He sounds like he's missing something or someone that he knows he can't have now - and if he isn't I certainly am.
Scene: System and Squeak come to see Ataxia, in quiet repose on the abandoned J.G. Ballard Memorial Freeway.
Ataxia rolls her fingers as she rests on the windshield of a broken automobile, her fingers rolling lightly before her. Her clothes are folded to her side as she coos.. "Bah-du-bah bau-du-bah, i-deco i-deco, un-da-se, un-du-se la, twa de fer. I-le-I-lu-ishus se-de-a. Nu-bon no I con-tru mon le play. E-no-non la mon-cha be-sair, oh-che-to-sey-to-cher, me-te-mont. Bah-du-bah bau-du-bah, bah-du-bah bau-du-bah, twa de fer.." The words come as song, and it almost sounds like French in pronunciation. However, it is seemingly not a real language.
System glances towards Ataxia, arching up (his) eyebrows. "Ataxia..?"
"D" has arrived.
"D" scrambles up the ladder, and heads toward the three of you at a brisk jog, her heavy boots clomping noisily on the cracked old pavement. "Thought you were gonna wait on me," she huffs, grinning at System.
System shakes (his) head. "I did not say I would, and I did not wish to remain in Charm."
"D" hehs. "Gotta disagree with ya there, champ," she replies. "I said I'd meet you outside as soon as I finished up, and you said, and I quote, 'acknowledged'." She shrugs on one side. "Miscommunication, maybe. Guess it doesn't really matter." She seems curiously unconcerned at Ataxia's unusual behavior.
Squeak squeaks excitedly at the mention of Charm, even though the singing has him all befuddled.
System chuckles. "Ah, yes. I had been responding to your request to be given a moment with Theeka."
Ataxia is not totally unaware of having company. Perhaps one day she'll find a desolate spot that's less popular. She lays back slowly, the broken glass of the windshield bending in as she rests, her head turning enough to watch with dull blue eyes, the jackal quiet.
System glances towards Ataxia. "What is your status, love?"
"D" ahs. "My bad," she answers simply. She gives herself a quiet moment to examine System, then wrfs, coolly, "It's true what she said about the roses, y'know. I know how you feel about their trustworthiness, and I ain't really drinkin' their joy-juice philosophy, on a personal level." Shrug. "But there ain't a doubt in my mind on this. Enough to borrow one and do a low-level analysis, if it'll settle your mind any."
Ataxia smiles faintly.. "Spent." she responds, her shoulders shrugging up lightly.
System states quietly, "They've already been taken by others, in any event. I shall not take them away from those who have claimed them. That would be wrong."
System smiles quietly to Ataxia, walking over to reach and squeeze her shoulder. "I am here for you if you desire, love."
Ataxia's head falls back as she smiles faintly.. "I know.." she responds, her tailtip flicking slowly, simply.
Then..
"D" nods. "I just don't want you to worry more'n you have to. In fact, while I'm at it..." She smiles softly at the once-probe. "You don't have to worry about them comin' after you. Not about this, anyway. The roses were...a prank, yeah? They've made the point they wanted, however you feel about it, and they aren't looking to give you any more shit about it. Or Ataxia."
"D"'s head swivels slowly to lock eyes on the jackal, her gaze focused, yet gentle. "Hey...Ataxia?"
Ataxia's dull blue eyes trail to D, the blackness below them gently wisping. She remains silent, but its implicit that she accepts the verbal contact..
"D"'s expression remains fairly neutral; her eyes are sympathetic, but a smile, at this moment, seems...too intimate, somehow. "Can I talk to you sometime? I'm not asking now. Whenever you feel up to it." She looks down a bit, and a few degrees to one side as a smile creeps into one corner of her muzzle, avoiding directing it directly at the jackal. "I don't want to talk you into anything, out of anything, or bring you down. I just..." She sighs a little. "I just came bulling into your personal life like a brakeless train this last [day] or so, and I didn't mean for it to be that way. Things..." She closes her eyes, a note of regret creeping into her voice. "Happened kinda fast. Maybe for the best, but I feel like I owe you an apology, or at least an explanation."
Ataxia's lips curl into a faint smile.. "I have no idea what you're talking about.." she trails, her fingers slowly tapping along the car to either side of her.. "But I'm convinced that what free will I've had before is in jeopardy.. by people who want to do the same thing to me that I did to Lupe, and protect me beyond my own will.." she continues.. and laughs.. "Not that it matters.." she continues, swinging slowly, her legs coming over the edge as she stands before D.. "I can't let myself care about it.. It hurts too much.." she coos, leaning forward slowly.. "But I can't help it. Despite knowing the helplessness of this, my own thoughts extrapolated and brought to conclusions for me.. well, why should I care, if I never have the chance? But I can't help it, and I do, and it hurts, like everything else." she continues, turning to the side, never really letting D or anyone else speak.. "The only thing I want is those I care for to let me know they're there for me if I ask, not to advise me.. Let me come to my own damn conclusions, once.." she trails, the blackness trickling down either side of her muzzle.
System nods quietly. "I will be there for you, Ataxia. Always."
System states quietly, "Do you wish me to give you privacy for now, love?"
