For Me, You'll Always Be 18
Title: For Me, You’ll Always Be 18
Pairing/Main character(s): Jongin, Kyungsoo, cameos by various other idols
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6.2k, One shot + Epilogue
Warning(s):[click to open]
Summary: Back in high school, Kyungsoo dared to cross a line. A decade later, Jongin’s ready to hit rewind.
Author's Note: The initial idea for this fic was born from my sorrowful interpretation of the song “Dancin’ Away With My Heart” by Lady Antebellum. The title is borrowed directly from the chorus. I encourage you to give the song a listen after reading the fic if you’re not familiar with it! Thank you to V for beta’ing!
I haven’t seen you in ages
Sometimes I find myself
Wondering where you are
For me, you’ll always be 18
And beautiful
And dancing away with my heart
Jongin tries to block out the music seeping through the bus’s speaker system. He’s exhausted and wishes he could get from work to the grocery store in peace without being subjected to sappy songs about past love. He’s not here to feel - he just wants to get something simple to eat and knows there’s nothing in the pantry of his tiny, studio apartment with bare furnishings and still unpacked moving boxes. It’s been a typical day at his monotonous job, which is to say that it felt longer than the actual 8 hours he spent scouring the budget lines in preparation for the company’s next audit. Meaningless numbers in meaningless spreadsheets, all for a meaningless company that does nothing but move rich people’s money around to make them more money. Man, Jongin hates accounting.
Absentmindedly, he loosens his tie and undoes his dress shirt’s top button in reaction to the suffocating heat in the summer air. The MTA bus lurches to a stop in front of the grocery a few miles from his new place. He just moved out to Queens after growing disgusted with Manhattan and the inability to even breathe without being in someone else’s space. He scrambles off the bus, almost getting hit by the door on his way out, and drags himself through the store entrance. He heads straight to the boxed meals, aka the bachelor food aisle, and snags a handful of sad looking macaroni and cheese options that are pathetically dressed up as ‘healthy’ due to a minute sprinkling of ‘real broccoli bits’ mixed in with the artificial, powdered cheese. Whatever - it’ll do.
Because he’s feeling particularly depressed today, he decides to treat himself to a bag of mini-marshmallows. Pure sugar to drown his sorrows sounds more appealing than alcohol (and significantly more so when considering how little is currently sitting in his bank account after the move). As he wanders into the baking aisle to find the promising little white puffs, he notices a man inspecting the options for whole wheat flour and stops to stare at his beautiful side profile.
The strong, dark eyebrows. The gentle slope of his nose. The pristine, pale skin. The full lips that are softly murmuring as the man thinks aloud to himself.
Jongin halts his steps, freezing in place as he absorbs the sight. It can’t be…
And then, the man turns his eyes to Jongin, the roundest orbs colored a dazzling mix of cinnamon stirred in with dark coffee, and Jongin’s breath hitches. It is him. It’s Kyungsoo.
~~~~~Flashback~~~~~
It was the tail end of his junior year of high school. Jongin had just finished getting out of yet another one month relationship with some forgettable girl. His good looks and affable nature meant every female within two grade levels of him whispered as he walked the halls. He was accustomed to the attention, although uncomfortable with the reputation he had unfairly gathered. Not once had he pursued a girl; they just flocked to him. When approached, he usually agreed to date them. He tried, he did, but no one ever held his interest for long. After a few dates, he would break it off. Despite being a perfect gentleman, after close to a dozen such encounters, he had been branded a playboy. Just as well: he decided he’d had enough of dating since each insipid girl seemed just as unenticing as the last.
Prom was fast-approaching, but under the circumstances, he considered not going at all. His friends, however, seemed to think this was unacceptable and wound up getting him to agree to go with them together in a group rather than as true couples. His best friend, Kyungsoo, had been asked several weeks back by their buddy Amber, who conveniently had a new friend Krystal who just moved into town and needed an informal date as well. With a little prodding from his favorite hyung, Jongin found himself in the middle of the local formalwear shop getting measured for a tux.
“It’ll be fun, Jongin. It’s not every day we get our parents’ blessings to actually spend a little money on a nice dinner and such.” Kyungsoo smiled up at him while the tailor wrapped the tape measure around Jongin’s neck to ensure the right collar size for his shirt.
