Wasps and Moths

[attentionhoard]

Comments

[insolentscrawl]

This is very pretty. I enjoy the imagery you've created and the sense of motion I got out of it. Very well done this week. I look forward to more.

[attentionhoard]

Thank you for your feedback!

[drippedonpaper]

I really like this. It is delicately woven, not immediately understood, as all good poetry should be (I write very plain, obvious poetry, sad really.)

I really like this part:

imprints
of the imprinted wings
that frighten wasps and moths
and keep the world still.

I find the idea that butterfly winds calm the world very intriguing.

I also like this line:

clear as a storm cloud,

Because there seems to be layers there, for storm clouds are not clear, rather clouded/indistinct, on some levels.

But my favorite part is this:

outside the walls
of the world
you’ve yet to come into.

I love the phrase: The world you've yet to come into.

The idea that it all exists, is already a complete world though it does not yet exist for me.

Very unique poem. Thanks for sharing.

[pipisafoat]

I wish I could give you better feedback on this, but I loved it. Favorite lines:
and kiss the corner
of my joints
with cool ink
and butterfly tongues.

It's so visual - great job.

[ephemeralbreath]

Hello! I'm ephemeralbreath and I'll be one of your editors this week.

I wanted to start this off by saying first and foremost, when it comes to writing and especially poetry, much of how things are formatted and written is expressly controlled by the writer, so just keep in mind that almost everything I'm going to be saying is just my opinion on it. Anyway, I'm sure you know this already, so let's get on with the editing! -rubs hands together-

So the way I do editing is to go through and read the piece, making comments on lines as I go, then going back and making additional comments after I finish. Here we go:

the folds on my skin
I think using "of" here instead of "on" would be more appropriate.

and kiss the corner
Use "corners" here, because there are multiple "joints" in the next line.

Only imprints / of the imprinted wingsThese were the only lines that felt a little off to me, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the use of the word "imprint" twice so close together. I just feel like I don't know where you're going with the repetition, other

[katden]

This is lovely.
I know nothing of poetry so I can only look at this with the wide eyes and open heart of a reader who enjoys imagery. Well done!!