Shine in Summer's Glimmer, 5/6
He sleeps terribly, waking a few times during the night, tossing and turning for the rest. He gets up only when he hears that Toma and Shun are leaving. He shakes hands, stands around uselessly while Jun helps them pack up Shun’s car.
The car idles in front of the house for a while so Toma can write down his phone number and email address on Sho’s palm, the pen feeling halfway between ticklish and painful. He’s actually serious about meeting up with Sho sometime to talk about his financial options. Sho accepts it simply to be polite.
“Get out of here already,” Jun complains. “Writing on my guests. You guys are such assholes.”
Shun laughs. “It’s a really good thing you don’t have a TripAdvisor page. We’d destroy you.”
“Yeah, I’m petrified. Anyhow. Do you have everything?” Jun asks, reverting in an instant to host mode. “I’ll run in and do a final check.”
Sho turns away from the passenger side window, Toma’s email address tattooed on his skin.
“Sho-kun,” Toma says quietly just after Jun goes inside.
He turns back. “Yeah?”
“I know it’s not my place…”
“It’s really not,” Shun says pointedly, but Toma waves him off.
Toma smiles. “I know it’s not my place, but um…please keep Jun in your favor.”
Sho hopes he’s not turning red. “O-okay…?”
“He gets lonely. Really easily,” Toma continues.
“Toma…” Shun warns his friend, but Sho can see a seriousness in Toma’s eyes that hasn’t really been evident the last two days.
“So just…snap him out of it if you can. If he gets that way.”
“Sure. Right.” He lets the words fall from his lips. “Aiba-kun’s here too.”
Toma looks at him as though Sho’s said something strange, but then Jun’s coming back outside, waving a sock.
“Whose stinky foot does this belong to?” Jun asks, leaning past Sho and halfway into the car to fling it into the backseat without waiting for an answer.
“You’re a hero, Matsumoto Jun,” Toma says, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. “The finder of lost socks.”
“It’s mine,” Shun admits, laughing. “Thanks. I’ll call you later.”
“And I’ll call you even later,” Toma jokes.
Jun gives the hood of Shun’s car a hard smack before stepping back, waving goodbye. Sho stands behind him, waving a bit robotically, uncertain what Toma was even talking about. Do Toma and Shun know about Jun and Aiba?
Jun does seem a bit quiet once his friends have gone, declining Sho and Yukie’s invitation to the beach. The weather is unfriendly again, and a light drizzle starts in the afternoon, forcing them to pack up the beach chairs and umbrella and head back to the house.
By then, Jun’s completed his cleaning. A note on the kitchenette table says he’s back to his “serious reading,” but to knock on his door if they need him. Yukie opts for soap operas and tea, Sho goes back to his stack of books.
It’s already dark when Jun taps on his door, waits for Sho to allow him in. “What do you like on your pizza?”
He’s thankful that he’s still wearing a t-shirt and shorts. The other day he’d fallen asleep while reading in his room, wearing only his underwear.
“I’ll eat anything.”
Jun’s embarrassment is endearing, the tips of his ears red. “She wants to pay for it. She won’t let me split the cost with her. She keeps paying for my share, Sho-san.”
“You should be around whenever we stay with my aunt and uncle in Gunma,” Sho tells him. “She puts a wad of cash in an envelope and leaves it behind in their medicine cabinet or under a stack of towels in the bathroom.”
“What?” Jun laughs. “Why?”
“Because my aunt, her sister, says family always stays for free. And that includes meals, drinks, entertainment, everything. For all five of us, more if one of us kids brings along a significant other. So my mom gets sneaky. Usually by the time my aunt finds the envelope of ‘thank you for your hospitality’ money, we’re long gone.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way,” Jun says quietly. “But I absolutely love your mother.”
He smiles in reply. He’s grateful that Jun gets to see Yukie as everyone should see her. He wishes that Yukie would see herself that way more often.
“So do I.”
Jun scratches the back of his neck, clearly still uncomfortable with all the free meals he’s received as host. “I’ll let her pick the pizza toppings then. I’ll let you know when it arrives.”
/ / / / /
The three of them split the pizza from a local place, sitting lazily around the kitchenette table. The drizzle has turned into a harder rain. “Everything I read says it’ll stop by midnight,” Yukie says, rubbing at her shoulder. “But sometimes it makes me stiff.”
Sho sees Jun’s face light up. “Do you ever go get massages, Yukie-san?”
“I’ve been to a spa once or twice. It’s quite nice, but it’s a bit extravagant.”
Jun smiles. “How about a free one? I’ve been told I’m not half bad.”
His mother smiles in return. “I accept.”
Sho boxes up the pizza and cleans while Jun gets up, begins gently massaging Yukie’s stiff shoulders. He’ll feel less guilty about eating the pizza Yukie paid for now, Sho imagines.
“Oh, you’re very good!” Yukie praises him, and Sho can see her relax more and more as Jun’s deft fingers work their magic.
Sho’s just about to leave the room when Jun speaks again.
“You’re next.”
He turns, confused. Jun’s watching him with a serious expression. “I don’t need one,” he mumbles.
