It's Always Sunny in TOKIO
Title: It's Always Sunny in TOKIO
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: All of TOKIO with assorted JE cameos.
Summary: “Well, he’s our bandmate. We have to support him, even if he’s a severely demented serial killer.”
Notes/Warnings: For the JE New Year 2010 Anonmeme - they wanted a crossover with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Blatantly stole the plot of an episode and thrust TOKIO into it.
2:03 PM
On a Monday
Tokyo, Japan
Sweet Taichi looked up from the newspaper. “Can you believe it? Another murder at the beach last night.”
Leader was too busy sniffing glue out of a plastic baggie, but Mabo’s interest was definitely piqued. “Another one? Details.”
Taichi scanned the article. “Says the guy was bludgeoned to death with a surfboard.”
“Ouch,” Mabo replied.
Nagase came in waving the stupid gun he always carried. “HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT!”
“Nobody cares, Nagase,” Taichi complained.
Nagase continued anyhow, sticking his pistol back in his track pants. “I finally got one! Oi! Come in here already, would ya?”
Even Leader looked up from his glue briefly as a young man dressed in a maid’s costume entered, standing timidly at Nagase’s side.
Nagase threw his arm around the boy’s shoulder. “This is Chinen. Chinen’s my new bang maid.”
“What’s a bang maid?” Joshima wondered.
“What do you think it means, Leader?” Mabo replied. “Anyhow, about this murderer. Something doesn’t feel right.”
Taichi nodded. “Yeah…it’s like…I read the details about the deaths. All at the beach in a secluded spot, everyone killed by a surfboard.”
“Yeah!” Mabo answered. “Yeah, it’s like we know who the killer is, but we just can’t put our finger on it…”
Gussan slunk into the green room, and the other four exchanged a look.
“Hi guys, can’t stay long, busy day. Haha. Very busy,” Gussan was mumbling, fidgeting nervously. He came and picked up a script for the next 5LDK filming. “Yeah, just getting this. Going home now. Yes. Bye now. Bye!”
Before the others could even greet him, Gussan had already left in a panic.
Mabo’s jaw dropped. Taichi scanned the newspaper article again. “Mabo…you don’t think…”
“I do think…”
Nagase slapped Chinen the bang maid’s ass. “Looks like Gussan’s leading a double life.”
--
GUSSAN IS A SERIAL KILLER
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN TOKIO
--
“We’ve known him for so long,” Taichi sighed as he and Mabo sat in the make-up chairs. “I can’t think he’s capable…”
Mabo shrugged. “Well, sometimes he comes to shoots in clothes he wore the night before. And he’s been rather edgy lately.”
“Well, he’s our bandmate. We have to support him, even if he’s a severely demented serial killer,” Taichi continued. “Maybe…maybe we should try to understand his mindset?”
“I was just thinking that!” Mabo cried. “Like, do a little psychology action. A little criminal profiling.”
Taichi nodded. “Let’s see what Gussan feels. Let’s kill someone.”
Mabo smiled.
--
Leader didn’t know what to do. He and Gussan had been BFF’s for so many years. They’d started TOKIO together - when did Gussan even have time to kill people with a surfboard? It was like he didn’t know his best friend at all.
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t the most subtle. He’d had to break a window to get into Gussan’s house, but maybe Gussan had left some evidence behind. If Joshima was his best friend, then the least he could do was get rid of it so Gussan wouldn’t go to jail. TOKIO had been together for over 15 years, and Gussan hadn’t killed them yet, so he figured he was safe for the time being.
Gussan’s house was pretty clean, and the walls were hung with dozens of surfboards. Nothing looked out of place. He crept around slowly, looking for droplets of blood or a severed head or something that might indicate that Gussan had a thirst for killing.
Just when he spotted the empty spot on the wall, sending him into a frenzied panic, he heard a car door in the driveway. He couldn’t get caught! He already saw Gussan through the window, coming in with a bag of groceries. Crap! He dove out the window he’d come in.
Gussan looked so normal, bringing in his bags from the car. But a surfboard was clearly missing. Joshima was determined - he’d serve as Gussan’s defense attorney. He’d get him cleared of wrongdoing.
