Second Time Around, 3/5
“When did you learn to cook like this?” Sho was saying, letting Jun pour him some more wine. Wine made sense with Italian, with eggplant parmigiana, pasta, crusty bread, and olive oil. That was what Jun had told himself, even though he supposed it sent a message he wasn’t quite sure he meant yet.
“I took classes with Kiko-chan because she was in some drama where she was working in a restaurant,” he admitted. “I ended up learning more than her, so she makes me cook for her all the time.”
“You call her Kiko-chan. A big star like her,” Sho said, giggling a little. They were somehow on bottle number two already. “Amazing.”
“I was her manager for five years,” Jun said.
“Still,” Sho said, taking another big bite. He was a good eater, and though Jun had anticipated giving him leftovers to take home with him, it seemed increasingly unlikely.
Jun laughed. “We were in Johnny’s, Sho-kun. We were on TV!”
Sho shook his head, dabbing at the corner of his mouth with his napkin. “You know, it seems like another lifetime. Maybe it’s different because you stuck with it longer, but I’ve been shipping out colostomy bags to the rest of Asia for like, a decade already. The glamour of it fades quickly, Matsujun.”
Jun didn’t need to be reminded, having spent the last year either unemployed or underemployed. Shimura Animal Hospital was giving him a going away party soon, and Jun’s only request was for there to be no animals in attendance. Which meant Aiba was going to show up with his golden retriever anyway. And after that Jun’s next chapter would begin. It wasn’t that prestigious, but everyone he’d met at the company was kind and hardworking.
Sho, so full he could barely move, parked himself on Jun’s sofa while he did the dishes. By the time he came back, Sho was on his phone, sending a message. He looked up when Jun came back in.
“Saya-chan had soccer practice tonight, Satomi just sent me a picture.”
“How many lessons does she take?”
Sho held up a hand, shaking his head. “No, no, it’s not what you think. She and I were both raised by families that enrolled us in a little bit of everything. We’re letting Saya choose what she wants. Just piano and soccer so far, like her old man. Satomi’s freaking out about safety, but it’s like, soccer for squirts, you know? All she does is run around, none of them are very good at kicking yet. It’s kind of hilarious, actually. They’re all so cute.”
Jun couldn’t help but be curious about Ishihara Satomi, the woman Sho had technically been meant to spend his life with. He could sense affection for her from Sho’s end, but not passionate feelings. All he knew about the woman, really, was that her parents owned a hospital, which meant that she’d grown up just as filthy rich as Sho had. Entering an all-but-arranged marriage at 22, divorced by 26 or 27…
Sho patted the cushion beside him, as though he was in his own house and not Jun’s. He held out his phone with that dopey “Proud Papa” look that amused Jun so much even though he’d only seen it a handful of times now - his blissful smile, his eyes bright. Jun couldn’t help chuckling at the sight of Sakurai Sayaka in a tiny green soccer jersey and white shorts but with sparkly pink cleats.
“She doesn’t match.”
“Oh, but she does,” Sho said. “According to Saya-chan fashion she does. She’s also allowed to do her own hair when she stays with me. Satomi says it’s fine because it’s the weekend and none of the other mothers at the preschool will give her shit about letting her child leave the house with twenty obnoxious barrettes clipped to her head. They’re rough, those moms.”
“I bet,” Jun replied, handing Sho’s phone back. In one of Sho’s emails a few weeks back he’d explained how insane the school enrollment process was and how many headaches it was giving him as he and Satomi looked for a kindergarten that would make Sayaka set for life, or at least get her into a great university.
Now that they didn’t have the dining table between them, he watched Sho fidget a little with his phone, turning it in his hand, almost like he was waiting to get a text or an email and have an excuse to answer it. Wine could only go so far when people had a shared past like they did and a continued inability to really talk about it.
“Are you excited about your job?” Sho asked, unfortunately just as Jun was asking “Can I get you anything else?”
“You answer first,” Jun said. “I’m your host.”
“No, I’m fine,” Sho said, letting out an awkward little chuckle. “I’ll just sober up before I get on the train.”
“I thought drunk salarymen on the train was a Japanese institution.”
Sho shook his head. “I spend enough and drink enough taking out the people in my department. Tonight I’m enjoying the pleasures of riding the train without feeling like I could lie down and die or puke.”
