Sugary Law and Sweet Order
Title: Sugary Law and Sweet Order
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Gen - all of Arashi
Summary: In the Candy Land justice system, the people are allowed to express grievances in the Room of Judgery. Cases are then decided by King Kandy whose decision is absolute. These are their stories.
Notes/Warnings: An End of 2009 Request from foxymulder42 who abused her privilege as my best friend and asked for Arashi in Candy Land. Obviously crack. Oh, and I'm not a lawyer, can you tell?
In the Candy Land justice system, the people are allowed to express grievances in the Room of Judgery. Cases are then decided by King Kandy whose decision is absolute. These are their stories.
*chung chung*
Ohno hated court days. Especially because they happened a lot. Why had King Kandy assigned him as a judge anyhow? All final decisions went to him anyway, so Ohno was mostly just there to summarize the petty squabbles and disputes of Candy Land. He hated writing reports almost as much as he hated when Gumdrop Pass got closed down from too many shoes and vehicles sticking to the roadway.
He put on his rainbow colored judge robe and entered the small Room of Judgery. “All rise for the Honorable Judge Ohno,” bailiff Ikuta announced. He waved his hand at the formality and shuffled up to his Desk of Judgery.
He scanned the court room. Great. Sho was prosecuting today. Ohno wouldn’t get to snooze through this dispute. And Sho was in a huge oversized parka because he was sitting next to a young man surrounded by buckets of ice. Someone from the Ice Cream Sea.
Ohno wasn’t even surprised by the person on the defense side of the room. It was Kazunari, Lord Licorice in his elaborate hat and licorice cape. This would be a sticky situation indeed.
“Hi everyone, good morning,” Ohno greeted them. He looked at the court docket. “We have a complaint from Queen Frostine of the Ice Cream Sea against Kazunari, Lord Licorice. Representing Her Majesty is Prince Jun and…” Sho was clearing his throat for attention. “…Her Majesty’s chief attorney, Sakurai Sho.”
“Judge Ohno, if I may…” Lord Licorice interrupted.
“You may not.” Ohno watched the crafty little man’s eyes narrow at him. “Attorney Sakurai, if you’d present your case please?”
Sho stood, still shivering. Prince Jun, used to days on the root beer-scented ice floes and melon bergs of the Ice Cream Sea, seemed perfectly content in his shimmering cape and tunic as he patted his arms and face with an ice pack.
“Good morning, Judge Ohno. I’d like to thank you for your time today. I’d like to thank King Kandy for so graciously pursuing justice in Candy Land by creating this fair and equal court process. I’d like to thank my clients, Her Royal Majesty Queen Frostine and His Royal Highness Prince Jun…”
“Get on with it, Sakurai,” Licorice butted in, earning a shivering glare from Sho.
Even Prince Jun looked bored with his attorney’s chattiness, focusing instead on painting his fingernails a frosty blue color while Sho opened his briefcase and took out a thick stack of papers.
“Your honor,” Sho continued, “Her Majesty is still in good health, but the fluid nature of the Ice Cream Sea makes it difficult to govern. And so, she has sought to annex some territory of firmer constitution to the southwest now that Princess Lolly has abandoned her claims in the Lollipop Woods.”
“This is true,” Prince Jun said, looking up from his nail polish bottle. “Mother wants to leave me a more sizeable chunk of land when she eventually abdicates.”
“I have a contract here,” Sho said, holding up a stack of papers, “signed by Princess Lolly that gives all of her inherited lands to the Kingdom of the Ice Cream Sea and Your Honor, this contract authorizes Prince Jun as the caretaker and administrator of said lands during the transition of power.”
“Can I see the contract?” Ohno asked, watching as Kazunari’s expression grew darker and darker. Sho brought it over, and he took a look at it. Pretty open and shut case - all the signatures looked in order. “Attorney Sakurai, your complaint against Lord Licorice today then?”
Prince Jun snapped his fingers and half a dozen boys in snow suits brought over more buckets of ice to keep him cool in the small court room. Sho waddled back to the prosecuting table in his parka. “Kazunari, Lord Licorice, has laid claims to the southern portion of the Lollipop Woods and has left several soldiers along the border with his own lands.”