--
“You think they have a weapons aisle?” Taichi asked as Mabo pushed the shopping cart through the Don Quijote store.
“Well, they wouldn’t label it 'weapons',” Mabo replied. “How do you want to do this?”
“Well, my guy’s an unemployed gravedigger who wields a shovel. Figure I’d have dirt all over my face and stuff when I commit my crimes, slinking back into the tunnel I’ve dug in the park.”
Taichi had put in a lot of thought here. Mabo wouldn’t be overtaken though. They pushed the cart to the gardening tools aisle so Taichi could get his shovel. Mabo held up the shiny knives he’d gotten from the cutlery aisle.
“Well, I’m a killer genie. You rub my lamp and I pop out. But instead of granting wishes, I stab you in the face!”
Taichi stared at him. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Mabo tossed the knives back in the cart. “At least I won’t be covered in dirt.”
--
“I…don’t think we’ve ever actually been out for a drink before, Joshima-senpai,” Kame mumbled, looking nervously at him.
Probably because he was recording the entire conversation on a twenty year old device. The tape was spooling, and Joshima had a microphone nearly up Kame’s nose. “Ah, Kamenashi-kun, it’s important to socialize with our juniors.” He filled Kame’s glass again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Uh…okay.”
“How often have you gone surfing with Yamaguchi-san?”
Kame moved a bit so the microphone was a bit further away. “I went a few times, why?”
“Did you have a good time?”
“Yes?”
“Did Gussan ever…ask you to go somewhere with him alone?”
Kame was confused. “What?”
“Leading the witness,” Joshima reminded himself. “Striking that from the record.”
“Don’t you think you should rewind the tape then?”
“No,” Joshima assured him, filling the kid’s glass until it was overflowing. “But do you think Gussan could murder someone?”
“What?!”
Joshima frowned. What was going on here? Had Gussan paid Kamenashi off? Had he frightened the boy into silence? Oh Gussan, he thought, what are you thinking?
--
“So even though I don’t have my escape tunnel here,” Taichi said, dragging his shovel in the sand behind him, “I think this should be a good reenactment.”
“Sure.” It was kind of chilly for Mabo in his blue genie pants and open vest, but at least he hadn’t smeared mud on his face like Taichi had. He pulled his knife from the little holster he’d attached to the hip of his genie pants. “Do you think he’ll show?”
“Of course he’ll show. We said Gussan would bring his best board for him to use.”
They peeked over the sand dune to see Matsujun waiting patiently for Gussan to arrive for surfing. Mabo’s mouth started watering - thinking of all the different ways to kill. TO KILL AND-
“So when does the bloodlust kick in?” Taichi asked.
Mabo blinked. “I…uh…”
Taichi looked horrified. “Matsuoka, we can’t actually murder Matsujun!”
“I…I know that…”
“Mabo, put the knife away. We have to stalk and scare him first anyhow.”
He did so, and they crouched down, crawling on hands and knees. Matsujun was taking photos of the sun rising over the water, so he probably didn’t hear them coming.
They inched forward slowly, Matsujun getting closer and closer. Mabo could already smell him. He had to keep telling himself - he was doing this to understand Gussan. Gussan’s need to kill defenseless people with surfboards. He was itching for that knife again, until he heard the dragging in the sand beside him.
“Shovel’s fucking noisy,” Mabo hissed.
“You look like fucking Aladdin,” Taichi snapped back, and their covert mission ended abruptly as Matsujun turned around at the noise.
“…Matsuoka-san? Taichi-san?”
“BAIL BAIL BAIL!” Taichi screamed, leaving the shovel in the sand and running off.
Mabo got up, shaking an uncomfortable amount of sand from his genie pants. “Hey Matsujun. Uh…Gussan can’t come. See ya!”
He ran off, leaving a very confused Matsujun on the beach.
--
Joshima confronted Gussan at the recording studio.
“Gussan, you have to stop doing what you’re doing.”
“What…I…” Gussan looked down. “You mean…you know?”
“Of course I know!” Joshima howled. “You aren’t being very subtle about it!”
“I…I was being careful…”
Oh Gussan! “You need to stop! Before you get in trouble!”
