The Atwood DITFT: Generation 4, Chapter 9
Author's Note: Welcome back to the Atwood legacy! Exciting news... I got a job today! Wooo! I'm really excited for it to start! I'm horrible at interviews, but I suppose I didn't do too bad! Anyway, I hope I will still have plenty of time to work on this legacy! I have definitely had more time lately, which is great, I love posting more than once a month! Can you believe we are so close to generation 5? Chapter 10 will be the last one of this generation! It won't be the conclusion of this plot line, but it will be where we switch over to the new heir's perspective. That said, enjoy one of our last chapters with Graham as the 'main character' :)
The Atwood DITFT: Generation 4, Chapter 9
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“You want to try out for ballet?” Graham asked.
Joey, who had just gotten home from school, bounced up and down excitedly, nodding her head. “Yes yes yes yes! Carrie and Margo are both joining and I want to do it too!”
Graham smiled. “Well, I don’t see why not. When are the classes?”
“Right after school twice a week!” Joey said. “And Carrie said her mom could drive us home after since we’ll miss the bus. It’ll be perfect! Please?”
“Joey, yes!” he laughed. “Well, we’ll have to talk to Mommy when she gets home just to make sure. But won’t that be fun?”
His daughter squealed and ran out of the room. “Thank you thank you Daddy!” she screeched.
“Where are you going?” Graham called, chuckling.
“To practice!”
He followed her up the stairs and found her in her room, standing in front of the mirror. She was carefully lifting her arms over her head, arching them gracefully, and mimicking ballet moves. “I can’t wait!” she exclaimed when she noticed her father in the doorway.
“You’ll be great, Princess,” Graham said with a smile. He felt a sense of something like relief, because his precious daughter was finally happy again. He still caught her looking at her brother’s grave sometimes, but for the most part, she was moving on.
When Genie arrived, Joey flew to the entryway to greet her, a tumbling ball of energy. “Hi Mommy!” she yelled. “How was the show? Did you and Clyde win? Did you make a bunch of money again? Did you get a cool trophy? Guess what I did in school today! We learned about all the states! I learned a song for it! ‘Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas…’” she sang.
Genie laughed and patted her daughter’s shoulder. “That’s great, sweetheart. Hey, Clyde is pretty tired today, but tomorrow, would you like another riding lesson?”
Joey’s eyes widened like saucers. “YES!” she shouted. She had only been allowed to ride once before, and she couldn’t wait to do it again. “Yes! Can we do it now, though, pleeeeease?”
Her mother smiled. “Sorry, sweet. I don’t want to push any of the horses too hard, and they’ve all had a lot of exercise today. Plus, it’s starting to get dark out there! Tomorrow, I promise.”
Joey sighed dramatically. “Okay, fine,” she said. “I guess that’s okay… OH!” she cried as she remembered why she had come down here in the first place. “Mommy! Daddy says I need to ask you this! Can I sign up for ballet lessons with Carrie and Margo? Please? Please?”
Genie hesitated. “Ballet lessons?”
“Yes! Twice a week right after school and Carrie’s mom will drive us home and I’ll still be able to do all my homework I promise and we can do horse lessons the other days and it will be SO FUN!” She paused, looking at her mother. Genie was still uncertain, and Joey began to feel nervous. Her mother had never said no to something she wanted this badly before.
“Joey, let me talk to your father about this, all right? Will you go up to your room for a little while?”
Confused, Joey began to climb the stairs. Why is Mommy being so weird? What’s wrong with ballet? As soon as she reached the top of the stairs, Joey realized she needed to find out. She turned right back around and crept down the stairs and toward the kitchen, where her parents stood talking in low voices.
“…don’t understand what the problem is,” Graham was saying. “Joey really wants this, and it’ll be a chance for her to spend time with her friends, be out of the house…”
“Yes, but how do you know it’s such a good idea?” Genie demanded. “What if the teacher is bad? What if the other girls are mean? Besides, ballet is just so… I don’t know… prissy, and-and-”
“Girly?” Graham supplied. Genie nodded. “I thought so,” he continued before she could say anything more. He thought he might have figured out where all this was coming from. “Gen, our daughter is a girly girl-that’s what she likes. I know you want a son, and we will keep trying, but-”
“But it will never work!” Genie cried. “I’m a horrible mother and I know it, and that’s my punishment! I can never have another child! I can never have a son!” She began to cry.
