SUPER FICTION!!!
Title: Heartbreaker
Who's in it: Nearly every Strokes except for Niko. Sorry...
Rating: PG-13 perhaps?
Disclaimer: Yes, it might be similiar to some crazy TV Show...
Feedback: PLEASE! Anything!!! And plz I want your suggestions for the title of this fiction too okay...
Cross-posted: My Journal only!
Heartbreaker
(Casablancas kitchen, right where we last left off. Albert has just spotted Summer, and Nick.)
ALBERT: (Chuckles) Why is Nick kissing Summer? (Jules and Marissa stay silent with sympathetic looks on their faces.) What the hell? He's dead.
MARISSA: Albert!
(Albert storms to the door and tries to open it but can't as Summer and Nick leave together.)
ALBERT: Open, damn it! No, they're getting away! What is wrong with this thing?
JULES: Well, this is against my better judgment, but… (He reaches over and flips the lock).
ALBERT: Thank you. Now, Nick's really dead. (He walks through the door but runs into the screen and stops as it falls through the framing.) Ow! That's invisible!
ACT ONE
CHAPTER ONE
(Casablancas kitchen where we last left off. Jules guides Albert to sit down at the table then turns to Marissa.)
JULES: Marissa, we have to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding and lots of it.
(Marissa nods and walks to the fridge.)
ALBERT: Who chooses a chick over a friend?
JULES: What? Albert, come on. Remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted ten extra minutes to make out with Pam Macy?
ALBERT: No, but I didn't steal Pam Macy from you, and you could've played in the snow until we were done.
MARISSA: Albert, try to look at the facts. Summer wanted to get married, so you bailed, so she found someone else, so now she doesn't want to marry you. This solves your problem. Albeit with an unpleasant twist ending.
ALBERT: No, I don't care. I'm kicking Nick's ass.
JULES: Whoa, Albert, Albert, come on. You couldn't open my kitchen door. I mean…
MARISSA: Seriously. Think about how this plan usually turns out.
[FLASHBACKS]
(Casablancas basement, Albert spits a wad of gum out into Nick's hair. Nick grabs him around the neck and pulls him down onto the couch backwards.)
ALBERT: Aah! (Nick grabs Albert's head.) Unh! That's my eye!
(Casablancas porch by the driveway. Nick walks out of the kitchen with a plate of food.)
NICK: Heh, heh, heh! Nice. (He sets the food down on the railing and walks back in the kitchen for a Moment. Albert takes the opportunity and licks everything on the plate.)
JULES: Uh-oh.
(Nick comes back out with a glass of milk and notices what Albert's doing and grabs him in a headlock. They wrestle a bit.)
ALBERT: Ow! My eye! (He storms home.)
(Casablancas driveway. Nick is waxing the El Camino. He walks into the garage for a Moment. Albert stands up and pulls his pants down and sits on the hood of the car, leaving a butt print. Nick comes out and sees it.)
NICK: Bastard!
ALBERT: (Running and laughing.) No, stop! It's my butt print. Look at it! No two are the same-ow! (Nick tackles Albert.) My eye!
[end FLASHBACKS]
(Casablancas kitchen, back in the current time.)
ALBERT: What am I supposed to do? I mean, he broke the code. He's wrong.
MARISSA: You know what? You're right.
ALBERT: He's like my oldest friend, and he stabbed me in the back.
(Marissa smiles and hands him the large bowl of pudding. He takes it and begins eating it.)
MARISSA: (sits down.) So, Albert, how many things around here have you put your butt on?
ALBERT: Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.
CHAPTER TWO
(Casablancas kitchen, Ryan is sitting at the table, Lonneke's at the phone, and Nick and Jules are at the counter.)
LONNEKE: Oh, just a moment. Ryan, it's somebody about buying the Corvette.
RYAN: Ugh.
JULES: (in a wussy English accent) Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?
NICK: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
JULES: Ahh!
RYAN: Idiots. I am about to sell something special to me because we're having another baby, and to do that, I have to believe that this child won't turn out a smart ass. (The boys walk to the table and sit down. Ryan picks up the receiver.) Hello. Yes. Don't call here again. (He slams the receiver down and walks back to the table with Lonneke following him.)
LONNEKE: Well, what happened?
