A Film By Ninomiya Kazunari
Title: A Film By Ninomiya Kazunari
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Nino + Arashi friendship; a few pairing hints, none of which should be taken seriously!!
Summary: Nino hadn't made it into film school. When his rival from the high school A/V club wins a grant to film a movie, Nino pulls out all the stops to make a masterpiece of his own with a little help from his friends.
Notes/Warnings: A big helping of crack fic written for ninoexchange. Lots of naughty language and our favorite idiots being more idiotic than usual. AU.
Prologue
--
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...
No. Scratch that.
A few months ago in an apartment far far away from a train station.
Which necessitated the use of a bike.
Which was stolen on an important day.
Which led the bike's owner to be late for a vitally important interview for The Film School of Tokyo.
Which led the bike's owner to instead apply for employment at MOS Burger.
Which led the bike's owner to hate himself for missing that damn interview.
Which brings us to our story...
--
The Set-Up
--
Nino slammed the apartment door after him. Which wasn't the full truth of it since like most apartment doors he'd ever encountered, it opened out into the hall. So really, he pulled the apartment door closed behind him. But with emphasis. So it was close enough to slamming, he supposed.
Ohno was on their couch, burrowing in the cushions like some toejam between This Little Piggy Went To Market and This Little Piggy Stayed Home. If there was anything Nino's roommate was skilled at, it was staying home. "Did you even look for a job today?" Nino asked him.
Ohno was engrossed in what was on the television screen. A large fishing boat was riding up and down on some horrific waves, enough to turn Nino's stomach at the sight of it. The announcer was relating the dangers of fishing in these waters near the Kamchatka Peninsula, explaining how half the crew died each winter looking for six different types of salmon and occasionally crab. Ohno didn't bother to complain when Nino grabbed the remote control and turned the TV off. They'd been living together for about a year now in the apartment, a place Nino would say was barely a level beneath "Squatter" and a few levels above "You're sure this building isn't condemned?" But they lived in Tokyo, so their slumlord Kazuki-san could still charge them enough in rent that would buy the two of them a palace in some third world country.
"When you say 'did you look for a job today' does that mean today today or the 24 hour period up to this point?" Ohno inquired, jamming his pinky into his ear to hunt for wax. "Because if so, then I applied for something at 10:00 last night."
Nino pinched the bridge of his nose. Ever since his roommate had gotten laid off from the bakery (freak yeast shortage leading to downsizing), he'd done very little to contribute to their financial situation. "Satoshi, our rent was due four days ago. Where the hell is your half going to come from then?"
Ohno leaned forward, grabbing an unopened piece of mail from the table and wiggling the envelope eagerly. "Look Kazu, this one says I may already be a winner."
He snatched the envelope away and tore it in half. "This is so hopeless!" he moaned before flopping down onto the couch dramatically.
It had been a really horrible day. First, Kazuki-san had smiled his blackened-toothed smile and asked for the rent just as Nino was heading out the door. Second, he'd been on register duty all day, handling people's nasty ass money and coins that they didn't always pull out of a wallet or coin purse to drop into his palm. And worst of all, third, Yamashita had come into the restaurant.
It was bad enough that his high school A/V club rival had seen him working in the fast food industry. But no, Yamashita had happily waited at the table upstairs with his Teriyaki Chicken Burger for Nino to go on break to relay the happy news. Yamashita had just won a grant through The Kanto Region Rising Stars of Stage and Screen Foundation to make his own short film. He'd get to direct, write, and produce an original story to be screened in competition the following month.
And the twist of the knife in Nino's gut had been Yamashita's dopey-as-usual grin. "I never even wanted to direct!" Yamashita had beamed. "I guess I'm just lucky!"
It had taken all the willpower Nino possessed not to shove the remaining Teriyaki Chicken Burger in his frenemy's face. Oh yeah? Well ever since he'd been five and had seen his first Spielberg, Nino HAD wanted to direct. He'd wanted to direct so badly that he doodled storyboards in his free time for things he'd never be able to fund. He politely congratulated Yamashita on his success, painfully reminded the man that no, he had not made it into The Film School of Tokyo, and no, he didn't really have any other irons in the fire on the whole life goal thing, and oh, it smells like the fries are burning see you later bye now.
Nino related his agony to his roommate, who had potentially found an entire colony of bacteria-sized people in his ear, so lost was Ohno in his wax digging. He sighed, wondering what to do. He did have to pay Kazuki-san, and he had his own half and half of Ohno's half thanks to Ohno's dad's pachinko-winning generosity. The time had finally come. He got back to his feet, leaving Ohno to his earwax, and opened his bedroom door.
There was of course his futon and game consoles and drawers on one half of the room; the other half was covered in a cloth. Underneath, Nino knew it was stuff he wasn't supposed to touch. Stuff he had promised, even pinky swore, not to get rid of. Because a year ago, when Ohno hadn't been his roommate, Nino's roommate had been Aiba. With Nino's ambitions for film school, he had assured Aiba that he'd be staying in Tokyo so he could leave his stuff behind until he came back.
Aiba Masaki, who was a far gentler soul than Nino could ever hope to be, had set off with a mission group to Africa with the lofty goal of saving the gorillas. So off Aiba had gone, leaving Nino to tend to his shit. Nino pondered this breach of Aiba's trust - he could sell Aiba's stuff, use the money to take care of the rent and once Ohno found a job again, Nino could buy the stuff back. And really, Aiba would never know - it was the gorillas, for god's sake, they needed a hell of a lot of saving, didn't they?
He yanked the cloth off and started tallying up the goods - the furniture he'd leave for the time being, but all of Aiba's baseball cards? Getting sold. Aiba's fencing equipment from the two month period he'd wanted to be a professional fencing champion? Getting sold. Aiba's books? Hopefully getting sold. Nino wasn't sure the pawn shop guy would be that interested in a book called Bizarre Nipples of Japan's Most Popular Celebrities, but it couldn't hurt to try.
"I'm sorry, Masaki," Nino said aloud before shoving everything he could into a backpack. He dragged Ohno up from the couch and made him carry the fencing equipment, telling him it was his fault anyhow that it had come to this. Ohno had never actually met Aiba in person, but they had apparently Skype'd once or twice about apartment-related issues like fixing the circuit breaker or replacing the pilot light for the oven. Aiba had never Skype'd Nino, and for that, maybe Nino was feeling a little less guilty about selling Aiba's stuff.
They headed out the door, taking the poorly lit south stairs to avoid walking past Kazuki-san's office. It was better to risk a broken neck when the rent was as late as theirs was. They made it to the pawn shop just past the sleazy bar (the neighborhood wasn't the best), and to Nino's surprise, some of Aiba's baseball cards turned out to be rare.
"Maybe we shouldn't sell them," Satoshi pointed out. "They might have sentimental value."
Nino thought of Aiba living in a hut in the African jungle. He'd probably use the baseball cards to help light a campfire anyhow if they were in his possession, so he nodded and sold them. But now he had enough for four months' rent! Normally, Nino was a saver. He wasn't exactly in a job that allowed for much of it, and the thought of putting these earnings in the mattress and letting them stay there was a tempting one.
But then he spied the camera equipment on another shelf, and all he could think of was Yamashita's stupid face and his stupid Teriyaki Chicken Burger and his stupid grant from The Kanto Region Rising Stars of Stage and Screen Foundation.
Ohno shook his head. "Nino...what are you going to do?"
Nino smirked, fanning the bills out on the greasy, fingerprinted pawn shop counter. "I think I'm going to make a movie."
--
Kazuki-san had slunk off, pleased with Ohno and Nino's monetary offering for at least the next twenty-five or so days. Nino had set all the equipment out on the living room floor while Ohno half-watched him do it, half-focused on another fishing documentary.
He already had iMovie on his computer and he could illegally download anything else, so editing would be easy enough, but Aiba's baseball cards had bought him a video camera that shot digital and a microphone to capture the actors' voices. He'd already hired Ohno on as his crew so at least he could have someone holding the boom mic while he shot footage.
Once he'd tinkered around with the equipment he dug around in his room until he found the script he'd always wanted to shoot once he was admitted to film school. He'd stashed it away once his dreams had been flushed down the crapper, but now that he'd found his potentially last chance, he had to do it.
While Ohno helped draw some storyboards (he was a lot better than Nino at it, anyhow), Nino typed up a casting call. Posting around the neighborhood would lure the undesirables he very much did not want to cast. Creating a Mixi group was pretty much the only route he could go. For now, he only needed two co-leads for location shooting. He didn't have money to rent a studio, so they'd just have to shoot on the move before anyone asked if he had a filming permit. Within an hour, his group had over 50 followers.
Tasks completed, Nino headed off for bed in a far better mood than when he'd gotten home from work. Not to mention how much less stuff was cluttering up the room. He'd show Yamashita, he vowed, as he curled up in his futon with the shooting script by his side. The casting call was for 5 PM in the park across from the Donki store.
In the morning, there was a bounce to his step, even as he pulled on his MOS Burger uniform and headed out the door. Even the sight of the Starbucks next to his place of employment didn't annoy him like it usually did. That was until the Starbucks employee who was the cause of his annoyance came out the door, his glistening J. Matsumoto nametag nearly blinding him as the morning sun reflected off of it.
"Morning, Ninomiya," J. Matsumoto, otherwise Matsumoto Jun, irritating barista said.
"No, I do not want to try the new hot tea," he said politely, trying to steer his way around him.
Matsumoto was bigger than him, imposing with his smart green Starbucks smock and overly defined facial features. Nino had interviewed at Starbucks before MOS Burger - Jun had refused to hire him because of his "surly" attitude. MOS Burger hadn't really cared. And even though Nino had failed to become an espresso crack dealer, Matsumoto seemed to think they were friends now. "You've been busy on Mixi, huh?"
Nino's spirits plummeted. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Jun-kun."
Jun smiled, the huge glistening teeth of a movie star. If Nino was passionate about directing, Matsumoto Jun was even more passionate about acting. If only he'd thought things through! He'd completely forgotten about Matsumoto's Mixi stalking tendencies. "Open call at 5 PM, right? Are there any script pages I can read in advance to prep?"
Nino crossed his arms. "I'll be honest with you. You're not what I had in mind."
"Let me prove you wrong then," Jun said, undeterred. He was the type who didn't like to lose. Ever. Which was why his giant face was on Employee of the Month plaque after Employee of the Month plaque inside the coffee shop.
The last thing he needed was Matsumoto Jun in his movie. Nino had seen him act once and only once. He'd been in some drama on TV Asahi at 3 AM playing a corpse floating in a swimming pool. Nino could have sworn he'd seen bubbles coming from his mouth. Jun was still waiting for his big break - Nino wanted his movie to be about Ninomiya Kazunari, new and upcoming director, not about Matsumoto Jun, the guy who played a corpse once.