Graham felt a pang of sadness. “Sweetheart, I know it’s hard, and I’m so sorry. Please don’t think you deserve this; that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I wish I could help more.” Genie just cried into his shoulder. Graham steeled himself. “But… but, that’s no reason to take it out on Joey. I know she isn’t what you were expecting, but all we can do is support who she is. And all she wants right now is to join ballet.”
Joey, in her hiding spot, felt a smile spread on her face. Her daddy would always defend her. She still wasn’t sure what was bothering her mom, but she hoped she’d feel better soon, and that Joey would be allowed to do ballet anyway.
Genie looked up, tears still streaking her face. She sighed. “I’m sorry, Graham. I’m being selfish. I’ll go talk to her.”
Uh-oh, Joey thought, scampering away so she could be in her room before her mother got there.
Behind her, Graham embraced his wife. “We’ll keep working on that baby, all right? Maybe the third time is a charm.”
Genie smiled at him gratefully. “I hope you’re right.”
* * *
“Joey? Can I come in?”
Joey looked up from the floor, where she was absently playing with her dolls. “Sure,” she said.
Genie came in and sat on the floor next to her daughter. “I wanted to say I’m sorry about earlier. I… I think it’s a great idea for you to do ballet.”
Joey smiled, finally allowing herself to feel excited again. “Really?”
“Really,” Genie said. “Won’t it be fun? You and Carrie and Margo will all love it. You know, I always wanted to do ballet when I was little.”
“You did?” Joey said, surprised. “Well, why didn’t you do it?”
“My… my father didn’t want me to,” Genie said slowly. “We… well, we couldn’t really afford the lessons.” That wasn’t exactly true, but Genie didn’t want to get into the full story right then. Joey is too young to understand. “I’m glad we can afford it for you.”
“With all that money you and Clyde make, right?” Joey said.
“That’s right,” said Genie, smiling. “Plus, your daddy’s latest book has been really popular!”
Joey grinned. “It’s got a main character named after me, right?”
“That’s right,” Genie confirmed. “Josie, she’s called. Short for Josephine, just like Joey is.”
Joey smiled proudly, feeling very important. Genie stood up, patting Joey on the head, and said, “Well, don’t forget to do your homework, all right? And we will have riding lessons tomorrow afternoon.”
“Yay!” Joey squealed with joy.
* * *
Later, Graham came into Joey’s room. “Hey, Princess,” he said.
Joey looked up from her desk, where she was busily solving some multiplication problems. “Hi, Daddy!”
“Come sit with me a minute,” he said, gesturing to the two comfy chairs that stood in a corner. Joey stood up, abandoning her homework, and joined him. “You doing all right?” Graham asked seriously, looking at his daughter with assessing eyes.
Joey looked at him, confused. “I’m fine, Daddy. Why?”
“Are you still excited about ballet?”
“Yes!” she said exasperatedly. “Are you here to tell me I can’t do it, too?”
Graham looked sad. “No, sweetheart, of course not. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t put off by what happened earlier. I think-your mother and I both think-ballet is a great idea for you, and I don’t want you to worry that we don’t want you to do it.”
Joey scuffed her foot on the floor, avoiding her father’s eyes. “Okay.”
“Josephine,” he said sternly. She looked up at him, surprised to hear the full name no one ever used. “I promise you, I want you to do ballet lessons.”
Joey let a little smile creep onto her lips. “’Kay.” She fidgeted, picking at the hem of her skirt. After a small hesitation, she said, “What about Mommy?”
Graham sighed. Where do I begin? “You remember how we lost your little brother not too long ago?”
Joey bit her lip. “Yeah.”
“Well, it’s been very hard for all of us, and I know it’s been hard for you. But it’s been especially difficult for Mommy, since she was pregnant and hoping so much for that little boy to come out perfectly, the way you did. Your mother has had a lot of hard things happen to her in her life, and this one is tough for her to deal with. She’s still grieving over Charlie, so she might act differently around you sometimes and I know it can be confusing. But I promise she wants what’s best for you. We both do.”
Joey nodded, still picking at the hem of her skirt. “Okay. So I’m allowed to do ballet?”
“Of course you are!” Graham said. He wanted desperately for his daughter to regain the enthusiasm she had had just that afternoon, but the subject was tainted now. Although he could see Joey was excited, it was nothing compared to how she had been earlier. And there was a hint of wariness, of uncertainty, of a wall going up that Joey was using to protect herself, that Graham didn’t like at all. He stood, grabbing his daughter’s hand and pulling her to her feet as well.
