The Atwood DITFT: Generation 5, Chapter 3
[Heh, I accidentally forgot to post this in the community instead of my regular journal the first time... my bad] Hello again! I think I've found a system that will make me post more often! It involves chapters being a little shorter, as well as more text-heavy with fewer pictures. Hopefully that works for you guys! I find it a lot less stressful which is nice. And it means more frequent chapters, yay! Like look at this, only two weeks after the last one! Yay, me!
The Atwood DITFT: Generation 5, Chapter 3
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“Okay, you guys, the school has asked us to play at Battle of the Bands in two months, so we have to figure out what to play!” Jared said enthusiastically.
Shaun, the bassist, said, “I made a list today during algebra of ideas.” He waved a piece of paper in the air.
Ellie smirked. “You too good for real schoolwork, huh?”
Shaun made a face at her, then said, “As if I’m ever going to need algebra in real life. Come on, seriously, let’s just look at the list and we can add to it if we want.”
In the end they settled on playing mostly covers of songs they liked, with a few of their own original works thrown in.
“Okay, now look,” Jared said seriously, sitting down to join everyone. “We have to be at the top of our game for this. That means everybody has to start shaping up. Evan, it’s great for you to channel your rage into your drumming, but don’t let it get out of control, you know? Joey, you have to deal with your stage fright. You’re just gonna have to get over it. And Shaun-”
“Excuse me?” Joey demanded. “I’m just gonna have to get over it? Is that what you just said to me?”
Jared was speechless. Nobody ever interrupted him.
“You knew what you were getting yourself into by inviting me to be part of this band,” Joey said. “You knew about the stage fright. You can’t just expect me to suck it up and make it go away.”
“Yeah, well that’s what most people with stage fright do,” Jared snapped. “Look at Shaun here. He used to shake worse than you, and it was a bigger deal on the bass than it is on piano. But you can’t just do nothing to change, or our band is going to lose at BotB and it’ll be your fault.”
“Oh, I’m sorry that I’m going to single-handedly destroy our chances at winning just because my hands shake a little bit when I play in front of people!” Joey yelled. “I’m sure it has nothing to do with your horrible guitar playing!”
“Jo,” Ellie said softly. But Joey wasn’t listening. Now she was mad. Now no one could stop her.
“You’re the worst guitarist I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet, and it doesn’t even matter that you don’t have stage fright because you’ll never get famous anyway! I don’t know why I put up with your bullshit! There’s no reason for you to always be such an asshole to me!”
Jared began, “What the-?!”
Evan cut him off. “Joey, holy shit, SHUT UP. You are the one being an enormous asshole right now, okay? Get the fuck out if you don’t like Jared’s playing or leadership style or fuckin’ whatever it is.”
Jared glared at Joey. Ellie was making a pained face, and Shaun was busy buffing his glasses with the edge of his shirt.
“Joey, let’s leave,” Ellie said suddenly. “I’ll be right back,” she added when Shaun made a noise of disagreement. Jared stomped off to the TV area, Evan on his heels. Ellie forcefully steered Joey out of the garage and out to the sidewalk in front of the house.
“Holy shit, girl, what was that?” Ellie demanded when they were definitely out of earshot of the boys. It was raining, but neither of the girls seemed to notice.
Joey glared at her feet as she walked and twisted her hands. “I don’t know.”
“I’m serious, what the fuck were you thinking?” Ellie’s tone was much more serious this time.
Joey shrugged. “He insulted my playing.”
“He didn’t, though. He just said you should work on your stage fright! Come on, you’re an awesome musician, no one is denying that, but Battle of the Bands is a huge deal and is going to have a HUGE audience. You know that’s true!”
“Yeah, and maybe I don’t want to do Battle of the Bands,” Joey shot back. “And maybe I don’t want to work on my stage fright.”
“Don’t want to, or don’t know how?” Ellie asked, more gentle now. They turned a corner and found a park bench to sit on.
Joey shook her head. “Neither. Both.” She sighed.
