Comments | attentionhoard: And now for something completely different

attentionhoard

And now for something completely different

Mar 11, 2009 21:27

This month over at brigits_flame I decided to try something a bit different. Taking a break from the darker more subversive sides of life, here's a slice of life from a small town summer. The prompt for this round is: Happiness in a Bottle.

( Orchard Towers )

Comments 19

cedarwolfsinger March 16 2009, 16:53:31 UTC

This is lovely. Some days I would like to revert to the carefree enjoyment of childhood. Good luck with it.

attentionhoard March 17 2009, 00:02:57 UTC

Thanks Cedar!

alabasterfalcon March 17 2009, 14:02:00 UTC

Hey there attentionhoard, I get the pleasure of editing your piece this week ( ... )

attentionhoard March 17 2009, 22:32:01 UTC

Thank you for that thoughtful edit! It's greatly appreciated!

alabasterfalcon March 18 2009, 13:39:20 UTC

You're welcome, and congratulations on the win of the week!

merthin March 17 2009, 16:12:38 UTC

Innocent happiness. Sometimes I think I'm too old for that anymore, but the piece was great.

attentionhoard March 17 2009, 22:33:15 UTC

Thanks for reading!

Edits green_eyes29321 March 20 2009, 19:27:51 UTC

Hi! I'm one of your editors this week. For sentence-level comments, I'll copy the part of the sentence in question and then comment in italics. General statements about the paragraph will say "Paragraph [#]" and then my thoughts in italics. Then I'll give you an overview at the end.

Paragraph 1: I like the first paragraph. Being from a small town myself, I like how you captured that mad rush to get outside the first day of summer.

"'Thank you. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.'" Aww. They're both so cute.

I really like this piece. It's quiet, and you did a wonderful job capturing small-town life. I've had many similar moments, usually with one family member or another, and this piece made me all nostalgic. I like the characterization of Mary-Elle and Burton as well, and the way you captured those first-crush feelings. However, I've read the other edit and I agree--I would have liked to have seen a few more details. That said, one thing I liked is how you didn't tell us every detail--it let my mind kind of paint ( ... )

belated edit is belated :) kuhori_rei March 22 2009, 03:30:04 UTC

Hi! Looks like it's my turn to edit one of your pieces!

I really enjoyed reading this. I didn't exactly find it nostalgic, but it was nice to be able to read about characters just being sweet and funny and young and happy together. (run-on sentence is run-on :P) I really liked the way you used the prompt without making it overly literal.

Just a few critiques/praises:

With his pent-up pre-teen energy he hurried, carefully navigating the rocky path under his feet.
This is a little awkward. Maybe try breaking it up a bit more? "He hurried, using his pent-up, pre-teen energy to carefully navigate the rocky path under his feet."

Mary-Elle Pastor’s voice came like a song.
Aw, young love. Perfect.

They raced until they slowed down at the edge of the Black River.
I'd love to get a little more detail here. How far did they run? Did anyone see them? How did they react? How did Burton feel while he was running with her?

“Thank you. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”This line is so perfect with what we know about Mary-Elle's ( ... )