The One Less Traveled
Title: The One Less Traveled
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Summary: When Sho slept that night, he wondered about all the things that Jun wanted to talk about. Or more like the things Jun wanted to confess to him. He had too much to focus on already.
Notes/Warnings: Hopefully this will please all the Sakumoto stans on Tumblr, who spam with photos and keep feeding my obsessive love with this pairing. Keep speculating and tinhatting, ladies. Oh, and I made a big presumption in this fic by putting Sho at the Mita campus of Keio - it was mostly self-serving. I don't know which campus he actually spent most of his time at.
2001
He shoved his books in his bag angrily, and even with it folded and hidden between the textbook pages it was impossible to forget the words that had been inked at the top of his page by his instructor. The essay itself hadn't been awful, but then again, it hadn't been his best.
Focus, Sakurai-san.
It was hard not to laugh as his classmates filed out of the lecture hall, chatting with friends as they headed off for home or out on the town. Focus, Sakurai-san. Easier said than done. He didn't head for home or out on the town. Instead, when he left the building and out the main gate, the company car was waiting for him.
The other members were already waiting for him at the studio for filming, and he muttered a few apologies for arriving last. It was a balancing act, one that had only grown more troublesome since he'd started university. It was easier to be followed around campus than it had been in high school, and it was easier to be followed around since his face had been plastered around TV and in music stores in the two years they'd been debuted.
But Sho managed. All he could do was manage the path he'd chosen, doing his best with school and with work. What Sho didn't need, though, was something else to manage. Something else to make time for.
"Sho-kun has exams next week," he could hear Matsujun whispering to the others as he wolfed down the meal they'd been provided before filming. "Let's give him some room."
But Matsujun never gave him any room. Sure, they'd been friends for a long time now, and they worked well together as Arashi, but Sho had known for a while that that wasn't where it ended. If the other members noticed, they never said anything, and Sho was usually too busy to bother with it between school and work. But then Matsujun would go and say something like "let's give him some room" and Sho would get angry. Sho would get nasty thoughts about telling Matsujun to mind his own business. To just do his work and not worry about him.
To stop being in love with him.
Or whatever it was, Sho thought furiously, nearly snapping the cheap wooden chopsticks they'd been given in half as the others got ready to head out to the studio, and Jun waited for him like some pet. He always waited. And Sho had been perfectly content to keep him waiting. He had school. And they both had Arashi. Jun could wait forever as far as Sho was concerned.
He picked up his trash and grumbled at the mess Nino and Aiba had left on the table, brushing the crumbs into his palm to dump out. "You can let the staff-san get that, you know," Jun told him, watching him from the doorway.
"You guys are so lazy sometimes," he muttered, not satisfied until he'd tidied their space completely.
Jun was still there waiting when he was ready to go. Sho didn't say anything to him as he moved past his bandmate, hearing Jun walking behind him with his awkward, clumsy steps. He'd gotten taller the past few years, but he was always content to trail behind, and it made him annoying.
Sho had always liked Jun's company. He was quiet when he wasn't trying to be funny, and he liked going to the movies. But it had gotten weird since Hawaii, since debut. Since Jun wasn't really someone he could consider just a friend any longer. Now Jun was someone he saw constantly, had to work with constantly. Now Jun was someone who waited for him, waited for an answer to a question he'd never bothered to ask Sho out loud. And Sho kind of hated him for it.
They made it to the studio, and the staff was waiting to get their microphones attached and get them ready for filming. Sho shook off his angry feelings as best he could. Focus, Sakurai-san.
Jun cornered him after the filming, and his eyes were serious. Serious in a way they hadn't been since they found out they were going to debut and debut together.
"Sho-kun, are you busy tomorrow?"
Well, he had exams to study for, and his manager had said there would be a drama in the winter season the jimusho wanted him to audition for soon. But compared to a day like today, it was nothing. "Not really. I just have class in the afternoon."
Jun scratched awkwardly at his cheek. "Can I meet you?"
"At campus? Hell no."
Jun laughed that strange laugh of his. It was too much, like he was laughing for TV. He didn't have to be comedy leader when they weren't on TV or performing, he wanted to scream. "No, no, I won't bother you at school. I don't want to get you in any trouble. I...well, could you meet me then? I don't know, in the neighborhood? I want to talk."
"We're talking right now, Matsujun."
Jun wrinkled his nose, looking around their small dressing room. "Just...I just..."