"I wouldn't want to waste your time," Nino said quietly. "Really, it's just a small experimental project."
"Does that mean it's porn?" Jun asked, scratching his chin. "Because I don't do full frontal."
Nino blinked. "It's...it's not..." He saw Jun's eyebrows raise in hope. "Yeah. It's porn. Hardcore porn. So many dicks in this movie, Jun. Dicks everywhere. Like the AKB48 of dicks."
Jun eyed him suspiciously. "You're not lying, are you?"
He clapped Jun on the shoulder. "Would I lie to a handsome young man like you?"
"I have Caramel Macchiatos that need my special touch," Jun said with a sigh, looking back into the coffee shop. "I'll see you later."
"I hope not," Nino murmured as he headed off for his own job.
Seven hours and way too many french fries cooked later, Nino headed home, grabbed the camera equipment and Satoshi, and went to the park. He chased off some schoolchildren and set up the tripod and a folding director's chair. Ohno sat on a bench nearby, mostly because he had nothing better to do with his time. Nino checked his watch. Then checked it again. And again. And then again. Nobody showed.
His eyes narrowed. He just needed a guy and a girl. That was it. Everything else could be flippin' movie magic. He couldn't let his dream be dashed. Someone had to audition already!
It was 5:40 when Matsumoto showed up in a tight t-shirt and some woven pants and douchebag flip-flops. He removed his equally douchebag sunglasses and smiled at Nino. "Well, I see your adult movie is drawing quite a crowd." The only other soul in the park was a fat kid sitting alone on the see-saw, munching on candy and staring at Satoshi.
Nino scowled at him. "We've had several auditions already. You're late."
"Uh huh," Matsumoto said with a smile. "May I audition please?"
"But I told you already..."
"It's not porn. You wouldn't hold auditions in a public park if it's porn."
He sighed. "Alright, Jun, you can audition. I don't have script pages ready, so show me your improv skills. Monologue at me, method act at me, do whatever you weirdo actor types do." He set up the camera and hit record. "Your audition has started."
Jun hurriedly tossed his messenger bag aside, running his fingers quickly through his spiky, gelled hair. "My name is Matsumoto Jun," he said, turning beet red. "And...and my audition piece is an original work..."
"Oh god," Nino murmured in secondhand embarrassment.
He watched in increasing irritation as Jun laid down on the cement, reaching a hand up toward the sky to recite some creepy monologue about the stars and the universe and everything being connected. Nino stopped paying attention about halfway through to instead watch the well-dressed salaryman standing nervously at the edge of the playground. Was it a pervert? Was he lost?
Thankfully Jun's monologue ended, and Ohno clapped politely for him as Jun bowed. Nino turned off the record button.
"Well, what did you think?" Jun asked.
It had been almost an hour, and thus far Jun was his only auditioner. Maybe this movie would be good enough if his second actor did most of the actual acting. He begrudgingly held out his hand. "You can be in the movie. I guess."
Jun beamed from ear to ear. "Yes!" he cheered. "When do we start?"
Nino sighed. "Just show up at Ebisu Garden Place, this Saturday at 1 PM. There's a giant beer can in front of the Ebisu Brewery, we'll meet there." Nino would probably need to drink the contents of the giant beer can if he was going to film Matsumoto Jun performing his script.
"By the beer can, sounds great!" Jun grabbed his bag and headed off, giddy.
Once he'd gone, Nino was just about to pack things up when the salaryman approached. He had a well-groomed look to him. "Excuse me," he said, shifting his briefcase from hand to hand. "You're the one with the Mixi group?"
Nino nodded. Oh thank god, another actor. He could call Jun back and say he'd found a replacement. The guy opened up the briefcase, handing Nino an invoice.
"So you said you'd pay 85000 yen for the Hello Kitty collector's mug..." the man said, picking out a paper-wrapped mug before Nino realized the mistake.
"I'm sorry, man. This isn't about a Hello Kitty mug." The guy's face fell. "You might have clicked on the wrong thing? This is an audition. For a movie."
"Oh?"
Nino cocked his head. "You...collect Hello Kitty stuff?"
The guy was embarrassed enough, hurriedly shoving the mug back in his case. "What kind of movie?" he asked, his voice hitting a much higher pitch.
Come to think of it, the guy had some soft, womanly lips. He was a little droopy in the shoulder region, but he was shorter than Jun...
"It's a romance," Nino said. "A story of rich and poor. They don't let class get in the way of their love. It's beautiful, right?"
"I imagine so," Salaryman agreed.
"Did you...want to audition anyway? We're still casting."
Salaryman's eyes widened. "Really? I could be in the movie? But I've never acted before." Well, technically Jun HAD acted before, and he was awful, so what was the harm in casting a total amateur?
"The uh...the catch here..."
"Sakurai Sho," he said, bowing his head politely. "Would you like my card?"
Nino pressed his hands together as though in prayer, looking to Sakurai Sho, Salaryman and Hello Kitty Collector nervously. "The catch here is that you'd be playing the female part."
Sakurai stopped, hand around his business card. "I'm sorry, what?"
Ohno was now having a staring contest with the fat kid on the see-saw.
"The female part," Nino said, shutting his eyes. "Of course, you're a man. I can see that. My associate Ohno-san over there can see that. But that's the only part left, you see. The female role."
"I'd have to wear women's clothes? And speak in a higher register?"
"Women's clothes, yes," Nino said, surprised that Sakurai hadn't made an excuse to leave yet. "But I can fiddle with your voice on the computer, no problem."
Sakurai actually seemed deep in thought. "And what's this movie for? It's not going to end up online is it?"
He was entering it wherever Yamashita was entering his. And he was going to win, damn it. "Probably?"
Sakurai held out his hand for Nino to shake, which he did immediately. "Well, I'm not doing anything Saturday, I guess. With some makeup, I'm sure I'd look cute. Hell, I was kind of wild in college, it won't be my first time in drag. I'll borrow something from my sister."
This guy was already weirder than he could have imagined. And now all Nino could happily picture was Matsumoto's face when he found out who would be playing his love interest. Maybe it would be enough to send the stupid barista back to his grande non-fat decaf mocha lattes.
He told Sakurai where to meet, packed up the equipment, and dragged Ohno away from his stare down with the kid. "I tell ya, Satoshi," Nino said as they walked back to the apartment. "Things really have started to go my way."
Ohno nodded. "Well, aside from the whole casting process, which I thought was the whole point of today."
His eyes narrowed. "Shut up."
He just had to have faith that Matsumoto would refuse to play gay, and he could find someone last minute or just cast himself and play the male hero. He could probably act circles around Matsumoto anyhow, and plus, he knew it would give him one over Yamashita, who wasn't going to be acting in addition to his writing and directing duties.
Nino was fairly certain that Young Men Over Floral Arrangements was going to be his big break. He headed gleefully up the better lit stairs, Ohno at his heels.
He only skidded to a halt when he saw the tall, skinny guy standing at their apartment door, his oversized backpacking pack leaned against the exterior wall. Nino immediately hid the camera bag behind his back.
"Hey, you must be Ohno, the guy from Skype! Sorry for showing up without saying anything, but it's a long way from Yaounde!" Aiba Masaki announced, his bright smile lighting up his face. "I'm back!"
--
The Complication
--
Yaounde turned out to be the capital of an African country called Cameroon. Nino had never heard of the country or its capital, nor was he interested in learning more about it because as of that very moment, he was in deep shit.
"Masaki," he said, eyes wide. "W-w-why are you here?"
Aiba hoisted his pack, still smiling. "Well you see, we tried to save the gorillas for like, the first three months. We had this camp in the jungle that was super cool, and I had to poop into a hole in the ground and wipe my ass with leaves..."
"Oh wow!" Ohno contributed to the conversation.
Nino waved his hand to hopefully redirect Aiba's line of conversation away from his bodily functions. He'd always been a little too fond of oversharing. "And what about after the first three months?"
"Well, you see, there was this outbreak of leishmaniasis at the camp because we had really bad mosquito nets, and five of my co-workers died so..."
Nino took a step back. "You don't have any tropical diseases now, do you?"
"Oh no! I'd had a ton of shots before I went!" Aiba assured them. "But yeah, after they died the gorilla thing kind of fell through, but I was rescued by this group of missionaries who tried to convert me. They were super nice, but they finally figured out that I wasn't going to turn Christian, and I didn't really feel like renewing my visa so here I am!"
"Here you are!" Nino answered. Shit shit shit shit shit. Aiba wasn't supposed to be here. Half of his stuff had gotten sold to the pawn shop!
Aiba knelt down over his pack, handing him and Ohno each a pocket-sized English-language Bible. "I got you souvenirs though!"
"Let's just get you inside for now, okay?" Nino said, accepting the Bible, and inside the three of them went. As Nino agonized over what he was going to say, Aiba seemed to change as soon as he sat down on the couch. He just tilted over a little bit, fell onto his back, and in seconds he was out like a light.
"Jet lag from Africa must be horrible," Ohno said calmly.
Nino shook him, whispering over Aiba's immediate snoring. "Screw jet lag, what are we going to do? I made a profit off of his baseball cards!"
"I told you it was wrong to sell them."
"Ugh! Well, maybe he'll leave after he sleeps, and he'll forget his stuff was here?"
Ohno scratched his chin. "But where would he go? He used to live here."
Thankfully, the jet lag kept Aiba out of commission for the next 36 hours. To save money, Aiba had flown from Yaounde to Brazzaville in the Congo. Then Brazzaville to Casablanca in Morocco. Then Casablanca to Doha, Qatar. Then Doha to Denpasar in Indonesia. Then Denpasar to Seoul. And finally, Seoul to Narita Airport. Most were places Nino had never heard of and wondered if Aiba had really saved all that much in the long run. At least his luggage had managed to come with him.
When he woke, Nino was just getting ready for work. Aiba yawned, smiling. "Good morning! I must have dozed off!"
"You've been asleep for the better part of two days, Masaki."
"Wow," Aiba said. "Hey, so is it okay if I stay here for a while? I don't want to kick Ohno-san out, but I don't really have the money to get my own apartment, and my mom still thinks I'm in Africa saving the gorillas so..."
If anything, Aiba living there could potentially help out with the rent situation once he found a job. "Sure, stay as long as you have to. But you're on the couch."
"No problem! You know, maybe I could sell some of the stuff I left here. Just to get back on my feet."
Nino busied himself with a pile of mail. "Oh? Well, to tell you the truth...I...we...I actually..."
"We put some of it in storage for you!" Ohno said, emerging from his bedroom, hair sticking up in a dozen different directions. "To keep it safe."
Nino froze. In storage? In storage?!
