The Room...?
Title: The Room...?
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: All of TOKIO. I hesitate to even say pairings in something as intentionally cracky as this.
Summary: “Oh, hi Gussan!”
Notes/Warnings: An End of 2009 Request from basil_ovelby. This entire story is kind of an inside joke/wish fulfillment. To understand this poorly written story, you have to have seen the terrible movie The Room - otherwise you just...won't have any idea what's going on here. Sorry.
Joshima whistled a happy tune as he came home to his beloved Tatsuya. He tripped over his long overcoat as he merrily climbed the stairs, present in hand. Gussan opened their apartment door and just smiled.
“Oh, hi Gussan!” Joshima announced cheerfully, holding up the box. “I bought you a little something.”
Gussan’s smile was totally fake, but Joshima never picked up on things like that. “A present? Great.” He unwrapped the box as Joshima ran a hand through his epic hair. He was a little confused - why the hell had Leader bought him a red dress?
Without knocking, Nagase popped his head into the room. “Heeeeey Leader!”
“Oh, hi Tomoya!” Joshima greeted the younger man. “I bought Gussan a dress.”
“That’s awesome!”
Gussan shoved the dress back in the box and tossed it aside. “Nagase, you can’t just barge in here.”
“Haha, sorry.” He clearly was not sorry, probably thinking he’d get to do some peeping. Gussan was no fool - it was obvious that Tomoya was a pervert, but Joshima had always looked out for him. There was no getting rid of him.
They went up the spiral staircase and had a tickle fight, but Gussan’s heart just wasn’t in it.
--
“I got the test results back,” Mabo announced, knocking back a shot of tequila as Gussan plucked absentmindedly at his bass. “I definitely have breast cancer.”
Gussan didn’t react. He clearly wasn’t paying attention. Even an outrageous lie wasn’t working.
“I said I definitely have breast cancer,” Mabo repeated, tapping the coffee table with a drumstick in hopes of getting his friend’s attention.
“I don’t love Leader any more,” Gussan mumbled. “He’s boring.”
“Boring? How?” Sure, Leader could be a bit strange, Mabo thought, but he was a nice guy. He was very loving and generous.
“We’ve been together for so long,” Gussan complained. “I just don’t care. I need some excitement. Leader’s not exciting.”
Mabo held his tongue. The last thing they needed was a big crazy epic break-up making them all take sides. Would he side with Leader, who wasn’t always there mentally? Or Gussan, who was so beautiful?
“So um, are we going to work on planning the tour or not?”
--
Taichi elbowed the peeping Tomoya out of the way as he entered Joshima and Tatsuya’s apartment. Gussan had sounded kind of strange on the phone, but whatever, he was so beautiful that Taichi would do anything for him. Even though Leader was his best friend.
Gussan opened the door wearing a red dress, and Taichi was confused. “I…what?”
“Hi Taichi,” Gussan said, flexing a bicep, making it all the more horrifying. “Leader’s gone for the day. Wanna hang out? Wanna let me tune your piano?”
“Is that a…sexual overture?”
Gussan wrapped his beautiful, beefy arms around Taichi’s smaller body. “Do you want it to be?”
Taichi thought long and hard. True, he and Leader were best friends…but it was hard to resist Gussan’s beautiful, sexy body. “We shouldn’t.”
They did anyway.
--
Something strange was going on, Mabo realized. Leader was kind of oblivious to it, but Taichi and Gussan were making the sexy eyes at each other now. Clearly there was some cheating going on, and no matter how many times Mabo hinted that he had breast cancer, nobody cared.
Leader was composing a song with tons of emoticons in it about how beautiful Gussan’s ass was. But who would sing it? Where had Nagase gone?
Taichi was sitting at the keyboard, absent-mindedly pressing keys while Gussan lounged in the red dress. Was anyone going to explain the red dress?
“Has anyone seen Tomoya-kun?” Joshima asked. But they had their answer soon after - they could hear a scuffle on the roof. What was going on?
The four of them all got up and hurried upstairs. Nagase was on his hands and knees, begging some guy in a black tank top and a beanie to forgive him.
“I’ll have the money for you in a week. No, tomorrow!”
The guy was brandishing a gun, and he looked like serious business. “Where’s my money, Nagase? Where is it?”
“I don’t…I don’t have it! I’m so sorry Nishikido-R!”
Mabo was getting really annoyed. The guy’s name was Nishikido-R?! Joshima and Taichi, best friends forever, teamed up and tackled the guy while Gussan beautifully went over to shield Nagase with his body.
