Random: A Sporking, part II
Link to part I.
This is the part in which we commence the actual sporking in detail! What fun! (Sweet Zombie Jesus, give me strength! XD)
After the introduction in the previous post I can't honestly say we're ready to dive into this thing, because nothing will ever adequately prepare you for this kind of horror show. But, let's dig into:
Random Ransom - by Lee Rowan.
You know what, let's begin with the cover. That shouldn't be too traumatising.
This is the cover of the Kindle edition I own (and unfortunately paid money for DD:).
It's actually kinda nice looking: the image is pretty, the font is legible and the layout may be simple but not too busy. It's a nice cover even though the image doesn't reveal much about the story other than that there are ships in it.
Now I know this had a paperback release as well, so I wonder whether--
wha-haha, who are these alien mannequins and whose peeled-off skins are they so stiffly wearing?
Let's move on and have a look at the text, before anyone starts to have nightmares ...
DEDICATION: PS, I Love You.
That's nice? I don't return the sentiment, but thank you, book?
Following the dedication we encounter the duel scene already described in our first post. I am not going to quote it again at length, but let me just say that this scene is actually quite a decent piece of writing. We really get into Davy's head as the scene is described for us in a 3rd person voice from his perspective. It's moody, even a bit exciting. Sure, it's also a bit purply but in a good, atmospheric way!
Sadly this happy fact is what makes this scene stand out from the rest of the writing like a sore thumb. And no wonder! This scene wouldn't have been in the original fanfic as it did not need to be. With the original fanfic we would already have known that Simpson was a bully who eventually got killed following a duel with Hornblower, as that is the canon the fic is based on. This novel being an *hurgh* original work does not have that canon to rely on and needs to create its own. Scenes that like this were clearly later additions crop up now and then in the novel. The thing about them is that the original fic was released in 2000. This novel was published six years later. Six years is a good long while for an author to have time to improve their style, which this author certainly did. What they sadly did not do is rewrite the whole novel to fit their improved style.
Now I'm not saying this would have been an excellent novel if the author had done a re-write. But if the author had done a little more than just a little tweaking, this might not have been quite as bad a novel. And this is a sad fact that infuriates me even more than the novel would have had no scene shown glimpses of writing as competent as parts the prologue.
Anyway, after Correy-Simpson bites the dust in some nameless forest Davy and Will make their way back to their ship. Will had been a recent addition to the crew and not been on the ship for a week before picking a fight with Correy. This making Will a perfect audience-stand-in Davy reveals to him what kind of a bastard he saved the crew from: Correy kept sexually assaulting young men and boys on the ship while the captain was too weak to do anything against it because of the scandal it would cause. Archer smiled. “You have made the Titan a safer place for our youngsters, sir. It is I who should thank you.”
They drove on again in silence. Marshall seemed at ease, but Archer’s spirit was now in turmoil. His gratitude was far deeper than that of a concerned officer; Marshall had freed him from a demon who had made his existence a living hell.
He had not told Marshall that the boy he spoke of had been himself.
And he had not, and never could, tell Marshall that he just had fallen in love with a brave and beautiful gentleman who would likely shoot him dead if he ever gave voice to his feelings.
Underneath all that purply prose we find the main conflict driving our protagonist: He is in love with his new friend, but acting on his feelings could cost him his life. This is a fairly common - and plausible - source of conflict for this type of story. Let's find out how this novel manages to ruin it!
Chapter 1
The first chapter opens, three years later, on exposition delivered by a log entry:
Captain’s Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth. 16-7-1799
What is this? Star Trek?
Aaaaanyway, Captain Smith informs us that his ship, Calypso, has raided a merchant convoy and returned with ample prizes. Being in need of repair she accompanies her prizes into port. He also informs us that some of the prizes are now under the command of "4th Lt. Marshall and Midshipman (Act. Lt.) Archer." So basically Captain Smith has five lieutenants. On a bloody frigate. This novel already reminds me of Meuterei im Blut because that one couldn't get even a single paragraph into its first chapter before fucking up basic facts either.
