(no subject)
leaving tomorrow to go back to school. just had a huge fight with my mom over money. she's thinks i'm an idiot and a child to think i can move away from home after graduation. but then she says i can't move home because it wouldn't be good for me or her but how could i think of doing anything but moving home, i'm completely irresponsible and immature for having such notions and wanting to work for my church or a non-profit or temping so i can work for three nails because it won't give me enough money and she can't help me like last summer. we've had this fucking conversation at least 20 times over the course of the school year and i hate it how she says she has faith in me and she believes in me and i wouldn't be graduating if she didn't believe in me and then she goes back to that shit.
and then my dad and my grandma who don't provide for me say i have to go away from home and just get a job to get by and i can't go home and millions of kids have done it and blah blah blah and i tell them they don't understand, they don't understand about mom, they don't understand about the money and they say "I wish you could be more light-hearted at your age." and they don't understand! i can't even pay my credit card bill and my mom says i'm going to end up just like my parents bankrupt with bad credit if i mess up and i'm NOT A BAD KID! I'M A GOOD KID. I DON'T GO OUT AND DRINK, I DON'T SLEEP AROUND, I MAKE IT THROUGH MY CLASSES, I'M NOT FRIVILOUS WITH MONEY, I DON'T DO DRUGS OR MOUTH OFF TO MY PARENTS OR EVEN GET FUCKING TRAFFIC TICKETS. and then i come home and she buys me clothes and things i need for school and i tell her she doesn't have to and she insists and i say thank you and then before i go back she uses it against me and swears and yells saying she hates how we fight before i leave and gives me guilt when i start to cry and i can't stop crying and she gets so mad and she doesn't know what it's like, what it's been like. to have gone through the bankruptcy, to have lost the house and the car and dad's job and DAD and the divorce and the terrible things she said and did when i became a Christian, telling me I was a disgrace and embarrassment to the entire family and the depression and knowing that she's made life choices that have totally screwed me up and trying to just get by with academics at grove city and all the boy relationship crap i've dealt with and...fuck, it just hurts so much sometimes just let me fucking cry, it's not a cut to you so rid yourself of guilt dear mother and sleep peacefully but for all the crap i've been through just let me fucking cry a while.
well if you didn't know about my baggage, you do now. I'm sorry, I know thing will be better back at school despite midterms, well okay maybe they won't but eventually. I know God is with me and that I'm am priceless in Christ and He has great plans for me and loves me consistently and unconditionally and without that i know i'd be dead but coming home is so wonderful and so horrible. my mom is so completely wonderful and loving and caring and then it's jekyll and hyde and this happens and i want to slam my head against the wall.
please hug me the next time you see me. chances are i'll be in need of someone telling me they love me.