“True.” Money was always tight in their lower middle class families in rural Kentucky. “But in exchange, we have to look like stiff penguins for 4 hours,” Jongin whined. Kyungsoo chuckled in response. Jongin loved how his hyung’s laugh always came out in a low rumble that was just loud enough for him to hear, like a whisper carried on a warm summer breeze.
The other shop worker interrupted them by summoning Kyungsoo into a dressing room to try on a tux that ought to fit him. Jongin suddenly felt cold and uncomfortable up on the pedestal in the main room, being examined from head to toe by the tailor and his cheap paper measuring tape, without his best friend’s reassuring smile at his side.
“Well, young man, I think we’re going to have to ship something in for you. Your arms are a tad too long for any of the jackets we have in stock. We’ll call you when it comes in, okay?” the tailor explained.
He nodded in acknowledgement of his lean, lanky frame as Kyungsoo emerged from the dressing room decked out in a classic black and white tuxedo.
“What do you think?” the older boy asked shyly, putting his arms out to the side with a little flap. Not unlike a penguin, actually.
Jongin grinned broadly and suppressed a giggle. His best friend looked adorable. “You look great, Soo.”
“Yeah?” the shorter male asked with a blush, and Jongin felt that odd twinge in his chest, one he only ever noticed when Kyungsoo was looking at him like that, face full of hope and eager adoration that left Jongin feeling confused. They had been best friends for years already, so he couldn’t understand why Kyungsoo had these moments of vulnerability… like he was seeking some kind of approval that he had yet to really get from Jongin.
Prom night arrived, and they had a blast over dinner at the one expensive, yet not that nice, restaurant in town. (It’s hard to be picky when your small town only had a handful of restaurants that weren’t fast food chains.) While some fancier high schools closer to Louisville had their proms at swanky hotels, their simple prom was a smaller affair held in their school’s gym. The PTA did their best to dress it up though, with gaudy paper streamers and homemade crafts hanging from the ceilings. It was a celestial theme that year, with moons and stars and way too much glitter.
A local band played songs that were mostly 10 years old, but none of them cared. Jongin could tell some enterprising student had successfully spiked the “space punch” somehow without drawing the attention of the teacher chaperones (or perhaps they knew but couldn’t find it in themselves to care). After a few cups of the bubbly punch, everyone was loose enough to dance so Jongin wasn’t alone cutting a rug for once. Even Kyungsoo had gotten bold and done a pretty good Michael Jackson number when the band had struck up “Billy Jean.” Jongin had cheered the loudest, laughing as the older boy had accepted a hat thrown into the dance circle out of nowhere and incorporated it into his impromptu routine. Halfway through the song, Kyungsoo grabbed the taller boy by his suit lapels and dragged him into the spotlight. “Where you belong,” he had whispered with a gummy, heart-shaped smile that blinded Jongin for a minute. (Or maybe it was just the spotlight in his eyes.) Kyungsoo placed the hat on the younger’s head fondly before stepping back into the gathered crowd to watch Jongin work his magic. And so he danced, feeling his best friend’s gaze on him even through the energy of the other spectators, who seemed so far away compared to the petite boy with those big, beautiful eyes.
A few hours later, the punch had long since run out and the night was winding down. Amber and Krystal were on one of those long trips to the bathroom that girls tend to take. Jongin and Kyungsoo waited for them out in the hallway, noise of the gym seeping out in the corridor in a muffled haze, allowing them to still talk with ease over the volume of the music.
“Laaaasssst dance, it’s the last dance already, ladies and gents!” the band leader announced. “Seniors, grab that special someone, because it’s all coming to a close.”
Leaning against the wall and staring at the floor, Jongin felt Kyungsoo give a light kick to his left shoe. When he met the older’s gaze, he saw something… different. A slightly nervous flicker in Kyungsoo’s eyes that disappeared as he licked his bottom lip once before looking resolute in some internal decision he had just made.
“What do you say, Jongin? Would you dance with me?”
The taller boy scoffed a little, before he realized it wasn’t a joke. He tilted his head in light confusion. “Us? But it’s a slow song,” he said, jerking his thumb toward the music emanating out of the gym door cracked open behind them.
