(no subject)
Yay. I get to do tests. Which show that I can't direct my attention properly. I find it all
rather amusing.
I'm doing tests that test frontal lobe, and selective attention. Which is what I tried to
communicate, and seemed to finally get somewhere with.
The thing is - the way I describe it is as a frontal lobe deficit. I'm pretty much matching
typical frontal lobe dysfunction.
And yeah, so as far as that goes I'm pretty much coming up as "getting better", "getting worse",
fluctuating and then suddenly blocking.
Which is what happens. It's really obvious. It shows up my weaknesses quite easily. The thing
is that they also were looking for strengths. I didn't even think of doing that really. I'm so
obsessed with what I can't do, and how to do what I can't do, rather than doing what I can do.
Which is really a "FUCK THIS I AM GOING TO BEAT IT" attitude. Which I hold close to me.
Most likely they'll say I have ADHD. Although I used to be more ADHD'ish before. Now I'm more
ADDish. Although, when I look at the differences, I'm struggling to decide just which one.
For a while I had to do my "hand moving" thing, in order to be able to focus better. Which
actually does seem to help me.
Anyway, I was getting memory blocks. And I definitely improved on the RED/GREEN/BLUE test thingy
that says the word in a different colour. And you have to spot the colours.
Pretty much what happened, is I was fine.. it was all going well, and then I'd go EURGH. And jam,
and hit verbal again. Which seems to be a problem at the moment - the way I do it is by switching
quickly. I was a lot better when I didn't have to keep switching..
But sometimes I get stuck on one pattern or the other. Doing both at once is very difficult for
me when it swaps rapidly.
Although, I did have the advantage that some of the time I was really good at noticing when I
fucked up - I'd make a loud noise suddenly. Although at one point I screwed up a lot without even
noticing.
Anyway, they noticed strengths as well. I'm incredibly fast at some things. And that's what I'm
like... I'm racing really really fast... and then I have to suddenly slow down and it's really hard
to merge the colours/verbal together. Which means that I generally try to enhance my colours a lot
as I can think clearer that way.
Which explains my need to multifocus - I have to keep trying different things, have to keep moving
onto different colours. And then I lose my verbal ability. And get pissed off. And then I try
to focus and improve my verbal abilitiy...
And then every day seems to be trying to cope with my mind, to keep it working properly, rather
than just doing the things I want to do.
The other strange thing is, that my voice really got muffled as I was doing colours at one stage
and I slowed down a lot.
Although when I say I slow down, apparently I don't really go that slowly. It just seems slow to
me. I should remember that. :)
Now I get to do more tests next week.
But I want to experiment with the colour thing. I'm going to have to try and do some exercises at
home this weekend I reckon. See if I can beat it.
Need to sustain good focus of verbal plus colours. Yeah, that's it...
Oh, and apparently I was really good at categorising things. I wonder what that means :)