Harry Potter Crack: Coffee Terrorists
But then today I was drawing Draco and Coffee....and somehow wandered from thoughts on Coffee Poachers...to what context I could use "Coffee Terrorists" in....and merged with a musing on why Harry and Draco had to have Cuthbert trailing them around....to this:
[setting: Auror Office, kitchens]
Draco: la la la I come to drink the lifeblood that is coffee
Coffee Machine: *gurgles ominously* I am a coffee machine...a magical one!
Draco: *pours self a cup of heaven-juice automatically*
(cue dramatic music o doom)
Draco: sip....sip.....sip.... *quizzical expression, eyebrow quirked up* ...eh? *SLUU----UURRRRP*
Draco: *face slowly goes from "puzzled" to "overdramatically horrified, like a normal person at seeing someone kick a puppy"* *dramatic, shrill scream of outrage* This is a travesty! An offense against the senses! DEAR MERLIN SAY IT ISN’T SO!!!
Harry: *dashes in heroically* La~! I am Harry Potter! He is my partner! And there are absolutely no unprofessional implications implied when I say it!! DEAREST DRACO, WHATEVER IS THE MATTER?!
[ Draco has leaped upon chair, like maid upon sighting a mouse. Splatters of dark liquid [probably coffee] surround a mug which has fallen to the ground. the handle is broken off. Other Aurors are suspiciously lacking in presence]
Harry: Draco!? What's wrong? Was there a Death Eater? Did Katie said she didn't like your tie again? Did someone....*slowly processing liquid on the ground*...try to poison you?! *starts to go to Harry Potter, your (un)Friendly Local Apocalypse Mode*
Draco: *slightly curled in on self, occasionally making small gasping whimpers, like someone too traumatized and sorrowful to cry properly* Harry.....harry...... harry, we have been betrayed.....
Harry: What!? What is it?! Shall I fetch a beoazer? More coffee? Snape?!?
Draco: *abruptly straightens up and points upwards* OUR OFFICE IS INFILTRATED WITH...*dramatic pause*…COFFEE TERRORISTS!!!
Harry: *pauses in confusion, look of utter bewilderment crosses face*.....What insanity are you babbling about now? Or is this the effect of the poison?! How do I know? Oh, Woe is I, I should have paid attention in Potions Class!
Draco: ...poison! Yes, poison it was! It was a deliberate attempt to sabotage our bid for Aurors of the Year (again)!! I tell you...this outrage and scandal comes from WITHIN!!!
Harry: ......*slowly dawning suspicion that this is Draco being Utterly Mad once more*
Draco: I know this, for I am a very egotistical genius and you should all bow at my feet...for I know that only Aurors can make coffee using that machine.....*trails off briefly, for dramatic effect*
Draco: and only Aurors trying to sabotage me, a former Death Eater and generally Not Nice Person, would be willing to carry through with such a dastardly evil evil plot of horror!
Draco: *clings to Harry and wails* THEY PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MACHINE!! WHY???!? WHY MUST IT BE THIS WAY??!!?
Harry: Umm... guy here WHO DOESN’T LIKE YOU (I swear).....stop clinging so close (or kiss me), plzkaythanks!
Draco: *too far gone in his own world* WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME SO?!? IS THE LACK OF CAFFEINE ALL PENANCE FOR MY SINS?!? AND I, I AM SO DEEPLY WOUNDED FROM ALLOWING SUCH POISON TO PASS MY LIPS, I MUST GO FIND KATIE BELL AND SNOG HER UNTIL SHE HATH SUCKED THIS DREAD DROUGHT FROM MINE VEINS
Draco: *dashes off like the Eccentric Genius that he is*
Harry:......okay people, it's safe to come out now....
Aurors: *all come out from under the same desk where they had been hiding in a manner most physically improbable*
Harry: *voice goes slightly Harmonics o Ear Bleedingness* Okay ,I'm going to ask this once, and only once....
Aurors: *general shuffling of embarrassed feets*
Harry: *continues* Who. Was so Utterly Foolish and Incompetent as to forget that Decaffeinated Coffee is forbidden within 20 ft of that machine? Who was it who forced us to go through that for the fifth time this month?
Aurors: *further shuffling, this time in a direction distinctly away from a new, young, conspicuously unscarred member of the group*
Victim: .......m-me, Mr. Savior Scary Man, Sir.
Harry: I should have known it was you....... formeraurortraineewho'snameiforget!!! Look, I know its your first time in the office out of basic training and all...but really....did you fail to read the large sign?