His Majesty’s Frigate Calypso limped gamely into port on a hot July morning, half her foremast gone, the mizzen missing altogether, and other damage becoming more apparent as she neared. Two holes gaped in her hull, fortunately well above the waterline. Part of the aft quarterdeck was rigged with a canvas cover whose shape suggested that the captain’s own cabin was no longer habitable, and scorch marks beneath a splintered gunport hinted at worse damage below.
Noooo! Not "other damage"! It is the worst kind of damage!
Um, book, btw., you do know that the captain's quarters are dismantled before every action? Because I doubt that a merchant convoy stealthily snuck up on an armed frigate and caught them unawares by a surprise attack. Furthermore, the "aft quarterdeck" on a British frigate at this time was covered by another deck, the poop (yeah, I know that is a funny word, but I swear it's not dirty in this context and you should totally have used it). Now, I'll admit that is some serious damage if the French merchant convoy managed to shoot away a whole deck!
That must have been some friggin' fearsome merchantmen! ... what were their names again? After Etienne came two of the smaller merchant ships she had been escorting, Brigitte and Fifine,
Truly awe-inspiring!
We switch over to the PoV of Will, who is excited about the prize Brigitte being his first command. He is also looking forward to eventually drinking and partying away his prize money with his buddy Davy. I do hope he's aware that it can take weeks or months for prize money to trickle down to him...
After a couple hours' repair work on the ships, the Captain invites his two youngest lieutenants along to dinner on shore. We get a couple of character descriptions and as usual characters are defined by their hair colour: “Am I fit for polite company?” David inquired, doffing his hat and making a leg. As usual, he was by far the more elegant of the pair, the sun-lightened gold of his hair an elegant contrast to the dark blue of his uniform.
Davy is a helpless damsel, so he's the pretty, fair one, compared to Will's dark handsomeness. In short, in this fic novel, everyone has been replaced by their porn doubles. EVERYONE!
The Captain-or to give him his due, Sir Paul Andrew Smith, Baronet-never let his officers forget that they carried the full weight of England’s dignity upon their shoulders. Marshall was simply grateful that the Captain did not require his officers to wear an itchy powdered wig or to coat their hair with the stuff.
Because wigs at sea would have been anachronistic, since it was already 1799, and anachronisms made Captain Smith's nose itch.
We learn that Smith hates wigs and Marshall had always wondered if it was impatience with the time a wig required, or the Captain’s pride in his own abundant mane, still glossy brown despite his having passed 40.
So, when I mentioned how for this fic novel everyone got replaced by their porn doubles, apparently they fucked up where the captain is concerned and hired his horse double instead.
Stay strong, Billy! This is a woobie-fucking novel, not a horse-fucking novel. No one in this fic is into bestiality (...that we know of...).
Davy and Will leave the ship and head into Portsmouth, but not before bidding "farewell to First Lieutenant Drinkwater." Because after you've proven with your main characters that coming up with original names is not your strong suit, naming your secondary characters after the other heroes of classic Age of Sail fiction is actually a clever idea. I would like to be able to claim that at least Nate Drinkwater's adventures are better written than this novel here but that would be a lie. The prose in Ransom is actually sort of decent most of the time. The Drinkwater novels are far, far better researched though. Like, if you wanted to compare the quality of the research in your average Drinkwater novel with this one here, you won't find them on the same plane of existance.
Hardly have our protagonists sat down to dinner with their captain when they are interrupted and told by a lieutenant that the port admiral wishes to see them. Yeah, going to see the port admiral actually should have been the first thing to do as soon as you came into port, you screw-ups. No wonder the man is upset and sends random staff looking for you, which is not suspicious at all or anything...
The lieutenant asks them to step into a coach that will take the lazy fuckers directly to the admiral. Only after a couple of minutes Smith notices that the coach is going the wrong direction, and when the driver won't change that direction it's becoming clear that they are being kidnapped.
Smith suggests that they try to kick out the doors. Because somehow he is of the opinion that jumping out of a moving coach won't kill them as surely as waiting to see what their kidnappers actually want with them will. Luckily for Captain Gravy-for-brains the coach stops before they manage to break any bones.
Our characters get knocked out before receiving any answers from their kidnappers, ending chapter 1.
Chapter 2
Our protagonists come to as they are being transported on a waggon of some sort in a narrow box. This makes Arch-er rather uneasy:
“I’m awake,” Archer replied tightly. “But I’m not going to open my eyes just now. If I don’t look, it’s not too bad.”