It was like all the times Jun had called him in the middle of the night, wanting to talk and not actually having anything to say. "Fine," Sho decided. When Jun called him, it was easier to just say he was busy and hang up. With Jun in front of him, weird and fidgety, Sho had to agree. "Fine, I'll meet you tomorrow. There's a cafe near Shiba Park, I'll meet you there. We can talk about whatever you want."
When Sho slept that night, he wondered about all the things that Jun wanted to talk about. Or more like the things Jun wanted to confess to him. He thought of his mediocre essay in his bag, and the message from his concerned professor. Focus, Sakurai-san. He had too much to focus on already.
--
He found Jun sitting in the back of the cafe nursing a melon soda after class the following day. It was the middle of the afternoon, and it was mostly empty. He ordered juice from the waitress and waited for Jun to talk.
"I'm glad you came. I wanted to be honest with you because...well, because if I never tell you I might regret it later," Jun said, pinching a napkin between his long, thin fingers.
Sho focused on the strap of his bookbag on the chair beside him. "Okay."
"I'm not saying I want you to do anything about it. I'm not...I'm not stupid, even if you think I am. You don't have to...you don't have to say anything at all, ever. I won't be mad. I just...I'm glad you're here."
Sho sighed, watching Jun's fingers shred the napkin to pieces. "Matsujun, just say it already."
"I like Sho-kun. I've liked you for a long time," Jun admitted. "I've never known what to do about it, so I just work hard. And I look for girls to go out with. But I do like you. I just wanted you to know that. I mean, like I said, you don't have to say anything. I just feel better with you knowing."
The waitress interrupted Jun's rambling confession then, depositing Sho's juice on the table with an oblivious but friendly expression. "Please enjoy it!"
Sho had university. And Arashi. He had exams to study for and a drama to worry about and everything that required his full attention, his focus. He took a sip of his juice, nibbling on the straw for a few moments and staring out the window at Tokyo Tower before meeting Jun's eyes.
"I...think," Sho considered, holding the straw between his fingers, "I think I like you, too."
2006
He found Jun leaning against the cafe's front glass, looking more inconspicuous than attractive. It was a chilly night for the time of year, even with fall just arriving, and Sho shivered as he hurried across the street to meet him.
"Be easier at home," Jun chided him, pulling his face mask off briefly so Sho could brush their lips together in greeting.
"Easier at home, sure," Sho admitted as Jun slipped the mask back on. "But it's nostalgic meeting you here."
He could almost hear Jun's eyes rolling as they slipped away from the cafe to enter the park. The years had seemed to flip their personalities: Jun had grown serious and contemplative, Sho had softened, relaxed. It was nearly 3:00 in the morning, and they had location shooting the coming afternoon, but Jun had news. Sho wanted to hear it in person.
The past five years had been good to them and good to Arashi. The group had struggled, but things were looking up. There had been more and more work. Nino had even been to Hollywood. Jun wasn't as sentimental as he had once been, and he was loath to admit that the group's endurance had anything to do with their own relationship.
Not that they really had one. They never had much time to slow down, and they both dated around to maintain an expected image, but ever since that day in the cafe, things in Sho's life made a lot more sense. He was busy, but when times got tough, he could always count on Jun to be there. As their careers evolved and developed, he could always count on Jun as a constant.
It was dark under the trees, and Jun's demanding fingers worked their way into Sho's jacket pocket, curling around Sho's own. "So this news you have for me," Sho asked, squeezing back.
"A new single for Arashi soon, I imagine," Jun muttered.
"Oh, and why are you privy to this information before me?"
Jun chuckled. "Looks like there will be a sequel to Hana Yori Dango come winter season."
"Oh no," Sho grumbled.
Jun stopped them under one of the street lamps along the path, his eyebrows raising. Sho almost laughed - the mask did little to conceal who he was up close. "Oh no?"
Sho chuckled. "What are they going to do to your hair this time, Domyouji-sama?"
They fell into step again, heading for where Sho had parked around the corner. "They can do whatever they want to my hair," Jun said, trying to sound cool and utterly failing as they got into the car and pulled away.
Sho figured his time was limited, so as soon as they got in the door at Jun's place, he pushed him back against it and let his fingers get lost in the thick dark strands of Jun's hair that would soon be horribly permed for months.
Jun smiled at the attention in the spare moments Sho allowed their mouths to stray from each other.
2011
It was stupid, Sho knew. He'd worked hard for so many years to not be stupid, and admitting his feelings to Jun had been the stupidest he'd allowed himself to be. Not that it hadn't been the best decision he'd ever made.