“Yeah, I know. But it’s my very last high school dance,” Kyungsoo said with an uncharacteristic heaviness to his words, his face determined and eyes unblinking as they bored into his. Jongin felt his heart rate shoot up, and he was sure his discomfort was showing. He swallowed, hard, as he debated whether or not to accept.
“Look, I’ll be the girl if that’s what you’re worried about,” Kyungsoo said with a roll of his eyes, seemingly trying to lighten the atmosphere. And it worked. Jongin laughed and ended up nodding in agreement.
Kyungsoo reached up first, loosely settling his hands around the taller boy’s neck as Jongin looped his arms around the shorter boy’s slender waist. His fingers initially trembled, but gradually eased into Kyungsoo’s back, somehow comforted by the sure grip of the elder’s hands on his neck. As they swayed there in the hallway, Jongin thought it was a little awkward and yet… not. He could smell the familiar scent of Kyungsoo’s cologne, feel how warm the boy was in his arms, and all the wonderful memories he had of them over the years flooded his mind. Stargazing while lying beside the creek in the woods. Curling up together on the couch to watch movies. Discussing baseball lazily on the front porch swing. Although slow dancing together was new, it wasn’t unlike all those other familiar experiences: as always, Jongin was struck by how comfortable he was with the elder, how uniquely peaceful it felt just to be around him.
Kyungsoo tilted his chin up to rest on Jongin’s shoulder, bringing his mouth closer to the taller boy’s ear as if to disclose a secret meant only for him. “I’m going to miss this in a few months. When I’m off to college, you know.”
Kyungsoo’s breath tickled the small hairs along Jongin’s neck and sent shivers down his spine. He gulped before replying, “You’ll still come back home for breaks, though. We’ll still be friends, right, Soo?”
The older boy didn’t respond. They swayed and swayed, Kyungsoo leaving his chin there on Jongin’s shoulder even though he didn’t seem to have anything else to say. The contact didn’t bother Jongin; he relished that weight on his shoulder for some reason, feeling anchored by it as he tried to not to think about how his best friend was going all the way to NYU, 12 hours away, when they had only lived 5 minutes from each other since they’d become inseparable back in middle school.
Unsettled by Kyungsoo’s lack of response to his previous question about staying friends, Jongin found himself pleading again for reassurance as the song dwindled down to its end, unable to keep the needy words from slipping out. “You have to come back at least every once in a while, Soo. You’re going to miss me, aren’t you?”
Kyungsoo slid his chin slowly off Jongin’s shoulder, his nose ever-so-lightly grazing the taller boy’s cheek, as he turned to look up at him. Jongin looked back with puppy dog eyes, begging for an answer. He stared into those gorgeous, coffee and cinnamon swirled irises so full of mystery as Kyungsoo scanned his face with an unreadable expression. Then slowly, ever so slowly, Kyungsoo leaned in, dark lashes fluttering closed. And Jongin had the chance to move.
But he didn’t. He stood there and let the shorter press his lips onto his, in the softest way, causing him to shudder down to his core. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but it had every cell inside him trembling with an unknown ferocity. It was unlike any of the kisses he’d ever shared with his countless ex-girlfriends, and it scared the absolute shit out of him. Reflexively, he shoved the smaller boy away from him with an assertive push that had Kyungsoo stumbling backward a step or two.
“What… what are you doing,” Jongin asked, wide-eyed and terrified. Of his body’s foreign reaction. Of who might have seen them. Of what this meant about him. He had always wanted what everyone in this town wanted, right? To get a good job, marry a nice girl, have a bunch of kids. So how the hell did he just end up kissing his best friend?
“I’m sorry,” Kyungsoo murmured, retreating further backward, slowly, reluctantly.
A brief flash of agony etched itself into the elder’s twisted frown and scrunched eyebrows. The vision sent a jarring shock through Jongin’s swirling confusion and fear. It was unbearable, knowing he caused such pain to this boy that meant so much to him. Suddenly, nothing mattered other than erasing that anguish. But before Jongin could reach out and try to fix it, the hurt in Kyungsoo’s countenance was gone, dissipating into a calm look of resignation.