Archer had once been trapped between decks after a battle that stove in Calypso’s hull. It had taken hours to free him from a hole just about the size of a coffin, and another half-hour to revive him; he had nearly suffocated. Archer’d been uneasy about enclosed spaces ever since.
Sure. The more common fanon background is for this character is not yet traumatic enough, so let's gift him a big fat pack of claustrophobia!
Meanwhile Smith explains what he thinks is going on. He tells his young men that "ranking military officers were warned of a rash of abductions by a gang of masked men. The object has been ransom." Which sounds-- no, wait. Why don't organised kidnappers who are in it for the money go for people who actually have money? Sure, army officers at the time were likely to be at least related to some peer or other who might pay a ransom for them, but there's no guarantee naval officers especially weren't dirt poor. This is actually a huge plot point in the vastly better researched Aubrey-Maturin novels (ugh, comparing these two in any way makes my stomach turn). Yeah, five-star reviews on goodreads, please explain to me again how this book has a totally plausible plot?
Smith orders the guys to try and escape as soon as they see a chance, and advises Will to pretend to be Smith's nephew by his dead cousin, "raised by her husband, the Reverend Mr. Marshall", rather than let slip that he's nothing more than the son of a country parson without financial means. He also goes on to say that he'd gladly make use of his fortune to pay both the young men's ransom.
I will admit this: Captain Smith is an awesome character! Despite being so dense that you could use his head to crush diamonds with whenever the narration demands it just so that our characters won't be able to escape before maximum hurt and angst have been inflicted on poor Woobie-Davy, he acts believably like a good captain: calm under stress, resourceful, responsible, full of initiative, aaaand concerned about the well-being of the men under his command. If only the rest of the book's cast of characters had been crafted that well. And if only the author had thought to put more of the characters they were inspired by also into Will and especially Davy instead of giving them a personality transplant each so they would suffer more prettily. Because if they had done that this might have been a much, much different novel.
Eventually even Captain Smith will fall to the badfic curse as well, but right now we should enjoy the only mildly competent character this fic novel has for as long as we still can!
Smith also says that he doesn't expect the two to pay him back should he have to pay their ransom: “I would take it as a very great insult if you try, Lieutenant,” Smith growled. “If it was my position which has put you in this danger, it is my responsibility to get you out.”
You know what, this book should have been about Captain Smith instead ... but less rapey.
He then goes on to take the men's minds off the terrible situation by chatting to them about Arch--er's preparations for his examination for lieutenant, as a "the tacit assurance that the Captain would not waste Archer’s time or his own if he never expected him to live to take the examination." Because he is way more awesome than this book deserves.
Meanwhile, on the Calypso, ... um, meanwhile, back on the starship Enterprise Data Drinkwater begins to annoy us with his overly detailed log entries that are going to interrupt the narration on a regular basis from now on: Supplemental Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth.
Lt. Anthony Drinkwater, in temporary command. 16-7-1799
It is funny, because "Athony" is the fanon!given name of canon First lieutenant Bracegirdle. I want you all to take a minute to imagine poor Bracey's porn double.
Poor Bracey.
Seriously though, he goes on to write down stuff that I'd expect him to put down in a letter to the port admiral, not the friggin' ship's log. And this continues throughout the novel, until the eventual rescue. There’s even entries consisting solely of: No further news.
Why would anyone write that down?
Imagine turning on the news and the anchor person going “Nothing to report today. Watch this video of two kittens playing with a baby ferret instead.”
Oh, wait …
But, no, no. It's not even like that. Because then you’d actually have gotten to watch a video of kittens which is more than, well, nothing.
Seriously, the only miracle is that he does not also log what his stool looks like on any given day.
Thank god for small mercies!
While that bit of weirdness is going on our main characters have almost arrived at their destination. Showing the first signs of badfic disease Captain Smith graces us with this gem: “[...] Damn! I cannot comprehend the short-sighted stupidity of a criminal who would abduct Naval officers! Does the fool not realize England is an island and the Navy is what keeps her safe?”
Marshall was surprised by his vehemence; the way he spoke almost made England sound like a flesh-and-blood woman.