Jun shakes his head. “You do need one. I’ve had three weeks to watch the way you sit at this table. Always hunched over. I’ve had all that time to watch the half-assed way you stretch at the beach before you swim or start paddling out with a board. Totally stiff. Totally inflexible.”
Jun would know, Sho realizes. A dancer would notice these things about another person. That’s all there is to this strange offer. That’s all there is to Jun saying he’s been watching him that closely for almost three weeks. That’s all there is to Jun wanting to give him a massage.
“Don’t say no,” his mother says, voice rather blissful. “He’s very good. Much better than your father.”
“Ugh…Mom, come on,” Sho moans, slumping back into a chair at the table to wait his turn. “Don’t tell me things like that.”
His mother and Jun both laugh at his discomfort. Typical.
He finally hears her sigh, reaching up to pat Jun’s hand with her own. “Jun-kun, that was simply heavenly, but I need to get to bed.”
“Of course.”
As Yukie gets up, passing by, she runs her hand along the back of Sho’s shoulders. “My goodness,” his mother remarks, “you’re so young. There’s no reason for you to be like this! So tense!”
Sho doesn’t feel like telling his mother why he’s even more tense than usual.
“That’s what I’m saying, Yukie-san,” Jun says.
Yukie presses a kiss to the top of his head. “Good night.”
“Night, Mom.”
When she’s gone, Jun’s still standing behind the chair his mother left, resting his hands against the back of it. He grins. “I could get my extra special massage oils if you like.”
Sho scowls. “Very funny.”
“I don’t know, I think they smell good.”
He rolls his eyes, backing the chair up a little from the table. He does his best to sit up a little straighter. He keeps his hands folded in his lap, tries his best to relax. Since Jun just finished giving Yukie an identical massage, then there’s nothing to worry about. Nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing that would upset Aiba-kun if he decided to randomly break into the house at that moment.
“I’ve never seen anyone look so depressed about a massage before,” Jun laughs quietly, moving over to stand behind him.
Sho squeezes his eyes shut. It’s been almost a full year since anyone’s been this close to him, has touched him. Well, anyone he’s been attracted to anyway.
Jun’s hands rest gently on his shoulders. They’re warm. “If you really don’t want me to…”
“I want you to,” Sho admits selfishly.
It grows quiet. The rain taps a staccato sound against the window panes.
Sho breathes, Jun breathes. Jun seems to be assessing the situation before he gets started, fingertips brushing along Sho’s shoulder blades, the back of his neck. If he trembles, if he shakes…Jun will know.
The focus starts at his shoulders, Jun’s fingers starting out gently, kneading through his t-shirt. It actually does feel nice. He can see why his mother liked it. It’s not too hard, but there’s a steady pressure as Jun digs in a bit more with his fingers. It’s probably not the best place for this, sitting in a high-backed chair, but if Jun suggests a change of venue, a change of position, then Sho knows he can’t justify what they’re doing as innocent and harmless any longer.
Sho lets out a soft sigh, his head falling forward as Jun’s thumbs move lower, pressing in a little harder. He gives each area he can reach thorough attention, and with each passing moment, it feels better and better. And Sho finds the silence all the more frightening.
“So you go back home in September,” he decides to say. This doesn’t startle Jun, and he moves his hands slightly inward, thumbs pushing in along his spine.
“Yep.”
“Do you have to board up the house here?”
“No, nothing as elaborate as that. It never gets too cold or stormy here in the winter that I have to keep anything locked down. I come back for the weekend once in a while throughout the year, but otherwise Ohno-kun or Aiba-kun come by to check on the place every few days, make sure everything’s in order.”
“And the rest of the year…?”
“I’m in Tokyo.”
“Oh,” Sho says, jerking a little in surprise.
“Sit still,” Jun teases him.
“Sorry.”
Jun’s massaging fingers hit just the right spot, almost in retaliation, and Sho can’t help but groan in happiness. He can feel himself growing aroused despite his best efforts, keeping his hands firmly in his lap to hide the evidence.
“Jackpot,” Jun whispers.
“Mmm hmm.”
He quiets down again, wanting to keep up his questioning but fighting against Jun’s amazing touch and trying to ignore his body’s reaction to it is leaving him weak. He’s surprised when Jun is the one to speak first a minute or so later.
“You said your school’s in Suginami, right?”
“Yeah. It’s not far from Ogikubo Station. I’m a little further out. My place I mean. I’m near Kichijoji.”
“I’m by Koenji.”
Sho can’t help turning in the chair, looking up at Jun. “You’re kidding.”
Jun looks annoyed with him, smacking him lightly. “You’re just going to wrench your back or your neck and ruin everything I’ve done.”
“You live four stops away from me.”
“Yeah.” Jun gives him another tap. “Now turn around.”
Sho doesn’t know what to do with this information, but he turns around as ordered, still shocked. They’re on the same train line. Who knows how long they’ve been on the same train line? Who knows how many times they might have been in one another’s neighborhoods? Tokyo is big, Tokyo is sometimes unfathomably large. And yet Jun’s been four stops away, ten months out of the year, ever since he…
He shuts his eyes, ashamed. Jun’s still keeping up his steady rhythm, fingers easing away the tension of three long weeks and who knows how many before. Sho’s lost count.
