(no subject)
Title: Security
Pairing: KyuChul (Kyuhyun x Heechul)
Genre: Crack. AU
Rating: PG -13
Summary: Just a normal robbery at First National Savings and Loans . . .
---
“Hello, everyone! I would like to introduce you to my friend, the dead-man’s switch.”
Kim Jongwoon closed his eyes, holding his hands above his head. No, with wasn’t how his day had started. Maybe he should back up.
It was relatively quiet that day - most people were just starting their lunch breaks - he kenw the manager of their branch had, going out to visit his mistress or help aliens steal government secrets (if you believed what that janitor was saying). Jongwoon listened to his stomach growling helplessly, wishing he could lay his head down on the counter and take a nap. There were no customers that needed assistance at the moment. If he crawled under his desk and went to sleep, no one would have to know.
If he was sleeping, at least, he wouldn’t be thinking about how hungry he was.
Sitting at the desk beside him, Kim Ryeowook was just finishing helping a customer, smiling and telling her to enjoy her day as she walked off. If any stragglers came in during the lunch hour, they would usually go to hardworking, helpful little Ryeowook with the boyish features and pleasant voice.
Jongwoon figured that this was mostly because he looked like a zombie. Why did he keep finding roommates who snored? He had said “I don’t think it’s going to work out between us,” to more rommates than any dates he had ever had.
Wandering. Mind wandering. Mind, stop wandering. Stop wandering to dates, and Ryeowook, and what you wish your hand could be doing to cute, adorable, helpful Ryeowook.
“One day he’s going to look at you and be able to read your mind,” the Janitor, Donghae, said, walking up behind him, quite suddenly in his personal space. He’d been around to clean up a mess a customer’s kid had made with vanilla pudding, but Jongwoon still wasn’t certain how he had gotten behind the counter.
He walked off without offering an explanation.
Jongwoon sighed, leaning back in his chair. A woman walked in, wearing a red dress. She went right for Ryeowook (of course). She wanted to make a deposit.
Jongwoon considered dozing off.
Enter bad guy. When Jongwoon heard him, he first figured that someone was trying to get a laugh at his expense, and succeeding. So of course he first spun around to look at his coworkers (not out of any misguided sense of protectiveness, of course, he told himself).
Ryeowook looked up from his spot at the counter. It took all of two seconds for him to see the man who had just walked in, wearing a Chucky mask and holding what looked like a small semi-automatic gun in one hand, and some sort of divice in the other. It took him less than ten seconds to hyperventilate, enduce an asthma attack, and faint.
There was screaming and crying, but most everyone was on the floor by the time the robber spoke again. Even if everyone constituted Donghae, and the people in cubicles to the far right, who before had been circling like sharks, waiting for someone to come in so that they could help them open a checking account. And the security guards. None of whom were doing a very good job at keeping them secure.
“Oh, good. You all know how this works,” the man said. He pulled out a bag from one of the pockets of his black hoodie. “I know you’re all busy people, and I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible. I just need you to remove all of your valuables - jewelry, electronics, cash. Not Droids, though. Those are too easy to locate with GPS.”
Donghae looked petrified as he held out his phone. Almost pleading for the robber to take it. How could he afford a Droid on a janitor’s salary? “Bet you didn’t know that. Your crazy stalker ex-girlfriend - or boyfriend, you know, I won’t judge - can find out where you are just by knowing your phone number. They do indeed have an app for that.”
Jongwoon had been working for the bank for nearly seven years. He had never been held up in a robbery. He hadn’t even been mugged on the streets before. Of course they had a few brief training sessions about what they should do in the case of such a situation, but those things never helped anyone.
There wasn’t an emergency panic button under all of the desks. Just under the manager’s, and he was away for lunch.
Selfish bastard.
The woman Ryeowook had been helping was edging away, pressed against the service counter as the man walked over. He caught her around the shoulder in a mockery of a friendly embrace and turned to Jongwoon, with the arm that held the dead man’s switch. The woman, though she looked about ready to dissolve into tears, also looked like she might try to claw the man’s eyes out if she was given half of a chance. Jongwoon didn’t know if that was good or not.
He didn’t spend much time thinking about her plight, as he was much more focused on the automatic rifle in the man’s free hand, and the bomb strapped to his chest.
“What about you guys? Any valuables over here?” He leveled the gun at Jongwoon. Maybe. With the kickback from that thing, he didn’t know where the bullets would actually go. But he didn’t want to risk anyone getting shot, so he offered up his watch, and his iPod which he had stuffed into one of the drawers. Other attendants behind the counter followed suit.