Jun didn't give him a second to speak before he was pulling Sho away from the cafe and into the park, the tower's orange glow visible through the trees' canopy. "Stupid, stupid," Sho hissed as Jun chuckled. His grip was tight, hauling them off the gravel path and into a cluster of trees. "Matsujun, this is stupid!"
All he got in response was Jun's sadistic laugh. Leaves crunched under his shoes, and he could barely keep himself from tripping over rocks and branches. "I scouted earlier," Jun insisted.
Earlier? When earlier? Jun didn't have time for that with his play rehearsals, Sho knew. Then again, Jun was a diligent and dutiful person - if anyone in his life could manipulate time, it would be him. Sho had drama filming from 5 AM, and Jun had a matinee performance to be prepared for. They usually saved this for the comfort and privacy of indoors.
But Jun knocked him down to the dirt with another laugh. "You know what day it is, hmm?"
Sho sighed as Jun sat down on top of him, claiming him like some prize. Jun had been treating him like a subordinate ever since the powers that be had decided that Sho would play a butler. "No, what day is it?"
"Ten years ago, we were here."
"Here?" Sho squeaked. So that's what he meant by scouted earlier, huh? He'd managed to find the spot in the woods where they'd tried kissing the first time, after the awkward confession in the cafe. Where Jun had tasted like melon soda, and Sho had decided that it was a lot weirder than kissing a girl. That it would just be another thing in his life to worry about.
And Sho was worried now as Jun fumbled with Sho's belt buckle. "Ten years ago we didn't do this," Sho pointed out nervously.
It was dark, and he could only find Jun by touch. The feel of the tight muscles under Jun's t-shirt that he'd carefully trained for months made Sho a little less hesitant. "No, we didn't," Jun admitted, unzipping his jeans. "But I wanted to. I wanted to so badly."
"You're irresponsible," Sho complained, rolling them over defiantly until Jun was beneath him. "Then and now."
"You showed up," Jun murmured as Sho's mouth found his collarbone, knowing full well that Jun had to go through a great deal of his play without a shirt on. "You showed up that day for me. And you showed up tonight. Now who's irresponsible?"
He shuddered at the feeling of the cool night air on his skin. "You got me."
"That much I've always known, Sho-san."
2016
It was broad daylight, but they didn't much care. They had enough pull to get seated in the private room in the upstairs of the cafe. It afforded a lovely view of the park and Tokyo Tower beyond, but today the skies were gloomy to match Sho's mood.
Jun dismissed the star-struck waitress fairly quickly with a polite, but curt request for two coffees and some privacy. It was a mistake that any of them could have made. In so many years, it was surprising that it had taken so long, but it was difficult to mask the disappointment. Any number of screens across the nation were broadcasting it, the Internet was exploding with it, the newspapers were selling their shit-stirring commentary with abandon.
On every newspaper cover was the photo from the press conference and the misleading headline: The Day Arashi Died?
Jun was chewing on his lip as the waitress returned with their drinks, and Sho reached for a sugar packet. "Well," he said as brightly as he dared, "we always thought we'd be the last ones to know until it was in the newspaper."
Jun didn't laugh, adding some milk to the cup and letting it swirl into the black liquid.
They'd all been together so long that it didn't feel like a betrayal, not really. These things happened, even if you did your utmost to be careful. Leader had just never been that careful from the start. Maybe if it had been a respected actress or a singer it wouldn't sting so much. But Ohno Satoshi, Arashi's leader, was marrying an up-and-coming model because of one night where he'd chosen to not be careful. At least he was owning up to his mistake, Sho thought.
Sho took a sip of his coffee, examining Jun closely. Seeing the dark circles around his eyes. He knew that none of them had been sleeping. "I'm not even mad anymore," Jun admitted. "I don't know what I'm feeling."
"It'll blow over," Sho said, trying to sound encouraging. Even if he had ZERO that night and would have to offer opinions about what Ohno's sudden marriage meant for the future of Arashi. "He's assuming responsibility like any good man would."
But Arashi had always meant something to Jun that the four of them would never be able to reach. Arashi was everything to him, even now. Jun's feelings for Arashi were something even Sho couldn't shake him from.
And yet Arashi seemed to be the furthest from Jun's mind when he next spoke. "Do you ever think about getting married?" Jun asked.
Sho nearly choked on his drink. "What?"
Jun met his eyes. "You do think about it, don't you? As long as we...I...I wouldn't want to keep you from being happy. I don't want to be the reason you can't have a family."
Sho set down his mug. "Don't say something like that," he said, grabbing his jacket. His chair scraped back against the floor noisily. "Don't say something like that to me ever again."