Even if Smith does care that strongly about England and the war effort, I should think he knows the navy will prevail despite the loss of 3 (THREE!) officers. It’s not like the admiralty ever had trouble finding officers to employ.
But, here's the thing you need to know about Captain Smith: He bloody loves the navy. And England. Here's Smith trying to argue with their captors: “You know what the sea would be like for English ships without His Majesty’s Navy. How can you involve yourself in this?”
Yeah. If they can’t be persuaded by common human decency make them think of the poor navy, think of England!
And here's his opinion of some funny part of naval protocol: Well, the practice improved the Service, and in the long run that benefitted England, and so every Englishman.
Seriously guys, I guess the man would have married the navy if it hadn't eloped with Nelson in '98.
Our protagonists are brought onboard a ship (inside biscuit barrels. Just so Davy can suffer a little longer from his claustrophobia. Because there is nothing as delicious as a well and truly broken woobie for the bad guy to get his hands on) and we finally get to meet our villain: Then another voice rose above the muttering. “Good evening, gentlemen.” Something thumped on his barrel; two more thumps said the others were close by. “Welcome to the good ship Elusive, though that is of course not the name on her prow. I am her Captain; you may address me as Captain Adrian, or ‘sir’. My men will be escorting you to your quarters. Captain Smith, if all goes well, you will not see your men again until our visit has ended. I have found my guests much less prone to attempt escape if they are separated. You note I say ‘attempt’ because that is as far as it ever gets. I will be down to see you when you are settled in.”
Captain flippin' Adrian. If that is not a name to instill fear in the hearts of men I don't know what is.
Adrian is just messing with them, btw. Of course Elusive isn't the name "on her prow", because that's nowhere near at all to where ships' names went. Like all ships Elusive has her name painted on her butt!
Captain Adrian, like his sailors, is wearing a mask so Will can't tell us much about him beyond that he has a reddish beard and that Adrian "gave the impression of relative youth-a year or two either side of 30-and physical vigor." Clearly this is so because if Adrian were an unattractive older man his rapeyness later on would be icky.
Our sexy pirate has Will and Davy locked into a cell together, below deck. Davy is out cold from having had to pretend to be a biscuit. When he regains consciousness Will brings him up to speed: “We’re on board a ship. The Elusive, he called her, though that’s apparently not actually her name. And the captain and crew are all masked.”
“Sounds too clever for words. Are you sure it isn’t just a fancy-dress ball?”
“Davy, what happened? You were unconscious. Are you all right? You are making really bad jokes!”
They explore their cell for five minutes and already happen upon the eventual means of their escape. Because what I said about Captain Smith and diamonds goes doubly for the pirates. How they managed to execute a successful series of kidnappings for any length of time is anyone's guess. Probably their previous victims had the intellect of a rather stale piece of bread: “Will, look!”
“What?” He got up to see, and found that they had a window of sorts-a small square port about 18 inches on a side, bisected by a single upright metal bar, with a board outside hinged at the bottom and tilting away at an angle. He could reach up far enough to feel the top edge of the board, and two metal rings bolted to its corners. It moved slightly when he pulled at it. “I think it’s some kind of shutter, Davy, like a gunport in reverse. We can’t see out, and they can pull it shut if another vessel comes close enough to hear us.”
The pirates provided them with a conveniently places escape hatch. How nice!
Will decides not to explore that option further and suggests they should get some rest but before we close the chapter, let's have one more fuck-up: I don’t see what we can do until morning, though that should be soon; dawn’s around 5:30.” As if in confirmation, a ship’s bell rang once, echoing through the ventilator. “An hour’s sleep, then. [...]"
You can't tell the exact hour by the sound of a ship's bell without a point of reference! How do you know how long you've been kept in boxes? How do you know which watch is being announced? How do you know what system these pirates use? Why would a single bell sound 5:30 if you're going by the watches kept in the navy? Since when does morning watch start at 5:30?
This isn't how ship's bells work.
And with the last lines of this part we learn that it is actually Will's birthday. Oh the clever irony! For his birthday he got a trip on the rape-ship, which is something he never wanted! Let's hope he gets his money back.
In the next part Drinkwater keeps writing superflous log entries, Captain Smith tries to be useful but is foiled by the requirements of the plot, and Davy learns the true meaning behind his woobieness.