“In trouble? But Shige, I don’t want to stop.”
He didn’t even regret hitting people in the head with surfboards?! “Okay. Okay. Okay, I can fix this. I can fix this!”
“Shige?”
“Insanity defense. Yes. Yes, we’ll go with insanity defense. You’ll be okay, Tatsuya, you will be okay, you hear me?”
Gussan nodded. “Um, alright?”
Joshima left, nearly tearing out his hair. Gussan was a murderer - this was definitely going to affect record sales.
--
Little Chinen was peeling grapes for Nagase when Mabo and Taichi entered the green room. “Get him out of here,” Mabo complained.
Nagase just sat back, letting Chinen pop a grape in his mouth. “My bang maid’s cool you guys.”
“This is TOKIO business, Tomoya.”
“Ugh, fine.” Nagase handed his gun to Chinen. “Go clean this for me, kid.” Chinen obediently departed, pistol in hand. “Okay, so we need to get Gussan to confess, right?”
“Right,” Taichi replied.
“Well, why don’t we just confront him?”
“I…you mean, tell him we know he’s a killer?! That’s…that’s not very nice,” Mabo complained. “What if he gets mad?”
“Well I can shoot him if he tries to kill us,” Nagase pointed out.
“Okay, fair point,” Taichi conceded. “But how do we lure him here? Leader scared off Kame and I think Matsujun’s going to hate us forever now.”
“Lure?” Nagase complained. “You do know we have rehearsal tomorrow, right?”
Mabo and Taichi exchanged glances. Of course! They’d been so caught up in trying to fake murder Matsujun that they’d forgotten.
“Tomorrow then,” Mabo said. “Someone should tell Leader.”
--
Gussan sighed. He didn’t think they needed any extra rehearsal for the upcoming tour - sounding overrehearsed wouldn’t be much fun for the fans. Besides, he had other things that he wanted to do that day. But he came to the studio diligently, carrying his bass.
When he came to the door, there was just a note on there.
“GUSSAN. COME IN. THERE IS PIE.”
Well, he wasn’t one to turn down pie. He opened the door, stunned to see that the walls of the studio were completely lined with surfboards. Cheap ones too, he thought sadly. So hastily chosen - nothing like his own collection.
He set down the guitar case and went for the pie, but before he could take a bite, Taichi popped out from behind the couch.
“Well, hey there, cowboy. Kickin’ back with some pie, huh?”
“Um. Yeah. There was a sign on the door?”
Taichi was watching him strangely. “Looks good, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah?”
Mabo then popped out from the supply closet. “Is that what you do, Gussan? You do your thing, then settle down with some delicious pie?”
Now he was confused. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Taichi and Mabo exchanged a look Gussan couldn’t identify. They each leaned uncomfortably against the surfboards on the wall. Mabo spoke first. “You know…your…crazykillingspree…”
“My WHAT?!”
And then Nagase burst through the door, waving that ridiculous gun while one of the juniors Gussan didn’t know that well followed him…dressed in a maid’s outfit.
“OKAY YAMAGUCHI HANDS UP I’M CITIZENS' ARRESTING YOU!”
“Nagase, what the hell?!” Taichi screamed. “We said no citizens’ arrest!”
Gussan got more and more afraid of his bandmates. Were they all on drugs? And shortly after Nagase came in, Leader followed.
“Deny everything, Gussan! Admit nothing! I won’t let you go to jail!”
“Jail?” He looked around - Joshima shoving a microphone in his face, Nagase with his gun, Taichi and Mabo shielding themselves with surfboards. “Why the hell would I go to jail?”
“BECAUSE YOU’RE A MURDERER, GUSSAN, YOU CAN’T HIDE IT FROM US!”
“Nagase, be quiet, you’ll burst a blood vessel,” Mabo complained.
Taichi shook the surfboard. “Just admit it, okay? We still love you. But we just can’t let you keep doing this.”
Joshima knelt down in front of him, tears in his eyes. “Gussan, are you really the Beach Bum Killer?”
“The…” Wait, he’d read that story in the paper - guy bludgeoning people with surfboards and…oh god, these idiots. “I am not the Beach Bum Killer!”