"D" closes her eyes. "I didn't want that," she whispers. "Ever since I met Lupe, and heard about what happened...I never wanted to draw a map for you, kiddo. I don't know if you can believe me now, but I promise you it's true. All I ever wanted, since all this shit came out...was for you to have the chance to find your own way, to make your own call about your own will before someone made it for you. That's all. Nothing more. But..." Her shoulders slump a bit, and her eyebrows curve sadly above those lidded eyes. "You've been hurting so much, and I guess I'm making you hurt more."
Ataxia's blackness drips from her muzzle, pooling on the ground.. "Up until now, I have been an experiment of my own control.. It didn't involve any of you.. I don't begin to imagine you know what I'm talking about, even, except that now I can feel violated, and I wonder if I'm ruined by losing control over my own life.. What on Puzzlebox do you think you're saving me from but myself?" she continues, a soft growl rising from her muzzle.."And I'm supposed to be thankful for losing my will to these feelings, or being protected from my own progression.. Don't you realize, that's my very design?" she trails.. "I'm not angry at you, D.. Not as an individual.. I'm angry I can be hurt like this.." she growls, outright. "But you're right.. It does hurt more to hear all this.." she continues, her fingers clenching lightly against her hands. "And its not your fault, at the same time.. Don't feel hurt by me.. Please, don't be concerned about me.. Don't cry for me, you'll only make me cry too.." she continues, and begins to walk off, to the stairs once more.
"D" shakes her head slowly. "I don't think you quite get where I'm coming from, hon, and maybe that's my fault. I'm springing a lot on you, and I'm not doing too great a job of it." She listens, nodding, "But yeah, now isn't the time. Maybe it never will be the time...ain't for me to say." As the jackal turns to leave, the collie finally allows herself a real, directed smile. "So I'm making my request an offer, OK? If you do want to talk sometime, call me. I'm always wired. If you don't..."
"D" shrugs. "I'll call it my loss and move on. Square?"
System smiles over to D. "By the way, D. Thank you, for being willing to help Ataxia."
"D" shakes her head slightly. "I haven't done anything."
System smiles. "But you are willing to help, and will offer it when you can. You are a friend."
Ataxia looks quietly down.. "I am not of a good mind for much right now, D. Please, don't take anything harshly.." she responds, taking a quiet breath.. "I can't talk to you on the wires, they all break around me, but if I want to.. I will talk to you about all these things regarding my life. But don't take away my own choice.. that's all.. If you want to be more casual ever.. I'm always open to that.." she nods softly.
(Ataxia Leaves)
D shakes her head again. "Only as far as I'm wanted for one," she answers System. Her attention returns to Ataxia, the collie giving her a long, almost mournful look. "Do you really think I would?" she whispers, too late to be heard, as the jackal descends the stairs. Perhaps it's just as well; D couldn't quite keep the hurt out of her voice...
------
Later, in the Mind Electric, Ataxia returns to Lupe, who she spent the last night with. The gift to System is returned.
Lupe is resting quietly in the booth where she sat the night previous, having more or less slept next to you just to make sure nothing untoward happened. She salutes you with a raise of her glass, and a nod of her head. "Hello there."
Ataxia walks back over to the booth quietly, coming to sit across from you. It takes a moment, but she smiles faintly.. "I slept.. better. Did you sleep well..?" she asks, her tail curling over her lap. Oddly, she's stark naked.
Lupe watches you make your way over to sit, though she has the good grace not to comment on your unclothed form. Save for a small quirk up of one edge of her muzzle. "About as well as could be expected, actually. Had a nice talk with D after you went to sleep."
Ataxia shakes her head quietly.. "I know.. I think I hurt D, today.." she whispers, looking slowly down to her hands.. "Even though.. she had tried to help me.. And that's what I hurt her over.." she nods slowly..
Lupe perks both those ears up over the admission... She sets the glass on the table before her, abandoning the pitcher of liquid calm for something more important. And though she ralizes her lap is still somewhat sore from the disordering it took the night previous, she pats it now again. "Want to talk about it?"
System wanders in..
System bows deeply. "Greetings, love, Lupe. What is your status?"
Ataxia smiles faintly as she looks up to you, her dull blue eyes made sharp by the darkness welled below.. "I.." she trails, turning to see System enter, and loosing all of her words. Her eyes just fall down after, and she slumps back in her seat.
System makes (his) way over to your table, smiling happily. "May I join you?"
Lupe was leaning forward, perhaps to hear something from someone who was about to impart some rather sensitive information. That's why when that shy flower of a jackal shuts back up again, she turns a wry smirk to the arriving System. "I'm doing well enough. Imppecable timing, as always."
Ataxia looks a little back up, nodding softly.. "Of course.." she coos, her arms pushing back on the table a little to straighten her up.
System settles down gratefully next to the jackal, wrapping (his) arm affectionately around her shoulders. "It is good to see both of you..."
Ataxia's tail slowly twines around System's waist, curling all the way to the other side in response.
System settles (his) briefcase on the table.
System leans against Ataxia. "I was curious as to why you gave me that part of yourself, Ataxia. I do not understand why..."
Ataxia looks to System with a twinge of pain in her eyes.. "Do you find no value in it?.." she whispers, quietly.
Lupe quietly watches, as she's not quite sure what she's overhearing, but she can pretty much tell when there's a sandbag falling towards her cranium.
System shakes (his) head. "I am grateful you trust me with it, but... is it not a part of you? You said you thought it would be better with me, and I am confused."
