Zedd/Clara - Tastes Like Chicken (R)
OMG you guys, I...I don't know what I've done. I was just gonna post this prompt for teh lulz, but then work was SUPER boring and my brain just wouldn't stop and then, and then I friggin' wrote it.
Zedd released a loud, long, deep, contented sigh as he stepped down from his wizard’s rock. He had been standing upon it for the better half of the morning, and what a morning it was! The sky was clear, the sun was warm, and the song of the birds’ singing filled the air. It seemed winter had finally released it’s hold on Westland and Zedd decided to greet the first day of Spring the best way he knew how; bare-assed naked. The energy of the new life emerging all around him invigorated the wizard. Every inch of him felt alive. Every proud inch. Spring had sprung and so had Zedd.
“Well,” he said looking down at himself, “better go take care of this.”
He moved to walk back to his house but is stopped by the sight of a small reddish-brown hen at his feet.
“Ah, good morning to you, Clara. You know, it’s not polite to sneak up on old men.”
Zedd had talked to all his chickens, but Clara was the only one that actually seemed to listen. She looks back up to him with her small black chicken eyes, tilting her head side to side as if trying to understand his words.
“I could have tripped and fallen over you, and then where would we be?!”
She continues to look up at him in her little chicken way, which makes Zedd smile. She really was his favorite.
“Well then, if you would excuse me, something has recently come up that demands my immediate attention.”
Truth is, this was indeed becoming a rare event in his later years and, sadly, immediacy was not an exaggeration.
He gently nudges the little chicken with a foot and continues on his way, only to hear her clucking and following after him. When he reaches the house she darts out in front of him and stands in the doorway, looking up at him.
“Yes, well, it is rather impressive, isn’t it?”
He said, turning slightly from side to side evaluating himself.
“Many a young sorceress had been quite pleasantly surprised in my youth.”
He smiles at the memories and their ability to arouse him. His gaze shifts back to the chicken in his doorway.
“Sadly though, the attention I get from chicks these days is of an entirely different sort.”
Zedd stoops down to shoo Clara away.
“Sorry girl, but this is a private matter…”
But Clara refuses to move away. He waves his bony arms, and shuffles his bony legs, but Clara only bobs and weaves out of the way of his lanky limbs. Finally he manages to wrap his long, boney fingers around Clara’s neck, careful not to choke the chicken. Clara clucks and flaps her wings, clearly not happy with Zedd’s manhandling. He gently strokes her russet feathers in an effort to calm her down.
“It’s alright Clara. This will only take a minute.”
She then turns to glare at him with what he could swear was disapproval.
“What? No one’s perfect!”
He gently tosses her outside, her wings flapping as she lands and Zedd quickly closes the door behind him.
He moves over to his bed and makes himself comfortable. He stretches out on his back and closes his eyes, concentrating again on the invigorating fresh Spring energy. He can feel it, like electricity, surging through his bones. He lets the aches and pains of his old, wrinkled body wash away. Soon he feels as virile as he did at the peak of his youth. It wasn’t until then that his hand began to move.
Suddenly, a tiny russet commotion of feathers awkwardly flies into the room and lands on his stomach.
“Bags, Clara! I’m busy!”
He frantically tries to push her away, but again she manages to avoid his flailing arms.
“You’ll get plenty of attention once I’ve finished!”
“But I want my attention now!” Clara answers him.
Zedd freezes completely still. Eyes wide, he stares at the chicken on his stomach.
“Wh…what?!”
Clara turns her head side to side, taking him in with her little black eyes, and then she begins to glow. The light becomes blinding, forcing Zedd to turn away and shield his eyes. He can feel the weight on his stomach growing heavier. An instant later and the light is gone. He turns back and can’t believe what he sees. Before him, or rather, perched above him, is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Completely naked, her gorgeous red-brown hair tumbles down her shoulders.
“I said…”
The words drip from her lips as she slowly repositions herself before Zedd and lets her hands linger on his skin.
“I want…”
She sits up a little.
“my attention…”
She leans against the wall.
“now!”
She spreads her legs before him.
Zedd should be worried. There should be no magic in Westland. Its very presence means the boundary has fallen and Darken Rahl could send all life to the Underworld at any moment, any second! But with Clara presenting herself like this, he finds he is willing to go down, no questions asked.