“As to your question,” Jun said, “yes, I’m excited for my job. Takenaka-san seems like a good guy.”
“He really is,” Sho said eagerly, seeming quite happy to talk about work-related things. Comparatively safe territory. “He’s worked for my dad since before I was even born, back when my grandpa still ran the place.”
They spent the next several minutes talking about Sakurai Medical Supply, about Sho’s trip next week to the Philippines distribution center, about Takenaka Naoto’s propensity for wearing flashy suits and colorful ties but still landing new accounts. Jun had a feeling that his boss was going to keep him on his toes as well as entertained. When he told Sho about having to schedule Takenaka-san’s “improv classes,” Sho nearly doubled over in laughter.
“He tried to get my dad to do it with him,” Sho wheezed, face turning redder than he already was from his wine. “You know my dad, he’s like the most straight-laced, boring guy there is. I love him, but it’s true.”
“I remember,” Jun admitted, smiling. Sho’s dad had always been kind to Jun, at least when he was around and not at work, but he was the type of person who would go to bed at 9:00 PM every night and enjoyed reading books about succeeding in business through careful, considerate planning. “I guess I’m working for your dad now, too.”
“I told him. He does remember you, by the way. He sends his ‘warmest congratulations,’ his words, not mine.”
Jun inclined his head. “It’s an honor to be part of his company.”
Sho rolled his eyes. “You’re a smooth talker, Matsujun. I know what we do isn’t cool, and my dad likes it that way. ‘Doctors will always need gloves and syringes, Sho-kun,’ he tells me all the time.”
“You’re indirectly helping people though,” Jun said, “Supplying hospitals and clinics. The syringes and blood bags and other supplies that save lives every day.”
Sho leaned back against the cushion, tilting his head back and laughing. It exposed his neck, the soft skin Jun wished he was brave enough to touch, to feel for the first time. When Sho had kissed him, so long ago, Jun had just wrapped his arms around Sho’s waist, simply to keep himself from falling over in shock. “Oh Matsujun, I’m going to tell Takenaka-san to transfer you to my sister’s department. You’re already living and breathing the Sakurai Medical Supply company promise.”
He smiled. “It’s all thanks to you.”
Sho waved his hand, embarrassed. “You got that job on your own. I merely directed you to our website.”
“If you hadn’t come in that day, I’d have probably never seen you again.”
Sho turned, looking at him. There was a sudden sadness in his eyes, a swift change from his good-humored teasing only moments earlier. “You’re probably right. If Satomi hadn’t been sick that day, she’d have never called me to take Saya with the cat.”
“Well, then it’s to her I owe my thanks. Or to her rotten immune system.”
Sho smiled again, but Jun thought Sho’s eyes were getting glassy. He’d probably had twice as much as Jun had, and he’d admitted that he rarely drank wine and was a beer guy. “Matsujun.”
“What?” he replied, trying to stay calm and failing.
Every time he heard ‘Matsujun’ it was like being fifteen or sixteen all over again, sitting at Sho’s side in the theater, hearing him complain. “Matsujun, this is stupid. Really stupid. There was plenty of room on that floating door thing for both Rose and Jack. Stupid!”
“I’ve really, really missed you.”
He crossed his arms, just so he didn’t do anything foolish. This was just supposed to be dinner, right? “Oh yeah?” he asked, trying to keep the upper hand here. Sho was the one who’d left him behind, had left Johnny’s and given up on whatever it was they’d started back then. It was Sho who’d said it was impossible, after all.
“I was horrible to you,” Sho said. “But I was scared. I was really scared.”
Jun could barely get words out. “Why were you scared? What were you afraid of?”
The look Sho gave him then made him dizzy, his tongue darting out to lick his plump lower lip before he spoke again in barely a whisper. “You know what I was afraid of.”
He did know. He knew and it was why he’d forgiven Sho, so long ago.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, getting to his feet and heading for his room. He inhaled, exhaled as he turned on the light and tried to focus. He wasn’t that boy, who’d hung on Sho’s every word, who’d been desperate for Sho’s approval. Hell, he was bigger than Sho now, broader and taller, not that scrawny kid who hadn’t yet grown into his long legs.