"Oh, you didn't have to do that, you guys!" Aiba said, getting up from the couch and hugging the both of them. He really needed a shower, Nino noted.
Aiba seemed agreeable about the storage thing, so Nino left for work. He took the long way, going around the back of the buildings so he didn't have to see Matsumoto. The guy was probably bragging about his upcoming role in an independent project, and Nino didn't need the reminder that Matsumoto was his main actor.
His work day passed slowly but surely, as did the next day until it was finally Saturday. Though Aiba had grown increasingly insistent about retrieving his stuff from the non-existent storage locker, Nino discovered that when truly driven to do so, Ohno could be a great liar. Aiba gave up his need for his stuff as soon as Satoshi explained that the storage facility was undergoing fumigation for termites, and they wouldn't be able to get in for another week.
It was finally time for filming, and Aiba had agreed to come along to help with filming (little did he know that he was the one financing the project - Nino would just have to give him a producer credit). They walked the long way to the train, transferring to the Yamanote Line and riding south to Ebisu. To nobody's surprise, Jun was already there by the giant beer can looking anxious.
Introductions to the crew were made, and Nino handed over the printed out script pages. "So you're going to be playing the rich, arrogant guy who falls in love with the poor girl. All we're shooting is their romantic meeting by the concrete pillar over there."
Jun accepted the pages, looking suspicious. "This premise sounds kind of familiar."
"It's a brand new story," Nino assured him. "Anyhow, we're waiting for your co-star."
And arrive the co-star did. Nino had to admit that from afar, Sakurai really had the woman thing down. He'd apparently borrowed his sister's most form-fitting dress, and he walked surprisingly skillfully in her shoes. At least Nino hoped that Sakurai had borrowed the shoes as well. He had nice legs too, although once he was up close, Nino could see how hairy they were. Apparently nylons had not been an option.
Matsumoto was confused when Nino handed the other script pages to Sakurai, who'd done his makeup somewhere between lady of the night and circus clown. "Wait, wait, I'm sorry. What's going on here?" Jun asked, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Matsumoto Jun, this is your co-star and love interest, Sakurai Sho," Nino said joyfully. "Sakurai-san, this is Matsumoto Jun."
Sho held out his hand and smiled, and Nino shuddered a bit at the bright red splotches of lipstick that were marring his large front teeth. "Nice to meet you!" Sakurai said, his voice far deeper than Matsumoto's. "I couldn't find a wig, so hopefully it's something you can fix in post-production, Ninomiya-san."
Nino waited. What would Jun do? How desperate was he to act? Aiba started chatting up Sakurai while Ohno got the boom mic ready - they were attaching the microphone to a shower curtain rod, which had been surprisingly easy to get onto the train car.
He watched a million emotions flit across Jun's face before he finally flipped through the script pages. "We don't have to kiss or anything, do we?"
"My first kissing scene!" Sakurai cried.
"No, you don't have to kiss," Nino assured Jun, who seemed to visibly relax.
"Hey Nino," Satoshi said. "We forgot to charge the camera, so there's only 20 minutes of battery left..."
Nino clapped his hands. "Memorize those scripts fast, let's go!"
--
Fifteen awkward minutes later, Nino had probably called "CUT!" thirty times. Jun was overacting, Sakurai wouldn't let go of the script pages, and Aiba kept giggling in the background.
"Okay! Young Men Over Floral Arrangements take 34. Action!"
Matsumoto leaned against the pillar. "Makinoto," he addressed Sakurai. "My mother's an old hag, but I don't care about the Domyoshi Group..."
Sakurai blushed (not in the script) and leaned closer to Matsumoto (also not in the script). "But I want to go to law school. I want to pursue my own dreams. And then there's your friend Hamasaka Rui..."
Matsumoto made an X with his arms. "Stop, stop, stop!" he cried.
Nino paused the camera. "Excuse me? This is my film! The two of you were finally doing something right! How dare you interrupt with your petty actor troubles!"
"Your film? Your original film?" Matsumoto shouted, stomping his feet. "Look at where we are. Look at the words we're saying! Doesn't any of this sound the slightest bit familiar?"
Ohno accidentally smacked Sakurai in the head with the boom mic.
"Familiar?" Nino seethed. "This is a genius script, and if you're not up to the task, I can replace you!"
"It's Hana Yori Dango, for god's sake!" Matsumoto screeched. "All you did was change the names! And poorly, I might add!"
Sakurai's eyes widened. "You know, you may be right!"
"Of course I'm right!"
Nino turned the camera off completely. Okay, so they'd seen through him. So what if it was a rip-off? He didn't take a screenwriting class before - he wanted to be a director, not a stupid writer. His diva of an actor was making things increasingly difficult. "Fine! I'll rewrite the scene. I can't possibly see any connection with Hana Yori Dango, but if you're going to make such a damn stink about it..."
"I think plagiarism is a serious issue," Sakurai said.
"Why are you siding with him?" Nino grumbled to himself, packing up the equipment. "Are you both free next Saturday? I'll have new script pages then, and we'll shoot something else!"
"Do I need to be a woman next time?" Sakurai inquired.
"No!" Nino and Matsumoto shouted at the same time. Ohno hit Aiba with the shower curtain rod as he tried to take the microphone off. Sakurai looked almost depressed.
All agreed to meet up the following Saturday at Yoyogi Park. He had a week to come up with a masterpiece.
--
Matsumoto was on the ground, his high school uniform getting dirty as Sakurai in his own high school uniform straddled him.
"Everyone else in our class is dead!" Sakurai shouted as he held the rubber knife in the air, a crazy glint in his eye. "I have to kill you!"
Nino zoomed in, trying to capture the fear in Matsumoto's face but all he saw was irritation. "CUT!"
Matsumoto immediately swatted Sakurai off of him, the latter making a surprised "oof!" as he slammed into the grass. Ohno moved the boom mic aside while Aiba sighed, sad that he wouldn't get to squirt ketchup all over Matsumoto after Sakurai "stabbed" him.
"Okay, what's wrong now, Jun?" Nino asked, setting the camera down.
"We're a high school class isolated on an island, and only one person can survive?" Jun complained. "Hello, this is Battle Royale!"
"Oh!" Sakurai exclaimed, getting to his feet and wiggling the fake knife. "I totally see it now!"
Damn it, Nino thought. Damn it damn it damn it! How had Matsumoto seen through him again? It had been a rough week, rewriting the script, coming up with all the dramatic shots and angles, pondering how best to use the low lighting under the trees of Yoyogi Park. So what if he hadn't bothered to create something that original? He had unemployed Ohno eating all his food, equally unemployed Aiba increasingly worried about his stuff "in storage," and Yamashita had come into the MOS Burger again to brag about how well his film project was going. Nino's life was kind of busy at the moment!
He'd had it up to here with Matsumoto's demands. He'd even asked for a trailer. A trailer! For an independent movie shot in Yoyogi Park! He'd been looking forward to Matsumoto's death scene, only wishing he'd been able to take Sakurai's place himself.
Aiba giggled again. "If we're done filming, will anyone dare me to squirt all the ketchup into my mouth?"
Ohno laughed. "I'll give you 1000 yen!"
"2000!" Sakurai joined in.
Nino shut his eyes. Idiots. He was surrounded by idiots! He opened them again, and the obvious rage in him shut everyone up. "First, Masaki. Don't you waste that ketchup. Second, Ohno-san, you don't have 1000 yen, and if you did, you have to give it to me anyway! Third, Sakurai-san...actually I don't have any problems with you, good work today."
"Oh, thank you very much!" Sakurai said, bowing.
"And fourth," Nino said, whirling on the still irritated Matsumoto. "Okay, so this is Battle Royale, huh? You've seen this all before, huh? Well you come back here next Saturday, and I'll show you!"
--
Next Saturday, Aiba was still giggling, this time because his high school uniform rental was rather tight. He'd expanded the actor list to three because when there were three principals, Nino knew, it meant you could throw in a love triangle. There wasn't anything much more original than that!
Matsumoto was increasingly unhappy with the direction of the script. Nino hadn't altered that much, only adding Aiba and a pair of foam nunchaku to the scene. Now it wasn't just Battle Royale, no. Nino had been an otaku for a long enough time to know exactly what the audience wanted. Well, he knew exactly what a female audience wanted.
Three good-looking guys touching each other.
"Boys love Battle Royale?" Jun complained, crossing his arms. "Why does it have to be boys love?"
Aiba was practicing with the nunchaku against the tree while Satoshi tried to hold the boom mic in one hand and the ketchup bottle in the other. Sakurai just seemed happy to be involved.
"It's boys love, Matsumoto, because girls like fan service. Watch this." He walked straight up to Ohno and kissed him full on the mouth. In the distance, he could hear some random passerby girls screaming in joy. "See? If you bring the fan service, the girls will come. It's like a siren call."
Ohno dropped the ketchup bottle in shock, touching his lips.
Jun scowled, thick eyebrows knitting together in anger. "But what is my character's motivation? My high school class wants to kill each other to survive, yet I'm in love with a dude?"
"In love with a very much taken dude," Nino replied, wrapping an arm around Sakurai's shoulder. "Because Sakurai's going out with Aiba!"
"Woohoo!" Aiba shouted, seeming proud of himself. "I must be the most popular guy in class!"
"Which is why," Nino continued, dragging Matsumoto by the wrist, "you want Sakurai all to yourself so..." He mimed a stabbing motion over Aiba's heart. "You stab him to death in the middle of the forest."
Aiba fell over dramatically with a death gurgle. And then looked up with a big smile. "And that's when Satoshi covers me in ketchup, right?"
"Why are you my best actor?" Nino mumbled.
Sakurai was blushing. "And then...and then?"
Nino moved to Sakurai, this time kissing him full on the mouth. A different group of random girls cheered their approval from elsewhere in the park. "And then Jun makes out with you."
"You could use some chap stick," Sakurai noted.
Nino turned to Jun. "It's a simple enough premise, right? Well, can we get started already?"
Jun shook his head. "It's still Battle Royale."
Nino didn't think kissing Jun full on the mouth would solve any of his problems, much as Nino knew it would irritate him. Instead he ran over to Satoshi, wrapping an arm around him. "You're not going to kiss me again, are you?" Ohno asked nervously.
Nino ignored him. "Look, how about this for a plot twist. You stab Aiba, you make out with Sho, and then Ohno arrives!"
"Me?" Ohno squeaked.
"Yes. You show up and..." Nino was desperate, running low on ideas he could steal from other movies. "Ohno-san arrives and...he's a time-traveling...samurai...who defeats you...and then raps over the closing credits. Or something."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Jun said.
"Wait, who do I end up with then? Is it a love square?" Sakurai asked. "Do I get to kiss Ohno-san too?"