RYAN: Oh, the guy sounded like he was eating. I don't want some fat bastard eating in my car.
LONNEKE: Anyway, I'm going to the doctor's this afternoon (continues in singsong voice) because I'm pregnant! (She points at Jules.) Oh, oh, and you're picking our parents up from the airport. I'm going to tell them that (continues in singsong voice) I'm pregnant!
RYAN: They get in from Hawaii at 5:00. You know, I was hoping when they moved to Arizona they'd get lost in the desert. (Lonneke looks at him unamused.)
NICK: What's wrong with your parents.
LONNEKE: Nothing. They're just-they're…very complicated people who can't be summed up in a couple of words.
JULES: Mom yells. Dad drinks.
RYAN: That pretty much summed it up.
LONNEKE: Now, that is not true. Our father is a wonderful man who just gets a little sleepy. And our mother, well…fine, is a little remote. Which, I have learned through many helpful books, makes it impossible for her to say "I love you." Even if it's the only thing in the world a sad little girl needs to hear. (She turns to Jules.) And which is why I say it to you every day. Jules, I love you. (She hugs him and gives him a kiss as Nick laughs. She turns to him.) And you, too, Nicky. I love you! (She gives him a hug and kiss, too.)
NICK: Yeah, no, that's okay, you don't have to-no, that's all right-ok, I love you, too!
*********
(Casablancas basement, Jules and Marissa sit next to each other on the couch and Nick sits on the opposite arm of the couch.)
ALBERT: I can't believe that you knew that Summer and Nick were together and you didn't tell me.
JULES: We…barely knew.
MARISSA: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
JULES: Like radioactive spiders.
ALBERT: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Nick do this to me?
(Lonneke and Fab walk down the stairs.)
LONNEKE: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
FAB: Finally.
ALBERT: What, your Sis knew?! And Fab?! Fab never knows anything!
FAB: I know. I'm really coming into my own.
ALBERT: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Nick not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
MARISSA: How are you gonna do that?
ALBERT: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
LONNEKE: I'm gonna go find an eye patch. (She runs up the stairs. Fab sits down in Nick's chair.)
JULES: So what are you gonna say?
ALBERT: Oh, it'll come to me in the Moment.
MARISSA: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
ALBERT: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
FAB: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
ALBERT: Oh, you just wait and see.
(Nick walks in and Albert gets up out of the chair and clears his throat.)
NICK: What's up?
ALBERT: That's an interesting question, *Nick*. What *is* up?
NICK: Well, I guess you know about me and Summer.
ALBERT: Aha! So the battle of wits has begun!
NICK: What battle of wits? I admit it. I'm messing around with Summer.
ALBERT: I hate you! (He runs at Nick, who dodges and knocks him into the speaker.) Ow! My eye! (He storms out of the basement and Nick turns to the others.)
CHAPTER THREE
(The BMW Z3, John and Mrs. Casablancas are in the front seat with John driving. Jules and Marissa are in the back seat.)
MARISSA: Thanks again for the dream catchers.
JOHN: A blind Indian with three fingers made those. It was quite a thing to watch.
JULES: Wow, I wonder if him being blind had something to do with the losing the fingers.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Actually, I think they were taken as part of a primitive manhood ritual.
MARISSA: So, Jules, I kind of like your parents. What were you so worried about?
JULES: Wait for it.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: John, Sweetie, I think that car's trying to pass. Why don't you move over?
JOHN: Oh, he's fine.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Honey, I really think you should move over.
JOHN: Sweetie, he can go around.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: (yelling) Move!
JOHN: I'm moving.
(Marissa looks at Jules with a wary expression. He gives her an "I told you so" look.)
CHAPTER FOUR
(Cooper kitchen. Marissa is making a sandwich and Summer is watching her.)
MARISSA: And when he saw you guys kissing, he just fell apart. I mean, it was awful. And then he ran into the screen door.
SUMMER: Ohh. He's just so bad at doors.
MARISSA: Look… if you don't work things out with Albert everybody's gonna choose sides and nobody's gonna be friends anymore. (They walk to the table; Marissa's carrying two sandwiches and places them down onto the table.)
SUMMER: Well, that's not my fault. Look, he deserted me. He broke my heart. I didn't do anything wrong.
