The V-Motion: New Moon
Title: The V-Motion: New Moon
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya; Akanishi Jin/Yamashita Tomohisa
Summary: My quest to bang a vampire had gone unfulfilled as junior year came to a close in Forks, Washington
Notes/Warnings: For the Happy Gay Summer fic meme, June 2010. This is part two of the Akame Twilight "saga" - and I would eventually like to write an Eclipse version. But I'd like to watch the movie first so I don't have to look through the book again. Your patience is appreciated.
Kamenashi likened me to his own personal brand of heroin. Which was a really strange fucking metaphor if you think about it. Like, heroin's all about being injected and shit but thus far he had NOT let me inject my cock into his skinny ass. So while some people would think that whole soulmate thing was romantic, it was just Kamenashi's way of continually keeping me from getting laid.
But I guess if I was Kamenashi's heroin, then Kamenashi was my Mountain Dew. Oddly colored, left you jittery and if asked to explain why you liked it, you couldn't come up with an answer.
-
My quest to bang a vampire had gone unfulfilled as junior year came to a close in Forks, Washington. Against my better judgment, I had paid one of my classmates' older brothers to buy me some good American alcohol so I would be completely wasted when I went to the exchange program website to sign on for another year abroad. Wouldn't you prefer to be drunk in a situation like that? I was literally signing away another year of my life just because I had this idea in my head that I could get Kame to put out.
Then again, my old high school in Tokyo had let me know that none of the credits I'd earned over here would transfer anyhow, so finishing up in No Child Left Behind land was the reality of things anyhow. I registered on the website, feeling ready to barf up all this Boone's Farm shit the guy had bought for me. I could kind of sense an uppity bitch at close range, so I turned around to find Kame laying on my bed behind me.
“Staying for senior year, huh?” he asked, examining my plushie hippo with disdain. “Is that the wisest course of action, Jin? Don't you hate living in Forks?”
“Seriously, why the fuck are you in my room? When did you even get here?”
He poked the hippo in the plastic eyeball. “Oh, I'm always in here. I watch you sleep, you know.”
I didn't know that. Creepy fuck. I turned back to my computer and signed out now that my registration had gone through. The Boone's Farm was useless. No buzz.
“I'll have to get a cross to wear to bed then,” I told him. “If I stay another year, my English will get better. I could get a job here after graduation. Well, not here here, but America here.”
Kame sat up, crossing his legs. “You're staying for me, aren't you? It's like we're tethered. Connected. Shackled with chains of love.”
“I wouldn't go that far,” I said, turning in my chair. Maybe I just didn't want to admit that it was partially true. Kame was really one of the only good things about Forks, just like Kame's ass in skinny jeans was one of the only good things about Forks.
“It's your birthday next month right?” he asked. “I'll throw you a party. It's not like I have a birthday anymore or anything.”
Well, the idea of a party perked me up. Booze, maybe a stripper popping out of a cake, and more booze. How much booze would it take to get a vampire drunk? It was the perfect opportunity. “July 4th. I know it's a big holiday and stuff here, but we could do something. Just you and me.”
Kame actually smiled, which always creeped me out. He was far more himself when he was sullen and grouchy. “Really? I'll get you something nice.”
Hopefully the something nice would be a bottle of KY and some Durex. I just nodded. At least having a party to look forward to would make June in Forks go by a lot faster.
-
Charlie was giving me suspicious looks as I borrowed his cologne and started dousing myself with it. Maybe it would make me even more enticing to Kame, I thought. I tugged on my belt loop to hold my pants away from my body and prepared to spritz up my junk when he ordered me out of his room.
“Don't know or care who you're thinking of sticking your johnson in tonight, son,” Charlie complained, “but just don't knock any girls up, okay? I've got a reputation to maintain in town.”
If only the dumb ass knew I was dating a vampire. A guy vampire. “It's my birthday, you know,” I told him, wondering if he gave a shit.
He didn't, shoving me towards the front door. “I've got to keep a bunch of kids from blowing their hands off with firecrackers tonight, so just get going.”
Kame was waiting in front of the house with his stupid Volvo. Charlie probably thought that Kame and I were going cruising for pussy in Port Angeles or something. It might have been the better decision in the end since Kame drove me to his fancy ass house in the woods. He'd decorated the whole place with streamers and heart-shaped decorations. It was really gay.
And of course, since I'd specifically asked to spend the evening alone with Kame, he'd invited two of his stupid vampire friends. Nakamaru, who I'd met in the spring, was there sucking down a juice box that I assumed had been replaced with blood. I guess he'd forgiven Kame for dating me or else he just didn't want to end up staked and burnt up like Junno. The other one I hadn't met, but his name was Ueda and he was ready to hang himself with one of Kame's streamers, he looked so bored.
“Now play nice with the human tonight,” Kame begged his fellow undead weirdos. “It's his birthday. It's special.”
I opened the cooler and found can after can of fucking Fresca. No beer, no alone time. I couldn't even see a cake. What the fuck was this party? “We don't have to sing, do we?” Nakamaru asked. “Because that's not happening.”
“Why didn't you invite any of his friends?” Ueda asked Kame.
I was going to interject something about study abroad and everyone I knew living in Tokyo, but Kame just laughed and said “Jin has no other friends.”
Dick. I was never forgiving him for this freaking abortion of a party. I wanted to go home and see how easy it was to revoke the study abroad thing. I didn't really need a high school diploma, did I?
Kame wrapped his bony arm around my shoulders. “Got your present,” he said, and since he wasn't pulling his pants off in mixed company, I knew immediately it wasn't a present that I wanted. He pulled a jewel case from inside his jacket and slipped it between my fingers. “It's got some great songs,” he explained. “You're always listening to awful stuff, so I put some Coolio on here. I think there's some Nickelback and Coldplay. Meaningful lyrics, strong messages. None of that bitch and ho music you're always trying to play in my car.”
Ueda had to turn away to not laugh in Kame's face, and Nakamaru just shook his head and downed another sip of A negative Juicy Juice. It was really obvious how out of touch Kame was when even his lame vampire friends were making fun of him.
“You made me a mix CD,” I said, noticing that he'd markered 'Jin + Kame = Forever' on the disc itself.
“Do you like it?” he asked, in a voice that implied that he would burst into tears if I told him it was a super shitty gift.
If I told the truth, I was alone in a room with three vampires, and I smelled delicious. If I lied, maybe I could still get Kame to put out once Nakamaru and Ueda fucked off to go kill people in Seattle or something. But he'd probably want to have the CD playing while we got busy. I was pretty screwed no matter what I did.
I tried to open the CD case, but it cracked. “Shit,” I muttered, accidentally slicing my pinky on a jagged piece of plastic. One drop of blood was all it took. Before I knew what was going on, I was on my back, and scrawny little Ueda the vampire was all up in my grill and just about to bite down on my jugular.
“Get off of him!” Kame screeched, and the weight lifted. Kame and Ueda got into the vampire equivalent of a bitch fight, slapping at one another and pulling on each other's oh so pretty hair. “Jin's mine!”
Nakamaru ran out of the house screaming about trying to go vegetarian, and I just tried to get my breath back. If anyone was going to be biting me, it was going to be Kame, and the realization of that kind of masochistic shit made me want to throw up in my mouth. Kame finally subdued Ueda by kicking him in his vampire nuts.
Ueda howled, clutching his balls as he fell to his knees. Kame was awfully good at protecting me, I realized. “Get out of my house!” Kame cried. “Get out get out get out!”
I wondered if Kame was always alienating his fellow vampires. Maybe this was why he lived alone, kept enrolling himself in school and still thought Coolio was relevant. Ueda left in a huff, kicking over the cooler full of Fresca as one last fuck you to my boyfriend.
Kame tried to pick me up, and I shrugged him off. “It's a fucking cut. Not a broken leg again, ease up, man.”
“He could have killed you, Jin,” Kame said, “I don't know what I'd do if you were dead.”
Well, he'd probably be just as miserable and weird, but with fewer makeout sessions. I felt something poking me in the ass, and I let Kame get me on my feet. Somehow, I'd landed on the stupid mix CD, and it was cracked completely in half. The night had not been a total waste.
“Well, I'm not dead. So...” I leaned forward, and Kame shoved me away when I tried to grab at his crotch.
“I'm taking you home.”
I rolled my eyes. Shitty party, shitty birthday, shitty boyfriend. He drove me back to Charlie's, bitching the whole time about how long he'd sat with his iTunes open hand picking songs. I told him not to worry about it. I had almost died after all, so I was happier to be breathing than worrying about his stupid Nickelback shit.