*Points to sign which contains diagrams in clear bold strokes which apparently indicate that anyone putting decaf coffee (or possibly deadly poison) within the vicinity of the coffee machine (or possibly anywhere in England) would suffer all of the tortures that Filch could devise, and quite a few more that only Draco himself could have dreamt of*
Victim: ........*wibble*
Shacklebolt: *finally comes out of office once entire debacle is over; face has all the expressiveness of a paving brick* ....I'll take over from here Mr. Potter
Harry: But wait! I haven't gotten Super Saiyan... I mean UberScary Veela-Parselmouth, yet!
Shacklebolt: Swinebum?
Victim: erm…. Sir?....It’s Swinburne...Rodney Swinburne...its an N - E at the end and the e is silent……..
Shacklebolt: ..... *impassive My Face Is Carved From Prehistoric Rocks face*
Rodney:.......*shrinks*
Shacklebolt: *face does not move, but somehow manages to give the impression that five calming potions and a good bottle of whiskey would be appreciated and might in fact be necessary for him to handle this situation properly*
Rodney:.....*whimper*
Shacklebolt: ....Just...go...attach yourself to another pair of Aurors for a day. just...follow them. And..don't do anything they tell you not to. They'll (hopefully) keep you from causing us all to suffer another round from the Pain in the Posterior Pair
Rodney: The pain...what, sir?
Shacklebolt: *still, no facial change* I said: our most distinguished and awarded pair of active aurors who have brilliantly solved every single case set before them. They are a shining example to us all of what we'll all be like when we finally snap.
-------
[Scene: Sometime Later, Shacklebolt alone in his office composing a Memo. and what a Vengeful Memo it is]
Contents of Memo:
To Whom It May Concern,
As the head of the Aurors, I would like to express concerns I have regarding new Auror Trainee graduates. I feel that the trainees, although well trained for most fieldwork and in the basic Auror conduct, are still lacking in ways that can not be remedied through further training in a controlled setting. Rather, I propose a there be a period of internship instituted (tentatively set for six months) in which a trainee who has successfully passes all tests would "shadow" a pair of Aurors and learn from them and aid them in any way they can. Of course all Auror pairs may not yet themselves be effective examples. I thus propose that the assignment of internships be based upon the record of the Auror pairs, and any pair which possesses a record of above (x) be required to take on an intern.
With Utmost Respect,
Kingsley Shacklebolt
(Head Auror; Order of Merlin, First Class)
----Fin----
A fanfic of a fantic.....and I'm being special and putting the disclaimer at the end: JK Rowling & mistful have all the moderately good ideas in this on their own hands...although perhaps they might not wish to be assoicated with such tomfoolery. ^^;
[setting: Auror Office, kitchens]
Draco: la la la I come to drink the lifeblood that is coffee
Coffee Machine: *gurgles ominously* I am a coffee machine...a magical one!
Draco: *pours self a cup of heaven-juice automatically*
(cue dramatic music o doom)
Draco: sip....sip.....sip.... *quizzical expression, eyebrow quirked up* ...eh? *SLUU----UURRRRP*
Draco: *face slowly goes from "puzzled" to "overdramatically horrified, like a normal person at seeing someone kick a puppy"* *dramatic, shrill scream of outrage* This is a travesty! An offense against the senses! DEAR MERLIN SAY IT ISN’T SO!!!
Harry: *dashes in heroically* La~! I am Harry Potter! He is my partner! And there are absolutely no unprofessional implications implied when I say it!! DEAREST DRACO, WHATEVER IS THE MATTER?!
[ Draco has leaped upon chair, like maid upon sighting a mouse. Splatters of dark liquid [probably coffee] surround a mug which has fallen to the ground. the handle is broken off. Other Aurors are suspiciously lacking in presence]
Harry: Draco!? What's wrong? Was there a Death Eater? Did Katie said she didn't like your tie again? Did someone....*slowly processing liquid on the ground*...try to poison you?! *starts to go to Harry Potter, your (un)Friendly Local Apocalypse Mode*
Draco: *slightly curled in on self, occasionally making small gasping whimpers, like someone too traumatized and sorrowful to cry properly* Harry.....harry...... harry, we have been betrayed.....
Harry: What!? What is it?! Shall I fetch a beoazer? More coffee? Snape?!?
Draco: *abruptly straightens up and points upwards* OUR OFFICE IS INFILTRATED WITH...*dramatic pause*…COFFEE TERRORISTS!!!
Harry: *pauses in confusion, look of utter bewilderment crosses face*.....What insanity are you babbling about now? Or is this the effect of the poison?! How do I know? Oh, Woe is I, I should have paid attention in Potions Class!
Draco: ...poison! Yes, poison it was! It was a deliberate attempt to sabotage our bid for Aurors of the Year (again)!! I tell you...this outrage and scandal comes from WITHIN!!!
