A Soldier's Guide to Edible Wildlife
Here there be random drabble fanfic...
Title: A Soldier's Guide to Edible Wildlife
Pairing: Big Bosscelot
Warnings: Pure crack, mild spoliers
Naked Snake sighed as he leaned back in his chair, rubbing his one good eye. He wasn't used to spending long hours at a desk, pen in hand, scribbling away lie this. The soldier could almost feel his battle instincts dulling.
But a promise was a promise, and Para-Medic wouldn't leave him alone until he had finished. Snake growled as he leaned forward again, scribbling out another couple of lines. It wasn't the concept of the book that bothered him... a guide to edible plant and animal life written specifically for soldiers in the field could save some lives lost to malnutrition.
The problem he had with the book was the fact that apparently he had to write it. Apparently, according to Para-Medic, his firsthand knowledge was invaluable.
He finished the page he was on, filling in the last entry in the FUNGI section (The Ural Luminescent) with one word: Poisonous. Turning to the next page, he glanced down at the index/guideline page he had been given at the start of this project. The next entry group was supposed to be FELINES.
"Felines?" Snake blinked at the page, scratching his head with the pen's non-buisness end. Why was FELINES after FUNGI? "All those movies must have twisted her brain more than I thought..."
He shrugged, placing pen to paper again. There was only one feline he'd ever eaten, and he wasn't even sure it would count, but there was no point in having a section with no entries. With a small smirk he scrawled a few lines, then glanced back at the index.
However, before he could continue, the phone rang. He grabbed the handset with an internal thrill of gratitude.
"Yes? This is Big Boss." That name still stuck in his throat every time he said it, but he'd beter get used to the title.
"Are you done with the book yet?" The woman didn't pull her punches, that was for sure. Snake groaned.
"No."
"Why the heck not? I have the publishers waiting for this! Do you know how many strings I had to pull-" She was starting on a tangent, and Snake had to move fast to cut her off.
"It's harder than it looks." He growled, fingers clenching on the pen. "Why do I have to write this again?"
"Because you're the expert when it comes to OSP rations. Come on Snake, this is for science!"
He just growled again, but she continued unabated. "Anyway, I need you to come over here for a bit. The higher-ups are finally hearing my proposition for a paramedic branch of the army, and I want the legendary Big Boss's support."
"You've got it." Unlike the book, this was something he could really get behind. "I'll be over in a few minutes."
"Great! Bring the manuscript so far with you, OK?"
Snake sighed again, but agreed. He hung up the phone, stretched and started to pile the sheets of paper into a battered briefcase. Picking up his most recent page, he smirked.
Ocelot. A difficult capture and a bit too salty for my taste, but the noises he makes are well worth it.
"I wonder how Para-Medic will react to this entry?" He wondered aloud before shipping the last piece into his briefcase. Imagining her face going bright red, he grinned in a way that could only be described as evil. Maybe this book idea could be more fun than he had thought.
Title: A Soldier's Guide to Edible Wildlife
Pairing: Big Bosscelot
Warnings: Pure crack, mild spoliers
Naked Snake sighed as he leaned back in his chair, rubbing his one good eye. He wasn't used to spending long hours at a desk, pen in hand, scribbling away lie this. The soldier could almost feel his battle instincts dulling.
But a promise was a promise, and Para-Medic wouldn't leave him alone until he had finished. Snake growled as he leaned forward again, scribbling out another couple of lines. It wasn't the concept of the book that bothered him... a guide to edible plant and animal life written specifically for soldiers in the field could save some lives lost to malnutrition.
The problem he had with the book was the fact that apparently he had to write it. Apparently, according to Para-Medic, his firsthand knowledge was invaluable.
He finished the page he was on, filling in the last entry in the FUNGI section (The Ural Luminescent) with one word: Poisonous. Turning to the next page, he glanced down at the index/guideline page he had been given at the start of this project. The next entry group was supposed to be FELINES.
"Felines?" Snake blinked at the page, scratching his head with the pen's non-buisness end. Why was FELINES after FUNGI? "All those movies must have twisted her brain more than I thought..."
He shrugged, placing pen to paper again. There was only one feline he'd ever eaten, and he wasn't even sure it would count, but there was no point in having a section with no entries. With a small smirk he scrawled a few lines, then glanced back at the index.
However, before he could continue, the phone rang. He grabbed the handset with an internal thrill of gratitude.
"Yes? This is Big Boss." That name still stuck in his throat every time he said it, but he'd beter get used to the title.
"Are you done with the book yet?" The woman didn't pull her punches, that was for sure. Snake groaned.
"No."
"Why the heck not? I have the publishers waiting for this! Do you know how many strings I had to pull-" She was starting on a tangent, and Snake had to move fast to cut her off.
"It's harder than it looks." He growled, fingers clenching on the pen. "Why do I have to write this again?"
"Because you're the expert when it comes to OSP rations. Come on Snake, this is for science!"
He just growled again, but she continued unabated. "Anyway, I need you to come over here for a bit. The higher-ups are finally hearing my proposition for a paramedic branch of the army, and I want the legendary Big Boss's support."
"You've got it." Unlike the book, this was something he could really get behind. "I'll be over in a few minutes."
"Great! Bring the manuscript so far with you, OK?"
Snake sighed again, but agreed. He hung up the phone, stretched and started to pile the sheets of paper into a battered briefcase. Picking up his most recent page, he smirked.
Ocelot. A difficult capture and a bit too salty for my taste, but the noises he makes are well worth it.
"I wonder how Para-Medic will react to this entry?" He wondered aloud before shipping the last piece into his briefcase. Imagining her face going bright red, he grinned in a way that could only be described as evil. Maybe this book idea could be more fun than he had thought.