We made out in the car for a few minutes, but he just wasn't into it. I tried doing something special with my tongue in his mouth, and he just shoved me off. “I'll talk to you later,” he said.
“Whatever, man.” I slammed the car door shut. It was my birthday, and no dick but my own to entertain me. Hell, I was even down for some tits at that point. No dice.
-
Kame showed up the next day, sparkling a bit in the faint sunlight like a reject from RuPaul's Drag Race. “We need to have a talk, Jin.”
Another talk? We'd done way too much talking lately. If he had another fucking CD in his jacket pocket, I was going to break up with him and go home. But of course, because he was Kamenashi and the world seemed to revolve around his glittery vampire ass, he dumped me first.
We were walking through the woods, and it wasn't like I had a compass so I was totally turned around and lost. Not to mention distracted because maybe he was taking me out here for a makeup handjob. We got to a clearing, and he settled his hands on my shoulders.
“Akanishi, I'm leaving Forks.”
“Fantastic,” I said, thinking I was calling his bluff. “Maybe I can go back home and date someone who actually appreciates my slutty willingness to try anything.”
“No,” he said, squeezing a little harder. His thumbs were precariously close to drifting down toward my collarbone. And that's just a fucking end game right there. I can't control what I'm ticklish about, alright? “I'm leaving Forks for good. You almost got killed last night. I can't be with you if it's just going to keep putting you in harm's way. It's not fair to force you to stay with me.”
“Wait, what? You're dumping ME here? You?” I sputtered. It was hitting me harder than I realized. I mean, I did sort of like him in that 'he always made me feel like an idiot but he still made out like a fucking champion' kind of way.
And now I was locked in to another year in Forks, the bank transfer had gone through, Charlie had cashed his first check from my parents, and what was the fucking point of Forks if Kame wasn't in it? Who the fuck was I supposed to copy my math homework from?
“Goodbye,” he said, brushing his lips against mine quickly and slipping another fucking jewel case in my hand. “This one's got some Death Cab on it. And don't come looking for me. You won't find me.”
I collapsed to my knees, clutching the CD full of pretentious douche music as he ran off with his ridiculous vampire speed.
“You fucking prick,” I blubbered. He'd abandoned me. Me, the guy who had spent the past several months offering to fuck his emo vampire angst away. Kamenashi stocked Fresca at a party. Fresca. And yet I was the one sitting in the woods all alone. What the fuck was I doing in Washington?
-
August
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September
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October
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November
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December
-
So I wasn't like, completely depressed for all those months. I'm not some girl, okay? But you probably didn't want to hear about me crying and jacking off to the James Blunt tracks on Kame's CD, did you? Because I did that and I'm not fucking proud of it. What the hell had Kamenashi done to me? Maybe he'd worked some undead voodoo on me to make me miss him or something, I don't know. But the first semester of senior year had been rather unremarkable.
Girls hit on me, I touched their tits behind the bleachers and felt nothing. There was a Homecoming dance, I stayed home and set stuff on fire in the yard. There were papers written and math tests and Charlie got me a job cutting grass at the old folks' home, but once winter came and it was snowing, I was bored again. This sense of boredom made me like a zombie, and it was really fucking sad.
By the time January rolled around, all I was doing for entertainment was napping and sneaking booze from Charlie's liquor cabinet. I occasionally got baked and watched Dora the Explorer (I learned a lot of Spanish that way, don't even judge). Finally, there was a knock at the door one afternoon after school while Charlie was off doing his cop shit. It was a face I hadn't seen in a while, probably because with all the Kame shit I'd been dealing with, I'd forgotten that I actually had another friend here in Washington.
“You look terrible,” Yamapi said, shaking his head at me. “How come we never hang out?”
My hair had gotten really long and instead of the whole using a hairbrush thing, I'd taken to shoving it all under a hat. And when the hat was off, it was some Sideshow Bob mess, so it was best I left the hat on. Anyway, it had been a while since Pi had stalked me at the dance and he looked different.
“You been lifting or something?” I asked him, because even with his t-shirt on, he was looking a lot more built than last time.
He looked down at himself, and I swear, he had tits. Okay, well not tits tits, but like the kind of tits a guy gets when he takes a bunch of supplements from GNC and bench presses cars and shit. “Oh. Well. Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
It was a vague answer, but Yamapi was a vague sort of guy. Like where I'm a retarded kind of shy, he was just an oblivious kind of shy, so I didn't really think much about his answer. Because he probably hadn't either. I agreed to hang out with Pi, who had just come into possession of two motorcycles. I'd spent so long cooped up in the house that I was pudgy and lazy, so maybe doing a little joy riding would lift my spirits. Fucking Kamenashi.
We got to the rez, and he was working in his stepdad's garage. The Native American guy was officially Pi's stepdad now since his mom had married him. I asked him if the dad adopted him if he'd get some badass Indian name, but he wasn't sure. I suggested “Eyes Like Tar Pits,” and he told me to fuck off.
The motorcycles were in pretty awful shape, and I hadn't taken auto shop at Forks High on account of me having no ambitions of working at Jiffy Lube after graduation like a lot of my classmates. But Pi's stepdad had taught him some mechanical shit, and since Pi was quiet, he seemed to like sitting around and fixing things because it meant nobody would talk to him.
So it got me out of the house more. I handed Pi the tools he asked for and listened to good music (not that fucking awful CD from Kame) while he fixed up the bikes, put on some new tires, fiddled with the gears. He didn't bother to explain what he was doing, which was fine because I didn't really care. I just wanted to ride the damn thing. It's like how I don't think too hard about how they make the little buns for White Castle hamburgers - so long as the end result is something worth eating at 2 AM after a little bit of Dora, I don't need to know all the details.
-
By the end of February, Pi had both of the bikes in a rideable condition, and I was excited. And you have to understand, life had been so fucking boring in Forks that I hadn't actually been excited about anything since the summer. Even masturbating was starting to lose its allure.
We took the bikes out to a more isolated part of the rez, seeing as how neither of us were American citizens and really weren't supposed to be driving anyhow. Charlie only let me use his shitty truck because it meant he didn't have to drive me anywhere himself. Pi showed me how to stay balanced, how to turn it on, how to accelerate, brake, all that shit I knew how to do because I'd played video games before, come on.
He pointed down the road. “Take it slow, go to where the road branches and turn around.”
“Fuck you,” I told him, taking off. “I'm not riding like some bitch.”
It felt good to have the wind in my face. It definitely woke me up, and since it was winter, I didn't really have to worry about getting any bugs stuck in my teeth. I was so focused on avoiding patches of ice that when I looked up, I saw Kamenashi standing in the middle of the path looking at me like I'd staked his vampire grandma with a pair of scissors.
“Whoa!” I shouted in an extremely manly and not at all screechy way, swerving quickly to avoid him. I fell off the bike hard, hearing it keep sliding down the road. Where had Kamenashi gone? I couldn't see him. All I knew was that I'd torn up my side pretty hard in the fall.
I heard another motorcycle, and in moments, Pi was by my side worrying like he was my mom. Although he stopped reminding me of my mom fairly quickly as he took off his t-shirt to stop the bleeding. “Damn Jin, I told you to go slow, you stupid piece of shit. You could have died.”
I had to admit, it was nice that Yamapi didn't sparkle for one and for two, he was mega built and it was quite the sight to see after months of imagining Kame's pointy ribs when I jacked off. “I saw Kame,” I told him. “He was in the road.”
“Are you high? I told you not to smoke up before you came here.”
“I'm not high,” I protested, letting him sit me up. He just stared at me in that Yamapi way - eyes vacant, face blank. I just had the sixth sense to know it meant he was disappointed in me. It also felt good to be held by him because he was warm like a kotatsu back home and I was pretty fucking lonely. And I'm not using lonely as a euphemism for horny either. It had been a rough few months.
“I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, Jin,” Yamapi admitted. “Who else would I speak Japanese with?”
He went and retrieved the other bike. He drove me home and tucked me in, and when he left, I started to wonder if it was worth entering a rebound relationship. He was hot after all. But seeing Kame in the road had to mean something, right? Months of sitting on my ass, and I didn't have any fucking visions, but as soon as I was doing something colossally retarded, there he was judging me.
-
I started experimenting. And not like drug experimenting, but trying to see if I could get Kame to appear kind of experimenting. Getting high didn't bring Kame around - I guess he just expected me to do stuff like that. I went to sign up for the army, and when I got to the recruiter's office, I saw Kame again. But he vanished as soon as I blinked. And thankfully, I hadn't signed up for the army. I also ordered a Double Down from KFC and saw Kame shaking his head, so I threw it in the trash.