This is the part in which we commence the actual sporking in detail! What fun! (Sweet Zombie Jesus, give me strength! XD)
After the introduction in the previous post I can't honestly say we're ready to dive into this thing, because nothing will ever adequately prepare you for this kind of horror show. But, let's dig into:
Random Ransom - by Lee Rowan.
You know what, let's begin with the cover. That shouldn't be too traumatising.
This is the cover of the Kindle edition I own (and unfortunately paid money for DD:).
It's actually kinda nice looking: the image is pretty, the font is legible and the layout may be simple but not too busy. It's a nice cover even though the image doesn't reveal much about the story other than that there are ships in it.
Now I know this had a paperback release as well, so I wonder whether--
wha-haha, who are these alien mannequins and whose peeled-off skins are they so stiffly wearing?
Let's move on and have a look at the text, before anyone starts to have nightmares ...
DEDICATION: PS, I Love You.
That's nice? I don't return the sentiment, but thank you, book?
Following the dedication we encounter the duel scene already described in our first post. I am not going to quote it again at length, but let me just say that this scene is actually quite a decent piece of writing. We really get into Davy's head as the scene is described for us in a 3rd person voice from his perspective. It's moody, even a bit exciting. Sure, it's also a bit purply but in a good, atmospheric way!
Sadly this happy fact is what makes this scene stand out from the rest of the writing like a sore thumb. And no wonder! This scene wouldn't have been in the original fanfic as it did not need to be. With the original fanfic we would already have known that Simpson was a bully who eventually got killed following a duel with Hornblower, as that is the canon the fic is based on. This novel being an *hurgh* original work does not have that canon to rely on and needs to create its own. Scenes that like this were clearly later additions crop up now and then in the novel. The thing about them is that the original fic was released in 2000. This novel was published six years later. Six years is a good long while for an author to have time to improve their style, which this author certainly did. What they sadly did not do is rewrite the whole novel to fit their improved style.
Now I'm not saying this would have been an excellent novel if the author had done a re-write. But if the author had done a little more than just a little tweaking, this might not have been quite as bad a novel. And this is a sad fact that infuriates me even more than the novel would have had no scene shown glimpses of writing as competent as parts the prologue.
Anyway, after Correy-Simpson bites the dust in some nameless forest Davy and Will make their way back to their ship. Will had been a recent addition to the crew and not been on the ship for a week before picking a fight with Correy. This making Will a perfect audience-stand-in Davy reveals to him what kind of a bastard he saved the crew from: Correy kept sexually assaulting young men and boys on the ship while the captain was too weak to do anything against it because of the scandal it would cause. Archer smiled. “You have made the Titan a safer place for our youngsters, sir. It is I who should thank you.”
They drove on again in silence. Marshall seemed at ease, but Archer’s spirit was now in turmoil. His gratitude was far deeper than that of a concerned officer; Marshall had freed him from a demon who had made his existence a living hell.
He had not told Marshall that the boy he spoke of had been himself.
And he had not, and never could, tell Marshall that he just had fallen in love with a brave and beautiful gentleman who would likely shoot him dead if he ever gave voice to his feelings.
Underneath all that purply prose we find the main conflict driving our protagonist: He is in love with his new friend, but acting on his feelings could cost him his life. This is a fairly common - and plausible - source of conflict for this type of story. Let's find out how this novel manages to ruin it!
Chapter 1
The first chapter opens, three years later, on exposition delivered by a log entry:
Captain’s Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth. 16-7-1799
What is this? Star Trek?
Aaaaanyway, Captain Smith informs us that his ship, Calypso, has raided a merchant convoy and returned with ample prizes. Being in need of repair she accompanies her prizes into port. He also informs us that some of the prizes are now under the command of "4th Lt. Marshall and Midshipman (Act. Lt.) Archer." So basically Captain Smith has five lieutenants. On a bloody frigate. This novel already reminds me of Meuterei im Blut because that one couldn't get even a single paragraph into its first chapter before fucking up basic facts either.
His Majesty’s Frigate Calypso limped gamely into port on a hot July morning, half her foremast gone, the mizzen missing altogether, and other damage becoming more apparent as she neared. Two holes gaped in her hull, fortunately well above the waterline. Part of the aft quarterdeck was rigged with a canvas cover whose shape suggested that the captain’s own cabin was no longer habitable, and scorch marks beneath a splintered gunport hinted at worse damage below.