“OH MY GOD GUSSAN!” Nagase cried. “HOW COULD YOU?”
“I said I am NOT the killer! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“But Gussan,” Mabo interrupted. “You’ve been so nervous lately!”
“And you show up wearing clothes from the day before,” Taichi continued.
He shoved a bite of pie in his mouth. If he was going to deal with stupidity, then at least he’d enjoy some sweets while doing so. He took his fork and used it to bat away the stupid microphone Leader still had shoved in his face.
“I’m just jittery. I’ve got a recital next week. I don’t always have time to go home after class.”
“Class?” Nagase wondered, voice finally back to indoor level. “What class?”
He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but it made him so happy. He was lucky to find a class to accommodate him and his busy schedule. He’d hidden it from them all because - well, he had to wear a leotard after all. “My ballet class.”
Mabo laughed. “Wait, you take ballet?”
“It’s very manly,” he pointed out. “And we’re doing the Nutcracker next week okay? I’m really nervous, alright? Don’t judge me.”
Joshima hugged him. “I knew you weren’t a murderer!”
Nagase laughed hysterically. “But Gussan’s a ballerina! That’s hilarious!”
“Wait,” Taichi said, looking confused. “Yamaguchi, if you’re not the Beach Bum Killer…hey, where’d the little one go?”
Nagase looked around. “Where’s my bang maid?”
“Holy shit! It’s the kid!” Mabo screamed. They ducked out of the way as the kid in the maid uniform started lifting the surfboards with surprising strength, waving them around.
“I am not a bang maid!” he screamed. “I have a name! I’m very popular!”
“Citizens’ arrest, Tomoya!” Taichi shouted. “Arrest him!”
Gussan munched on the pie while the other four avoided the little maid’s surfboard swinging. If Gussan was a nice guy, he’d probably help out, but his bandmates did think he was a psychopath, so they could solve their own little mess.
They managed to tackle the kid and haul him off while Gussan enjoyed the dessert. Well, the juniors these days sure were full of strange impulses.
Hopefully, they’d never find out about the bodies in the basement. At least he was smart enough not to kill with a surfboard.
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: All of TOKIO with assorted JE cameos.
Summary: “Well, he’s our bandmate. We have to support him, even if he’s a severely demented serial killer.”
Notes/Warnings: For the JE New Year 2010 Anonmeme - they wanted a crossover with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Blatantly stole the plot of an episode and thrust TOKIO into it.
2:03 PM
On a Monday
Tokyo, Japan
Sweet Taichi looked up from the newspaper. “Can you believe it? Another murder at the beach last night.”
Leader was too busy sniffing glue out of a plastic baggie, but Mabo’s interest was definitely piqued. “Another one? Details.”
Taichi scanned the article. “Says the guy was bludgeoned to death with a surfboard.”
“Ouch,” Mabo replied.
Nagase came in waving the stupid gun he always carried. “HEY GUYS! GUESS WHAT!”
“Nobody cares, Nagase,” Taichi complained.
Nagase continued anyhow, sticking his pistol back in his track pants. “I finally got one! Oi! Come in here already, would ya?”
Even Leader looked up from his glue briefly as a young man dressed in a maid’s costume entered, standing timidly at Nagase’s side.
Nagase threw his arm around the boy’s shoulder. “This is Chinen. Chinen’s my new bang maid.”
“What’s a bang maid?” Joshima wondered.
“What do you think it means, Leader?” Mabo replied. “Anyhow, about this murderer. Something doesn’t feel right.”
Taichi nodded. “Yeah…it’s like…I read the details about the deaths. All at the beach in a secluded spot, everyone killed by a surfboard.”
“Yeah!” Mabo answered. “Yeah, it’s like we know who the killer is, but we just can’t put our finger on it…”
Gussan slunk into the green room, and the other four exchanged a look.
“Hi guys, can’t stay long, busy day. Haha. Very busy,” Gussan was mumbling, fidgeting nervously. He came and picked up a script for the next 5LDK filming. “Yeah, just getting this. Going home now. Yes. Bye now. Bye!”
Before the others could even greet him, Gussan had already left in a panic.