“Soldiers?” Kazunari scoffed, “Those are peacekeeping troops to keep Jun’s icehole citizens from destroying all the arable land!”
“You have not been recognized, Lord Licorice,” Ohno scolded him.
“I would also like the derogatory and racist term icehole to be stricken from the record, Your Honor,” Sho declared.
“Strike it,” Ohno agreed, and the strawberry shortcake recording device beeped its understanding.
“On behalf of Queen Frostine and Prince Jun, I would like this court to order the removal of any of Licorice Castle’s forces from territory that is not theirs,” Sho finished.
“Fine,” Ohno said, but already, Kazunari was going through his own briefcase to find his evidence. “Lord Licorice, are you ready?”
“I was born ready, Your Honor,” he replied, taking out some rainbow-bordered papers. “I am here to prove that not only are Prince Jun’s citizens destroying valuable land, but their contract with Princess Lolly is useless.”
Prince Jun snorted, shaking his head and launching a glittery torrent of snowflakes into Sakurai’s hair. Licorice continued. “If I may, Your Honor, I’d like to call a witness.”
Ohno could only see one other person in the room aside from the bailiff, a young man with frazzled hair munching on peanuts. “Go ahead.”
“Defense calls Masaki Nut to the stand,” Kazunari announced. The fellow got up and headed for the witness seat, dropping peanut shells the whole time. “Please state your name so Sho doesn’t get his panties in a twist about proper court procedure.”
“Objection!”
“Sustained. Lord Licorice, there’s no need for that,” Ohno agreed.
The young man was way too close to the candy cane microphone and his voice was muffled. Kazunari went up and smacked the guy on the head until he backed up. “My name is Masaki Nut. I live in the Peanut Brittle House with my Gramma.”
“That’s super,” Kazunari continued. “Now Your Honor, you saw the contract from Frozen Yogurt Land…”
“Objection!”
“Sustained,” Ohno mumbled.
“…from the Kingdom of the Ice Cream Sea. It was dated Rainbow Starfruit 23, was it not?”
“It was,” Ohno replied.
“Masaki, if you’d be so kind as to tell the court what you were doing on Rainbow Starfruit 22? In the evening preferably?”
Masaki Nut looked a little embarrassed. “I was on a date.”
Prince Jun started to look a little nervous, and some of the glittery gel keeping his hair perfect was starting to flake off. Sho patted his shoulder with his mitten-covered hand.
Lord Licorice continued. “A date, Mr. Nut. With whom?”
Masaki blushed. “With Princess Lolly.”
“Objection!” Sho protested. “What does the witness’ personal life have to do with this land dispute?”
“Overruled,” Ohno said, “let him finish.”
“Could you give some details about this date, Mr. Nut? And be really specific to the point that it’s uncomfortable for you.”
“Kazunari…” Masaki complained.
“Witness will answer defense’s question, okay?” Ohno insisted, trying to be a little nicer than Kazunari was being to his own witness.
“We were doing um…we did a lot of shots at Mr. Mint’s. Uh, that’s a dive bar in the Peppermint Forest. So yeah, we got pretty messed up.”
“Messed up, Mr. Nut,” Licorice said, smirking at Prince Jun. “How would you describe your morning after, the morning of Rainbow Starfruit 23?”
“Man, I was puking all over the Peanut Brittle House. Gramma was super upset with me!”
“Objection, Your Honor, relevance?”
“Overruled.” Ohno was beginning to see what Lord Licorice’s aim was here, alright. The King was not going to be happy with all the shenanigans going on in the kingdom.
“I think if Masaki Nut was vomiting up his internal organs, it’s safe to say that Princess Lolly wasn’t doing so hot on the morning of Rainbow Starfruit 23 either,” Kazunari explained. “If she was in no condition to move, let alone discuss land annexation, then I declare Popsicle Town’s…”
“Lord Licorice,” Ohno warned.
“The Kingdom of the Ice Cream Sea’s contract with her to be invalid and signed under duress or mental incapacitation.”
Sho stood up so quickly that he knocked over one of Prince Jun’s buckets of ice with his snow boot. “Objection, Your Honor, that is preposterous! Masaki Nut’s hangover does not imply anything about Princess Lolly’s own alcohol tolerance! Since his Lordship couldn’t get the woman herself to testify to his facetious claim, then witness testimony is all conjecture!”