“Him, too,” the robber said, gesturing to Ryeowook’s prone form.
Jongwoon sighed, laying his hands down on the desk. “Hasn’t replaced his cell phone in ten years. It’s probably still the radioactive kind. You know the type.”
“I like antiques.”
Jongwoon sighed again, but before he could say anything more, the man said, “Come on, chop-chop! We don’t have all day here.”
Jongwoon sort of wished that there could be another reason for him to be sticking his hands in Ryeowook’s pants. But he squished that thought as soon as it came up. At leastuntil after this was over. Staring down the barrel of a gun would do that to a man. To any man, even one who was still a virgin and had just moved out of his mother’s basement in the past year.
Why was he thinking about that?
He dropped Ryeowook’s ancient phone and pocket lint into the robber’s bag.
“No money?” he asked finally.
“You know, you ask too many questions, so I’m going to make this one simple for you.” He moved the gun off of Jongwoon and onto the chest of the lady he still had his arm around. “You’re not going to call the cops, and none of you are going to so much as move a muscle until we’re out of here, or I will shoot her, then you. Understand?”
---
“Hey, hey, watch it! Do you have any idea how hard it is to run in heels?” The ‘woman’ had lost all of her former feminine charm (and most of her feminine voice, too) as she was pulled along behind her ‘captor.’
“You chose to wear the heels,” the robber said, pushing her (him?) into the back seat of his nondescript pick-up truck. “I, on the other hand, was forced into wearing this mask. What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned ski mask?” He pulled off the mask and threw it into the seat beside him, revealing boyish features and a scowl plastered across his face as he reved the engine and drove off. They would ditch the car soon enough, but they just had to put some distance between them and the bank first.
Heechul pulled the fake breasts out of his shirt and threw them beside the mask, leaning forward to wrap his arms around the robber’s shoulders. “Tell me, Kyuhyunnie, have you ever seen The Bride of Chucky? That is some scary shit. And as far as ski masks go, their entirely too obvious, overused, and overrated. Just get over it. If it upsets you that much, next time, you can be the girl and I’ll be the evil hostage taker.”
---
A/N: Your prompt: What business could Siwon and Eunhyuk possibly have in South Africa? And what does it have t do with Kyuhyun and Heechul?
Pairing: KyuChul (Kyuhyun x Heechul)
Genre: Crack. AU
Rating: PG -13
Summary: Just a normal robbery at First National Savings and Loans . . .
---
“Hello, everyone! I would like to introduce you to my friend, the dead-man’s switch.”
Kim Jongwoon closed his eyes, holding his hands above his head. No, with wasn’t how his day had started. Maybe he should back up.
It was relatively quiet that day - most people were just starting their lunch breaks - he kenw the manager of their branch had, going out to visit his mistress or help aliens steal government secrets (if you believed what that janitor was saying). Jongwoon listened to his stomach growling helplessly, wishing he could lay his head down on the counter and take a nap. There were no customers that needed assistance at the moment. If he crawled under his desk and went to sleep, no one would have to know.
If he was sleeping, at least, he wouldn’t be thinking about how hungry he was.
Sitting at the desk beside him, Kim Ryeowook was just finishing helping a customer, smiling and telling her to enjoy her day as she walked off. If any stragglers came in during the lunch hour, they would usually go to hardworking, helpful little Ryeowook with the boyish features and pleasant voice.
Jongwoon figured that this was mostly because he looked like a zombie. Why did he keep finding roommates who snored? He had said “I don’t think it’s going to work out between us,” to more rommates than any dates he had ever had.
Wandering. Mind wandering. Mind, stop wandering. Stop wandering to dates, and Ryeowook, and what you wish your hand could be doing to cute, adorable, helpful Ryeowook.
“One day he’s going to look at you and be able to read your mind,” the Janitor, Donghae, said, walking up behind him, quite suddenly in his personal space. He’d been around to clean up a mess a customer’s kid had made with vanilla pudding, but Jongwoon still wasn’t certain how he had gotten behind the counter.
He walked off without offering an explanation.
Jongwoon sighed, leaning back in his chair. A woman walked in, wearing a red dress. She went right for Ryeowook (of course). She wanted to make a deposit.
Jongwoon considered dozing off.
Enter bad guy. When Jongwoon heard him, he first figured that someone was trying to get a laugh at his expense, and succeeding. So of course he first spun around to look at his coworkers (not out of any misguided sense of protectiveness, of course, he told himself).
