The One Where Nino is a Psychic Detective
Title: The One Where Nino is a Psychic Detective
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Ninomiya Kazunari; Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho; other assorted cameos
Summary: Nino is a fake psychic detective, working with his stuffy sidekick and BFF Sho to solve mysteries. One day, an idol in fabulous sunglasses comes in - just who is abducting boys from his entertainment agency? Nino’s on the case!
Notes/Warnings: Obviously this was me. Written for that ho katmillia for je_holiday 2009! Borrowed from the TV shows Psych and a bit of Flight of the Conchords.
He stared at the game over screen in disbelief. Nino thought he’d timed the jump perfectly, just like everything else he’d done in this level - how the hell had he missed the platform?
He flung the controller across the room in disgust. It was clearly a glitch of the system. He was saved from having to get up to retrieve the controller when the door opened, and Sho came in with a frown as he nearly tripped over it.
Sho set down his briefcase on his desk and picked up the controller. “Tell me you didn’t spend the whole night in here playing that.”
“Well, I did run out to get some energy drinks,” he admitted, drawing Sho’s attention to the pile of empty cans left behind on the floor beside him.
Sakurai looked ready to burst a blood vessel, neat freak that he tended to be. Sho just scowled at him as he tossed the controller back in Nino’s hands, cleaning up the mess before he had a seizure. “It’s eight in the morning, and I have an important meeting in half an hour.”
“So go catch your train,” Nino grumbled. “Heaven forbid your more awesome job take you away from your boring one.”
Sho was busy dividing Nino’s trash into recyclable and not. “My job isn’t boring. We’re releasing the new medication for restless legs syndrome next week. Roll-out’s an important time for me.”
“That’s not a disease.”
“It is,” Sho assured him.
Nino didn’t exactly know why he and Sakurai Sho had ever become friends. Sure, they’d gone to junior high and high school together, but Nino’s educational aspirations had ended pretty decisively while Sho went on to university. Now Sho worked as a pharmaceutical sales rep for some big name company, and Nino had had his share of crappy jobs.
But he’d found the perfect niche now. No need to work in a retail shop or in manual labor - not when years of gaming had heightened his perception and attention to detail. By some stroke of luck, he helped solve a case for the Tokyo Metropolitan Police - and because he’d been in a particularly snotty mood that day, he’d claimed to be psychic. He hadn’t expected them to take him seriously.
So now, here in their small but cozy offices in Akihabara, he operated a psychic detective agency. It was a pretty sweet deal. The money they made from the police and private clients paid for the office space - and for snacks and games. What more did a man need?
Nino wasn’t much for dressing fancy or waking before noon, so having Sho around in his suits with his university-educated demeanor added an air of legitimacy to the whole operation. The psychic and the businessman - it had all worked so far. And having the whole “psychic thing” as a part-time job gave Sho something to complain about, and Nino knew that deep down, Sho just liked bitching about things.
So long as the cops never found out that Nino’s psychic abilities were…exaggerated, to say the least.
Sho was digging candy wrappers out of the aluminum recycling, grumbling under his breath as he moved it to the paper recycling. “I swear, Ninomiya, you would be living under a bridge if it wasn’t for me.”
Sakurai also had a bit of a martyr complex. But bless his heart, he was fun to go out with for drunken karaoke, and he always paid. “We’ll get a new case soon. These things take time.” He reset the X-Box and settled in for another marathon session.
Oddly enough, their new case came just as Sho was heading out the door. Officer Ohno waved as he came into the office. “It smells like shrimp in the hallway,” he noted, setting down his policeman’s cap where Sho’s briefcase had just rested.
“Fill me in on the details later. I’m…”
“Going to be late. We know. We all know. Just go!” Nino complained, gesturing for the policeman to grab him another CC Lemon from the mini fridge. Sho left in a huff, and Nino was glad that his more laid-back friend was visiting.
Their detective offices were on the fourth floor of the building, and the local police box was on the ground floor. Ohno liked to pay visits during his breaks, and he usually fed them quite a few leads - cases the police had no time for…or no interest in pursuing. He stretched, usually calm features looking rather disgruntled. Well, at least for him.
“What’s wrong?” Nino asked.
“People were asking for directions.”
He snorted. “Isn’t it your job to help them?”
Ohno shrugged. “They were speaking Italian or something. I just said I was on a break.”
Well, it was good to know that Japan was protected by men like Officer Ohno, and that the country was making a good impression on visiting foreigners.
He handed Ohno a second controller. He wasn’t the best partner for multiplayer, but he was better than Sho at least. “Okay,” Nino said once he was looking across the battlefield through the scope of his sniper rifle. “Got any cases for us?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. Well, I think so.”
“Hmm?” Nino wondered, taking aim at the red team. He’d get their flag in eight minutes, twenty-four seconds if he’d planned it correctly.
“Whoa,” Ohno mumbled as Nino saw the small explosion. “Didn’t know I had the missile launcher equipped. But anyway, this guy’s been going from station to station, demanding someone investigate missing persons. Nobody’s biting.”
“Missing and nobody reported them gone?”
“You got it,” Ohno replied. “So what can the police do if nobody misses them?”
Nino moved to avoid some more of Ohno’s friendly fire and stealthily headed for the other team’s weakest side. “Send in the psychic, right?”
“Right.”
Four and a half minutes left until he could get the flag. “Is he willing to pay?”
Ohno nodded, wincing as a frag mine blew up in his face, taking away half his hit points as he tried to follow after Nino. “I’m sure he could. He has to have money.”
Nino was intrigued. “Famous?”
“That’s what my guy down at headquarters said.”
A famous client. Not only would they be rolling in money when they solved the case, but there’d be publicity for the agency. Publicity for himself. Ninomiya Kazunari - Psychic Detective.
“Get him in here,” Nino said, getting ready for some headshots from the safety of his current position.
The thought of a high-profile case, of the money it would bring, well it was enough to bring a smile to Nino’s face - he didn’t even let Ohno accidentally hitting him with a Molotov cocktail (“Sorry!”) ruin his good mood. So who could the client be?
--
Sho was just getting back from work when their client arrived. “Did I just see who I think I saw on the way up here?” Sho asked, eyes wide as Nino was fiddling with a calculator, wondering how much they could charge the guy.
“I don’t know,” Nino replied. “Who did you see?”
But they were interrupted by the knock on the door, and Nino got to his feet, watching Sho sit down in the chair at his own desk, gripping the armrests. He opened the door, seeing the guy for the first time.
He had on sunglasses (despite it being very much night time outside) and a baseball cap to stay incognito - but wearing designer clothes around Akiba probably hadn’t served as much of a deterrent. “Come on in,” Nino said, waving Mr. Famous into the office.
Sho was ready to wet himself as the guy undid his scarf and took off his sunglasses. “You the psychic guys?”
“I’m the one who communes with the great beyond,” Nino interrupted immediately. “Ninomiya Kazunari. That’s my associate, Sakurai Sho. You must be…?”
He arched one of his eyebrows, as if Nino’s lack of recognition had personally offended him. “I’m Matsumoto Jun.”
And Sho was out of his seat and offering his hand. “I’m a long-time fan, Mr. Matsumoto. I have all your CDs. I feel a little odd joining the fan club, but really, I am such a fan.”
Oh, this was embarrassing. Now Nino kind of recognized him - he was one of those guys who got paid to take pictures for horny teenage girls’ walls and sing really horrible pop music. Sho probably had posters of the guy in his closet - the same closet Sho would probably hide in until he was evicted from the premises. Nino would stick with his Chrono Trigger soundtrack and the occasional hentai dvd.
Matsumoto granted Sho a smile that kind of gave Nino the creeps, but then again, he wasn’t the fanboy here. “Thank you, really.” He and Sho were still shaking hands.
“Okay,” Nino barged in, getting down to business before his friend started dry humping the idol’s leg. “Officer Ohno from the Tokyo Police, a personal friend to Sho and myself, says you’ve got some missing persons thing?”
Matsumoto looked serious, finally releasing Sho’s hand. “It’s something going on at my agency, you know, at Joey’s. The younger boys, well they all live in a dorm. And I swear to you, Mr. Ninomiya…”
“Yeah, Nino’s fine.”
Jun clearly did not like being interrupted by some random psychic nerd in Akihabara, that much was obvious from his grumpy face. “I swear to you, Nino, there are boys who join the agency and they vanish. Their parents never report them missing, because hey, aren’t they supposed to be in the dorm?”
“What’s the agency doing about this?” Sho asked, finally (FINALLY!) returning to his serious salaryman form instead of squealing girl mode.
Matsumoto sighed. “Nothing. I’m not really supposed to talk about this with anyone. Contract and all, but I think the reason nobody’s doing anything is because it’s someone within the agency.”
“Someone with a predilection for young boys,” Nino grumbled, feeling the creepy increase. This wasn’t going to be a pleasant case. The one with the maid café stalker had at least had you know, maids. Instead of pedophiles or killers or killer pedophiles.
“Or someone with an axe to grind,” Sho pointed out, inching closer to Jun. Nino noticed, but Matsumoto didn’t. This was why Nino was the fake psychic and Matsumoto was the fake entertainer. “Someone who has something against Joey’s. Trying to kill off, kidnap, whatever the new talent.”
Sho went on to explain Joey’s a bit. How many big name stars had been launched, how much money they raked in every year, their well trained army of singing, dancing, back flipping boys. Sounded like a cult to Nino.
Jun seemed pleased that they were taking his concerns seriously. “I’ve been thinking the same thing.” Though Nino was so obviously the psychic, Jun only had eyes for Sho. It was probably the suit. His friend did kind of look like a professional something or other while Nino looked like…well, he looked comfortable.
“Well, I’m sure the life of a superstar is busy, don’t let us keep you,” Nino said, already growing sick of the instant, nauseating attraction happening under his nose. “We’ll take your case. Can we meet up with you to negotiate fees?”
“Of course, there’s no need to pay us,” Sho blurted out, and Nino stomped on his foot. “Just kidding.”
Nino threw Jun’s scarf at him. He wasn’t feeling particularly accommodating towards clients this evening. “Yeah, I’ll have you come by my manager’s office to work something out.”
This gave Nino a bit of worry. “How do you know it’s not your manager whisking all these boys away?”
Jun just laughed. “Aiba? Aiba wouldn’t hurt a fly. Here’s my number,” he handed over a card, and Nino took it before Sho got a chance. “And here’s the address for my manager’s office. Can I expect you around 10 AM?”
“Well, you see, Sakurai here has a regular job and…”
Sho yanked the card out of Nino’s hand. “I can take some time off. It’s not a problem.”
“Restless legs roll-out?” Nino muttered under his breath, but Sho just beamed at his pretty-faced idol.
“It’s not a problem, Mr. Matsumoto, really!” Sho said, and Jun just nodded in gratitude. Nino closed the door after the fluffy haired guy and shook his head at his business partner.
“Can I trust you to stay professional here?” he nagged Sho, getting back to his calculator. If Matsumoto was really famous, Nino could bleed him dry. The newest DS-i model was coming out soon after all.
Sho crossed his arms. “Me? You're asking me this? What about the maids, Nino? And the girl with the dog possessed by a demon? Oh, and the mother and daughter snowmobile enthusiasts?”