“Just once, I needed to…” the older boy started but stopped, teeth sinking into his thick lower lip as though biting back dangerous words. “I’ll miss you, Jongin,” he said instead.
But it sounded so wrong, and Jongin knew right then-that nothing was ever going to be the same. Kyungsoo wasn’t talking about missing him a few months from now when he would be out of state, a thousand miles away at college - he meant he’d miss him, he’d miss them, from this moment forward. Nothing was ever going to be the same. Because he had stepped over a line, and they both knew it.
~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~
“Jongin? Kim Jongin, is that you?” The man’s voice is deeper, but the gentle tone is all-too-familiar, his name rolling off Kyungsoo’s tongue as perfectly as Jongin had remembered it.
The sound snaps him out of his memories and back to the present, in the baking aisle with powdered sugar and boxes of brownie mix. He blinks twice as Kyungsoo’s mouth pulls into that perfect heart-shaped smile.
Jongin reminds himself to breathe. “Yeah, wow, Do Kyungsoo? Long time no see. Has it been, gosh, 8… 9 years? I can’t recall.”
Lies. It’s been 10, and he knows it because he has lived with regret every single one of those years. He feels his throat go dry, as parched as it always is when he wakes up from his recurrent nightmare, voice trying to claw out of his throat and scream Kyungsoo’s name as the boy in the sharply dressed tuxedo walks away down the high school’s corridor with a melancholic smile and disappears out into the night. They had never spoken again.
“Yeah, something like that,” Kyungsoo says with a wistful look. The man dons linen dress pants and a vivid blue dress shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. No tie, top button open revealing a hint of strong collarbones. His daintier features have matured with age in the most manly of ways. His angles are more defined: jaw sharper, shoulders broader than in Jongin’s memories. The full force of puberty apparently didn’t hit Kyungsoo until his college years. Jongin knows his roving eyes are probably inappropriate, and he tries not to stare, focus resettling on Kyungsoo’s mouth as it forms the next question: “How’ve you been?”
“Good, good,” Jongin lies twice, as though it’ll sound more convincing if repeated. “I went to UK for college, like half our high school graduating class always does,” he says self-deprecatingly.
Kyungsoo chuckles, and the low, dulcet sound reminds Jongin of wooden wind chimes clinking in the country wind as they rode bikes around their neighborhood. “You say that like it’s a bad school. There’s nothing wrong with UK, Jongin.”
“Yeah, but it’s no NYU. I always… I always admired you for being brave enough to really get out there. To do something different.” Jongin rubs the back of his neck, feeling a little shy about how quickly he’s started gushing over the older. “Did you, uh, did you end up majoring in voice like you’d wanted to?”
Kyungsoo’s mouth forms a cute little O in shock, but he quickly recovers with an easy smile as Jongin internally slaps himself for giving away how much he remembers the elder’s plans and passions. “No, no I’m afraid I got a tad more practical,” he says with a wink. “Just a tad, though. I did music business, instead. I negotiate deals between venues and musical productions for tours instead of starring in them. It’s just enough of the flash and pizazz of the industry to keep me satisfied. What about you?”
“Accounting,” Jongin says with a light grumble.
Kyungsoo hums knowingly. “Ah, just like your dad wanted you to.”
Jongin can’t help the grin that spreads across his face, knowing that Kyungsoo apparently also remembered some of the finer details of his life right where they left off.
“I hope you at least experimented around a little before settling into that expectation,” Kyungsoo says in a teasing tone.
Jongin tries to laugh, but it comes out stilted. The truth is, Jongin did experiment… in coursework and relationships. When it came to his major, his flirtation with other options was brief, before conforming to his parents’ standards. He can’t say he really regrets settling into accounting since dance classes in college sucked all the fun out of that passion. But when it came to experimenting in relationships… that one night with Taemin... after they’d had too much to drink at a random frat party junior year… that he regretted. It felt wrong, lying there skin to skin, roving hands in places Jongin had never been touched before. Not wrong because it was his virginity or because it was with a guy, he’d realized the morning after. Wrong because it wasn’t Kyungsoo. It should’ve been Kyungsoo…
With a jerk, he shakes himself back to the current conversation. “I tested out a few options first before settling into the safe route. It’s not so bad. I’m highly employable, anyway. And I did move out here to New York, so at least I broke the mold there,” he says with a smile.
