being alone scares the life out of me
Our new company commander tells us that we shouldn't dwell on all the bullshit we go through. He says roger. i got it. as if him acknowledging that we get a lot of bullshit helps. It doesn't at all. Really, it puts us more on-edge. I'm not sure where he comes from but where I come from, we don't just bend the fuck over when someone wants to fuck us. Everyday it's like today, we have something that'll piss you the fuck off, but hey, just ignore it. Ignore it until what? Till we fucking blow your head off? Okay. Roger. I think I got it.
My native american friend told a joke at a pub, he says How do you sit indian style? and then shortly after lays on the floor like he'd been drinking all night. The bartender didn't think it was too funny. She says You know, you can say the same about army people. Um, not really. Hey, how do you sit army style? I don't know, how do you? I thought there was only regular and injun style.
Anyway, they wonder why soldiers drink every day of the week. They wonder why some of us get drunk and drive into brick walls. Why we blow our heads off with shotguns or why we huff dust off. It's surely not because the army needlessly makes us miserable. It's because we have no concept of safety. Every Friday we get lectured on what's safe and what isn't. Safety is something of common sense. Not giving a fuck is sometimes of having to put up with too much bullshit.
Who cares about anyone when it's yourself you have to look out for.
Something I've noticed about some people before they die is how cynical they are. And it's funny, when you look up the word cynical on dictionary.com here is what you get:
cyn·i·cal Audio pronunciation of "cynical" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sn-kl)
adj.
1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others: a cynical dismissal of the politician's promise to reform the campaign finance system.
2. Selfishly or callously calculating: showed a cynical disregard for the safety of his troops in his efforts to advance his reputation.
3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness: a cynical view of the average voter's intelligence.
4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity: cynical laughter.
All anyone needs is a little love. Without love, we perish. And, how do I know that? Well, if it's tattooed on more than a few people, it's got to be true. Yeah, and it's how my dad died. He died a month or so after my mother served him papers for divorce. He actually predicted his death two days before he died. My mother was the last to hear him speak and that's what he told her. You can't exactly die of a broken heart but your heart can break, then motivating you to drink till death.
Sometimes I wonder how the humans have come this far. Sure, I haven't lived for too long but so far life is enough for me to not want to have kids. Why would I want to create more suffering?
And then I think back to what I just said. We just need a little love. It's amazing how much bullshit people will go through just in the name of love.