“I did what Oguri-kun suggested,” Sho admits. He can’t sit here any longer and keep this from him. He can’t benefit from Jun’s kindness like this without coming clean. “I…I Googled you.”
Jun’s hands stop moving, but he doesn’t take them away.
“Find anything interesting?”
Sho looks straight ahead, listening to the rain, feeling the warmth of Jun’s hands through his shirt. “Yeah. I did. Just like Toma-kun said. You were a dancer overseas.”
“And?”
“You joined when you were 18 and quit when you were 27. And in the middle you traveled the world,” he says. “Sounds exciting.”
He hears Jun let out a heavy breath behind him before he starts to massage again, picking up where he left off. “It was.”
“I’m sorry for looking that up instead of just asking you, but then…I got the impression you didn’t want me to ask.”
Jun’s laugh is soft, gentle. “You’re very nice, Sho-san. And very honest.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Jun’s touch is slower now. “World famous is a bit of a stretch, I’ll admit it. Toma can exaggerate.”
“But you were good. You had to be good, right? I mean, you passed an audition.”
“I did. And I wasn’t bad.”
“Wasn’t bad,” Sho scoffs. “I saw an article with your picture, and you looked like the star.”
Jun laughs again. “You’ve done some diligent homework on me, Sho-san.”
He shakes his head. “I couldn’t read any of it. That’s just…based on context.”
“Well, I will say that I wasn’t the lead in any performances until I was 26. It’s a prestigious troupe.”
“And why did you, a Japanese person, audition for it?”
Sho’s only realized now that Jun’s hands have moved away from his back, settling on his arms, rubbing up and down in a relaxing, almost affectionate manner. “Because I had a teacher who believed in me. She said that language wasn’t going to get in the way. She said they only had to see me move. And I was pretty conceited in high school, so naturally I believed every nice thing she had to say about me. Nino told you how cocky I was back then already.”
He smiles. The infamous King, the infamous Junnosuke.
“Is this the teacher who gave you Kogo-sama?”
“Correct. I’d been taking dance classes with Nakata-san since I was eight. It was the first time they’d held auditions in Japan before, and I was about to start my last year of high school. She said if I didn’t try that I’d regret it. And I passed.”
Sho suspects there’s a lot more Jun could tell him. What it was like moving so far away from home. Traveling the world and likely living out of a suitcase. Performing for adoring crowds. The money he made, the money he took and obviously invested wisely with Toma’s help to support himself after an early retirement. But he decides to let Jun reveal only as much as he chooses.
“Kogo-sama was a gift when I came home. She lived in Nakata-san’s dance studio for several years, at least as long as I’d been going there. And not long after I came back to Japan, Nakata-san was retiring and asked if I wanted Kogo-sama.”
“So Kogo-sama spends two months of the year at the beach, and the rest in Koenji.”
“That’s right. A rather pampered bonsai, if I do say so myself.”
They quiet down again. Jun’s hands keep working their magic. Sho hopes he’s not going to get any cramps in his hands, in his fingers.
He doesn’t know how much time passes before Jun speaks again.
“It’s okay. It’s okay if you want to know.”
Sho shakes his head. “You don’t have to tell me anything.”
“Whenever someone finds out about me, it’s the first thing they ask. ‘You were only 27, what the hell happened,’” Jun says.
Sho says nothing, so Jun keeps going. His voice is almost bitter.
“They ask why I stopped dancing. And I’ve lied. I’ve lied almost every time. I’ve described injuries. I’ve told people I was fired. Or that I quit over a pay dispute. Or that I wanted to go home. I’ve even told people I got caught having an affair with another dancer’s girlfriend. I’ve been very creative over the years.”
“Which lie are you going to tell me?” Sho asks softly.
“I wasn’t planning to lie to you.”
“Even though I pried into your personal life?”
“Toma says I should stop being mysterious.” Jun’s hands still, and Sho nearly gasps when Jun squeezes his arms, almost desperately. As if confirming for himself that Sho is here, that Sho is real. “And since you got caught up in the fight I had with Aiba-kun, I think you should know.”
Sho can barely speak. What does Aiba have to do with this? “Okay.”
“There was a dancer I was mentoring. She was also from Japan. Not many of us get selected since there’s not a lot of auditions for Haley Alvin overseas. She joined up when I was 24, and I guess…I don’t know, I guess I tried to play the big brother role with her. Her parents would call me, asking how she was. They asked me to help her out. I was glad to do it.”
Jun’s grip on him loosens a little as he tells his story.
“Couple years go by, and the work changes a little. I started getting bigger roles to play, a solo here and there. I didn’t really have as much time for Natsu any more. So I didn’t really notice anything was wrong with her,” Jun says, struggling to get his words out. “She tried and tried to talk to me, I kept blowing her off. Work was important, work was always too important. She and I were in Haley Alvin, the pressure never lets up. I handled it. It was hard, but I handled it. Natsu…Natsu needed me, and I wasn’t there for her.”
“Oh no,” Sho mumbles, heart aching at how sad Jun sounds. He needs only to turn in his chair, and he knows he’ll see that Jun’s close to tears.
“I wasn’t the one who found her,” Jun says. “But I was the one who had to call her parents and try to explain why I didn’t notice. Why I didn’t help her.”
Now Sho knows why Nino sometimes sends patients here. Specifically here, to the Hidamari Guest House.