Harry: ......*slowly dawning suspicion that this is Draco being Utterly Mad once more*
Draco: I know this, for I am a very egotistical genius and you should all bow at my feet...for I know that only Aurors can make coffee using that machine.....*trails off briefly, for dramatic effect*
Draco: and only Aurors trying to sabotage me, a former Death Eater and generally Not Nice Person, would be willing to carry through with such a dastardly evil evil plot of horror!
Draco: *clings to Harry and wails* THEY PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MACHINE!! WHY???!? WHY MUST IT BE THIS WAY??!!?
Harry: Umm... guy here WHO DOESN’T LIKE YOU (I swear).....stop clinging so close (or kiss me), plzkaythanks!
Draco: *too far gone in his own world* WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME SO?!? IS THE LACK OF CAFFEINE ALL PENANCE FOR MY SINS?!? AND I, I AM SO DEEPLY WOUNDED FROM ALLOWING SUCH POISON TO PASS MY LIPS, I MUST GO FIND KATIE BELL AND SNOG HER UNTIL SHE HATH SUCKED THIS DREAD DROUGHT FROM MINE VEINS
Draco: *dashes off like the Eccentric Genius that he is*
Harry:......okay people, it's safe to come out now....
Aurors: *all come out from under the same desk where they had been hiding in a manner most physically improbable*
Harry: *voice goes slightly Harmonics o Ear Bleedingness* Okay ,I'm going to ask this once, and only once....
Aurors: *general shuffling of embarrassed feets*
Harry: *continues* Who. Was so Utterly Foolish and Incompetent as to forget that Decaffeinated Coffee is forbidden within 20 ft of that machine? Who was it who forced us to go through that for the fifth time this month?
Aurors: *further shuffling, this time in a direction distinctly away from a new, young, conspicuously unscarred member of the group*
Victim: .......m-me, Mr. Savior Scary Man, Sir.
Harry: I should have known it was you....... formeraurortraineewho'snameiforget!!! Look, I know its your first time in the office out of basic training and all...but really....did you fail to read the large sign?
*Points to sign which contains diagrams in clear bold strokes which apparently indicate that anyone putting decaf coffee (or possibly deadly poison) within the vicinity of the coffee machine (or possibly anywhere in England) would suffer all of the tortures that Filch could devise, and quite a few more that only Draco himself could have dreamt of*
Victim: ........*wibble*
Shacklebolt: *finally comes out of office once entire debacle is over; face has all the expressiveness of a paving brick* ....I'll take over from here Mr. Potter
Harry: But wait! I haven't gotten Super Saiyan... I mean UberScary Veela-Parselmouth, yet!
Shacklebolt: Swinebum?
Victim: erm…. Sir?....It’s Swinburne...Rodney Swinburne...its an N - E at the end and the e is silent……..
Shacklebolt: ..... *impassive My Face Is Carved From Prehistoric Rocks face*
Rodney:.......*shrinks*
Shacklebolt: *face does not move, but somehow manages to give the impression that five calming potions and a good bottle of whiskey would be appreciated and might in fact be necessary for him to handle this situation properly*
Rodney:.....*whimper*
Shacklebolt: ....Just...go...attach yourself to another pair of Aurors for a day. just...follow them. And..don't do anything they tell you not to. They'll (hopefully) keep you from causing us all to suffer another round from the Pain in the Posterior Pair
Rodney: The pain...what, sir?
Shacklebolt: *still, no facial change* I said: our most distinguished and awarded pair of active aurors who have brilliantly solved every single case set before them. They are a shining example to us all of what we'll all be like when we finally snap.
-------
[Scene: Sometime Later, Shacklebolt alone in his office composing a Memo. and what a Vengeful Memo it is]
Contents of Memo:
To Whom It May Concern,
As the head of the Aurors, I would like to express concerns I have regarding new Auror Trainee graduates. I feel that the trainees, although well trained for most fieldwork and in the basic Auror conduct, are still lacking in ways that can not be remedied through further training in a controlled setting. Rather, I propose a there be a period of internship instituted (tentatively set for six months) in which a trainee who has successfully passes all tests would "shadow" a pair of Aurors and learn from them and aid them in any way they can. Of course all Auror pairs may not yet themselves be effective examples. I thus propose that the assignment of internships be based upon the record of the Auror pairs, and any pair which possesses a record of above (x) be required to take on an intern.
With Utmost Respect,
Kingsley Shacklebolt
(Head Auror; Order of Merlin, First Class)
----Fin----
A fanfic of a fantic.....and I'm being special and putting the disclaimer at the end: JK Rowling & mistful have all the moderately good ideas in this on their own hands...although perhaps they might not wish to be assoicated with such tomfoolery. ^^;