Nino was starting to wonder where the hell Sakurai Sho had come from.
"Maybe I should take the nunchaku, Aiba-chan," Satoshi said. "Unless I should go buy back the fencing..."
Nino's eyes widened, bringing his finger to his lips to keep Ohno from spilling the beans about Masaki's very much pawned off shit.
"...fencing...stuff. So I could build a fence," Ohno lied, far less skillfully than he had before. "A fence to uh, throw Jun-kun's corpse into?"
He looked from actor to actor - Ohno trying to lie, Aiba confused about Ohno's lie, Sakurai pondering who else he'd get to make out with that day, and finally, Matsumoto's obvious disapproval.
"It's still Battle Royale," the barista hinted. "No matter how many rapping samurai you try to add to it."
"Fine!" he shouted. "We're done shooting for today. We meet at my apartment next Saturday, and whatever we film is going to be the final product. Bring your damn A game, ladies, because if you don't, I will probably kiss you!" Sakurai's face lit up. "Or not kiss you, depending on which situation would be the cause of more mental anguish for you! Dismissed!"
As they walked back to the apartment, Ohno brought up a good point. "So what are you going to do, Nino? I think Jun-kun's going to quit if you don't come up with a good story this time."
"And if only he would quit!" Nino moaned. "But he doesn't! He tells me it sucks but he keeps showing up! This project is a disaster!"
"Well, I think you're right about the boys love thing," Aiba said agreeably. "It seemed pretty effective in the park."
"And Sho-kun will do anything we ask him to," Ohno pointed out.
Nino stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. He knew exactly what he was going to do. It would not only draw in an extraordinary amount of female fans, but it would probably send Jun packing once and for all!
--
They'd gone with Ohno's room instead of Nino's because of Aiba's furniture that was still under the cloth in there. They'd gone to the added expense of tossing rose petals all over Ohno's futon, and Masaki was lighting pink and purple candles for mood lighting.
"But what if Jun-kun says no?" Ohno asked, doing his best to manipulate the boom mic into position over the futon in hopes of capturing the best thigh-slapping noises.
"If he wants to be an actor as badly as he says he does, then he should know this is one of the only ways to get noticed in the industry if you're like him and have zero talent," Nino explained, adjusting the camera lens.
"I guess so," Ohno mused.
Aiba smiled cheerfully. "If you want, I'd be happy to dub the moaning noises in. Just listen to this: uhhhhhhhhhnnnnn. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Yeahhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhng."
Nino covered Aiba's mouth with his hand. "I don't think we're going to need you for that, Masaki, but thank you."
The buzzer at the door went off, and Ohno let Sakurai in. Sakurai had done as he was told, wearing loose-fitting clothing he wouldn't mind losing - and what struck Nino as odd was how Sakurai hadn't even asked why.
"Ooh, a bedroom scene!" Sakurai said reverently. "I like the candles!"
Aiba grinned. "They were my idea. Kind of sexy right?"
Sakurai and Aiba must have missed the candles in the corner that proudly announced "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" but otherwise, Nino had to admit he was pleased with the lighting.
Sho shrugged out of his jacket. "So are there any script pages, Nino?"
Nino and Ohno exchanged a look. "Um, script? No, there isn't really a script for this."
"Improv then?" Sho asked. "I'll just do whatever Jun tells me to do."
"That's pretty much how I planned for this to go," Nino admitted. The buzzer went off again. He left the bedroom, leaving Sho to ask Ohno just what kind of scene was planned. He opened the door, spying Jun in the corridor.
"You know, this neighborhood's kind of shady."
He grabbed Jun by the arm, pulling him inside. "Alright, alright, stop judging my life for two seconds so we can get this scene filmed already!"
As soon as Jun was in the bedroom, Nino shut the door and turned the lock behind him.
"Hey!" Jun said, eyes widening as they drifted from candles to rose-petaled futon to Sakurai, who was now wearing Ohno's bathrobe. "This isn't Battle Royale..."
Nino grinned wickedly. "No, it's not Battle Royale. It's a little independent project I like to call Summer Lovemaking Shines In Rainbow Color."
"That title..." Jun murmured.
"Completely original," Nino assured him as he got behind the camera. "Now drop your pants and shake your pickle in Sakurai's face."
"Wait, this is porn?" Sakurai asked, suddenly surprised. "You want us to film gay porn?"
Jun looked traumatized, crouching down with his head in his hands. "My god, it really is the AKB48 of dicks..."
Nino shrugged, ignoring Jun's mental breakdown. "Sho, I didn't think this was going to be a problem for you..."
Sho actually looked furious. "What do you mean? I'm not gay!"
Ohno and Aiba's jaws dropped in surprise, and Nino nearly knocked the video camera over. "Not...gay? You're in a bathrobe! There's rose petals! For god's sake, there's a huge bottle of lube next to the pillow! What the hell did you think this was?"
Sho was babbling. "I thought...I thought it would just be cuddling! Harmless cuddling! Like with a pillow, except that Jun was going to be the pointy-elbowed pillow!"
"And how is that not gay?" Nino screeched.
"I'm sorry, Satoshi, but I'd like to have my clothes back now," Sho said, eyes full of anger at Nino's apparent betrayal of their director-actor relationship.
Ohno handed them over, and Sakurai headed for the bathroom in a huff. For his part, Jun was now lying on the floor crying. "This was going to be my big break, Nino. I can't...I can't do this! I can't do it! I told my parents I was going to be in a great movie, and you want me to...you want me to...another guy's...butt...what if my mom sees...oh god!"
Nino turned the room lights on. He'd lost Sakurai, Jun was collapsing in on himself, and time was up. The contest submissions were due at midnight, and Nino didn't even have five minutes of footage after nearly a month of shooting. Sakurai returned, fully dressed, and he dragged Matsumoto to his feet.
"Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee," he said gently.
"But I work at a coffee shop," Jun protested, and the pair of them left the apartment.
Aiba and Ohno exchanged a quick look before taking about ten steps in opposite directions of one another. "Nino, maybe you should go back to your other ideas," Aiba said gently, blowing out the HAPPY BIRTHDAY candles. "We could still have an action scene if we use my fencing equipment. Or you could make a baseball documentary! We could just read stats off my Oh Sadaharu card..."
"But that's in storage," Ohno blurted out.
"Well, they have to be done spraying for the termites by now," Aiba said, trying to encourage the pair of them. "Come on, let's go get my stuff..."
"Aiba-chan," Nino tried to interrupt.
"Why? Are those bad ideas? If you're really stuck on the porn thing, I've got this book about nipples..."
Nino shut his eyes tight and prayed. "Aiba-chan, we sold your stuff at the pawn shop so I could finance my movie!"
He cracked one eye open, seeing Ohno's shocked face, and the increasing shock on Masaki's.
"Sold my...stuff? You mean it's not in storage?"
"We made that part up, Aiba-chan," Ohno said quietly. "We're very sorry. It's my fault because I don't have a job."
"I...I didn't think you'd be back from Africa so soon," Nino tried to explain, seeing Aiba's face start to change. Nino had never actually seen Aiba get angry before, ever, so his fear grew with each passing second. "So we sold the fencing stuff and your books and your baseball cards...initially it was just to pay the rent, but when I found out that Yamashita was making a movie, I just couldn't leave it be. So...yeah."
Aiba simply left the room, grabbing his large pack from the corner of the living room. "Ohno-san, thank you for letting me stay with you. And as for you, Nino, I'm going to go home to Chiba for a while. I'll get a moving truck and come pick up my furniture. Try not to sell it before then, okay?"
He left, slamming the door behind him. Which was easier since he was headed out of the apartment and not into it.
Nino picked up the lube from Ohno's futon and held it up expectantly. Ohno only shook his head.
"Yeah, I didn't think so," Nino mumbled.
--
The Resolution
--
He'd stared at iMovie for the last six hours, and he had very little to show for it. If it wasn't Jun staring straight at the camera, Sho staring down at his script, or Aiba giggling in the background, the sound was missing because, of course, Ohno had never actually remembered to turn the microphone on during all four weeks of shooting.
"I can't submit this," he moaned. "Any of this! There's nothing to tie any of it together!"
"Well," Ohno said, sitting beside him on the couch, "maybe the movie's just not meant to be? Maybe it's a sign that we should sell this back so we can get Aiba-chan's stuff?"
He shut his laptop lid sadly. "Maybe you're right."
He was the worst kind of person imaginable. He didn't really dislike Jun that much, and he'd turned the aspiring actor into a hot babbling mess. He'd actually liked Sakurai, and he'd offended him and sent him packing. And Aiba was one of his best friends, and he'd broken his trust. All so he could get one over on Yamashita from high school A/V club. It was pathetic. It was sad. And he had to make things right.
"Satoshi," he decided. "I need you to film me."
Ohno wrinkled his nose. "I don't have to go buy roses for this, do I?"
"Nope. I just need you to film me for 10 minutes. And then we'll go straight to the pawn shop."
The documentary about swordfish was just ending, making Ohno far more agreeable. "Okay then."
--
He was surprised that they'd shown up: Jun just fresh off a casting call for another role as a corpse, Sho still in his business suit after a long day at the office, and Aiba smelling a bit like the Chinese restaurant his parents operated in Chiba.
It had been far more sentimental than Nino liked, but he'd filmed a ten minute apology video where he told his friends (and they were his friends, he'd decided) how sorry he was for putting the needs of his film over being honest and truthful and nice to them. He apologized to Jun for not having original ideas to showcase his talent. He apologized to Sho for assuming he was gay because he liked to kiss and snuggle with other men. And he apologized to Aiba for profiting off of his personal effects. Then he'd spent the last three minutes on his hands and knees, forehead touching the floor before Ohno announced that the battery was dying.
The five of them said their brief hellos, nobody really wanting to confront Nino about the apology video, but from everyone's lack of anger, Nino assumed that most, if not all, had been forgiven. He snuck an envelope of money into Masaki's pants pocket as they entered the movie theater.
Today was the showing of the entries from the winners of The Kanto Region Rising Stars of Stage and Screen Foundation grants. All of them were actually kind of curious as to what Yamashita had used the grant money to produce - if anything, it had to be better than the Hana Yori Dango slash Battle Royale slash boys love Battle Royale slash porn that Nino had attempted to make.
As they took their seats, Sho handed him a business card - his office was looking to hire someone to shoot some sexual harassment videos for the Human Resources department. Jun was set to star as "Unwanted Sexual Advances Employee Number Two." Aiba squeezed his hand in thanks for the returned money as the lights went dim, and Nino felt a lot better than he had in days. The credits flashed across the screen:
Gentlemen Over Bouquets:
A Story of Love Between Rich and Poor
A Yamashita Tomohisa Film
"Oh, you're fucking kidding me," Nino murmured in the darkness.
