FIC: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Surviving a Dalek Invasion [Doctor Who / HHGTTG / SJA]
Title: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Surviving a Dalek Invasion
Author: atraphoenix
Fandom: Doctor Who / The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy / The Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Alan Jackson, Arthur Dent, Dalek Caan, Ford Prefect, Maria Jackson, Marvin, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, Trillian and Zaphod Beeblebrox
Rating: G
Summary: Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was having a very bad day. The planet he had been ordered to demolish appeared to have disappeared.
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was having a very bad day.
The planet he had been ordered to demolish appeared to have disappeared and, worst of all, he couldn’t think of a word to rhyme with ‘frasmotic’.
***
It wasn’t the end of the world. They served better drinks at the end of the world.
Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox sat in a pub in Islington, safe in the knowledge that the man behind the bar - under the bar, anyway - had bigger things to worry about than their tab. And, of course, they wouldn’t be alive long enough to pay it if Arthur and Trillian didn’t come to their rescue soon.
“So what exactly happened to the Daleks?” asked Ford, addressing his semi cousin over an impressive collection of pint glasses. “One minute they were terrorising the universe, the next they were nowhere to be found.”
“It was a time lock.”
“A time what?”
“Remember … what was her name? The president of Gallifrey?”
“Romanadvoratrelundar?”
“That’s the one. She used to drink me under the table at Galactic conferences.”
“And turn you down whenever you asked her for a date?”
“And turn me down whenever I asked her for a date.”
“What did she do?”
“She managed to isolate the whole Time War. Locked away the Daleks and the Time Lords.”
“How?”
“Don’t ask me. I’ll need a few more drinks before I try and answer that.”
“And I’ll need a few more drinks before I try and listen.” To the barman, he added: “Are you sure you don’t have any hypervodka?”
***
“I flew through the darkness and the fire. I danced and I burned and I waited for a chance to be free again.”
Marvin sighed.
“Tell me about it.”
***
Alan Jackson liked to think that he was used to aliens. He’d met quite a few of them since he’d moved into Bannerman Road, after all. Usually, however, the invading aliens came to Earth. They didn’t move the planet.
Maria had phoned Luke as soon as the crisis had began, but, from what they’d gathered, he and Sarah Jane were just as confused as everyone else on Earth. Never a good sign.
Without any better ideas and with no way to get back to London and help, the Jacksons had battened down the proverbial hatches and prepared to wait it out.
They hadn’t been able to hide for long. Alan had blocked the doors, but the metal monsters - how could anything that looked so much like a pepper pot be dangerous? - hadn’t bothered to use them in the first place. They’d simply smashed through the wall of the holiday cottage and barked out instructions in their harsh, grating voices. (At first, Alan hadn’t been able to work out why Maria had complied without complaint. And then he’d realised that she was waiting for the right moment to act. His daughter had learned a lot from Sarah Jane.)
Unfortunately, the creatures had methodically rounded up most of the holiday park and that moment had yet to materialise. They hadn’t even told their prisoners what they wanted. Really, he shouldn’t have been surprised when Maria had finally asked. She’d learned that from Sarah Jane as well.
“Where are you taking us?” she demanded. Only her father, who knew her better than anyone, could tell that she was nervous. “What do you want?”
“The female will not ask questions.”
“Someone has to. This is our planet.”
“Incorrect. This planet is under control of the Dalek Empire.”
The name meant nothing to Alan, but it obviously meant something to Maria. Her eyes widened in her horror and she took a sudden step backwards. She only wanted to be closer to her father, but the Dalek that had been left in charge of the prisoners decided to interpret it as a hostile act. It raised a weapon that looked both ridiculous and dangerous at the same time, but, before it could fire, there was the sound of rushing wind. The leaves stirred on the ground by their feet and, less than a second later, there was a loud and rather resounding pop.
“Dad,” said Maria, very carefully, “I think that Dalek just turned into a beanbag chair ...”
“As long as it isn’t trying to shoot us, I don’t mind.”
***
After passing through a variety of locations - including a holiday park in 21st century Cornwall and the bedroom of a very startled Henry VIII - The Heart of Gold managed to restore normality and land in London.
Of course, when it came to Earth in general and London in particular, ‘normality’ was a very flexible word.
They arrived in the middle of an invasion. Arthur Dent wished that he was surprised. Instead, he settling for raising his hands before the nearest Dalek had a chance to order him to surrender.
Trillian, on the other hand, was less cooperative.
“What is going on?”
This was her home planet - or a version of it, anyway - and she probably had a right to know. But Arthur wished that she hadn’t asked so aggressively
“Are you scanning our space ship?” she continued, “Don’t scan our space ship!”
Arthur closed his eyes.
“Tricia, I don’t think they’re scanning our space ship. I think they’re getting ready to kill us and steal our space ship.”
“You are correct. Exter …”
Before the Dalek could complete the order, a bowl of petunias fell out of the sky and hit it on the head.
“Time to go?” Arthur asked, turning to Trillian. “The whale will probably be along in a minute.”
***
Three months after the aborted Dalek invasion, an updated copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy landed on the publisher’s desk in the offices of Megadoo Publications. Nobody had been able to reach Ford Prefect following the miraculous disappearance and reappearance of the Earth, but a freelance reporter had been passing through the Milky Way at the time and offered up her own contribution.
A politely worded but rather significant addendum had been made to the page.