Ataxia shakes her head quietly.. "If its not obvious.. I'll have it back, then, love.." she whispers, simply looking down, dejectedly.
System's face creases with confusion and pain. "Am I hurting you? Please, I wish to understand. I do not wish to hurt you..."
System takes up the briefcase, cracking it open and pulling out the sphere of shadowsubstance.
Ataxia slowly shakes her head.. "No, no.. its not your fault.. I just can't figure things out on my end anymore, System. It will take.. time.. Just know that foolishly, meaning sometimes comes in such a way that would be broken by words. It doesn't matter now, but I'm not going to break it anyhow.."
Lupe keeps her muzzle shut and her eyes open; she's morbidly curious as to what is going on in front of her, but there's no real way to ask it in this point of time.
System hands the sphere back over to Ataxia, shaking (his) head slowly and looking sad.
Ataxia rolls her fingers at the sphere.. and quietly, it circles her, unable to enter her presently. "I didn't mean to hurt you, either, System.." she whispers, barely.
System leans over to kiss her cheek, squeezing tightly around her shoulders. "I love you..."
Ataxia lets her head fall slowly to System's shoulder, her eyes closed, deeply dark.. "Don't think I'll ever forget that you love me, System.. or that I love you.." she continues, her breathing careful, at the edge of emotion she desperately wants to keep in check. Its a fine balance.. "When I can tell you all I can.. I will tell you all I can.. Just know, I can't do everything I could before, not yet.."
-----
Once more, to the freeway, with Lupe.
Ataxia walks up with you quietly, her tail curling around your waist slowly.. "I'm sorry if I put you through a lot, Lupe.." she offers, smiling faintly. "I don't want to cause you any trouble or pain, either."
Lupe pads along beside you, quietly watching the differing scenery flicker by while she thinks. Your tail wrapping about her waist is a welcome bit of distraction from her own thoughts, though, which is why she offers you a little cackle-murr and a kiss on your shoulder. "Nothing I won't survive, hon."
Ataxia smiles warmly for a moment, her tail pulling a little tighter as she breathes in slowly, and sighs out.. "I can't quite go on like this, you know.. I hurt D, I hurt System, and it all hurts me, too.." she nods softly, her hand holding yours comfortably as she walks with you, utterly naked still.
Lupe isn't minding the nakedness one bit, though she can feel the old flames coming back from within her held paw. Ohwell. Those fingers curl about, clasping your paw to hers, while she tilts her head slightly. "Perhaps you should back up a moment. How did you hurt D and System?"
Ataxia's tailtip flicks at your far side as the whole appendage remains curled yet.. She turns a little, cupping her hand over yours as she holds it with the first.. "I.. They've been out, the both of them.. Trying to.. save me, from myself, and from everyone else.." she offers, her ears back.. "They're doing it out of love for me.. I know.." she sighs softly.. "But.. like with you, they never asked me what I thought about anything.. I don't know what they've done, I don't want to hear it even.. I just want my own free will, like I had before, and they're taking it from me, and these fears are taking it from me.. and I find I can't do anything. I could say anything, any time before.. But so many things clamped my mouth shut back there.. you saw it.." she nods softly.. "Right?.."
Lupe holds up her other paw to brush along your forearm while you speak; to hear you tell it, things are much more bleak than she'd say they are. So, when you finish with that utterance of 'Right?', the 'yena merely leans over to place a deliberate lick against your cheek. "Hon, shyness is just part of getting used to something new. It's self-doubt made manifest, and most important: it'll go away, with time and experience."
Ataxia nods softly, a foot slowly scuffing at the ground, knocking pebbles and debris around.. "I.. don't like being closed up, needing to be.. Shy.. its fear.. I've never had this self doubt.." she nods softly.. She strokes above your hand slowly.. "System.. he could have always had a piece of me around him.." she comments, looking up to the orbiting bit of her matter.. "And I could have saved him from worry, I thought.. He's always pained with worry.. That.." she trails, pointing to the orbiting sphere.. "Belongs inside of me, normally.. Its a copy of my original hand written backup override.. And, the most recent mental save state, whenever I've last touched it as a shadow.. and he couldn't figure out .. he wasn't even happy .. it just made him more concerned.." she shivers softly.. "I had to take it back from him.. which only could have hurt him more.. but it was more hurtful that he had it.. I shouldn't have had to say anything.." she nods softly, her tongue lulling behind her teeth.
Lupe leans up shoulder-to-shoulder, opting for the lazy sort of canine manner of getting some attention with one's own weight. "System had some stuff right, but others he has a very myopic view of. Hardly his fault, if he's acting the way he was designed." Her paw reaches out to try and touch the floating orb...
Ataxia leans in on your shoulder, her head lowering to it a bit as she looks to you. The orbiting sphere starts to properly cycle around both her and you, though slows when your fingers near it. It orders the things around her just like she does when she's like that.. its a little piece of her.. "He shouldn't have been worried about where I might end up.. I liked that being my own choice.." she murmurs softly, watching you. "And I don't blame him.. but.. that doesn't change it.."
Lupe smiles softly as an outstretched claw grazes over the floating spheroid. The lessening of the ache in her paw should be part of that, but also because she can nuzzle against the underside of your jaw. "Well, worry comes naturally to everyone, and usually it's for the nicest people that it comes out the most often." Behind her, she fans the air with her tail's wagging.