“So I didn’t get hurt. I didn’t get fired. And I didn’t have an affair.” He hears Jun take a deep breath. “We were in the middle of a tour. I told the people in charge that I was going to bring Natsu home. They said I’d be breaking my contract. There’s always someone they can replace you with, someone’s always waiting for their chance. So I quit and brought her home. Going back was never an option in my mind.”
“I’m sorry.”
“She was from here. From Onjuku. So that’s why I come here. I give my summer to Natsu.”
Sho wonders if Jun’s managed to forgive himself. If he’ll ever be able to.
He moves forward, wiping his eyes. Jun’s hands slip away as Sho gets out of the chair, gets to his feet. He turns and he sees complete trust, complete honesty in Jun’s face. His eyes are red, tears roll down his cheeks. Sho wants to reach out, take Jun in his arms. He wants to say it’s not his fault. What happened to Natsu was not Jun’s fault. It was the illness’ fault. Whatever Natsu had was likely similar to what Sho’s mother has dealt with her whole life.
But Sho can’t say anything like that. He can’t tell Jun how to feel. He can’t give Jun any more comfort than his words. He leans back against the table, keeping his guilty urges to himself.
“Thank you for telling me. I’m very sorry.”
Jun nods. “It’s not something that comes up naturally in conversation. I hope you haven’t felt like I’ve been trying to hide anything.”
“No, of course not. Of course not.”
“I’m glad you know. If you were going to learn about it, I wanted it to come from me directly.”
He can’t help but ask. “About what you said earlier. What does this have to do with Aiba-kun?”
Jun doesn’t wipe his grief away. He leaves it there for Sho to see. Unashamed of it.
“A reporter from some tabloid magazine came to Onjuku a few weeks back, before you and your mother came here. I guess the reporter had heard I lived in town, wanted to get my take on Natsu’s death. It was for…I don’t understand this, but I guess they were doing some trash series on celebrity suicides. Triple Kitchen’s the big draw in town, the best place to start poking around, asking questions. Aiba sent this asshole straight to the house, didn’t ask who they were or why they were looking for me. He didn’t mean any harm, I know…”
“What did you do?”
Jun grins bitterly. “To the reporter? I told him if he came near my house again, I’d kill him. And Aiba-kun? Well, you probably have an idea how that went.”
Yes, Sho thinks, remembering Jun’s anger that day, yanking up weeds. Yes, Sho thinks, remembering the day Jun and Aiba’s conflict had ended. It had been five hours before Jun returned.
“Sorry to make you dredge up unhappy memories, even if you wanted to share them with me. But it means a lot, knowing that you understand.” Sho meets his eyes. “You understand what my mom is dealing with.”
“Yeah. I do. But it seems like being here has helped her. I’m happy for it.”
“I’m happy, too. Thank you, Jun.”
He realizes the slip, eyes widening, but before he can apologize for being so informal, Jun’s moving away. He’s heading for his rooms.
“Your brother will be here Friday,” Jun says, putting space between them. Because why shouldn’t he. “Is he as loud as your sister?”
“No, not even close,” he replies, trying to keep his voice lighter.
“Good,” Jun says, laughing. “I think she’d get along way too well with Toma and Shun. I’m glad their dates didn’t overlap here.”
“Right. Well.” How do you say ‘thanks for the massage’ to someone? “Sleep well. Don’t stay up too late with the classics.”
Jun nods, opening his door. “Don’t stay up too late with your mysteries. Good night.”
Sho walks away. He makes it to the top of the stairs before he sits down, groaning. Everything he’s learned about Jun has only made his feelings stronger, his attraction stronger. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair to Aiba-kun. It’s not fair to Jun either, who has no idea what Sho’s feeling. Jun opened up his heart to him, Jun’s decided to trust him, and all Sho can worry about is how badly he wants him.
At the end of the month, Jun’s going to close up the Hidamari Guest House. He’s going to leave Onjuku behind. And then he’ll only be four stops away.
“Idiot,” Sho tells himself, allowing himself to sulk for only a little bit longer before getting to his feet and going to bed.
/ / / / /
Sho was already in junior high school when Sou was born. Maya is five years younger, so she and Sho have always been able to connect on some fundamental level. But Sou is thirteen years younger, from a completely different generation. His baby brother was starting kindergarten when he was getting ready to go to university.
Sho still makes references or jokes that his brother doesn’t quite get, but Sou has always readily nodded and smiled in reply to pacify him. Sou is the perfect balance between his siblings. Maya can be a little scatterbrained while Sho has been described on many occasions as a bit of a control freak. Maya is impulsive, Sho likes to plan. Sou, eight and thirteen years younger than his sister and brother, was able to observe them and develop into a level-headed person. He’s the most ‘go with the flow’ person Sho has ever encountered.
He picks his brother up from the Onjuku train station, and his presence fills Yukie with happiness. They haven’t seen him since his big move, and Sou calmly answers the dozens of questions they throw at him about his new job and new girlfriend, who wasn’t able to take time off work to come visit.
He’s never been into surfing, but he wants to try jet skiing and Jun suggests they go to Katsuura, where they can be rented. “Why don’t you come down with us?” Sou asks.