So I pinned it down. It was doing stuff that would probably get me killed. Getting high wouldn't, but fighting in a war or eating fast food probably would. Maybe it was like some psychic shit, and if I really wanted to see him, I had to piss him off enough to have him come home. And then we would fuck and life would be amazing again. I had to admit, I was quite the genius to figure this shit out.
Pi had started acting strangely. Whenever I asked to go riding, he'd make up some bitch excuse about the rez trying to decide if they wanted to build a casino and how he wanted to be at the meetings. Asshole. How the fuck else was I going to get Kame to come back? Or of lesser importance, how would I be able to hint that I wanted to make out with Pi if I couldn't see him? It was fucking lame.
I decided to go back to that meadow where Kame and I had first made out in hopes of being able to summon him. I didn't exactly know how that worked, so I brought about fourteen Taco Bell chalupas and a Ouija Board with me in hopes that he'd come back.
I bit into a chalupa and set the Ouija board up in the grass. “Alright, you skinny motherfucker,” I shouted, spitting lettuce and sour cream. “Each of these things has like four hundred calories, and I'm really hungry!”
I went through about six chalupas and was ready to give up when I heard some noise from the woods. I turned and saw someone charging at me, but it wasn't Kame shaped. It was sparkling though, so it had to be a vampire. He'd changed his hair since last time, but he still had his fingernails painted like a fairy.
“You got Junno killed, you fat bitch!” Koki screeched at me, and I tried to defend myself by flinging a chalupa at him. But since he was a vampire, he dodged it.
He was just about to get me when there was this ridiculously loud howl from the forest. Koki turned, and I watched in complete shock as this pack of huge dogs or wolves or whatever the fuck chased him off.
I packed up my Ouija board. Fuck that noise, I really didn't want to die. One of the dog wolf things came back though before I could leave the meadow. He looked at me, and there was something almost creepily familiar about how dark his eyes were. And it was when the dog wolf started nuzzling my crotch that I almost shit my pants.
“Pi?” I asked, again in an utterly manly way. “Pi, is that you?”
There was this popping noise like when you pop a whole bunch of bubble wrap at one time, and suddenly, Pi was buck naked and at my feet. I was so surprised that my only remaining friend (a friend I wanted to kiss with tongue, mind you) was some freak that I passed out and didn't even get to check out his cock.
-
I woke up in my bed, and Pi was sitting beside me. Unfortunately, he'd put his clothes back on. I sat up and stared at him. “Dude. Seriously. Dude...”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
Yamapi went on to explain that his tribe turned into werewolves as some defense mechanism against vampires or some shit. And since he'd been living with them for so long, he caught whatever fucking werewolf STD they were carrying so now he transformed too. No wonder he hated Kame so much.
He joined me in bed, which I wasn't entirely against. He held me all gentle like and it was quite nice. Kame never fucking cuddled. “It's because of that vampire asshole that his friends are hunting you down,” Pi explained. “I just want to keep you safe. Because I care about you.”
“And because I speak Japanese,” I pointed out.
He nodded. “Yep.”
It was nice to know that I had Pi and his buddies watching out for me, but it was kind of weird to know that the buff guy in bed with me could transform into a giant dog. I hoped he wouldn't transform and try to hump me or something. Vampires, check. Hot guys, check. Bestiality, no. I had limits. The only doggie style I was down for was between two consenting humans.
I got a boner anyway (you would too) and smiled at Pi. “Wanna make out?”
He blushed and said “sure” and kissing Pi was way different from Kame. For one, Kame tended to make all these noises which, while hot, kept reminding me that he was more complaining than horny because he wanted to suck my blood. But Pi was a big cuddly teddy bear, and let me be as aggressive as I wanted to be. It was nice, and I didn't feel like I was going to break him when I rolled us so I was on top of him.
He took off his shirt, and I kissed every bit of tanned skin I could. He was a lot hotter when he closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the pillows. He was hard, I was hard. Fucking finally. I was going to get some.
But no, of course I saw HIM standing at the side of the bed, judging like a jealous little bitch. “Kame,” I muttered while Pi was trying to suck on my bottom lip. Of course, Kamenashi vanished and Pi looked rather depressed, since he obviously thought I was calling him Kame.
He stopped and moved me off of him. “I'm going home.”
Fucking Kamenashi. “Wait,” I said as Pi headed to the window, I guess to climb out of it instead of using the stairs and doors like normal people. “He was here.”
Pi frowned. “I really like you. So maybe when you stop trying to see his douchey Dracula ass we can do this again. See ya.”
He left, and boy, was I pissed off. Kamenashi couldn't just keep astrally projecting himself whenever I was trying to get some. I was going to confront him, and this time I wasn't going to pussy out.
-
There was this cliff down by the ocean, and this was a quicker way of putting myself in harm's way than OD'ing on chalupas. Heart disease took a while, I figured. I stood at the edge, not really looking forward to jumping off and praying that I didn't land on a pointy rock or in a shark's mouth or something. I just had to do something so completely retarded that Kame would come back. And then we would do it.
So I was preparing to jump, but there was this rustling in the bushes beside me, and I thought it was Koki, so I slipped and fell. And I assure you, nothing is more crazy than falling off a cliff and landing in some cold ass water. Unpleasant.
I was in shock or something, so I barely registered Pi rescuing me and berating me as he dragged me onto the beach. I was too focused on him giving me mouth to mouth, but then I coughed up a bunch of water all over his face and he stopped.
“Is he here yet?” I asked, delirious as all get out.
“No,” Pi said. “And if he comes, I'm staking him.”
Love triangles, man, that shit is messy.
-
I was recovering in bed, and Charlie once again didn't think there was anything wrong. I guess he was into the hands off kind of parenting thing, especially since I wasn't actually his kid. As long as I didn't blow up his house, he tended to leave me alone.
The phone rang, and I didn't know who it was, but Pi told them that I was dead and not to come back to Forks because they'd already had my funeral and stuff. That was a bit much, but it usually got the Marine recruiters to back off.
“Who was on the phone?” I asked, hoping that Pi would bring some soup and feed it to me. He didn't.
“Kamenashi,” he said. “I'm going home.”
Ah, shit.
-
A few days later, there was another fucking vampire in my bedroom, but thankfully it wasn't that crazy eyes Koki. It was Nakamaru looking really pissed off about something. “What the hell do you want?” I asked him.
He tossed me one of my hats. “We're going to Italy.”
“The fuck?”
“Because you thought jumping off a cliff was a good plan and your buddy said you were dead, you've convinced Kame that he has no reason to live. Now he's going to vampire headquarters to try and show the world that we exist. Selfish. But yeah, he figures the VIPs are gonna rip him apart if he tries to spill the beans.”
So I'd driven Kamenashi to suicide or something? Well, that was kind of awful. I couldn't just let him die without at least fucking him once. Pi was right. This was a really strange relationship I had with Kame. “But he left me,” I pointed out. “He dumped my ass.”
Nakamaru sighed. “He was trying to protect you or something. Don't ask me how his brain works because I gave up decades ago. Some of us are perfectly happy being normal vampires. But he's still my only friend in the country so I should probably help him. Come on, we have to go.”
Since Nakamaru had sprung for plane tickets, I figured he wasn't tricking me or trying to use this as an excuse to kill me. Especially with the way they tack on baggage fees and fuel taxes and shit. We flew to Italy, and fuck, was that a boring flight. Nakamaru was practicing beatboxing or something because when you're dead for that many years, you take up some strange hobbies. So I didn't sleep and they showed the new Sex and the City movie and those broads weren't even worth wanking over.
All I knew was that if I saved Kame's vampire life, it had to be a one-way ticket to sex.
-
Nakamaru rented some car and drove like a grandmother with cataracts. “Isn't Kamenashi trying to kill himself?” I asked, sick of the guy's sparkly rock formation of a face. “Can't you drive faster?”
“And get myself a speeding ticket? No way, man.”
Every time I thought I wanted Kame to bite me and turn me into a vampire, I just thought about Nakamaru and Kame himself and figured that being a vampire turned people into neurotic bitches. I didn't really think it was the lifestyle choice for me.
We made it to some town Volterra, and Nakamaru was bitching about trying to find a perfect parking spot, so I left him alone and went looking for Kame. It wasn't going to be that hard to find a glittery dude who made a coat rack look fat.
