this isn't how i go
post vday venting. dont even bother.
y'know, maybe you can get through the day knowing that you have someone in your life that you can be intimate with. maybe you can be with her and work and gamble to fill every waking moment so that you dont have to think about me. maybe it's easy because you don't go to sleep by yourself every night. and maybe you can play your guitar and go out and drink with your friends and maybe you think it's not so hard to get on with your life.
but i want you to know that its not so easy for me. i have a queen size bed and i sleep on one side because i'm so used to you being there. yeah i work all day and have lindsay for the rest of the night, try to go out with friends and have the bowling league on sundays, but it will never be enough to block you out. i want you to know how i suffer so terribly in the deepest places of my heart and soul, because i can't go a single day without feeling crushed, lied to, betrayed and taken advantage of. not a single week without thinking back to some time that i confronted you or tried to get you to tell me the truth about kendra. and you may think that we're over because i left you, broken and lonely... but no matter what you think, you won't ever know the lonliness that i have. admittedly, it's better than the lonely feeling i had at the end of our relationship; but not by much.
maybe all those things do help you forget the pain. maybe. maybe not. who knows. the point of this journal isn't to make you angry, or upset- it's to vent. Because I need venting, and seeing you a couple nights ago makes me want to give you a chance to read this so that you know how I still feel. Because I looked at you and you were standing straight and tall, looking emotionally sound and as if we've never been anything more than friends. And yeah, that kinda hurt... because even though I want to be friends with you and get along well for our family's sake, I don't want you to ever think of me as less than what I am now, and what I used to be to you. At least give me the respect of being the woman who gave birth to your daughter while you were faithfully and lovingly by my side.
and maybe you're trying to forget so that you can conjure your love for someone else, but i don't forget. i won't forget the day you proposed to me, in the restaurant, when we were both nervous yet excited. i wont forget the time we danced in each other's arms on the boardwalk as the sun began to set. i wont forget the passionate times we had in college. i wont forget the nights you would sing the songs you wrote for me as you played your guitar til i fell into the sweetest slumber. i won't forget falling asleep in your arms when you truly loved me more than anything, and you didn't want to ever let me go. i won't forget the times that you were there for me and my family, or the times that i was there for you and your family. i wont forget 6 years of good and bad times with you, not ever, no matter how hard i pretend like i'm happy and that i'm getting along okay without you.
but despite the lack of knowing how to ever love again, i'm trying my best to live whatever life i have left. i'm a single mom staying at her parents' house with no college degree and a shitty paying job. bad credit, no car, in debt- i dont have much of a future. all i can do is my best for my daughter, because without her there's nothing left for me to keep going. i'm afraid to let anyone get too close, i'm afraid of being in a relationship with someone else, i'm afraid of being blind to the truth, and i'm afraid of knowing how you really felt/currently feel about me. maybe i don't want you to forget that i'm still here, and i'm still hurting, because it's not fair to me for you to act like you don't notice or don't care. maybe i'm being selfish, and i probably shouldn't have written this... but like i said, i just need to vent some feelings. because i'm not like you, i cant just lock everything in and not tell you how i feel from time to time. and there's a chance that you wont even read this, and that's ok. because its not written for you to read. it's written so i can get it off my chest, even if i dont feel the same way 5 minutes after i submit this on LJ. hell, knowing me i'll probably forget everything i wrote in 5 minutes anyway.
but..that's enough venting for now. i have to get back to worrying about other things.
y'know, maybe you can get through the day knowing that you have someone in your life that you can be intimate with. maybe you can be with her and work and gamble to fill every waking moment so that you dont have to think about me. maybe it's easy because you don't go to sleep by yourself every night. and maybe you can play your guitar and go out and drink with your friends and maybe you think it's not so hard to get on with your life.
but i want you to know that its not so easy for me. i have a queen size bed and i sleep on one side because i'm so used to you being there. yeah i work all day and have lindsay for the rest of the night, try to go out with friends and have the bowling league on sundays, but it will never be enough to block you out. i want you to know how i suffer so terribly in the deepest places of my heart and soul, because i can't go a single day without feeling crushed, lied to, betrayed and taken advantage of. not a single week without thinking back to some time that i confronted you or tried to get you to tell me the truth about kendra. and you may think that we're over because i left you, broken and lonely... but no matter what you think, you won't ever know the lonliness that i have. admittedly, it's better than the lonely feeling i had at the end of our relationship; but not by much.
maybe all those things do help you forget the pain. maybe. maybe not. who knows. the point of this journal isn't to make you angry, or upset- it's to vent. Because I need venting, and seeing you a couple nights ago makes me want to give you a chance to read this so that you know how I still feel. Because I looked at you and you were standing straight and tall, looking emotionally sound and as if we've never been anything more than friends. And yeah, that kinda hurt... because even though I want to be friends with you and get along well for our family's sake, I don't want you to ever think of me as less than what I am now, and what I used to be to you. At least give me the respect of being the woman who gave birth to your daughter while you were faithfully and lovingly by my side.
and maybe you're trying to forget so that you can conjure your love for someone else, but i don't forget. i won't forget the day you proposed to me, in the restaurant, when we were both nervous yet excited. i wont forget the time we danced in each other's arms on the boardwalk as the sun began to set. i wont forget the passionate times we had in college. i wont forget the nights you would sing the songs you wrote for me as you played your guitar til i fell into the sweetest slumber. i won't forget falling asleep in your arms when you truly loved me more than anything, and you didn't want to ever let me go. i won't forget the times that you were there for me and my family, or the times that i was there for you and your family. i wont forget 6 years of good and bad times with you, not ever, no matter how hard i pretend like i'm happy and that i'm getting along okay without you.
but despite the lack of knowing how to ever love again, i'm trying my best to live whatever life i have left. i'm a single mom staying at her parents' house with no college degree and a shitty paying job. bad credit, no car, in debt- i dont have much of a future. all i can do is my best for my daughter, because without her there's nothing left for me to keep going. i'm afraid to let anyone get too close, i'm afraid of being in a relationship with someone else, i'm afraid of being blind to the truth, and i'm afraid of knowing how you really felt/currently feel about me. maybe i don't want you to forget that i'm still here, and i'm still hurting, because it's not fair to me for you to act like you don't notice or don't care. maybe i'm being selfish, and i probably shouldn't have written this... but like i said, i just need to vent some feelings. because i'm not like you, i cant just lock everything in and not tell you how i feel from time to time. and there's a chance that you wont even read this, and that's ok. because its not written for you to read. it's written so i can get it off my chest, even if i dont feel the same way 5 minutes after i submit this on LJ. hell, knowing me i'll probably forget everything i wrote in 5 minutes anyway.
but..that's enough venting for now. i have to get back to worrying about other things.