Ataxia's muzzle rubs down along the top of yours, her eyes closed. The sphere rests when touched, drifting towards the hand, drawn to it though not strongly. Her tail curls up and around your tail.. "Yes.." she responds quietly.. "Just like everyone.." she nods softly.. She looks out to you a bit, smiling faintly.. "But I'm not like everyone, Lupe.." she murmurs.. "I'm supposed to be.. free.." she continues, nodding softly. A soft whine rises in her jaw, but it fades as she brushes her nose along your forehead slowly.. "I.. can't think straight anymore.. Don't really want to worry or deal with anything right now.. Could I ask you.. a favor?.. Could you play your bell for me?.." she asks..
Lupe looks up at you with a small smile at the brush of muzzle to muzzle... Her paw curls about the sphere, holding it like others might hold a baseball, before she lets it drift past her fingerpads again. "Of course, hon..." Scarcely a thought goes out for the mental summons of her wall, which sprouts from the roadway beside her as it if always existed. A long, thin column of steel, one segment peels back to reveal a shallow cubby where the bell has been resting - and is lightly plucked out of its hiding place for a shake. *Ting...ting!* Little waves of happiness erupt from the crystal Doll heart.
Ataxia looks to your smile, to your eyes, the jackal slowly turning to curl her arms about you and stand at your side. She looks over, past you, to where your wall rises, all a she whispers.. "Thank you.. it didn't mean much to me before, but.." she trails, before the pluck draws the noise from the bell, and her lips draw back slowly, her body drawn tense at first, as if the whole sensation were alien.. Her tail trembles, twitches, and looses its grip on you as she sighs out, her lips curling up into a smile, her tail coming to wag, for a moment the jackal unable to speak, the experience a lot stronger than the smile it gave her before.
Lupe isn't immune to the effects, either - the light, airy peal of the bell has her giggling just because it feels nice to do so... Forgiven, forgotten! Right now she's too wrapped up in just enjoying the moment as one arm loosely hugs to your back, pulling your trembling form against her. She's not trying to overload your senses, or anything mean of that very nature - so the bell just gives off one peal. Lets the tone bounce and echo with the happiness it brings. And then strikes again only once the previous tone has faded off to silence.
Ataxia's mind is so tattered from the past few days that she doesn't even think of needing forgiveness right now. She's burnt herself out in a long torrent of newly discovered emotion, so much pain and fear that while she could still feel it, and even make a little sense of it at the end of this day, there is little left of the formed thought that goes with the emotion, that she enunciated before. The happiness of the bell is a shock to her system though.. Unlike the pain and hurt, it doesn't draw her down further, but lifts her up. She hasn't felt like it in some time.. or, perhaps, not at all.. But many of these fine details are lost to her doubly over right now - she just giggles happily, her eyes closing tight, the darkness below them slowly fading.. until she looks like she did before. She's tearing up a little, yes.. but she doesn't seem worse off for that. She slumps slowly before the next tone sets her hips swaying with the wag of her tail.. "A.. ahh.." she coos out, little genuine tears trailing down her muzzle as she smiles in release and relief.
Lupe, for her part, has a rather difficult time holding you up when you start to sag under her arm's soft touch. But is you're dropping to the ground, then so is she; just by letting one paw slip back, crouching upon one knee while she rests in front of you. Never does that giddy cackle stop from her, but part of that is herself, and part is the bell's influence. Crystal music continues to play in its slow, harmonic way, bringing you up a swift rise of happiness, and then a downward slide of amusement while the next wave rushes onward. Evidence of that can be found no further than the wildly-wagging 'yena-tail. As for the withdrawal of the heat? A welcome change, indeed! She was starting to feel like she were going to ignite under that touch and hug.
Ataxia is still warm to touch, pervadingly, but its not nearly so bad. The mental load on her system is gone, and the need to leech order from you dearly lessened.. She falls slowly with, the jackal light if tall, the girl only giggling more as she hears your cackle mixed giggles as well, her dull blue eyes opening, free from that worried blackness from before as she breathes in during the downturn of music.. then shudders with the next swift rise, her tail wagging, though its longer length keep it at a pace slower than yours. She falls to her knees, her arms pulling better around you, her head sliding down along your chest as the bare jackal laughs.. "O.. oh.. Thank you.." she whispers out, her arms drawing tighter on you.. She can't say anything more as she wells up in a giggle again, her ears growing more and more red as she looks up to you, smiling full and true to you.'
Lupe's eyes widen slightly when she feels you lean in to graze over her thick neck in such a genteel way... Granted, like most of her kinda, a certain kind of rangy ambiguity is expected, so her limbs are strong, her smile sweet, and her cackle even sweeter. But it's like she can't find her voice when you wet down her pelt; she's not sandstone, so wetness shouldn't be a problem for her, and yet... it is - insomuch as it goads her into hugging a bit more firmly against your back, while that stocky muzzle dips down to nuzzle at one of your ears. All by its lonesome, that other paw keeps a dainty hold on the bell, sounding that chime every few moments or so - the rest of her is too wrapped up in enjoying the moment, and following you to the windswept pavement.
... And so it goes, that Ataxia spends her night with Lupe, for the first time in some time, not in pain, but in bliss.