The End
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Nino + Arashi friendship; a few pairing hints, none of which should be taken seriously!!
Summary: Nino hadn't made it into film school. When his rival from the high school A/V club wins a grant to film a movie, Nino pulls out all the stops to make a masterpiece of his own with a little help from his friends.
Notes/Warnings: A big helping of crack fic written for ninoexchange. Lots of naughty language and our favorite idiots being more idiotic than usual. AU.
Prologue
--
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...
No. Scratch that.
A few months ago in an apartment far far away from a train station.
Which necessitated the use of a bike.
Which was stolen on an important day.
Which led the bike's owner to be late for a vitally important interview for The Film School of Tokyo.
Which led the bike's owner to instead apply for employment at MOS Burger.
Which led the bike's owner to hate himself for missing that damn interview.
Which brings us to our story...
--
The Set-Up
--
Nino slammed the apartment door after him. Which wasn't the full truth of it since like most apartment doors he'd ever encountered, it opened out into the hall. So really, he pulled the apartment door closed behind him. But with emphasis. So it was close enough to slamming, he supposed.
Ohno was on their couch, burrowing in the cushions like some toejam between This Little Piggy Went To Market and This Little Piggy Stayed Home. If there was anything Nino's roommate was skilled at, it was staying home. "Did you even look for a job today?" Nino asked him.
Ohno was engrossed in what was on the television screen. A large fishing boat was riding up and down on some horrific waves, enough to turn Nino's stomach at the sight of it. The announcer was relating the dangers of fishing in these waters near the Kamchatka Peninsula, explaining how half the crew died each winter looking for six different types of salmon and occasionally crab. Ohno didn't bother to complain when Nino grabbed the remote control and turned the TV off. They'd been living together for about a year now in the apartment, a place Nino would say was barely a level beneath "Squatter" and a few levels above "You're sure this building isn't condemned?" But they lived in Tokyo, so their slumlord Kazuki-san could still charge them enough in rent that would buy the two of them a palace in some third world country.
"When you say 'did you look for a job today' does that mean today today or the 24 hour period up to this point?" Ohno inquired, jamming his pinky into his ear to hunt for wax. "Because if so, then I applied for something at 10:00 last night."
Nino pinched the bridge of his nose. Ever since his roommate had gotten laid off from the bakery (freak yeast shortage leading to downsizing), he'd done very little to contribute to their financial situation. "Satoshi, our rent was due four days ago. Where the hell is your half going to come from then?"
Ohno leaned forward, grabbing an unopened piece of mail from the table and wiggling the envelope eagerly. "Look Kazu, this one says I may already be a winner."
He snatched the envelope away and tore it in half. "This is so hopeless!" he moaned before flopping down onto the couch dramatically.
It had been a really horrible day. First, Kazuki-san had smiled his blackened-toothed smile and asked for the rent just as Nino was heading out the door. Second, he'd been on register duty all day, handling people's nasty ass money and coins that they didn't always pull out of a wallet or coin purse to drop into his palm. And worst of all, third, Yamashita had come into the restaurant.
It was bad enough that his high school A/V club rival had seen him working in the fast food industry. But no, Yamashita had happily waited at the table upstairs with his Teriyaki Chicken Burger for Nino to go on break to relay the happy news. Yamashita had just won a grant through The Kanto Region Rising Stars of Stage and Screen Foundation to make his own short film. He'd get to direct, write, and produce an original story to be screened in competition the following month.
And the twist of the knife in Nino's gut had been Yamashita's dopey-as-usual grin. "I never even wanted to direct!" Yamashita had beamed. "I guess I'm just lucky!"
It had taken all the willpower Nino possessed not to shove the remaining Teriyaki Chicken Burger in his frenemy's face. Oh yeah? Well ever since he'd been five and had seen his first Spielberg, Nino HAD wanted to direct. He'd wanted to direct so badly that he doodled storyboards in his free time for things he'd never be able to fund. He politely congratulated Yamashita on his success, painfully reminded the man that no, he had not made it into The Film School of Tokyo, and no, he didn't really have any other irons in the fire on the whole life goal thing, and oh, it smells like the fries are burning see you later bye now.
Nino related his agony to his roommate, who had potentially found an entire colony of bacteria-sized people in his ear, so lost was Ohno in his wax digging. He sighed, wondering what to do. He did have to pay Kazuki-san, and he had his own half and half of Ohno's half thanks to Ohno's dad's pachinko-winning generosity. The time had finally come. He got back to his feet, leaving Ohno to his earwax, and opened his bedroom door.
There was of course his futon and game consoles and drawers on one half of the room; the other half was covered in a cloth. Underneath, Nino knew it was stuff he wasn't supposed to touch. Stuff he had promised, even pinky swore, not to get rid of. Because a year ago, when Ohno hadn't been his roommate, Nino's roommate had been Aiba. With Nino's ambitions for film school, he had assured Aiba that he'd be staying in Tokyo so he could leave his stuff behind until he came back.
Aiba Masaki, who was a far gentler soul than Nino could ever hope to be, had set off with a mission group to Africa with the lofty goal of saving the gorillas. So off Aiba had gone, leaving Nino to tend to his shit. Nino pondered this breach of Aiba's trust - he could sell Aiba's stuff, use the money to take care of the rent and once Ohno found a job again, Nino could buy the stuff back. And really, Aiba would never know - it was the gorillas, for god's sake, they needed a hell of a lot of saving, didn't they?
He yanked the cloth off and started tallying up the goods - the furniture he'd leave for the time being, but all of Aiba's baseball cards? Getting sold. Aiba's fencing equipment from the two month period he'd wanted to be a professional fencing champion? Getting sold. Aiba's books? Hopefully getting sold. Nino wasn't sure the pawn shop guy would be that interested in a book called Bizarre Nipples of Japan's Most Popular Celebrities, but it couldn't hurt to try.
"I'm sorry, Masaki," Nino said aloud before shoving everything he could into a backpack. He dragged Ohno up from the couch and made him carry the fencing equipment, telling him it was his fault anyhow that it had come to this. Ohno had never actually met Aiba in person, but they had apparently Skype'd once or twice about apartment-related issues like fixing the circuit breaker or replacing the pilot light for the oven. Aiba had never Skype'd Nino, and for that, maybe Nino was feeling a little less guilty about selling Aiba's stuff.
They headed out the door, taking the poorly lit south stairs to avoid walking past Kazuki-san's office. It was better to risk a broken neck when the rent was as late as theirs was. They made it to the pawn shop just past the sleazy bar (the neighborhood wasn't the best), and to Nino's surprise, some of Aiba's baseball cards turned out to be rare.
"Maybe we shouldn't sell them," Satoshi pointed out. "They might have sentimental value."
Nino thought of Aiba living in a hut in the African jungle. He'd probably use the baseball cards to help light a campfire anyhow if they were in his possession, so he nodded and sold them. But now he had enough for four months' rent! Normally, Nino was a saver. He wasn't exactly in a job that allowed for much of it, and the thought of putting these earnings in the mattress and letting them stay there was a tempting one.
But then he spied the camera equipment on another shelf, and all he could think of was Yamashita's stupid face and his stupid Teriyaki Chicken Burger and his stupid grant from The Kanto Region Rising Stars of Stage and Screen Foundation.
Ohno shook his head. "Nino...what are you going to do?"
Nino smirked, fanning the bills out on the greasy, fingerprinted pawn shop counter. "I think I'm going to make a movie."
--
Kazuki-san had slunk off, pleased with Ohno and Nino's monetary offering for at least the next twenty-five or so days. Nino had set all the equipment out on the living room floor while Ohno half-watched him do it, half-focused on another fishing documentary.
He already had iMovie on his computer and he could illegally download anything else, so editing would be easy enough, but Aiba's baseball cards had bought him a video camera that shot digital and a microphone to capture the actors' voices. He'd already hired Ohno on as his crew so at least he could have someone holding the boom mic while he shot footage.
Once he'd tinkered around with the equipment he dug around in his room until he found the script he'd always wanted to shoot once he was admitted to film school. He'd stashed it away once his dreams had been flushed down the crapper, but now that he'd found his potentially last chance, he had to do it.
While Ohno helped draw some storyboards (he was a lot better than Nino at it, anyhow), Nino typed up a casting call. Posting around the neighborhood would lure the undesirables he very much did not want to cast. Creating a Mixi group was pretty much the only route he could go. For now, he only needed two co-leads for location shooting. He didn't have money to rent a studio, so they'd just have to shoot on the move before anyone asked if he had a filming permit. Within an hour, his group had over 50 followers.
Tasks completed, Nino headed off for bed in a far better mood than when he'd gotten home from work. Not to mention how much less stuff was cluttering up the room. He'd show Yamashita, he vowed, as he curled up in his futon with the shooting script by his side. The casting call was for 5 PM in the park across from the Donki store.
In the morning, there was a bounce to his step, even as he pulled on his MOS Burger uniform and headed out the door. Even the sight of the Starbucks next to his place of employment didn't annoy him like it usually did. That was until the Starbucks employee who was the cause of his annoyance came out the door, his glistening J. Matsumoto nametag nearly blinding him as the morning sun reflected off of it.
"Morning, Ninomiya," J. Matsumoto, otherwise Matsumoto Jun, irritating barista said.
"No, I do not want to try the new hot tea," he said politely, trying to steer his way around him.
Matsumoto was bigger than him, imposing with his smart green Starbucks smock and overly defined facial features. Nino had interviewed at Starbucks before MOS Burger - Jun had refused to hire him because of his "surly" attitude. MOS Burger hadn't really cared. And even though Nino had failed to become an espresso crack dealer, Matsumoto seemed to think they were friends now. "You've been busy on Mixi, huh?"
Nino's spirits plummeted. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, Jun-kun."
Jun smiled, the huge glistening teeth of a movie star. If Nino was passionate about directing, Matsumoto Jun was even more passionate about acting. If only he'd thought things through! He'd completely forgotten about Matsumoto's Mixi stalking tendencies. "Open call at 5 PM, right? Are there any script pages I can read in advance to prep?"
Nino crossed his arms. "I'll be honest with you. You're not what I had in mind."
"Let me prove you wrong then," Jun said, undeterred. He was the type who didn't like to lose. Ever. Which was why his giant face was on Employee of the Month plaque after Employee of the Month plaque inside the coffee shop.
The last thing he needed was Matsumoto Jun in his movie. Nino had seen him act once and only once. He'd been in some drama on TV Asahi at 3 AM playing a corpse floating in a swimming pool. Nino could have sworn he'd seen bubbles coming from his mouth. Jun was still waiting for his big break - Nino wanted his movie to be about Ninomiya Kazunari, new and upcoming director, not about Matsumoto Jun, the guy who played a corpse once.