“I’m trying to write a song, hah?” Leader shouted. “Nobody threatens Tomoya!”
Gussan rolled his eyes. Joshima and Taichi dragged the beanie guy out while Gussan interrogated Nagase.
“Tomoya, why do you owe that skinny guy money?” Gussan demanded, shaking Nagase to within an inch of his life.
“Drugs or something,” Nagase admitted. “I’m sorry!”
“You’re sorry!?” Gussan screeched, shaking him more. “What the hell is wrong with you? We have a concert coming up!”
Mabo shook his head. “Seriously, Nagase. What’s your problem?”
“You’re not my mom!” Nagase then sat down and sulked. It was a losing battle. They left Nagase on the roof alone to brood or whatever he did when he wasn’t shaking his wiener or spying on people.
--
Later that afternoon, Taichi was sitting on the roof, tossing a football in the air. Gussan was so beautiful, but he felt terrible for Leader. He was his best friend!
The door to the roof slammed open, and Joshima stormed in, looking grumpy. “I did not hit him, that’s bullshit. It’s not true! I did not!” Joshima paused when he saw Taichi sitting there. “Oh, hi Taichi.”
“Hey Leader.”
Joshima frowned when Taichi didn’t throw him the football. “My future husband Gussan…I love him so much, but he is telling people that I hit him. I do not hit him, Taichi. You are my best friend, you know I would never…”
“Yeah, alright,” Taichi interrupted, getting more and more embarrassed. He’d have to break it off with Gussan. This was such a mess.
“What about you, Taichi? How’s your sex life? You should get a lover.”
Taichi just shook his head, throwing the football two meters into Joshima’s waiting arms. “You can’t trust people. All they do is manipulate and lie.”
“Well, Gussan would never do that,” Leader noted. “He’s so beautiful, and I love him so much.”
“Have fun with that,” Taichi said. When he got downstairs, Gussan was beautifully waiting for him in the nude with pizza and whiskey. All they were missing was a cheesy R&B song, but they put on Amagasa instead so at least Joshima wouldn’t hear them.
--
Gussan was decorating half-heartedly for the party. It was Leader’s birthday, and he was turning 63 this year. Probably. Mabo was sticking pictures of cute puppies and hamsters up so that Leader would smile and clap, and as far as they knew, Nagase was going to sing a love song. At least before he ended up drunk and naked with a lampshade on his head. At least he was kicking the drug thing after the Nishikido-R incident.
“Joshima is so good to you,” Mabo reminded his friend. “You’ve been inseparable for so long. I don’t know why you keep doing this.”
“I don’t care. I just want to get what I want,” Gussan announced. God, he was beautiful. Taichi came in, and Mabo sighed as he and Gussan made out without a care in the world.
“You’re going to break his heart,” Mabo grumbled as he threw some straw and grass on the floor so Leader would think he was at the DASH farm. “And the chemo’s going fine, thanks for asking.”
--
The party was a success. Leader was surprised that his bandmates had thrown him a party, and they’d even invited all the J-Friends along. Most of V6 was looking on in shock and horror as beautiful Gussan and Taichi slow danced in the middle of the room. They were openly flaunting their love, Mabo noted, and still Joshima hadn’t caught on.
“Yamaguchi’s looking hot tonight,” Okada told Mabo randomly.
Joshima was busy going from friend to friend, telling them that he and Gussan were expecting. Mabo wasn’t exactly sure what they were expecting, since men couldn’t have babies. What Joshima wasn’t expecting though, was the betrayal going on right under his nose.
Nagase got on the microphone to sing a drunken message of love for Leader. “Thanks for helping me with everything, Leader. You’re the best Leader ever!” The gathered Johnny’s clapped, but Nagase frowned. “It’s too bad Gussan’s totally cheating on you.”
Joshima looked stunned, like a cute little bunny who’d just had his favorite carrot stolen away. Meanwhile, Gussan was humping Taichi on the dance floor, unashamed.
“Tatsuya!” Inocchi cried out of nowhere. “Stop! It’s like standing next to an atomic bomb waiting for it to explode!”
“The hell?” Taichi asked. But he was interrupted by Joshima chasing him around the room with his guitar.
“Gussan is mine, hah!” Leader cried, tears streaming down his cute cheeks.
“Joshima, stop it!” Gussan demanded, more beautiful than ever.
Joshima set the guitar down and tore at his long, stringy hair. “You’re tearing me apart, Gussan!”