Clara looks over to him with half-lidded eyes, “I hear incantations of the First Order require a wizard to have a very talented tongue.”
Zedd, on his hands and knees, lowers his face between her legs. He inhales, deeply, savoring her scent.
“My dear,” he lowers himself closer, “my tongue can cast spells of the most powerful magic.”
And then he dives into her. She tastes amazing and he realizes it has been entirely too long since he has tasted the flavors of a woman. He licks, and sucks, and savors every nuanced note of her juices. A little sweet, a little salty, a hint of spice. She puts even the most succulent of persimmons to shame. She moans and writhes under his ministrations. Again, he inhales, nearly tasting her aroma. In all his days, even back in his wizard’s training, never has he pleasured such a richly intoxicating woman. He could feast on her for hours…
“Zedd…Zedd!”
Zedd suddenly awakes to someone shaking his shoulder.
“Bags, boy! You couldn’t have waited 5 more minutes?!”
Richard shrugged, “Sorry Zedd, we’ve already let you sleep in long enough. The Stone of Tears isn’t going to find itself.”
Zedd nearly growls, “No, I suppose not.”
“You’re the one who’s always telling me that nothing is ever easy,” Richard half smiles, “but at least there’s breakfast.”
Zedd sits up and spies something unrecognizable on the fire, “What is it?”
“Cara caught a turtle.” Was his simple reply.
Both of Zedd’s eyebrows shoot up, “That’s not breakfast!”
“Zedd,” Kahlan’s voice was soft, trying to calm the wizard, who was surprisingly agitated after all that sleep, “she actually went to a lot of trouble.” Kahlan was sitting behind Cara trying to untangle a mess of swamp burs from the Mord-Sith’s hair. Cara looked equal parts annoyed, frustrated, and insulted with Kahlan’s fussing over her, which meant she was thankful.
“Just try it, Zedd.” Richard piped back in, “it tastes just like chicken, and with my culinary skills, probably better than the best you’ve ever had.”
Richard expected his joking would improve his grandfather’s mood. It didn’t.
“Boy, you could spend the next thousand years perfecting your recipe. You could scour the world for rare ingredients and spell it with a web divined by the Creator Herself, but it would never compare to the best chicken I’ve ever eaten.”
The end, lulz.
Zedd released a loud, long, deep, contented sigh as he stepped down from his wizard’s rock. He had been standing upon it for the better half of the morning, and what a morning it was! The sky was clear, the sun was warm, and the song of the birds’ singing filled the air. It seemed winter had finally released it’s hold on Westland and Zedd decided to greet the first day of Spring the best way he knew how; bare-assed naked. The energy of the new life emerging all around him invigorated the wizard. Every inch of him felt alive. Every proud inch. Spring had sprung and so had Zedd.
“Well,” he said looking down at himself, “better go take care of this.”
He moved to walk back to his house but is stopped by the sight of a small reddish-brown hen at his feet.
“Ah, good morning to you, Clara. You know, it’s not polite to sneak up on old men.”
Zedd had talked to all his chickens, but Clara was the only one that actually seemed to listen. She looks back up to him with her small black chicken eyes, tilting her head side to side as if trying to understand his words.
“I could have tripped and fallen over you, and then where would we be?!”
She continues to look up at him in her little chicken way, which makes Zedd smile. She really was his favorite.
“Well then, if you would excuse me, something has recently come up that demands my immediate attention.”
Truth is, this was indeed becoming a rare event in his later years and, sadly, immediacy was not an exaggeration.
He gently nudges the little chicken with a foot and continues on his way, only to hear her clucking and following after him. When he reaches the house she darts out in front of him and stands in the doorway, looking up at him.
“Yes, well, it is rather impressive, isn’t it?”
He said, turning slightly from side to side evaluating himself.
“Many a young sorceress had been quite pleasantly surprised in my youth.”
He smiles at the memories and their ability to arouse him. His gaze shifts back to the chicken in his doorway.
“Sadly though, the attention I get from chicks these days is of an entirely different sort.”
Zedd stoops down to shoo Clara away.