Mabo’s jaw dropped. Taichi scanned the newspaper article again. “Mabo…you don’t think…”
“I do think…”
Nagase slapped Chinen the bang maid’s ass. “Looks like Gussan’s leading a double life.”
--
GUSSAN IS A SERIAL KILLER
IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN TOKIO
--
“We’ve known him for so long,” Taichi sighed as he and Mabo sat in the make-up chairs. “I can’t think he’s capable…”
Mabo shrugged. “Well, sometimes he comes to shoots in clothes he wore the night before. And he’s been rather edgy lately.”
“Well, he’s our bandmate. We have to support him, even if he’s a severely demented serial killer,” Taichi continued. “Maybe…maybe we should try to understand his mindset?”
“I was just thinking that!” Mabo cried. “Like, do a little psychology action. A little criminal profiling.”
Taichi nodded. “Let’s see what Gussan feels. Let’s kill someone.”
Mabo smiled.
--
Leader didn’t know what to do. He and Gussan had been BFF’s for so many years. They’d started TOKIO together - when did Gussan even have time to kill people with a surfboard? It was like he didn’t know his best friend at all.
Okay, so maybe he wasn’t the most subtle. He’d had to break a window to get into Gussan’s house, but maybe Gussan had left some evidence behind. If Joshima was his best friend, then the least he could do was get rid of it so Gussan wouldn’t go to jail. TOKIO had been together for over 15 years, and Gussan hadn’t killed them yet, so he figured he was safe for the time being.
Gussan’s house was pretty clean, and the walls were hung with dozens of surfboards. Nothing looked out of place. He crept around slowly, looking for droplets of blood or a severed head or something that might indicate that Gussan had a thirst for killing.
Just when he spotted the empty spot on the wall, sending him into a frenzied panic, he heard a car door in the driveway. He couldn’t get caught! He already saw Gussan through the window, coming in with a bag of groceries. Crap! He dove out the window he’d come in.
Gussan looked so normal, bringing in his bags from the car. But a surfboard was clearly missing. Joshima was determined - he’d serve as Gussan’s defense attorney. He’d get him cleared of wrongdoing.
--
“You think they have a weapons aisle?” Taichi asked as Mabo pushed the shopping cart through the Don Quijote store.
“Well, they wouldn’t label it 'weapons',” Mabo replied. “How do you want to do this?”
“Well, my guy’s an unemployed gravedigger who wields a shovel. Figure I’d have dirt all over my face and stuff when I commit my crimes, slinking back into the tunnel I’ve dug in the park.”
Taichi had put in a lot of thought here. Mabo wouldn’t be overtaken though. They pushed the cart to the gardening tools aisle so Taichi could get his shovel. Mabo held up the shiny knives he’d gotten from the cutlery aisle.
“Well, I’m a killer genie. You rub my lamp and I pop out. But instead of granting wishes, I stab you in the face!”
Taichi stared at him. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Mabo tossed the knives back in the cart. “At least I won’t be covered in dirt.”
--
“I…don’t think we’ve ever actually been out for a drink before, Joshima-senpai,” Kame mumbled, looking nervously at him.
Probably because he was recording the entire conversation on a twenty year old device. The tape was spooling, and Joshima had a microphone nearly up Kame’s nose. “Ah, Kamenashi-kun, it’s important to socialize with our juniors.” He filled Kame’s glass again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Uh…okay.”
“How often have you gone surfing with Yamaguchi-san?”
Kame moved a bit so the microphone was a bit further away. “I went a few times, why?”
“Did you have a good time?”
“Yes?”
“Did Gussan ever…ask you to go somewhere with him alone?”
Kame was confused. “What?”
“Leading the witness,” Joshima reminded himself. “Striking that from the record.”
“Don’t you think you should rewind the tape then?”
“No,” Joshima assured him, filling the kid’s glass until it was overflowing. “But do you think Gussan could murder someone?”
“What?!”
Joshima frowned. What was going on here? Had Gussan paid Kamenashi off? Had he frightened the boy into silence? Oh Gussan, he thought, what are you thinking?
--
“So even though I don’t have my escape tunnel here,” Taichi said, dragging his shovel in the sand behind him, “I think this should be a good reenactment.”