“Deflection.”
“I'm not deflecting! I'm saying that you always hit on clients! Always! I'm just trying to...”
Nino chucked the calculator at Sho's head. “Deflection! Seriously, keep your tongue out of the guy's mouth at least until we get paid, alright?”
Sho was quiet. Probably because he was thinking a little too hard about what Nino had just said. This case was going to try his fake psychic patience, that much was already obvious.
-
It became readily apparent that Matsumoto Jun was not the best that the Joey's boy band juggernaut had to offer. What Sho had neglected to mention was the fact that Matsumoto was not a debuted artist. This apparently made a big difference in terms of cash flow - sure, Jun was pretty, but he only made guest appearances on other groups' variety shows, acted occasionally, and all the CDs he'd released? Oh yeah, he'd made them himself and distributed them on a secret mailing list.
And then there was the music on said CDs. Nino liked to get to know his clients - some of them in the Biblical sense. After twenty-six seconds of “Get Naked with Me, Girl, Tonight,” Matsumoto's nasally voice was already driving Nino to drink. Which was not so good at 9 in the morning when en route to a meeting with Matsumoto's manager. He'd already gotten nightmares after watching streaming video of Jun's drama appearances the night before.
His last acting work had been in something that aired at 2:00 AM four years ago called Bobo-chan's Magical Friendship Bus. Jun had guest starred in a possum costume - for five minutes. He was not a very convincing possum - as far as Nino knew, most possums did not wiggle their hips like an intoxicated drag queen.
Sho was driving, putting on “Get Naked with Me, Girl, Tonight” for about the fifth time. Nino wondered if he'd make more money selling plasma than from someone who wasn't really worth idolizing. “We have to get into Joey's,” Sho said, fiddling with the bass settings for his car stereo.
“I heard it's harder to get in there than into the Imperial Palace. We'll have to use your boyfriend to get us in there.”
Sho blushed, and Nino was one minute closer to bailing from the car completely and letting the pavement do its worst. They made it through traffic to the office in Shibuya. Sadly enough, the building was just as pathetic as Matsumoto's idol career. Aiba Masaki shared office space on the same floor as an exterminator, a telemarketing company, and a small-time pornography studio. Because really, what else could Come On My Face Studios be?
Jun was already there in a different hat and a different pair of sunglasses, and he and Sho shared another creepy handshake. Nino almost needed a cigarette just for having to watch. “Good morning, Mr. Matsumoto. I trust we'll be working out a plan?” he asked, and Jun let go of Sho's hand.
“Come on in.”
They entered the small office. It was sparsely appointed with the man's desk, framed photographs on the wall of other idols he managed, and several meticulously constructed Lego creations. Nino was especially impressed with the Lego Gundam proudly displayed on Aiba's desk, but there was little time to geek out.
Aiba was dressed like a guy who wanted to dress like a yakuza but didn't exactly know how to - he had on a pinstriped suit and a ruffled green shirt. His perm was about 20 kinds of ridiculous. He had lots of (fake) gold around his neck and on his fingers as he shook Nino and Sho's hands. “Good morning, good morning, welcome, welcome!”
Jun perched himself on Aiba's desk while he and Sho took a seat in the strange smelling leather chairs in front of the desk. Aiba didn't appear to have a computer - in fact, he only had a cell phone and a notepad on his desk. This was a sad operation.
Aiba took out a pen and started scribbling. “Okay. Matsujun!”
“Here.”
Wait, was this guy taking roll? There were only four people here!
“Ninomiya Kazunari.”
“Uh, Nino.”
Aiba looked up with a disapproving look. “Ninomiya Kazunari?”
Sho elbowed him, and Nino sighed. “Here.”
Aiba perked up considerably and moved down his list. “Sakuradon Sho?”
Sho leaned forward, pulling a pen from his pocket. “Sakurai. This is read as Sakurai. Oh, and here.”
The manager worked to correct his kanji, leaving the other three in an awkward silence as he erased and started rewriting it. One agonizing minute later, Aiba finally moved on. “And Aiba Masaki. Present!” Jun didn't seem to find any of this strange or irritating. “Okay! Looks like everyone's here!”
Nino was starting to understand why Matsumoto Jun wasn't the most successful idol in Joey's. Jun went on to explain to his manager why he'd called in a psychic detective.
“A psychic huh?” Aiba asked, wide eyed. “Can you read my mind? Please don't!”
Nino fidgeted. The walls were pretty thin, and it was readily apparent that Come on My Face Studios was right next door. “Uh, well I don't really read minds. The spirits tell me things.”
“That's pretty nice. My Aunt Kumiko used to be able to talk to squirrels. Horny little bastards, too,” Aiba pointed out.
Another awkward silence fell over the pathetic office until Sho put his college-level elocution to work and took out his PDA and started to take notes. “We're mostly here to figure out how to get into Joey's and determine who is abducting these juniors. Mr. Aiba, Jun, you both know the organization better than Nino and myself. Do you have a plan of action?”
Now Sho was being impressive. It was far preferable to him drooling at the sight of Matsumoto's Dolce and Gabbana underpants poking out over the top of his jeans.
“Client conference!” Aiba announced. “Um, could you turn around for a sec?”
Nino bit back a laugh while Aiba and Jun had a miniature pow-wow complete with whispering and exaggerated hand gestures. He and Sho politely looked aside while they discussed their strategy. Whatever made Nino money in the end, he figured.
Aiba cracked his knuckles, cheap rings gleaming under the fluorescent lighting. “Nino, can you sing?”
Pfft, of course he could. “Well, the spirits have blessed me in that regard, sure.”
Jun seemed pleased. “Dance? Can you dance?”
He didn't really get the line of questioning, but any chance to show off couldn't hurt. “I regularly break DDR machines with my skills, yes.”
Aiba and Jun exchanged eager glances while beside him, Sho was starting to look nervous.
The manager beamed. “And since you're sixteen, you're perfect!”
“Wait, what?”
Aiba cocked his head to the side. “You're about sixteen, aren't you? That's what Jun told me.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I'm twenty-six.”
Jun looked extremely embarrassed then, even the tips of his ears turning scarlet. “I...but you look...”
Okay, this could not possibly be worth what they were going to end up paying him. Sure, Nino looked young for his age. But he sure as hell did not look like a high schooler! He was a living, breathing, hot-blooded twenty-something male at his physical peak!
“I'm twenty-six! Twenty. Six. Twenty. Freaking. Six!”
Sho put a hand on his shoulder to calm him. It wasn't working. “Nino, they didn't mean to offend you...”
“Twenty-six, damn it!”
“Let's just hear them out, okay?” Sho turned to Jun and Aiba hopefully. “Why does it matter if he can sing and dance and looks sixteen anyhow?”
Jun and Aiba just exchanged a grin.
-
He felt like an idiot.
“We just put you as 1993 instead of 1983,” Jun was explaining as he handed him the balled up pair of socks. “Here, shove this down your pants to enhance your junk.”
Nino took the socks with a scowl. His junk required no enhancement. Aiba had connections in the Joey's costume closet. Nino was standing here in the hallway of the agency in an ill-fitting (read: intentionally tight in all the right places) high school uniform longing for the angel of death to come claim him.
The best way to get into the agency was to literally get into the agency. There was an audition that afternoon, and the pretty-eyelashed Matsumoto Jun himself had vouched for Nino's application. Jun and Aiba both had assured him that the leader of Joey's, Kiwagata Joey himself, chose which boys got in - there was no real background checking. Once Nino got into Joey's, he could get close to the different senpai running around - he could figure out who was the boy snatcher. The only cost was his dignity, of course.
Sho was trying and failing to hold in his laughs. “I'm sorry, you look horrible.”
“Shut your mouth.”
Sakurai, his tentative manager, handed him the schoolbag. “You show real initiative turning in your application on your own. You know, not having your mommy send it.”
“I swear to god, Sho, if I wasn't about to sing and dance my ass off I would put my foot so far up your...”
A rather stern looking woman emerged from the audition room with a clipboard. “Ninomiya Kazunari?”
He made his voice crack a bit when he turned on his billion yen smile. It was better than Matsumoto's. It was downright angelic. “That's me!”
Sho gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Knock 'em dead, tiger. You'll be doing photo shoots with your toothbrush in no time.”
He hid his rude gesture for Sho behind his back as he followed the woman, Jun and Aiba into the audition room. It was eerily quiet and strangely dark. In the far corner of the room, there was a carved wooden chair and an old wrinkly man seated within. His features were mostly hidden by the darkness, but Jun had said that Joey sat in on all auditions. Nino was already pretty convinced that this dude was the kid toucher, but these cases always tended to throw him curve balls. If he wasn't THE kid toucher, he was probably A kid toucher.
Jun and Aiba took seats at another table with other agency folks, although their opinions didn't matter. Joey made all the decisions.
“Good morning. My name is Ninomiya Kazunari. I love baseball and making girls smile.”
He could already see Aiba's thumbs up. He really should not have let Jun's manager write his lines for him, but he charged an extra 300 yen an hour for the privilege.
Joey remained silent in the shadows. Maybe he was dead, Nino couldn't tell. But the others at Jun and Aiba's table seemed awestruck. He even heard a muffled “Oh, he's a cutie! He can't be sixteen already!” from someone and did his utmost to keep his idol smile on. He was twenty-six. Damn it.
“I'll be auditioning with uh...” Aiba was nodding, Jun was nodding, and Nino wanted to adjust the socks down his pants. “Matsumoto Jun's Get Naked with Me, Girl, Tonight.”
-
“You were amazing, Nino!” Aiba was saying, alcohol making him even friendlier and touchier. Nino had already determined that Aiba was innocent. He was too...strange to have an elaborate boy-napping operation going on. He had trouble getting food in his mouth half of the time.
They were out celebrating Nino's fantastic Joey's audition - the man himself had actually gotten out of the chair to applaud after Nino had sang and danced. He'd missed a few steps, but apparently his cuteness had brought a tear to the creepy old man's eye. Nino would be the newest Joey's Junior starting tomorrow, so long as he got his mom to sign the permission slip.
Sho and Jun could only be described as canoodling, so Nino just focused on drinking as much alcohol as possible since he'd be moving into the Joey's dorms. No drinking, no girls. Just boot camp during the day, interrogating and investigating as much as possible by night. Jun had a suspect list, but he was too well known in the agency to go poking around. And besides, he was filming a commercial for teeth whitening strips (thanks to Aiba) the next few days and had little time to figure out who was getting friendly with his juniors.
“The spirits were with me at the audition. I sensed that Joey wanted me to slip up on the whole kick thing.” Jun, his choreographer, had insisted he do a ridiculous kick at the end of the routine - Nino had strained something or other since he was twenty-six and lazy, not sixteen and made of rubber. He'd just have to ice up that night before he did any more dancing.
Jun broke away from whispering sweet nothings in Sho's ear. “You've made it this far, Nino, but don't get cocky. It's a cutthroat industry. Think Crows Zero meets Battle Royale.”
“Meets West Side Story,” Nino grumbled into his rum and coke. “By way of the Sanrio Store.”
He could take these punks. He'd beat them at their own game. It wasn't exactly difficult to carry a tune and wiggle his booty. He wondered what all the fuss was about, given the talent level he'd seen wandering around after the audition. One of the other juniors had walked into a glass door six times before realizing it wasn't an automatic one.