The full log would be posted, if the jackal had not been drawn away by real life. The results in exactness, or wither or not they will be acted out when the chance comes, will be decided when next I can see Lupe.
Ataxia rolls her fingers as she rests on the windshield of a broken automobile, her fingers rolling lightly before her. Her clothes are folded to her side as she coos.. "Bah-du-bah bau-du-bah, i-deco i-deco, un-da-se, un-du-se la, twa de fer. I-le-I-lu-ishus se-de-a. Nu-bon no I con-tru mon le play. E-no-non la mon-cha be-sair, oh-che-to-sey-to-cher, me-te-mont. Bah-du-bah bau-du-bah, bah-du-bah bau-du-bah, twa de fer.." The words come as song, and it almost sounds like French in pronunciation. However, it is seemingly not a real language.
System glances towards Ataxia, arching up (his) eyebrows. "Ataxia..?"
"D" has arrived.
"D" scrambles up the ladder, and heads toward the three of you at a brisk jog, her heavy boots clomping noisily on the cracked old pavement. "Thought you were gonna wait on me," she huffs, grinning at System.
System shakes (his) head. "I did not say I would, and I did not wish to remain in Charm."
"D" hehs. "Gotta disagree with ya there, champ," she replies. "I said I'd meet you outside as soon as I finished up, and you said, and I quote, 'acknowledged'." She shrugs on one side. "Miscommunication, maybe. Guess it doesn't really matter." She seems curiously unconcerned at Ataxia's unusual behavior.
Squeak squeaks excitedly at the mention of Charm, even though the singing has him all befuddled.
System chuckles. "Ah, yes. I had been responding to your request to be given a moment with Theeka."
Ataxia is not totally unaware of having company. Perhaps one day she'll find a desolate spot that's less popular. She lays back slowly, the broken glass of the windshield bending in as she rests, her head turning enough to watch with dull blue eyes, the jackal quiet.
System glances towards Ataxia. "What is your status, love?"
"D" ahs. "My bad," she answers simply. She gives herself a quiet moment to examine System, then wrfs, coolly, "It's true what she said about the roses, y'know. I know how you feel about their trustworthiness, and I ain't really drinkin' their joy-juice philosophy, on a personal level." Shrug. "But there ain't a doubt in my mind on this. Enough to borrow one and do a low-level analysis, if it'll settle your mind any."
Ataxia smiles faintly.. "Spent." she responds, her shoulders shrugging up lightly.
System states quietly, "They've already been taken by others, in any event. I shall not take them away from those who have claimed them. That would be wrong."
System smiles quietly to Ataxia, walking over to reach and squeeze her shoulder. "I am here for you if you desire, love."
Ataxia's head falls back as she smiles faintly.. "I know.." she responds, her tailtip flicking slowly, simply.
Then..
"D" nods. "I just don't want you to worry more'n you have to. In fact, while I'm at it..." She smiles softly at the once-probe. "You don't have to worry about them comin' after you. Not about this, anyway. The roses were...a prank, yeah? They've made the point they wanted, however you feel about it, and they aren't looking to give you any more shit about it. Or Ataxia."
"D"'s head swivels slowly to lock eyes on the jackal, her gaze focused, yet gentle. "Hey...Ataxia?"
Ataxia's dull blue eyes trail to D, the blackness below them gently wisping. She remains silent, but its implicit that she accepts the verbal contact..
"D"'s expression remains fairly neutral; her eyes are sympathetic, but a smile, at this moment, seems...too intimate, somehow. "Can I talk to you sometime? I'm not asking now. Whenever you feel up to it." She looks down a bit, and a few degrees to one side as a smile creeps into one corner of her muzzle, avoiding directing it directly at the jackal. "I don't want to talk you into anything, out of anything, or bring you down. I just..." She sighs a little. "I just came bulling into your personal life like a brakeless train this last [day] or so, and I didn't mean for it to be that way. Things..." She closes her eyes, a note of regret creeping into her voice. "Happened kinda fast. Maybe for the best, but I feel like I owe you an apology, or at least an explanation."
Ataxia's lips curl into a faint smile.. "I have no idea what you're talking about.." she trails, her fingers slowly tapping along the car to either side of her.. "But I'm convinced that what free will I've had before is in jeopardy.. by people who want to do the same thing to me that I did to Lupe, and protect me beyond my own will.." she continues.. and laughs.. "Not that it matters.." she continues, swinging slowly, her legs coming over the edge as she stands before D.. "I can't let myself care about it.. It hurts too much.." she coos, leaning forward slowly.. "But I can't help it. Despite knowing the helplessness of this, my own thoughts extrapolated and brought to conclusions for me.. well, why should I care, if I never have the chance? But I can't help it, and I do, and it hurts, like everything else." she continues, turning to the side, never really letting D or anyone else speak.. "The only thing I want is those I care for to let me know they're there for me if I ask, not to advise me.. Let me come to my own damn conclusions, once.." she trails, the blackness trickling down either side of her muzzle.
System nods quietly. "I will be there for you, Ataxia. Always."
System states quietly, "Do you wish me to give you privacy for now, love?"
"D" closes her eyes. "I didn't want that," she whispers. "Ever since I met Lupe, and heard about what happened...I never wanted to draw a map for you, kiddo. I don't know if you can believe me now, but I promise you it's true. All I ever wanted, since all this shit came out...was for you to have the chance to find your own way, to make your own call about your own will before someone made it for you. That's all. Nothing more. But..." Her shoulders slump a bit, and her eyebrows curve sadly above those lidded eyes. "You've been hurting so much, and I guess I'm making you hurt more."