MARISSA: (she pulls two cans of soda from the fridge.) You're dating his best friend! You've gotta talk to him. You owe him an explanation.
SUMMER: Ugh! That's just so not the way I wanted to spend the day.
MARISSA: Well, I didn't want to spend the day wiping tears and pudding off of Albert's cheek.
*********
(Casablancas living room. Ryan is in his chair, Mrs. Casablancas and Jules on the couch, and John at the bar with a full glass of scotch.)
MRS. CASABLANCAS: John, honey, why don't you come over and sit with us?
JOHN: I'm fine here.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: We'd really like it if you would sit and join the party.
JOHN: I'm part of the party right here.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: (Yells) Sit!
(Everyone jumps and John sits down next to Jules. There is an awkward silence.)
RYAN: So, John, you're looking fit.
JOHN: Dry heat and central air, that's the key.
RYAN: Uh-huh.
JOHN: I've even got an air-conditioned garage. We could go from the house to the car without ever feeling the heat.
JULES: Wow. They literally never have to breathe fresh air, wow!
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Who needs it?
RYAN: Yep. Well, those are some real nice sandals, John. Hardly ever see those on men.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Also made by the handicapped Indian. What spirit.
(Lonneke walks in from the kitchen and stops when she sees her family.)
LONNEKE: Oh, um, everybody's here. (Everyone stands up.) Hello, mom, daddy.
RYAN: Lonneke, tell everyone your wonderful news. Quick.
LONNEKE: Um, I'd really rather not right now, Ryan.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: But that's why we’re here.
JULES: Yeah, for the love of God, sis, tell them.
LONNEKE: No, I said not right now.
RYAN: Lonneke, they came all this way.
JULES: Yeah, come on.
LONNEKE: Fine. You want to hear the big news? The doctor told me I just got my period a little late.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Lonneke! Language!
RYAN: You're not pregnant?
LONNEKE: No, no, just barren. Talk about that. (She storms out of the room. And Ryan goes after her.)
ACT TWO
CHAPTER ONE
(Casablancas Kitchen. Lonneke is making cookies and Ryan and Jules are watching her, unsure of what to do.)
JULES: Sis, I'm really sorry. I knew you wanted a baby, but I'm not really sure what to say, I'm not really sure what period is. Are you gonna, like, lose your hair?
(Lonneke glares at him.)
RYAN: Shut up. She's not losing anything. This just means-from time to time-a woman's body-ahem! Lonneke, explain it to the boy.
(Lonneke glares at him and Mrs. Casablancas walks in.)
MRS. CASABLANCAS: I'm just getting some juice.
JULES: Hey, sis. Maybe you should talk to mom about this.
RYAN: Well, that's an idea. I mean, we're just ignoramuses.
LONNEKE: Ok, ok, scoot.
(Ryan and Jules walk to the door.)
JULES: Is it-is it like a lady parts thing?
RYAN: We'll look it up in the world book.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Oh, those cookies look good.
LONNEKE: Well, thanks. I'm sorry I made a scene.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Oh, you were just tired.
LONNEKE: No, I wasn't just tired. Mom, I'm having a really hard time here. Did it hit you this hard, too?
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Did what, Dear?
LONNEKE: Say… ‘Menopause’.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Oh! I never had it.
LONNEKE: Mom, everybody has it.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables.
LONNEKE: Not me mom! I’m friggin’ 26! You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Well, I didn't.
LONNEKE: Yes, you did!
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Well, it doesn't matter, because it's not nice to talk about.
LONNEKE: Well, not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why don't you ever really talk to me?
MRS. CASABLANCAS: I told you I liked your cookies. I'm gonna find your father. (She walks out the sliding door and yells.) John!
JOHN: (Peeking into the kitchen.) Is she gone?
LONNEKE: You know, that woman is crazy.
JOHN: Your mother just doesn't know how to talk to people. If she yells at you, she really means that she's sorry you're upset. And if she breaks all your golf clubs, she really means "Happy Anniversary."
LONNEKE: Oh, daddy, I love you. (She gives him a hug, which he returns.)
JOHN: I love you, pumpkin, and so does your mother.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: (Yelling from outside.) John!
JOHN: You never saw me. (He leaves the kitchen via the living room door.)