“Do you need me tomorrow?” Sho asked him, face twisting into a really creepy smile since Jun was obviously touching him...somewhere under the table.
His “manager” was already ditching him on his first day? What a joke. Sho was definitely not getting his usual forty percent (Nino got the bigger percentage for being the psychic after all) when this case was over - not that he'd mind. He was going to get to sing sweet melodies in the bedroom all night long with his nasally idol. The thought made Nino reach for his drink again while Aiba was trying to get a girl in the next booth to take her top off “for the good of the country.”
He could sense murder in the future - whether it was someone killing the boys at Joey's or Nino himself killing his table companions remained to be seen.
-
Takizawa clapped his hands again. “Five, six, seven, eight! Keep up or go home, okay?”
Nino was sweating buckets, having flailed his limbs about while lip synching to god awful atrocious bubblegum pop for four hours. The routines weren't so hard to memorize. He'd even managed to do a backflip. The lack of breaks and the other club footed drones running into him during the routine were the hard parts.
He wasn't any closer to finding suspects. Jun's main suspect was a guy who wasn't even in the agency any longer - something Jun had neglected to tell him until he was dragging Sho into a limo by his tie at 2:00 AM the night before. Nino was just glad Sho hadn't drunk dialed him later to proclaim that he'd finally gotten laid after his year long drought.
They ran through the number again, one of the quicker songs by one of the senpai groups in Joey's until one of the other juniors collapsed from exhaustion. “Alright, alright,” Takizawa said. “Let's take five.”
Well, now was his chance. Takizawa Hideaki had been in the company as long as Jun had, and he helped with choreography when he wasn't busy being Joey's right hand guy. If Nino could get close to Takizawa, he could get close to Joey and figure out if the old man was the perv in question. He slung his towel over his shoulder, grabbed his water bottle and trotted over to where Tackey was switching music in the tape deck.
“I'm Nino. I'm new.”
Tackey turned around and smiled politely. “Nice to meet you.” Nino had never seen a man sweat so...perfectly. It made him look better if that was possible. No wonder he was so close to Joey. He also had on expensive sneakers, and although he'd led the dancing with little trouble, he was favoring his right leg. It was the little things that tended to tell Nino all he needed. The guy wasn’t getting any younger - dancing like this got tough the older you got.
“I was wondering, senpai...” Nino was probably the same age as this pretty boy, and twice the man, if his Xbox Live gamer score was any measure of manliness. “How do you get to talk to Joey? I wanted to thank him for selecting me at the audition.”
Tackey laughed. “Oh, he's always around. You can smell him coming - he has this cream he uses for his sciatica.”
He wondered if Sho's pharmaceutical company sold that cream. Maybe if he got a stock of it, he could get in to see Joey, no problem. “Do I need an appointment or something though?”
His senpai seemed a little weirded out by Nino's line of questioning, but it wasn't anything stranger than the one kid asking earlier if Tackey would autograph his jock strap. “I could...talk to him. If you really wanted me to, you know, if you really want to uh, thank him?”
Oh no. No no no no no, this was not what he was saying. But...
Nino looked down and tried to look innocent. “Sure, that would be great. Thanks.”
Tackey just nodded and got the music prepped. “Okay, everyone! Back to your starting spots!”
Nino was in; he was so in.
-
With the pretense of his mom signing him out for the weekend (and damn if Sho wasn't convincing in a housewife coat and pearls), Nino was on to the number one suspect on Jun's list. Jun and Aiba were known faces to this guy, so he was out with Ohno. Satoshi really just enjoyed getting out clubbing once in a while - for all that he just looked like your average sleepy cop, Ohno could bust a move. The guy could have had a real future in Joey's.
Not that Nino had much respect for Joey's after completing his first week of idol boot camp. He'd been poked and prodded and that was just the inaugural pillow fight in the dorm. These kids were really socially retarded. Just plain weird all around - but he supposed that when one's life revolved around photo shoots, singing off-key and clomping around in oversized boots (or roller skates - what was up with THOSE kids?), social skills tended to fly out the window.
“So what's our perp look like?” Ohno asked. He looked like a thug with a backwards baseball cap and oversized jeans - perfect for this club here in Roppongi. They'd already passed a few drunken Americans who'd pointed and said “Wasn't he in Tokyo Drift?”
Nino smacked him. “Don't call him a perp. We don't know if he's our guy.”
He was pretty easy to find, seeing as how he'd been halfway famous for a few years. Akanishi Jin, the former Joey's “bad boy” had been kicked out of the agency. Officially, it had been for posting his picture online, breaking agency policy; unofficially, he'd been cut for apathy. He'd been more interested in getting his drink on than learning choreography or giving more than one-word answers for the latest Wink Up. Was getting fired enough to drive the guy crazy though?
That was a little hard to believe when he had his tongue down some sleazy girl's throat while he fondled another at the table in the corner of the club. Ohno seemed rather impressed with the guy. “He's got skills,” Satoshi admitted. “I'll get some drinks since you always get carded.”
Ohno was gone before Nino could offer an angry retort. He approached, trying to get Jin's attention over the latest Korean pop song about wanting to grope the one you love. The guy removed his mouth from where it had been vacuum sealed to the girl's.
“Are you Akanishi?”
The guy was beyond drunk. “What?”
He shouted to be heard. “Are you Akanishi Jin, the best there ever was?”
That got his attention. He pushed the girl away and patted the booth seat next to him. Nino wondered if diseases of a sexual nature could seep from a plastic booth and through the fabric of his jeans. He hoped not as he sat down beside Jin and introduced himself.
“You old enough to be in here?” Jin asked him, spilling his drink on the other girl's dress, sending her off in a huff.
Why did everyone think he looked underage? He couldn't trust Jin not to report him to the agency, so he just smiled his most pedo bait smile. “I have a fake ID. I'm new to the agency. I really look up to you and was hoping I could get some advice about how to deal with all the idiots there.”
This was definitely up Jin's alley - it wasn't a fawning fan, no...Nino was turning on the charm and seeking advice from a senpai. Jin put his arm around him heavily, slurring. “They're all assholes there, man. Don't let you take a piss without someone holding your dick for you.”
Jin certainly had a way with words.
“Do you hate Joey's?”
“Hate?” Jin wondered, tapping his foot to the music. Ohno approached then with their drinks and one for Jin. Akanishi didn't even care who Ohno was since the policeman had brought him a Jack and coke. “Nah, I don't hate them. Best thing that ever happened to me. I do what I want, when I want now. And I don't have to dance like an idiot. I write my own damn music.”
Why would Matsumoto have pinned all his hopes on Akanishi? Clearly the guy was partying every night and getting laid - he didn't seem to miss the agency at all. And if he was happier, why bother breaking back in and snatching kids? Too much effort.
It was a dead end, and now Akanishi was begging him to go back to his place to shoot a beer bong. Much as Nino wanted to, Akanishi was a dead end - he didn't need to bust out his Ouija board to figure that out. He scribbled down a fake number and handed it to Jin.
“I've got homework. But we'll totally have to do this again.”
Jin gave him a high five. “I'll get you and your friend some tail, you guys are cool.”
Ohno seemed pleased by this prospect, and Nino had to drag the policeman away.
“You don't want the girls he knows,” he told Ohno as they headed for the exit.
As they rode back in the cab, Ohno dozing on his shoulder and murmuring about Tokyo Drift, a strange realization hit Nino. Tracking down Akanishi got Nino out of the agency dorms - as soon as he returned, the jock strap kid was gone and everyone was denying that he'd ever been there. Nobody knew who the hell jock strap kid was.
Things were just as serious as Jun had implied. But Nino had been out of the danger zone. In fact, jock strap kid had disappeared just as Nino had gotten “signed out” for the weekend. This...this didn't sit well. It was like they waited for Nino to be out of the way.
He had to talk to Sho. He had to talk to Sho right now.
-
“You smell like an ashtray,” Sho grumbled as they met up at the office in Akihabara. Nino had to look away from his woefully neglected gaming systems. He'd just cry otherwise.
“I was out at a club in Roppongi getting acquainted with one Akanishi Jin.”
Sho perked up a bit. He'd been working serious overtime to make up for the first few days when he'd taken off to become Matsumoto Jun's new best bed friend. “And? Is it him?”
“Oh hell no,” Nino said, narrowing his eyes. “Tell me something, Sho. Where's Jun?”
Sho was confused. “Uh, at home? I think? I don't have his schedule memorized.”
Nino grabbed at his friend, and despite Sho trying to bat away his hands, Sho always hit like a girl and was not as quick as Nino. He got Sho's PDA out of his inside pocket and turned it on. There was already a file open - Matsumoto Jun Schedule.
“So creepy, Sho. Seriously creepy,” Nino murmured as he clicked through an hour by hour schedule of what Sho's beloved was up to. Sho had even blocked out some parts of the calendar, mostly at night, with red hearts - Nino had one guess for what that meant, and the visuals made him want to get a lobotomy immediately. But the part that lined up with that evening was as suspicious as Nino had suspected.
He turned around the little view screen for Sho to see. “Alright Sakurai, tell me what the 7pm to midnight block here says.”
Sho looked more than a little mortified. “It says Jun goes to animal hospital to sing to sick iguanas.”
“For five hours, Sho?”
“Maybe there's a lot of iguanas.”
“Or maybe Jun's bullshitting you. Did he say himself that's where he's going?”
Sho was immediately furious. “Wait a minute, just wait one damn minute. You aren't suspecting Jun, are you? He came to us for help!”
Nino tossed the PDA back and crossed his arms. “A little convenient that one of his beloved little juniors vanished the minute I left the dorm for the weekend, no?”
Sakurai wasn't hearing any of it. He was close to plugging his ears with his fingers like he'd done in junior high when he was grumpy about something ridiculous. “No, I don't believe it. Jun wants these kids to be saved!”
“He wants to save them himself, Sho, don't you get it?” Nino pleaded as so many puzzle pieces fell into place. He thought about the sad state of Aiba's office, about horrible CDs distributed by mailing list, and about how popular Akanishi was despite having left the agency. Matsumoto Jun had been an undebuted idol for a decade - that would drive anyone a little nutty. “He probably wants to miraculously 'find' these kids and be a hero. You're his biggest fan, and he's latched on to you, Sho. Isn't that a little strange?”
Sho looked near tears. “You think it's strange that someone would be interested in me?”
Oh god. “No, that's not what I'm...don't you dare cry like a girl, Sakurai, I'm not listening. Seriously though, he's getting close to you to throw you off the trail. I bet he's got those boys hidden somewhere until it makes sense to bring them out and get all the publicity he's always wanted. You saw the possum thing right? This guy has to be disgruntled!”
“I think you've been getting a little too into the idol thing yourself, Nino,” Sho said angrily, shaking in his boring salaryman suit. “Don't think I haven't been keeping up with your blog. 'Dear Internet, I totally memorized the new choreography faster than that fifteen year old mouth breather from Kansai. I am the best thing to happen to this agency'. Yeah, so don't go accusing Jun just because you'd rather sing pop songs and back dance for TUN-KAT than find the real culprit here.”