“Sure.” It was kind of chilly for Mabo in his blue genie pants and open vest, but at least he hadn’t smeared mud on his face like Taichi had. He pulled his knife from the little holster he’d attached to the hip of his genie pants. “Do you think he’ll show?”
“Of course he’ll show. We said Gussan would bring his best board for him to use.”
They peeked over the sand dune to see Matsujun waiting patiently for Gussan to arrive for surfing. Mabo’s mouth started watering - thinking of all the different ways to kill. TO KILL AND-
“So when does the bloodlust kick in?” Taichi asked.
Mabo blinked. “I…uh…”
Taichi looked horrified. “Matsuoka, we can’t actually murder Matsujun!”
“I…I know that…”
“Mabo, put the knife away. We have to stalk and scare him first anyhow.”
He did so, and they crouched down, crawling on hands and knees. Matsujun was taking photos of the sun rising over the water, so he probably didn’t hear them coming.
They inched forward slowly, Matsujun getting closer and closer. Mabo could already smell him. He had to keep telling himself - he was doing this to understand Gussan. Gussan’s need to kill defenseless people with surfboards. He was itching for that knife again, until he heard the dragging in the sand beside him.
“Shovel’s fucking noisy,” Mabo hissed.
“You look like fucking Aladdin,” Taichi snapped back, and their covert mission ended abruptly as Matsujun turned around at the noise.
“…Matsuoka-san? Taichi-san?”
“BAIL BAIL BAIL!” Taichi screamed, leaving the shovel in the sand and running off.
Mabo got up, shaking an uncomfortable amount of sand from his genie pants. “Hey Matsujun. Uh…Gussan can’t come. See ya!”
He ran off, leaving a very confused Matsujun on the beach.
--
Joshima confronted Gussan at the recording studio.
“Gussan, you have to stop doing what you’re doing.”
“What…I…” Gussan looked down. “You mean…you know?”
“Of course I know!” Joshima howled. “You aren’t being very subtle about it!”
“I…I was being careful…”
Oh Gussan! “You need to stop! Before you get in trouble!”
“In trouble? But Shige, I don’t want to stop.”
He didn’t even regret hitting people in the head with surfboards?! “Okay. Okay. Okay, I can fix this. I can fix this!”
“Shige?”
“Insanity defense. Yes. Yes, we’ll go with insanity defense. You’ll be okay, Tatsuya, you will be okay, you hear me?”
Gussan nodded. “Um, alright?”
Joshima left, nearly tearing out his hair. Gussan was a murderer - this was definitely going to affect record sales.
--
Little Chinen was peeling grapes for Nagase when Mabo and Taichi entered the green room. “Get him out of here,” Mabo complained.
Nagase just sat back, letting Chinen pop a grape in his mouth. “My bang maid’s cool you guys.”
“This is TOKIO business, Tomoya.”
“Ugh, fine.” Nagase handed his gun to Chinen. “Go clean this for me, kid.” Chinen obediently departed, pistol in hand. “Okay, so we need to get Gussan to confess, right?”
“Right,” Taichi replied.
“Well, why don’t we just confront him?”
“I…you mean, tell him we know he’s a killer?! That’s…that’s not very nice,” Mabo complained. “What if he gets mad?”
“Well I can shoot him if he tries to kill us,” Nagase pointed out.
“Okay, fair point,” Taichi conceded. “But how do we lure him here? Leader scared off Kame and I think Matsujun’s going to hate us forever now.”
“Lure?” Nagase complained. “You do know we have rehearsal tomorrow, right?”
Mabo and Taichi exchanged glances. Of course! They’d been so caught up in trying to fake murder Matsujun that they’d forgotten.
“Tomorrow then,” Mabo said. “Someone should tell Leader.”
--
Gussan sighed. He didn’t think they needed any extra rehearsal for the upcoming tour - sounding overrehearsed wouldn’t be much fun for the fans. Besides, he had other things that he wanted to do that day. But he came to the studio diligently, carrying his bass.
When he came to the door, there was just a note on there.
“GUSSAN. COME IN. THERE IS PIE.”