*********
(Casablancas basement. Fab and Marissa are sitting on the couch and Nick is putting a record on the record player. Albert storms in wearing ski goggles. He grabs the record out of Nick's hands and throws it across the room.)
ALBERT: Try to get my eye now! (Nick looks at him a moment then kicks his knee.) Aah!
(A few minutes later Albert is laying across the couch with Nick sitting on his back, pinning him down.)
ALBERT: Nick, get off!
NICK: Not until you calm down!
FAB: (Gives Albert a wet willy.) Ahh! A wet one!
ALBERT: Fab, I'm gonna get free eventually, and I'm gonna kick your ass.
(Fab gives him another wet willy.)
NICK: Albert, look, man, we need to settle this.
ALBERT: No, I don't want to settle this. I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is pound you so you can feel as bad as I do!
NICK: (Thinks about it and stands up.) Fine. Fair enough. Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.
ALBERT: You gonna hit me back?
NICK: No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.
ALBERT: Oh. Ok. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.
FAB: We're ready! Do it, fool!
ALBERT: You know what? Forget it. It's not gonna change anything. I just…forget it. (He sits down on the couch.)
NICK: Look, Albert…I didn't plan for this, but…look, I'm sorry, ok? I'm-I'm really sorry.
FAB & MARISSA: Aww!
NICK: Would you get bent?
ALBERT: So what are we gonna do now?
MARISSA: I'll tell you what you guys are gonna do. You two are gonna shake hands, and you're gonna be done with it.
ALBERT: Nuh-uh.
MARISSA: Come on. Give it a try. Shake hands.
ALBERT: I don't wanna.
MARISSA: (Yells.) Shake!
(Everyone jumps and Albert and Nick shake hands half-heartedly.)
*********
(Casablancas porch between kitchen and driveway. Albert has an ice pack on his eye and is pouting. Summer walks up.)
SUMMER: Hey.
ALBERT: Well, well. Look who it is.
SUMMER: Ugh. Look, Albie, I'm glad I found you. How's your eye?
ALBERT: What do you care?
SUMMER: Ok, look, Albie, I know we should've told you sooner, but I'm not gonna say I'm sorry, because I wanted you, and you left and broke my heart. And I like Nicky now, so you need to get over it so we can be friends again.
ALBERT: Apology accepted.
SUMMER: (Grabs the ice pack.) Here, let me help you. (She reapplies the pack to the sore area.)
ALBERT: Ow! My eye.
SUMMER: Yeah.
*********
(Ryan and Lonneke's bedroom. Lonneke is putting curlers in her hair and Ryan enters.)
RYAN: Hey. How you doing?
LONNEKE: Oh, great. It's so nice to no longer be a woman.
RYAN: Lonneke, that's not true. You know I've been-I've been trying to think what I could do to make you feel better, and I finally came up with something. (He sits down next to Lonneke.) I sent your parents home early.
LONNEKE: That kind of helps. I just-I really wanted to be pregnant.
RYAN: You know what the real kicker is? This morning, when we thought you were still pregnant, I sold my Corvette.
(Lonneke looks at him and begins laughing hysterically. She gives him a hug.)
CHAPTER TWO
(Casablancas living room. Ryan and Jules are sitting on the couch looking at the World Book.)
JULES: "Memorial day, meningitis-" Ok, here we go. "Menopause."
RYAN: Good God. I didn't think they'd have pictures.
JULES: Well…at least they use the word "uterus" a lot.
RYAN: I could've gone a whole lifetime without knowing they had a mucus membrane.
JULES: You know, you just-you can't unlearn something like that, you know? Oh, no, look at the symptoms. "Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair." Uh-oh, Ryan…I think you have menopause.
(Ryan shoots annoyed looks at Jules.)
TAG
(BMW Z3, Jules is driving, John is next to him in the front seat. Marissa and Mrs. Casablancas are in the back seat.)
MARISSA: Hey, Jules, can you hand me a cookie?
JULES: Um, I can't reach while I'm driving.
MARISSA: Come on, please? Just one cookie.
JULES: Just wait till I stop.
MARISSA: (Yells.) Cookie!
(Jules reaches down and hands her a cookie.)
MRS. CASABLANCAS: You know, Marissa, you catch more flies with sugar. Right, John?
(John snores, faking sleeping. Everyone looks at him.)