“Come here, you,” he said, pulling her into a hug. “I love you so much, Princess. Don’t forget that, okay?”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
* * *
Graham was angry.
He stood on the porch of the farmhouse, watching Joey and Genie riding around the arena joyfully. He was painting, although he was hardly paying that any attention at all. He didn’t know when it had become a battle between Joey and Genie, but suddenly it felt that way, and it felt like he was siding with his daughter-and against his own wife.
Sure, right now, Genie and Joey appeared like the best of friends. They were both horse people at heart, and Graham knew it when he saw identical, vibrant smiles on their faces as they rode. Neither of them smiled that much anywhere else but with the horses. He was grateful they had that much in common, because it gave them a reason to spend time together, something he knew Joey craved.
But somehow, he almost thought that was worse. He was afraid that Genie was incapable of loving her daughter, incapable for some odd, illogical, and inexplicable reason that even Graham could only guess at. And he was terrified that this quality time they were spending together, this pretense of wonderful mother-daughter riding lessons, was doing more harm to Joey than good. If Genie couldn’t even support her daughter’s desire to take ballet lessons, what use was it for them to bond like this? Was it only in Genie’s approved activities that Joey could enjoy herself? And why should Joey get her hopes up-that this time, this time her mother would really be there for her-when that just was not true?
Wouldn’t it just be better for Genie to be distant and cold all the time, rather than this strange hot-and-cold attitude she had now? Wouldn’t it be better if Joey could at least know what to expect?
Graham wasn’t sure when it had gotten to this point. Here he was wishing Genie would stop spending time with their daughter, and almost angry at her for it. Hadn’t he spent the last eight years wishing the opposite?
But Joey’s listlessness after the ballet incident, her vulnerability to Genie’s feelings, left Graham feeling afraid. Joey wasn’t just a baby anymore-she was becoming a real, thinking, feeling person, a person who was very susceptible to her parents’ beliefs and to her mother’s unpredictable ways. Graham didn’t like it. He didn’t want Joey to grow up uncertain about her mother’s love for her. This was wrong.
And Genie, for that matter, should not be acting like this. They had lost Charlie-yes. But they still had Joey, and they had had her all along! Couldn’t Genie see what a gem their daughter was? Graham was amazed every day by Joey’s enthusiasm, her continued joy, her love for the horses and the dogs and her parents and everything about the world. He wanted to spend all his time with her. He wanted nothing more than to make her the happiest girl in the world. Wasn’t that what Genie wanted too? It should be. But Graham couldn’t tell anymore.
He remembered the incident with the tutu he had given Joey for Christmas when she was much smaller. How Joey had loved it, but Genie had thought it was too girly. What was Genie’s obsession with ‘girly’ things? Couldn’t Joey like girly things if she wanted to? Graham knew Genie wanted a son-hell, so did he-but to push their daughter into being a tomboy in the meantime… that was crazy.
That night, he tried to talk to Genie about it. He had given her some time after the ballet incident, hoping the riding lessons the next day would help Genie feel better about the way Joey was. But the truth was Graham couldn’t let it go, and he needed Genie’s mindset to change.
But although he had crafted the perfect sentence to say to her, and although she was still residually happy after spending the day with her horses, and although they both knew Graham was right, Genie still got upset.
“Look, you just don’t understand! Graham, I try to love her the way she is, I try! But it isn’t even about her.”
“Then what is it about, Genie? I don’t understand because you won’t help me to!”
“Don’t blame this on me!” she cried. “You can’t understand, or you won’t, and there’s nothing I can do! Don’t you just-don’t you wish for a son, too?” She began to sob.
Graham’s shoulders slumped. He felt the lines on his forehead crease. “I do, Gen, I do want a son, just like I know you do. But we have a son; we have Charlie,” he said softly. “And we have this beautiful, sweet, talented, passionate daughter, too. And I’m afraid you’re missing her because you’re focused on what she isn’t.”
“I just want her to be… good enough,” Genie whispered, barely audible through her tears. “I… want to be good enough.”
Graham bit his lip and said the lie he knew she needed to hear. “You are. You always have been, Gen.” He hugged her tightly. Suddenly he was overwhelmed by the compassion and empathy he had always felt for Genie before, but that had been missing lately. This wasn’t her fault. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” said Genie, but all the while, she wished she could truly make him understand. No one understood, and that was what terrified her the most.