"Sho-san?" Jun called after him, but he was already out the door and heading down the stairs and out the back door of the cafe.
Jun found him in the alley as the skies opened up. "What did I say? It's true!"
Sho felt the rain start to soak into his clothes as he pulled Jun to him. "It's not. You're my happiness, and if that means I can't..." He kissed him. "I just...I don't care, okay?"
Jun looked as scared as he had on the plane to Hawaii. Had it been seventeen years since then?
"What if...what if I wanted that though?" he asked, shivering in the rain. "What if that's what I want, Sho-san?"
2026
They hadn't seen each other privately in nearly a year, and there was something almost uncomfortable about meeting at the cafe across from Shiba Park.
He knew Jun couldn't ignore the silver band on his ring finger. It signified what Sho had gained and what Jun hadn't seemed to work out for himself. His second wife had just filed for divorce. The first had been cruel enough to cheat on him, the second didn't want the family she had wanted when they'd gotten married.
It hurt, seeing Jun's name on every TV show. Every tabloid assuming he was a "difficult" husband to have because he worked so hard. But he worked just as hard, if not more so, on his personal life. Sho knew that from experience.
"I'm sorry," he found himself muttering, knowing it wasn't much of a comfort to him.
"Why are you the one saying that?" Jun asked, his bitter smile only serving to make Sho feel worse.
He should have fought harder. Back then he should have fought harder for Jun. It had always been different with Jun. It had always felt right. But Jun wanted a family, and Sho had thought that letting him go had been the right thing to do. Maybe he should have been more selfish. He looked out the window, seeing the thick clusters of trees and the gravel path disappearing into the green. The cafe, the park - all places with memories he couldn't forget.
"Why did you ask me to come here?" Sho asked quietly.
"If you're expecting another mortifying confession from me, Sakurai, don't worry. I won't. Not this time."
He chuckled. "You were eighteen. It's not easy to confess to begin with, especially to a guy."
"When I asked you to come though," Jun continued. "That day I asked you to meet me here after rehearsal..."
"After class," Sho corrected him, the memories flooding back. He'd been so angry. What had he been so angry about? A bad grade?
"After class, whatever," Jun said dismissively, as though his memory wasn't the one at fault. "I didn't think you'd come."
"You didn't?"
"No. I mean, it was stupid of me, thinking I could just ask you out. Because you weren't just Sakurai Sho, my friend, but Sakurai Sho, the idol in Arashi. It was just insane, wasn't it?"
Sho still remembered the way his heart raced on the way to the cafe, the walk from the Keio campus to the park, Tokyo Tower looming larger with each step forward.
"What would you have done?" he asked. "If I hadn't shown up that day? I mean, we were pretty inseparable from that day on, weren't we? All the crazy shit we did. All that fan service and nobody even dared to ask what the hell was up with us."
"And Sakumoto SJ," Jun laughed, "I think Nino still holds a grudge for us coming up with that first."
They laughed together, the memories seeming to wrap around them, comfort them. "It really would have been different," Sho decided, catching Jun's gaze.
He grinned. "I would have hated you. I know how I was back then, and for the longest time, I would have hated you."
"That's a bit much. Do you think we would have made up?"
Jun shrugged. "For the sake of Arashi? Probably. Maybe we would have found each other at some point. Or maybe never. It's odd to think about in any case."
"Well, that's life, isn't it, Matsujun?" He couldn't stop thinking about the ring on his finger. "It's all about where our choices take us."
2001
"No, no, I won't bother you at school. I don't want to get you in any trouble. I...well, could you meet me then? I don't know, in the neighborhood? I want to talk."
"We're talking right now, Matsujun."
Jun wrinkled his nose, looking around their small dressing room. "Just...I just..."
It was like all the times Jun had called him in the middle of the night, wanting to talk and not actually having anything to say. "Fine," Sho agreed. When Jun called him, it was easier to just say he was busy and hang up. With Jun in front of him, weird and fidgety, Sho had to agree. "Fine, I'll meet you tomorrow. There's a cafe near Shiba Park, I'll meet you there. We can talk about whatever you want."
When Sho slept that night, he wondered about all the things that Jun wanted to talk about. Or more like the things Jun wanted to confess to him. He thought of his mediocre essay in his bag, and the message from his concerned professor. Focus, Sakurai-san. He had too much to focus on already.
--
He saw Jun sitting in the back of the cafe nursing a melon soda after class the following day. It was the middle of the afternoon, and it was mostly empty. He stood watching from outside the glass for almost a minute before turning around and walking away.