How dare he. How DARE he. And yeah, he had memorized it faster, but whatever. “Matsumoto's the guy. I don't care how much cuddling he does with you, he's probably got innocent kids locked up in a freezer. I'm going back to the agency - are you with me or against me?”
Sho still looked ready to soil himself at the thought of having bedded their new main suspect. “I'm with you. But that's only because you don't have a car of your own and you're too cheap to recharge your train pass.”
Nino shrugged. “Noted.”
-
Sho had been in Matsumoto's apartment - the less Nino thought about that, the better. He wasn't stashing the kids there. Jun didn't exactly have money, and Aiba would probably have gotten suspicious if Jun had wanted to stash teen boys at his office. Obviously the manager wasn't involved.
They had to be somewhere in the agency dorms - the sprawling complex was something out of a manga. Or out of Metal Gear Solid. Lots of shadowy corridors - plenty of places to stash kids. They were all kind of slow, Nino realized, so tricking them into a random closet wouldn't have been that difficult, especially for someone of Matsumoto's fame within Joey's.
Hell, maybe Matsumoto was trading boys to Joey in exchange for a better gig. Maybe Joey had a get 10 boys, get debuted sale going on this week - either way, Jun probably wanted the publicity that the whole scandal would bring him. Akanishi's failure to follow the rules and subsequent success probably pissed off the hard-working Mr. Gucci Sunglasses something fierce.
“I still don't see why I'm in the mom outfit,” Sho complained, tugging on his wig. “I'm your manager in this stupid scheme too.”
“Nobody's mom is suspicious,” Nino reassured him, lying through his teeth. He just wanted to let Sho experience a little pain after all he'd had to endure these past few weeks. Plus, he looked kind of good in heels - he had great legs.
“If Jun sees me in this get-up...”
“Can we focus, Sho? Think about restless legs syndrome or overactive bladder or some other meds you shill, would you?”
Sho quieted down, and the only sound was Sho's mom heels clicking on the linoleum as they crept around after curfew. They rounded a corner and that's when they heard the shout.
“Help!”
Nino and Sho froze, Sho bumping into Nino's back - his fake breasts were too creepily real and he sidestepped a bit. “Jun's probably there right now.”
“Stop saying it like it's so damn certain,” Sho protested, finally ditching the heels. They'd run faster without them.
They hurried off towards the sound of the shouting. They managed to find a closet at the bottom of a stairwell, pulling the door open to find another door and another until finally, there was a small room with a boy inside. It was jock strap boy, blindfolded and sitting on the floor. His kidnapper had been kind enough to provide him with a sandwich and an apple, still uneaten.
“Is someone there?”
Nino knelt down, pulling off the blindfold. Jock Strap kid looked thrilled. “Nino! Thank god! I thought I was done for!”
Sho crouched down too, and Jock Strap was rather horrified. “What the...”
“It's my mom.” Sho pulled off the wig in protest, and Jock Strap's eyes were like saucers. “Okay, scratch that. Not my mom. My manager.”
“Nice to meet you,” Sho said, reaching for the ropes binding the kid's ankles.
“Who did this to you?” Nino was asking when a shadow appeared in the doorway. He whirled around, wishing he'd had a weapon or something. “You!”
Jun was standing in the doorway looking furious. Sho and Nino both got to their feet, Sho looking rather ashamed. “What the hell is going on here?”
Nino put his hand to his forehead, leaning on Sho for support. “I'm getting some serious psychic vibes that you failed to entertain the iguanas.”
“Cut the crap, Ninomiya...” It was then that Jun noticed Sho. “Sho, why are you in a dress?”
“I'm...well...”
“Oh never mind,” Jun complained, stepping forward. Nino moved to stand in front of Jock Strap with as protective a pose as he could do. “Did you find the others?”
“The others you stashed in closets, Jun?” Nino asked.
Jun blinked. “Wait...what?”
It was then that Nino smelled it. It had been a while since he'd been to a zoo, but he'd worked in a pet shop for a grand total of three weeks trying to save up for a Dragon Quest game. Iguana poop. Jun was innocent.
Sho turned to Nino, looking just as furious as Jun. “I...I think the spirits are a little wonky tonight. They uh...there's really bad reception from the beyond in here. I was mistaken.”
“Told you so,” Sho complained.
“You defended me?” Jun asked sweetly, and he and Sho stared into each other's eyes, blah blah. There was still a creeper out there. He turned back to the quickly ignored Jock Strap kid.
“Do you know where the others are stashed?”
The kid shrugged. “I heard some scratching on the other side of the wall.”
“I'll forgive you trying to accuse me of being a pedophile if we work together, alright?” Jun offered, eyes darting to Sho's tight little butt in the dress every few disgusting seconds.
They went up and down the hall, knocking on doors in hopes of finding the others. Now that they had one boy, they'd find the others. He sent a quick text to Ohno on his phone, so hopefully the police would arrive in time for Nino's big psychic revelation. Things were starting to make sense.
Okay, so they'd made sense earlier when he could have sworn it was Jun, but now that it WASN'T Jun it was really freaking obvious. Oh well.
They found one boy, then another, then another. “Who did this to you?” Jun asked, pulling the blindfold off one of the kids. “Who put you here?”
“I don't know, but I kicked that bastard,” the one kid said, and Nino nearly did a backflip in happiness. He'd cracked this case, he was going to get paid, and he wouldn't have to sing any more pop music as soon as they found their culprit and Ohno got his arrest.
They gathered all the boys together, heading for the exit where the police would be waiting to get their statements, and just like clockwork, the villain of the week showed his pretty face.
Of course, like most villains of the week, he had a gun which he immediately trained on Jun when their ragtag group arrived in the Joey's lobby. Still favoring that right leg, but it seemed that only Nino had picked up on that, hadn't he? They all put their hands up and waited for the police to charge through the door.
Jun looked heartbroken, which was understandable. They'd probably been friends at some point. “Tackey...Tackey, what's going on?”
Takizawa in his fancy sneakers. Joey's right hand man - he probably knew the agency hiding spots like the back of his hand. Nino didn't need to get to Tackey to get close to Joey - it had been Tackey all along.
“Should have known you'd try to get involved, Matsumoto. You always were a suck-up.” He waggled his fingers at Jun as soon as they all heard the police cars pulling up outside the agency building. “Get over here, I need a hostage.”
“Jun, don't,” Sho protested, but Matsumoto was braver than Nino had given him credit for. He wasn't a good singer and not the best actor, but at least he put in 100%, which was more than Nino could say for himself most of the time. Jun stepped over, allowing Takizawa to hold the gun to his temple.
Ohno, several police and Kiwagata Joey himself came in moments later. Joey was in his pajamas, and he really did smell like some pharmaceutical cream that Sho carried around in his case.
“Tackey, what is going on?” the old man sputtered before turning to Nino and the other juniors. “And you! You're all sneaking around after hours! I'll have you for breach of contract!”
The police didn't make a move, and Tackey just tightened his grip on Matsumoto. Well, Nino guessed it was about time to work his magic.
“Oh!” he cried out, half collapsing against Sho before flinging himself onto the floor for a nice bout of spasms, fake psychic style. “Oh no!”
“Me?” Ohno asked, scratching at his head with part of his handcuffs.
“Oh NO!” Nino shouted, still convulsing. Tackey looked seriously worried, while Sho sighed one of his usual long suffering sighs.
“Looks like the spirits are talking to Ninomiya!” Sho said in a dramatic voice, finally earning his money. “Maybe we should listen!”
The police, Joey and even Tackey stayed quiet while Nino stopped flailing about, instead grabbing hold of his leg. “A kick! A well-placed kick!” He looked up at Tackey and narrowed his eyes. “I can see you, Takizawa.”
“He can see you,” Sho repeated. Tackey was getting scared.
Nino tried to roll his eyes back in his head. “I see...I see Joey doesn't pay as much attention to you now. Look at all these cute juniors, just waiting to take your place, right? So I see you...I see you taking them and locking them away!”
“I didn't,” Tackey protested.
“He did!” Jock Strap and his friends cheered behind them. “Nino's psychic!”
They were easily impressed by Nino's simple guess work, but hey, so long as he got paid. “I see you wanting to get all your competition out of the way - but it wasn't easy. One of them hurt you, hurt you bad!”
“Shut up!” Tackey was shouting, still pointing the gun at Jun, who was getting a little annoyed that Nino hadn't psychically gotten him away from the other crazy idol yet.
Joey stepped forward, bunny slippers sliding along the linoleum. “Tackey, is this true? You hurt these boys to get closer to me? You were never going to fall out of my favor!”
Nino ignored the creepy and undeniable WEIRD of that particular situation and rolled over onto his stomach. “The spirits I commune with say that Tackey regrets what he's done. And he won't do it again.” He made sure to meet eyes with the crazy guy - he was trying to at least lower the guy's prison term because kidnapping pretty boys wasn't going to do Tackey too many favors in jail.
Tackey dropped the gun, realizing it was over, and Ohno hurried forward to handcuff him. Joey still looked a bit shell-shocked - well, either that or he had fallen asleep. He was kind of a living fossil. “Well done, Ninomiya,” Jun said gratefully, helping him to his feet. Damn, the guy wore a lot of rings.
“Can I quit the stupid agency now?” he asked, watching the police haul Tackey away, Joey and his handlers shuffling after them (probably to figure out how to keep the press out of everything).
Jun nodded. “Probably a good idea.”
“Don't want to upstage the talent or anything,” he continued.
This time Jun ignored him. “I'll meet with Aiba tomorrow to cut you both a check. Have a good night. And thanks.”
He and Sho watched Jun head off into the night, still wearing sunglasses. And probably still smelling like iguana poop.
-
Sho entered, obviously running late since he had a bagel in between his teeth, a coffee in one hand and his briefcase in the other. Nino could already sense that Sho was on his way in here to complain about something or other - work, Nino's lack of work, something like that.
He didn't bother looking up from his brand new DS-i. “Morning.”
“Mmffmmfhmmfff,” Sho grumbled.
“What's that, boy? The new heart pills got approved?”
Sho set down his briefcase and took the bagel out of his mouth. “Well, yeah.” He sipped his coffee, already looking annoyed at the pile of pop cans and snack wrappers Nino had been building at his feet. “But I just wanted you to know I can’t make it for ramen tonight.”
Nino sighed. “Where’s he taking you this time?” Apparently Jun realized that the quickest way to Sakurai’s heart was through his stomach.
“New steak place in Akasaka,” Sho answered, already salivating. Nino was really kind of grossed out, but still happy for his friend. He figured that if Sho was at least seeing someone, he might be less uptight. Even if the person he was seeing was kind of weird and wore more jewelry than Mr. T.
“Good for you.”
There was a knock at the door. Officer Ohno let himself in and greeted them both. “Morning.”
“Hey Ohno,” Sho said, reaching for his briefcase again. “I have to…”
“Just go,” Nino laughed as Sho hurried out the door and off to work.
“New game huh?” the policeman asked.
“Thanks to our idol friend,” he explained. Jun had been rather generous, but that was made possible by his new position in some group of guys. The boy idol had become a debuted man…idol. Or something. Nino didn’t care much for specifics - he cared more about his bank balance. “Got a case for us?”
Ohno smiled. “How’d you guess?”
Nino tapped his stylus against the DS-i screen with a flourish. “Because I’m psychic.”