* * *
Genie had known this was coming. After all, Apple had only been slightly younger than Lizzy. This was nothing compared to losing Lizzy, or losing-well, comparatively, this wasn’t so hard. But that didn’t make it any easier. That didn’t stop Genie from crying as they placed a headstone over the freshly made grave, marking the spot from which Apple would never move again.
“I’m sorry, Gen,” Graham said sadly, a hand on his wife’s shoulder. Nearby, Joey stood with arms wrapped around Clyde’s neck, crying quietly. These horses were like Genie’s children, like Joey’s siblings. It was hard to lose yet another one.
Genie turned and hugged Graham. “Thank you.” She sniffled. “I’ll miss her, but… I know she was in pain. I hope she’s more peaceful now.”
Graham stroked Genie’s hair absently. “You’re right,” he said. “With her joints, it was hard to walk… Still, I know you’ll miss her. We all will.”
Joey had come closer and was listening. “Clyde said he hopes Apple feels better now,” she announced softly.
Graham couldn’t help but smile. “That’s very sweet of Clyde.” He pulled his small daughter into a hug. “Did you ask Lucy what she thinks?”
“Lucy is more upset,” Joey said decisively. “She’s still in the barn, she doesn’t really want to talk to me right now. I’ll go see her later.”
“That’s good,” Graham said. “Sometimes people need space to grieve, but sometimes they just want someone to talk to.”
Joey nodded solemnly. “I won’t forget her,” she promised.
“That’s my girl,” Graham said.
* * *
It had taken a long time for Genie to be able to get out of bed every morning and face the fact that there were only two horses left for her to take care of. Some days Graham saw her lying listlessly in bed and silently did the job for her. Really, she could use the sleep anyway. He’d noticed her tossing and turning for hours each night as she tried to fall asleep.
But slowly, she had gotten there. As the days grew colder and snow once again blanketed the farm, Genie found herself spending more and more time outside. Winter had always been her favorite season, so she almost didn’t notice the cold air that bit at her face as she brushed her pride and joy, Clyde.
She was also pregnant again, a fact she was facing with a mixture of ambivalence, fear, and also joy.
“Mommy, you’re really huge this time,” Joey said in awe, staring at her mother’s belly. “Did you get that big with me in there?”
“Even bigger, if you can believe it!” said Genie. “We’ve still got three or four months to go before Sam will be ready to come out.”
“Did you ask the doctor if this one will be okay?” Joey asked seriously. She was worried that this time was going to be just like last time, that she would lose this little brother too.
“The doctor says everything is fine this time,” Genie assured her daughter. “You shouldn’t worry about it, sweet, okay?”
Joey smiled. “Okay. I can’t wait to meet him!”
“He won’t be much fun at first,” Genie warned. “But I’m sure you two will be great friends.”
“And I can teach him about horse safety!” Joey said enthusiastically.
“You sure can,” Genie laughed. “Speaking of that, would you like to do horse lessons? I won’t ride, but I think you’re big enough to ride by yourself and have me just watch.”
“Really?” Joey exclaimed. “Yay! Let’s go!” She scampered off through the snow, and Genie, smiling, followed as fast as her large stomach would allow.
* * *
The months flew by, and before they knew it, Sam was ready to come into the world. It had been nine years since Genie had experienced ‘real’ labor as opposed to the miscarriages, and she had forgotten just what it was like. Still, she was able to suffer through the pain almost cheerfully, so excited was she that the baby was on time, not too early, even a little late. Soon she would have a son of her own to hold in her arms and coo over with Graham, and their little family would be perfect.
Graham was there the whole time, holding his wife’s hand and helping her through the long and difficult labor. But they had both been through worse. This was nothing in comparison. Neither of them could quite believe that it was real, that Sam was on time and would be a healthy second child for them.
But then Sam finally arrived, and Graham knew from the looks on the doctors’ faces that something wasn’t right. And then he noticed there was no crying, no sound at all coming from the tiny newborn.
He looked at the doctors and nurses, desperate for some hope, desperately waiting for them to say something to ease the sudden fear that had gripped him. Sam was all right, he had to be all right, there was no way they had come this far for it to happen again-but-
The doctor sighed. “I’m terribly sorry,” she said. “There’s nothing you could have done.”
Graham looked at Genie, and there was disbelief in her eyes. Nothing else registered but the bluish tinge of Sam’s wrinkled skin, the utter stillness of his tiny body, and the terrible exhaustion that was sweeping over Graham.
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