FADE OUT
Who's in it: Nearly every Strokes except for Niko. Sorry...
Rating: PG-13 perhaps?
Disclaimer: Yes, it might be similiar to some crazy TV Show...
Feedback: PLEASE! Anything!!! And plz I want your suggestions for the title of this fiction too okay...
Cross-posted: My Journal only!
Heartbreaker
(Casablancas kitchen, right where we last left off. Albert has just spotted Summer, and Nick.)
ALBERT: (Chuckles) Why is Nick kissing Summer? (Jules and Marissa stay silent with sympathetic looks on their faces.) What the hell? He's dead.
MARISSA: Albert!
(Albert storms to the door and tries to open it but can't as Summer and Nick leave together.)
ALBERT: Open, damn it! No, they're getting away! What is wrong with this thing?
JULES: Well, this is against my better judgment, but… (He reaches over and flips the lock).
ALBERT: Thank you. Now, Nick's really dead. (He walks through the door but runs into the screen and stops as it falls through the framing.) Ow! That's invisible!
ACT ONE
CHAPTER ONE
(Casablancas kitchen where we last left off. Jules guides Albert to sit down at the table then turns to Marissa.)
JULES: Marissa, we have to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding and lots of it.
(Marissa nods and walks to the fridge.)
ALBERT: Who chooses a chick over a friend?
JULES: What? Albert, come on. Remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted ten extra minutes to make out with Pam Macy?
ALBERT: No, but I didn't steal Pam Macy from you, and you could've played in the snow until we were done.
MARISSA: Albert, try to look at the facts. Summer wanted to get married, so you bailed, so she found someone else, so now she doesn't want to marry you. This solves your problem. Albeit with an unpleasant twist ending.
ALBERT: No, I don't care. I'm kicking Nick's ass.
JULES: Whoa, Albert, Albert, come on. You couldn't open my kitchen door. I mean…
MARISSA: Seriously. Think about how this plan usually turns out.
[FLASHBACKS]
(Casablancas basement, Albert spits a wad of gum out into Nick's hair. Nick grabs him around the neck and pulls him down onto the couch backwards.)
ALBERT: Aah! (Nick grabs Albert's head.) Unh! That's my eye!
(Casablancas porch by the driveway. Nick walks out of the kitchen with a plate of food.)
NICK: Heh, heh, heh! Nice. (He sets the food down on the railing and walks back in the kitchen for a Moment. Albert takes the opportunity and licks everything on the plate.)
JULES: Uh-oh.
(Nick comes back out with a glass of milk and notices what Albert's doing and grabs him in a headlock. They wrestle a bit.)
ALBERT: Ow! My eye! (He storms home.)
(Casablancas driveway. Nick is waxing the El Camino. He walks into the garage for a Moment. Albert stands up and pulls his pants down and sits on the hood of the car, leaving a butt print. Nick comes out and sees it.)
NICK: Bastard!
ALBERT: (Running and laughing.) No, stop! It's my butt print. Look at it! No two are the same-ow! (Nick tackles Albert.) My eye!
[end FLASHBACKS]
(Casablancas kitchen, back in the current time.)
ALBERT: What am I supposed to do? I mean, he broke the code. He's wrong.
MARISSA: You know what? You're right.
ALBERT: He's like my oldest friend, and he stabbed me in the back.
(Marissa smiles and hands him the large bowl of pudding. He takes it and begins eating it.)
MARISSA: (sits down.) So, Albert, how many things around here have you put your butt on?
ALBERT: Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.
CHAPTER TWO
(Casablancas kitchen, Ryan is sitting at the table, Lonneke's at the phone, and Nick and Jules are at the counter.)
LONNEKE: Oh, just a moment. Ryan, it's somebody about buying the Corvette.
RYAN: Ugh.
JULES: (in a wussy English accent) Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?
NICK: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
JULES: Ahh!
RYAN: Idiots. I am about to sell something special to me because we're having another baby, and to do that, I have to believe that this child won't turn out a smart ass. (The boys walk to the table and sit down. Ryan picks up the receiver.) Hello. Yes. Don't call here again. (He slams the receiver down and walks back to the table with Lonneke following him.)
LONNEKE: Well, what happened?
RYAN: Oh, the guy sounded like he was eating. I don't want some fat bastard eating in my car.