Noooo! Not "other damage"! It is the worst kind of damage!
Um, book, btw., you do know that the captain's quarters are dismantled before every action? Because I doubt that a merchant convoy stealthily snuck up on an armed frigate and caught them unawares by a surprise attack. Furthermore, the "aft quarterdeck" on a British frigate at this time was covered by another deck, the poop (yeah, I know that is a funny word, but I swear it's not dirty in this context and you should totally have used it). Now, I'll admit that is some serious damage if the French merchant convoy managed to shoot away a whole deck!
That must have been some friggin' fearsome merchantmen! ... what were their names again? After Etienne came two of the smaller merchant ships she had been escorting, Brigitte and Fifine,
Truly awe-inspiring!
We switch over to the PoV of Will, who is excited about the prize Brigitte being his first command. He is also looking forward to eventually drinking and partying away his prize money with his buddy Davy. I do hope he's aware that it can take weeks or months for prize money to trickle down to him...
After a couple hours' repair work on the ships, the Captain invites his two youngest lieutenants along to dinner on shore. We get a couple of character descriptions and as usual characters are defined by their hair colour: “Am I fit for polite company?” David inquired, doffing his hat and making a leg. As usual, he was by far the more elegant of the pair, the sun-lightened gold of his hair an elegant contrast to the dark blue of his uniform.
Davy is a helpless damsel, so he's the pretty, fair one, compared to Will's dark handsomeness. In short, in this fic novel, everyone has been replaced by their porn doubles. EVERYONE!
The Captain-or to give him his due, Sir Paul Andrew Smith, Baronet-never let his officers forget that they carried the full weight of England’s dignity upon their shoulders. Marshall was simply grateful that the Captain did not require his officers to wear an itchy powdered wig or to coat their hair with the stuff.
Because wigs at sea would have been anachronistic, since it was already 1799, and anachronisms made Captain Smith's nose itch.
We learn that Smith hates wigs and Marshall had always wondered if it was impatience with the time a wig required, or the Captain’s pride in his own abundant mane, still glossy brown despite his having passed 40.
So, when I mentioned how for this fic novel everyone got replaced by their porn doubles, apparently they fucked up where the captain is concerned and hired his horse double instead.
Stay strong, Billy! This is a woobie-fucking novel, not a horse-fucking novel. No one in this fic is into bestiality (...that we know of...).
Davy and Will leave the ship and head into Portsmouth, but not before bidding "farewell to First Lieutenant Drinkwater." Because after you've proven with your main characters that coming up with original names is not your strong suit, naming your secondary characters after the other heroes of classic Age of Sail fiction is actually a clever idea. I would like to be able to claim that at least Nate Drinkwater's adventures are better written than this novel here but that would be a lie. The prose in Ransom is actually sort of decent most of the time. The Drinkwater novels are far, far better researched though. Like, if you wanted to compare the quality of the research in your average Drinkwater novel with this one here, you won't find them on the same plane of existance.
Hardly have our protagonists sat down to dinner with their captain when they are interrupted and told by a lieutenant that the port admiral wishes to see them. Yeah, going to see the port admiral actually should have been the first thing to do as soon as you came into port, you screw-ups. No wonder the man is upset and sends random staff looking for you, which is not suspicious at all or anything...
The lieutenant asks them to step into a coach that will take the lazy fuckers directly to the admiral. Only after a couple of minutes Smith notices that the coach is going the wrong direction, and when the driver won't change that direction it's becoming clear that they are being kidnapped.
Smith suggests that they try to kick out the doors. Because somehow he is of the opinion that jumping out of a moving coach won't kill them as surely as waiting to see what their kidnappers actually want with them will. Luckily for Captain Gravy-for-brains the coach stops before they manage to break any bones.
Our characters get knocked out before receiving any answers from their kidnappers, ending chapter 1.
Chapter 2
Our protagonists come to as they are being transported on a waggon of some sort in a narrow box. This makes Arch-er rather uneasy:
“I’m awake,” Archer replied tightly. “But I’m not going to open my eyes just now. If I don’t look, it’s not too bad.”