He found himself opening his closet door, retrieving the box he’d shown to Ohno weeks ago. He tossed the lid aside, grasping the button in his fist. When he got to his feet, he paused in his tracks. Sho was standing in the doorway, arms at his sides. He’d come to Jun’s straight from work, had left his suit jacket in the genkan, had rolled up the sleeves of his white dress shirt, had long since loosened his tie.
Jun wasn’t that scrawny kid, and Sho definitely wasn’t that older boy with the Wu-Tang Clan t-shirt and pierced ear.
Jun held out his hand, showing him what he had. Sho approached, his feet dragging along the rug. His fingers were warm when he poked at the button, mostly missing and tickling Jun’s palm with his index finger, sending Jun’s mind somewhere he knew he couldn’t come back from, not this time.
“You kept it,” Sho said, his breath a slightly gross mix of wine, garlic, and tomato sauce. Jun knew his breath wasn’t much better.
“You said I probably wanted it. You were right.”
Sho took his hand away. “You remember it. You remember everything, don’t you?”
“It was kind of a big deal,” he murmured. “You were my first kiss, you know.”
Sho’s eyes got huge. “Oh no, was I? I’m sorry…”
Jun lowered his hand, holding the button tight. God, fifteen years. It had been fifteen years. He looked at Sho, his round face, the bags under his eyes, remembering how he used to look but preferring the present. He wondered if Sho was remembering too, Jun’s crooked teeth, the bad acne that left his adult self with little bumps and scars that he stopped covering up with makeup after leaving Johnny’s behind.
He was so close he could hear Sho breathe. He was so close he could count Sho’s eyelashes if he wanted to. Like he had fifteen years earlier, Sho leaned forward first, but Jun was ready for him this time, if only because Sho had to tilt up a little to try and reach him now. Jun stopped him, pressing his thumb to Sho’s lips. His pupils were dilated, making his brown eyes seem almost black.
“I remember you telling me before that this was impossible.”
“Matsujun…” Sho muttered, his lips parting and nearly dislodging Jun’s thumb from its place.
“If it’s going to be impossible again, tell me now. We can be friends or just co-workers if you’d prefer. But if it’s impossible, I need to know.”
“Not impossible,” Sho whispered, and Jun could feel him trembling, like a cornered animal preparing to strike. “Not anymore.”
Jun swiped his thumb across Sho’s lip, resting it at the corner of his mouth, feeling the slightest bit of moisture on the pad of his thumb.
“Sho-kun, how drunk are you right now?”
“Don’t fuck with me like this,” Sho said, sounding a little desperate, a little impatient. There was still the stubbornness of teenage Sho underneath the charming papa exterior. It gave Jun a surge of excitement, knowing Sho was genuinely interested. If anything, the wine had just made him more upfront about it.
He moved his thumb, sliding his hand to hold the back of Sho’s neck. Sho let out an odd little laugh, his eyes fluttering closed. It gave Jun the courage he needed, leaning forward and giving in. It was soft and slow, unlike their previous experience. Now that he had Sho in his life again, without the pressures of Johnny’s or an elite university weighing them down, he felt no need to hurry.
Sho didn’t do much at first, just parting his lips a little, probably shocked that Jun had actually gone ahead and done it. But soon enough he was waking up, wrapping an arm around him, resting his palm at the base of Jun’s spine to pull him closer. Jun still had Sho’s button in his other hand, and he tried not to laugh at their mutually gross garlic breath. When Sho decided it was worth getting a little more aggressive, slipping his hand lower to try and grab his ass, Jun remembered that the two of them were standing in his bedroom and he knew it couldn’t go any further tonight.
He stopped first, backing up and seeing keen disappointment in Sho’s face as he moved his hand away. Jun smiled, reassuring him. “That was an improvement over last time,” he said quietly.
Sho lifted a hand to his mouth, breathing heavily onto his palm and making an irritated face. “Sorry. You’re the one who used all that garlic.”
“And you loved it,” Jun pointed out.
Now that they’d gone ahead and kissed, now that they’d moved beyond their friendly emails, he was genuinely moved by the bashful but pleased expression that appeared on Sho’s face. His beloved Sho-kun, after all these years.
“What does this mean?” Sho asked, seeming to rock back a little bit to keep himself from picking up where they left off, bad breath be damned.