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Summary: When Sho slept that night, he wondered about all the things that Jun wanted to talk about. Or more like the things Jun wanted to confess to him. He had too much to focus on already.
Notes/Warnings: Hopefully this will please all the Sakumoto stans on Tumblr, who spam with photos and keep feeding my obsessive love with this pairing. Keep speculating and tinhatting, ladies. Oh, and I made a big presumption in this fic by putting Sho at the Mita campus of Keio - it was mostly self-serving. I don't know which campus he actually spent most of his time at.
2001
He shoved his books in his bag angrily, and even with it folded and hidden between the textbook pages it was impossible to forget the words that had been inked at the top of his page by his instructor. The essay itself hadn't been awful, but then again, it hadn't been his best.
Focus, Sakurai-san.
It was hard not to laugh as his classmates filed out of the lecture hall, chatting with friends as they headed off for home or out on the town. Focus, Sakurai-san. Easier said than done. He didn't head for home or out on the town. Instead, when he left the building and out the main gate, the company car was waiting for him.
The other members were already waiting for him at the studio for filming, and he muttered a few apologies for arriving last. It was a balancing act, one that had only grown more troublesome since he'd started university. It was easier to be followed around campus than it had been in high school, and it was easier to be followed around since his face had been plastered around TV and in music stores in the two years they'd been debuted.
But Sho managed. All he could do was manage the path he'd chosen, doing his best with school and with work. What Sho didn't need, though, was something else to manage. Something else to make time for.
"Sho-kun has exams next week," he could hear Matsujun whispering to the others as he wolfed down the meal they'd been provided before filming. "Let's give him some room."
But Matsujun never gave him any room. Sure, they'd been friends for a long time now, and they worked well together as Arashi, but Sho had known for a while that that wasn't where it ended. If the other members noticed, they never said anything, and Sho was usually too busy to bother with it between school and work. But then Matsujun would go and say something like "let's give him some room" and Sho would get angry. Sho would get nasty thoughts about telling Matsujun to mind his own business. To just do his work and not worry about him.
To stop being in love with him.
Or whatever it was, Sho thought furiously, nearly snapping the cheap wooden chopsticks they'd been given in half as the others got ready to head out to the studio, and Jun waited for him like some pet. He always waited. And Sho had been perfectly content to keep him waiting. He had school. And they both had Arashi. Jun could wait forever as far as Sho was concerned.
He picked up his trash and grumbled at the mess Nino and Aiba had left on the table, brushing the crumbs into his palm to dump out. "You can let the staff-san get that, you know," Jun told him, watching him from the doorway.
"You guys are so lazy sometimes," he muttered, not satisfied until he'd tidied their space completely.
Jun was still there waiting when he was ready to go. Sho didn't say anything to him as he moved past his bandmate, hearing Jun walking behind him with his awkward, clumsy steps. He'd gotten taller the past few years, but he was always content to trail behind, and it made him annoying.
Sho had always liked Jun's company. He was quiet when he wasn't trying to be funny, and he liked going to the movies. But it had gotten weird since Hawaii, since debut. Since Jun wasn't really someone he could consider just a friend any longer. Now Jun was someone he saw constantly, had to work with constantly. Now Jun was someone who waited for him, waited for an answer to a question he'd never bothered to ask Sho out loud. And Sho kind of hated him for it.
They made it to the studio, and the staff was waiting to get their microphones attached and get them ready for filming. Sho shook off his angry feelings as best he could. Focus, Sakurai-san.
Jun cornered him after the filming, and his eyes were serious. Serious in a way they hadn't been since they found out they were going to debut and debut together.
"Sho-kun, are you busy tomorrow?"
Well, he had exams to study for, and his manager had said there would be a drama in the winter season the jimusho wanted him to audition for soon. But compared to a day like today, it was nothing. "Not really. I just have class in the afternoon."
Jun scratched awkwardly at his cheek. "Can I meet you?"
"At campus? Hell no."
Jun laughed that strange laugh of his. It was too much, like he was laughing for TV. He didn't have to be comedy leader when they weren't on TV or performing, he wanted to scream. "No, no, I won't bother you at school. I don't want to get you in any trouble. I...well, could you meet me then? I don't know, in the neighborhood? I want to talk."
"We're talking right now, Matsujun."
Jun wrinkled his nose, looking around their small dressing room. "Just...I just..."