His parents had questioned that, too. “Why move all the way up there when you could work in Louisville if you want a big city?” He’s not sure how he ignored them without a good excuse, but some inner seed of rebellion knew he needed to get out of Kentucky. Maybe he chose New York because deep down he’d always hoped that this unlikely occurrence, this little miracle here in a nondescript grocery store, in a city of 8 million people, might happen. It had been too long of a shot to even allow himself to think about it directly, to feed an impossible dream of pale skin and large eyes and second chances. Yet here he was, Kyungsoo in the flesh, standing before him with the same reassuring smile the elder had always given him. With each passing moment, it feels like the elder is breathing in the anxiety surrounding Jongin and exhaling that peaceful calm that they had always had around them. Hope bubbles up in Jongin. Maybe… maybe this is fate.
Kyungsoo runs his fingers through his ebony hair, swiping away the longer pieces in front of his eyes, before cocking his head to the side to inquire, “Do you go back to Kentucky often? I haven’t been back at all, because my parents moved, you know.”
Jongin purses his lips. Oh he knows. He spent the first two weeks of that summer after prom waiting, hoping that Kyungsoo would be the one to reach out to him so they could act like nothing had ever happened. But once he accepted the reality that the ball was in his court and made the short drive to Kyungsoo’s place, all that greeted him was an empty house and a “SOLD” sign in the front yard. Apparently, the business Mr. Do worked for had a Western Region director position suddenly open up, and the family had packed up for California in a blur, leaving Jongin with nothing but regrets for company on the dusty front porch as he rang the doorbell fruitlessly for half an hour in depressed disbelief.
He pushes these thoughts aside and infuses a lightness in his response. “Meh, I usually only go back to Kentucky once a year to see my folks. I’ve been really trying to make this my new home now,” Jongin answers.
Several other shoppers are bustling their way through the baking aisle now, causing both him and Kyungsoo to apologize and stand as close to the shelves as possible to let the crowds pass by. Jongin’s eyes flicker back and forth across the buzzing mess of people around them as he tries to come up with a casual invitation to move their reunion to a more comfortable, private location. Butterflies rise up inside him as he takes the plunge and offers, “Hey would you maybe want to grab coff-“
An excited shriek interrupts Jongin. Racing around the far corner by the marshmallows, the long forgotten reason for Jongin to be here in the first place, is a little girl of about four years of age, decked out in a purple sundress and carrying a candy stick shaped like a magic wand.
“Papa!” she chimes, waving the candy stick enthusiastically and racing down the aisle, weaving her way through several customers. “Papa, isn’t this the most beautiful princess wand you’ve ever seen?? And it’s egible, too!”
Jongin prepares to dodge out of her way, but she stops before reaching him. Kyungsoo squats down to be on the same level as the little girl, chuckling fondly as she tugs on his arm. Jongin’s heart swells and breaks as the realization hits that of all the men currently wandering in the aisle, the girl is calling for Kyungsoo. “You mean ‘edible,’ YooA. It’s edible, too.”
The preschooler pouts and attempts to make her full lips comply. “E… Edible,” she says.
“Very good, sugar,” Kyungsoo beams at her. He pets her hair affectionately as he stands back up to address Jongin again.
“Who’s that, papa?” the girl looks up at Jongin with big round eyes, and, honestly, the resemblance is downright uncanny.
“This is an old friend of mine. Not just any friend either - he was my best friend,” Kyungsoo says with a warm smile, and Jongin’s insides contort with pain. “His name is Jongin.”
“Nice to meet you,” he says as he plasters on a weak smile.
YooA gives a hesitant hello and blushes slightly before turning back to her dad. “Can I have it, papa? Please?” she begs, clutching the candy wand to her heart.
“Oh, I think so, sugar. Why don’t you let me finish talking with my friend here and then we can check out, okay?” YooA nods happily and peruses the various bags of chocolate chips and sprinkles for sale in the rack behind them.
“Sorry about the interruption. You were saying?” Kyungsoo asks politely.