“Sustained. Witness dismissed.” Masaki Nut blushed again and departed the witness box, leaving a fresh trail of peanut shells in his wake. “Lord Licorice, you had another counter to the plaintiff?”
“You bet your fruity robe I do,” Licorice said. “Legally binding contract or no, as a citizen of Candy Land, I cannot sit idly by in my awesome castle when valuable real estate is being used improperly.”
He took out some photographs, arranging them to his satisfaction on a tack board. Kazunari gestured to them with his licorice stick cane. “This is a before picture of the Lollipop Woods. Notice the coloration and healthy appearance of this clearing. The grass is green, the flowers are bright and happy, even the squirrels are frolicking.”
He pointed to the next picture - even Ohno noticed the frost covering the ground. “This photo was taken not one week after this part of Lollipop Woods came under the authority of Princess Jun…”
“Objection!”
“You will address plaintiff properly,” Ohno said.
“Prince Jun. He was in charge for a week and already, this beautiful land was turned to frozen tundra by his citizens.”
“They were planting cabbage!” Prince Jun spat, detaching one of the decorative icicle epaulettes from the shoulder of his tunic and gripping it like it was Lord Licorice’s throat. “Cabbage grows in winter! They had to artificially create ideal growing conditions! It’s a lot of work! Not that you’d know anything about hard work when you sit in your castle all day and throw orange slushies at your minions!”
Ohno sighed. “Defense, control your client.”
“But he’s cold,” Sho mumbled, wrapping an arm around Prince Jun’s shoulders to encourage him to calm down. Ohno saw Sho’s breath coming out in small, pathetic puffs as he whispered something to the Prince.
Licorice smirked again, unless that was actually his default facial expression. “Is this the person who should be ruling a country someday? I wonder. Anyhow, Your Honor, between this ridiculous contract and perversion of the land, I think that Licorice Castle is more than justified in its concern here. I rest my case.”
“Alright,” Ohno said. “I think I’ve heard enough from both sides here. I’ll go talk to the king. You’ll have an answer in an hour.”
--
The king was in his cotton candy bed, munching on Bon Bons when Ohno entered and bowed. “Hey, Judge Guy!”
He explained the case as logically and free of bias as he could while the king kept snacking and watching Candy Land’s Next Top Model. The folks in the Room of Judgery had no idea how the law was actually carried out in Candy Land, and they probably didn’t need to ever know.
“You tell ‘em, Tyra!” King Kandy shouted at his television. “I’m sorry, what was the licorice guy whining about this time?”
Ohno hated his job.
--
Prince Jun had left the room to relax in one of the Candy Castle’s freezers while Sho and Lord Licorice awaited the decision in the Room of Judgery. “All rise,” Bailiff Ikuta announced, yawning.
“Stand for the verdict,” Ohno announced. Licorice looked like he had a small chocolate voodoo doll of the Ice Cream Sea’s heir while Sho was basking in the warmth of a space heater now that Prince Jun was no longer sitting beside him
“King Kandy says that the contract is suspect,” Ohno started, seeing Licorice’s face light up. In fact, the King said something along the lines of the contract being goofier than a cupcake without frosting.
“Within 90 days, a new contract must be written up to ensure that Princess Lolly is of sound mind. In the meantime, Lord Licorice will be allowed to maintain a presence there, but he will move his peacekeeping troops when the new contract is finalized.”
Licorice cracked the chocolate voodoo doll in half. Ohno didn’t much care - he thought it was a pretty fair compromise. Plus, he liked cabbage.
“His Majesty is most wise,” Sho noted, rubbing his hands together over the heater. “Justice prevails today.”
“Suck up a little more,” Licorice muttered before tossing his cape over his shoulder and flouncing from the room.
Another day in Candy Land, another stupid dispute. He saw Masaki Nut still sitting in the back of the Room of Judgery, and he walked up. “Hi there.”
“Your Honor.”
It had been a long day, and from witness testimony, it seemed that Gramma Nut’s grandson liked to live it up. “You wanna go to Mr. Mint’s with me?”