It was like all the times Jun had called him in the middle of the night, wanting to talk and not actually having anything to say. "Fine," Sho decided. When Jun called him, it was easier to just say he was busy and hang up. With Jun in front of him, weird and fidgety, Sho had to agree. "Fine, I'll meet you tomorrow. There's a cafe near Shiba Park, I'll meet you there. We can talk about whatever you want."
When Sho slept that night, he wondered about all the things that Jun wanted to talk about. Or more like the things Jun wanted to confess to him. He thought of his mediocre essay in his bag, and the message from his concerned professor. Focus, Sakurai-san. He had too much to focus on already.
--
He found Jun sitting in the back of the cafe nursing a melon soda after class the following day. It was the middle of the afternoon, and it was mostly empty. He ordered juice from the waitress and waited for Jun to talk.
"I'm glad you came. I wanted to be honest with you because...well, because if I never tell you I might regret it later," Jun said, pinching a napkin between his long, thin fingers.
Sho focused on the strap of his bookbag on the chair beside him. "Okay."
"I'm not saying I want you to do anything about it. I'm not...I'm not stupid, even if you think I am. You don't have to...you don't have to say anything at all, ever. I won't be mad. I just...I'm glad you're here."
Sho sighed, watching Jun's fingers shred the napkin to pieces. "Matsujun, just say it already."
"I like Sho-kun. I've liked you for a long time," Jun admitted. "I've never known what to do about it, so I just work hard. And I look for girls to go out with. But I do like you. I just wanted you to know that. I mean, like I said, you don't have to say anything. I just feel better with you knowing."
The waitress interrupted Jun's rambling confession then, depositing Sho's juice on the table with an oblivious but friendly expression. "Please enjoy it!"
Sho had university. And Arashi. He had exams to study for and a drama to worry about and everything that required his full attention, his focus. He took a sip of his juice, nibbling on the straw for a few moments and staring out the window at Tokyo Tower before meeting Jun's eyes.
"I...think," Sho considered, holding the straw between his fingers, "I think I like you, too."
2006
He found Jun leaning against the cafe's front glass, looking more inconspicuous than attractive. It was a chilly night for the time of year, even with fall just arriving, and Sho shivered as he hurried across the street to meet him.
"Be easier at home," Jun chided him, pulling his face mask off briefly so Sho could brush their lips together in greeting.
"Easier at home, sure," Sho admitted as Jun slipped the mask back on. "But it's nostalgic meeting you here."
He could almost hear Jun's eyes rolling as they slipped away from the cafe to enter the park. The years had seemed to flip their personalities: Jun had grown serious and contemplative, Sho had softened, relaxed. It was nearly 3:00 in the morning, and they had location shooting the coming afternoon, but Jun had news. Sho wanted to hear it in person.
The past five years had been good to them and good to Arashi. The group had struggled, but things were looking up. There had been more and more work. Nino had even been to Hollywood. Jun wasn't as sentimental as he had once been, and he was loath to admit that the group's endurance had anything to do with their own relationship.
Not that they really had one. They never had much time to slow down, and they both dated around to maintain an expected image, but ever since that day in the cafe, things in Sho's life made a lot more sense. He was busy, but when times got tough, he could always count on Jun to be there. As their careers evolved and developed, he could always count on Jun as a constant.
It was dark under the trees, and Jun's demanding fingers worked their way into Sho's jacket pocket, curling around Sho's own. "So this news you have for me," Sho asked, squeezing back.
"A new single for Arashi soon, I imagine," Jun muttered.
"Oh, and why are you privy to this information before me?"
Jun chuckled. "Looks like there will be a sequel to Hana Yori Dango come winter season."
"Oh no," Sho grumbled.
Jun stopped them under one of the street lamps along the path, his eyebrows raising. Sho almost laughed - the mask did little to conceal who he was up close. "Oh no?"
Sho chuckled. "What are they going to do to your hair this time, Domyouji-sama?"
They fell into step again, heading for where Sho had parked around the corner. "They can do whatever they want to my hair," Jun said, trying to sound cool and utterly failing as they got into the car and pulled away.
Sho figured his time was limited, so as soon as they got in the door at Jun's place, he pushed him back against it and let his fingers get lost in the thick dark strands of Jun's hair that would soon be horribly permed for months.
Jun smiled at the attention in the spare moments Sho allowed their mouths to stray from each other.
2011
It was stupid, Sho knew. He'd worked hard for so many years to not be stupid, and admitting his feelings to Jun had been the stupidest he'd allowed himself to be. Not that it hadn't been the best decision he'd ever made.