Well, he wasn’t one to turn down pie. He opened the door, stunned to see that the walls of the studio were completely lined with surfboards. Cheap ones too, he thought sadly. So hastily chosen - nothing like his own collection.
He set down the guitar case and went for the pie, but before he could take a bite, Taichi popped out from behind the couch.
“Well, hey there, cowboy. Kickin’ back with some pie, huh?”
“Um. Yeah. There was a sign on the door?”
Taichi was watching him strangely. “Looks good, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah?”
Mabo then popped out from the supply closet. “Is that what you do, Gussan? You do your thing, then settle down with some delicious pie?”
Now he was confused. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Taichi and Mabo exchanged a look Gussan couldn’t identify. They each leaned uncomfortably against the surfboards on the wall. Mabo spoke first. “You know…your…crazykillingspree…”
“My WHAT?!”
And then Nagase burst through the door, waving that ridiculous gun while one of the juniors Gussan didn’t know that well followed him…dressed in a maid’s outfit.
“OKAY YAMAGUCHI HANDS UP I’M CITIZENS' ARRESTING YOU!”
“Nagase, what the hell?!” Taichi screamed. “We said no citizens’ arrest!”
Gussan got more and more afraid of his bandmates. Were they all on drugs? And shortly after Nagase came in, Leader followed.
“Deny everything, Gussan! Admit nothing! I won’t let you go to jail!”
“Jail?” He looked around - Joshima shoving a microphone in his face, Nagase with his gun, Taichi and Mabo shielding themselves with surfboards. “Why the hell would I go to jail?”
“BECAUSE YOU’RE A MURDERER, GUSSAN, YOU CAN’T HIDE IT FROM US!”
“Nagase, be quiet, you’ll burst a blood vessel,” Mabo complained.
Taichi shook the surfboard. “Just admit it, okay? We still love you. But we just can’t let you keep doing this.”
Joshima knelt down in front of him, tears in his eyes. “Gussan, are you really the Beach Bum Killer?”
“The…” Wait, he’d read that story in the paper - guy bludgeoning people with surfboards and…oh god, these idiots. “I am not the Beach Bum Killer!”
“OH MY GOD GUSSAN!” Nagase cried. “HOW COULD YOU?”
“I said I am NOT the killer! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“But Gussan,” Mabo interrupted. “You’ve been so nervous lately!”
“And you show up wearing clothes from the day before,” Taichi continued.
He shoved a bite of pie in his mouth. If he was going to deal with stupidity, then at least he’d enjoy some sweets while doing so. He took his fork and used it to bat away the stupid microphone Leader still had shoved in his face.
“I’m just jittery. I’ve got a recital next week. I don’t always have time to go home after class.”
“Class?” Nagase wondered, voice finally back to indoor level. “What class?”
He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but it made him so happy. He was lucky to find a class to accommodate him and his busy schedule. He’d hidden it from them all because - well, he had to wear a leotard after all. “My ballet class.”
Mabo laughed. “Wait, you take ballet?”
“It’s very manly,” he pointed out. “And we’re doing the Nutcracker next week okay? I’m really nervous, alright? Don’t judge me.”
Joshima hugged him. “I knew you weren’t a murderer!”
Nagase laughed hysterically. “But Gussan’s a ballerina! That’s hilarious!”
“Wait,” Taichi said, looking confused. “Yamaguchi, if you’re not the Beach Bum Killer…hey, where’d the little one go?”
Nagase looked around. “Where’s my bang maid?”
“Holy shit! It’s the kid!” Mabo screamed. They ducked out of the way as the kid in the maid uniform started lifting the surfboards with surprising strength, waving them around.
“I am not a bang maid!” he screamed. “I have a name! I’m very popular!”
“Citizens’ arrest, Tomoya!” Taichi shouted. “Arrest him!”
Gussan munched on the pie while the other four avoided the little maid’s surfboard swinging. If Gussan was a nice guy, he’d probably help out, but his bandmates did think he was a psychopath, so they could solve their own little mess.
They managed to tackle the kid and haul him off while Gussan enjoyed the dessert. Well, the juniors these days sure were full of strange impulses.
Hopefully, they’d never find out about the bodies in the basement. At least he was smart enough not to kill with a surfboard.