There was a central square, and I ran in search of my stupid excuse for a soulmate. I could smell pasta and olive oil and fresh bread, and it was so hard not to stop. But I saw Kame lurking in an alley in some gay cape, looking ready to show the world that he turned into a disco ball in the sunlight.
I tackled him to the ground before he went and got himself ripped to pieces. “You fucking douche!” I shouted in his face. “Suicide is for extremely gifted musicians and shamed samurai. You aren't either of those things, so stop this shit.”
“Jin?” he asked, getting all glassy eyed. “That neanderthal friend of yours said you died!”
“He's a werewolf, not a caveman.”
“What?”
I helped Kame to his feet, and when I went to kiss him, he hugged me instead. It was a touching moment, I guess, and I was happy to see him. He looked pretty haggard, but that was par for the course with him, and he was still hot underneath it all.
Our reunion was interrupted though by some douche with a big smile. “Hey Kamenashi, you weren't doing something stupid were you?”
It was another vampire, and he looked kind of slow. Like airhead blonde slow. Kame stood in front of me once the vampire smelled human food. “Hello Aiba. We were just leaving.”
But Aiba grabbed hold of Kame and smiled again. “Oh, now you didn't come all this way just to leave. Come on, I made curry. Everyone wants to talk to you.”
“Who's everyone?” I asked, because curry didn't sound half bad.
“The Volturri. The head vampires,” Kame whispered as Aiba shoved us through a door and then through an alleyway before we ended up in some gay looking temple underground. There were rainbows and clouds and butterflies painted everywhere, and I told myself that I wouldn't question Kame's masculinity for at least another month after seeing that shit.
There were three more vampires sitting on sparkly chairs in the main room. The one in the middle had big teeth, the one to his left was picking his nose and the one on his right was more fabulous looking than Beyonce crossed with Liberace. Kame introduced them as Sakurai, Ohno and Matsumoto. Why the fuck were they all Japanese? Did our homeland just breed pretty, sparkly emo boys?
“We've heard about your plan,” Sakurai said, shaking his head at Kame. “We can't have you exposing our existence. It becomes a lot harder to make venture capital investments or participate in hedge funds if the banks know we're bloodsucking dead people. You know that.”
Ohno blew a snot bubble.
“Look,” Kame said, backpedaling. “I made a mistake. It was an emotional thing, really. But I found my soulmate guy here...”
“A human,” Matsumoto grumbled. “A fat one.”
“I'm not fat,” I protested.
“I found him,” Kame interrupted me, “and now we're going back home. Really, we won't interfere with your business interests again, I swear.”
“Stop.” There was the voice of another vampire, a short one who walked in without even looking away from his handheld game while he moved. “Words aren't enough.”
“Who's that little shit?” I whispered to Kame.
“I'm Nino,” he replied, hearing me just fine. “Apologize by giving us your girlfriend.” He tapped his stylus against the screen and then waved it wildly, sending Kame flying against the marble wall, denting one of their rainbows. Aiba clapped his hands like a little boy.
I hurried over to Kame. His friends here were real dicks. “What's wrong with you guys?”
“Unless he's got plans to turn you,” Matsumoto explained, “he's not supposed to be banging your fat ass.”
“Stop calling me fat, already.” And little did that fruity vampire know, but Kame and I hadn't actually had sex yet. A fact that kept ringing in my head now that we were in this creepy rainbow lair.
“Don't...” Kame protested, squeezing my hand. “Don't piss them off...you don't think when you talk...”
I stood up anyway. “Look. It just so happens that Kamenashi here is like, my one and only. Or something.” They seemed to view every relationship in terms of forever and ever anyhow, which kind of cramped my style. “He's totally going to turn me into one of you homos the second I graduate from high school.”
“Akanishi, shut the fuck up,” Kamenashi hissed.
“Really?” Aiba asked. “Nino, don't kill him. It would be fun to have a fat vampire running around.”
“Jesus Christ, I am not fat!”
Nino walked up, and I could hear Mario jumping and getting the mushroom. “I'll read his mind, make sure he's telling the truth.”
Oh shit, now that was a problem. Because I didn't particularly want to be a vampire like Kame and these idiots. I was just trying to save my ass. Nino grabbed hold of my hair and cocked his head as if he was trying to sense what was going on in my brain by osmosis or some shit.
“Stop, leave him alone,” Kame whined.
Nino stepped back, dropping his video game on the ground. It made even that snotty nosed Ohno gasp, and he hadn't otherwise made a noise since we'd arrived. “I...I can't read it.”
“The hell?” Matsumoto cried. “But you can read anyone.”
“Apparently not,” Nino grumbled, scowling at me. The room turned extremely quiet before Sakurai called everybody over to their sparkly thrones. The five rainbow party vampires had a little powwow, looking over at me constantly as they stood close like a bunch of girls and chattered away. Finally, they came to some sort of consensus.
“It appears,” Sakurai said, “that your friend here is quite unique, Kamenashi. And that's something we may find valuable. So long as you promise to make him one of us, then you are free to go. But if you deceive us...”
“I won't,” Kame said, and I helped him to his feet. Wow, it was kind of amazing that my fucking empty head had shocked the vampires into thinking I was some kind of god beyond their comprehension. It felt good to be awesome since few other people ever acknowledged that quality in me.
Aiba held out a Tupperware tub when we reached the exit. “Curry for the road?”
I accepted it. The food on the plane had been shit anyhow.
Nakamaru met us right when we emerged from the inner sanctum, looking incredibly annoyed. “I'm double parked, so we need to get the fuck out of here.”
-
Kamenashi seemed happy that I was alive, although he didn't know what the fuck I was on about when I told him I'd been seeing him over and over. He assumed I'd been on drugs and wouldn't talk about it. I snuggled up next to him for the plane ride home though, “accidentally” resting my hand on top of his crotch for most of the Atlantic crossing. He seemed to like that at least and only shoved me away when I tried to unzip him.
I felt bad that I'd led Pi on since he was a great guy, really hot and wasn't a bitch like Kame could be. But again, what could I say? I guess I preferred having “It's Complicated” as my relationship status on Facebook.
-
When we got back to Forks, Kame begrudgingly admitted that leaving me had been a stupid fucking plan. Charlie hadn't even noticed I'd been gone, and I guess that was for the best.
I went to take a piss in the middle of the night and when I came back, Kame was in my bed with the covers up to his chin. I smiled. “Are you naked under there? You sleep naked right?”
He nodded. Before I could launch myself at the bed, he held up a hand. “Because this whole thing was my fault, you get one.”
“One what?”
“You can touch it. Once. Then I'm putting my pants back on and going home.”
I tilted my head and raised my eyebrows. “Can I touch it with my mouth?”
Kame narrowed his eyes at me. “Akanishi...”
“Okay, okay,” I said, pulling up the covers and sliding in beside him. I giggled a little as soon as my t-shirt and boxers brushed against his skinny vampire nudity. I set my hand down on his hip, inching my fingers slowly over. His skin was chilly, but it felt nice after so long. I guess I'm more sentimental than I'm willing to admit.
I took advantage as soon as I made contact, wrapping my hand around him and giving a sudden jerk. He cried out like a bitch, but he didn't leave the bed. I guess it had been a long time for him too, and it wasn't like he'd had a Yamapi to kiss and snuggle with in the interim. He was just as deprived as me.
“Can I?” I asked, nuzzling his neck. He made some girly whimper that I took to mean it was okay, and I jerked him off, figuring that since he was mega strong and undead that I could be a little rougher than I usually was on myself. We kissed, and he kept whimpering, and I swear, it was a lot hotter than it sounds.
His cock was rock hard and decently sized, if I had to compare to myself. Since I'm huge and all. He bit my bottom lip and sucked like he had so many months ago, and I put up with the pain because after all this time, I was finally going to hear what a vampire sounded like when he came.
Well, sorry to burst any bubbles here, but he didn't break my neck or howl like a psycho or anything. He just gasped wordlessly, smearing blood against my chin and came in my hand and onto my t-shirt. Another question down - yes, vampires come, and it's kind of cold. Not like jizzing icicles or anything, but it was different at least.
I was hard too, figuring that once he calmed down he'd reciprocate. But instead he just kissed me and said “thanks” before sliding out of my bed and grabbing his jeans. He went commando, if you were curious, by the way.
So that was how he left me, his strangely cold cum on my fingers and my bedsheets, but it wasn't a total loss. I was one step closer. Handjobs were second base right? Or third? Whatever. He left with a smile, and I finally admitted it to myself.
Kamenashi was a big fucking loser who listened to Coldplay, but he was packing and whispered my name adorably when I yanked on his cock.
Maybe we really were soulmates.