Archer had once been trapped between decks after a battle that stove in Calypso’s hull. It had taken hours to free him from a hole just about the size of a coffin, and another half-hour to revive him; he had nearly suffocated. Archer’d been uneasy about enclosed spaces ever since.
Sure. The more common fanon background is for this character is not yet traumatic enough, so let's gift him a big fat pack of claustrophobia!
Meanwhile Smith explains what he thinks is going on. He tells his young men that "ranking military officers were warned of a rash of abductions by a gang of masked men. The object has been ransom." Which sounds-- no, wait. Why don't organised kidnappers who are in it for the money go for people who actually have money? Sure, army officers at the time were likely to be at least related to some peer or other who might pay a ransom for them, but there's no guarantee naval officers especially weren't dirt poor. This is actually a huge plot point in the vastly better researched Aubrey-Maturin novels (ugh, comparing these two in any way makes my stomach turn). Yeah, five-star reviews on goodreads, please explain to me again how this book has a totally plausible plot?
Smith orders the guys to try and escape as soon as they see a chance, and advises Will to pretend to be Smith's nephew by his dead cousin, "raised by her husband, the Reverend Mr. Marshall", rather than let slip that he's nothing more than the son of a country parson without financial means. He also goes on to say that he'd gladly make use of his fortune to pay both the young men's ransom.
I will admit this: Captain Smith is an awesome character! Despite being so dense that you could use his head to crush diamonds with whenever the narration demands it just so that our characters won't be able to escape before maximum hurt and angst have been inflicted on poor Woobie-Davy, he acts believably like a good captain: calm under stress, resourceful, responsible, full of initiative, aaaand concerned about the well-being of the men under his command. If only the rest of the book's cast of characters had been crafted that well. And if only the author had thought to put more of the characters they were inspired by also into Will and especially Davy instead of giving them a personality transplant each so they would suffer more prettily. Because if they had done that this might have been a much, much different novel.
Eventually even Captain Smith will fall to the badfic curse as well, but right now we should enjoy the only mildly competent character this fic novel has for as long as we still can!
Smith also says that he doesn't expect the two to pay him back should he have to pay their ransom: “I would take it as a very great insult if you try, Lieutenant,” Smith growled. “If it was my position which has put you in this danger, it is my responsibility to get you out.”
You know what, this book should have been about Captain Smith instead ... but less rapey.
He then goes on to take the men's minds off the terrible situation by chatting to them about Arch--er's preparations for his examination for lieutenant, as a "the tacit assurance that the Captain would not waste Archer’s time or his own if he never expected him to live to take the examination." Because he is way more awesome than this book deserves.
Meanwhile, on the Calypso, ... um, meanwhile, back on the starship Enterprise Data Drinkwater begins to annoy us with his overly detailed log entries that are going to interrupt the narration on a regular basis from now on: Supplemental Log, HMS Calypso, in for repair, Portsmouth.
Lt. Anthony Drinkwater, in temporary command. 16-7-1799
It is funny, because "Athony" is the fanon!given name of canon First lieutenant Bracegirdle. I want you all to take a minute to imagine poor Bracey's porn double.
Poor Bracey.
Seriously though, he goes on to write down stuff that I'd expect him to put down in a letter to the port admiral, not the friggin' ship's log. And this continues throughout the novel, until the eventual rescue. There’s even entries consisting solely of: No further news.
Why would anyone write that down?
Imagine turning on the news and the anchor person going “Nothing to report today. Watch this video of two kittens playing with a baby ferret instead.”
Oh, wait …
But, no, no. It's not even like that. Because then you’d actually have gotten to watch a video of kittens which is more than, well, nothing.
Seriously, the only miracle is that he does not also log what his stool looks like on any given day.
Thank god for small mercies!
While that bit of weirdness is going on our main characters have almost arrived at their destination. Showing the first signs of badfic disease Captain Smith graces us with this gem: “[...] Damn! I cannot comprehend the short-sighted stupidity of a criminal who would abduct Naval officers! Does the fool not realize England is an island and the Navy is what keeps her safe?”
Marshall was surprised by his vehemence; the way he spoke almost made England sound like a flesh-and-blood woman.
