(You Could Never) Publish My Love
Title: (You Could Never) Publish My Love
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Summary: Macchan is a name that Sho seems to save for moments Jun can't forget.
Notes/Warnings: Mostly to satisfy my weird and strange love for whenever Sho calls Jun "Ma-chan"/"Macchan". Yes, an entire fic about the damn nickname. I know that mutekinonna gets just excited as I do when it comes up, haha. Title's from a Rogue Wave song that's on my Sakumoto playlist. I really need to add more to it.
Macchan is a name that Sho seems to save for moments Jun can't forget. The first time Jun hears it, they are fifteen and sixteen, and Jun has the telephone cord curled around his wrist tight. “What time is it?” Sho complains, angry.
“I can't sleep,” is all he's able to say. Sho understands, doesn't he?
There's a yawn. “Macchan, you can't call me this late, okay?”
His heart skips. Probably. He's a strange kid, isn't he? That's what Nino tells him. But he's always Matsumoto-kun, Jun-kun, Matsujun. At 1:17 in the morning, Jun becomes Macchan, and he doesn't even hear the dial tone until eight minutes after Sho hangs up.
He calls again, several times over the next few months. It's hard to sleep. School, work, always more work. He loves it, but it's so much to deal with. Sho understands, doesn't he? He's always grouchy but-
“I have exams tomorrow, you know. Macchan, can't you call Aiba?” Jun's waiting for the dial tone, for the whole thing to become a joke on television. He just hears Sho take a breath. “Alright, what do you want?”
--
The first time Jun hears it in person, it comes as a warning. They are rooming in Osaka. They rarely room together - Sho is usually with Leader. Jun's had a bit too much to drink after a live - he isn't usually this forward, not since they debuted. He follows Sho into his bed, laughing about the air conditioning in the room making it too cold.
“Just...just turn it down,” Sho says, his voice cracking like it had a few years earlier when Jun harassed him with late night calls. “If it's so cold then turn it down.”
Sho is shaking when Jun kisses him for the first time, but he doesn't push him away. Maybe he's too surprised - if Jun was sober, he wouldn't have dared do something so stupid. He probably tastes like the cheap beer from the hotel's bar and the other stuff Leader keeps in a flask in his room.
“Macchan,” Sho mumbles whenever Jun allows him to catch his breath, which isn't very often now that Jun's got him pinned down under the sheets. “We can't.”
“Why not?” Sho's ear is sensitive, especially where his small earring rests. The alcohol's still rushing through him. He's finally in Sho's bed, and it's not for some contrived photo shoot. “Don't you want to?”
Jun freezes when he finally hears the knocking at the door. “Macchan,” Sho hisses again, and Jun stumbles off of him to the door.
“Aiba's having a wet dream or something,” Nino complains before crawling in beside Sho and falling asleep almost immediately.
Jun stands there awkwardly, sobering up way too fast as Sho buries his face in the pillow. He doesn't hear his nickname again for some time.
--
The first time Jun hears it the way he really wants Sho to say it, they're in Osaka again. Sho's different when they're touring. They all are, in different ways. Aiba's inclined to giddy self-reflection, Nino's barbs are less sharp, Leader acts a bit more like a leader ought to. Jun gets to direct - he's the youngest only in age, but when it's time for a live, he gets to show what he's really capable of. Planning and details and costuming - he's found a niche where he can feel like he really belongs.
He's not that strange kid now.
Sho's different during tour time. Maybe it's the energy, the nervousness that they all feel. Maybe Sho spends so much time trying to be perfect, so much time trying to make things a success that it takes him longer to come down from it. He drinks more when they're touring, he talks more (if that's possible). He's more affectionate. He hugs, he holds hands, he smiles.
For some reason, he doesn't show much of it to Jun. So when it's the last night in Osaka and all there is to look forward to in the morning is a few hours on the Shinkansen, he goes to Sho's room. Ohno's not there, having already crashed in the middle of a giggling Nino and Aiba sandwich.
Jun wants to confront Sho, wants to ask why he's the only one that Sho leaves out, but they've been Arashi for half a dozen years now and these questions don't really get asked aloud. Sho just seems to know why he's there. They're not alone much, but they've known each other long enough that Jun can see the fear in Sho's face and know it's reflected in his own.
Sho leans against the doorframe, tired eyes fixed on the collar of Jun's t-shirt. He hasn't invited Jun inside yet. “Macchan.”