“This is a weird party,” Sakamoto complained. “And they always say the SMAP ones get out of hand…”
--
When the guests left, Taichi went back to his place. He kind of wanted to be with Gussan forever since he was so beautiful, but now he’d just lost his best friend. It would make the upcoming tour several kinds of awkward. But Joshima had totally gone crazy at the party, so he was kind of a jerk now.
His cell phone rang. “Hello?”
“It’s me, Tatsuya. Leader locked himself in the bathroom.”
“On purpose?”
Gussan paused. “Hmm, yeah, I think it was on purpose this time.”
“Probably because we totally betrayed him.” He tossed the football up in the air. “Anyhow, he’s a total loser. I don’t like him any more. You should come up.”
--
Joshima felt like his life was over. His beautiful Gussan, his best friend Taichi. None of it made sense any more! He walked around the room angrily, knocking over dressers and televisions and things that the management would probably make him pay for later. But he didn’t care. He was heartbroken.
Gussan had left the dress on the floor, and Joshima sat down on it, crying. “That guy’s name is Tatsu-chan!” He sniffed. “Also known as Konguuuu. Waaaaah, Gussan!”
He couldn’t take any more of this! Without Gussan, TOKIO couldn’t be TOKIO. He dug through one of the cabinets, finding a gun.
“How did this get here? Oh well!”
He pointed it at his head and with one last thought of his beautiful Tatsuya, he pulled the trigger.
--
When Taichi and Gussan got there, Nagase was cradling Leader’s body in his arms and screaming.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“What happened?” Gussan asked, flexing a beautiful bicep.
“He’s dead!” Nagase declared, and Taichi gasped.
“Are you serious?!”
They noticed the gun on the floor, and they all started crying. Taichi felt horrible - so very guilty. How could they have let Leader do this to himself? He shoved Gussan. “This is all your fault, trollop.”
Gussan sighed, picking up the pistol from the ground and pointing it at his own head. Taichi nearly fainted as Gussan pulled the trigger, but instead of Tatsuya’s head disappearing, a bead of water trickled down his face. It was a water gun.
Nagase calmed down. “Wait…he’s just asleep?”
“He’s getting old, you know,” Taichi noted.
“This ending’s kind of unexpected,” Gussan said.
“Yeah,” Nagase said.
“Oh well.”
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: All of TOKIO. I hesitate to even say pairings in something as intentionally cracky as this.
Summary: “Oh, hi Gussan!”
Notes/Warnings: An End of 2009 Request from basil_ovelby. This entire story is kind of an inside joke/wish fulfillment. To understand this poorly written story, you have to have seen the terrible movie The Room - otherwise you just...won't have any idea what's going on here. Sorry.
Joshima whistled a happy tune as he came home to his beloved Tatsuya. He tripped over his long overcoat as he merrily climbed the stairs, present in hand. Gussan opened their apartment door and just smiled.
“Oh, hi Gussan!” Joshima announced cheerfully, holding up the box. “I bought you a little something.”
Gussan’s smile was totally fake, but Joshima never picked up on things like that. “A present? Great.” He unwrapped the box as Joshima ran a hand through his epic hair. He was a little confused - why the hell had Leader bought him a red dress?
Without knocking, Nagase popped his head into the room. “Heeeeey Leader!”
“Oh, hi Tomoya!” Joshima greeted the younger man. “I bought Gussan a dress.”
“That’s awesome!”
Gussan shoved the dress back in the box and tossed it aside. “Nagase, you can’t just barge in here.”
“Haha, sorry.” He clearly was not sorry, probably thinking he’d get to do some peeping. Gussan was no fool - it was obvious that Tomoya was a pervert, but Joshima had always looked out for him. There was no getting rid of him.
They went up the spiral staircase and had a tickle fight, but Gussan’s heart just wasn’t in it.
--
“I got the test results back,” Mabo announced, knocking back a shot of tequila as Gussan plucked absentmindedly at his bass. “I definitely have breast cancer.”
Gussan didn’t react. He clearly wasn’t paying attention. Even an outrageous lie wasn’t working.
“I said I definitely have breast cancer,” Mabo repeated, tapping the coffee table with a drumstick in hopes of getting his friend’s attention.
“I don’t love Leader any more,” Gussan mumbled. “He’s boring.”
“Boring? How?” Sure, Leader could be a bit strange, Mabo thought, but he was a nice guy. He was very loving and generous.
“We’ve been together for so long,” Gussan complained. “I just don’t care. I need some excitement. Leader’s not exciting.”