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Ninomiya Kazunari; Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho; other assorted cameos
Summary: Nino is a fake psychic detective, working with his stuffy sidekick and BFF Sho to solve mysteries. One day, an idol in fabulous sunglasses comes in - just who is abducting boys from his entertainment agency? Nino’s on the case!
Notes/Warnings: Obviously this was me. Written for that ho katmillia for je_holiday 2009! Borrowed from the TV shows Psych and a bit of Flight of the Conchords.
He stared at the game over screen in disbelief. Nino thought he’d timed the jump perfectly, just like everything else he’d done in this level - how the hell had he missed the platform?
He flung the controller across the room in disgust. It was clearly a glitch of the system. He was saved from having to get up to retrieve the controller when the door opened, and Sho came in with a frown as he nearly tripped over it.
Sho set down his briefcase on his desk and picked up the controller. “Tell me you didn’t spend the whole night in here playing that.”
“Well, I did run out to get some energy drinks,” he admitted, drawing Sho’s attention to the pile of empty cans left behind on the floor beside him.
Sakurai looked ready to burst a blood vessel, neat freak that he tended to be. Sho just scowled at him as he tossed the controller back in Nino’s hands, cleaning up the mess before he had a seizure. “It’s eight in the morning, and I have an important meeting in half an hour.”
“So go catch your train,” Nino grumbled. “Heaven forbid your more awesome job take you away from your boring one.”
Sho was busy dividing Nino’s trash into recyclable and not. “My job isn’t boring. We’re releasing the new medication for restless legs syndrome next week. Roll-out’s an important time for me.”
“That’s not a disease.”
“It is,” Sho assured him.
Nino didn’t exactly know why he and Sakurai Sho had ever become friends. Sure, they’d gone to junior high and high school together, but Nino’s educational aspirations had ended pretty decisively while Sho went on to university. Now Sho worked as a pharmaceutical sales rep for some big name company, and Nino had had his share of crappy jobs.
But he’d found the perfect niche now. No need to work in a retail shop or in manual labor - not when years of gaming had heightened his perception and attention to detail. By some stroke of luck, he helped solve a case for the Tokyo Metropolitan Police - and because he’d been in a particularly snotty mood that day, he’d claimed to be psychic. He hadn’t expected them to take him seriously.
So now, here in their small but cozy offices in Akihabara, he operated a psychic detective agency. It was a pretty sweet deal. The money they made from the police and private clients paid for the office space - and for snacks and games. What more did a man need?
Nino wasn’t much for dressing fancy or waking before noon, so having Sho around in his suits with his university-educated demeanor added an air of legitimacy to the whole operation. The psychic and the businessman - it had all worked so far. And having the whole “psychic thing” as a part-time job gave Sho something to complain about, and Nino knew that deep down, Sho just liked bitching about things.
So long as the cops never found out that Nino’s psychic abilities were…exaggerated, to say the least.
Sho was digging candy wrappers out of the aluminum recycling, grumbling under his breath as he moved it to the paper recycling. “I swear, Ninomiya, you would be living under a bridge if it wasn’t for me.”
Sakurai also had a bit of a martyr complex. But bless his heart, he was fun to go out with for drunken karaoke, and he always paid. “We’ll get a new case soon. These things take time.” He reset the X-Box and settled in for another marathon session.
Oddly enough, their new case came just as Sho was heading out the door. Officer Ohno waved as he came into the office. “It smells like shrimp in the hallway,” he noted, setting down his policeman’s cap where Sho’s briefcase had just rested.
“Fill me in on the details later. I’m…”
“Going to be late. We know. We all know. Just go!” Nino complained, gesturing for the policeman to grab him another CC Lemon from the mini fridge. Sho left in a huff, and Nino was glad that his more laid-back friend was visiting.
Their detective offices were on the fourth floor of the building, and the local police box was on the ground floor. Ohno liked to pay visits during his breaks, and he usually fed them quite a few leads - cases the police had no time for…or no interest in pursuing. He stretched, usually calm features looking rather disgruntled. Well, at least for him.
“What’s wrong?” Nino asked.
“People were asking for directions.”
He snorted. “Isn’t it your job to help them?”
Ohno shrugged. “They were speaking Italian or something. I just said I was on a break.”
Well, it was good to know that Japan was protected by men like Officer Ohno, and that the country was making a good impression on visiting foreigners.
He handed Ohno a second controller. He wasn’t the best partner for multiplayer, but he was better than Sho at least. “Okay,” Nino said once he was looking across the battlefield through the scope of his sniper rifle. “Got any cases for us?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. Well, I think so.”
“Hmm?” Nino wondered, taking aim at the red team. He’d get their flag in eight minutes, twenty-four seconds if he’d planned it correctly.
“Whoa,” Ohno mumbled as Nino saw the small explosion. “Didn’t know I had the missile launcher equipped. But anyway, this guy’s been going from station to station, demanding someone investigate missing persons. Nobody’s biting.”
“Missing and nobody reported them gone?”
“You got it,” Ohno replied. “So what can the police do if nobody misses them?”
Nino moved to avoid some more of Ohno’s friendly fire and stealthily headed for the other team’s weakest side. “Send in the psychic, right?”
“Right.”
Four and a half minutes left until he could get the flag. “Is he willing to pay?”
Ohno nodded, wincing as a frag mine blew up in his face, taking away half his hit points as he tried to follow after Nino. “I’m sure he could. He has to have money.”
Nino was intrigued. “Famous?”
“That’s what my guy down at headquarters said.”
A famous client. Not only would they be rolling in money when they solved the case, but there’d be publicity for the agency. Publicity for himself. Ninomiya Kazunari - Psychic Detective.
“Get him in here,” Nino said, getting ready for some headshots from the safety of his current position.
The thought of a high-profile case, of the money it would bring, well it was enough to bring a smile to Nino’s face - he didn’t even let Ohno accidentally hitting him with a Molotov cocktail (“Sorry!”) ruin his good mood. So who could the client be?
--
Sho was just getting back from work when their client arrived. “Did I just see who I think I saw on the way up here?” Sho asked, eyes wide as Nino was fiddling with a calculator, wondering how much they could charge the guy.
“I don’t know,” Nino replied. “Who did you see?”
But they were interrupted by the knock on the door, and Nino got to his feet, watching Sho sit down in the chair at his own desk, gripping the armrests. He opened the door, seeing the guy for the first time.
He had on sunglasses (despite it being very much night time outside) and a baseball cap to stay incognito - but wearing designer clothes around Akiba probably hadn’t served as much of a deterrent. “Come on in,” Nino said, waving Mr. Famous into the office.
Sho was ready to wet himself as the guy undid his scarf and took off his sunglasses. “You the psychic guys?”
“I’m the one who communes with the great beyond,” Nino interrupted immediately. “Ninomiya Kazunari. That’s my associate, Sakurai Sho. You must be…?”
He arched one of his eyebrows, as if Nino’s lack of recognition had personally offended him. “I’m Matsumoto Jun.”
And Sho was out of his seat and offering his hand. “I’m a long-time fan, Mr. Matsumoto. I have all your CDs. I feel a little odd joining the fan club, but really, I am such a fan.”
Oh, this was embarrassing. Now Nino kind of recognized him - he was one of those guys who got paid to take pictures for horny teenage girls’ walls and sing really horrible pop music. Sho probably had posters of the guy in his closet - the same closet Sho would probably hide in until he was evicted from the premises. Nino would stick with his Chrono Trigger soundtrack and the occasional hentai dvd.
Matsumoto granted Sho a smile that kind of gave Nino the creeps, but then again, he wasn’t the fanboy here. “Thank you, really.” He and Sho were still shaking hands.
“Okay,” Nino barged in, getting down to business before his friend started dry humping the idol’s leg. “Officer Ohno from the Tokyo Police, a personal friend to Sho and myself, says you’ve got some missing persons thing?”
Matsumoto looked serious, finally releasing Sho’s hand. “It’s something going on at my agency, you know, at Joey’s. The younger boys, well they all live in a dorm. And I swear to you, Mr. Ninomiya…”
“Yeah, Nino’s fine.”
Jun clearly did not like being interrupted by some random psychic nerd in Akihabara, that much was obvious from his grumpy face. “I swear to you, Nino, there are boys who join the agency and they vanish. Their parents never report them missing, because hey, aren’t they supposed to be in the dorm?”
“What’s the agency doing about this?” Sho asked, finally (FINALLY!) returning to his serious salaryman form instead of squealing girl mode.
Matsumoto sighed. “Nothing. I’m not really supposed to talk about this with anyone. Contract and all, but I think the reason nobody’s doing anything is because it’s someone within the agency.”
“Someone with a predilection for young boys,” Nino grumbled, feeling the creepy increase. This wasn’t going to be a pleasant case. The one with the maid café stalker had at least had you know, maids. Instead of pedophiles or killers or killer pedophiles.
“Or someone with an axe to grind,” Sho pointed out, inching closer to Jun. Nino noticed, but Matsumoto didn’t. This was why Nino was the fake psychic and Matsumoto was the fake entertainer. “Someone who has something against Joey’s. Trying to kill off, kidnap, whatever the new talent.”
Sho went on to explain Joey’s a bit. How many big name stars had been launched, how much money they raked in every year, their well trained army of singing, dancing, back flipping boys. Sounded like a cult to Nino.
Jun seemed pleased that they were taking his concerns seriously. “I’ve been thinking the same thing.” Though Nino was so obviously the psychic, Jun only had eyes for Sho. It was probably the suit. His friend did kind of look like a professional something or other while Nino looked like…well, he looked comfortable.
“Well, I’m sure the life of a superstar is busy, don’t let us keep you,” Nino said, already growing sick of the instant, nauseating attraction happening under his nose. “We’ll take your case. Can we meet up with you to negotiate fees?”
“Of course, there’s no need to pay us,” Sho blurted out, and Nino stomped on his foot. “Just kidding.”
Nino threw Jun’s scarf at him. He wasn’t feeling particularly accommodating towards clients this evening. “Yeah, I’ll have you come by my manager’s office to work something out.”
This gave Nino a bit of worry. “How do you know it’s not your manager whisking all these boys away?”
Jun just laughed. “Aiba? Aiba wouldn’t hurt a fly. Here’s my number,” he handed over a card, and Nino took it before Sho got a chance. “And here’s the address for my manager’s office. Can I expect you around 10 AM?”
“Well, you see, Sakurai here has a regular job and…”
Sho yanked the card out of Nino’s hand. “I can take some time off. It’s not a problem.”
“Restless legs roll-out?” Nino muttered under his breath, but Sho just beamed at his pretty-faced idol.
“It’s not a problem, Mr. Matsumoto, really!” Sho said, and Jun just nodded in gratitude. Nino closed the door after the fluffy haired guy and shook his head at his business partner.
“Can I trust you to stay professional here?” he nagged Sho, getting back to his calculator. If Matsumoto was really famous, Nino could bleed him dry. The newest DS-i model was coming out soon after all.
Sho crossed his arms. “Me? You're asking me this? What about the maids, Nino? And the girl with the dog possessed by a demon? Oh, and the mother and daughter snowmobile enthusiasts?”
“Deflection.”
