you know, i am on vacation in the one place i love more than anything. so why am i not happy? well, i know several reasons why im not happy but that is besides the point. im on fucking VACATION...i should be having the time of my life. but alas...this seems to be an impossibilty for elissa. i havent had a decent nights sleep in god knows how long because everytime i lay down my mind races and i cry off and on and feel like i am going to sufficate so i have to get up and do something else to keep my mind distracted. so ive kinda just gotten in the habbit of just staying up all night and into the daytime untill i literally pass out. not healthy at all, but i cannot help it. i wish more than anything that i could just shut my head off just long enough to sleep like a decent person. normal people arent up at 3 or 4 or 5 in the morning typing in their journals because they have nothing else to do.
i want to talk to my mom...i NEED to talk to her. she should be here for me right now and the fact that she isnt makes me angrier and worse off than i already am. this was supposed to be OUR trip...the girls. thats it. period. and then she just up and invited donn. and even better then that is that she never once told me personally that she invited him and she never once asked me if i was ok with that. i found out he was coming from gina...because she told her....didnt tell her own goddamn daughter (who was very much so looking forward to this little girls only trip) but she tells my fucking best friend. and to make it even better she gets all pissed at me the day we are supposed to leave because i was supposed to help move donns stuff over to my moms place and i had to take jer back down south and got stuck in horrible traffic both ways so i was home late and she was all pissed cause we were running out of time. and YET...donn shows up a HOUR after we were already supposed to have been GONE and he hasnt even packed or anything...just fucking waltzes in and my mom doesnt say a damn fucking thing. gets pissed at me but is all "oh hey honey youre home" chipper ass bullshit when he comes in way fucking later than me...by HOURS. and the fucking icing on the cake is that she fucking dumps us off at my grandmas house when we get up here so her and donn can go fuck all night in a hotel and see all the sights, that WE GIRLS were supposed to go see, withOUT us. the point of this whole fucking trip was for us to see colorado and all the sights together...and all ive seen thus far is trinidads fucking "history" and my grandmothers condo. and what have they done? dropped us off and went all over sight seeing and fucked in a hotel. and when i need her most...when i need someone to talk to more than anything...when i need my MOTHER...she is off in her own little world.
the other night i had to sit there and hear my dreams being popped right before my eyes. im not moving to colorado anymore. "so are you saying you dont want elissa to stay with you?" "no, no i dont." exact. fucking. words. they sat there and talked about me as if i wasnt even there. but then again, when do people act like i AM there? no one seems to ever really LISTEN to me. no one ever asks what i think or how i feel. they just assume i am some horrible stupid incompitent irrisponsible person who cant think for themself...when in fact every FUCKING thing they pointed out to me i had thought about MONTHS ago. i always do and everyone always comes back around later spewing the same shit i already said like they are some fucking genious who thought of it for me first because im too stupid to think of it first.
it hurts. it hurts a lot. and it hurts that they all just sat there and participated in that horrible slander...that he KEPT talking about it all night like i wasnt sitting right the fuck there. "she needs to do this....she needs to do that....she has to change this and be that and stop this and go here and blah blah blah" no one ONCE asked me what i had planned. they just assumed i didnt think of all this shit before. and im really fucking tired of everyone expecting me to fail just because i am my mothers daughter. its not fair. they never see the good things i do...they dont see the fact that (unlike my mother) i graduated high school and im not PG and im not getting married and i do have goals and plans for my future and i will go to college and i will do the right things to make ME happy. no, they are just always expecting me to fuck up like my mom. "just dont get pregnant" "dont get married younge like your mother" "you sure you can do that?" .....
i wanted to move more than i have ever wanted anything in my entire life. this was the first thing i decided for myself to do...the first step to being ME. the one thing i KNEW would make me happy...and now...well everytime i think about "and now..." i start crying. i know one day i will get out...i know one day i will get back up here and make my dreams a reality, but its going to take so much work. and i have nothing in texas. i have no reason to be happy to be there. i hate it there. i have so many bad memories there and so many bad things have happened to me that i just rather get out and say a big hearty "fuck you" to texas. and while it shouldnt, it makes me mad that i dont have a reason to be happy about staying in texas because gina does. i dont have anyone and the fact of the matter is i dont see that changing for a long while. i know im not attractive. and i know that because the evidence shows it. if i was attractive guys would actually show interest in me...and i mean more than sexually. i mean interest in me as a person and as a human being and as someone who is willing to love completely and totally and be and do whatever it takes to make my someone happy. guys dont wish they could be with me. guys dont look at me and thing "man id really like to talk to her and get to know her". and the only guys who ever seem to be attracted to me are assholes, stalker freaks, and guys who are just looking for a "good time".
im tired. im tired of trusting and getting hurt. im tired of hoping for something and thinking it will REALLY happen this time and having it blow up in my face. im tired of there always being some new horrible thing in my life to deal with. im tired of people treating me like shit. im tired of being discarded for the next person. im tired of being ignored. im tired of being used. im tired of being alone. im tired of being paranoid. im tired of being lied to. im tired of being harrassed and humiliated and hated. im tired of being the bad guy. im tired of being wrongfully judged and im tired of people who will listen to all the bullshit people say and believe it and go along with it because that is the "cool" thing to do but still pretend to be my friend. its real easy for you to sit there and judge me and make assumptions about me and who i am, but really, if you are doing that, you are no better than you think i am...in fact i am willing to bet you are worse.
i feel very alone. frightened. helpless. lost. tired. bitter. hurt...