“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Jun said quickly, watching Sho’s eyes widen before he waved a hand in front of his face. “That came out wrong. It does mean something. It means a lot, Sho-kun, it does. But I think, maybe, that it’s in our best interests if we don’t rush into this.”
Sho nodded, his panic subsiding. “You’re right. I agree.” He sighed. “You know, the longest relationship I’ve ever been in was with my wife.”
“I figured,” Jun said teasingly, offering no answer of his own. The longest “relationship” Jun had ever had was the one he had with Nino and after that, with Ohno. And both of those were still ongoing, though he supposed that might have to change.
“I should probably get home,” Sho said, scratching his arm nervously. “I have Saya this weekend and then my trip coming up next week. I get back on Friday evening. When can I see you again?”
“How do you usually get back from the airport?”
“From Haneda? Taxi.”
“Well, I don’t have a car,” Jun said, “but how about I meet you there?”
Sho crinkled his nose. “I’ll be tired. Working my ass off and then flying back…”
“So you don’t want to see me that badly is what you’re saying.”
Sho gave him a playful little shove, jostling his shoulder. “Alright, alright. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Flying can make me grumpy.”
“Sho-kun, you’ve always been grumpy and that never stopped me.”
Sho turned away, stomping off. He threw his hands in the air. “Don’t say stuff like that! It’s too cute!”
He followed Sho, laughing at him. “I’m not cute!”
Though Sho had pretty much destroyed the parmigiana, there was still pasta left, and Jun packed it up for him. “When I eat this tomorrow, I’ll think of you,” Sho promised, clutching the container to his chest with a silly glimmer in his eyes.
“You’re gross,” Jun told him.
They made firmer plans for Jun meeting Sho at the airport, and then Jun walked him to the door. He took Sho’s suit jacket from the hook, held it out to help him put it on. There was a surprising intimacy to the gesture, Jun’s fingers lingering on Sho’s collar before stepping away. When Sho turned back to him, Jun wished he could ask him to stay. But it was way too soon for that.
“Go home,” Jun teased him. “You smell like garlic.”
Sho leaned forward, fingers grasping Jun’s t-shirt as he planted a big sloppy kiss on his lips in retaliation. Jun groaned, realizing that he was now starting a relationship with a dorky dad. Dorky dads traditionally had not been his type at all, but he supposed, seeing the gentle smile on Sho’s face, that he might change his mind.
He all but shoved Sho out the door, locking it behind him. He was giddy and shaking a bit once he was alone again, knowing that the Jun of so many years ago would probably be throwing a ticker-tape parade in celebration. Instead Jun went back to his kitchen, finding the button Sho had given him sitting on the counter where he’d left it to pack up the leftovers.
Jun, prone to talking to himself, addressed the button with mock-seriousness. “Thanks for all your hard work today.”
-
Ohno and Nino’s reaction was as sensitive as Jun had expected, the pair of them cracking up in hysterics when Jun told them that he didn’t think it was appropriate for them to continue having sex with each other.
“Well, of course not,” Nino said, smacking the counter and sending a pair of love dice rattling around. “It’s that serious then?”
Jun shrugged, stifling his embarrassment by shoving his hands in his pockets. Ohno was smiling like crazy, even as he sliced open a box of their newest arrivals with a box cutter, unloading a selection of nipple clamps and collars. “I don’t know if it’s that serious, to tell you the truth. I just…if he and I are going to be together, I kind of want it to be exclusive. I’m really sorry…”
Ohno gestured at him with the box cutter. “Why are you apologizing?”
Jun gestured right back at the stuff Ohno was unloading. “You need my help with those things.”
Ohno and Nino looked at each other and laughed even harder.
“What am I not getting?” Jun asked, getting pissed off.
Nino actually got out of his seat, came around and wrapped his arms around him, squeezing tight. “Jun-kun, it stopped being about the toys a long time ago for us.”
“Although we really like the toys,” Ohno pointed out. “Like, a lot a lot.”
Nino nuzzled against Jun’s shoulder like a lazy cat. “Jun-kun, you are an outstanding and attentive and amazing lover. We just enjoyed taking advantage of it.”
“You’ve just been using me for sex, is what you’re saying,” he replied snippily.
“Isn’t that what friends with benefits means?” Ohno asked, still smiling. “You’re like the best benefit there is!”