Sho doesn't show Jun any affection because it means something, Jun realizes. It's not like holding hands with Nino because Nino holds hands with anyone. It's not like a hug for Aiba. It's not a giddy smile for Ohno. It takes Sho standing in his doorway in Osaka looking embarrassed for Jun to get it.
He glances quickly to make sure the hall's empty before prying Sho's fingers from the frame and forcing himself into the room. He hears “Macchan” before their noses bump and Sho can't get the chain to lock properly. Jun hears “Macchan” again with a laugh as they nearly trip over Sho's suitcase. He doesn't have to hear it once they're laying side by side, clothes mostly discarded. and struggling to stay quiet.
And since they couldn't get the chain, Sho leaves him for the other bed before daybreak in case a manager or Ohno comes in. He's mostly asleep, but he doesn't miss the way Sho's lips brush his temple as he tucks the blanket around him.
Sho doesn't act like it didn't happen. Jun knows as well as Sho does that it just won't be spoken about. He keeps the memory of Sho gasping beneath him close - like his nickname and like Sho's open affection, it's a rare thing indeed.
--
They never talk about it. It just becomes something for tours when tensions are high or nights at Jun's apartment when they're both in between relationships. Jun is still Matsujun and Matsumoto-kun in scripts, but when the cue cards are gone and all they can do is give in, he's Macchan. They're busier than ever with individual projects and group things that it's almost impossible to find time.
He praises Sho in magazine interviews, wondering if he'll say anything. Sho retaliates by letting out a “Macchan” during a Shukudai filming. Sho's always fought dirty.
They'll never put a name or a word to what they have. Interviews aren't just about ideal dates or girlfriends now. Their friends from high school, the ones who aren't in their world - they're growing up, they're settling down. Sho talks about getting married someday, Jun talks about wanting a family.
They'll have to stop.
--
The last time Jun knows he'll hear it, they're thirty-five and thirty-six, and Jun's parked across the street.
“I can't sleep,” he says, knowing full well that Sho's wife is out of town visiting relatives. He also knows that Sho won't invite him in.
“Macchan,” Sho says sadly, but this time Jun interrupts him.
“Don't...you...it's okay. I just can't sleep.” Sho understands, doesn't he?
“Okay.” He sees the second floor bedroom light flick on and hears Sho's breathing over the line. “What do you want?”
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Summary: Macchan is a name that Sho seems to save for moments Jun can't forget.
Notes/Warnings: Mostly to satisfy my weird and strange love for whenever Sho calls Jun "Ma-chan"/"Macchan". Yes, an entire fic about the damn nickname. I know that mutekinonna gets just excited as I do when it comes up, haha. Title's from a Rogue Wave song that's on my Sakumoto playlist. I really need to add more to it.
Macchan is a name that Sho seems to save for moments Jun can't forget. The first time Jun hears it, they are fifteen and sixteen, and Jun has the telephone cord curled around his wrist tight. “What time is it?” Sho complains, angry.
“I can't sleep,” is all he's able to say. Sho understands, doesn't he?
There's a yawn. “Macchan, you can't call me this late, okay?”
His heart skips. Probably. He's a strange kid, isn't he? That's what Nino tells him. But he's always Matsumoto-kun, Jun-kun, Matsujun. At 1:17 in the morning, Jun becomes Macchan, and he doesn't even hear the dial tone until eight minutes after Sho hangs up.
He calls again, several times over the next few months. It's hard to sleep. School, work, always more work. He loves it, but it's so much to deal with. Sho understands, doesn't he? He's always grouchy but-
“I have exams tomorrow, you know. Macchan, can't you call Aiba?” Jun's waiting for the dial tone, for the whole thing to become a joke on television. He just hears Sho take a breath. “Alright, what do you want?”
--
The first time Jun hears it in person, it comes as a warning. They are rooming in Osaka. They rarely room together - Sho is usually with Leader. Jun's had a bit too much to drink after a live - he isn't usually this forward, not since they debuted. He follows Sho into his bed, laughing about the air conditioning in the room making it too cold.
“Just...just turn it down,” Sho says, his voice cracking like it had a few years earlier when Jun harassed him with late night calls. “If it's so cold then turn it down.”
Sho is shaking when Jun kisses him for the first time, but he doesn't push him away. Maybe he's too surprised - if Jun was sober, he wouldn't have dared do something so stupid. He probably tastes like the cheap beer from the hotel's bar and the other stuff Leader keeps in a flask in his room.