LONNEKE: Anyway, I'm going to the doctor's this afternoon (continues in singsong voice) because I'm pregnant! (She points at Jules.) Oh, oh, and you're picking our parents up from the airport. I'm going to tell them that (continues in singsong voice) I'm pregnant!
RYAN: They get in from Hawaii at 5:00. You know, I was hoping when they moved to Arizona they'd get lost in the desert. (Lonneke looks at him unamused.)
NICK: What's wrong with your parents.
LONNEKE: Nothing. They're just-they're…very complicated people who can't be summed up in a couple of words.
JULES: Mom yells. Dad drinks.
RYAN: That pretty much summed it up.
LONNEKE: Now, that is not true. Our father is a wonderful man who just gets a little sleepy. And our mother, well…fine, is a little remote. Which, I have learned through many helpful books, makes it impossible for her to say "I love you." Even if it's the only thing in the world a sad little girl needs to hear. (She turns to Jules.) And which is why I say it to you every day. Jules, I love you. (She hugs him and gives him a kiss as Nick laughs. She turns to him.) And you, too, Nicky. I love you! (She gives him a hug and kiss, too.)
NICK: Yeah, no, that's okay, you don't have to-no, that's all right-ok, I love you, too!
*********
(Casablancas basement, Jules and Marissa sit next to each other on the couch and Nick sits on the opposite arm of the couch.)
ALBERT: I can't believe that you knew that Summer and Nick were together and you didn't tell me.
JULES: We…barely knew.
MARISSA: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
JULES: Like radioactive spiders.
ALBERT: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Nick do this to me?
(Lonneke and Fab walk down the stairs.)
LONNEKE: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
FAB: Finally.
ALBERT: What, your Sis knew?! And Fab?! Fab never knows anything!
FAB: I know. I'm really coming into my own.
ALBERT: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Nick not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
MARISSA: How are you gonna do that?
ALBERT: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
LONNEKE: I'm gonna go find an eye patch. (She runs up the stairs. Fab sits down in Nick's chair.)
JULES: So what are you gonna say?
ALBERT: Oh, it'll come to me in the Moment.
MARISSA: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
ALBERT: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
FAB: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
ALBERT: Oh, you just wait and see.
(Nick walks in and Albert gets up out of the chair and clears his throat.)
NICK: What's up?
ALBERT: That's an interesting question, *Nick*. What *is* up?
NICK: Well, I guess you know about me and Summer.
ALBERT: Aha! So the battle of wits has begun!
NICK: What battle of wits? I admit it. I'm messing around with Summer.
ALBERT: I hate you! (He runs at Nick, who dodges and knocks him into the speaker.) Ow! My eye! (He storms out of the basement and Nick turns to the others.)
CHAPTER THREE
(The BMW Z3, John and Mrs. Casablancas are in the front seat with John driving. Jules and Marissa are in the back seat.)
MARISSA: Thanks again for the dream catchers.
JOHN: A blind Indian with three fingers made those. It was quite a thing to watch.
JULES: Wow, I wonder if him being blind had something to do with the losing the fingers.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Actually, I think they were taken as part of a primitive manhood ritual.
MARISSA: So, Jules, I kind of like your parents. What were you so worried about?
JULES: Wait for it.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: John, Sweetie, I think that car's trying to pass. Why don't you move over?
JOHN: Oh, he's fine.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Honey, I really think you should move over.
JOHN: Sweetie, he can go around.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: (yelling) Move!
JOHN: I'm moving.
(Marissa looks at Jules with a wary expression. He gives her an "I told you so" look.)
CHAPTER FOUR
(Cooper kitchen. Marissa is making a sandwich and Summer is watching her.)
MARISSA: And when he saw you guys kissing, he just fell apart. I mean, it was awful. And then he ran into the screen door.
SUMMER: Ohh. He's just so bad at doors.
MARISSA: Look… if you don't work things out with Albert everybody's gonna choose sides and nobody's gonna be friends anymore. (They walk to the table; Marissa's carrying two sandwiches and places them down onto the table.)
SUMMER: Well, that's not my fault. Look, he deserted me. He broke my heart. I didn't do anything wrong.
MARISSA: (she pulls two cans of soda from the fridge.) You're dating his best friend! You've gotta talk to him. You owe him an explanation.