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Gen - all of Arashi
Summary: In the Candy Land justice system, the people are allowed to express grievances in the Room of Judgery. Cases are then decided by King Kandy whose decision is absolute. These are their stories.
Notes/Warnings: An End of 2009 Request from foxymulder42 who abused her privilege as my best friend and asked for Arashi in Candy Land. Obviously crack. Oh, and I'm not a lawyer, can you tell?
In the Candy Land justice system, the people are allowed to express grievances in the Room of Judgery. Cases are then decided by King Kandy whose decision is absolute. These are their stories.
*chung chung*
Ohno hated court days. Especially because they happened a lot. Why had King Kandy assigned him as a judge anyhow? All final decisions went to him anyway, so Ohno was mostly just there to summarize the petty squabbles and disputes of Candy Land. He hated writing reports almost as much as he hated when Gumdrop Pass got closed down from too many shoes and vehicles sticking to the roadway.
He put on his rainbow colored judge robe and entered the small Room of Judgery. “All rise for the Honorable Judge Ohno,” bailiff Ikuta announced. He waved his hand at the formality and shuffled up to his Desk of Judgery.
He scanned the court room. Great. Sho was prosecuting today. Ohno wouldn’t get to snooze through this dispute. And Sho was in a huge oversized parka because he was sitting next to a young man surrounded by buckets of ice. Someone from the Ice Cream Sea.
Ohno wasn’t even surprised by the person on the defense side of the room. It was Kazunari, Lord Licorice in his elaborate hat and licorice cape. This would be a sticky situation indeed.
“Hi everyone, good morning,” Ohno greeted them. He looked at the court docket. “We have a complaint from Queen Frostine of the Ice Cream Sea against Kazunari, Lord Licorice. Representing Her Majesty is Prince Jun and…” Sho was clearing his throat for attention. “…Her Majesty’s chief attorney, Sakurai Sho.”
“Judge Ohno, if I may…” Lord Licorice interrupted.
“You may not.” Ohno watched the crafty little man’s eyes narrow at him. “Attorney Sakurai, if you’d present your case please?”
Sho stood, still shivering. Prince Jun, used to days on the root beer-scented ice floes and melon bergs of the Ice Cream Sea, seemed perfectly content in his shimmering cape and tunic as he patted his arms and face with an ice pack.
“Good morning, Judge Ohno. I’d like to thank you for your time today. I’d like to thank King Kandy for so graciously pursuing justice in Candy Land by creating this fair and equal court process. I’d like to thank my clients, Her Royal Majesty Queen Frostine and His Royal Highness Prince Jun…”
“Get on with it, Sakurai,” Licorice butted in, earning a shivering glare from Sho.
Even Prince Jun looked bored with his attorney’s chattiness, focusing instead on painting his fingernails a frosty blue color while Sho opened his briefcase and took out a thick stack of papers.
“Your honor,” Sho continued, “Her Majesty is still in good health, but the fluid nature of the Ice Cream Sea makes it difficult to govern. And so, she has sought to annex some territory of firmer constitution to the southwest now that Princess Lolly has abandoned her claims in the Lollipop Woods.”
“This is true,” Prince Jun said, looking up from his nail polish bottle. “Mother wants to leave me a more sizeable chunk of land when she eventually abdicates.”
“I have a contract here,” Sho said, holding up a stack of papers, “signed by Princess Lolly that gives all of her inherited lands to the Kingdom of the Ice Cream Sea and Your Honor, this contract authorizes Prince Jun as the caretaker and administrator of said lands during the transition of power.”
“Can I see the contract?” Ohno asked, watching as Kazunari’s expression grew darker and darker. Sho brought it over, and he took a look at it. Pretty open and shut case - all the signatures looked in order. “Attorney Sakurai, your complaint against Lord Licorice today then?”
Prince Jun snapped his fingers and half a dozen boys in snow suits brought over more buckets of ice to keep him cool in the small court room. Sho waddled back to the prosecuting table in his parka. “Kazunari, Lord Licorice, has laid claims to the southern portion of the Lollipop Woods and has left several soldiers along the border with his own lands.”
