Poem party: One from the vaults

[athena_penguin]

Please for you to read and tell me how is to make good I write very poor please to tell me what she is wrong

last time I stuck around for the implosion

because I had hoped to be collateral damage

Marla Singer knows what I mean

I was disappointed when

covered in ash and

corn syrup blood

I lay, one eye half

Comments

[wireandwax]

Here are my suggestions in poem form, that I already read to you:

Last time

I stuck around for the implosion

It was the faithful recreation

of an event devised

to place me out of my own control

I had hoped

of course

to be collateral damage

I was disappointed,

covered in ashes

and sticky

with sweet, red,

corn syrup blood

I lay,

one eye half open

hoping for rescue

I gave up then

dusted myself off,

to find the cigarettes

unsmoked,

the liquor

unpurchased and

the thrill unaccounted for

I could see

All the makeup, running

Into puddles around my feet,

draining slowly

in the cold shower,

Scars, already healing,

Smooth, pore-less skin

over the softer places

[wireandwax]

I want to put so much space between every word and ever line and fill it with comas, but...

OK, sleep to wakefullness ratio catching up with me in 3 2 1.

Liiiiike it

[jekkisa]

"I had to give up and dust myself off"
I really like how you played with the phonetics of this phrase.

"How disappointing then

to find the cigarettes

unsmoked, the liquor

unpurchased and only

the thrill unaccounted for"

This has my favorite cadence of the piece.

"So this time when the countdown begins

all I have left to enjoy is the after image

of the mushroom cloud against a rising sun"

Digg the imagery of this, and the stanza before it.