The coolest Strokes fiction ever! LOL
Title: The Girl I Love
Who's in it: Nearly every Strokes except for... Albert? Sorry...
Rating: PG-13 perhaps?
Disclaimer: Yes, it might be similiar to some crazy TV Show...
Feedback: That would be much appreaciated
Cross-posted: My Journal and Strokes Fan Fiction in Yahoo Groups!
The Girl I Love
In that mysterious cool-looking-very-wicked bar in Someday video clip, Nick, Fab and Nikolai looking at Sports Illustrated
Nick: Why would Sports illustrated even publish an issue "The son of swimsuit-issue"?
Nikolai: You know who should do a swimsuit issue? Playboy.
Nick: Why would you put clothes on a centerfold?
Nikolai: Sometimes I get tired of all the complete nakedness and I like to be teased a little.
[Nikolai sits down, stretches and taps his head]
Nikolai: Yeeeah, there is a lot more going on up here than you know about.
Nick: I think there is some stuff going on up there that you don’t know about.
[The door opens, Jules and Juliet enter.]
Juliet: You guys should come to the arboretum with us. We saw plants and trees from all over the world.
Jules: There is a bush from Morocco. Smelled like chocolate-chip cookies.
Fab: Ah, that is the perfect bush.
Juliet (to Jules): Thanks for taking me to the arboretum, it was really fun.
[Juliet and Jules kiss.]
Jules: Yeah, what a great day.
[Juliet leaves.]
Jules: What a HORRIBLE day! I don’t mind looking at some trees. Okay, when they put little signs on them, little Latin names …makes me want to harm myself.
Nikolai : So the missus took you out for some girl fun, huh?
Fab (analyzing): See, Juliet is hot, but she is mean. My girlfriend Drew, just hot.
Nick: You know, Fab, you talk a lot about this Drew-chick, but none of us has ever seen her.
Jules: Yeah, we actually starting to suspect that she is some creepy alter ego that you visit late at night in front of the mirror.
Fab: oh, no, I don’t do that anymore. But Drew is the real deal, Nikolai saw her at the DMV.
Nikolai: Eehhh, there were a lot of girls there, she could have been the one with the lazy eye that does the vision test.
Fab: Lazy-eye Lola? No way, she wouldn’t even look at me.
[The DMV, Drew and Fab stand behind the counter.]
Fab: Drew, my friends don’t believe you are my girlfriend even though I frenched you.
Drew: Girlfriend? I don’t know if were there yet. I mean I like you and all, it’s just that all the guys at the DMV seem great until you find them in your apartment wearing your hot-curlers. (She looks past Fab at another clerk) Warren!
Drew: I want to get to know you better, meet your friends, make sure they’re not puppets. (Again looks past Fab) Warren!
[Warren looks at her, irritated.]
Fab: Sooo. If they are not puppets, then would you be my girlfriend?
Drew: Mmmm, it would definitely help.
[They kiss. A guy from the group of customers looks at them.]
Guy: Are these lines open or not?
[They break the kiss.]
Fab: You’re right, I’m sorry
Drew: It was very unprofessional.
[Fab puts a sing saying "next window please" and they continue kissing.]
MRS. CASABLANCASITS
[Casablancas kitchen: Fab, Jules, Juliet, Amanda and Mrs. Casablancas (with Lizzie) present. Mrs. Casablancas and Amanda sit at the table, petting Lizzie, the rest hang out by the counter.]
Jules: So, we’re finally going to meet the mysterious, and possibly fictional, Drew!
Fab: Fictional? Points at the side of his neck. Does this hickey look fictional?
[Juliet and Jules examine the proof.]
Juliet: Huh, looks too small to be from the vacuum cleaner like last time.
[Amanda comes up.]
Amanda: Wait, let me see…Small, blotchy and uneven, ärgh, this girl is an amateur.
Fab: Let me see…Small, blotchy and unpleasant, yeah, this girl is an Amanda.
Mrs. Casablancas: Fab? I’m thrilled that you found a girl, because I was starting to worry. Eh-heh…But you’re proven me and the experts from Readers’ Digest wrong!
Fab: When I introduce her to everybody, I just want it to be special.
Mrs. Casablancas: Oh! Let’s have a formal dinner party tomorrow! You know it was at a dinner party that I first realized Mr. Casablancas was more than just a boy with great hair.
Fab: Sounds good, Miss Mrs. Casablancas. Oh, you may be a little past your prime, but your mind is still sharp.
[Mrs. Casablancas looks at Juliet to find out how to react.]
Jules: Oh, actually tomorrow night is not going to work, I thought we might go see The Hives.
Mrs. Casablancas: Well, you tell this fellow Hives, that you have a dinner party.
Jules: No, mom, The Hives is not a guy, The Hives is like the best live band in the planet… with lasers! Lasers like in Star Wars!!!
Juliet (reassuringly): Mrs. Casablancas, we will be here.
Jules: What, you rather go to a formal dinner party?
Juliet: Sure! Sounds great.
Amanda: And a, and don’t forget, Mrs. Casablancas, you can count Nick and me in. Yeah, I have been looking for an excuse to buy him a shirt with buttons.
Mrs. Casablancas: Since it’s a special occasion, you are all allowed one sip of wine….
Jules: Great! It will be like communion, but without the fun of church!