“I know stage fright is hard,” Ellie said softly. “But you can get over it, if you work at it. Battle of the Bands could be a huge step in the right direction for you. I know when you learned piano you probably never learned about stage fright… I mean, your mom never played in front of anyone, did she?”
Joey shook her head again.
“So she probably never had to teach you how to do that well.”
“She never taught me anything at all,” Joey finally said.
“What?”
“I told you guys my mom taught me piano. It’s not true. I didn’t touch our piano until after my mom died. It… reminded me of her.”
“Oh.” Ellie looked at Joey with sad, pitying eyes. “I see.”
“Don’t tell the guys I lied.”
“I won’t.” Ellie paused for awhile. “But Jo, that means you taught yourself?”
“Yeah, so?”
“SO? So, that means you’re even more amazing than we thought you were!”
Joey pretended to yawn. “Yeah, right,” she scoffed. “I can’t play in front of more than three people or I lose all functionality of my hands. I’m the furthest thing from amazing. Jared was right. I’m going to completely suck at Battle of the Bands, and when we lose, it will be because of me.”
“Absolutely the wrong way to think about this,” Ellie said. “Don’t you even start to allow yourself to think that. Come on. We’re going to get rid of your stage fright, and then we’re going to crush every other band that stands in our way.” She stood up. Joey stared at her blankly. “Well,” demanded Ellie, “come on! I don’t have all day!”
“We’re going to get rid of my stage fright right now?” Joey asked.
“Obviously!” Ellie said. “Now hurry up!” And she began to walk away.
Sighing, Joey stood up and followed her friend. She couldn’t help but laugh just a little as she walked.
* * *
Joey found her father sitting idly in a chair in the kitchen.
“You hungry, Dad?” she asked, making her way to the fridge. It had been about a year since the band had gotten together, and she was almost never home until dinnertime these days. She tried to make it home by then, however, because her dad wasn’t exactly reliable about eating.
Graham made a noncommittal sound with his throat.
“Well, what about pasta tonight?” Joey suggested. “Goopy carbonara? Your favorite. Or at least your favorite of the things I’m actually capable of making.”
“Sure,” mumbled Graham. In Joey’s head, Graham added, Thanks so much for cooking, sweetheart!
Joey made dinner without forcing conversation. She had come home from practice in a good mood, as usual (she and Ellie appeared to be making some progress on her stage fright issue), but now she was starting to get mad. Why couldn’t her dad be the one making dinner? Why was it always like this?
By the time she served the food, she was fuming. She slammed a plate down in front of her father, the clunk of china on wood oddly satisfying for her. “Here.”
“Thanks.”
The two ate in silence for a few minutes.
“So I learned about mental illness in school today,” Joey finally said.
Graham looked up, worry and possibly even fear etched into his expression. The lines in his face were incredibly pronounced. He was much older than his years.
“Yeah, I guess fifteen is the age they finally think you’re ready to deal with it,” Joey went on. “I learned all about anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar… and suicide.” She looked at her father, hard.
Graham looked away.
“You know what I didn’t know, Dad? I didn’t know just how much of a choice suicide is. Yeah, I guess when you told me about it, you didn’t mention that it’s not like her brain actually stopped working or anything. She was sad and she couldn’t handle it, and she decided to kill herself.”
“Joey…” Graham seemed to be experiencing physical pain from his daughter’s words. She watched as they cut him like knives, but she couldn’t stop herself.
“You never told me exactly how she died, did you? You just said she was sick, and that was it. That was it, Dad! How did she really die?”
Graham stayed silent.
“TELL ME, Dad!” Joey was crying and yelling now. “You have to tell me! I have to know! You’re not protecting me by refusing to talk about this with me!”
Graham had begun to cry now, too. “Princess, I-”
“Oh, don’t ‘Princess’ me! Your little princess died the day her mother did, Dad, and you’re just too weak to acknowledge that!”
“Joey…” Graham was tired, he was so tired, and he just wanted to go back to bed, where he had been all day.
“I just want you to be honest with me! Why can’t we talk about this? Mom died five years ago, Dad, FIVE YEARS. And not ONCE, not even one single time, have we talked about it since then! There was that one pathetic time that Aunt Jackie forced you into putting me in therapy, but that was idiotic and unhelpful and you know it!”