Ataxia's blackness drips from her muzzle, pooling on the ground.. "Up until now, I have been an experiment of my own control.. It didn't involve any of you.. I don't begin to imagine you know what I'm talking about, even, except that now I can feel violated, and I wonder if I'm ruined by losing control over my own life.. What on Puzzlebox do you think you're saving me from but myself?" she continues, a soft growl rising from her muzzle.."And I'm supposed to be thankful for losing my will to these feelings, or being protected from my own progression.. Don't you realize, that's my very design?" she trails.. "I'm not angry at you, D.. Not as an individual.. I'm angry I can be hurt like this.." she growls, outright. "But you're right.. It does hurt more to hear all this.." she continues, her fingers clenching lightly against her hands. "And its not your fault, at the same time.. Don't feel hurt by me.. Please, don't be concerned about me.. Don't cry for me, you'll only make me cry too.." she continues, and begins to walk off, to the stairs once more.
"D" shakes her head slowly. "I don't think you quite get where I'm coming from, hon, and maybe that's my fault. I'm springing a lot on you, and I'm not doing too great a job of it." She listens, nodding, "But yeah, now isn't the time. Maybe it never will be the time...ain't for me to say." As the jackal turns to leave, the collie finally allows herself a real, directed smile. "So I'm making my request an offer, OK? If you do want to talk sometime, call me. I'm always wired. If you don't..."
"D" shrugs. "I'll call it my loss and move on. Square?"
System smiles over to D. "By the way, D. Thank you, for being willing to help Ataxia."
"D" shakes her head slightly. "I haven't done anything."
System smiles. "But you are willing to help, and will offer it when you can. You are a friend."
Ataxia looks quietly down.. "I am not of a good mind for much right now, D. Please, don't take anything harshly.." she responds, taking a quiet breath.. "I can't talk to you on the wires, they all break around me, but if I want to.. I will talk to you about all these things regarding my life. But don't take away my own choice.. that's all.. If you want to be more casual ever.. I'm always open to that.." she nods softly.
(Ataxia Leaves)
D shakes her head again. "Only as far as I'm wanted for one," she answers System. Her attention returns to Ataxia, the collie giving her a long, almost mournful look. "Do you really think I would?" she whispers, too late to be heard, as the jackal descends the stairs. Perhaps it's just as well; D couldn't quite keep the hurt out of her voice...
------
Later, in the Mind Electric, Ataxia returns to Lupe, who she spent the last night with. The gift to System is returned.
Lupe is resting quietly in the booth where she sat the night previous, having more or less slept next to you just to make sure nothing untoward happened. She salutes you with a raise of her glass, and a nod of her head. "Hello there."
Ataxia walks back over to the booth quietly, coming to sit across from you. It takes a moment, but she smiles faintly.. "I slept.. better. Did you sleep well..?" she asks, her tail curling over her lap. Oddly, she's stark naked.
Lupe watches you make your way over to sit, though she has the good grace not to comment on your unclothed form. Save for a small quirk up of one edge of her muzzle. "About as well as could be expected, actually. Had a nice talk with D after you went to sleep."
Ataxia shakes her head quietly.. "I know.. I think I hurt D, today.." she whispers, looking slowly down to her hands.. "Even though.. she had tried to help me.. And that's what I hurt her over.." she nods slowly..
Lupe perks both those ears up over the admission... She sets the glass on the table before her, abandoning the pitcher of liquid calm for something more important. And though she ralizes her lap is still somewhat sore from the disordering it took the night previous, she pats it now again. "Want to talk about it?"
System wanders in..
System bows deeply. "Greetings, love, Lupe. What is your status?"
Ataxia smiles faintly as she looks up to you, her dull blue eyes made sharp by the darkness welled below.. "I.." she trails, turning to see System enter, and loosing all of her words. Her eyes just fall down after, and she slumps back in her seat.
System makes (his) way over to your table, smiling happily. "May I join you?"
Lupe was leaning forward, perhaps to hear something from someone who was about to impart some rather sensitive information. That's why when that shy flower of a jackal shuts back up again, she turns a wry smirk to the arriving System. "I'm doing well enough. Imppecable timing, as always."
Ataxia looks a little back up, nodding softly.. "Of course.." she coos, her arms pushing back on the table a little to straighten her up.
System settles down gratefully next to the jackal, wrapping (his) arm affectionately around her shoulders. "It is good to see both of you..."
Ataxia's tail slowly twines around System's waist, curling all the way to the other side in response.
System settles (his) briefcase on the table.
System leans against Ataxia. "I was curious as to why you gave me that part of yourself, Ataxia. I do not understand why..."
Ataxia looks to System with a twinge of pain in her eyes.. "Do you find no value in it?.." she whispers, quietly.
Lupe quietly watches, as she's not quite sure what she's overhearing, but she can pretty much tell when there's a sandbag falling towards her cranium.
System shakes (his) head. "I am grateful you trust me with it, but... is it not a part of you? You said you thought it would be better with me, and I am confused."
Ataxia shakes her head quietly.. "If its not obvious.. I'll have it back, then, love.." she whispers, simply looking down, dejectedly.
