Don't come 'round here no more.
So this morning at around eleven in the morning, just a few short hours since I had fallen asleep, I was woken up by Katelyn, who informed me that there was an important seeming man in a suit asking to see me at the door.
So I groggily get up and throw on some clothes, expecting my landlord to be there to ask whats up with my rent, which I'd just shoo him away and say I'd pay him Friday. But instead there is a man standing outside my door wearing a suit and a tan coat. He introduces himself as a Detective with the Portland Police Department. For a fraction of a second I scan my groggy, half asleep brain to determine if I'd done anything illegal lately, which I haven't. But he hands me a peice of paper. "You recently wrote a blog expressing your dislike of the company Bank of America on Myspace?"
"Uh...yeah." I bite my tounge to keep from adding, "But last I checked that wasn't illegal".
"Well, I'm here to serve you this notice that states that you are no longer to enter any Bank of America locations. If you do, you can be arrested for illegal tresspassing." I look down at the paper.
The paper says the same thing, except it gives the general idea of my blog- "Dislike of the company and vauge references to death". He goes on to add that they are probably going to close my account, so in the meantime any banking I need to do needs to be online if at all possible, and he once again tells me I could be arrested if I ever go into a Bank of America location ever again. The paper even has the words "All Locations" written on it.
"Okay," I reply, a little confused, "So...just don't go there anymore?"
"Just don't go there anymore." He repeats, wishes me a nice day, and then he's gone.
So....
I'm apparently a threat to the major corporation known as "Bank of America".
Katleyn is jealous that I managed to reach the stage of being persecuted for my writing before she did.
But basically, in case you haven't caught up to it by now, Bank of America- a major, billion(probably) dollar corporation actually somehow found my blog, read it, and decided to serve me a document to keep me from ever going inside. Ever. Anywhere.
Which means, if in a few years I'm in, say....whatever, Oklahoma? And someone says "Hey, hang on...I gotta swing by the bank and get some money..." and it's a Bank of America, I have to actually wait outside. I get to tell them that if I enter, I could be arrested for illegal tresspassing.
I guess I should be flattered. This major corporation read my blog. I consider that a ringing endorsement of my own importance. But, honestly...how?! They must pay some guy a bunch of money to go through the internet and read what's written about them...which, honestly, congrats buddy. I hope you're reading this, because....seriously, you rock. Good for you. Don't worry- since you clearly don't understand hyperbole or over-the-top dark humor, I'll let you know that I have no plans whatsoever to actually partake in violence or vengence of any kind against your company, or you. So, you're safe. Keep up the good work. Thanks for stopping by.
Interestingly enough, the blog really doesn't talk too much about them...most of the blog is about my own destitution(I re-read it, obviously). I mean, I call them "Monsters" a couple of times and mention violence in jest, but it's about how I can hardly afford to eat, not threatening them. It's about how I feel about their business model(I hate it) and about how poor I am as a result of it. That's it, really....hardly seems like a terroist manifesto.
But the most amusing part was how much it sort of made Katelyn's spide sense go off. She mentioned how odd it was that a major corporation found my blog out of the millions of potential references to their bank...which, to her, suggested that they must actually run some sort of search cross-referencing their own company with all their clients. Meaning, they check up on their clients web activities. She called it a very "Big Brother" sort of act. I didn't give that part much thought, mostly because I think it's totally awesome that I was even noticed enough to ban. But, she has a point....it is kind of creepy. The corporations are watching us.
Of course, at the end of the day, this doesn't affect me in the least....save for how I'm going to give them money for the overdraft fees I owe them, which I'm at a loss to figure out. Maybe if they shut me down by force they'll just wave them to get rid of me. That'd be awesome....but, a greedy bunch of asshats afraid of a little twenty-seven year old blogger probably won't be that altruistic, and they'll just sell it to a collection agency to hound me(because I don't have enough of those). But, really, I didn't want to go back there, ever. I was going to close my account right away in February anyway(after paying the parasitic CEO a few more bucks to paint his boat with), after making my rent on the first.
So I'm like...a vigilante hero, except for the part where I've done nothing but gain their brief attention. So...not much like a vigilante hero at all, really. Maybe more like one of Robin Hood's Merry Men....y'know, like the one in the back that didn't really do much but drink Friar Tucks beer when he wasn't looking. But, by extension, The Sherrif of Nottingham still really hated him.
But, seriously....I personally managed to gain the ire of a major corporation. Little ole' Me.
What is it about me in the past couple of years that has made me suddenly visible to the outside world? Years after the fact, the government comes and takes part of my wages to pay back truant student loans, and now Bank of America thinks I'm going to wage war on them based on a tiny little blog that made a few references to headbutts and non-sequiter sentences. It also wasn't the first or (obviously, since I'm writing this one) the last time I'd blogged about them....and I'm fairly certain the first one made the statement that they gave out live scorpions with all withdrawls, accompanied by more references to headbutts. So that one was way worse.
I was more curious about the fact that there wasn't some sort of "cease and desist" article handed to me instead....like, "stop blogging about us". But, I'm fairly sure they can't actually do that even if they wanted, since it's probably within my first amendment rights to do so...but, still, big business tries to silence the little guy all the time. But nobody said I couldn't blog...I just can't go in there anymore.
So, surprise! Here's another blog stating that Bank of America sucks. They can't take a joke, and they're refusing my business on the basis of a little blog where I said "Fuck" a couple of times. Okay, maybe like...fifty. Clearly, my madness is one of unstoppable malice, and I am out of control. For the record, that was sarcasm. I'm a bunny rabbit(but not in the "furry fetish" sort of way...that'd be weird. And costly.) in terms of how dangerous I am....unless Bank of America starts a new plan where they torture Women and sell them into White Slavery(could happen. We're in a recession after all...), I'll quietly write my blogs and stay out of their nationwide locations out of fear of imprisonment. But I'll keep it in mind if I need some sort of civil disobedience demonstration- provided it's relevant. If I'm protesting for civil rights, it wouldn't do me much good.
But....you win, fascists. Score one for the big guy. But I'm not going quietly. But since we are no longer doing business with one another, I won't have much reason to blog about you any longer....so, I guess we're done here. This is goodbye. I'll miss you, and I'll never forget you(lest I end up in jail).
I promised myself I wouldn't cry. And I have kept that promise.