"I wouldn't want to waste your time," Nino said quietly. "Really, it's just a small experimental project."
"Does that mean it's porn?" Jun asked, scratching his chin. "Because I don't do full frontal."
Nino blinked. "It's...it's not..." He saw Jun's eyebrows raise in hope. "Yeah. It's porn. Hardcore porn. So many dicks in this movie, Jun. Dicks everywhere. Like the AKB48 of dicks."
Jun eyed him suspiciously. "You're not lying, are you?"
He clapped Jun on the shoulder. "Would I lie to a handsome young man like you?"
"I have Caramel Macchiatos that need my special touch," Jun said with a sigh, looking back into the coffee shop. "I'll see you later."
"I hope not," Nino murmured as he headed off for his own job.
Seven hours and way too many french fries cooked later, Nino headed home, grabbed the camera equipment and Satoshi, and went to the park. He chased off some schoolchildren and set up the tripod and a folding director's chair. Ohno sat on a bench nearby, mostly because he had nothing better to do with his time. Nino checked his watch. Then checked it again. And again. And then again. Nobody showed.
His eyes narrowed. He just needed a guy and a girl. That was it. Everything else could be flippin' movie magic. He couldn't let his dream be dashed. Someone had to audition already!
It was 5:40 when Matsumoto showed up in a tight t-shirt and some woven pants and douchebag flip-flops. He removed his equally douchebag sunglasses and smiled at Nino. "Well, I see your adult movie is drawing quite a crowd." The only other soul in the park was a fat kid sitting alone on the see-saw, munching on candy and staring at Satoshi.
Nino scowled at him. "We've had several auditions already. You're late."
"Uh huh," Matsumoto said with a smile. "May I audition please?"
"But I told you already..."
"It's not porn. You wouldn't hold auditions in a public park if it's porn."
He sighed. "Alright, Jun, you can audition. I don't have script pages ready, so show me your improv skills. Monologue at me, method act at me, do whatever you weirdo actor types do." He set up the camera and hit record. "Your audition has started."
Jun hurriedly tossed his messenger bag aside, running his fingers quickly through his spiky, gelled hair. "My name is Matsumoto Jun," he said, turning beet red. "And...and my audition piece is an original work..."
"Oh god," Nino murmured in secondhand embarrassment.
He watched in increasing irritation as Jun laid down on the cement, reaching a hand up toward the sky to recite some creepy monologue about the stars and the universe and everything being connected. Nino stopped paying attention about halfway through to instead watch the well-dressed salaryman standing nervously at the edge of the playground. Was it a pervert? Was he lost?
Thankfully Jun's monologue ended, and Ohno clapped politely for him as Jun bowed. Nino turned off the record button.
"Well, what did you think?" Jun asked.
It had been almost an hour, and thus far Jun was his only auditioner. Maybe this movie would be good enough if his second actor did most of the actual acting. He begrudgingly held out his hand. "You can be in the movie. I guess."
Jun beamed from ear to ear. "Yes!" he cheered. "When do we start?"
Nino sighed. "Just show up at Ebisu Garden Place, this Saturday at 1 PM. There's a giant beer can in front of the Ebisu Brewery, we'll meet there." Nino would probably need to drink the contents of the giant beer can if he was going to film Matsumoto Jun performing his script.
"By the beer can, sounds great!" Jun grabbed his bag and headed off, giddy.
Once he'd gone, Nino was just about to pack things up when the salaryman approached. He had a well-groomed look to him. "Excuse me," he said, shifting his briefcase from hand to hand. "You're the one with the Mixi group?"
Nino nodded. Oh thank god, another actor. He could call Jun back and say he'd found a replacement. The guy opened up the briefcase, handing Nino an invoice.
"So you said you'd pay 85000 yen for the Hello Kitty collector's mug..." the man said, picking out a paper-wrapped mug before Nino realized the mistake.
"I'm sorry, man. This isn't about a Hello Kitty mug." The guy's face fell. "You might have clicked on the wrong thing? This is an audition. For a movie."
"Oh?"
Nino cocked his head. "You...collect Hello Kitty stuff?"
The guy was embarrassed enough, hurriedly shoving the mug back in his case. "What kind of movie?" he asked, his voice hitting a much higher pitch.
Come to think of it, the guy had some soft, womanly lips. He was a little droopy in the shoulder region, but he was shorter than Jun...
"It's a romance," Nino said. "A story of rich and poor. They don't let class get in the way of their love. It's beautiful, right?"
"I imagine so," Salaryman agreed.
"Did you...want to audition anyway? We're still casting."
Salaryman's eyes widened. "Really? I could be in the movie? But I've never acted before." Well, technically Jun HAD acted before, and he was awful, so what was the harm in casting a total amateur?
"The uh...the catch here..."
"Sakurai Sho," he said, bowing his head politely. "Would you like my card?"
Nino pressed his hands together as though in prayer, looking to Sakurai Sho, Salaryman and Hello Kitty Collector nervously. "The catch here is that you'd be playing the female part."
Sakurai stopped, hand around his business card. "I'm sorry, what?"
Ohno was now having a staring contest with the fat kid on the see-saw.
"The female part," Nino said, shutting his eyes. "Of course, you're a man. I can see that. My associate Ohno-san over there can see that. But that's the only part left, you see. The female role."
"I'd have to wear women's clothes? And speak in a higher register?"
"Women's clothes, yes," Nino said, surprised that Sakurai hadn't made an excuse to leave yet. "But I can fiddle with your voice on the computer, no problem."
Sakurai actually seemed deep in thought. "And what's this movie for? It's not going to end up online is it?"
He was entering it wherever Yamashita was entering his. And he was going to win, damn it. "Probably?"
Sakurai held out his hand for Nino to shake, which he did immediately. "Well, I'm not doing anything Saturday, I guess. With some makeup, I'm sure I'd look cute. Hell, I was kind of wild in college, it won't be my first time in drag. I'll borrow something from my sister."
This guy was already weirder than he could have imagined. And now all Nino could happily picture was Matsumoto's face when he found out who would be playing his love interest. Maybe it would be enough to send the stupid barista back to his grande non-fat decaf mocha lattes.
He told Sakurai where to meet, packed up the equipment, and dragged Ohno away from his stare down with the kid. "I tell ya, Satoshi," Nino said as they walked back to the apartment. "Things really have started to go my way."
Ohno nodded. "Well, aside from the whole casting process, which I thought was the whole point of today."
His eyes narrowed. "Shut up."
He just had to have faith that Matsumoto would refuse to play gay, and he could find someone last minute or just cast himself and play the male hero. He could probably act circles around Matsumoto anyhow, and plus, he knew it would give him one over Yamashita, who wasn't going to be acting in addition to his writing and directing duties.
Nino was fairly certain that Young Men Over Floral Arrangements was going to be his big break. He headed gleefully up the better lit stairs, Ohno at his heels.
He only skidded to a halt when he saw the tall, skinny guy standing at their apartment door, his oversized backpacking pack leaned against the exterior wall. Nino immediately hid the camera bag behind his back.
"Hey, you must be Ohno, the guy from Skype! Sorry for showing up without saying anything, but it's a long way from Yaounde!" Aiba Masaki announced, his bright smile lighting up his face. "I'm back!"
--
The Complication
--
Yaounde turned out to be the capital of an African country called Cameroon. Nino had never heard of the country or its capital, nor was he interested in learning more about it because as of that very moment, he was in deep shit.
"Masaki," he said, eyes wide. "W-w-why are you here?"
Aiba hoisted his pack, still smiling. "Well you see, we tried to save the gorillas for like, the first three months. We had this camp in the jungle that was super cool, and I had to poop into a hole in the ground and wipe my ass with leaves..."
"Oh wow!" Ohno contributed to the conversation.
Nino waved his hand to hopefully redirect Aiba's line of conversation away from his bodily functions. He'd always been a little too fond of oversharing. "And what about after the first three months?"
"Well, you see, there was this outbreak of leishmaniasis at the camp because we had really bad mosquito nets, and five of my co-workers died so..."
Nino took a step back. "You don't have any tropical diseases now, do you?"
"Oh no! I'd had a ton of shots before I went!" Aiba assured them. "But yeah, after they died the gorilla thing kind of fell through, but I was rescued by this group of missionaries who tried to convert me. They were super nice, but they finally figured out that I wasn't going to turn Christian, and I didn't really feel like renewing my visa so here I am!"
"Here you are!" Nino answered. Shit shit shit shit shit. Aiba wasn't supposed to be here. Half of his stuff had gotten sold to the pawn shop!
Aiba knelt down over his pack, handing him and Ohno each a pocket-sized English-language Bible. "I got you souvenirs though!"
"Let's just get you inside for now, okay?" Nino said, accepting the Bible, and inside the three of them went. As Nino agonized over what he was going to say, Aiba seemed to change as soon as he sat down on the couch. He just tilted over a little bit, fell onto his back, and in seconds he was out like a light.
"Jet lag from Africa must be horrible," Ohno said calmly.
Nino shook him, whispering over Aiba's immediate snoring. "Screw jet lag, what are we going to do? I made a profit off of his baseball cards!"
"I told you it was wrong to sell them."
"Ugh! Well, maybe he'll leave after he sleeps, and he'll forget his stuff was here?"
Ohno scratched his chin. "But where would he go? He used to live here."
Thankfully, the jet lag kept Aiba out of commission for the next 36 hours. To save money, Aiba had flown from Yaounde to Brazzaville in the Congo. Then Brazzaville to Casablanca in Morocco. Then Casablanca to Doha, Qatar. Then Doha to Denpasar in Indonesia. Then Denpasar to Seoul. And finally, Seoul to Narita Airport. Most were places Nino had never heard of and wondered if Aiba had really saved all that much in the long run. At least his luggage had managed to come with him.
When he woke, Nino was just getting ready for work. Aiba yawned, smiling. "Good morning! I must have dozed off!"
"You've been asleep for the better part of two days, Masaki."
"Wow," Aiba said. "Hey, so is it okay if I stay here for a while? I don't want to kick Ohno-san out, but I don't really have the money to get my own apartment, and my mom still thinks I'm in Africa saving the gorillas so..."
If anything, Aiba living there could potentially help out with the rent situation once he found a job. "Sure, stay as long as you have to. But you're on the couch."
"No problem! You know, maybe I could sell some of the stuff I left here. Just to get back on my feet."
Nino busied himself with a pile of mail. "Oh? Well, to tell you the truth...I...we...I actually..."
"We put some of it in storage for you!" Ohno said, emerging from his bedroom, hair sticking up in a dozen different directions. "To keep it safe."
Nino froze. In storage? In storage?!