Where Sho assumes Jun’s answer will be a no, he surprises him with a “Sure, that sounds fun.”
The four of them pile into Sho’s car, Sou and his mom in the backseat (on Yukie’s stubborn insistence) and Jun in the passenger’s seat beside him. They leave Onjuku behind, the trunk of the car packed with a picnic lunch and the beach chairs. Yukie, sun hat perched on her head, looks at each of them firmly before they head off to the rental booth down by the small pier.
“I forbid you to go too fast,” she says, looking at them with a stern expression. “I forbid you to show off. And I especially forbid you from injuring yourselves. Be careful, that’s an order from your mother.”
“Yes, Mom,” Sho and Sou say dutifully.
Yukie turns her attention specifically to Jun, arms crossed. “I only heard from two of you.”
Today Sho can see that Jun seems happier. Perhaps telling Sho about Natsu and the dance troupe has relieved a burden for him. But it still surprises him when Jun puts his hand to his heart.
“Yes, Mom,” he replies, and Yukie seems pleased with his response.
“Off you go. Have fun.”
For safety reasons, only people with a license can ride alone or serve as a driver. Sou doesn’t have a jet ski license, and neither does Sho. But Jun does. “You can ride with Matsujun,” Sho says, but Sou shakes his head.
“You old guys will go too slow,” Sou teases, since the staff member from the rental shop looks closer to Sou’s age than theirs.
“Old guys?” Jun jokingly protests before turning to Sho. “Come on, Sho-san. Let’s show him what old guys can do.”
Sho rolls his eyes. No matter what, he’s going to be someone’s passenger today. They get a brief safety orientation and put on their life vests before they follow the staff member to the end of the dock. Sou sits behind his new friend while Sho reluctantly follows Jun onto another jet ski, sitting down on the seat behind him. They’ve paid for some 30-minute obstacle course “experience,” and he’s already panicking.
Jun turns the jet ski on, revving it a little in challenge to the staff member and Sou. “Hold on to me,” Jun says. “We’ll show Little Brother that we’re not here to take it easy.”
They’re both in t-shirts and trunks, and Sho does as he’s told, his arms wrapping around Jun’s middle at the bottom of his life vest. It’s hard not to watch Jun’s bared arms before him, watching his muscles flex a bit as he holds on to the handles and pilots them slowly away from the dock, following the staff member and Sou’s jet ski toward the obstacle course.
It’s nothing fancy, just a handful of brightly colored buoys in the water that they’re set to drive around, but Jun takes it very seriously. They can’t actually race each other, but Jun’s not shy about showing off, being competitive. They make some tight turns around some of the buoys, and Sho has no choice but to wrap his arms around Jun tighter or risk falling off into the water.
The jet ski kicks up a torrent of water, and there’s a nice breeze that feels great as they glide over the waves. “We should go faster!” Jun shouts over the roar of the small engine, and Sho leans forward, close to his ear.
“Don’t be reckless!”
“You sound like your mom!”
He leans even closer so he can shout again. “Good!”
He can see the smile on his brother’s face as his jet ski comes flying around one of the buoys, heading back the way they’ve come. Meanwhile, Sho isn’t smiling. He’s got his eyes shut most of the time, hearing Jun let out whoops of joy with each sharp turn they make. Sho wonders if Jun’s annoyed by how tightly he’s holding onto him.
Whether they have shown Sou what old guys can do or not, Jun returns them to the dock when their time is up with no less enthusiasm. They leave their life jackets behind, and Sho tries to control his wobbly legs after clinging to the jet ski (and Jun) for dear life. Jun’s still hyped up, practically dancing down the dock.
“We should help Mom go set up for lunch,” Sou says.
“I’ll be there in a minute,” Sho replies. “I need a bathroom break.”
He’s lucky he didn’t wet himself on the jet ski during one of Jun’s more daredevil turns.
“Me too, be right back,” Jun says.
They head for the public restroom a short ways off from where Yukie has set up their beach camp for the day. Sho barely has a moment to realize what’s happening when the bathroom door shuts behind him, and Jun grabs him by the hand.
He doesn’t have a chance to think, to wonder if the bathroom is actually empty, because Jun is pushing him back against the wall. Sho nearly ends up smacking against one of the hand dryers but he thankfully misses. Jun’s damp, lean body is now pressed entirely against him, and Sho gasps in shock.
He’s confronted with Jun’s face mere inches from his own, those dark and dangerous eyes of his concentrating entirely on his mouth. “Jun,” he whispers, not sure what’s snapped in him since leaving the jet skis and coming in here.
Jun doesn’t reply, and Sho feels Jun’s breath against his face, feels Jun’s firm hand near his waist, under his shirt where bare skin meets swim trunks. It’s a ticklish gesture, and Sho nearly jerks away. Any moment now, someone is bound to walk into the restroom and see them.
“Jun,” he says again, a bit more sharply this time.
But Jun takes that as a challenge, and Sho allows their lips to meet for only a few seconds before he’s putting a hand between them, pushing Jun back. It’s one of the most difficult things he’s ever had to do.
“Wait.”
“Wait?” Jun asks, laughing a little. He’s looking at Sho like he thinks they’re on the same page on this. He runs his hand through his wet hair, slicking it back away from his face. It’s a ridiculously sexy move that would leave anyone weak in the knees, but right now Sho’s stomach is tying itself in knots. “Wait for what?”