SUMMER: Ugh! That's just so not the way I wanted to spend the day.
MARISSA: Well, I didn't want to spend the day wiping tears and pudding off of Albert's cheek.
*********
(Casablancas living room. Ryan is in his chair, Mrs. Casablancas and Jules on the couch, and John at the bar with a full glass of scotch.)
MRS. CASABLANCAS: John, honey, why don't you come over and sit with us?
JOHN: I'm fine here.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: We'd really like it if you would sit and join the party.
JOHN: I'm part of the party right here.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: (Yells) Sit!
(Everyone jumps and John sits down next to Jules. There is an awkward silence.)
RYAN: So, John, you're looking fit.
JOHN: Dry heat and central air, that's the key.
RYAN: Uh-huh.
JOHN: I've even got an air-conditioned garage. We could go from the house to the car without ever feeling the heat.
JULES: Wow. They literally never have to breathe fresh air, wow!
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Who needs it?
RYAN: Yep. Well, those are some real nice sandals, John. Hardly ever see those on men.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Also made by the handicapped Indian. What spirit.
(Lonneke walks in from the kitchen and stops when she sees her family.)
LONNEKE: Oh, um, everybody's here. (Everyone stands up.) Hello, mom, daddy.
RYAN: Lonneke, tell everyone your wonderful news. Quick.
LONNEKE: Um, I'd really rather not right now, Ryan.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: But that's why we’re here.
JULES: Yeah, for the love of God, sis, tell them.
LONNEKE: No, I said not right now.
RYAN: Lonneke, they came all this way.
JULES: Yeah, come on.
LONNEKE: Fine. You want to hear the big news? The doctor told me I just got my period a little late.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Lonneke! Language!
RYAN: You're not pregnant?
LONNEKE: No, no, just barren. Talk about that. (She storms out of the room. And Ryan goes after her.)
ACT TWO
CHAPTER ONE
(Casablancas Kitchen. Lonneke is making cookies and Ryan and Jules are watching her, unsure of what to do.)
JULES: Sis, I'm really sorry. I knew you wanted a baby, but I'm not really sure what to say, I'm not really sure what period is. Are you gonna, like, lose your hair?
(Lonneke glares at him.)
RYAN: Shut up. She's not losing anything. This just means-from time to time-a woman's body-ahem! Lonneke, explain it to the boy.
(Lonneke glares at him and Mrs. Casablancas walks in.)
MRS. CASABLANCAS: I'm just getting some juice.
JULES: Hey, sis. Maybe you should talk to mom about this.
RYAN: Well, that's an idea. I mean, we're just ignoramuses.
LONNEKE: Ok, ok, scoot.
(Ryan and Jules walk to the door.)
JULES: Is it-is it like a lady parts thing?
RYAN: We'll look it up in the world book.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Oh, those cookies look good.
LONNEKE: Well, thanks. I'm sorry I made a scene.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Oh, you were just tired.
LONNEKE: No, I wasn't just tired. Mom, I'm having a really hard time here. Did it hit you this hard, too?
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Did what, Dear?
LONNEKE: Say… ‘Menopause’.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Oh! I never had it.
LONNEKE: Mom, everybody has it.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables.
LONNEKE: Not me mom! I’m friggin’ 26! You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Well, I didn't.
LONNEKE: Yes, you did!
MRS. CASABLANCAS: Well, it doesn't matter, because it's not nice to talk about.
LONNEKE: Well, not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why don't you ever really talk to me?
MRS. CASABLANCAS: I told you I liked your cookies. I'm gonna find your father. (She walks out the sliding door and yells.) John!
JOHN: (Peeking into the kitchen.) Is she gone?
LONNEKE: You know, that woman is crazy.
JOHN: Your mother just doesn't know how to talk to people. If she yells at you, she really means that she's sorry you're upset. And if she breaks all your golf clubs, she really means "Happy Anniversary."
LONNEKE: Oh, daddy, I love you. (She gives him a hug, which he returns.)
JOHN: I love you, pumpkin, and so does your mother.
MRS. CASABLANCAS: (Yelling from outside.) John!
JOHN: You never saw me. (He leaves the kitchen via the living room door.)