Mabo held his tongue. The last thing they needed was a big crazy epic break-up making them all take sides. Would he side with Leader, who wasn’t always there mentally? Or Gussan, who was so beautiful?
“So um, are we going to work on planning the tour or not?”
--
Taichi elbowed the peeping Tomoya out of the way as he entered Joshima and Tatsuya’s apartment. Gussan had sounded kind of strange on the phone, but whatever, he was so beautiful that Taichi would do anything for him. Even though Leader was his best friend.
Gussan opened the door wearing a red dress, and Taichi was confused. “I…what?”
“Hi Taichi,” Gussan said, flexing a bicep, making it all the more horrifying. “Leader’s gone for the day. Wanna hang out? Wanna let me tune your piano?”
“Is that a…sexual overture?”
Gussan wrapped his beautiful, beefy arms around Taichi’s smaller body. “Do you want it to be?”
Taichi thought long and hard. True, he and Leader were best friends…but it was hard to resist Gussan’s beautiful, sexy body. “We shouldn’t.”
They did anyway.
--
Something strange was going on, Mabo realized. Leader was kind of oblivious to it, but Taichi and Gussan were making the sexy eyes at each other now. Clearly there was some cheating going on, and no matter how many times Mabo hinted that he had breast cancer, nobody cared.
Leader was composing a song with tons of emoticons in it about how beautiful Gussan’s ass was. But who would sing it? Where had Nagase gone?
Taichi was sitting at the keyboard, absent-mindedly pressing keys while Gussan lounged in the red dress. Was anyone going to explain the red dress?
“Has anyone seen Tomoya-kun?” Joshima asked. But they had their answer soon after - they could hear a scuffle on the roof. What was going on?
The four of them all got up and hurried upstairs. Nagase was on his hands and knees, begging some guy in a black tank top and a beanie to forgive him.
“I’ll have the money for you in a week. No, tomorrow!”
The guy was brandishing a gun, and he looked like serious business. “Where’s my money, Nagase? Where is it?”
“I don’t…I don’t have it! I’m so sorry Nishikido-R!”
Mabo was getting really annoyed. The guy’s name was Nishikido-R?! Joshima and Taichi, best friends forever, teamed up and tackled the guy while Gussan beautifully went over to shield Nagase with his body.
“I’m trying to write a song, hah?” Leader shouted. “Nobody threatens Tomoya!”
Gussan rolled his eyes. Joshima and Taichi dragged the beanie guy out while Gussan interrogated Nagase.
“Tomoya, why do you owe that skinny guy money?” Gussan demanded, shaking Nagase to within an inch of his life.
“Drugs or something,” Nagase admitted. “I’m sorry!”
“You’re sorry!?” Gussan screeched, shaking him more. “What the hell is wrong with you? We have a concert coming up!”
Mabo shook his head. “Seriously, Nagase. What’s your problem?”
“You’re not my mom!” Nagase then sat down and sulked. It was a losing battle. They left Nagase on the roof alone to brood or whatever he did when he wasn’t shaking his wiener or spying on people.
--
Later that afternoon, Taichi was sitting on the roof, tossing a football in the air. Gussan was so beautiful, but he felt terrible for Leader. He was his best friend!
The door to the roof slammed open, and Joshima stormed in, looking grumpy. “I did not hit him, that’s bullshit. It’s not true! I did not!” Joshima paused when he saw Taichi sitting there. “Oh, hi Taichi.”
“Hey Leader.”
Joshima frowned when Taichi didn’t throw him the football. “My future husband Gussan…I love him so much, but he is telling people that I hit him. I do not hit him, Taichi. You are my best friend, you know I would never…”
“Yeah, alright,” Taichi interrupted, getting more and more embarrassed. He’d have to break it off with Gussan. This was such a mess.
“What about you, Taichi? How’s your sex life? You should get a lover.”
Taichi just shook his head, throwing the football two meters into Joshima’s waiting arms. “You can’t trust people. All they do is manipulate and lie.”
“Well, Gussan would never do that,” Leader noted. “He’s so beautiful, and I love him so much.”
“Have fun with that,” Taichi said. When he got downstairs, Gussan was beautifully waiting for him in the nude with pizza and whiskey. All they were missing was a cheesy R&B song, but they put on Amagasa instead so at least Joshima wouldn’t hear them.