Chapter 2
[Basement, Amanda, Nick and Jules present, Nick and Jules are tossing cards into a hat.]
Amanda: So Nick, you know, I was thinking of getting you a pair of beige corduroys and maybe a blue blazer for the party.
Nick: oh, don’t forget the matching scarf and gloves. (pause) This way I will be nice and toasty when hell freezes over!
Jules (mock sympathy): Oh-o, Amanda, looks like Nick doesn’t wanna wear his big boy clothes.
Nick: No, I just don’t wanna go! (Motions towards Amanda) And you know you should have asked me before you said I would.
Amanda: Nick! I am you girlfriend. I speak for you now!
Nick: Well then tell yourself I said to bite me, because I’m not going.
Amanda: Oh, you are soooo going! So just bite yourself!
[Amanda leaves.]
Nick: Man, do you believe that crap?
Jules: Tell me about it. Juliet wants to go to a dinner-party, we go to a dinner-party. If she wants to go to an arboretum, BANG, I’m in a room full of trees. (Pause) God, I hate trees. So tall and arrogant.
Nick: So why don’t you just not go?
Jules: Ergh, it’s just one day.
Nick: Not for you man, you’re engaged. It’s Latin for ’screwed for life’.
Jules: Oh my god, you’re right! And I have no choice, I have to do what she says, or she will not let me touch her naughty places! (pause) Nick, this is extortion!
Nick: You’re telling me? I’ve been shaken down by a 95-pound blonde with pink toenails!
CHAPTER 3
[Casablancas kitchen. Mrs. Casablancas takes three bottles of wine from a box, Mr. Casablancas walks by and spots the bottles.]
Mr. Casablancas: Mrs. Casablancas? I know this change of life has upset you, but we just bought wine the other day. What are you doing, brushing your teeth with this stuff?
Mrs. Casablancas: Mr. Casablancas, it’s not for me. (Looks at the bottle in her hand) Now, this one is. (Puts the bottle into the cupboard) We’re having a dinner-party tomorrow night.
Mr. Casablancas: No, can’t do it. America’s Next Top Model is on!
[Mrs. Casablancas looks puzzled.]
Mr. Casablancas: See, once a year, they make TV-stars compete at things they’re not good at. I look forward all season, to watching American Idol, Simon Cowell... (Pause) V. Inspirational…
Mrs. Casablancas: Well you shouldn’t feel superior, because you know what I know about Simon Cowell? Simon Cowell would come to my dinner-party, because he knows how to treat a woman.
Mr. Casablancas: Did you say dinner party? See, I thought you… oh, screw it, I’ll be there
[Nikolai, who has been lurking behind the screen door, has now entered and is casually leaning against the door-frame.]
Nikolai: What is this about a party?
Mrs. Casablancas (excited): Oh, well, we’re having a party tomorrow night for Fab and Drew. (Mrs. Casablancas grins) I’ve invited all the kids.
Nikolai: I’m a kid…
Mrs. Casablancas: Well, it’s for couples only. You can come if you bring a date.
Nikolai: Well, it’s too late to find a date. Yeah, I’m sweet looking, but I’m no miracle-worker.
Mrs. Casablancas: Well maybe if you’d stop jumping from girl to girl, you wouldn’t be alone, you’re no Jude Law, you know!
Nikolai (pointing at Mrs. Casablancas): You know, you used to be nice, but you’ve changed, lady!
CHAPTER 4
[Casablancas driveway, Jules, Fab and Amanda leans against a car, Nick is shooting hoops.]
Fab: Guys, I really want Drew to like me, so please, avoid the following topics: (pause) my addiction to candy, the fact that I have needs and my use of Alberto VO5 hot-oil treatment.
Amanda: Fab, what does she care what you use on your hair?
Fab: Oh, I do not use it on my hair.
[Nikolai comes from the house.]
Nikolai: Well, I heard about your secret couples-party. (He sits between Amanda and Fab) And I’m glad I’m not going because I hate parties.
Jules: Hey man, I’m only going because Juliet is making me. At this rate, the only way I’ll see The Hives is if they project it on a leaf-canopy at the arboretum.
Nick: So, don’t go to the party. Act tough, Casablancas.
Jules: I’m not tough.
Nick: That’s why I said act. (pause) No one is making me go, that’s for sure.
Amanda: Oooh, that is it, Nick! As your girlfriend, I am ordering you to go to this party!
Nick. And as your boyfriend, I’m ordering you to take your bossy mouth and flap it elsewhere!
[They stand and stare at each other)
Nikolai: You’d flapping at me, I’ll go with you.
Amanda: You hear that, Nick? Michael wants to go to the party with me.
Nick: I’m not going to the party.
Amanda: Fine. Michael, I would love to go to the party with you.
Nikolai: Kickass! I love parties!
[Amanda drags Nikolai away by his jacket.]
CHAPTER 4
[Living room, apparently after the dinner. Everybody present, including Drew, excluding Nick. Drew and Fab sit by the piano, Mr. Casablancas at his chair, Mrs. Casablancas stands beside him and all the rest have squeezed themselves onto the couch.]
Mrs. Casablancas: Okay, now! These are called after dinner conversation cards. Lets try one. (Mrs. Casablancas does her trademark laugh) If you were a bird where would you fly? Juliet?
[Juliet looks surprised.]