Ryeowook looked up from his spot at the counter. It took all of two seconds for him to see the man who had just walked in, wearing a Chucky mask and holding what looked like a small semi-automatic gun in one hand, and some sort of divice in the other. It took him less than ten seconds to hyperventilate, enduce an asthma attack, and faint.
There was screaming and crying, but most everyone was on the floor by the time the robber spoke again. Even if everyone constituted Donghae, and the people in cubicles to the far right, who before had been circling like sharks, waiting for someone to come in so that they could help them open a checking account. And the security guards. None of whom were doing a very good job at keeping them secure.
“Oh, good. You all know how this works,” the man said. He pulled out a bag from one of the pockets of his black hoodie. “I know you’re all busy people, and I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible. I just need you to remove all of your valuables - jewelry, electronics, cash. Not Droids, though. Those are too easy to locate with GPS.”
Donghae looked petrified as he held out his phone. Almost pleading for the robber to take it. How could he afford a Droid on a janitor’s salary? “Bet you didn’t know that. Your crazy stalker ex-girlfriend - or boyfriend, you know, I won’t judge - can find out where you are just by knowing your phone number. They do indeed have an app for that.”
Jongwoon had been working for the bank for nearly seven years. He had never been held up in a robbery. He hadn’t even been mugged on the streets before. Of course they had a few brief training sessions about what they should do in the case of such a situation, but those things never helped anyone.
There wasn’t an emergency panic button under all of the desks. Just under the manager’s, and he was away for lunch.
Selfish bastard.
The woman Ryeowook had been helping was edging away, pressed against the service counter as the man walked over. He caught her around the shoulder in a mockery of a friendly embrace and turned to Jongwoon, with the arm that held the dead man’s switch. The woman, though she looked about ready to dissolve into tears, also looked like she might try to claw the man’s eyes out if she was given half of a chance. Jongwoon didn’t know if that was good or not.
He didn’t spend much time thinking about her plight, as he was much more focused on the automatic rifle in the man’s free hand, and the bomb strapped to his chest.
“What about you guys? Any valuables over here?” He leveled the gun at Jongwoon. Maybe. With the kickback from that thing, he didn’t know where the bullets would actually go. But he didn’t want to risk anyone getting shot, so he offered up his watch, and his iPod which he had stuffed into one of the drawers. Other attendants behind the counter followed suit.
“Him, too,” the robber said, gesturing to Ryeowook’s prone form.
Jongwoon sighed, laying his hands down on the desk. “Hasn’t replaced his cell phone in ten years. It’s probably still the radioactive kind. You know the type.”
“I like antiques.”
Jongwoon sighed again, but before he could say anything more, the man said, “Come on, chop-chop! We don’t have all day here.”
Jongwoon sort of wished that there could be another reason for him to be sticking his hands in Ryeowook’s pants. But he squished that thought as soon as it came up. At leastuntil after this was over. Staring down the barrel of a gun would do that to a man. To any man, even one who was still a virgin and had just moved out of his mother’s basement in the past year.
Why was he thinking about that?
He dropped Ryeowook’s ancient phone and pocket lint into the robber’s bag.
“No money?” he asked finally.
“You know, you ask too many questions, so I’m going to make this one simple for you.” He moved the gun off of Jongwoon and onto the chest of the lady he still had his arm around. “You’re not going to call the cops, and none of you are going to so much as move a muscle until we’re out of here, or I will shoot her, then you. Understand?”
---
“Hey, hey, watch it! Do you have any idea how hard it is to run in heels?” The ‘woman’ had lost all of her former feminine charm (and most of her feminine voice, too) as she was pulled along behind her ‘captor.’
“You chose to wear the heels,” the robber said, pushing her (him?) into the back seat of his nondescript pick-up truck. “I, on the other hand, was forced into wearing this mask. What’s wrong with a good old-fashioned ski mask?” He pulled off the mask and threw it into the seat beside him, revealing boyish features and a scowl plastered across his face as he reved the engine and drove off. They would ditch the car soon enough, but they just had to put some distance between them and the bank first.
Heechul pulled the fake breasts out of his shirt and threw them beside the mask, leaning forward to wrap his arms around the robber’s shoulders. “Tell me, Kyuhyunnie, have you ever seen The Bride of Chucky? That is some scary shit. And as far as ski masks go, their entirely too obvious, overused, and overrated. Just get over it. If it upsets you that much, next time, you can be the girl and I’ll be the evil hostage taker.”
---
A/N: Your prompt: What business could Siwon and Eunhyuk possibly have in South Africa? And what does it have t do with Kyuhyun and Heechul?