Rating: R
Characters/Pairings: Akanishi Jin/Kamenashi Kazuya; Akanishi Jin/Yamashita Tomohisa
Summary: My quest to bang a vampire had gone unfulfilled as junior year came to a close in Forks, Washington
Notes/Warnings: For the Happy Gay Summer fic meme, June 2010. This is part two of the Akame Twilight "saga" - and I would eventually like to write an Eclipse version. But I'd like to watch the movie first so I don't have to look through the book again. Your patience is appreciated.
Kamenashi likened me to his own personal brand of heroin. Which was a really strange fucking metaphor if you think about it. Like, heroin's all about being injected and shit but thus far he had NOT let me inject my cock into his skinny ass. So while some people would think that whole soulmate thing was romantic, it was just Kamenashi's way of continually keeping me from getting laid.
But I guess if I was Kamenashi's heroin, then Kamenashi was my Mountain Dew. Oddly colored, left you jittery and if asked to explain why you liked it, you couldn't come up with an answer.
-
My quest to bang a vampire had gone unfulfilled as junior year came to a close in Forks, Washington. Against my better judgment, I had paid one of my classmates' older brothers to buy me some good American alcohol so I would be completely wasted when I went to the exchange program website to sign on for another year abroad. Wouldn't you prefer to be drunk in a situation like that? I was literally signing away another year of my life just because I had this idea in my head that I could get Kame to put out.
Then again, my old high school in Tokyo had let me know that none of the credits I'd earned over here would transfer anyhow, so finishing up in No Child Left Behind land was the reality of things anyhow. I registered on the website, feeling ready to barf up all this Boone's Farm shit the guy had bought for me. I could kind of sense an uppity bitch at close range, so I turned around to find Kame laying on my bed behind me.
“Staying for senior year, huh?” he asked, examining my plushie hippo with disdain. “Is that the wisest course of action, Jin? Don't you hate living in Forks?”
“Seriously, why the fuck are you in my room? When did you even get here?”
He poked the hippo in the plastic eyeball. “Oh, I'm always in here. I watch you sleep, you know.”
I didn't know that. Creepy fuck. I turned back to my computer and signed out now that my registration had gone through. The Boone's Farm was useless. No buzz.
“I'll have to get a cross to wear to bed then,” I told him. “If I stay another year, my English will get better. I could get a job here after graduation. Well, not here here, but America here.”
Kame sat up, crossing his legs. “You're staying for me, aren't you? It's like we're tethered. Connected. Shackled with chains of love.”
“I wouldn't go that far,” I said, turning in my chair. Maybe I just didn't want to admit that it was partially true. Kame was really one of the only good things about Forks, just like Kame's ass in skinny jeans was one of the only good things about Forks.
“It's your birthday next month right?” he asked. “I'll throw you a party. It's not like I have a birthday anymore or anything.”
Well, the idea of a party perked me up. Booze, maybe a stripper popping out of a cake, and more booze. How much booze would it take to get a vampire drunk? It was the perfect opportunity. “July 4th. I know it's a big holiday and stuff here, but we could do something. Just you and me.”
Kame actually smiled, which always creeped me out. He was far more himself when he was sullen and grouchy. “Really? I'll get you something nice.”
Hopefully the something nice would be a bottle of KY and some Durex. I just nodded. At least having a party to look forward to would make June in Forks go by a lot faster.
-
Charlie was giving me suspicious looks as I borrowed his cologne and started dousing myself with it. Maybe it would make me even more enticing to Kame, I thought. I tugged on my belt loop to hold my pants away from my body and prepared to spritz up my junk when he ordered me out of his room.
“Don't know or care who you're thinking of sticking your johnson in tonight, son,” Charlie complained, “but just don't knock any girls up, okay? I've got a reputation to maintain in town.”
If only the dumb ass knew I was dating a vampire. A guy vampire. “It's my birthday, you know,” I told him, wondering if he gave a shit.
He didn't, shoving me towards the front door. “I've got to keep a bunch of kids from blowing their hands off with firecrackers tonight, so just get going.”
Kame was waiting in front of the house with his stupid Volvo. Charlie probably thought that Kame and I were going cruising for pussy in Port Angeles or something. It might have been the better decision in the end since Kame drove me to his fancy ass house in the woods. He'd decorated the whole place with streamers and heart-shaped decorations. It was really gay.
And of course, since I'd specifically asked to spend the evening alone with Kame, he'd invited two of his stupid vampire friends. Nakamaru, who I'd met in the spring, was there sucking down a juice box that I assumed had been replaced with blood. I guess he'd forgiven Kame for dating me or else he just didn't want to end up staked and burnt up like Junno. The other one I hadn't met, but his name was Ueda and he was ready to hang himself with one of Kame's streamers, he looked so bored.
“Now play nice with the human tonight,” Kame begged his fellow undead weirdos. “It's his birthday. It's special.”
I opened the cooler and found can after can of fucking Fresca. No beer, no alone time. I couldn't even see a cake. What the fuck was this party? “We don't have to sing, do we?” Nakamaru asked. “Because that's not happening.”
“Why didn't you invite any of his friends?” Ueda asked Kame.
I was going to interject something about study abroad and everyone I knew living in Tokyo, but Kame just laughed and said “Jin has no other friends.”
Dick. I was never forgiving him for this freaking abortion of a party. I wanted to go home and see how easy it was to revoke the study abroad thing. I didn't really need a high school diploma, did I?
Kame wrapped his bony arm around my shoulders. “Got your present,” he said, and since he wasn't pulling his pants off in mixed company, I knew immediately it wasn't a present that I wanted. He pulled a jewel case from inside his jacket and slipped it between my fingers. “It's got some great songs,” he explained. “You're always listening to awful stuff, so I put some Coolio on here. I think there's some Nickelback and Coldplay. Meaningful lyrics, strong messages. None of that bitch and ho music you're always trying to play in my car.”
Ueda had to turn away to not laugh in Kame's face, and Nakamaru just shook his head and downed another sip of A negative Juicy Juice. It was really obvious how out of touch Kame was when even his lame vampire friends were making fun of him.
“You made me a mix CD,” I said, noticing that he'd markered 'Jin + Kame = Forever' on the disc itself.
“Do you like it?” he asked, in a voice that implied that he would burst into tears if I told him it was a super shitty gift.
If I told the truth, I was alone in a room with three vampires, and I smelled delicious. If I lied, maybe I could still get Kame to put out once Nakamaru and Ueda fucked off to go kill people in Seattle or something. But he'd probably want to have the CD playing while we got busy. I was pretty screwed no matter what I did.
I tried to open the CD case, but it cracked. “Shit,” I muttered, accidentally slicing my pinky on a jagged piece of plastic. One drop of blood was all it took. Before I knew what was going on, I was on my back, and scrawny little Ueda the vampire was all up in my grill and just about to bite down on my jugular.
“Get off of him!” Kame screeched, and the weight lifted. Kame and Ueda got into the vampire equivalent of a bitch fight, slapping at one another and pulling on each other's oh so pretty hair. “Jin's mine!”
Nakamaru ran out of the house screaming about trying to go vegetarian, and I just tried to get my breath back. If anyone was going to be biting me, it was going to be Kame, and the realization of that kind of masochistic shit made me want to throw up in my mouth. Kame finally subdued Ueda by kicking him in his vampire nuts.
Ueda howled, clutching his balls as he fell to his knees. Kame was awfully good at protecting me, I realized. “Get out of my house!” Kame cried. “Get out get out get out!”
I wondered if Kame was always alienating his fellow vampires. Maybe this was why he lived alone, kept enrolling himself in school and still thought Coolio was relevant. Ueda left in a huff, kicking over the cooler full of Fresca as one last fuck you to my boyfriend.
Kame tried to pick me up, and I shrugged him off. “It's a fucking cut. Not a broken leg again, ease up, man.”
“He could have killed you, Jin,” Kame said, “I don't know what I'd do if you were dead.”
Well, he'd probably be just as miserable and weird, but with fewer makeout sessions. I felt something poking me in the ass, and I let Kame get me on my feet. Somehow, I'd landed on the stupid mix CD, and it was cracked completely in half. The night had not been a total waste.
“Well, I'm not dead. So...” I leaned forward, and Kame shoved me away when I tried to grab at his crotch.
“I'm taking you home.”
I rolled my eyes. Shitty party, shitty birthday, shitty boyfriend. He drove me back to Charlie's, bitching the whole time about how long he'd sat with his iTunes open hand picking songs. I told him not to worry about it. I had almost died after all, so I was happier to be breathing than worrying about his stupid Nickelback shit.