Even if Smith does care that strongly about England and the war effort, I should think he knows the navy will prevail despite the loss of 3 (THREE!) officers. It’s not like the admiralty ever had trouble finding officers to employ.
But, here's the thing you need to know about Captain Smith: He bloody loves the navy. And England. Here's Smith trying to argue with their captors: “You know what the sea would be like for English ships without His Majesty’s Navy. How can you involve yourself in this?”
Yeah. If they can’t be persuaded by common human decency make them think of the poor navy, think of England!
And here's his opinion of some funny part of naval protocol: Well, the practice improved the Service, and in the long run that benefitted England, and so every Englishman.
Seriously guys, I guess the man would have married the navy if it hadn't eloped with Nelson in '98.
Our protagonists are brought onboard a ship (inside biscuit barrels. Just so Davy can suffer a little longer from his claustrophobia. Because there is nothing as delicious as a well and truly broken woobie for the bad guy to get his hands on) and we finally get to meet our villain: Then another voice rose above the muttering. “Good evening, gentlemen.” Something thumped on his barrel; two more thumps said the others were close by. “Welcome to the good ship Elusive, though that is of course not the name on her prow. I am her Captain; you may address me as Captain Adrian, or ‘sir’. My men will be escorting you to your quarters. Captain Smith, if all goes well, you will not see your men again until our visit has ended. I have found my guests much less prone to attempt escape if they are separated. You note I say ‘attempt’ because that is as far as it ever gets. I will be down to see you when you are settled in.”
Captain flippin' Adrian. If that is not a name to instill fear in the hearts of men I don't know what is.
Adrian is just messing with them, btw. Of course Elusive isn't the name "on her prow", because that's nowhere near at all to where ships' names went. Like all ships Elusive has her name painted on her butt!
Captain Adrian, like his sailors, is wearing a mask so Will can't tell us much about him beyond that he has a reddish beard and that Adrian "gave the impression of relative youth-a year or two either side of 30-and physical vigor." Clearly this is so because if Adrian were an unattractive older man his rapeyness later on would be icky.
Our sexy pirate has Will and Davy locked into a cell together, below deck. Davy is out cold from having had to pretend to be a biscuit. When he regains consciousness Will brings him up to speed: “We’re on board a ship. The Elusive, he called her, though that’s apparently not actually her name. And the captain and crew are all masked.”
“Sounds too clever for words. Are you sure it isn’t just a fancy-dress ball?”
“Davy, what happened? You were unconscious. Are you all right? You are making really bad jokes!”
They explore their cell for five minutes and already happen upon the eventual means of their escape. Because what I said about Captain Smith and diamonds goes doubly for the pirates. How they managed to execute a successful series of kidnappings for any length of time is anyone's guess. Probably their previous victims had the intellect of a rather stale piece of bread: “Will, look!”
“What?” He got up to see, and found that they had a window of sorts-a small square port about 18 inches on a side, bisected by a single upright metal bar, with a board outside hinged at the bottom and tilting away at an angle. He could reach up far enough to feel the top edge of the board, and two metal rings bolted to its corners. It moved slightly when he pulled at it. “I think it’s some kind of shutter, Davy, like a gunport in reverse. We can’t see out, and they can pull it shut if another vessel comes close enough to hear us.”
The pirates provided them with a conveniently places escape hatch. How nice!
Will decides not to explore that option further and suggests they should get some rest but before we close the chapter, let's have one more fuck-up: I don’t see what we can do until morning, though that should be soon; dawn’s around 5:30.” As if in confirmation, a ship’s bell rang once, echoing through the ventilator. “An hour’s sleep, then. [...]"
You can't tell the exact hour by the sound of a ship's bell without a point of reference! How do you know how long you've been kept in boxes? How do you know which watch is being announced? How do you know what system these pirates use? Why would a single bell sound 5:30 if you're going by the watches kept in the navy? Since when does morning watch start at 5:30?
This isn't how ship's bells work.
And with the last lines of this part we learn that it is actually Will's birthday. Oh the clever irony! For his birthday he got a trip on the rape-ship, which is something he never wanted! Let's hope he gets his money back.
In the next part Drinkwater keeps writing superflous log entries, Captain Smith tries to be useful but is foiled by the requirements of the plot, and Davy learns the true meaning behind his woobieness.