Juliet: Um, south? I don’t know, I’m nervous, I feel like I’m on Jeopardy.
[Jules raises his hand.]
Jules: If I were a bird, I’d fly to The Hives.
Nikolai (like he just found the ultimate answer): I’d fly to Tahiti, co’ the girls there don’t wear tops! Wait, but then I ’d want to change back to myself because no lady wants to make it with birds. (Pause) Wait, can I be a monkey?
Mrs. Casablancas: Okay. Drew!
Drew: I’d fly to my favourite place, the DMV!
Fab: I was just going to say that!
[They hug.]
Mrs. Casablancas: Mr. Casablancas, we haven’t heard a beep out of you.
Mr. Casablancas (deadpan): If I was a bird, I would fly into a ceiling-fan.
[Nick enters, looking defeated.]
Amanda: Oooh, Nick, you came, just like I thought you would. You buckled!
Nick: No, I got hungry. (Looks at Nikolai) You’re in my seat! (Tries to lift Nikolai up by his tie but it comes off)
Nikolai: Damn, Nick, now everyone knows it’s a clip-on!
[Nikolai runs to the kitchen. Mr. Casablancas comes from upstairs.]
Mr. Casablancas (to Fab and Drew): Since you two work at the DMV, how about you make this parking ticket disappear?
[Mr. Casablancas hands Fab the ticket, who gives it to Drew.]
Drew: We can’t fix this, you parked in a fire lane.
Fab: Oh, Drew, please, (chuckles as he takes the ticket) we’re his guests. (To Mr. Casablancas) I will take care of it, little buddy.
Drew: No, Fab, he broke the law!
Mr. Casablancas: Broke the law! I was just getting some milk!
Drew: What if there was a fire?
Mr. Casablancas: Then I’d pour my milk on it!
[Mrs. Casablancas interrupts.]
Mrs. Casablancas: Ok, ok, let’s try another card. Um, if you could be anyone’s shoe, whose shoe would you be?
Juliet (joins in from the couch): I wouldn’t want to be Mr. Casablancas’s shoe, because I think it’s about to go on someone’s ass!
Mr. Casablancas: That’s it! I’m watching "America’s Next Top Model"!
[Mr. Casablancas leaves.]
Nick: I’m with you. (to Amanda) I’d follow Mr. Casablancas Clip-on.
[Nick leaves.]
Jules: Yeah, you know what? Me too.
[Jules stands up and heads for the kitchen door.]
Juliet: You’re leaving?
[Jules turns around.]
Jules: There are lasers going off right now! Perfectly synchronized lasers! And all of a sudden, you’re like, like, glazed dinner-rolls, shaking me down with your naughty places!
Fab: I’m going too, apparently we can eat a man’s food but we cannot fix his ticket!
[Fab leaves]
Mrs. Casablancas: What happened to my dinner-party!
Nikolai: I’m sorry, Mrs. Casablancas, but Mary-Lou Henderson only gets on a trampoline once a year, and I’m not going to miss it.
[Nikolai leaves in a hurry.]
[Kitchen. The women are there.]
Juliet: Where the hell does Jules get off acting like I make him do stuff? It not like I wanted us to come to this dinner party either! I only did because (sees Mrs. Casablancas and stops in mid-sentence). Well, you’re menopausing now and you scare me!
Mrs. Casablancas: Right, you came for me. It’s like I slaved over a pot-roast for all of you. You want a definition of Hell? Try opening a 400-degree oven while you’re having a hot flash.
Drew: We’re all here for someone else. You know why? It’s right there in front of us, girls! Women are giving.
Amanda (looks suspicious): I’m not giving! I’m here for me. Nick is the one that should be thinking about others. I mean how can he just ditch me?
Juliet: Well, it might have something to do with you trying to boss him around and then showing up with Nikolai.
Drew: She’s right.
Amanda (to Drew): I know she’s right. But you’re not part of the group, and I don’t like you so zip it!
[The basements, the guys, sit around watching the telly.]
Nikolai: Man, look at you guys, all forced to hide in the basement because of your women.
Jules: Hey, I’m not hiding from anyone. I finally set Juliet straight.
Nick: All you did was babble about lasers and naughty places. Man, I thought you were having a stroke.
Jules: Man for man, you caved just like Amanda wanted.
Nick: I didn’t cave. I just wanted to make sure Don Juan el Tardo here kept his hands off her.
Jules: Man, how do you explain the necktie?
Nick: I just came form a business meeting.
Mr. Casablancas: At least he’s putting up a fight! You just gave up! Like France.
Fab: Oh, get off his back, little buddy, you were at the party too.
Mr. Casablancas: Hey, I fought a good fight for thirty years. Now I just agree with what Mrs. Casablancas wants to do so I can go to sleep. (to Fab) And I’m not your little buddy.
Nikolai: Yeah, you’re all doomed. That’s funny.
Jules (stands up): No, were not all doomed, one man here still has a chance. One man, can take a stand for all of us. And that man’s name is F… well, we can’t pronounce his real name, so we call him Fab!
Fab looks surprised and objects.
Fab: I don’t want to take a stand, I just want Drew to be my girlfriend and give me nookie!
Jules: Fab, come on, give it a try, it’ll be like "America’s Next Top Model", think about it.
[Fab thinks.]
Fantasy sequence---------
[Game-show setting, "Battle of the Gender Stars" is written behind Nikolai, who is the show’s host.]