“Soldiers?” Kazunari scoffed, “Those are peacekeeping troops to keep Jun’s icehole citizens from destroying all the arable land!”
“You have not been recognized, Lord Licorice,” Ohno scolded him.
“I would also like the derogatory and racist term icehole to be stricken from the record, Your Honor,” Sho declared.
“Strike it,” Ohno agreed, and the strawberry shortcake recording device beeped its understanding.
“On behalf of Queen Frostine and Prince Jun, I would like this court to order the removal of any of Licorice Castle’s forces from territory that is not theirs,” Sho finished.
“Fine,” Ohno said, but already, Kazunari was going through his own briefcase to find his evidence. “Lord Licorice, are you ready?”
“I was born ready, Your Honor,” he replied, taking out some rainbow-bordered papers. “I am here to prove that not only are Prince Jun’s citizens destroying valuable land, but their contract with Princess Lolly is useless.”
Prince Jun snorted, shaking his head and launching a glittery torrent of snowflakes into Sakurai’s hair. Licorice continued. “If I may, Your Honor, I’d like to call a witness.”
Ohno could only see one other person in the room aside from the bailiff, a young man with frazzled hair munching on peanuts. “Go ahead.”
“Defense calls Masaki Nut to the stand,” Kazunari announced. The fellow got up and headed for the witness seat, dropping peanut shells the whole time. “Please state your name so Sho doesn’t get his panties in a twist about proper court procedure.”
“Objection!”
“Sustained. Lord Licorice, there’s no need for that,” Ohno agreed.
The young man was way too close to the candy cane microphone and his voice was muffled. Kazunari went up and smacked the guy on the head until he backed up. “My name is Masaki Nut. I live in the Peanut Brittle House with my Gramma.”
“That’s super,” Kazunari continued. “Now Your Honor, you saw the contract from Frozen Yogurt Land…”
“Objection!”
“Sustained,” Ohno mumbled.
“…from the Kingdom of the Ice Cream Sea. It was dated Rainbow Starfruit 23, was it not?”
“It was,” Ohno replied.
“Masaki, if you’d be so kind as to tell the court what you were doing on Rainbow Starfruit 22? In the evening preferably?”
Masaki Nut looked a little embarrassed. “I was on a date.”
Prince Jun started to look a little nervous, and some of the glittery gel keeping his hair perfect was starting to flake off. Sho patted his shoulder with his mitten-covered hand.
Lord Licorice continued. “A date, Mr. Nut. With whom?”
Masaki blushed. “With Princess Lolly.”
“Objection!” Sho protested. “What does the witness’ personal life have to do with this land dispute?”
“Overruled,” Ohno said, “let him finish.”
“Could you give some details about this date, Mr. Nut? And be really specific to the point that it’s uncomfortable for you.”
“Kazunari…” Masaki complained.
“Witness will answer defense’s question, okay?” Ohno insisted, trying to be a little nicer than Kazunari was being to his own witness.
“We were doing um…we did a lot of shots at Mr. Mint’s. Uh, that’s a dive bar in the Peppermint Forest. So yeah, we got pretty messed up.”
“Messed up, Mr. Nut,” Licorice said, smirking at Prince Jun. “How would you describe your morning after, the morning of Rainbow Starfruit 23?”
“Man, I was puking all over the Peanut Brittle House. Gramma was super upset with me!”
“Objection, Your Honor, relevance?”
“Overruled.” Ohno was beginning to see what Lord Licorice’s aim was here, alright. The King was not going to be happy with all the shenanigans going on in the kingdom.
“I think if Masaki Nut was vomiting up his internal organs, it’s safe to say that Princess Lolly wasn’t doing so hot on the morning of Rainbow Starfruit 23 either,” Kazunari explained. “If she was in no condition to move, let alone discuss land annexation, then I declare Popsicle Town’s…”
“Lord Licorice,” Ohno warned.
“The Kingdom of the Ice Cream Sea’s contract with her to be invalid and signed under duress or mental incapacitation.”
Sho stood up so quickly that he knocked over one of Prince Jun’s buckets of ice with his snow boot. “Objection, Your Honor, that is preposterous! Masaki Nut’s hangover does not imply anything about Princess Lolly’s own alcohol tolerance! Since his Lordship couldn’t get the woman herself to testify to his facetious claim, then witness testimony is all conjecture!”