We made out in the car for a few minutes, but he just wasn't into it. I tried doing something special with my tongue in his mouth, and he just shoved me off. “I'll talk to you later,” he said.
“Whatever, man.” I slammed the car door shut. It was my birthday, and no dick but my own to entertain me. Hell, I was even down for some tits at that point. No dice.
-
Kame showed up the next day, sparkling a bit in the faint sunlight like a reject from RuPaul's Drag Race. “We need to have a talk, Jin.”
Another talk? We'd done way too much talking lately. If he had another fucking CD in his jacket pocket, I was going to break up with him and go home. But of course, because he was Kamenashi and the world seemed to revolve around his glittery vampire ass, he dumped me first.
We were walking through the woods, and it wasn't like I had a compass so I was totally turned around and lost. Not to mention distracted because maybe he was taking me out here for a makeup handjob. We got to a clearing, and he settled his hands on my shoulders.
“Akanishi, I'm leaving Forks.”
“Fantastic,” I said, thinking I was calling his bluff. “Maybe I can go back home and date someone who actually appreciates my slutty willingness to try anything.”
“No,” he said, squeezing a little harder. His thumbs were precariously close to drifting down toward my collarbone. And that's just a fucking end game right there. I can't control what I'm ticklish about, alright? “I'm leaving Forks for good. You almost got killed last night. I can't be with you if it's just going to keep putting you in harm's way. It's not fair to force you to stay with me.”
“Wait, what? You're dumping ME here? You?” I sputtered. It was hitting me harder than I realized. I mean, I did sort of like him in that 'he always made me feel like an idiot but he still made out like a fucking champion' kind of way.
And now I was locked in to another year in Forks, the bank transfer had gone through, Charlie had cashed his first check from my parents, and what was the fucking point of Forks if Kame wasn't in it? Who the fuck was I supposed to copy my math homework from?
“Goodbye,” he said, brushing his lips against mine quickly and slipping another fucking jewel case in my hand. “This one's got some Death Cab on it. And don't come looking for me. You won't find me.”
I collapsed to my knees, clutching the CD full of pretentious douche music as he ran off with his ridiculous vampire speed.
“You fucking prick,” I blubbered. He'd abandoned me. Me, the guy who had spent the past several months offering to fuck his emo vampire angst away. Kamenashi stocked Fresca at a party. Fresca. And yet I was the one sitting in the woods all alone. What the fuck was I doing in Washington?
-
August
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September
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October
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November
-
December
-
So I wasn't like, completely depressed for all those months. I'm not some girl, okay? But you probably didn't want to hear about me crying and jacking off to the James Blunt tracks on Kame's CD, did you? Because I did that and I'm not fucking proud of it. What the hell had Kamenashi done to me? Maybe he'd worked some undead voodoo on me to make me miss him or something, I don't know. But the first semester of senior year had been rather unremarkable.
Girls hit on me, I touched their tits behind the bleachers and felt nothing. There was a Homecoming dance, I stayed home and set stuff on fire in the yard. There were papers written and math tests and Charlie got me a job cutting grass at the old folks' home, but once winter came and it was snowing, I was bored again. This sense of boredom made me like a zombie, and it was really fucking sad.
By the time January rolled around, all I was doing for entertainment was napping and sneaking booze from Charlie's liquor cabinet. I occasionally got baked and watched Dora the Explorer (I learned a lot of Spanish that way, don't even judge). Finally, there was a knock at the door one afternoon after school while Charlie was off doing his cop shit. It was a face I hadn't seen in a while, probably because with all the Kame shit I'd been dealing with, I'd forgotten that I actually had another friend here in Washington.
“You look terrible,” Yamapi said, shaking his head at me. “How come we never hang out?”
My hair had gotten really long and instead of the whole using a hairbrush thing, I'd taken to shoving it all under a hat. And when the hat was off, it was some Sideshow Bob mess, so it was best I left the hat on. Anyway, it had been a while since Pi had stalked me at the dance and he looked different.
“You been lifting or something?” I asked him, because even with his t-shirt on, he was looking a lot more built than last time.
He looked down at himself, and I swear, he had tits. Okay, well not tits tits, but like the kind of tits a guy gets when he takes a bunch of supplements from GNC and bench presses cars and shit. “Oh. Well. Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
It was a vague answer, but Yamapi was a vague sort of guy. Like where I'm a retarded kind of shy, he was just an oblivious kind of shy, so I didn't really think much about his answer. Because he probably hadn't either. I agreed to hang out with Pi, who had just come into possession of two motorcycles. I'd spent so long cooped up in the house that I was pudgy and lazy, so maybe doing a little joy riding would lift my spirits. Fucking Kamenashi.
We got to the rez, and he was working in his stepdad's garage. The Native American guy was officially Pi's stepdad now since his mom had married him. I asked him if the dad adopted him if he'd get some badass Indian name, but he wasn't sure. I suggested “Eyes Like Tar Pits,” and he told me to fuck off.
The motorcycles were in pretty awful shape, and I hadn't taken auto shop at Forks High on account of me having no ambitions of working at Jiffy Lube after graduation like a lot of my classmates. But Pi's stepdad had taught him some mechanical shit, and since Pi was quiet, he seemed to like sitting around and fixing things because it meant nobody would talk to him.
So it got me out of the house more. I handed Pi the tools he asked for and listened to good music (not that fucking awful CD from Kame) while he fixed up the bikes, put on some new tires, fiddled with the gears. He didn't bother to explain what he was doing, which was fine because I didn't really care. I just wanted to ride the damn thing. It's like how I don't think too hard about how they make the little buns for White Castle hamburgers - so long as the end result is something worth eating at 2 AM after a little bit of Dora, I don't need to know all the details.
-
By the end of February, Pi had both of the bikes in a rideable condition, and I was excited. And you have to understand, life had been so fucking boring in Forks that I hadn't actually been excited about anything since the summer. Even masturbating was starting to lose its allure.
We took the bikes out to a more isolated part of the rez, seeing as how neither of us were American citizens and really weren't supposed to be driving anyhow. Charlie only let me use his shitty truck because it meant he didn't have to drive me anywhere himself. Pi showed me how to stay balanced, how to turn it on, how to accelerate, brake, all that shit I knew how to do because I'd played video games before, come on.
He pointed down the road. “Take it slow, go to where the road branches and turn around.”
“Fuck you,” I told him, taking off. “I'm not riding like some bitch.”
It felt good to have the wind in my face. It definitely woke me up, and since it was winter, I didn't really have to worry about getting any bugs stuck in my teeth. I was so focused on avoiding patches of ice that when I looked up, I saw Kamenashi standing in the middle of the path looking at me like I'd staked his vampire grandma with a pair of scissors.
“Whoa!” I shouted in an extremely manly and not at all screechy way, swerving quickly to avoid him. I fell off the bike hard, hearing it keep sliding down the road. Where had Kamenashi gone? I couldn't see him. All I knew was that I'd torn up my side pretty hard in the fall.
I heard another motorcycle, and in moments, Pi was by my side worrying like he was my mom. Although he stopped reminding me of my mom fairly quickly as he took off his t-shirt to stop the bleeding. “Damn Jin, I told you to go slow, you stupid piece of shit. You could have died.”
I had to admit, it was nice that Yamapi didn't sparkle for one and for two, he was mega built and it was quite the sight to see after months of imagining Kame's pointy ribs when I jacked off. “I saw Kame,” I told him. “He was in the road.”
“Are you high? I told you not to smoke up before you came here.”
“I'm not high,” I protested, letting him sit me up. He just stared at me in that Yamapi way - eyes vacant, face blank. I just had the sixth sense to know it meant he was disappointed in me. It also felt good to be held by him because he was warm like a kotatsu back home and I was pretty fucking lonely. And I'm not using lonely as a euphemism for horny either. It had been a rough few months.
“I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, Jin,” Yamapi admitted. “Who else would I speak Japanese with?”
He went and retrieved the other bike. He drove me home and tucked me in, and when he left, I started to wonder if it was worth entering a rebound relationship. He was hot after all. But seeing Kame in the road had to mean something, right? Months of sitting on my ass, and I didn't have any fucking visions, but as soon as I was doing something colossally retarded, there he was judging me.
-
I started experimenting. And not like drug experimenting, but trying to see if I could get Kame to appear kind of experimenting. Getting high didn't bring Kame around - I guess he just expected me to do stuff like that. I went to sign up for the army, and when I got to the recruiter's office, I saw Kame again. But he vanished as soon as I blinked. And thankfully, I hadn't signed up for the army. I also ordered a Double Down from KFC and saw Kame shaking his head, so I threw it in the trash.