“This has been hard for both of us, you know, not just you. You knew your mother for nine years; I knew her for more than twenty. You might feel well enough to talk about this right now, Josephine, but I absolutely do not!”
Joey felt a little better now that Graham was finally standing up for himself. Yeah, yell back at me! she thought. Call me by my full name! Still, his words had been hurtful. “Oh, so since she was ‘only’ my mother who died and not my wife, I don’t get to feel sad about this? Is THAT what you’re saying?”
“I don’t know why you’re insisting on fighting right now, Joey,” Graham sighed. “You know that’s not what I was saying.”
Joey stood up, the tears that she had held at bay a moment ago now threatening to spill over again. “You know what? Fine. Fine! You don’t want to talk about it? That’s fine. But don’t be surprised when I find out. I know there were newspaper stories about it. If you want me to learn the cause of my own mother’s death from the fucking newspaper, instead of my own father, then fine. I will.” She began to walk away, then turned back to face him one last time. “And I hope you don’t expect me to be doing any of those fucking dishes tonight. Not this time. Let me wallow in self-pity while you do all the work, for once in my fucking life.”
Angrily she wiped her eyes, taking one last look at her father before she turned her back on him and walked out of the room.
* * *
The beauty of Graham being an almost completely incompetent parent was that Joey wasn’t even in trouble the next day for yelling and swearing at her father.
Somehow, this did not make Joey happy. In fact, as she dragged herself to band practice after school that day, totally unhindered by punishments or curfews of any kind, the only thing she really felt was sadness.
If I had a normal dad, I would totally be grounded right now, she thought bitterly. Why does it feel like Dad died the day Mom did?
Her heart was not in her music that afternoon. She thought Ellie had sensed her mood as soon as she walked in, but now everyone could tell something was up. “Jo?” Ellie asked tentatively after they had played a few songs. “Everything okay?”
The band had long since made up after Joey’s outburst. They had been practicing hard for Battle of the Bands, which was now only two weeks away. Joey had made a lot of progress with her stage fright-Ellie had taken her to the park and they had done some busking together, an activity that terrified Joey less and less every time they went. But her lackluster playing today caught everyone off guard, since they had been working so diligently for BotB.
“It’s kind of complicated,” Joey sighed. She realized she would probably be comfortable sharing her problems with the band, which was a fairly new development. But it honestly was such a long story.
“You know,” Jared said, “I feel like we all deserve a break today. Don’t you guys?” He glanced around. Evan shrugged noncommittally, though Shaun nodded. “In fact, I was thinking we could sneak some booze from my parents’ cabinet and go out to the beach tonight. Make a bonfire or something?”
“Sounds good to me,” Ellie said immediately. “Soften up my singing pipes, you know.” She winked.
Evan and Shaun were soon agreeing. Joey had never tried alcohol before, but she would be sixteen in the fall. And she couldn’t seem like a coward in front of the band, of course. Swallowing her apprehension, she nodded her agreement.
“All right then,” Jared said decisively, setting down his guitar. “You guys want to go change into something warmer? It might get chilly once it’s dark. I’ll meet you on the beach at 5:00? And can someone bring like hot dogs to roast or something?”
“I got it,” said Shaun.
“Cool. See you guys soon.”
“It’s practically a vacation,” Ellie chuckled to Joey as they headed out of the garage. “I didn’t think Jared would ever suggest a day off!”
Joey just hoped it wasn’t her fault for being so out of whack.
* * *
Shaun offered to take care of the bonfire.
Everyone laughed when Jared burned his marshmallow beyond repair. Jared scowled and defiantly ate it anyway.
“It’s better burnt,” he said, his disgusted frown giving the lie away.
By the time the sun had gone down, each of the kids had eaten between two and four hot dogs and twice as many s’mores. The beer had been brought out, and Joey was sipping hers cautiously. She didn’t really like the taste, but it gave her a pleasantly warm feeling.