“I'm not deflecting! I'm saying that you always hit on clients! Always! I'm just trying to...”
Nino chucked the calculator at Sho's head. “Deflection! Seriously, keep your tongue out of the guy's mouth at least until we get paid, alright?”
Sho was quiet. Probably because he was thinking a little too hard about what Nino had just said. This case was going to try his fake psychic patience, that much was already obvious.
-
It became readily apparent that Matsumoto Jun was not the best that the Joey's boy band juggernaut had to offer. What Sho had neglected to mention was the fact that Matsumoto was not a debuted artist. This apparently made a big difference in terms of cash flow - sure, Jun was pretty, but he only made guest appearances on other groups' variety shows, acted occasionally, and all the CDs he'd released? Oh yeah, he'd made them himself and distributed them on a secret mailing list.
And then there was the music on said CDs. Nino liked to get to know his clients - some of them in the Biblical sense. After twenty-six seconds of “Get Naked with Me, Girl, Tonight,” Matsumoto's nasally voice was already driving Nino to drink. Which was not so good at 9 in the morning when en route to a meeting with Matsumoto's manager. He'd already gotten nightmares after watching streaming video of Jun's drama appearances the night before.
His last acting work had been in something that aired at 2:00 AM four years ago called Bobo-chan's Magical Friendship Bus. Jun had guest starred in a possum costume - for five minutes. He was not a very convincing possum - as far as Nino knew, most possums did not wiggle their hips like an intoxicated drag queen.
Sho was driving, putting on “Get Naked with Me, Girl, Tonight” for about the fifth time. Nino wondered if he'd make more money selling plasma than from someone who wasn't really worth idolizing. “We have to get into Joey's,” Sho said, fiddling with the bass settings for his car stereo.
“I heard it's harder to get in there than into the Imperial Palace. We'll have to use your boyfriend to get us in there.”
Sho blushed, and Nino was one minute closer to bailing from the car completely and letting the pavement do its worst. They made it through traffic to the office in Shibuya. Sadly enough, the building was just as pathetic as Matsumoto's idol career. Aiba Masaki shared office space on the same floor as an exterminator, a telemarketing company, and a small-time pornography studio. Because really, what else could Come On My Face Studios be?
Jun was already there in a different hat and a different pair of sunglasses, and he and Sho shared another creepy handshake. Nino almost needed a cigarette just for having to watch. “Good morning, Mr. Matsumoto. I trust we'll be working out a plan?” he asked, and Jun let go of Sho's hand.
“Come on in.”
They entered the small office. It was sparsely appointed with the man's desk, framed photographs on the wall of other idols he managed, and several meticulously constructed Lego creations. Nino was especially impressed with the Lego Gundam proudly displayed on Aiba's desk, but there was little time to geek out.
Aiba was dressed like a guy who wanted to dress like a yakuza but didn't exactly know how to - he had on a pinstriped suit and a ruffled green shirt. His perm was about 20 kinds of ridiculous. He had lots of (fake) gold around his neck and on his fingers as he shook Nino and Sho's hands. “Good morning, good morning, welcome, welcome!”
Jun perched himself on Aiba's desk while he and Sho took a seat in the strange smelling leather chairs in front of the desk. Aiba didn't appear to have a computer - in fact, he only had a cell phone and a notepad on his desk. This was a sad operation.
Aiba took out a pen and started scribbling. “Okay. Matsujun!”
“Here.”
Wait, was this guy taking roll? There were only four people here!
“Ninomiya Kazunari.”
“Uh, Nino.”
Aiba looked up with a disapproving look. “Ninomiya Kazunari?”
Sho elbowed him, and Nino sighed. “Here.”
Aiba perked up considerably and moved down his list. “Sakuradon Sho?”
Sho leaned forward, pulling a pen from his pocket. “Sakurai. This is read as Sakurai. Oh, and here.”
The manager worked to correct his kanji, leaving the other three in an awkward silence as he erased and started rewriting it. One agonizing minute later, Aiba finally moved on. “And Aiba Masaki. Present!” Jun didn't seem to find any of this strange or irritating. “Okay! Looks like everyone's here!”
Nino was starting to understand why Matsumoto Jun wasn't the most successful idol in Joey's. Jun went on to explain to his manager why he'd called in a psychic detective.
“A psychic huh?” Aiba asked, wide eyed. “Can you read my mind? Please don't!”
Nino fidgeted. The walls were pretty thin, and it was readily apparent that Come on My Face Studios was right next door. “Uh, well I don't really read minds. The spirits tell me things.”
“That's pretty nice. My Aunt Kumiko used to be able to talk to squirrels. Horny little bastards, too,” Aiba pointed out.
Another awkward silence fell over the pathetic office until Sho put his college-level elocution to work and took out his PDA and started to take notes. “We're mostly here to figure out how to get into Joey's and determine who is abducting these juniors. Mr. Aiba, Jun, you both know the organization better than Nino and myself. Do you have a plan of action?”
Now Sho was being impressive. It was far preferable to him drooling at the sight of Matsumoto's Dolce and Gabbana underpants poking out over the top of his jeans.
“Client conference!” Aiba announced. “Um, could you turn around for a sec?”
Nino bit back a laugh while Aiba and Jun had a miniature pow-wow complete with whispering and exaggerated hand gestures. He and Sho politely looked aside while they discussed their strategy. Whatever made Nino money in the end, he figured.
Aiba cracked his knuckles, cheap rings gleaming under the fluorescent lighting. “Nino, can you sing?”
Pfft, of course he could. “Well, the spirits have blessed me in that regard, sure.”
Jun seemed pleased. “Dance? Can you dance?”
He didn't really get the line of questioning, but any chance to show off couldn't hurt. “I regularly break DDR machines with my skills, yes.”
Aiba and Jun exchanged eager glances while beside him, Sho was starting to look nervous.
The manager beamed. “And since you're sixteen, you're perfect!”
“Wait, what?”
Aiba cocked his head to the side. “You're about sixteen, aren't you? That's what Jun told me.”
He narrowed his eyes. “I'm twenty-six.”
Jun looked extremely embarrassed then, even the tips of his ears turning scarlet. “I...but you look...”
Okay, this could not possibly be worth what they were going to end up paying him. Sure, Nino looked young for his age. But he sure as hell did not look like a high schooler! He was a living, breathing, hot-blooded twenty-something male at his physical peak!
“I'm twenty-six! Twenty. Six. Twenty. Freaking. Six!”
Sho put a hand on his shoulder to calm him. It wasn't working. “Nino, they didn't mean to offend you...”
“Twenty-six, damn it!”
“Let's just hear them out, okay?” Sho turned to Jun and Aiba hopefully. “Why does it matter if he can sing and dance and looks sixteen anyhow?”
Jun and Aiba just exchanged a grin.
-
He felt like an idiot.
“We just put you as 1993 instead of 1983,” Jun was explaining as he handed him the balled up pair of socks. “Here, shove this down your pants to enhance your junk.”
Nino took the socks with a scowl. His junk required no enhancement. Aiba had connections in the Joey's costume closet. Nino was standing here in the hallway of the agency in an ill-fitting (read: intentionally tight in all the right places) high school uniform longing for the angel of death to come claim him.
The best way to get into the agency was to literally get into the agency. There was an audition that afternoon, and the pretty-eyelashed Matsumoto Jun himself had vouched for Nino's application. Jun and Aiba both had assured him that the leader of Joey's, Kiwagata Joey himself, chose which boys got in - there was no real background checking. Once Nino got into Joey's, he could get close to the different senpai running around - he could figure out who was the boy snatcher. The only cost was his dignity, of course.
Sho was trying and failing to hold in his laughs. “I'm sorry, you look horrible.”
“Shut your mouth.”
Sakurai, his tentative manager, handed him the schoolbag. “You show real initiative turning in your application on your own. You know, not having your mommy send it.”
“I swear to god, Sho, if I wasn't about to sing and dance my ass off I would put my foot so far up your...”
A rather stern looking woman emerged from the audition room with a clipboard. “Ninomiya Kazunari?”
He made his voice crack a bit when he turned on his billion yen smile. It was better than Matsumoto's. It was downright angelic. “That's me!”
Sho gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Knock 'em dead, tiger. You'll be doing photo shoots with your toothbrush in no time.”
He hid his rude gesture for Sho behind his back as he followed the woman, Jun and Aiba into the audition room. It was eerily quiet and strangely dark. In the far corner of the room, there was a carved wooden chair and an old wrinkly man seated within. His features were mostly hidden by the darkness, but Jun had said that Joey sat in on all auditions. Nino was already pretty convinced that this dude was the kid toucher, but these cases always tended to throw him curve balls. If he wasn't THE kid toucher, he was probably A kid toucher.
Jun and Aiba took seats at another table with other agency folks, although their opinions didn't matter. Joey made all the decisions.
“Good morning. My name is Ninomiya Kazunari. I love baseball and making girls smile.”
He could already see Aiba's thumbs up. He really should not have let Jun's manager write his lines for him, but he charged an extra 300 yen an hour for the privilege.
Joey remained silent in the shadows. Maybe he was dead, Nino couldn't tell. But the others at Jun and Aiba's table seemed awestruck. He even heard a muffled “Oh, he's a cutie! He can't be sixteen already!” from someone and did his utmost to keep his idol smile on. He was twenty-six. Damn it.
“I'll be auditioning with uh...” Aiba was nodding, Jun was nodding, and Nino wanted to adjust the socks down his pants. “Matsumoto Jun's Get Naked with Me, Girl, Tonight.”
-
“You were amazing, Nino!” Aiba was saying, alcohol making him even friendlier and touchier. Nino had already determined that Aiba was innocent. He was too...strange to have an elaborate boy-napping operation going on. He had trouble getting food in his mouth half of the time.
They were out celebrating Nino's fantastic Joey's audition - the man himself had actually gotten out of the chair to applaud after Nino had sang and danced. He'd missed a few steps, but apparently his cuteness had brought a tear to the creepy old man's eye. Nino would be the newest Joey's Junior starting tomorrow, so long as he got his mom to sign the permission slip.
Sho and Jun could only be described as canoodling, so Nino just focused on drinking as much alcohol as possible since he'd be moving into the Joey's dorms. No drinking, no girls. Just boot camp during the day, interrogating and investigating as much as possible by night. Jun had a suspect list, but he was too well known in the agency to go poking around. And besides, he was filming a commercial for teeth whitening strips (thanks to Aiba) the next few days and had little time to figure out who was getting friendly with his juniors.
“The spirits were with me at the audition. I sensed that Joey wanted me to slip up on the whole kick thing.” Jun, his choreographer, had insisted he do a ridiculous kick at the end of the routine - Nino had strained something or other since he was twenty-six and lazy, not sixteen and made of rubber. He'd just have to ice up that night before he did any more dancing.
Jun broke away from whispering sweet nothings in Sho's ear. “You've made it this far, Nino, but don't get cocky. It's a cutthroat industry. Think Crows Zero meets Battle Royale.”
“Meets West Side Story,” Nino grumbled into his rum and coke. “By way of the Sanrio Store.”
He could take these punks. He'd beat them at their own game. It wasn't exactly difficult to carry a tune and wiggle his booty. He wondered what all the fuss was about, given the talent level he'd seen wandering around after the audition. One of the other juniors had walked into a glass door six times before realizing it wasn't an automatic one.