Nino, unashamed, reached for Jun’s face and pulled him down for a kiss. “We’re thrilled for you, you idiot,” Nino whispered. “You deserve happiness.”
“What’s that?” Ohno called out from the other side of the store. “I didn’t quite catch that, was Nino-chan being sincere and nice?”
“Never!” Nino declared, patting the front of Jun’s slacks greedily.
Jun felt himself blush, despite his irritation. He’d thought they were going to be upset with him. Disappointed even. “Thank you,” he mumbled, inclining his head.
“But if you and Sakurai-san ever make a sex tape or something, we’d be happy to buy a copy,” Ohno said with a wicked glint in his eyes. Nino skipped his way across the shop floor, theatrically bopping Ohno in the head with his hand.
“And do please remind him of our 20% off promotion,” Nino said, always thinking about his business. “I might even throw in an additional 10% off friends and family discount.”
“You’re both horrible,” Jun said, laughing.
Nino settled back down in front of his laptop. “Ah, but what shall we do?” he lamented, glancing mournfully at his colorful product page tastefully titled “Super Fun Anal Toys.” “What shall we do without Jun-kun to spice up our sex lives?”
“What about Aiba-chan?” Ohno asked.
Nino recoiled, letting out a shuddering breath. “You did not just put that question out into the universe.”
“He’s straight,” Jun reminded him. “He has a girlfriend.”
Nino continued his complaints. “And even if he wasn’t, I’d rather cut off my own dick than fuck him. I used to take baths with that idiot.”
Ohno leered at Nino. “Oh really?”
Nino lifted his laptop, threatening to throw it at him. “Leave this store immediately.”
“Ah, but Aiba-chan is super cute. I bet he’d try anything.”
Nino continued his whining. “If you keep talking about him like that, I will murder you in your sleep!”
Jun relaxed, helping Ohno organize the new arrivals. He’d been worried for nothing. He had Ohno and Nino’s friendship for life, and even if he had to admit that he’d miss them, miss the subtle things that made sex with both of them fun and enjoyable, he’d spent the last few days realizing that he couldn’t move forward with Sho if he kept fucking around. Was he being too serious, reading too much into what he and Sho had? Maybe, maybe not, but he was standing by his decision.
In the stock room, Ohno wrapped his arms around him, hugging him from behind. “What?” he asked.
“I’m happy for you, too. I really am.”
“Thanks. But we’re not even really…I mean, I don’t know what it is yet.”
“I know what you wanted,” Ohno admitted. “All this time, I’ve known you wanted something more serious. We both knew, and we’ve been waiting for you to find someone. We’d have let you go whenever you wanted, you have to believe that.”
“Satoshi…”
Ohno squeezed him again, and Jun could feel his head pressing against his back. “We’re both cheering for you. And if this Sakurai-san hurts you again, we’ll hurt him.”
Jun rolled his eyes, even as Ohno’s words touched him deeply. “Thank you for your concern.”
“You’ll keep coming here?”
“Of course.”
Ohno let him go, patting his butt. “Good.”
-
His new job kept him far busier than he’d ever been at Shimura Animal Hospital. Though Sakurai Medical Supply was only a medium-sized business, they had hundreds of clients in Japan and overseas. And as head of Sales and Marketing, Takenaka Naoto met with almost all of them in some capacity. While the department Sho was in handled most of the overseas clients directly, Takenaka-san was responsible for managing all of it and for seeking out new clients.
By the end of that first week, Jun had figured out that the chatty Takenaka-san’s meetings could often run long, so he booked conference rooms for a full hour but told him he was scheduled for 30 minutes. Takenaka had already caught on, giving Jun a thumbs up. And to welcome Jun to the department, Takenaka had told Jun to cater in lunch for the whole department from a restaurant of his choice.
He was busy, but he was enjoying it. In his free time, he started to learn the names of clients, tracing the history of accounts in the records they had on hand. The more Jun knew, the more useful he could be to his boss, and that was the sort of thing Jun liked best, knowing that the work he was doing was useful.
And then there was Sho. Even though he’d left Monday morning for Manila, he took every free moment to email or text. To send even more weird photos and selfies from his trip. And then on Thursday night, while Jun was out to the movies with Aiba and his girlfriend, he received a photo that nearly made him choke. It was a picture of Sho in the bathroom of his hotel room, hair wet and wearing a bathrobe, pointing at the mirror and holding his phone in the other.
Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
Sho’s flight landed at 8:00 PM, and Jun stood near the limo drivers in the international arrivals area, dressed in his suit from work and holding a less than professional looking piece of paper that said “Sakurai-sama.” Sho spotted him almost immediately, laughing as he walked up with his black wheeled carry-on and his jacket thrown over his arm.
Even though Sho had found him, Jun looked elsewhere, lifting the “Sakurai-sama” sign higher. Sho ran his suitcase over Jun’s foot deliberately. “I think you must be looking for me.”
Jun looked at him, grinning. “Definitely not.”
Sho nodded. “Well, then I’ll be heading for the taxi queue, please excuse me.”
He got maybe five steps before Jun yanked the suitcase from his grasp, heading in the direction of the train. He soon realized just why Sho took a taxi home, since it took three crowded trains to get out to Kunitachi Station. In their correspondence that week, Sho had explained that Satomi still lived in the house they’d gotten together after getting married, and after the divorce, Sho had moved to a high-rise apartment building near Kunitachi Station, staying nearby so he’d never be too far from his daughter, even if it made his commute to work longer. Sho’s devotion to his child only made Jun’s feelings for him grow stronger.
Sho’s apartment was less roomy than Jun’s, most likely because he was away from home often and didn’t care about having a lot of space, but Jun was given the grand tour. In the bright pink guest slippers that Sayaka had apparently picked out, Jun followed Sho from room to room. A living room with a big TV, the low table covered with a halfway-completed Doraemon puzzle waiting for Saya-chan’s return. A serviceable kitchen and small dining area. A bathroom with a small green stepstool by the sink and a separate rack with Frozen towels for little hands. Every room a reminder that Sho wasn’t living the same type of life Jun was. It was a little unnerving, but he knew that it was important to Sho, showing Jun just how much his daughter meant to him. The message came through loud and clear.
Sho turned on the light in his second bedroom, showing the small bed that was neatly made with a pink and purple comforter, a handful of stuffed animals arranged by the pillows. Artwork was tacked up on the walls along with posters of Saya’s beloved Elsa and Olaf. “You should see her actual room back at the house. It’s scary. This is low-key as far as the Frozen shit goes.”
Jun laughed. “You just know whatever she likes next will be even worse.”
“Don’t even joke,” Sho complained. “I know every word to the Frozen sing-a-long DVD. Even the English versions.”
“Well now I know what to make you sing at karaoke sometime.”
Sho pushed him out of the way, closing the door and rattling the glittery pink and green S-A-Y-A-K-A letters attached to it. “Enough of that.”
“Do I get to see your room?” he asked, deliberately aiming for a suggestive tone.
Sho shook his head. “If you remember my room from high school, then you don’t need to see it yet. At least not tonight.”
Jun laughed, remembering. He remembered Sho’s bedroom, the only room in the elegant Sakurai home that looked like a typhoon had whipped through it. Clothes all over the floor and on the bed, choreography practice DVDs scattered near the TV, posters of soccer stars alongside hip hop musicians, every inch of space covered. Sho’s mother always threatened to clean it if Sho didn’t hunker down and do his homework. “God, Mom, it’s my room, leave me alone!” he always whined, and Jun always laughed. His parents were never so indulgent with him.
Sho sent him to the living room while he tugged his suitcase into his room and shut the door. He shrugged out of his suit jacket, tossing it onto the chair near the sofa. He had a seat, yelping in surprise when he unearthed a doll in a striped green dress and a crazy hairstyle. He chuckled, setting it on the table on top of the puzzle. Sho had had Saya-chan until Sunday evening and then his flight out Monday morning. It was obvious he hadn’t had time to tidy up.
When Sho reemerged in a t-shirt and pajama pants, Jun felt rather overdressed. Sho plopped down on the couch beside him, squeezing a pillow. “It’s so good to be home!”
“I sat on a doll,” Jun said, and Sho laughed.
“Yeah that’s…that’s my life. Sorry.”
Jun scooted over, putting an arm around him. Sho looked at him, grinning. Before Sho could start blabbing again, Jun took advantage, kissing him. Sho’s fingers were on his tie, tugging him along. It took a few awkward movements, Jun’s elbow hitting Sho in the ribs, but soon Sho was on his back and Jun was between his legs. It had been a long week, a long wait. He didn’t care if his clothes were wrinkling because he had Sho right where he wanted him. This time, thankfully, he didn’t taste like garlic.