Nikolai: Welcome back to the "Battle of the Gender Stars", where it’s the gals with 50 points!
[The women, Amanda, Mrs. Casablancas and Juliet in Mr. Casablancas jackets and pants cheer.]
Nikolai: And the guys with zero.
[The guys, wearing blue, look beaten.]
Nikolai: But the guys still have a chance, because the final event is conveniently worth 51 points!
[Paris Hilton comes up to the guys, wearing the same track-suit (?) as the guys.]
Paris Hilton: You guys are pathetic!
Nick: Wow, that’s some tough talk, Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton: I’m switching to the gals’ team. I could do that because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.
[The audience and the gals applause.]
Nikolai: OK, now let’s meet our contestants. Representing the gals: the lovely Drew! And representing the guys: the lovely Fab!
[The contestants both get a padded pole from their team and proceed to meet each other on a narrow plank on top of a pool of mud.]
Nikolai: Fighters! Go!
[Drew and Fab try to smack each other with the poles, so one of them would fall into the mud. The teams cheer.]
Drew (stopping to talk to Fab): Oh, I forgot to tell you, we’re going antiquing all weekend!
Fab: Oh like hell we are! Fab smashes Drew on the head and she falls face forward into the mud.
[The guys roar and the gals (plus Paris Hilton) look disappointed.]
End fantasy sequence-------
Fab: I hate antiquing, let’s do this thing!
[Fab stands up.]
Jules (points victoriously at Fab): That right! Gentlemen, let’s go get our cojones back!
Mr. Casablancas (leaves after the guys): I gotta see this.
Nick (to Nikolai who is just about to sit down): Hey, man, you’re coming?
Nikolai: Nah, I still got my cojones. (to himself) My lonely, lonely cojones.
[The guys come into the kitchen where the girls are sharing some brownies.]
Juliet: Oh, look who it is, you bake a brownie and the bastards come running.
Jules: I’m afraid your brownies are powerless now. (To Fab) Fab has something to say. Fab.
Fab (with angry energy): Can I have a brownie!
Jules: Fab!
Fab: Right, right, right… (goes for the rehearsed speech) Drew, I insist you wear a Red sticker because I’m in charge.
Drew: Yeah, it’s not going to happen.
Fab: Okay. (smiles to Drew)
Jules (to Fab): Man, what the hell!
Fab (in a silent voice to Jules): I have needs. (Turns back to face Drew.) Drew, if I do everything you want, will you be my girlfriend?
Drew (looks happily at her gal-comrades before answering): Can’t say no to that!
Fab: I cannot believe it! I have a girlfriend!
[They kiss and Drew leads Fab to the screen-door.]
Fab: So when do we do it?
Mrs. Casablancas (stands up and walks past Mr. Casablancas): I’m not speaking to you.
Mr. Casablancas (looks content after she has left the room): Well at least it will be quiet enough to go to sleep.
Jules: OK, Juliet, when we came up here, Fab was supposed to, (turns around, waiting to see Juliet, but she is not in the room.) Juliet? Oh, crap
[Jules leaves. Amanda gets up and walks to Nick.]
Amanda: Hey, Nick…remember how you said that I was bossy. Weeell, I think you were right. So from now on, if I want you to do something, I’ll ask first.
Nick: Well, I’d…
Amanda (interrupting): Shhh, I’m talking! (realizing her mistake she covers her mouth with her hands) Oooh! I’m so sorry, there I go again. OK, here’s what I wanted to say: Would you like to go with me to the Girl Scout Alumni Pancake Breakfast?
Nick: Amanda, I rather put on a dress and slow-dance with Nikolai on Soul Train. (pauses) But since you asked nicely, I’ll go.
Amanda (clapping her hands): Yay! Oh, a, Nick, don’t forget to bring a spatula, because I signed you up as a flipper!
[Amanda rushes away.]
Nick (yelling after her): Hey, the flipper better be the guy that judges the Alumni bikini contest! (Turns around, annoyed) It’s not.
(Joslin kitchen. Juliet is there. Jules walks in.]
Jules: Juliet…
Juliet: Wait, let me guess… The Hives, The Hives, arboretum, dinner roll, The Hives. (Juliet, you forgot the naughty places!)
Jules: Yeah, listen…
Juliet: No, you listen. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, if it genetic of if you took a pill from your mother’s cabinet, but I’m through doing stuff for you because you don’t appreciate it.
Jules: Wow-o, wait, you’re doing stuff for me?
Juliet (surprised): Yeah, I went to that dinner-party to make you mother happy, and I went to the arboretum because you wanted to.
Jules: I wanted to? All I said was "look, the arboretum".
Juliet: It sounded like you wanted to go. I hate trees! I mean, oh, show me trees, does that sound like me?
[Juliet sits down.]
Jules: No. (he sits down too) Look, I’m sorry. I just…I thought you gonna make me do girlie crap for the rest of my life.
Juliet: Jules, come on, you know me way better than that.
Jules: Yeah, you’re right. So, would you like to go see The Hives next weekend?
Juliet: Oh, we can’t, I signed us up for this class. "Quilting for couples".
[Jules looks shocked.]
Juliet (laughs): I’m kidding!
[Jules is relieved.]