“Sorry girl, but this is a private matter…”
But Clara refuses to move away. He waves his bony arms, and shuffles his bony legs, but Clara only bobs and weaves out of the way of his lanky limbs. Finally he manages to wrap his long, boney fingers around Clara’s neck, careful not to choke the chicken. Clara clucks and flaps her wings, clearly not happy with Zedd’s manhandling. He gently strokes her russet feathers in an effort to calm her down.
“It’s alright Clara. This will only take a minute.”
She then turns to glare at him with what he could swear was disapproval.
“What? No one’s perfect!”
He gently tosses her outside, her wings flapping as she lands and Zedd quickly closes the door behind him.
He moves over to his bed and makes himself comfortable. He stretches out on his back and closes his eyes, concentrating again on the invigorating fresh Spring energy. He can feel it, like electricity, surging through his bones. He lets the aches and pains of his old, wrinkled body wash away. Soon he feels as virile as he did at the peak of his youth. It wasn’t until then that his hand began to move.
Suddenly, a tiny russet commotion of feathers awkwardly flies into the room and lands on his stomach.
“Bags, Clara! I’m busy!”
He frantically tries to push her away, but again she manages to avoid his flailing arms.
“You’ll get plenty of attention once I’ve finished!”
“But I want my attention now!” Clara answers him.
Zedd freezes completely still. Eyes wide, he stares at the chicken on his stomach.
“Wh…what?!”
Clara turns her head side to side, taking him in with her little black eyes, and then she begins to glow. The light becomes blinding, forcing Zedd to turn away and shield his eyes. He can feel the weight on his stomach growing heavier. An instant later and the light is gone. He turns back and can’t believe what he sees. Before him, or rather, perched above him, is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Completely naked, her gorgeous red-brown hair tumbles down her shoulders.
“I said…”
The words drip from her lips as she slowly repositions herself before Zedd and lets her hands linger on his skin.
“I want…”
She sits up a little.
“my attention…”
She leans against the wall.
“now!”
She spreads her legs before him.
Zedd should be worried. There should be no magic in Westland. Its very presence means the boundary has fallen and Darken Rahl could send all life to the Underworld at any moment, any second! But with Clara presenting herself like this, he finds he is willing to go down, no questions asked.
Clara looks over to him with half-lidded eyes, “I hear incantations of the First Order require a wizard to have a very talented tongue.”
Zedd, on his hands and knees, lowers his face between her legs. He inhales, deeply, savoring her scent.
“My dear,” he lowers himself closer, “my tongue can cast spells of the most powerful magic.”
And then he dives into her. She tastes amazing and he realizes it has been entirely too long since he has tasted the flavors of a woman. He licks, and sucks, and savors every nuanced note of her juices. A little sweet, a little salty, a hint of spice. She puts even the most succulent of persimmons to shame. She moans and writhes under his ministrations. Again, he inhales, nearly tasting her aroma. In all his days, even back in his wizard’s training, never has he pleasured such a richly intoxicating woman. He could feast on her for hours…
“Zedd…Zedd!”
Zedd suddenly awakes to someone shaking his shoulder.
“Bags, boy! You couldn’t have waited 5 more minutes?!”
Richard shrugged, “Sorry Zedd, we’ve already let you sleep in long enough. The Stone of Tears isn’t going to find itself.”
Zedd nearly growls, “No, I suppose not.”
“You’re the one who’s always telling me that nothing is ever easy,” Richard half smiles, “but at least there’s breakfast.”
Zedd sits up and spies something unrecognizable on the fire, “What is it?”
“Cara caught a turtle.” Was his simple reply.
Both of Zedd’s eyebrows shoot up, “That’s not breakfast!”
“Zedd,” Kahlan’s voice was soft, trying to calm the wizard, who was surprisingly agitated after all that sleep, “she actually went to a lot of trouble.” Kahlan was sitting behind Cara trying to untangle a mess of swamp burs from the Mord-Sith’s hair. Cara looked equal parts annoyed, frustrated, and insulted with Kahlan’s fussing over her, which meant she was thankful.
“Just try it, Zedd.” Richard piped back in, “it tastes just like chicken, and with my culinary skills, probably better than the best you’ve ever had.”
Richard expected his joking would improve his grandfather’s mood. It didn’t.
“Boy, you could spend the next thousand years perfecting your recipe. You could scour the world for rare ingredients and spell it with a web divined by the Creator Herself, but it would never compare to the best chicken I’ve ever eaten.”
The end, lulz.