Most of the time with Ohno, with Nino, they skipped ahead to sex. Or jumped right in using whatever SK Enterprises future top seller they were trying out. It had been so long, so long since Jun had been able to just kiss someone. And as they got used to each other, as he left Sho’s lips swollen from affection, he felt an incredible happiness flowing through him.
Sho stopped them momentarily, breathing heavily and biting his lip. “Matsujun, is this crazy or what?”
“I don’t think it’s that crazy,” Jun replied, even though Sho’s hands were on his ass, squeezing him like he was a piece of fruit at the grocery store. “You like that, huh?”
“I don’t get to do this much.” He patted Jun’s ass appreciatively. “I’ve never had anyone here before. I’ve never made out on this couch before.”
“Happy to help.”
“Bringing people here, it would probably scare most people away, you know?”
He leaned forward again, brushing a soft kiss to the side of Sho’s mouth. “I’m not scared.” He was more unfamiliar with Sho’s life than he was afraid of it. Sho was very upfront about what was most important to him. He kissed Sho again, again, lingering there, over and over. “I like you. I’m not scared.”
A few minutes later, he was warm, trying not to groan every time Sho adjusted a little, rocking up against him, hard and unashamed.
“Take your shirt off,” Sho said, a subtle shift to his voice. “I want to see you.”
Jun moved, kneeling on the cushion as Sho leaned back on his elbows, watching. Working with deliberate slowness, Jun loosened the knot in his tie, sliding it off and dumping it on Sho. Then he brought his fingers to each button, feeling Sho’s eyes burning a hole through him as he licked his lips, his hands steadier than he anticipated as he slowly worked his way down.
“You certainly grew up,” Sho murmured when Jun slid his shirt off, tossing it on the chair to join his jacket. “Wow Matsujun…”
He waved him off, chuckling. “You just want to get laid. Flatterer.”
Sho laughed in return. “Ah, so what if I do? Doesn’t mean you’re not fucking hot, alright?”
Hearing those words from Sho, confirmation of his attraction, his desire to take it to the next level, gave Jun a bump of courage. He stayed there, kneeling between Sho’s still open legs, watching Sho take his tie in his shaking fingers to keep his hands busy. “About that, Sho-kun…”
“You want me to keep going? Fishing for compliments?”
“No,” Jun interrupted him, resting a hand on Sho’s knee. He saw encouragement in Sho’s eyes, trust even. “Sho-kun, I have to tell you something.”
“What?”
“It’s something I want you to know in case we eventually…if we’re going to…”
“Have sex?” Sho asked, raising an eyebrow eagerly.
“Yeah.”
“Go ahead. I’m all ears,” Sho said, though Jun knew he probably only had Sho’s attention halfway, since his eyes were a bit busy staring possessively at his shoulders, the curve of his arms, his chest…
“I just want you to know that I’m not involved with anyone else right now. I was before, a casual thing. That’s over now though. I don’t know what your expectations are, but I want you to know that I’m not with anyone else.”
Sho smiled, nodding. “Good. I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to say it just yet, it seems a bit premature, but if you’re telling me now, it means you’re serious and…well, I think you should know that I am too. I haven’t been with anyone for, um, well, months. Months, and even that was…well, it was nothing really. One night stand, you know?”
Jun looked down, a little embarrassed. “Well…”
Sho’s hand found his where it was still resting on his knee. He gave Jun’s hand a squeeze. “Well?”
“This is going to sound weird, but um…” He still couldn’t look at Sho. “I kind of had a thing with Nino.”
“Oh?”
“That’s…well, to be completely honest it was with Nino and his partner. Ohno-san. They run that sex store together. There was a casual thing that the three of us had, but I want you to know I ended it so…”
“You were sleeping with both of them?” Sho asked, his voice cracking a little.