“Do you need me tomorrow?” Sho asked him, face twisting into a really creepy smile since Jun was obviously touching him...somewhere under the table.
His “manager” was already ditching him on his first day? What a joke. Sho was definitely not getting his usual forty percent (Nino got the bigger percentage for being the psychic after all) when this case was over - not that he'd mind. He was going to get to sing sweet melodies in the bedroom all night long with his nasally idol. The thought made Nino reach for his drink again while Aiba was trying to get a girl in the next booth to take her top off “for the good of the country.”
He could sense murder in the future - whether it was someone killing the boys at Joey's or Nino himself killing his table companions remained to be seen.
-
Takizawa clapped his hands again. “Five, six, seven, eight! Keep up or go home, okay?”
Nino was sweating buckets, having flailed his limbs about while lip synching to god awful atrocious bubblegum pop for four hours. The routines weren't so hard to memorize. He'd even managed to do a backflip. The lack of breaks and the other club footed drones running into him during the routine were the hard parts.
He wasn't any closer to finding suspects. Jun's main suspect was a guy who wasn't even in the agency any longer - something Jun had neglected to tell him until he was dragging Sho into a limo by his tie at 2:00 AM the night before. Nino was just glad Sho hadn't drunk dialed him later to proclaim that he'd finally gotten laid after his year long drought.
They ran through the number again, one of the quicker songs by one of the senpai groups in Joey's until one of the other juniors collapsed from exhaustion. “Alright, alright,” Takizawa said. “Let's take five.”
Well, now was his chance. Takizawa Hideaki had been in the company as long as Jun had, and he helped with choreography when he wasn't busy being Joey's right hand guy. If Nino could get close to Takizawa, he could get close to Joey and figure out if the old man was the perv in question. He slung his towel over his shoulder, grabbed his water bottle and trotted over to where Tackey was switching music in the tape deck.
“I'm Nino. I'm new.”
Tackey turned around and smiled politely. “Nice to meet you.” Nino had never seen a man sweat so...perfectly. It made him look better if that was possible. No wonder he was so close to Joey. He also had on expensive sneakers, and although he'd led the dancing with little trouble, he was favoring his right leg. It was the little things that tended to tell Nino all he needed. The guy wasn’t getting any younger - dancing like this got tough the older you got.
“I was wondering, senpai...” Nino was probably the same age as this pretty boy, and twice the man, if his Xbox Live gamer score was any measure of manliness. “How do you get to talk to Joey? I wanted to thank him for selecting me at the audition.”
Tackey laughed. “Oh, he's always around. You can smell him coming - he has this cream he uses for his sciatica.”
He wondered if Sho's pharmaceutical company sold that cream. Maybe if he got a stock of it, he could get in to see Joey, no problem. “Do I need an appointment or something though?”
His senpai seemed a little weirded out by Nino's line of questioning, but it wasn't anything stranger than the one kid asking earlier if Tackey would autograph his jock strap. “I could...talk to him. If you really wanted me to, you know, if you really want to uh, thank him?”
Oh no. No no no no no, this was not what he was saying. But...
Nino looked down and tried to look innocent. “Sure, that would be great. Thanks.”
Tackey just nodded and got the music prepped. “Okay, everyone! Back to your starting spots!”
Nino was in; he was so in.
-
With the pretense of his mom signing him out for the weekend (and damn if Sho wasn't convincing in a housewife coat and pearls), Nino was on to the number one suspect on Jun's list. Jun and Aiba were known faces to this guy, so he was out with Ohno. Satoshi really just enjoyed getting out clubbing once in a while - for all that he just looked like your average sleepy cop, Ohno could bust a move. The guy could have had a real future in Joey's.
Not that Nino had much respect for Joey's after completing his first week of idol boot camp. He'd been poked and prodded and that was just the inaugural pillow fight in the dorm. These kids were really socially retarded. Just plain weird all around - but he supposed that when one's life revolved around photo shoots, singing off-key and clomping around in oversized boots (or roller skates - what was up with THOSE kids?), social skills tended to fly out the window.
“So what's our perp look like?” Ohno asked. He looked like a thug with a backwards baseball cap and oversized jeans - perfect for this club here in Roppongi. They'd already passed a few drunken Americans who'd pointed and said “Wasn't he in Tokyo Drift?”
Nino smacked him. “Don't call him a perp. We don't know if he's our guy.”
He was pretty easy to find, seeing as how he'd been halfway famous for a few years. Akanishi Jin, the former Joey's “bad boy” had been kicked out of the agency. Officially, it had been for posting his picture online, breaking agency policy; unofficially, he'd been cut for apathy. He'd been more interested in getting his drink on than learning choreography or giving more than one-word answers for the latest Wink Up. Was getting fired enough to drive the guy crazy though?
That was a little hard to believe when he had his tongue down some sleazy girl's throat while he fondled another at the table in the corner of the club. Ohno seemed rather impressed with the guy. “He's got skills,” Satoshi admitted. “I'll get some drinks since you always get carded.”
Ohno was gone before Nino could offer an angry retort. He approached, trying to get Jin's attention over the latest Korean pop song about wanting to grope the one you love. The guy removed his mouth from where it had been vacuum sealed to the girl's.
“Are you Akanishi?”
The guy was beyond drunk. “What?”
He shouted to be heard. “Are you Akanishi Jin, the best there ever was?”
That got his attention. He pushed the girl away and patted the booth seat next to him. Nino wondered if diseases of a sexual nature could seep from a plastic booth and through the fabric of his jeans. He hoped not as he sat down beside Jin and introduced himself.
“You old enough to be in here?” Jin asked him, spilling his drink on the other girl's dress, sending her off in a huff.
Why did everyone think he looked underage? He couldn't trust Jin not to report him to the agency, so he just smiled his most pedo bait smile. “I have a fake ID. I'm new to the agency. I really look up to you and was hoping I could get some advice about how to deal with all the idiots there.”
This was definitely up Jin's alley - it wasn't a fawning fan, no...Nino was turning on the charm and seeking advice from a senpai. Jin put his arm around him heavily, slurring. “They're all assholes there, man. Don't let you take a piss without someone holding your dick for you.”
Jin certainly had a way with words.
“Do you hate Joey's?”
“Hate?” Jin wondered, tapping his foot to the music. Ohno approached then with their drinks and one for Jin. Akanishi didn't even care who Ohno was since the policeman had brought him a Jack and coke. “Nah, I don't hate them. Best thing that ever happened to me. I do what I want, when I want now. And I don't have to dance like an idiot. I write my own damn music.”
Why would Matsumoto have pinned all his hopes on Akanishi? Clearly the guy was partying every night and getting laid - he didn't seem to miss the agency at all. And if he was happier, why bother breaking back in and snatching kids? Too much effort.
It was a dead end, and now Akanishi was begging him to go back to his place to shoot a beer bong. Much as Nino wanted to, Akanishi was a dead end - he didn't need to bust out his Ouija board to figure that out. He scribbled down a fake number and handed it to Jin.
“I've got homework. But we'll totally have to do this again.”
Jin gave him a high five. “I'll get you and your friend some tail, you guys are cool.”
Ohno seemed pleased by this prospect, and Nino had to drag the policeman away.
“You don't want the girls he knows,” he told Ohno as they headed for the exit.
As they rode back in the cab, Ohno dozing on his shoulder and murmuring about Tokyo Drift, a strange realization hit Nino. Tracking down Akanishi got Nino out of the agency dorms - as soon as he returned, the jock strap kid was gone and everyone was denying that he'd ever been there. Nobody knew who the hell jock strap kid was.
Things were just as serious as Jun had implied. But Nino had been out of the danger zone. In fact, jock strap kid had disappeared just as Nino had gotten “signed out” for the weekend. This...this didn't sit well. It was like they waited for Nino to be out of the way.
He had to talk to Sho. He had to talk to Sho right now.
-
“You smell like an ashtray,” Sho grumbled as they met up at the office in Akihabara. Nino had to look away from his woefully neglected gaming systems. He'd just cry otherwise.
“I was out at a club in Roppongi getting acquainted with one Akanishi Jin.”
Sho perked up a bit. He'd been working serious overtime to make up for the first few days when he'd taken off to become Matsumoto Jun's new best bed friend. “And? Is it him?”
“Oh hell no,” Nino said, narrowing his eyes. “Tell me something, Sho. Where's Jun?”
Sho was confused. “Uh, at home? I think? I don't have his schedule memorized.”
Nino grabbed at his friend, and despite Sho trying to bat away his hands, Sho always hit like a girl and was not as quick as Nino. He got Sho's PDA out of his inside pocket and turned it on. There was already a file open - Matsumoto Jun Schedule.
“So creepy, Sho. Seriously creepy,” Nino murmured as he clicked through an hour by hour schedule of what Sho's beloved was up to. Sho had even blocked out some parts of the calendar, mostly at night, with red hearts - Nino had one guess for what that meant, and the visuals made him want to get a lobotomy immediately. But the part that lined up with that evening was as suspicious as Nino had suspected.
He turned around the little view screen for Sho to see. “Alright Sakurai, tell me what the 7pm to midnight block here says.”
Sho looked more than a little mortified. “It says Jun goes to animal hospital to sing to sick iguanas.”
“For five hours, Sho?”
“Maybe there's a lot of iguanas.”
“Or maybe Jun's bullshitting you. Did he say himself that's where he's going?”
Sho was immediately furious. “Wait a minute, just wait one damn minute. You aren't suspecting Jun, are you? He came to us for help!”
Nino tossed the PDA back and crossed his arms. “A little convenient that one of his beloved little juniors vanished the minute I left the dorm for the weekend, no?”
Sakurai wasn't hearing any of it. He was close to plugging his ears with his fingers like he'd done in junior high when he was grumpy about something ridiculous. “No, I don't believe it. Jun wants these kids to be saved!”
“He wants to save them himself, Sho, don't you get it?” Nino pleaded as so many puzzle pieces fell into place. He thought about the sad state of Aiba's office, about horrible CDs distributed by mailing list, and about how popular Akanishi was despite having left the agency. Matsumoto Jun had been an undebuted idol for a decade - that would drive anyone a little nutty. “He probably wants to miraculously 'find' these kids and be a hero. You're his biggest fan, and he's latched on to you, Sho. Isn't that a little strange?”
Sho looked near tears. “You think it's strange that someone would be interested in me?”
Oh god. “No, that's not what I'm...don't you dare cry like a girl, Sakurai, I'm not listening. Seriously though, he's getting close to you to throw you off the trail. I bet he's got those boys hidden somewhere until it makes sense to bring them out and get all the publicity he's always wanted. You saw the possum thing right? This guy has to be disgruntled!”
“I think you've been getting a little too into the idol thing yourself, Nino,” Sho said angrily, shaking in his boring salaryman suit. “Don't think I haven't been keeping up with your blog. 'Dear Internet, I totally memorized the new choreography faster than that fifteen year old mouth breather from Kansai. I am the best thing to happen to this agency'. Yeah, so don't go accusing Jun just because you'd rather sing pop songs and back dance for TUN-KAT than find the real culprit here.”