Jun didn't give him a second to speak before he was pulling Sho away from the cafe and into the park, the tower's orange glow visible through the trees' canopy. "Stupid, stupid," Sho hissed as Jun chuckled. His grip was tight, hauling them off the gravel path and into a cluster of trees. "Matsujun, this is stupid!"
All he got in response was Jun's sadistic laugh. Leaves crunched under his shoes, and he could barely keep himself from tripping over rocks and branches. "I scouted earlier," Jun insisted.
Earlier? When earlier? Jun didn't have time for that with his play rehearsals, Sho knew. Then again, Jun was a diligent and dutiful person - if anyone in his life could manipulate time, it would be him. Sho had drama filming from 5 AM, and Jun had a matinee performance to be prepared for. They usually saved this for the comfort and privacy of indoors.
But Jun knocked him down to the dirt with another laugh. "You know what day it is, hmm?"
Sho sighed as Jun sat down on top of him, claiming him like some prize. Jun had been treating him like a subordinate ever since the powers that be had decided that Sho would play a butler. "No, what day is it?"
"Ten years ago, we were here."
"Here?" Sho squeaked. So that's what he meant by scouted earlier, huh? He'd managed to find the spot in the woods where they'd tried kissing the first time, after the awkward confession in the cafe. Where Jun had tasted like melon soda, and Sho had decided that it was a lot weirder than kissing a girl. That it would just be another thing in his life to worry about.
And Sho was worried now as Jun fumbled with Sho's belt buckle. "Ten years ago we didn't do this," Sho pointed out nervously.
It was dark, and he could only find Jun by touch. The feel of the tight muscles under Jun's t-shirt that he'd carefully trained for months made Sho a little less hesitant. "No, we didn't," Jun admitted, unzipping his jeans. "But I wanted to. I wanted to so badly."
"You're irresponsible," Sho complained, rolling them over defiantly until Jun was beneath him. "Then and now."
"You showed up," Jun murmured as Sho's mouth found his collarbone, knowing full well that Jun had to go through a great deal of his play without a shirt on. "You showed up that day for me. And you showed up tonight. Now who's irresponsible?"
He shuddered at the feeling of the cool night air on his skin. "You got me."
"That much I've always known, Sho-san."
2016
It was broad daylight, but they didn't much care. They had enough pull to get seated in the private room in the upstairs of the cafe. It afforded a lovely view of the park and Tokyo Tower beyond, but today the skies were gloomy to match Sho's mood.
Jun dismissed the star-struck waitress fairly quickly with a polite, but curt request for two coffees and some privacy. It was a mistake that any of them could have made. In so many years, it was surprising that it had taken so long, but it was difficult to mask the disappointment. Any number of screens across the nation were broadcasting it, the Internet was exploding with it, the newspapers were selling their shit-stirring commentary with abandon.
On every newspaper cover was the photo from the press conference and the misleading headline: The Day Arashi Died?
Jun was chewing on his lip as the waitress returned with their drinks, and Sho reached for a sugar packet. "Well," he said as brightly as he dared, "we always thought we'd be the last ones to know until it was in the newspaper."
Jun didn't laugh, adding some milk to the cup and letting it swirl into the black liquid.
They'd all been together so long that it didn't feel like a betrayal, not really. These things happened, even if you did your utmost to be careful. Leader had just never been that careful from the start. Maybe if it had been a respected actress or a singer it wouldn't sting so much. But Ohno Satoshi, Arashi's leader, was marrying an up-and-coming model because of one night where he'd chosen to not be careful. At least he was owning up to his mistake, Sho thought.
Sho took a sip of his coffee, examining Jun closely. Seeing the dark circles around his eyes. He knew that none of them had been sleeping. "I'm not even mad anymore," Jun admitted. "I don't know what I'm feeling."
"It'll blow over," Sho said, trying to sound encouraging. Even if he had ZERO that night and would have to offer opinions about what Ohno's sudden marriage meant for the future of Arashi. "He's assuming responsibility like any good man would."
But Arashi had always meant something to Jun that the four of them would never be able to reach. Arashi was everything to him, even now. Jun's feelings for Arashi were something even Sho couldn't shake him from.
And yet Arashi seemed to be the furthest from Jun's mind when he next spoke. "Do you ever think about getting married?" Jun asked.
Sho nearly choked on his drink. "What?"
Jun met his eyes. "You do think about it, don't you? As long as we...I...I wouldn't want to keep you from being happy. I don't want to be the reason you can't have a family."
Sho set down his mug. "Don't say something like that," he said, grabbing his jacket. His chair scraped back against the floor noisily. "Don't say something like that to me ever again."