He’s hurt. How can Jun say this? How can Jun even do any of this?
Had it been this easy for Kohei? Was it so easy for him to forget the person he claimed to care about, to take what he wanted from somebody else?
“I’m not a cheater,” Sho says firmly, pushing Jun back with a little more force. “I’m not.”
He can see several different emotions flit across Jun’s face, but none of them seem to be shame. And for that, Sho is disappointed. The Matsumoto Jun of a few nights back, fuck, the Matsumoto Jun of the last few weeks seemed to be a kind person, a loyal and gentle person. He’s not sure who’s followed him into the public restroom at the Katsuura beach of all places, but it’s not the person Sho thought he knew.
“The hell are you talking about?” Jun asks him.
He’s going to pretend this is Sho’s fault? He thought he could get away with this? He thought it would be okay because he believes that Sho doesn’t know about Aiba?
“I actually have to use the bathroom,” Sho says awkwardly. “If you don’t mind.”
Jun steps back, a hurt look in his eyes. His voice is apologetic, but cold. “Sorry. I won’t make that mistake again, Sho-san.”
He leaves, and Sho stands there, back to the wall. He shuts his eyes, wondering how they could have gone from the respect and understanding from the other night to…
…whatever this is.
“Fuck,” he hisses, thumping the wall with his fist.
/ / / / /
They act very cordial around each other when they return for the picnic. Jun is polite, just as accommodating and host-like as always. It’s Sho who wants to be sick. Sho who has trouble saying a word.
Is this his fault? Did he act too interested? Did he give himself away, even though he’s been struggling to hide his interest in Jun ever since he saw the two of them outside that night?
They leave Katsuura mid-afternoon, and Sou wants to wander around town, take in the sights. Jun tells them if he’s needed that they can just knock on his door. To Jun’s credit, his behavior isn’t suspicious enough to alarm Yukie, and the three of them spend the rest of the day wandering around town, saying hello to the camels as shame and guilt eat away at Sho.
When Yukie suggests they get dinner at Triple Kitchen, he reminds her of the fish in the fridge they have from the Ohno family. But he can’t avoid the place much longer when they hit the beach the next day as well, and Sou won’t stop talking about it. Apparently Maya’s been texting him about it all week, getting him excited for it.
They stand in line, his brother and his mother oblivious to Sho’s foolish problems. Aiba’s friendly, smiling when the Sakurai family arrives for yet another visit. Aiba’s simply Aiba. Sho nearly blurts out everything when Aiba leans forward, asking Sho how he’s doing.
I’m doing horribly, he wants to say. I’m doing horribly because your boyfriend tried to kiss me and acted like there was nothing wrong with it. I’m doing horribly because if things were different and I didn’t know about you, I’d have kissed him back.
He just orders his clam platter, offers a fake smile. Grins and bears it.
Jun barely emerges from his rooms, still putting on his friendly front for Yukie and Sou if he does come out, but the only times Sho sees him, it’s when he’s going out onto the balcony to attend to his beloved bonsai. Jun can’t meet his eyes now, so maybe he’s realized that Sho knows more than he originally thought.
Sho doesn’t know how things could have gone this badly so quickly. For the better part of a month, his crush on Matsumoto Jun has grown, been nurtured with each kindness, with each gentle tease, and with each glance. And when Jun told Sho what happened to him, about giving up dance, he thought it meant they were friends. Trusted confidantes at the very least. But Jun had crossed the line so easily.
He keeps reliving it, though it had only been seconds. Jun’s giddiness as they walked up the dock, Jun shutting the door after them. Jun’s hand on him. His back hitting the wall. Jun so close he could taste him. He hates how badly he wanted it, despite everything.
Kohei really fucked him up. An entire year, Sho’s kept himself from feeling anything. Because all he remembers is the night Kohei finally confessed, providing all the details without sounding sorry. Like a machine, not like a human being with a heart.
Sho, I’ve been cheating on you.
It’s been going on a while.
No, you don’t know him.
Condoms? Most of the time, yeah.
No, I don’t know how many times we didn’t use them.
You really want me to count?
Look, it’s just hard for me sometimes. Being exclusive, that is. I can’t change that.
Well, then if it’s going to be a problem, I can understand if you want to break up.
Those empty, cold words ring in Sho’s ears afresh. Two years that meant so much to Sho apparently meant nothing to his partner. So he simply stopped. He took himself out of the running. He took time to heal, to focus on work. To focus on his mother. But in focusing on his mother, he’s ended up here. In Onjuku. And now that he’s finally found someone who makes him smile, makes him wonder if it’s okay to try again, it turns out that he’s no different from Kohei.
Alright, Jun’s not Kohei. He’s not.
But it hurts just as much, knowing what he knows about Jun. Knowing the person he is in all other circumstances. How could someone so kind do something so selfish?
Sou’s weekend wraps up without incident, and when Sho drives him to the train station, it’s only his first stop. He’s due back in Tokyo and he has two days of faculty meetings to attend. His father will not be coming to Onjuku, so Yukie will be entirely in Jun’s care. That at least Sho knows he can trust him to handle. Jun’s sweetness around Yukie was one of the reasons Sho fell for him in the first place.