It was on the second or third beer that everyone began to talk about more deeply personal subjects. Joey realized that the band had never really opened up about their families before.
“…guess I feel like my older brother gets all the love and attention because he gets such good grades and does football,” Shaun was saying. “And I just play bass in a dumb band, and get B’s and C’s in school.”
“B’s and C’s?” Evan demanded. “My parents would love if I did that well.”
“We should swap folks,” Shaun said dryly. “Maybe yours would appreciate me more than mine do.”
“Doubtful,” Evan grumbled.
“You want to tell us what was bugging you earlier, Jo?” Jared asked, looking at Joey carefully. “I mean, if you want to.”
Joey shrugged. “I wasn’t kidding that it’s a long story,” she said, “but I can if you guys are actually interested.”
“Aw, come on,” Shaun said. “I told you about my shitty family. You should always feel free to tell us about stuff.”
Joey smiled a little at that. “Fair. Mine’s about my family too.”
She started in on the story. “It’s not even really about my mom anymore. I mean, you guys all know the deal with my mother, right?” She looked around the circle of her friends. They nodded slowly, almost hesitantly. “She killed herself when I was nine. Part of what sucked is that my dad had no idea how to tell me about it. So he just told me that there was something wrong with Mom’s brain, that that was why she was so sad all the time and that was why she died. He didn’t say, like, she chose to kill herself, she was so sad that she couldn’t take it anymore and took a bunch of sleeping pills. So I always thought of it kind of like brain cancer or something.”
Joey shifted in place, uncomfortable. She realized she’d never said any of this out loud before, not even to Margo and Carrie.
“Um. So the other day in health class we talked about mental illness. And I learned all this stuff that I had never known before. I don’t think my dad necessarily kept things from me on purpose, he just wasn’t ready to talk about any of it. He still isn’t. But I learned about suicide and how it happens. And it’s a choice, it’s a fucking choice, and my dad wanted to pretend that Mom was some innocent victim who couldn’t help it and who died so tragically but come on, she killed herself.” She noticed tears on her cheeks but found that she didn’t care. “So I confronted him about it, because I was so fucking pissed off, and he just shrugged me off. He couldn’t even deal with it. It’s been five fucking years, and he still can’t even think about it or talk to me about it. I just want to talk about my mom because it’s the only way she’ll ever be in my life again! And he won’t even give me that. I’m so mad at him! He wouldn’t even tell me exactly how she died. I never thought to ask, you know? I just assumed, well, hey, her brain stopped working. But it wasn’t that-she had to actively do something to end her life. He wouldn’t tell me what she did. So I found the newspaper articles online.”
“Oh, Joey,” Ellie said sympathetically.
It occurred to Joey then. “And I bet all you guys have always known, you’ve known for fucking years how my mother died, and I didn’t!” She hit the sand with her fists. “I can’t fucking believe this.” She felt the rage taking over her again. She didn’t try to stop it; it was easier than the grief she’d been feeling before. “Fuck my dad, fuck my life! I hate everything about this, I hate him!”
Jared moved closer to Joey and rested a hand on her arm. “Hey. Some people just suck at dealing with grief. Sounds like your dad is one of those people. If you ever need to talk about it with someone who can actually handle it… I’m here.”
“Me too,” Ellie said. Shaun and Evan nodded solemnly.
Joey looked around the circle of her friends, her band, and couldn’t help but smile a little. “Thanks, you guys.”
“More beer,” Shaun said decisively, moving toward the cooler nearby.
“Hear, hear!” Ellie said.
Joey accepted a cold bottle gratefully.
As she watched Shaun (ever the daredevil) playfully swatting the fire, Evan staring morosely into the distance, and Ellie and Jared chatting idly, she felt a sense of warmth and belonging. What would I do without these guys?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Poor Joey :( I feel so bad writing all of this lol. I love her so much and I am putting her through so much shit. :( It's been planned since way before she was born, though, so I can't really back out now! I hope I'm making it up to her by giving her good friends. Oh, and can anyone guess what trait Joey got aging up?? :P Anyway, let me know what you thought! And thanks for reading :)