Jun finally looked up, seeing the confused and almost hurt look in Sho’s eyes. But it was best to tell him the truth, wasn’t it? “Yeah. Yeah, I was. Not at the same time, not a threesome sort of thing…well, not recently…”
“Oh my God…”
“Sho-kun,” Jun said gently, feeling his heart start to race and not in the way he liked. “Sho-kun, I’m not going to do that anymore. As soon as you…as soon as we…that night when you came over to my place, it was from there that I decided to stop. That if there was going to be a you and me, if we were going to get serious…”
“How casual was this casual ‘thing’ if you were fucking both Nino and his boyfriend?”
Sho’s voice was a bit harsher than Jun liked. It reminded him of the way Sho used to speak to him when he’d call him late at night, as though Jun was a real inconvenience. It had made him feel so small, but he’d still kept calling. But he didn’t have to let Sho speak to him that way now, did he?
“I said I ended it. It’s done. In fact, I don’t have to justify what I’ve done, nor do I really owe you an explanation, but I’m telling you anyway.”
Sho relented, shutting his eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s a lot for me to handle. I’ve never…”
“I’m sure you never did anything like that.” He cleared his throat. “I’m not going to stop being friends with them either. They’re important to me, but that other aspect…that’s done.”
Sho’s fingers twined with his. “I just don’t understand, that’s all. Casual, that kind of casual is…a little hard for me to wrap my head around.”
“We don’t have to do anything tonight. After telling you that, I could understand why you’d want to think about it a little more.”
“God, I’m sorry,” Sho mumbled, somehow managing to look at him again. “It’s just…maybe if it wasn’t Nino, I wouldn’t be so weirded out. So like, that time we met for ramen you and he were still…?”
Jun remembered all too clearly how that night had ended, fucking Nino until he was screaming his name.
“Does it matter?” Jun asked. “Does it matter if it’s over now?”
Sho sat up, running a hand through his hair. Jun was fairly certain they weren’t going to do anything more that night. He kept waiting for Sho to break his promise, to change his mind. To assess Jun’s life, a life Jun had been living before Sho had even come back into the picture, and find it incompatible with what he was looking for. In other words, another excuse for Sho to say “it’s impossible.”
To his surprise, Sho leaned over and pressed a kiss to his bare shoulder. “You like me so much you stopped it, just like that? What you had with them?”
“Of course.”
“Then I suppose that’s all that matters.” Sho sat beside him, resting his head against Jun’s shoulder. “Matsujun, I married a woman I didn’t love because I’ve known for years that I’m gay. I’ve known it since I kissed you in that park. Okay, even before that. I had a baby with that woman I didn’t love because I felt like it was what was expected of me, and I listened to her cry every night because I was never going to be the man she deserved.”
“Sho-kun…”
“That’s the man I was, you know? I stayed late at work while she was home, alone, pregnant with my baby. I went on every trip I could, as far from that house as I could get, even after Saya was born. And then one night I was in Jakarta, out drinking with colleagues from the office down there and Satomi calls and says ‘your daughter is in the hospital,’ just like that. And I hated myself. Matsujun, I hated myself…”
“What happened?”
“I took the first flight home, and when I saw her again, saw the little girl who had a really bad fever, the little girl who was mine just as much as Satomi’s, I broke down. It could have been so much worse. It could have been so much worse.”
Jun felt a little awkward, still in his belt and slacks, but Sho didn’t seem to mind when Jun wrapped an arm around him.
“So I don’t know what I’m trying to say. Maybe I’m just saying I didn’t fucking grow up until I was almost 30 years old. I’ve spent every day since trying to be better. To be the father that girl deserves, to treat Satomi with the respect she deserves. I try to be better, every single day, so what right do I have to be judgmental of what you did before we even met again?”
Jun had to admit that it was difficult to reconcile the man he’d gotten to know the last several weeks with the Sakurai Sho of Sho’s story. It was difficult to imagine the man who could sing the Frozen songs in English as someone completely indifferent to his wife and daughter.
He smiled gently. “See why I told you it was a good idea to take it slow?”
Sho chuckled a little. “You are very smart.”
He pressed a few kisses to Sho’s temple, his ear, drawing his fingers up and down Sho’s arm and feeling him shudder in pleasure from it. He could see tears trailing down Sho’s face, deciding not to comment on them. “Shall we keep trying then? This whole…relationship thing? If you want to put a label on it.”
“If it means I get to see more of you without a shirt on, then I’m definitely on board.”
He grinned. “I’m even more interesting without pants.”
“I can’t wait to find out.”
part four