He says goodbye to his mother, packing only his laptop bag to bring back home with him. He hugs his brother goodbye, wishing he’d been able to enjoy their time together more. He’s spent the last few days selfishly worrying about his own problems, lying to his mother and avoiding Jun as much as possible.
Maybe going home will do a firm reset, get him to stop feeling the way he feels about Jun. And maybe this time when he returns to Onjuku, Aiba and Jun won’t be kissing and laughing in the dark.
/ / / / /
It rains the next few days, and Sho can only laugh at how well it matches his mood. He focuses as best he can on work. The month had already started when he and his mother arrived in Onjuku, and he’s only just realized that this week will be the end of their stay. Today’s the 29th and August will be ending. School starts next week. Yukie has to go home, and he can only hope that the new medication regimen will keep her in better spirits, especially once she’s back in Tokyo, back to normal speed.
He’s wasted too many days worrying about Jun, about the guy who just runs the guest house, when he should have spent more time concerned with his mother. This whole month was supposed to have been about her. Her happiness, her vacation, her recovery. Sho’s let a wayward crush sap his wits. He’s let his own loneliness and anxiety take control.
His meetings at school went well, and in the morning he’ll do the long drive again. He plans to sleep in, take his time. For now, he’s eating some instant ramen and transferring photos from his phone to his computer and the external hard drive where he backs them all up.
He reaches the photo of himself standing behind the bronze camel’s ass when his phone rings. It’s not a number he recognizes, but it could be Jun calling about Yukie from a landline or someone else calling about Yukie. He answers quickly.
“This is Sakurai.”
“Sho-chan, Aiba Masaki here.”
This isn’t who he expected. “Aiba-kun, hi. Is everything okay?”
“Um, this is going to sound creepy, and I’m sorry, but can you let me come up? I didn’t want to just press the buzzer for your apartment out of nowhere.”
“I’m sorry, what’s that?” he stutters out, getting out of his desk chair. He walks through his apartment, moving to the small video intercom screen by his front door. He can see Aiba Masaki waiting in the downstairs entryway to his building, umbrella in one hand, cell phone raised to his ear in the other. “You’re here? What about your restaurant?”
“Sho-chan, can I please come up?”
“Okay.”
He presses the buzzer to let Aiba into the elevator lobby, giving him about two minutes to come to terms with the fact that Aiba Masaki has come all the way here from Onjuku to talk to him. If Aiba’s coming here to confront him, which seems a little dramatic for someone like Aiba, then why would he still be calling him “Sho-chan”?
He opens the door with an overwhelming feeling of dread, but Aiba doesn’t seem angry. Aiba leaves his wet umbrella and sneakers in the genkan, following Sho in. They make it to the living room before Sho can’t help exploding a little.
“How the hell did you get here? How do you know where I live?”
“I called Nino,” Aiba explains, and apparently Ninomiya-sensei is a close friend of Aiba as well. Which means that Aiba likely knows Yukie is his patient, maybe he has known all along. “He told me to go to hell, but then I said it was important and it was going to help Matsujun, so he gave it to me. Google Maps took care of the rest.”
Ninomiya only has Sho’s address because he’s Yukie’s emergency contact. Sho decides not to be annoyed about the breach of doctor/patient confidentiality. Well, doctor/patient’s son anyway.
“And to your first question, how I got here, that’s easy. I took the train.”
It’s trains, plural, Sho knows. To get here from Onjuku, it takes two trains and more than two hours. His watch tells him it’s 9:36 PM. It’s not likely Aiba will be able to get back home tonight, but he’s come anyway.
“Aiba-kun…”
“Before you say anything, let me ask you something.” He leans forward, resting his hands on Sho’s shoulders. “Do you like Matsujun?”
Sho’s eyes widen. “No…no…”
“Don’t lie to me,” Aiba prods, shaking him a little. “Please, just be honest.”
“Okay.” Sho takes a breath. It’s better that Aiba knows. “Yes.”
“Oh thank god!” Aiba says in relief, squeezing him hard and laughing. “I was freaking out the whole way here worrying that you were gonna say no.”
“What? What are you talking about?” Sho gently removes Aiba’s hands from him, lets them drop. “Aiba-kun, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to. I honestly had no idea what was going on, and as soon as I realized you two were together, I tried my hardest to keep my feelings for him to myself.”
Aiba laughs even harder, nearly doubled over. It’s an odd reaction, that’s for sure.
“Oh Sho-chan, no. Oh no, oh no, I was right…”
“You knew?”
Aiba wipes a tear from his eyes, but Sho doesn’t think it’s a sad one. Aiba’s having trouble looking at him without laughing. “You are such a bonehead. All you had to do was ask one of us! Instead of that, I’m guessing you’ve been torturing yourself and…oh, Sho-chan, I’m so sorry!”
He takes a step back, alarmed. “Can you please….please explain what the hell is going on here?”
Aiba takes him by the wrist, pulls him over to the couch and they sit down. Aiba looks about ready to burst with whatever information he needs to share.
“First off, let me be extremely clear about this.” Aiba overenunciates each word. “Matsujun. And. I. are. not. dating.”