"Sho-san?" Jun called after him, but he was already out the door and heading down the stairs and out the back door of the cafe.
Jun found him in the alley as the skies opened up. "What did I say? It's true!"
Sho felt the rain start to soak into his clothes as he pulled Jun to him. "It's not. You're my happiness, and if that means I can't..." He kissed him. "I just...I don't care, okay?"
Jun looked as scared as he had on the plane to Hawaii. Had it been seventeen years since then?
"What if...what if I wanted that though?" he asked, shivering in the rain. "What if that's what I want, Sho-san?"
2026
They hadn't seen each other privately in nearly a year, and there was something almost uncomfortable about meeting at the cafe across from Shiba Park.
He knew Jun couldn't ignore the silver band on his ring finger. It signified what Sho had gained and what Jun hadn't seemed to work out for himself. His second wife had just filed for divorce. The first had been cruel enough to cheat on him, the second didn't want the family she had wanted when they'd gotten married.
It hurt, seeing Jun's name on every TV show. Every tabloid assuming he was a "difficult" husband to have because he worked so hard. But he worked just as hard, if not more so, on his personal life. Sho knew that from experience.
"I'm sorry," he found himself muttering, knowing it wasn't much of a comfort to him.
"Why are you the one saying that?" Jun asked, his bitter smile only serving to make Sho feel worse.
He should have fought harder. Back then he should have fought harder for Jun. It had always been different with Jun. It had always felt right. But Jun wanted a family, and Sho had thought that letting him go had been the right thing to do. Maybe he should have been more selfish. He looked out the window, seeing the thick clusters of trees and the gravel path disappearing into the green. The cafe, the park - all places with memories he couldn't forget.
"Why did you ask me to come here?" Sho asked quietly.
"If you're expecting another mortifying confession from me, Sakurai, don't worry. I won't. Not this time."
He chuckled. "You were eighteen. It's not easy to confess to begin with, especially to a guy."
"When I asked you to come though," Jun continued. "That day I asked you to meet me here after rehearsal..."
"After class," Sho corrected him, the memories flooding back. He'd been so angry. What had he been so angry about? A bad grade?
"After class, whatever," Jun said dismissively, as though his memory wasn't the one at fault. "I didn't think you'd come."
"You didn't?"
"No. I mean, it was stupid of me, thinking I could just ask you out. Because you weren't just Sakurai Sho, my friend, but Sakurai Sho, the idol in Arashi. It was just insane, wasn't it?"
Sho still remembered the way his heart raced on the way to the cafe, the walk from the Keio campus to the park, Tokyo Tower looming larger with each step forward.
"What would you have done?" he asked. "If I hadn't shown up that day? I mean, we were pretty inseparable from that day on, weren't we? All the crazy shit we did. All that fan service and nobody even dared to ask what the hell was up with us."
"And Sakumoto SJ," Jun laughed, "I think Nino still holds a grudge for us coming up with that first."
They laughed together, the memories seeming to wrap around them, comfort them. "It really would have been different," Sho decided, catching Jun's gaze.
He grinned. "I would have hated you. I know how I was back then, and for the longest time, I would have hated you."
"That's a bit much. Do you think we would have made up?"
Jun shrugged. "For the sake of Arashi? Probably. Maybe we would have found each other at some point. Or maybe never. It's odd to think about in any case."
"Well, that's life, isn't it, Matsujun?" He couldn't stop thinking about the ring on his finger. "It's all about where our choices take us."
2001
"No, no, I won't bother you at school. I don't want to get you in any trouble. I...well, could you meet me then? I don't know, in the neighborhood? I want to talk."
"We're talking right now, Matsujun."
Jun wrinkled his nose, looking around their small dressing room. "Just...I just..."
It was like all the times Jun had called him in the middle of the night, wanting to talk and not actually having anything to say. "Fine," Sho agreed. When Jun called him, it was easier to just say he was busy and hang up. With Jun in front of him, weird and fidgety, Sho had to agree. "Fine, I'll meet you tomorrow. There's a cafe near Shiba Park, I'll meet you there. We can talk about whatever you want."
When Sho slept that night, he wondered about all the things that Jun wanted to talk about. Or more like the things Jun wanted to confess to him. He thought of his mediocre essay in his bag, and the message from his concerned professor. Focus, Sakurai-san. He had too much to focus on already.
--
He saw Jun sitting in the back of the cafe nursing a melon soda after class the following day. It was the middle of the afternoon, and it was mostly empty. He stood watching from outside the glass for almost a minute before turning around and walking away.