“Sustained. Witness dismissed.” Masaki Nut blushed again and departed the witness box, leaving a fresh trail of peanut shells in his wake. “Lord Licorice, you had another counter to the plaintiff?”
“You bet your fruity robe I do,” Licorice said. “Legally binding contract or no, as a citizen of Candy Land, I cannot sit idly by in my awesome castle when valuable real estate is being used improperly.”
He took out some photographs, arranging them to his satisfaction on a tack board. Kazunari gestured to them with his licorice stick cane. “This is a before picture of the Lollipop Woods. Notice the coloration and healthy appearance of this clearing. The grass is green, the flowers are bright and happy, even the squirrels are frolicking.”
He pointed to the next picture - even Ohno noticed the frost covering the ground. “This photo was taken not one week after this part of Lollipop Woods came under the authority of Princess Jun…”
“Objection!”
“You will address plaintiff properly,” Ohno said.
“Prince Jun. He was in charge for a week and already, this beautiful land was turned to frozen tundra by his citizens.”
“They were planting cabbage!” Prince Jun spat, detaching one of the decorative icicle epaulettes from the shoulder of his tunic and gripping it like it was Lord Licorice’s throat. “Cabbage grows in winter! They had to artificially create ideal growing conditions! It’s a lot of work! Not that you’d know anything about hard work when you sit in your castle all day and throw orange slushies at your minions!”
Ohno sighed. “Defense, control your client.”
“But he’s cold,” Sho mumbled, wrapping an arm around Prince Jun’s shoulders to encourage him to calm down. Ohno saw Sho’s breath coming out in small, pathetic puffs as he whispered something to the Prince.
Licorice smirked again, unless that was actually his default facial expression. “Is this the person who should be ruling a country someday? I wonder. Anyhow, Your Honor, between this ridiculous contract and perversion of the land, I think that Licorice Castle is more than justified in its concern here. I rest my case.”
“Alright,” Ohno said. “I think I’ve heard enough from both sides here. I’ll go talk to the king. You’ll have an answer in an hour.”
--
The king was in his cotton candy bed, munching on Bon Bons when Ohno entered and bowed. “Hey, Judge Guy!”
He explained the case as logically and free of bias as he could while the king kept snacking and watching Candy Land’s Next Top Model. The folks in the Room of Judgery had no idea how the law was actually carried out in Candy Land, and they probably didn’t need to ever know.
“You tell ‘em, Tyra!” King Kandy shouted at his television. “I’m sorry, what was the licorice guy whining about this time?”
Ohno hated his job.
--
Prince Jun had left the room to relax in one of the Candy Castle’s freezers while Sho and Lord Licorice awaited the decision in the Room of Judgery. “All rise,” Bailiff Ikuta announced, yawning.
“Stand for the verdict,” Ohno announced. Licorice looked like he had a small chocolate voodoo doll of the Ice Cream Sea’s heir while Sho was basking in the warmth of a space heater now that Prince Jun was no longer sitting beside him
“King Kandy says that the contract is suspect,” Ohno started, seeing Licorice’s face light up. In fact, the King said something along the lines of the contract being goofier than a cupcake without frosting.
“Within 90 days, a new contract must be written up to ensure that Princess Lolly is of sound mind. In the meantime, Lord Licorice will be allowed to maintain a presence there, but he will move his peacekeeping troops when the new contract is finalized.”
Licorice cracked the chocolate voodoo doll in half. Ohno didn’t much care - he thought it was a pretty fair compromise. Plus, he liked cabbage.
“His Majesty is most wise,” Sho noted, rubbing his hands together over the heater. “Justice prevails today.”
“Suck up a little more,” Licorice muttered before tossing his cape over his shoulder and flouncing from the room.
Another day in Candy Land, another stupid dispute. He saw Masaki Nut still sitting in the back of the Room of Judgery, and he walked up. “Hi there.”
“Your Honor.”
It had been a long day, and from witness testimony, it seemed that Gramma Nut’s grandson liked to live it up. “You wanna go to Mr. Mint’s with me?”