"Oh, you didn't have to do that, you guys!" Aiba said, getting up from the couch and hugging the both of them. He really needed a shower, Nino noted.
Aiba seemed agreeable about the storage thing, so Nino left for work. He took the long way, going around the back of the buildings so he didn't have to see Matsumoto. The guy was probably bragging about his upcoming role in an independent project, and Nino didn't need the reminder that Matsumoto was his main actor.
His work day passed slowly but surely, as did the next day until it was finally Saturday. Though Aiba had grown increasingly insistent about retrieving his stuff from the non-existent storage locker, Nino discovered that when truly driven to do so, Ohno could be a great liar. Aiba gave up his need for his stuff as soon as Satoshi explained that the storage facility was undergoing fumigation for termites, and they wouldn't be able to get in for another week.
It was finally time for filming, and Aiba had agreed to come along to help with filming (little did he know that he was the one financing the project - Nino would just have to give him a producer credit). They walked the long way to the train, transferring to the Yamanote Line and riding south to Ebisu. To nobody's surprise, Jun was already there by the giant beer can looking anxious.
Introductions to the crew were made, and Nino handed over the printed out script pages. "So you're going to be playing the rich, arrogant guy who falls in love with the poor girl. All we're shooting is their romantic meeting by the concrete pillar over there."
Jun accepted the pages, looking suspicious. "This premise sounds kind of familiar."
"It's a brand new story," Nino assured him. "Anyhow, we're waiting for your co-star."
And arrive the co-star did. Nino had to admit that from afar, Sakurai really had the woman thing down. He'd apparently borrowed his sister's most form-fitting dress, and he walked surprisingly skillfully in her shoes. At least Nino hoped that Sakurai had borrowed the shoes as well. He had nice legs too, although once he was up close, Nino could see how hairy they were. Apparently nylons had not been an option.
Matsumoto was confused when Nino handed the other script pages to Sakurai, who'd done his makeup somewhere between lady of the night and circus clown. "Wait, wait, I'm sorry. What's going on here?" Jun asked, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Matsumoto Jun, this is your co-star and love interest, Sakurai Sho," Nino said joyfully. "Sakurai-san, this is Matsumoto Jun."
Sho held out his hand and smiled, and Nino shuddered a bit at the bright red splotches of lipstick that were marring his large front teeth. "Nice to meet you!" Sakurai said, his voice far deeper than Matsumoto's. "I couldn't find a wig, so hopefully it's something you can fix in post-production, Ninomiya-san."
Nino waited. What would Jun do? How desperate was he to act? Aiba started chatting up Sakurai while Ohno got the boom mic ready - they were attaching the microphone to a shower curtain rod, which had been surprisingly easy to get onto the train car.
He watched a million emotions flit across Jun's face before he finally flipped through the script pages. "We don't have to kiss or anything, do we?"
"My first kissing scene!" Sakurai cried.
"No, you don't have to kiss," Nino assured Jun, who seemed to visibly relax.
"Hey Nino," Satoshi said. "We forgot to charge the camera, so there's only 20 minutes of battery left..."
Nino clapped his hands. "Memorize those scripts fast, let's go!"
--
Fifteen awkward minutes later, Nino had probably called "CUT!" thirty times. Jun was overacting, Sakurai wouldn't let go of the script pages, and Aiba kept giggling in the background.
"Okay! Young Men Over Floral Arrangements take 34. Action!"
Matsumoto leaned against the pillar. "Makinoto," he addressed Sakurai. "My mother's an old hag, but I don't care about the Domyoshi Group..."
Sakurai blushed (not in the script) and leaned closer to Matsumoto (also not in the script). "But I want to go to law school. I want to pursue my own dreams. And then there's your friend Hamasaka Rui..."
Matsumoto made an X with his arms. "Stop, stop, stop!" he cried.
Nino paused the camera. "Excuse me? This is my film! The two of you were finally doing something right! How dare you interrupt with your petty actor troubles!"
"Your film? Your original film?" Matsumoto shouted, stomping his feet. "Look at where we are. Look at the words we're saying! Doesn't any of this sound the slightest bit familiar?"
Ohno accidentally smacked Sakurai in the head with the boom mic.
"Familiar?" Nino seethed. "This is a genius script, and if you're not up to the task, I can replace you!"
"It's Hana Yori Dango, for god's sake!" Matsumoto screeched. "All you did was change the names! And poorly, I might add!"
Sakurai's eyes widened. "You know, you may be right!"
"Of course I'm right!"
Nino turned the camera off completely. Okay, so they'd seen through him. So what if it was a rip-off? He didn't take a screenwriting class before - he wanted to be a director, not a stupid writer. His diva of an actor was making things increasingly difficult. "Fine! I'll rewrite the scene. I can't possibly see any connection with Hana Yori Dango, but if you're going to make such a damn stink about it..."
"I think plagiarism is a serious issue," Sakurai said.
"Why are you siding with him?" Nino grumbled to himself, packing up the equipment. "Are you both free next Saturday? I'll have new script pages then, and we'll shoot something else!"
"Do I need to be a woman next time?" Sakurai inquired.
"No!" Nino and Matsumoto shouted at the same time. Ohno hit Aiba with the shower curtain rod as he tried to take the microphone off. Sakurai looked almost depressed.
All agreed to meet up the following Saturday at Yoyogi Park. He had a week to come up with a masterpiece.
--
Matsumoto was on the ground, his high school uniform getting dirty as Sakurai in his own high school uniform straddled him.
"Everyone else in our class is dead!" Sakurai shouted as he held the rubber knife in the air, a crazy glint in his eye. "I have to kill you!"
Nino zoomed in, trying to capture the fear in Matsumoto's face but all he saw was irritation. "CUT!"
Matsumoto immediately swatted Sakurai off of him, the latter making a surprised "oof!" as he slammed into the grass. Ohno moved the boom mic aside while Aiba sighed, sad that he wouldn't get to squirt ketchup all over Matsumoto after Sakurai "stabbed" him.
"Okay, what's wrong now, Jun?" Nino asked, setting the camera down.
"We're a high school class isolated on an island, and only one person can survive?" Jun complained. "Hello, this is Battle Royale!"
"Oh!" Sakurai exclaimed, getting to his feet and wiggling the fake knife. "I totally see it now!"
Damn it, Nino thought. Damn it damn it damn it! How had Matsumoto seen through him again? It had been a rough week, rewriting the script, coming up with all the dramatic shots and angles, pondering how best to use the low lighting under the trees of Yoyogi Park. So what if he hadn't bothered to create something that original? He had unemployed Ohno eating all his food, equally unemployed Aiba increasingly worried about his stuff "in storage," and Yamashita had come into the MOS Burger again to brag about how well his film project was going. Nino's life was kind of busy at the moment!
He'd had it up to here with Matsumoto's demands. He'd even asked for a trailer. A trailer! For an independent movie shot in Yoyogi Park! He'd been looking forward to Matsumoto's death scene, only wishing he'd been able to take Sakurai's place himself.
Aiba giggled again. "If we're done filming, will anyone dare me to squirt all the ketchup into my mouth?"
Ohno laughed. "I'll give you 1000 yen!"
"2000!" Sakurai joined in.
Nino shut his eyes. Idiots. He was surrounded by idiots! He opened them again, and the obvious rage in him shut everyone up. "First, Masaki. Don't you waste that ketchup. Second, Ohno-san, you don't have 1000 yen, and if you did, you have to give it to me anyway! Third, Sakurai-san...actually I don't have any problems with you, good work today."
"Oh, thank you very much!" Sakurai said, bowing.
"And fourth," Nino said, whirling on the still irritated Matsumoto. "Okay, so this is Battle Royale, huh? You've seen this all before, huh? Well you come back here next Saturday, and I'll show you!"
--
Next Saturday, Aiba was still giggling, this time because his high school uniform rental was rather tight. He'd expanded the actor list to three because when there were three principals, Nino knew, it meant you could throw in a love triangle. There wasn't anything much more original than that!
Matsumoto was increasingly unhappy with the direction of the script. Nino hadn't altered that much, only adding Aiba and a pair of foam nunchaku to the scene. Now it wasn't just Battle Royale, no. Nino had been an otaku for a long enough time to know exactly what the audience wanted. Well, he knew exactly what a female audience wanted.
Three good-looking guys touching each other.
"Boys love Battle Royale?" Jun complained, crossing his arms. "Why does it have to be boys love?"
Aiba was practicing with the nunchaku against the tree while Satoshi tried to hold the boom mic in one hand and the ketchup bottle in the other. Sakurai just seemed happy to be involved.
"It's boys love, Matsumoto, because girls like fan service. Watch this." He walked straight up to Ohno and kissed him full on the mouth. In the distance, he could hear some random passerby girls screaming in joy. "See? If you bring the fan service, the girls will come. It's like a siren call."
Ohno dropped the ketchup bottle in shock, touching his lips.
Jun scowled, thick eyebrows knitting together in anger. "But what is my character's motivation? My high school class wants to kill each other to survive, yet I'm in love with a dude?"
"In love with a very much taken dude," Nino replied, wrapping an arm around Sakurai's shoulder. "Because Sakurai's going out with Aiba!"
"Woohoo!" Aiba shouted, seeming proud of himself. "I must be the most popular guy in class!"
"Which is why," Nino continued, dragging Matsumoto by the wrist, "you want Sakurai all to yourself so..." He mimed a stabbing motion over Aiba's heart. "You stab him to death in the middle of the forest."
Aiba fell over dramatically with a death gurgle. And then looked up with a big smile. "And that's when Satoshi covers me in ketchup, right?"
"Why are you my best actor?" Nino mumbled.
Sakurai was blushing. "And then...and then?"
Nino moved to Sakurai, this time kissing him full on the mouth. A different group of random girls cheered their approval from elsewhere in the park. "And then Jun makes out with you."
"You could use some chap stick," Sakurai noted.
Nino turned to Jun. "It's a simple enough premise, right? Well, can we get started already?"
Jun shook his head. "It's still Battle Royale."
Nino didn't think kissing Jun full on the mouth would solve any of his problems, much as Nino knew it would irritate him. Instead he ran over to Satoshi, wrapping an arm around him. "You're not going to kiss me again, are you?" Ohno asked nervously.
Nino ignored him. "Look, how about this for a plot twist. You stab Aiba, you make out with Sho, and then Ohno arrives!"
"Me?" Ohno squeaked.
"Yes. You show up and..." Nino was desperate, running low on ideas he could steal from other movies. "Ohno-san arrives and...he's a time-traveling...samurai...who defeats you...and then raps over the closing credits. Or something."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Jun said.
"Wait, who do I end up with then? Is it a love square?" Sakurai asked. "Do I get to kiss Ohno-san too?"
Nino was starting to wonder where the hell Sakurai Sho had come from.