Jongin forces another tight smile. Well. At least he was saved some humiliation here before his pitch for a date. Perhaps the interest in men had all been just a phase for Kyungsoo… a youthful testing of boundaries. The irony is not lost on him, how he’d been so terrified to step out of their hometown’s prescribed lines of propriety until later, near the end of college, and now knew he was gay. Kyungsoo had been willing to experiment earlier in his youth, it seemed, but now had circled back…
Jongin clears his throat. “Nothing. Nothing important. Your daughter is beautiful. She looks just like you.”
As the words fly out of his mouth, Jongin belatedly realizes he just announced to the world that he thinks Kyungsoo is beautiful, but before he can be embarrassed about it, the elder is chuckling with a twinkle in his eye.
“You know, it’s funny. You’re actually not the first to say that,” he says with a mischievous quirk of his eyebrow.
Jongin frowns a little in confusion, not catching on to why this is amusing, when a tall, handsome male rounds the corner and enters the aisle.
“Daddy! Papa said I could have it. I explained how it was edi---edible and he said I could have it, so can I please?” YooA coos.
“Soo,” complains the newcomer, “I’d already said no because she had jelly beans earlier today. You spoil her so much,” he tsks, pinching Kyungsoo’s cheek as they share affectionate grins with one another.
“Hongbin,” Kyungsoo fusses as he playfully swats the man’s hand away, "it's just one candy indulgence." The glint of a wedding band on one of Hongbin’s retreating fingers catches Jongin’s eye and his gaze immediately drifts to Kyungsoo’s left hand, noticing for the first time a silver band around his ring finger. A perfect match.
Oh. Oh. The pillars of hope that had been building inside Jongin are crumbling down, and it’s only a matter of time before it’s going to reflect on his outsides. So this would have been possible with Kyungsoo after all: marriage, children. If he’d only had the courage-if he’d been willing to try, this might have been his life.
He’s got to escape before the full force of the emotional tidal wave hits him.
“You’re busy. I’ll get out of your way,” Jongin excuses.
“What? No, we’re just doing our weekly grocery trip. It’s fine,” Kyungsoo reaches out to grab his hand but stops short, careful not to actually touch him. The elder pulls back, growing nervous at Jongin’s paling complexion and scanning the younger with apprehension for signs of disapproval. Jongin doesn’t notice this because his mind is hung up, not on his hyung’s sexuality, but on Kyungsoo’s mundane words.
Just their weekly grocery trip. Just their routine family life, filled with love and parenting and normalcy and Kyungsoo’s easy smile that he’s known since seven years ago is all he’s ever really wanted…
“It was nice to see you again, Soo-Kyungsoo,” Jongin corrects himself, almost tripping backwards as he tries to turn around and head for the door. On a vacant shelf, he quickly sets down the boxes of macaroni and cheese, too desperate to get away from the scene to stop at the front and pay.
“Jongin, wait,” Kyungsoo calls softly. The macaroni and cheese boxes topple over as Jongin startles from the sound of his hyung’s gentle plea, and he abandons them on the bare rack, unable to prop them back up as his feet start moving faster on their own accord. Before he even reaches the store’s front door, Jongin’s long legs are loping near top speed.
He darts right past the bus stop and keeps on running. His tears stream down and mix with his sweat as he sprints faster, presses harder to put distance between himself and the man of his dreams, the boy he lost all those years ago. Jongin runs as though he could race backward in time, back to his junior prom, back to that pivotal moment, back to his one chance at happiness…
As an MTA bus roars past him in the opposite direction, drowning out his sobs, the music from earlier replays in his mind:
For me, you’ll always be 18
And beautiful…
And dancing… away with my heart
EPILOGUE >
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A/N:
Why Hongbin? Because of this gif set from 2014:
They almost look like they're dancing away with poor Nini's heart, right?
Let's not forget this sad puppy face:
This was originally published in the No Happy Ending fic fest, which um required a sad ending. :( I wanted to try to tell a story in non-chronolgical order while maintaining its emotional integrity, so this was an experiment for that? Hope it still successfully made you feel. Kudos/comments always appreciated: talk with me in the comments, I always reply.
EPILOGUE (Added on 1/8/2017) >