Juliet (stops laughing): It’s just for men. (continues her laugh)
FADE OUT
END OF STORY
Who's in it: Nearly every Strokes except for... Albert? Sorry...
Rating: PG-13 perhaps?
Disclaimer: Yes, it might be similiar to some crazy TV Show...
Feedback: That would be much appreaciated
Cross-posted: My Journal and Strokes Fan Fiction in Yahoo Groups!
The Girl I Love
In that mysterious cool-looking-very-wicked bar in Someday video clip, Nick, Fab and Nikolai looking at Sports Illustrated
Nick: Why would Sports illustrated even publish an issue "The son of swimsuit-issue"?
Nikolai: You know who should do a swimsuit issue? Playboy.
Nick: Why would you put clothes on a centerfold?
Nikolai: Sometimes I get tired of all the complete nakedness and I like to be teased a little.
[Nikolai sits down, stretches and taps his head]
Nikolai: Yeeeah, there is a lot more going on up here than you know about.
Nick: I think there is some stuff going on up there that you don’t know about.
[The door opens, Jules and Juliet enter.]
Juliet: You guys should come to the arboretum with us. We saw plants and trees from all over the world.
Jules: There is a bush from Morocco. Smelled like chocolate-chip cookies.
Fab: Ah, that is the perfect bush.
Juliet (to Jules): Thanks for taking me to the arboretum, it was really fun.
[Juliet and Jules kiss.]
Jules: Yeah, what a great day.
[Juliet leaves.]
Jules: What a HORRIBLE day! I don’t mind looking at some trees. Okay, when they put little signs on them, little Latin names …makes me want to harm myself.
Nikolai : So the missus took you out for some girl fun, huh?
Fab (analyzing): See, Juliet is hot, but she is mean. My girlfriend Drew, just hot.
Nick: You know, Fab, you talk a lot about this Drew-chick, but none of us has ever seen her.
Jules: Yeah, we actually starting to suspect that she is some creepy alter ego that you visit late at night in front of the mirror.
Fab: oh, no, I don’t do that anymore. But Drew is the real deal, Nikolai saw her at the DMV.
Nikolai: Eehhh, there were a lot of girls there, she could have been the one with the lazy eye that does the vision test.
Fab: Lazy-eye Lola? No way, she wouldn’t even look at me.
[The DMV, Drew and Fab stand behind the counter.]
Fab: Drew, my friends don’t believe you are my girlfriend even though I frenched you.
Drew: Girlfriend? I don’t know if were there yet. I mean I like you and all, it’s just that all the guys at the DMV seem great until you find them in your apartment wearing your hot-curlers. (She looks past Fab at another clerk) Warren!
Drew: I want to get to know you better, meet your friends, make sure they’re not puppets. (Again looks past Fab) Warren!
[Warren looks at her, irritated.]
Fab: Sooo. If they are not puppets, then would you be my girlfriend?
Drew: Mmmm, it would definitely help.
[They kiss. A guy from the group of customers looks at them.]
Guy: Are these lines open or not?
[They break the kiss.]
Fab: You’re right, I’m sorry
Drew: It was very unprofessional.
[Fab puts a sing saying "next window please" and they continue kissing.]
MRS. CASABLANCASITS
[Casablancas kitchen: Fab, Jules, Juliet, Amanda and Mrs. Casablancas (with Lizzie) present. Mrs. Casablancas and Amanda sit at the table, petting Lizzie, the rest hang out by the counter.]
Jules: So, we’re finally going to meet the mysterious, and possibly fictional, Drew!
Fab: Fictional? Points at the side of his neck. Does this hickey look fictional?
[Juliet and Jules examine the proof.]
Juliet: Huh, looks too small to be from the vacuum cleaner like last time.
[Amanda comes up.]
Amanda: Wait, let me see…Small, blotchy and uneven, ärgh, this girl is an amateur.
Fab: Let me see…Small, blotchy and unpleasant, yeah, this girl is an Amanda.
Mrs. Casablancas: Fab? I’m thrilled that you found a girl, because I was starting to worry. Eh-heh…But you’re proven me and the experts from Readers’ Digest wrong!
Fab: When I introduce her to everybody, I just want it to be special.
Mrs. Casablancas: Oh! Let’s have a formal dinner party tomorrow! You know it was at a dinner party that I first realized Mr. Casablancas was more than just a boy with great hair.
Fab: Sounds good, Miss Mrs. Casablancas. Oh, you may be a little past your prime, but your mind is still sharp.
[Mrs. Casablancas looks at Juliet to find out how to react.]
Jules: Oh, actually tomorrow night is not going to work, I thought we might go see The Hives.
Mrs. Casablancas: Well, you tell this fellow Hives, that you have a dinner party.
Jules: No, mom, The Hives is not a guy, The Hives is like the best live band in the planet… with lasers! Lasers like in Star Wars!!!
Juliet (reassuringly): Mrs. Casablancas, we will be here.
Jules: What, you rather go to a formal dinner party?
Juliet: Sure! Sounds great.
Amanda: And a, and don’t forget, Mrs. Casablancas, you can count Nick and me in. Yeah, I have been looking for an excuse to buy him a shirt with buttons.
Mrs. Casablancas: Since it’s a special occasion, you are all allowed one sip of wine….
Jules: Great! It will be like communion, but without the fun of church!
Chapter 2
[Basement, Amanda, Nick and Jules present, Nick and Jules are tossing cards into a hat.]