"Maybe I should take the nunchaku, Aiba-chan," Satoshi said. "Unless I should go buy back the fencing..."
Nino's eyes widened, bringing his finger to his lips to keep Ohno from spilling the beans about Masaki's very much pawned off shit.
"...fencing...stuff. So I could build a fence," Ohno lied, far less skillfully than he had before. "A fence to uh, throw Jun-kun's corpse into?"
He looked from actor to actor - Ohno trying to lie, Aiba confused about Ohno's lie, Sakurai pondering who else he'd get to make out with that day, and finally, Matsumoto's obvious disapproval.
"It's still Battle Royale," the barista hinted. "No matter how many rapping samurai you try to add to it."
"Fine!" he shouted. "We're done shooting for today. We meet at my apartment next Saturday, and whatever we film is going to be the final product. Bring your damn A game, ladies, because if you don't, I will probably kiss you!" Sakurai's face lit up. "Or not kiss you, depending on which situation would be the cause of more mental anguish for you! Dismissed!"
As they walked back to the apartment, Ohno brought up a good point. "So what are you going to do, Nino? I think Jun-kun's going to quit if you don't come up with a good story this time."
"And if only he would quit!" Nino moaned. "But he doesn't! He tells me it sucks but he keeps showing up! This project is a disaster!"
"Well, I think you're right about the boys love thing," Aiba said agreeably. "It seemed pretty effective in the park."
"And Sho-kun will do anything we ask him to," Ohno pointed out.
Nino stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. He knew exactly what he was going to do. It would not only draw in an extraordinary amount of female fans, but it would probably send Jun packing once and for all!
--
They'd gone with Ohno's room instead of Nino's because of Aiba's furniture that was still under the cloth in there. They'd gone to the added expense of tossing rose petals all over Ohno's futon, and Masaki was lighting pink and purple candles for mood lighting.
"But what if Jun-kun says no?" Ohno asked, doing his best to manipulate the boom mic into position over the futon in hopes of capturing the best thigh-slapping noises.
"If he wants to be an actor as badly as he says he does, then he should know this is one of the only ways to get noticed in the industry if you're like him and have zero talent," Nino explained, adjusting the camera lens.
"I guess so," Ohno mused.
Aiba smiled cheerfully. "If you want, I'd be happy to dub the moaning noises in. Just listen to this: uhhhhhhhhhnnnnn. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Yeahhhhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhng."
Nino covered Aiba's mouth with his hand. "I don't think we're going to need you for that, Masaki, but thank you."
The buzzer at the door went off, and Ohno let Sakurai in. Sakurai had done as he was told, wearing loose-fitting clothing he wouldn't mind losing - and what struck Nino as odd was how Sakurai hadn't even asked why.
"Ooh, a bedroom scene!" Sakurai said reverently. "I like the candles!"
Aiba grinned. "They were my idea. Kind of sexy right?"
Sakurai and Aiba must have missed the candles in the corner that proudly announced "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" but otherwise, Nino had to admit he was pleased with the lighting.
Sho shrugged out of his jacket. "So are there any script pages, Nino?"
Nino and Ohno exchanged a look. "Um, script? No, there isn't really a script for this."
"Improv then?" Sho asked. "I'll just do whatever Jun tells me to do."
"That's pretty much how I planned for this to go," Nino admitted. The buzzer went off again. He left the bedroom, leaving Sho to ask Ohno just what kind of scene was planned. He opened the door, spying Jun in the corridor.
"You know, this neighborhood's kind of shady."
He grabbed Jun by the arm, pulling him inside. "Alright, alright, stop judging my life for two seconds so we can get this scene filmed already!"
As soon as Jun was in the bedroom, Nino shut the door and turned the lock behind him.
"Hey!" Jun said, eyes widening as they drifted from candles to rose-petaled futon to Sakurai, who was now wearing Ohno's bathrobe. "This isn't Battle Royale..."
Nino grinned wickedly. "No, it's not Battle Royale. It's a little independent project I like to call Summer Lovemaking Shines In Rainbow Color."
"That title..." Jun murmured.
"Completely original," Nino assured him as he got behind the camera. "Now drop your pants and shake your pickle in Sakurai's face."
"Wait, this is porn?" Sakurai asked, suddenly surprised. "You want us to film gay porn?"
Jun looked traumatized, crouching down with his head in his hands. "My god, it really is the AKB48 of dicks..."
Nino shrugged, ignoring Jun's mental breakdown. "Sho, I didn't think this was going to be a problem for you..."
Sho actually looked furious. "What do you mean? I'm not gay!"
Ohno and Aiba's jaws dropped in surprise, and Nino nearly knocked the video camera over. "Not...gay? You're in a bathrobe! There's rose petals! For god's sake, there's a huge bottle of lube next to the pillow! What the hell did you think this was?"
Sho was babbling. "I thought...I thought it would just be cuddling! Harmless cuddling! Like with a pillow, except that Jun was going to be the pointy-elbowed pillow!"
"And how is that not gay?" Nino screeched.
"I'm sorry, Satoshi, but I'd like to have my clothes back now," Sho said, eyes full of anger at Nino's apparent betrayal of their director-actor relationship.
Ohno handed them over, and Sakurai headed for the bathroom in a huff. For his part, Jun was now lying on the floor crying. "This was going to be my big break, Nino. I can't...I can't do this! I can't do it! I told my parents I was going to be in a great movie, and you want me to...you want me to...another guy's...butt...what if my mom sees...oh god!"
Nino turned the room lights on. He'd lost Sakurai, Jun was collapsing in on himself, and time was up. The contest submissions were due at midnight, and Nino didn't even have five minutes of footage after nearly a month of shooting. Sakurai returned, fully dressed, and he dragged Matsumoto to his feet.
"Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee," he said gently.
"But I work at a coffee shop," Jun protested, and the pair of them left the apartment.
Aiba and Ohno exchanged a quick look before taking about ten steps in opposite directions of one another. "Nino, maybe you should go back to your other ideas," Aiba said gently, blowing out the HAPPY BIRTHDAY candles. "We could still have an action scene if we use my fencing equipment. Or you could make a baseball documentary! We could just read stats off my Oh Sadaharu card..."
"But that's in storage," Ohno blurted out.
"Well, they have to be done spraying for the termites by now," Aiba said, trying to encourage the pair of them. "Come on, let's go get my stuff..."
"Aiba-chan," Nino tried to interrupt.
"Why? Are those bad ideas? If you're really stuck on the porn thing, I've got this book about nipples..."
Nino shut his eyes tight and prayed. "Aiba-chan, we sold your stuff at the pawn shop so I could finance my movie!"
He cracked one eye open, seeing Ohno's shocked face, and the increasing shock on Masaki's.
"Sold my...stuff? You mean it's not in storage?"
"We made that part up, Aiba-chan," Ohno said quietly. "We're very sorry. It's my fault because I don't have a job."
"I...I didn't think you'd be back from Africa so soon," Nino tried to explain, seeing Aiba's face start to change. Nino had never actually seen Aiba get angry before, ever, so his fear grew with each passing second. "So we sold the fencing stuff and your books and your baseball cards...initially it was just to pay the rent, but when I found out that Yamashita was making a movie, I just couldn't leave it be. So...yeah."
Aiba simply left the room, grabbing his large pack from the corner of the living room. "Ohno-san, thank you for letting me stay with you. And as for you, Nino, I'm going to go home to Chiba for a while. I'll get a moving truck and come pick up my furniture. Try not to sell it before then, okay?"
He left, slamming the door behind him. Which was easier since he was headed out of the apartment and not into it.
Nino picked up the lube from Ohno's futon and held it up expectantly. Ohno only shook his head.
"Yeah, I didn't think so," Nino mumbled.
--
The Resolution
--
He'd stared at iMovie for the last six hours, and he had very little to show for it. If it wasn't Jun staring straight at the camera, Sho staring down at his script, or Aiba giggling in the background, the sound was missing because, of course, Ohno had never actually remembered to turn the microphone on during all four weeks of shooting.
"I can't submit this," he moaned. "Any of this! There's nothing to tie any of it together!"
"Well," Ohno said, sitting beside him on the couch, "maybe the movie's just not meant to be? Maybe it's a sign that we should sell this back so we can get Aiba-chan's stuff?"
He shut his laptop lid sadly. "Maybe you're right."
He was the worst kind of person imaginable. He didn't really dislike Jun that much, and he'd turned the aspiring actor into a hot babbling mess. He'd actually liked Sakurai, and he'd offended him and sent him packing. And Aiba was one of his best friends, and he'd broken his trust. All so he could get one over on Yamashita from high school A/V club. It was pathetic. It was sad. And he had to make things right.
"Satoshi," he decided. "I need you to film me."
Ohno wrinkled his nose. "I don't have to go buy roses for this, do I?"
"Nope. I just need you to film me for 10 minutes. And then we'll go straight to the pawn shop."
The documentary about swordfish was just ending, making Ohno far more agreeable. "Okay then."
--
He was surprised that they'd shown up: Jun just fresh off a casting call for another role as a corpse, Sho still in his business suit after a long day at the office, and Aiba smelling a bit like the Chinese restaurant his parents operated in Chiba.
It had been far more sentimental than Nino liked, but he'd filmed a ten minute apology video where he told his friends (and they were his friends, he'd decided) how sorry he was for putting the needs of his film over being honest and truthful and nice to them. He apologized to Jun for not having original ideas to showcase his talent. He apologized to Sho for assuming he was gay because he liked to kiss and snuggle with other men. And he apologized to Aiba for profiting off of his personal effects. Then he'd spent the last three minutes on his hands and knees, forehead touching the floor before Ohno announced that the battery was dying.
The five of them said their brief hellos, nobody really wanting to confront Nino about the apology video, but from everyone's lack of anger, Nino assumed that most, if not all, had been forgiven. He snuck an envelope of money into Masaki's pants pocket as they entered the movie theater.
Today was the showing of the entries from the winners of The Kanto Region Rising Stars of Stage and Screen Foundation grants. All of them were actually kind of curious as to what Yamashita had used the grant money to produce - if anything, it had to be better than the Hana Yori Dango slash Battle Royale slash boys love Battle Royale slash porn that Nino had attempted to make.
As they took their seats, Sho handed him a business card - his office was looking to hire someone to shoot some sexual harassment videos for the Human Resources department. Jun was set to star as "Unwanted Sexual Advances Employee Number Two." Aiba squeezed his hand in thanks for the returned money as the lights went dim, and Nino felt a lot better than he had in days. The credits flashed across the screen:
Gentlemen Over Bouquets:
A Story of Love Between Rich and Poor
A Yamashita Tomohisa Film
"Oh, you're fucking kidding me," Nino murmured in the darkness.
The End