So I pinned it down. It was doing stuff that would probably get me killed. Getting high wouldn't, but fighting in a war or eating fast food probably would. Maybe it was like some psychic shit, and if I really wanted to see him, I had to piss him off enough to have him come home. And then we would fuck and life would be amazing again. I had to admit, I was quite the genius to figure this shit out.
Pi had started acting strangely. Whenever I asked to go riding, he'd make up some bitch excuse about the rez trying to decide if they wanted to build a casino and how he wanted to be at the meetings. Asshole. How the fuck else was I going to get Kame to come back? Or of lesser importance, how would I be able to hint that I wanted to make out with Pi if I couldn't see him? It was fucking lame.
I decided to go back to that meadow where Kame and I had first made out in hopes of being able to summon him. I didn't exactly know how that worked, so I brought about fourteen Taco Bell chalupas and a Ouija Board with me in hopes that he'd come back.
I bit into a chalupa and set the Ouija board up in the grass. “Alright, you skinny motherfucker,” I shouted, spitting lettuce and sour cream. “Each of these things has like four hundred calories, and I'm really hungry!”
I went through about six chalupas and was ready to give up when I heard some noise from the woods. I turned and saw someone charging at me, but it wasn't Kame shaped. It was sparkling though, so it had to be a vampire. He'd changed his hair since last time, but he still had his fingernails painted like a fairy.
“You got Junno killed, you fat bitch!” Koki screeched at me, and I tried to defend myself by flinging a chalupa at him. But since he was a vampire, he dodged it.
He was just about to get me when there was this ridiculously loud howl from the forest. Koki turned, and I watched in complete shock as this pack of huge dogs or wolves or whatever the fuck chased him off.
I packed up my Ouija board. Fuck that noise, I really didn't want to die. One of the dog wolf things came back though before I could leave the meadow. He looked at me, and there was something almost creepily familiar about how dark his eyes were. And it was when the dog wolf started nuzzling my crotch that I almost shit my pants.
“Pi?” I asked, again in an utterly manly way. “Pi, is that you?”
There was this popping noise like when you pop a whole bunch of bubble wrap at one time, and suddenly, Pi was buck naked and at my feet. I was so surprised that my only remaining friend (a friend I wanted to kiss with tongue, mind you) was some freak that I passed out and didn't even get to check out his cock.
-
I woke up in my bed, and Pi was sitting beside me. Unfortunately, he'd put his clothes back on. I sat up and stared at him. “Dude. Seriously. Dude...”
He nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
Yamapi went on to explain that his tribe turned into werewolves as some defense mechanism against vampires or some shit. And since he'd been living with them for so long, he caught whatever fucking werewolf STD they were carrying so now he transformed too. No wonder he hated Kame so much.
He joined me in bed, which I wasn't entirely against. He held me all gentle like and it was quite nice. Kame never fucking cuddled. “It's because of that vampire asshole that his friends are hunting you down,” Pi explained. “I just want to keep you safe. Because I care about you.”
“And because I speak Japanese,” I pointed out.
He nodded. “Yep.”
It was nice to know that I had Pi and his buddies watching out for me, but it was kind of weird to know that the buff guy in bed with me could transform into a giant dog. I hoped he wouldn't transform and try to hump me or something. Vampires, check. Hot guys, check. Bestiality, no. I had limits. The only doggie style I was down for was between two consenting humans.
I got a boner anyway (you would too) and smiled at Pi. “Wanna make out?”
He blushed and said “sure” and kissing Pi was way different from Kame. For one, Kame tended to make all these noises which, while hot, kept reminding me that he was more complaining than horny because he wanted to suck my blood. But Pi was a big cuddly teddy bear, and let me be as aggressive as I wanted to be. It was nice, and I didn't feel like I was going to break him when I rolled us so I was on top of him.
He took off his shirt, and I kissed every bit of tanned skin I could. He was a lot hotter when he closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the pillows. He was hard, I was hard. Fucking finally. I was going to get some.
But no, of course I saw HIM standing at the side of the bed, judging like a jealous little bitch. “Kame,” I muttered while Pi was trying to suck on my bottom lip. Of course, Kamenashi vanished and Pi looked rather depressed, since he obviously thought I was calling him Kame.
He stopped and moved me off of him. “I'm going home.”
Fucking Kamenashi. “Wait,” I said as Pi headed to the window, I guess to climb out of it instead of using the stairs and doors like normal people. “He was here.”
Pi frowned. “I really like you. So maybe when you stop trying to see his douchey Dracula ass we can do this again. See ya.”
He left, and boy, was I pissed off. Kamenashi couldn't just keep astrally projecting himself whenever I was trying to get some. I was going to confront him, and this time I wasn't going to pussy out.
-
There was this cliff down by the ocean, and this was a quicker way of putting myself in harm's way than OD'ing on chalupas. Heart disease took a while, I figured. I stood at the edge, not really looking forward to jumping off and praying that I didn't land on a pointy rock or in a shark's mouth or something. I just had to do something so completely retarded that Kame would come back. And then we would do it.
So I was preparing to jump, but there was this rustling in the bushes beside me, and I thought it was Koki, so I slipped and fell. And I assure you, nothing is more crazy than falling off a cliff and landing in some cold ass water. Unpleasant.
I was in shock or something, so I barely registered Pi rescuing me and berating me as he dragged me onto the beach. I was too focused on him giving me mouth to mouth, but then I coughed up a bunch of water all over his face and he stopped.
“Is he here yet?” I asked, delirious as all get out.
“No,” Pi said. “And if he comes, I'm staking him.”
Love triangles, man, that shit is messy.
-
I was recovering in bed, and Charlie once again didn't think there was anything wrong. I guess he was into the hands off kind of parenting thing, especially since I wasn't actually his kid. As long as I didn't blow up his house, he tended to leave me alone.
The phone rang, and I didn't know who it was, but Pi told them that I was dead and not to come back to Forks because they'd already had my funeral and stuff. That was a bit much, but it usually got the Marine recruiters to back off.
“Who was on the phone?” I asked, hoping that Pi would bring some soup and feed it to me. He didn't.
“Kamenashi,” he said. “I'm going home.”
Ah, shit.
-
A few days later, there was another fucking vampire in my bedroom, but thankfully it wasn't that crazy eyes Koki. It was Nakamaru looking really pissed off about something. “What the hell do you want?” I asked him.
He tossed me one of my hats. “We're going to Italy.”
“The fuck?”
“Because you thought jumping off a cliff was a good plan and your buddy said you were dead, you've convinced Kame that he has no reason to live. Now he's going to vampire headquarters to try and show the world that we exist. Selfish. But yeah, he figures the VIPs are gonna rip him apart if he tries to spill the beans.”
So I'd driven Kamenashi to suicide or something? Well, that was kind of awful. I couldn't just let him die without at least fucking him once. Pi was right. This was a really strange relationship I had with Kame. “But he left me,” I pointed out. “He dumped my ass.”
Nakamaru sighed. “He was trying to protect you or something. Don't ask me how his brain works because I gave up decades ago. Some of us are perfectly happy being normal vampires. But he's still my only friend in the country so I should probably help him. Come on, we have to go.”
Since Nakamaru had sprung for plane tickets, I figured he wasn't tricking me or trying to use this as an excuse to kill me. Especially with the way they tack on baggage fees and fuel taxes and shit. We flew to Italy, and fuck, was that a boring flight. Nakamaru was practicing beatboxing or something because when you're dead for that many years, you take up some strange hobbies. So I didn't sleep and they showed the new Sex and the City movie and those broads weren't even worth wanking over.
All I knew was that if I saved Kame's vampire life, it had to be a one-way ticket to sex.
-
Nakamaru rented some car and drove like a grandmother with cataracts. “Isn't Kamenashi trying to kill himself?” I asked, sick of the guy's sparkly rock formation of a face. “Can't you drive faster?”
“And get myself a speeding ticket? No way, man.”
Every time I thought I wanted Kame to bite me and turn me into a vampire, I just thought about Nakamaru and Kame himself and figured that being a vampire turned people into neurotic bitches. I didn't really think it was the lifestyle choice for me.
We made it to some town Volterra, and Nakamaru was bitching about trying to find a perfect parking spot, so I left him alone and went looking for Kame. It wasn't going to be that hard to find a glittery dude who made a coat rack look fat.