System's face creases with confusion and pain. "Am I hurting you? Please, I wish to understand. I do not wish to hurt you..."
System takes up the briefcase, cracking it open and pulling out the sphere of shadowsubstance.
Ataxia slowly shakes her head.. "No, no.. its not your fault.. I just can't figure things out on my end anymore, System. It will take.. time.. Just know that foolishly, meaning sometimes comes in such a way that would be broken by words. It doesn't matter now, but I'm not going to break it anyhow.."
Lupe keeps her muzzle shut and her eyes open; she's morbidly curious as to what is going on in front of her, but there's no real way to ask it in this point of time.
System hands the sphere back over to Ataxia, shaking (his) head slowly and looking sad.
Ataxia rolls her fingers at the sphere.. and quietly, it circles her, unable to enter her presently. "I didn't mean to hurt you, either, System.." she whispers, barely.
System leans over to kiss her cheek, squeezing tightly around her shoulders. "I love you..."
Ataxia lets her head fall slowly to System's shoulder, her eyes closed, deeply dark.. "Don't think I'll ever forget that you love me, System.. or that I love you.." she continues, her breathing careful, at the edge of emotion she desperately wants to keep in check. Its a fine balance.. "When I can tell you all I can.. I will tell you all I can.. Just know, I can't do everything I could before, not yet.."
-----
Once more, to the freeway, with Lupe.
Ataxia walks up with you quietly, her tail curling around your waist slowly.. "I'm sorry if I put you through a lot, Lupe.." she offers, smiling faintly. "I don't want to cause you any trouble or pain, either."
Lupe pads along beside you, quietly watching the differing scenery flicker by while she thinks. Your tail wrapping about her waist is a welcome bit of distraction from her own thoughts, though, which is why she offers you a little cackle-murr and a kiss on your shoulder. "Nothing I won't survive, hon."
Ataxia smiles warmly for a moment, her tail pulling a little tighter as she breathes in slowly, and sighs out.. "I can't quite go on like this, you know.. I hurt D, I hurt System, and it all hurts me, too.." she nods softly, her hand holding yours comfortably as she walks with you, utterly naked still.
Lupe isn't minding the nakedness one bit, though she can feel the old flames coming back from within her held paw. Ohwell. Those fingers curl about, clasping your paw to hers, while she tilts her head slightly. "Perhaps you should back up a moment. How did you hurt D and System?"
Ataxia's tailtip flicks at your far side as the whole appendage remains curled yet.. She turns a little, cupping her hand over yours as she holds it with the first.. "I.. They've been out, the both of them.. Trying to.. save me, from myself, and from everyone else.." she offers, her ears back.. "They're doing it out of love for me.. I know.." she sighs softly.. "But.. like with you, they never asked me what I thought about anything.. I don't know what they've done, I don't want to hear it even.. I just want my own free will, like I had before, and they're taking it from me, and these fears are taking it from me.. and I find I can't do anything. I could say anything, any time before.. But so many things clamped my mouth shut back there.. you saw it.." she nods softly.. "Right?.."
Lupe holds up her other paw to brush along your forearm while you speak; to hear you tell it, things are much more bleak than she'd say they are. So, when you finish with that utterance of 'Right?', the 'yena merely leans over to place a deliberate lick against your cheek. "Hon, shyness is just part of getting used to something new. It's self-doubt made manifest, and most important: it'll go away, with time and experience."
Ataxia nods softly, a foot slowly scuffing at the ground, knocking pebbles and debris around.. "I.. don't like being closed up, needing to be.. Shy.. its fear.. I've never had this self doubt.." she nods softly.. She strokes above your hand slowly.. "System.. he could have always had a piece of me around him.." she comments, looking up to the orbiting bit of her matter.. "And I could have saved him from worry, I thought.. He's always pained with worry.. That.." she trails, pointing to the orbiting sphere.. "Belongs inside of me, normally.. Its a copy of my original hand written backup override.. And, the most recent mental save state, whenever I've last touched it as a shadow.. and he couldn't figure out .. he wasn't even happy .. it just made him more concerned.." she shivers softly.. "I had to take it back from him.. which only could have hurt him more.. but it was more hurtful that he had it.. I shouldn't have had to say anything.." she nods softly, her tongue lulling behind her teeth.
Lupe leans up shoulder-to-shoulder, opting for the lazy sort of canine manner of getting some attention with one's own weight. "System had some stuff right, but others he has a very myopic view of. Hardly his fault, if he's acting the way he was designed." Her paw reaches out to try and touch the floating orb...
Ataxia leans in on your shoulder, her head lowering to it a bit as she looks to you. The orbiting sphere starts to properly cycle around both her and you, though slows when your fingers near it. It orders the things around her just like she does when she's like that.. its a little piece of her.. "He shouldn't have been worried about where I might end up.. I liked that being my own choice.." she murmurs softly, watching you. "And I don't blame him.. but.. that doesn't change it.."
Lupe smiles softly as an outstretched claw grazes over the floating spheroid. The lessening of the ache in her paw should be part of that, but also because she can nuzzle against the underside of your jaw. "Well, worry comes naturally to everyone, and usually it's for the nicest people that it comes out the most often." Behind her, she fans the air with her tail's wagging.