Sho stares at him.
“We. are. not. together.”
“I don’t understand,” Sho mumbles. “I saw you…”
To his surprise, Aiba doesn’t look angry. He looks even more amused. “Sho-chan, tell me what you saw. Exactly what you saw. I already think I know, but I want to hear it from you.”
Sho is mortified, unable to look Aiba in the eye. What does he mean that he and Jun aren’t together?
“It was a while back. I had to come home for work, and the night I came back to Onjuku, I saw you guys. I…I parked my car and I was heading back for the house. But I saw the two of you outside, on the steps. You were talking, laughing about something. I didn’t realize what was happening until you…”
“Until we…?”
“I saw Jun kiss you, but I swear, I didn’t stay and watch like some pervert,” he says, barely getting his words out. “As soon as I saw you kiss, I walked away. I went around the back of the house, I don’t know, it wasn’t my business so I walked away. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry.”
“I see,” Aiba says, nodding. He pats Sho on the leg, encouraging him to look at him. When he does, he can see Aiba smiling. “Full disclosure, he and I used to fool around sometimes. Emphasis on used to.”
“What does that mean?” Sho can’t even put words to what he’s feeling right now.
“It means that, as I have already told you, Matsujun and I are not currently together. And what we may have had in the past was never serious. Because I can’t really be in a relationship with someone I see only two months out of the year. We’re just friends. I’m telling you, Sho-chan, we’re just friends and that’s the honest truth. I didn’t come all the way here to lie to you.”
Sho feels like a fool. He knows what he saw. “Then why did he kiss you?”
“Because we were drunk that night. And because he was lonely and he missed you, I told him that if he wanted, he could kiss me like he wanted to kiss you.”
Sho’s pretty sure that Aiba is speaking Japanese, that the words he’s just spoken were a full and complete sentence. And yet he’s not comprehending them. He’s completely flabbergasted, to the point that Aiba has to wave a hand in front of his face.
“Earth to Sho-chan,” Aiba teases. “Please come in. Do you read me? Earth to Sho-chan!”
He blinks. “I…what?”
Aiba takes his hands in his own, still laughing. “Sho-chan, are you really this dense? Matsujun is really into you.”
“I…I didn’t know what to do. What was I supposed to think, after seeing him kiss you?”
“He came complaining to me the other night that you told him you weren’t a cheater, and he had no idea what you were talking about. You should have heard him.” Aiba’s impersonation of Jun’s voice is spot on. “’I don’t get him, Masaki. I don’t get him at all! Yukie-san told me Sho isn’t dating anyone. Who is the cheater? Am I the cheater?’”
Sho’s even more alarmed that his mother has been dragged into this mess. From day one, Yukie had already managed to find out that Jun was single. But at some point in the last few weeks, Jun had deliberately sought out the same information about him. And there’s only one reason why Jun would ask her that.
“Oh my god,” Sho murmurs, holding his head in his hands.
“We all told him to go for it, we were so sick of him whining about it.” The Jun voice is back. “‘It’s too soon, I can’t. What if I’m not his type, I can’t…’”
“We?” Sho squeaks. “Who’s we?!”
“Me. Toma-kun. Shun-kun…even Oh-chan’s been texting me about it…”
“Oh my god,” Sho moans again.
Aiba wraps an arm around him, and Sho is so overwhelmed that he’s grateful for it, leaning against him.
“The two of you really have communication problems. You’re both so smart,” Aiba chides him. “I don’t get it at all.”
“I’ve barely known him for…”
“Sho-chan, when something feels right, does it matter how long it’s been? We’re in the age of Tinder, you know. The fact that two attractive, single people who clearly want each other have gone this long without doing something about it…it’s amazing.”
Sho quiets down. Aiba’s telling him again and again, telling him it’s true. That Sho hasn’t been reading things wrong from the start. He’s been reading them perfectly. The smiles, the teasing. Jun’s hand on his wrist to refill his wine glass. The massage. Jun finally giving in at Katsuura Beach. Jun has been broadcasting what he wants loud and clear.
Aiba’s voice is soothing, reassuring. “He really does like you. Don’t overthink it. We’re all cheering you on.”
None of this seems reasonable. None of this makes any sense. Sho has caused himself nothing but heartache because of that kiss he witnessed. A kiss that meant the complete opposite of what he thought. That night on the steps Jun had kissed Aiba, pretending it was Sho instead.
“How am I supposed to go back?” Sho asks, his voice cracking. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life!”
“Tell him what you’ve told me. Tell him what you saw. Or, you know, you don’t have to tell him anything right away. You could just kiss him. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that it works.”
He snorts before detangling himself from Aiba, getting to his feet. “What time do you have to open tomorrow? The restaurant? Stay here tonight, and we can leave early in the morning. As early as you need.”
Aiba stands up too, grinning, apparently happy that his efforts have not been in vain. Jun is lucky to have a friend like him. “Why don’t we leave now?”
“Now?” It’s after 10:00…they won’t get back to Onjuku until after midnight. “Why now?”
“Because I’ve seen a lot of movies and dramas in my life, and how you time your confession is really important.” Aiba smiles that perfect smile of his. “So it is my absolute pleasure to inform you that tomorrow is Jun’s birthday.”
Part Six