There was a central square, and I ran in search of my stupid excuse for a soulmate. I could smell pasta and olive oil and fresh bread, and it was so hard not to stop. But I saw Kame lurking in an alley in some gay cape, looking ready to show the world that he turned into a disco ball in the sunlight.
I tackled him to the ground before he went and got himself ripped to pieces. “You fucking douche!” I shouted in his face. “Suicide is for extremely gifted musicians and shamed samurai. You aren't either of those things, so stop this shit.”
“Jin?” he asked, getting all glassy eyed. “That neanderthal friend of yours said you died!”
“He's a werewolf, not a caveman.”
“What?”
I helped Kame to his feet, and when I went to kiss him, he hugged me instead. It was a touching moment, I guess, and I was happy to see him. He looked pretty haggard, but that was par for the course with him, and he was still hot underneath it all.
Our reunion was interrupted though by some douche with a big smile. “Hey Kamenashi, you weren't doing something stupid were you?”
It was another vampire, and he looked kind of slow. Like airhead blonde slow. Kame stood in front of me once the vampire smelled human food. “Hello Aiba. We were just leaving.”
But Aiba grabbed hold of Kame and smiled again. “Oh, now you didn't come all this way just to leave. Come on, I made curry. Everyone wants to talk to you.”
“Who's everyone?” I asked, because curry didn't sound half bad.
“The Volturri. The head vampires,” Kame whispered as Aiba shoved us through a door and then through an alleyway before we ended up in some gay looking temple underground. There were rainbows and clouds and butterflies painted everywhere, and I told myself that I wouldn't question Kame's masculinity for at least another month after seeing that shit.
There were three more vampires sitting on sparkly chairs in the main room. The one in the middle had big teeth, the one to his left was picking his nose and the one on his right was more fabulous looking than Beyonce crossed with Liberace. Kame introduced them as Sakurai, Ohno and Matsumoto. Why the fuck were they all Japanese? Did our homeland just breed pretty, sparkly emo boys?
“We've heard about your plan,” Sakurai said, shaking his head at Kame. “We can't have you exposing our existence. It becomes a lot harder to make venture capital investments or participate in hedge funds if the banks know we're bloodsucking dead people. You know that.”
Ohno blew a snot bubble.
“Look,” Kame said, backpedaling. “I made a mistake. It was an emotional thing, really. But I found my soulmate guy here...”
“A human,” Matsumoto grumbled. “A fat one.”
“I'm not fat,” I protested.
“I found him,” Kame interrupted me, “and now we're going back home. Really, we won't interfere with your business interests again, I swear.”
“Stop.” There was the voice of another vampire, a short one who walked in without even looking away from his handheld game while he moved. “Words aren't enough.”
“Who's that little shit?” I whispered to Kame.
“I'm Nino,” he replied, hearing me just fine. “Apologize by giving us your girlfriend.” He tapped his stylus against the screen and then waved it wildly, sending Kame flying against the marble wall, denting one of their rainbows. Aiba clapped his hands like a little boy.
I hurried over to Kame. His friends here were real dicks. “What's wrong with you guys?”
“Unless he's got plans to turn you,” Matsumoto explained, “he's not supposed to be banging your fat ass.”
“Stop calling me fat, already.” And little did that fruity vampire know, but Kame and I hadn't actually had sex yet. A fact that kept ringing in my head now that we were in this creepy rainbow lair.
“Don't...” Kame protested, squeezing my hand. “Don't piss them off...you don't think when you talk...”
I stood up anyway. “Look. It just so happens that Kamenashi here is like, my one and only. Or something.” They seemed to view every relationship in terms of forever and ever anyhow, which kind of cramped my style. “He's totally going to turn me into one of you homos the second I graduate from high school.”
“Akanishi, shut the fuck up,” Kamenashi hissed.
“Really?” Aiba asked. “Nino, don't kill him. It would be fun to have a fat vampire running around.”
“Jesus Christ, I am not fat!”
Nino walked up, and I could hear Mario jumping and getting the mushroom. “I'll read his mind, make sure he's telling the truth.”
Oh shit, now that was a problem. Because I didn't particularly want to be a vampire like Kame and these idiots. I was just trying to save my ass. Nino grabbed hold of my hair and cocked his head as if he was trying to sense what was going on in my brain by osmosis or some shit.
“Stop, leave him alone,” Kame whined.
Nino stepped back, dropping his video game on the ground. It made even that snotty nosed Ohno gasp, and he hadn't otherwise made a noise since we'd arrived. “I...I can't read it.”
“The hell?” Matsumoto cried. “But you can read anyone.”
“Apparently not,” Nino grumbled, scowling at me. The room turned extremely quiet before Sakurai called everybody over to their sparkly thrones. The five rainbow party vampires had a little powwow, looking over at me constantly as they stood close like a bunch of girls and chattered away. Finally, they came to some sort of consensus.
“It appears,” Sakurai said, “that your friend here is quite unique, Kamenashi. And that's something we may find valuable. So long as you promise to make him one of us, then you are free to go. But if you deceive us...”
“I won't,” Kame said, and I helped him to his feet. Wow, it was kind of amazing that my fucking empty head had shocked the vampires into thinking I was some kind of god beyond their comprehension. It felt good to be awesome since few other people ever acknowledged that quality in me.
Aiba held out a Tupperware tub when we reached the exit. “Curry for the road?”
I accepted it. The food on the plane had been shit anyhow.
Nakamaru met us right when we emerged from the inner sanctum, looking incredibly annoyed. “I'm double parked, so we need to get the fuck out of here.”
-
Kamenashi seemed happy that I was alive, although he didn't know what the fuck I was on about when I told him I'd been seeing him over and over. He assumed I'd been on drugs and wouldn't talk about it. I snuggled up next to him for the plane ride home though, “accidentally” resting my hand on top of his crotch for most of the Atlantic crossing. He seemed to like that at least and only shoved me away when I tried to unzip him.
I felt bad that I'd led Pi on since he was a great guy, really hot and wasn't a bitch like Kame could be. But again, what could I say? I guess I preferred having “It's Complicated” as my relationship status on Facebook.
-
When we got back to Forks, Kame begrudgingly admitted that leaving me had been a stupid fucking plan. Charlie hadn't even noticed I'd been gone, and I guess that was for the best.
I went to take a piss in the middle of the night and when I came back, Kame was in my bed with the covers up to his chin. I smiled. “Are you naked under there? You sleep naked right?”
He nodded. Before I could launch myself at the bed, he held up a hand. “Because this whole thing was my fault, you get one.”
“One what?”
“You can touch it. Once. Then I'm putting my pants back on and going home.”
I tilted my head and raised my eyebrows. “Can I touch it with my mouth?”
Kame narrowed his eyes at me. “Akanishi...”
“Okay, okay,” I said, pulling up the covers and sliding in beside him. I giggled a little as soon as my t-shirt and boxers brushed against his skinny vampire nudity. I set my hand down on his hip, inching my fingers slowly over. His skin was chilly, but it felt nice after so long. I guess I'm more sentimental than I'm willing to admit.
I took advantage as soon as I made contact, wrapping my hand around him and giving a sudden jerk. He cried out like a bitch, but he didn't leave the bed. I guess it had been a long time for him too, and it wasn't like he'd had a Yamapi to kiss and snuggle with in the interim. He was just as deprived as me.
“Can I?” I asked, nuzzling his neck. He made some girly whimper that I took to mean it was okay, and I jerked him off, figuring that since he was mega strong and undead that I could be a little rougher than I usually was on myself. We kissed, and he kept whimpering, and I swear, it was a lot hotter than it sounds.
His cock was rock hard and decently sized, if I had to compare to myself. Since I'm huge and all. He bit my bottom lip and sucked like he had so many months ago, and I put up with the pain because after all this time, I was finally going to hear what a vampire sounded like when he came.
Well, sorry to burst any bubbles here, but he didn't break my neck or howl like a psycho or anything. He just gasped wordlessly, smearing blood against my chin and came in my hand and onto my t-shirt. Another question down - yes, vampires come, and it's kind of cold. Not like jizzing icicles or anything, but it was different at least.
I was hard too, figuring that once he calmed down he'd reciprocate. But instead he just kissed me and said “thanks” before sliding out of my bed and grabbing his jeans. He went commando, if you were curious, by the way.
So that was how he left me, his strangely cold cum on my fingers and my bedsheets, but it wasn't a total loss. I was one step closer. Handjobs were second base right? Or third? Whatever. He left with a smile, and I finally admitted it to myself.
Kamenashi was a big fucking loser who listened to Coldplay, but he was packing and whispered my name adorably when I yanked on his cock.
Maybe we really were soulmates.