Amanda: So Nick, you know, I was thinking of getting you a pair of beige corduroys and maybe a blue blazer for the party.
Nick: oh, don’t forget the matching scarf and gloves. (pause) This way I will be nice and toasty when hell freezes over!
Jules (mock sympathy): Oh-o, Amanda, looks like Nick doesn’t wanna wear his big boy clothes.
Nick: No, I just don’t wanna go! (Motions towards Amanda) And you know you should have asked me before you said I would.
Amanda: Nick! I am you girlfriend. I speak for you now!
Nick: Well then tell yourself I said to bite me, because I’m not going.
Amanda: Oh, you are soooo going! So just bite yourself!
[Amanda leaves.]
Nick: Man, do you believe that crap?
Jules: Tell me about it. Juliet wants to go to a dinner-party, we go to a dinner-party. If she wants to go to an arboretum, BANG, I’m in a room full of trees. (Pause) God, I hate trees. So tall and arrogant.
Nick: So why don’t you just not go?
Jules: Ergh, it’s just one day.
Nick: Not for you man, you’re engaged. It’s Latin for ’screwed for life’.
Jules: Oh my god, you’re right! And I have no choice, I have to do what she says, or she will not let me touch her naughty places! (pause) Nick, this is extortion!
Nick: You’re telling me? I’ve been shaken down by a 95-pound blonde with pink toenails!
CHAPTER 3
[Casablancas kitchen. Mrs. Casablancas takes three bottles of wine from a box, Mr. Casablancas walks by and spots the bottles.]
Mr. Casablancas: Mrs. Casablancas? I know this change of life has upset you, but we just bought wine the other day. What are you doing, brushing your teeth with this stuff?
Mrs. Casablancas: Mr. Casablancas, it’s not for me. (Looks at the bottle in her hand) Now, this one is. (Puts the bottle into the cupboard) We’re having a dinner-party tomorrow night.
Mr. Casablancas: No, can’t do it. America’s Next Top Model is on!
[Mrs. Casablancas looks puzzled.]
Mr. Casablancas: See, once a year, they make TV-stars compete at things they’re not good at. I look forward all season, to watching American Idol, Simon Cowell... (Pause) V. Inspirational…
Mrs. Casablancas: Well you shouldn’t feel superior, because you know what I know about Simon Cowell? Simon Cowell would come to my dinner-party, because he knows how to treat a woman.
Mr. Casablancas: Did you say dinner party? See, I thought you… oh, screw it, I’ll be there
[Nikolai, who has been lurking behind the screen door, has now entered and is casually leaning against the door-frame.]
Nikolai: What is this about a party?
Mrs. Casablancas (excited): Oh, well, we’re having a party tomorrow night for Fab and Drew. (Mrs. Casablancas grins) I’ve invited all the kids.
Nikolai: I’m a kid…
Mrs. Casablancas: Well, it’s for couples only. You can come if you bring a date.
Nikolai: Well, it’s too late to find a date. Yeah, I’m sweet looking, but I’m no miracle-worker.
Mrs. Casablancas: Well maybe if you’d stop jumping from girl to girl, you wouldn’t be alone, you’re no Jude Law, you know!
Nikolai (pointing at Mrs. Casablancas): You know, you used to be nice, but you’ve changed, lady!
CHAPTER 4
[Casablancas driveway, Jules, Fab and Amanda leans against a car, Nick is shooting hoops.]
Fab: Guys, I really want Drew to like me, so please, avoid the following topics: (pause) my addiction to candy, the fact that I have needs and my use of Alberto VO5 hot-oil treatment.
Amanda: Fab, what does she care what you use on your hair?
Fab: Oh, I do not use it on my hair.
[Nikolai comes from the house.]
Nikolai: Well, I heard about your secret couples-party. (He sits between Amanda and Fab) And I’m glad I’m not going because I hate parties.
Jules: Hey man, I’m only going because Juliet is making me. At this rate, the only way I’ll see The Hives is if they project it on a leaf-canopy at the arboretum.
Nick: So, don’t go to the party. Act tough, Casablancas.
Jules: I’m not tough.
Nick: That’s why I said act. (pause) No one is making me go, that’s for sure.
Amanda: Oooh, that is it, Nick! As your girlfriend, I am ordering you to go to this party!
Nick. And as your boyfriend, I’m ordering you to take your bossy mouth and flap it elsewhere!
[They stand and stare at each other)
Nikolai: You’d flapping at me, I’ll go with you.
Amanda: You hear that, Nick? Michael wants to go to the party with me.
Nick: I’m not going to the party.
Amanda: Fine. Michael, I would love to go to the party with you.
Nikolai: Kickass! I love parties!
[Amanda drags Nikolai away by his jacket.]
CHAPTER 4
[Living room, apparently after the dinner. Everybody present, including Drew, excluding Nick. Drew and Fab sit by the piano, Mr. Casablancas at his chair, Mrs. Casablancas stands beside him and all the rest have squeezed themselves onto the couch.]
Mrs. Casablancas: Okay, now! These are called after dinner conversation cards. Lets try one. (Mrs. Casablancas does her trademark laugh) If you were a bird where would you fly? Juliet?
[Juliet looks surprised.]
Juliet: Um, south? I don’t know, I’m nervous, I feel like I’m on Jeopardy.
