I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth.
i am a failure.
i failed.
i failed.
i mother fucking failed.
i'm so fucking stupid.
stupid. stupid. stupid.
all my bitching about not having anything to do caused an all day event with Debbie's friend Laura's kids. Et ma mere aussi, strange i know. we went to Malibu Castle, [sounds like we're barbie's now.] it's a mini-golf, go karts, and an arcade place. it wasn't all bad, i mean
*i don't completely suck at mini golf.
*i came in thrid then tied for second.
*i'm amazing at racing go karts.
*i saw "Bacon" [Jaymen]there.
*i played DDR for a few hours
*i played air hockey and won 6 times, i got beat 2 times. the last time was by this stupid little boy, who had been playing since 10am [by the time he and i were playing it was 11pmish] and he had only gotten beat twice. then i almost beat him but i knocked it in on my own on accident.
we were 6-6. and then the little kid said, "well at least i still have my record." dumb little kid.
*i raced pods in this big screen star wars game! it was amazingggg. and i almost won the whole game but they cut off all the power in the middle of the 4th lap. =/
because it was midnight and they all turned into pumpkins, i mean they had to close.
but this part isn't so good,
*i'm sore
*i think i have a sunburn.
*i almost lost my cellular telephone.
*i find out i have bad aim.
*i got hit on by some yucky boy, twice. he didn't get the hint.
anyway, we were there from like almost noon to midnight.
and around 3ish, we went out to eat.
14 people = Chinese Buffet.
this is where i h8, h8, H8 myself.
okay i had been doing rather well in my vegetarianism.
mother keeps telling me "oh it's just a phase." "you won't last." "you can't do it."
and you know, it makes me feel some equality to sadness because she doesn't support me in anything i do.
but yeah, i really wasn't thinking at all. =/
i ended up with this big plate,
and i was sitting there
drinking my tea and eating Lo Mein [ha i prolly spelled that all wrong.]
and mother sits down next to me and she starts eating as well.
then she looks over as i raise my fork up and she laughes at me.
i try to ignore her, and i continue eating.
i wish i hadn't.
you see, she laughed because the food that was on my fork was...
[dun dun dunnnnn] chicken. =/
and she let me eat it.
i noticed after i had eaten the whole small piece.
i was so ashamed, i lost my appetite.
but i got a small helping of ice cream to get the taste out of my mouth.
i seriously felt like i was going to cry.
but i didn't and for the rest of the day i tried to forget about it.
i feel horrible.
and it didn't help today
when i almost lost it in the car on the way home from the grocery store.
i was fine all day, even though Debbie wouldn't buy me these amazing shades. =/
but somehow we got onto the topic of Mother,
not wanting the responsibilities of being my mother
because she doesn't want to buy me anything or pay for anything for me.
which Debbie tries defending my mother so much, but it's useless.
i know that woman better than anyone in the world.
and i told Debbie about how my mother bitched at me
because i wanted a job but had no means of transportation.
she blamed me for that.
well damn, i'm trying to get a fucking permit already,
but that still leaves me with no fucking car.
and then we were talking about the whole me getting the fuck away from here, as soon as possible.
she doesn't like that idea.
she's the only one though.
the only problem is that dual credit shit, isn't going to work.
i'm going back to start.
looking at the early graduation again.
meaning night and summer school.
but that's if "he" and mother will work with me long enough to pay for it.
then i'll go to UTSA for one year, then when i am 18.5, I'll move to florida finally.
but there was a moment, a very small moment, where i wanted to say FUCK IT ALL! and just give up.
but then again i was caught between a rock and a hard place, so i wanted to get out at any cost.
now that i'm stable again, i have plans. options. a blue print of a new and better life.
beautiful mistakes,
something that i know you've seen before.