*********
(Casablancas basement. Fab and Marissa are sitting on the couch and Nick is putting a record on the record player. Albert storms in wearing ski goggles. He grabs the record out of Nick's hands and throws it across the room.)
ALBERT: Try to get my eye now! (Nick looks at him a moment then kicks his knee.) Aah!
(A few minutes later Albert is laying across the couch with Nick sitting on his back, pinning him down.)
ALBERT: Nick, get off!
NICK: Not until you calm down!
FAB: (Gives Albert a wet willy.) Ahh! A wet one!
ALBERT: Fab, I'm gonna get free eventually, and I'm gonna kick your ass.
(Fab gives him another wet willy.)
NICK: Albert, look, man, we need to settle this.
ALBERT: No, I don't want to settle this. I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is pound you so you can feel as bad as I do!
NICK: (Thinks about it and stands up.) Fine. Fair enough. Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.
ALBERT: You gonna hit me back?
NICK: No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.
ALBERT: Oh. Ok. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.
FAB: We're ready! Do it, fool!
ALBERT: You know what? Forget it. It's not gonna change anything. I just…forget it. (He sits down on the couch.)
NICK: Look, Albert…I didn't plan for this, but…look, I'm sorry, ok? I'm-I'm really sorry.
FAB & MARISSA: Aww!
NICK: Would you get bent?
ALBERT: So what are we gonna do now?
MARISSA: I'll tell you what you guys are gonna do. You two are gonna shake hands, and you're gonna be done with it.
ALBERT: Nuh-uh.
MARISSA: Come on. Give it a try. Shake hands.
ALBERT: I don't wanna.
MARISSA: (Yells.) Shake!
(Everyone jumps and Albert and Nick shake hands half-heartedly.)
*********
(Casablancas porch between kitchen and driveway. Albert has an ice pack on his eye and is pouting. Summer walks up.)
SUMMER: Hey.
ALBERT: Well, well. Look who it is.
SUMMER: Ugh. Look, Albie, I'm glad I found you. How's your eye?
ALBERT: What do you care?
SUMMER: Ok, look, Albie, I know we should've told you sooner, but I'm not gonna say I'm sorry, because I wanted you, and you left and broke my heart. And I like Nicky now, so you need to get over it so we can be friends again.
ALBERT: Apology accepted.
SUMMER: (Grabs the ice pack.) Here, let me help you. (She reapplies the pack to the sore area.)
ALBERT: Ow! My eye.
SUMMER: Yeah.
*********
(Ryan and Lonneke's bedroom. Lonneke is putting curlers in her hair and Ryan enters.)
RYAN: Hey. How you doing?
LONNEKE: Oh, great. It's so nice to no longer be a woman.
RYAN: Lonneke, that's not true. You know I've been-I've been trying to think what I could do to make you feel better, and I finally came up with something. (He sits down next to Lonneke.) I sent your parents home early.
LONNEKE: That kind of helps. I just-I really wanted to be pregnant.
RYAN: You know what the real kicker is? This morning, when we thought you were still pregnant, I sold my Corvette.
(Lonneke looks at him and begins laughing hysterically. She gives him a hug.)
CHAPTER TWO
(Casablancas living room. Ryan and Jules are sitting on the couch looking at the World Book.)
JULES: "Memorial day, meningitis-" Ok, here we go. "Menopause."
RYAN: Good God. I didn't think they'd have pictures.
JULES: Well…at least they use the word "uterus" a lot.
RYAN: I could've gone a whole lifetime without knowing they had a mucus membrane.
JULES: You know, you just-you can't unlearn something like that, you know? Oh, no, look at the symptoms. "Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair." Uh-oh, Ryan…I think you have menopause.
(Ryan shoots annoyed looks at Jules.)
TAG
(BMW Z3, Jules is driving, John is next to him in the front seat. Marissa and Mrs. Casablancas are in the back seat.)
MARISSA: Hey, Jules, can you hand me a cookie?
JULES: Um, I can't reach while I'm driving.
MARISSA: Come on, please? Just one cookie.
JULES: Just wait till I stop.
MARISSA: (Yells.) Cookie!
(Jules reaches down and hands her a cookie.)
MRS. CASABLANCAS: You know, Marissa, you catch more flies with sugar. Right, John?
(John snores, faking sleeping. Everyone looks at him.)
FADE OUT