[Jules raises his hand.]
Jules: If I were a bird, I’d fly to The Hives.
Nikolai (like he just found the ultimate answer): I’d fly to Tahiti, co’ the girls there don’t wear tops! Wait, but then I ’d want to change back to myself because no lady wants to make it with birds. (Pause) Wait, can I be a monkey?
Mrs. Casablancas: Okay. Drew!
Drew: I’d fly to my favourite place, the DMV!
Fab: I was just going to say that!
[They hug.]
Mrs. Casablancas: Mr. Casablancas, we haven’t heard a beep out of you.
Mr. Casablancas (deadpan): If I was a bird, I would fly into a ceiling-fan.
[Nick enters, looking defeated.]
Amanda: Oooh, Nick, you came, just like I thought you would. You buckled!
Nick: No, I got hungry. (Looks at Nikolai) You’re in my seat! (Tries to lift Nikolai up by his tie but it comes off)
Nikolai: Damn, Nick, now everyone knows it’s a clip-on!
[Nikolai runs to the kitchen. Mr. Casablancas comes from upstairs.]
Mr. Casablancas (to Fab and Drew): Since you two work at the DMV, how about you make this parking ticket disappear?
[Mr. Casablancas hands Fab the ticket, who gives it to Drew.]
Drew: We can’t fix this, you parked in a fire lane.
Fab: Oh, Drew, please, (chuckles as he takes the ticket) we’re his guests. (To Mr. Casablancas) I will take care of it, little buddy.
Drew: No, Fab, he broke the law!
Mr. Casablancas: Broke the law! I was just getting some milk!
Drew: What if there was a fire?
Mr. Casablancas: Then I’d pour my milk on it!
[Mrs. Casablancas interrupts.]
Mrs. Casablancas: Ok, ok, let’s try another card. Um, if you could be anyone’s shoe, whose shoe would you be?
Juliet (joins in from the couch): I wouldn’t want to be Mr. Casablancas’s shoe, because I think it’s about to go on someone’s ass!
Mr. Casablancas: That’s it! I’m watching "America’s Next Top Model"!
[Mr. Casablancas leaves.]
Nick: I’m with you. (to Amanda) I’d follow Mr. Casablancas Clip-on.
[Nick leaves.]
Jules: Yeah, you know what? Me too.
[Jules stands up and heads for the kitchen door.]
Juliet: You’re leaving?
[Jules turns around.]
Jules: There are lasers going off right now! Perfectly synchronized lasers! And all of a sudden, you’re like, like, glazed dinner-rolls, shaking me down with your naughty places!
Fab: I’m going too, apparently we can eat a man’s food but we cannot fix his ticket!
[Fab leaves]
Mrs. Casablancas: What happened to my dinner-party!
Nikolai: I’m sorry, Mrs. Casablancas, but Mary-Lou Henderson only gets on a trampoline once a year, and I’m not going to miss it.
[Nikolai leaves in a hurry.]
[Kitchen. The women are there.]
Juliet: Where the hell does Jules get off acting like I make him do stuff? It not like I wanted us to come to this dinner party either! I only did because (sees Mrs. Casablancas and stops in mid-sentence). Well, you’re menopausing now and you scare me!
Mrs. Casablancas: Right, you came for me. It’s like I slaved over a pot-roast for all of you. You want a definition of Hell? Try opening a 400-degree oven while you’re having a hot flash.
Drew: We’re all here for someone else. You know why? It’s right there in front of us, girls! Women are giving.
Amanda (looks suspicious): I’m not giving! I’m here for me. Nick is the one that should be thinking about others. I mean how can he just ditch me?
Juliet: Well, it might have something to do with you trying to boss him around and then showing up with Nikolai.
Drew: She’s right.
Amanda (to Drew): I know she’s right. But you’re not part of the group, and I don’t like you so zip it!
[The basements, the guys, sit around watching the telly.]
Nikolai: Man, look at you guys, all forced to hide in the basement because of your women.
Jules: Hey, I’m not hiding from anyone. I finally set Juliet straight.
Nick: All you did was babble about lasers and naughty places. Man, I thought you were having a stroke.
Jules: Man for man, you caved just like Amanda wanted.
Nick: I didn’t cave. I just wanted to make sure Don Juan el Tardo here kept his hands off her.
Jules: Man, how do you explain the necktie?
Nick: I just came form a business meeting.
Mr. Casablancas: At least he’s putting up a fight! You just gave up! Like France.
Fab: Oh, get off his back, little buddy, you were at the party too.
Mr. Casablancas: Hey, I fought a good fight for thirty years. Now I just agree with what Mrs. Casablancas wants to do so I can go to sleep. (to Fab) And I’m not your little buddy.
Nikolai: Yeah, you’re all doomed. That’s funny.
Jules (stands up): No, were not all doomed, one man here still has a chance. One man, can take a stand for all of us. And that man’s name is F… well, we can’t pronounce his real name, so we call him Fab!
Fab looks surprised and objects.
Fab: I don’t want to take a stand, I just want Drew to be my girlfriend and give me nookie!
Jules: Fab, come on, give it a try, it’ll be like "America’s Next Top Model", think about it.
[Fab thinks.]
Fantasy sequence---------
[Game-show setting, "Battle of the Gender Stars" is written behind Nikolai, who is the show’s host.]