--
Gussan was decorating half-heartedly for the party. It was Leader’s birthday, and he was turning 63 this year. Probably. Mabo was sticking pictures of cute puppies and hamsters up so that Leader would smile and clap, and as far as they knew, Nagase was going to sing a love song. At least before he ended up drunk and naked with a lampshade on his head. At least he was kicking the drug thing after the Nishikido-R incident.
“Joshima is so good to you,” Mabo reminded his friend. “You’ve been inseparable for so long. I don’t know why you keep doing this.”
“I don’t care. I just want to get what I want,” Gussan announced. God, he was beautiful. Taichi came in, and Mabo sighed as he and Gussan made out without a care in the world.
“You’re going to break his heart,” Mabo grumbled as he threw some straw and grass on the floor so Leader would think he was at the DASH farm. “And the chemo’s going fine, thanks for asking.”
--
The party was a success. Leader was surprised that his bandmates had thrown him a party, and they’d even invited all the J-Friends along. Most of V6 was looking on in shock and horror as beautiful Gussan and Taichi slow danced in the middle of the room. They were openly flaunting their love, Mabo noted, and still Joshima hadn’t caught on.
“Yamaguchi’s looking hot tonight,” Okada told Mabo randomly.
Joshima was busy going from friend to friend, telling them that he and Gussan were expecting. Mabo wasn’t exactly sure what they were expecting, since men couldn’t have babies. What Joshima wasn’t expecting though, was the betrayal going on right under his nose.
Nagase got on the microphone to sing a drunken message of love for Leader. “Thanks for helping me with everything, Leader. You’re the best Leader ever!” The gathered Johnny’s clapped, but Nagase frowned. “It’s too bad Gussan’s totally cheating on you.”
Joshima looked stunned, like a cute little bunny who’d just had his favorite carrot stolen away. Meanwhile, Gussan was humping Taichi on the dance floor, unashamed.
“Tatsuya!” Inocchi cried out of nowhere. “Stop! It’s like standing next to an atomic bomb waiting for it to explode!”
“The hell?” Taichi asked. But he was interrupted by Joshima chasing him around the room with his guitar.
“Gussan is mine, hah!” Leader cried, tears streaming down his cute cheeks.
“Joshima, stop it!” Gussan demanded, more beautiful than ever.
Joshima set the guitar down and tore at his long, stringy hair. “You’re tearing me apart, Gussan!”
“This is a weird party,” Sakamoto complained. “And they always say the SMAP ones get out of hand…”
--
When the guests left, Taichi went back to his place. He kind of wanted to be with Gussan forever since he was so beautiful, but now he’d just lost his best friend. It would make the upcoming tour several kinds of awkward. But Joshima had totally gone crazy at the party, so he was kind of a jerk now.
His cell phone rang. “Hello?”
“It’s me, Tatsuya. Leader locked himself in the bathroom.”
“On purpose?”
Gussan paused. “Hmm, yeah, I think it was on purpose this time.”
“Probably because we totally betrayed him.” He tossed the football up in the air. “Anyhow, he’s a total loser. I don’t like him any more. You should come up.”
--
Joshima felt like his life was over. His beautiful Gussan, his best friend Taichi. None of it made sense any more! He walked around the room angrily, knocking over dressers and televisions and things that the management would probably make him pay for later. But he didn’t care. He was heartbroken.
Gussan had left the dress on the floor, and Joshima sat down on it, crying. “That guy’s name is Tatsu-chan!” He sniffed. “Also known as Konguuuu. Waaaaah, Gussan!”
He couldn’t take any more of this! Without Gussan, TOKIO couldn’t be TOKIO. He dug through one of the cabinets, finding a gun.
“How did this get here? Oh well!”
He pointed it at his head and with one last thought of his beautiful Tatsuya, he pulled the trigger.
--
When Taichi and Gussan got there, Nagase was cradling Leader’s body in his arms and screaming.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“What happened?” Gussan asked, flexing a beautiful bicep.
“He’s dead!” Nagase declared, and Taichi gasped.
“Are you serious?!”
They noticed the gun on the floor, and they all started crying. Taichi felt horrible - so very guilty. How could they have let Leader do this to himself? He shoved Gussan. “This is all your fault, trollop.”
Gussan sighed, picking up the pistol from the ground and pointing it at his own head. Taichi nearly fainted as Gussan pulled the trigger, but instead of Tatsuya’s head disappearing, a bead of water trickled down his face. It was a water gun.
Nagase calmed down. “Wait…he’s just asleep?”
“He’s getting old, you know,” Taichi noted.
“This ending’s kind of unexpected,” Gussan said.
“Yeah,” Nagase said.
“Oh well.”