How dare he. How DARE he. And yeah, he had memorized it faster, but whatever. “Matsumoto's the guy. I don't care how much cuddling he does with you, he's probably got innocent kids locked up in a freezer. I'm going back to the agency - are you with me or against me?”
Sho still looked ready to soil himself at the thought of having bedded their new main suspect. “I'm with you. But that's only because you don't have a car of your own and you're too cheap to recharge your train pass.”
Nino shrugged. “Noted.”
-
Sho had been in Matsumoto's apartment - the less Nino thought about that, the better. He wasn't stashing the kids there. Jun didn't exactly have money, and Aiba would probably have gotten suspicious if Jun had wanted to stash teen boys at his office. Obviously the manager wasn't involved.
They had to be somewhere in the agency dorms - the sprawling complex was something out of a manga. Or out of Metal Gear Solid. Lots of shadowy corridors - plenty of places to stash kids. They were all kind of slow, Nino realized, so tricking them into a random closet wouldn't have been that difficult, especially for someone of Matsumoto's fame within Joey's.
Hell, maybe Matsumoto was trading boys to Joey in exchange for a better gig. Maybe Joey had a get 10 boys, get debuted sale going on this week - either way, Jun probably wanted the publicity that the whole scandal would bring him. Akanishi's failure to follow the rules and subsequent success probably pissed off the hard-working Mr. Gucci Sunglasses something fierce.
“I still don't see why I'm in the mom outfit,” Sho complained, tugging on his wig. “I'm your manager in this stupid scheme too.”
“Nobody's mom is suspicious,” Nino reassured him, lying through his teeth. He just wanted to let Sho experience a little pain after all he'd had to endure these past few weeks. Plus, he looked kind of good in heels - he had great legs.
“If Jun sees me in this get-up...”
“Can we focus, Sho? Think about restless legs syndrome or overactive bladder or some other meds you shill, would you?”
Sho quieted down, and the only sound was Sho's mom heels clicking on the linoleum as they crept around after curfew. They rounded a corner and that's when they heard the shout.
“Help!”
Nino and Sho froze, Sho bumping into Nino's back - his fake breasts were too creepily real and he sidestepped a bit. “Jun's probably there right now.”
“Stop saying it like it's so damn certain,” Sho protested, finally ditching the heels. They'd run faster without them.
They hurried off towards the sound of the shouting. They managed to find a closet at the bottom of a stairwell, pulling the door open to find another door and another until finally, there was a small room with a boy inside. It was jock strap boy, blindfolded and sitting on the floor. His kidnapper had been kind enough to provide him with a sandwich and an apple, still uneaten.
“Is someone there?”
Nino knelt down, pulling off the blindfold. Jock Strap kid looked thrilled. “Nino! Thank god! I thought I was done for!”
Sho crouched down too, and Jock Strap was rather horrified. “What the...”
“It's my mom.” Sho pulled off the wig in protest, and Jock Strap's eyes were like saucers. “Okay, scratch that. Not my mom. My manager.”
“Nice to meet you,” Sho said, reaching for the ropes binding the kid's ankles.
“Who did this to you?” Nino was asking when a shadow appeared in the doorway. He whirled around, wishing he'd had a weapon or something. “You!”
Jun was standing in the doorway looking furious. Sho and Nino both got to their feet, Sho looking rather ashamed. “What the hell is going on here?”
Nino put his hand to his forehead, leaning on Sho for support. “I'm getting some serious psychic vibes that you failed to entertain the iguanas.”
“Cut the crap, Ninomiya...” It was then that Jun noticed Sho. “Sho, why are you in a dress?”
“I'm...well...”
“Oh never mind,” Jun complained, stepping forward. Nino moved to stand in front of Jock Strap with as protective a pose as he could do. “Did you find the others?”
“The others you stashed in closets, Jun?” Nino asked.
Jun blinked. “Wait...what?”
It was then that Nino smelled it. It had been a while since he'd been to a zoo, but he'd worked in a pet shop for a grand total of three weeks trying to save up for a Dragon Quest game. Iguana poop. Jun was innocent.
Sho turned to Nino, looking just as furious as Jun. “I...I think the spirits are a little wonky tonight. They uh...there's really bad reception from the beyond in here. I was mistaken.”
“Told you so,” Sho complained.
“You defended me?” Jun asked sweetly, and he and Sho stared into each other's eyes, blah blah. There was still a creeper out there. He turned back to the quickly ignored Jock Strap kid.
“Do you know where the others are stashed?”
The kid shrugged. “I heard some scratching on the other side of the wall.”
“I'll forgive you trying to accuse me of being a pedophile if we work together, alright?” Jun offered, eyes darting to Sho's tight little butt in the dress every few disgusting seconds.
They went up and down the hall, knocking on doors in hopes of finding the others. Now that they had one boy, they'd find the others. He sent a quick text to Ohno on his phone, so hopefully the police would arrive in time for Nino's big psychic revelation. Things were starting to make sense.
Okay, so they'd made sense earlier when he could have sworn it was Jun, but now that it WASN'T Jun it was really freaking obvious. Oh well.
They found one boy, then another, then another. “Who did this to you?” Jun asked, pulling the blindfold off one of the kids. “Who put you here?”
“I don't know, but I kicked that bastard,” the one kid said, and Nino nearly did a backflip in happiness. He'd cracked this case, he was going to get paid, and he wouldn't have to sing any more pop music as soon as they found their culprit and Ohno got his arrest.
They gathered all the boys together, heading for the exit where the police would be waiting to get their statements, and just like clockwork, the villain of the week showed his pretty face.
Of course, like most villains of the week, he had a gun which he immediately trained on Jun when their ragtag group arrived in the Joey's lobby. Still favoring that right leg, but it seemed that only Nino had picked up on that, hadn't he? They all put their hands up and waited for the police to charge through the door.
Jun looked heartbroken, which was understandable. They'd probably been friends at some point. “Tackey...Tackey, what's going on?”
Takizawa in his fancy sneakers. Joey's right hand man - he probably knew the agency hiding spots like the back of his hand. Nino didn't need to get to Tackey to get close to Joey - it had been Tackey all along.
“Should have known you'd try to get involved, Matsumoto. You always were a suck-up.” He waggled his fingers at Jun as soon as they all heard the police cars pulling up outside the agency building. “Get over here, I need a hostage.”
“Jun, don't,” Sho protested, but Matsumoto was braver than Nino had given him credit for. He wasn't a good singer and not the best actor, but at least he put in 100%, which was more than Nino could say for himself most of the time. Jun stepped over, allowing Takizawa to hold the gun to his temple.
Ohno, several police and Kiwagata Joey himself came in moments later. Joey was in his pajamas, and he really did smell like some pharmaceutical cream that Sho carried around in his case.
“Tackey, what is going on?” the old man sputtered before turning to Nino and the other juniors. “And you! You're all sneaking around after hours! I'll have you for breach of contract!”
The police didn't make a move, and Tackey just tightened his grip on Matsumoto. Well, Nino guessed it was about time to work his magic.
“Oh!” he cried out, half collapsing against Sho before flinging himself onto the floor for a nice bout of spasms, fake psychic style. “Oh no!”
“Me?” Ohno asked, scratching at his head with part of his handcuffs.
“Oh NO!” Nino shouted, still convulsing. Tackey looked seriously worried, while Sho sighed one of his usual long suffering sighs.
“Looks like the spirits are talking to Ninomiya!” Sho said in a dramatic voice, finally earning his money. “Maybe we should listen!”
The police, Joey and even Tackey stayed quiet while Nino stopped flailing about, instead grabbing hold of his leg. “A kick! A well-placed kick!” He looked up at Tackey and narrowed his eyes. “I can see you, Takizawa.”
“He can see you,” Sho repeated. Tackey was getting scared.
Nino tried to roll his eyes back in his head. “I see...I see Joey doesn't pay as much attention to you now. Look at all these cute juniors, just waiting to take your place, right? So I see you...I see you taking them and locking them away!”
“I didn't,” Tackey protested.
“He did!” Jock Strap and his friends cheered behind them. “Nino's psychic!”
They were easily impressed by Nino's simple guess work, but hey, so long as he got paid. “I see you wanting to get all your competition out of the way - but it wasn't easy. One of them hurt you, hurt you bad!”
“Shut up!” Tackey was shouting, still pointing the gun at Jun, who was getting a little annoyed that Nino hadn't psychically gotten him away from the other crazy idol yet.
Joey stepped forward, bunny slippers sliding along the linoleum. “Tackey, is this true? You hurt these boys to get closer to me? You were never going to fall out of my favor!”
Nino ignored the creepy and undeniable WEIRD of that particular situation and rolled over onto his stomach. “The spirits I commune with say that Tackey regrets what he's done. And he won't do it again.” He made sure to meet eyes with the crazy guy - he was trying to at least lower the guy's prison term because kidnapping pretty boys wasn't going to do Tackey too many favors in jail.
Tackey dropped the gun, realizing it was over, and Ohno hurried forward to handcuff him. Joey still looked a bit shell-shocked - well, either that or he had fallen asleep. He was kind of a living fossil. “Well done, Ninomiya,” Jun said gratefully, helping him to his feet. Damn, the guy wore a lot of rings.
“Can I quit the stupid agency now?” he asked, watching the police haul Tackey away, Joey and his handlers shuffling after them (probably to figure out how to keep the press out of everything).
Jun nodded. “Probably a good idea.”
“Don't want to upstage the talent or anything,” he continued.
This time Jun ignored him. “I'll meet with Aiba tomorrow to cut you both a check. Have a good night. And thanks.”
He and Sho watched Jun head off into the night, still wearing sunglasses. And probably still smelling like iguana poop.
-
Sho entered, obviously running late since he had a bagel in between his teeth, a coffee in one hand and his briefcase in the other. Nino could already sense that Sho was on his way in here to complain about something or other - work, Nino's lack of work, something like that.
He didn't bother looking up from his brand new DS-i. “Morning.”
“Mmffmmfhmmfff,” Sho grumbled.
“What's that, boy? The new heart pills got approved?”
Sho set down his briefcase and took the bagel out of his mouth. “Well, yeah.” He sipped his coffee, already looking annoyed at the pile of pop cans and snack wrappers Nino had been building at his feet. “But I just wanted you to know I can’t make it for ramen tonight.”
Nino sighed. “Where’s he taking you this time?” Apparently Jun realized that the quickest way to Sakurai’s heart was through his stomach.
“New steak place in Akasaka,” Sho answered, already salivating. Nino was really kind of grossed out, but still happy for his friend. He figured that if Sho was at least seeing someone, he might be less uptight. Even if the person he was seeing was kind of weird and wore more jewelry than Mr. T.
“Good for you.”
There was a knock at the door. Officer Ohno let himself in and greeted them both. “Morning.”
“Hey Ohno,” Sho said, reaching for his briefcase again. “I have to…”
“Just go,” Nino laughed as Sho hurried out the door and off to work.
“New game huh?” the policeman asked.
“Thanks to our idol friend,” he explained. Jun had been rather generous, but that was made possible by his new position in some group of guys. The boy idol had become a debuted man…idol. Or something. Nino didn’t care much for specifics - he cared more about his bank balance. “Got a case for us?”
Ohno smiled. “How’d you guess?”
Nino tapped his stylus against the DS-i screen with a flourish. “Because I’m psychic.”