“Macchan,” Sho mumbles whenever Jun allows him to catch his breath, which isn't very often now that Jun's got him pinned down under the sheets. “We can't.”
“Why not?” Sho's ear is sensitive, especially where his small earring rests. The alcohol's still rushing through him. He's finally in Sho's bed, and it's not for some contrived photo shoot. “Don't you want to?”
Jun freezes when he finally hears the knocking at the door. “Macchan,” Sho hisses again, and Jun stumbles off of him to the door.
“Aiba's having a wet dream or something,” Nino complains before crawling in beside Sho and falling asleep almost immediately.
Jun stands there awkwardly, sobering up way too fast as Sho buries his face in the pillow. He doesn't hear his nickname again for some time.
--
The first time Jun hears it the way he really wants Sho to say it, they're in Osaka again. Sho's different when they're touring. They all are, in different ways. Aiba's inclined to giddy self-reflection, Nino's barbs are less sharp, Leader acts a bit more like a leader ought to. Jun gets to direct - he's the youngest only in age, but when it's time for a live, he gets to show what he's really capable of. Planning and details and costuming - he's found a niche where he can feel like he really belongs.
He's not that strange kid now.
Sho's different during tour time. Maybe it's the energy, the nervousness that they all feel. Maybe Sho spends so much time trying to be perfect, so much time trying to make things a success that it takes him longer to come down from it. He drinks more when they're touring, he talks more (if that's possible). He's more affectionate. He hugs, he holds hands, he smiles.
For some reason, he doesn't show much of it to Jun. So when it's the last night in Osaka and all there is to look forward to in the morning is a few hours on the Shinkansen, he goes to Sho's room. Ohno's not there, having already crashed in the middle of a giggling Nino and Aiba sandwich.
Jun wants to confront Sho, wants to ask why he's the only one that Sho leaves out, but they've been Arashi for half a dozen years now and these questions don't really get asked aloud. Sho just seems to know why he's there. They're not alone much, but they've known each other long enough that Jun can see the fear in Sho's face and know it's reflected in his own.
Sho leans against the doorframe, tired eyes fixed on the collar of Jun's t-shirt. He hasn't invited Jun inside yet. “Macchan.”
Sho doesn't show Jun any affection because it means something, Jun realizes. It's not like holding hands with Nino because Nino holds hands with anyone. It's not like a hug for Aiba. It's not a giddy smile for Ohno. It takes Sho standing in his doorway in Osaka looking embarrassed for Jun to get it.
He glances quickly to make sure the hall's empty before prying Sho's fingers from the frame and forcing himself into the room. He hears “Macchan” before their noses bump and Sho can't get the chain to lock properly. Jun hears “Macchan” again with a laugh as they nearly trip over Sho's suitcase. He doesn't have to hear it once they're laying side by side, clothes mostly discarded. and struggling to stay quiet.
And since they couldn't get the chain, Sho leaves him for the other bed before daybreak in case a manager or Ohno comes in. He's mostly asleep, but he doesn't miss the way Sho's lips brush his temple as he tucks the blanket around him.
Sho doesn't act like it didn't happen. Jun knows as well as Sho does that it just won't be spoken about. He keeps the memory of Sho gasping beneath him close - like his nickname and like Sho's open affection, it's a rare thing indeed.
--
They never talk about it. It just becomes something for tours when tensions are high or nights at Jun's apartment when they're both in between relationships. Jun is still Matsujun and Matsumoto-kun in scripts, but when the cue cards are gone and all they can do is give in, he's Macchan. They're busier than ever with individual projects and group things that it's almost impossible to find time.
He praises Sho in magazine interviews, wondering if he'll say anything. Sho retaliates by letting out a “Macchan” during a Shukudai filming. Sho's always fought dirty.
They'll never put a name or a word to what they have. Interviews aren't just about ideal dates or girlfriends now. Their friends from high school, the ones who aren't in their world - they're growing up, they're settling down. Sho talks about getting married someday, Jun talks about wanting a family.
They'll have to stop.
--
The last time Jun knows he'll hear it, they're thirty-five and thirty-six, and Jun's parked across the street.
“I can't sleep,” he says, knowing full well that Sho's wife is out of town visiting relatives. He also knows that Sho won't invite him in.
“Macchan,” Sho says sadly, but this time Jun interrupts him.
“Don't...you...it's okay. I just can't sleep.” Sho understands, doesn't he?
“Okay.” He sees the second floor bedroom light flick on and hears Sho's breathing over the line. “What do you want?”