Harmless? You must be joking!
Author: atraphoenix
Fandom: Doctor Who / The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy / The Sarah Jane Adventures
Characters: Alan Jackson, Arthur Dent, Dalek Caan, Ford Prefect, Maria Jackson, Marvin, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz, Trillian and Zaphod Beeblebrox
Rating: G
Summary: Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was having a very bad day. The planet he had been ordered to demolish appeared to have disappeared.
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz was having a very bad day.
The planet he had been ordered to demolish appeared to have disappeared and, worst of all, he couldn’t think of a word to rhyme with ‘frasmotic’.
***
It wasn’t the end of the world. They served better drinks at the end of the world.
Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox sat in a pub in Islington, safe in the knowledge that the man behind the bar - under the bar, anyway - had bigger things to worry about than their tab. And, of course, they wouldn’t be alive long enough to pay it if Arthur and Trillian didn’t come to their rescue soon.
“So what exactly happened to the Daleks?” asked Ford, addressing his semi cousin over an impressive collection of pint glasses. “One minute they were terrorising the universe, the next they were nowhere to be found.”
“It was a time lock.”
“A time what?”
“Remember … what was her name? The president of Gallifrey?”
“Romanadvoratrelundar?”
“That’s the one. She used to drink me under the table at Galactic conferences.”
“And turn you down whenever you asked her for a date?”
“And turn me down whenever I asked her for a date.”
“What did she do?”
“She managed to isolate the whole Time War. Locked away the Daleks and the Time Lords.”
“How?”
“Don’t ask me. I’ll need a few more drinks before I try and answer that.”
“And I’ll need a few more drinks before I try and listen.” To the barman, he added: “Are you sure you don’t have any hypervodka?”
***
“I flew through the darkness and the fire. I danced and I burned and I waited for a chance to be free again.”
Marvin sighed.
“Tell me about it.”
***
Alan Jackson liked to think that he was used to aliens. He’d met quite a few of them since he’d moved into Bannerman Road, after all. Usually, however, the invading aliens came to Earth. They didn’t move the planet.
Maria had phoned Luke as soon as the crisis had began, but, from what they’d gathered, he and Sarah Jane were just as confused as everyone else on Earth. Never a good sign.
Without any better ideas and with no way to get back to London and help, the Jacksons had battened down the proverbial hatches and prepared to wait it out.
They hadn’t been able to hide for long. Alan had blocked the doors, but the metal monsters - how could anything that looked so much like a pepper pot be dangerous? - hadn’t bothered to use them in the first place. They’d simply smashed through the wall of the holiday cottage and barked out instructions in their harsh, grating voices. (At first, Alan hadn’t been able to work out why Maria had complied without complaint. And then he’d realised that she was waiting for the right moment to act. His daughter had learned a lot from Sarah Jane.)
Unfortunately, the creatures had methodically rounded up most of the holiday park and that moment had yet to materialise. They hadn’t even told their prisoners what they wanted. Really, he shouldn’t have been surprised when Maria had finally asked. She’d learned that from Sarah Jane as well.
“Where are you taking us?” she demanded. Only her father, who knew her better than anyone, could tell that she was nervous. “What do you want?”
“The female will not ask questions.”
“Someone has to. This is our planet.”
“Incorrect. This planet is under control of the Dalek Empire.”
The name meant nothing to Alan, but it obviously meant something to Maria. Her eyes widened in her horror and she took a sudden step backwards. She only wanted to be closer to her father, but the Dalek that had been left in charge of the prisoners decided to interpret it as a hostile act. It raised a weapon that looked both ridiculous and dangerous at the same time, but, before it could fire, there was the sound of rushing wind. The leaves stirred on the ground by their feet and, less than a second later, there was a loud and rather resounding pop.
“Dad,” said Maria, very carefully, “I think that Dalek just turned into a beanbag chair ...”
“As long as it isn’t trying to shoot us, I don’t mind.”
***
After passing through a variety of locations - including a holiday park in 21st century Cornwall and the bedroom of a very startled Henry VIII - The Heart of Gold managed to restore normality and land in London.
Of course, when it came to Earth in general and London in particular, ‘normality’ was a very flexible word.
They arrived in the middle of an invasion. Arthur Dent wished that he was surprised. Instead, he settling for raising his hands before the nearest Dalek had a chance to order him to surrender.
Trillian, on the other hand, was less cooperative.
“What is going on?”
This was her home planet - or a version of it, anyway - and she probably had a right to know. But Arthur wished that she hadn’t asked so aggressively
“Are you scanning our space ship?” she continued, “Don’t scan our space ship!”
Arthur closed his eyes.
“Tricia, I don’t think they’re scanning our space ship. I think they’re getting ready to kill us and steal our space ship.”
“You are correct. Exter …”
Before the Dalek could complete the order, a bowl of petunias fell out of the sky and hit it on the head.
“Time to go?” Arthur asked, turning to Trillian. “The whale will probably be along in a minute.”
***
Three months after the aborted Dalek invasion, an updated copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy landed on the publisher’s desk in the offices of Megadoo Publications. Nobody had been able to reach Ford Prefect following the miraculous disappearance and reappearance of the Earth, but a freelance reporter had been passing through the Milky Way at the time and offered up her own contribution.
A politely worded but rather significant addendum had been made to the page.
Harmless? You must be joking!