Nikolai: Welcome back to the "Battle of the Gender Stars", where it’s the gals with 50 points!
[The women, Amanda, Mrs. Casablancas and Juliet in Mr. Casablancas jackets and pants cheer.]
Nikolai: And the guys with zero.
[The guys, wearing blue, look beaten.]
Nikolai: But the guys still have a chance, because the final event is conveniently worth 51 points!
[Paris Hilton comes up to the guys, wearing the same track-suit (?) as the guys.]
Paris Hilton: You guys are pathetic!
Nick: Wow, that’s some tough talk, Paris Hilton.
Paris Hilton: I’m switching to the gals’ team. I could do that because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.
[The audience and the gals applause.]
Nikolai: OK, now let’s meet our contestants. Representing the gals: the lovely Drew! And representing the guys: the lovely Fab!
[The contestants both get a padded pole from their team and proceed to meet each other on a narrow plank on top of a pool of mud.]
Nikolai: Fighters! Go!
[Drew and Fab try to smack each other with the poles, so one of them would fall into the mud. The teams cheer.]
Drew (stopping to talk to Fab): Oh, I forgot to tell you, we’re going antiquing all weekend!
Fab: Oh like hell we are! Fab smashes Drew on the head and she falls face forward into the mud.
[The guys roar and the gals (plus Paris Hilton) look disappointed.]
End fantasy sequence-------
Fab: I hate antiquing, let’s do this thing!
[Fab stands up.]
Jules (points victoriously at Fab): That right! Gentlemen, let’s go get our cojones back!
Mr. Casablancas (leaves after the guys): I gotta see this.
Nick (to Nikolai who is just about to sit down): Hey, man, you’re coming?
Nikolai: Nah, I still got my cojones. (to himself) My lonely, lonely cojones.
[The guys come into the kitchen where the girls are sharing some brownies.]
Juliet: Oh, look who it is, you bake a brownie and the bastards come running.
Jules: I’m afraid your brownies are powerless now. (To Fab) Fab has something to say. Fab.
Fab (with angry energy): Can I have a brownie!
Jules: Fab!
Fab: Right, right, right… (goes for the rehearsed speech) Drew, I insist you wear a Red sticker because I’m in charge.
Drew: Yeah, it’s not going to happen.
Fab: Okay. (smiles to Drew)
Jules (to Fab): Man, what the hell!
Fab (in a silent voice to Jules): I have needs. (Turns back to face Drew.) Drew, if I do everything you want, will you be my girlfriend?
Drew (looks happily at her gal-comrades before answering): Can’t say no to that!
Fab: I cannot believe it! I have a girlfriend!
[They kiss and Drew leads Fab to the screen-door.]
Fab: So when do we do it?
Mrs. Casablancas (stands up and walks past Mr. Casablancas): I’m not speaking to you.
Mr. Casablancas (looks content after she has left the room): Well at least it will be quiet enough to go to sleep.
Jules: OK, Juliet, when we came up here, Fab was supposed to, (turns around, waiting to see Juliet, but she is not in the room.) Juliet? Oh, crap
[Jules leaves. Amanda gets up and walks to Nick.]
Amanda: Hey, Nick…remember how you said that I was bossy. Weeell, I think you were right. So from now on, if I want you to do something, I’ll ask first.
Nick: Well, I’d…
Amanda (interrupting): Shhh, I’m talking! (realizing her mistake she covers her mouth with her hands) Oooh! I’m so sorry, there I go again. OK, here’s what I wanted to say: Would you like to go with me to the Girl Scout Alumni Pancake Breakfast?
Nick: Amanda, I rather put on a dress and slow-dance with Nikolai on Soul Train. (pauses) But since you asked nicely, I’ll go.
Amanda (clapping her hands): Yay! Oh, a, Nick, don’t forget to bring a spatula, because I signed you up as a flipper!
[Amanda rushes away.]
Nick (yelling after her): Hey, the flipper better be the guy that judges the Alumni bikini contest! (Turns around, annoyed) It’s not.
(Joslin kitchen. Juliet is there. Jules walks in.]
Jules: Juliet…
Juliet: Wait, let me guess… The Hives, The Hives, arboretum, dinner roll, The Hives. (Juliet, you forgot the naughty places!)
Jules: Yeah, listen…
Juliet: No, you listen. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, if it genetic of if you took a pill from your mother’s cabinet, but I’m through doing stuff for you because you don’t appreciate it.
Jules: Wow-o, wait, you’re doing stuff for me?
Juliet (surprised): Yeah, I went to that dinner-party to make you mother happy, and I went to the arboretum because you wanted to.
Jules: I wanted to? All I said was "look, the arboretum".
Juliet: It sounded like you wanted to go. I hate trees! I mean, oh, show me trees, does that sound like me?
[Juliet sits down.]
Jules: No. (he sits down too) Look, I’m sorry. I just…I thought you gonna make me do girlie crap for the rest of my life.
Juliet: Jules, come on, you know me way better than that.
Jules: Yeah, you’re right. So, would you like to go see The Hives next weekend?
Juliet: Oh, we can’t, I signed us up for this class. "Quilting for couples".
[Jules looks shocked.]
Juliet (laughs): I’m kidding!
[Jules is relieved.]
Juliet (stops laughing): It’s just for men. (continues her laugh)
FADE OUT
END OF STORY