Ataxia's muzzle rubs down along the top of yours, her eyes closed. The sphere rests when touched, drifting towards the hand, drawn to it though not strongly. Her tail curls up and around your tail.. "Yes.." she responds quietly.. "Just like everyone.." she nods softly.. She looks out to you a bit, smiling faintly.. "But I'm not like everyone, Lupe.." she murmurs.. "I'm supposed to be.. free.." she continues, nodding softly. A soft whine rises in her jaw, but it fades as she brushes her nose along your forehead slowly.. "I.. can't think straight anymore.. Don't really want to worry or deal with anything right now.. Could I ask you.. a favor?.. Could you play your bell for me?.." she asks..
Lupe looks up at you with a small smile at the brush of muzzle to muzzle... Her paw curls about the sphere, holding it like others might hold a baseball, before she lets it drift past her fingerpads again. "Of course, hon..." Scarcely a thought goes out for the mental summons of her wall, which sprouts from the roadway beside her as it if always existed. A long, thin column of steel, one segment peels back to reveal a shallow cubby where the bell has been resting - and is lightly plucked out of its hiding place for a shake. *Ting...ting!* Little waves of happiness erupt from the crystal Doll heart.
Ataxia looks to your smile, to your eyes, the jackal slowly turning to curl her arms about you and stand at your side. She looks over, past you, to where your wall rises, all a she whispers.. "Thank you.. it didn't mean much to me before, but.." she trails, before the pluck draws the noise from the bell, and her lips draw back slowly, her body drawn tense at first, as if the whole sensation were alien.. Her tail trembles, twitches, and looses its grip on you as she sighs out, her lips curling up into a smile, her tail coming to wag, for a moment the jackal unable to speak, the experience a lot stronger than the smile it gave her before.
Lupe isn't immune to the effects, either - the light, airy peal of the bell has her giggling just because it feels nice to do so... Forgiven, forgotten! Right now she's too wrapped up in just enjoying the moment as one arm loosely hugs to your back, pulling your trembling form against her. She's not trying to overload your senses, or anything mean of that very nature - so the bell just gives off one peal. Lets the tone bounce and echo with the happiness it brings. And then strikes again only once the previous tone has faded off to silence.
Ataxia's mind is so tattered from the past few days that she doesn't even think of needing forgiveness right now. She's burnt herself out in a long torrent of newly discovered emotion, so much pain and fear that while she could still feel it, and even make a little sense of it at the end of this day, there is little left of the formed thought that goes with the emotion, that she enunciated before. The happiness of the bell is a shock to her system though.. Unlike the pain and hurt, it doesn't draw her down further, but lifts her up. She hasn't felt like it in some time.. or, perhaps, not at all.. But many of these fine details are lost to her doubly over right now - she just giggles happily, her eyes closing tight, the darkness below them slowly fading.. until she looks like she did before. She's tearing up a little, yes.. but she doesn't seem worse off for that. She slumps slowly before the next tone sets her hips swaying with the wag of her tail.. "A.. ahh.." she coos out, little genuine tears trailing down her muzzle as she smiles in release and relief.
Lupe, for her part, has a rather difficult time holding you up when you start to sag under her arm's soft touch. But is you're dropping to the ground, then so is she; just by letting one paw slip back, crouching upon one knee while she rests in front of you. Never does that giddy cackle stop from her, but part of that is herself, and part is the bell's influence. Crystal music continues to play in its slow, harmonic way, bringing you up a swift rise of happiness, and then a downward slide of amusement while the next wave rushes onward. Evidence of that can be found no further than the wildly-wagging 'yena-tail. As for the withdrawal of the heat? A welcome change, indeed! She was starting to feel like she were going to ignite under that touch and hug.
Ataxia is still warm to touch, pervadingly, but its not nearly so bad. The mental load on her system is gone, and the need to leech order from you dearly lessened.. She falls slowly with, the jackal light if tall, the girl only giggling more as she hears your cackle mixed giggles as well, her dull blue eyes opening, free from that worried blackness from before as she breathes in during the downturn of music.. then shudders with the next swift rise, her tail wagging, though its longer length keep it at a pace slower than yours. She falls to her knees, her arms pulling better around you, her head sliding down along your chest as the bare jackal laughs.. "O.. oh.. Thank you.." she whispers out, her arms drawing tighter on you.. She can't say anything more as she wells up in a giggle again, her ears growing more and more red as she looks up to you, smiling full and true to you.'
Lupe's eyes widen slightly when she feels you lean in to graze over her thick neck in such a genteel way... Granted, like most of her kinda, a certain kind of rangy ambiguity is expected, so her limbs are strong, her smile sweet, and her cackle even sweeter. But it's like she can't find her voice when you wet down her pelt; she's not sandstone, so wetness shouldn't be a problem for her, and yet... it is - insomuch as it goads her into hugging a bit more firmly against your back, while that stocky muzzle dips down to nuzzle at one of your ears. All by its lonesome, that other paw keeps a dainty hold on the bell, sounding that chime every few moments or so - the rest of her is too wrapped up in enjoying the moment, and following you to the windswept pavement.
... And so it goes, that Ataxia spends her night with Lupe, for the first time in some time, not in pain, but in bliss.
The full log would be posted, if the jackal had not been drawn away by real life. The results in exactness, or wither or not they will be acted out when the chance comes, will be decided when next I can see Lupe.