The Fire of the Sun -- Chapter Six
Title: The Fire of the Sun
Author: audreyii_fic
Fandom: Twilight (Team Jacob)
Rating: T
Characters: Full cast (Jacob/Bella, Sam/Emily)
Genre: Romance/Angst/Wolfpack!Humor
Warnings: Language, violence, and references to adult behavior. See here for more details.
banner courtesy of untilwebleedoz
Summary:
Sequel to The Movement of the Earth. Bella finds the cost of joining the supernatural world may be higher than she can pay. ( Click here to start from the beginning.)
Chapter Six:
A/N: A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who raised their hands. I don't even know what to say other than it's unbelievably humbling to have you guys as readers.
watch my back so i'll make sure / you're right behind me as before / yesterday the night before tomorrow
Lykke Li, "Tonight"
6. Prom
"Okay," Jessica said excitedly, modeling in front of her full-length mirror, "what do you think? Does this work?"
I took in the full effect: the dark red dress, the high black heels, the loose up-do, the smoky eye makeup. "You look great, Jess," I said truthfully. I was sitting on the edge of her bed, trying not to nervously scratch holes into the eyelet lace of her comforter. "Mike's going to be miserable."
"I know, right?" Jessica's smug smile interfered with her effort to reapply her lipstick; she had to grab a cotton ball from her vanity and wipe off the smudges before trying again. "I mean, if he's going without a date, there's no reason I can't go without a date. Except I'm going to have tons more fun than him and dance with everyone and he can just stand against the gym wall like the loser he is."
"I bet." I hoped I sounded neutral; it was hard to keep from commenting on the fact that clearly the entire point of the dress and the heels and the hair and the makeup was to get Mike back. I wasn't even sure if Jessica was aware that that was the point. "Well, I'm sure you'll have a great time."
"Definitely." She smoothed out an imaginary wrinkle on her skirt, then glanced at me in the mirror, smirking. "What time is the vampire arriving, then?"
I winced. "Please don't call him that. And Jake said he'd be here at seven." I glanced at the clock radio on Jessica's nightstand; six forty-nine. "So... soon."
"Why aren't you getting ready, then?"
"I am ready." Everything was taken care of. I'd told Charlie I was 'spending the night at Jessica's house' instead of going to prom; he wasn't expecting me home until ten tomorrow morning. My backpack was full of supplies after a trip to the local drug store -- which had been a thoroughly horrifying and very expensive experience since Angela seemed to think I needed at least one of every form of protection ever invented. I'd already gotten about twenty nervous breakdowns out of the way and still had ten minutes left for a few more. It seemed like I was set...
...but apparently I was missing something important, given the despairing look Jessica wore. "What?" I snapped defensively.
"Bella," she said, "you're wearing plaid."
I frowned. "Yeah?"
Jess heaved a dramatic sigh of frustration and turned to face me, hands on her hips. "Please tell me you've got something cute in that backpack that you're about to change into." When I shook my head she groaned. "Ugh. Crisis. Open up the closet, let's see if I've got anything that'll fit you."
I pulled open the closet doors; everything inside looked, for lack of a better term, girly. "I don't want to dress up," I said, looking on with suspicion as Jessica started rifling through the hangers. "The whole point of going to Jacob's to watch movies was to not dress up."
"Well, yeah, but you can't just wear the same thing you wear every day."
"Why not? Jacob likes it." I hoped.
"Clearly. I saw the way Jacob Black looks at you. But you've gotta show a boy something new on special occasions." Her smirk widened. "Like when you're watching movies."
"We are watching movies," I insisted.
"Uh-huh." Jessica pulled a simple scoop neck shirt off of a hanger. "Here, put that on. It'll match your glove." I glanced down at my hand; the brown leather did look decent with the blue cotton. "I'll grab the eyeshadow."
Wait. "Eyeshadow?"
"Um, yeah. Now change." I unbuttoned my plaid shirt as she turned away to sort through her pile of cosmetics, muttering to herself.
I had put this on wondering if Jake would be the one to take it off.
This was all so painfully, messily complicated. We were doing everything backwards. Jacob and I had only even kissed twice, and now I had a backpack full of condoms and was trying to figure out who would be the next person to remove my clothes: me, him, or possibly Jessica. It was such a huge leap forward...
...and at the same time, it almost felt like a milestone that we'd just run right by without remembering to stop. What might happen was about being, well... intimate. But everything we'd already said and done... we'd never seen each other naked, but we'd shared the same bed for part of nearly every night for the last two months. We knew each others' secrets. We'd saved each others' lives. We were soul mates. Imprints.
Jacob had laid his head on my bare stomach and whispered his love into my skin, half-asleep and smiling.
It was difficult to believe there could be more intimacy for us than that.
That being said... if we did this... would it be more? Or would it just be filling a blank, like a missed question on a math test? If this made us more... I wasn't sure I could handle what we would be like as more. I couldn't even define what we were now, so what would more be?
Or maybe we'd just watch movies.
Apparently I had had time for just one more nervous breakdown.
"Here. 'Hawaiian Sunset' should do the trick." Jessica held a palate of colors in her left hand and wielded a brush with her right. "Close your eyes."
I looked the brush warily. "This is ridiculous--"
"No, it's not. Now close your eyes or I'll accidentally stab you in the cornea and you'll swell up and be gross and then what'll Jacob say?"
I shut my eyes quickly.
"That's better." I felt a gentle tickling sensation across my face as Jessica started applying whatever 'Hawaiian Sunset' was. "And don't worry, all right? I'm not gonna make you look like a slut or something."
"I'm not saying that," I protested, trying not to move too much.
"Yeah, you are." The brush moved across my forehead -- why was she putting makeup on my forehead? "Look, I know people think the whole mascara-and-cute-clothes thing plays into the oppression of the patriarchy, but that is such a second-wave mindset. There's nothing oppressive about wanting to look your best for someone you like. It's instinct. We just use The Gap instead of flashing our purple butts like baboons, you know? Okay, open up."
I blinked a few times; Jessica examined me with a scrutinous look. "Take your hair out of that ponytail," she commanded.
"Don't put it up," I warned, pulling out the rubber band. Jessica started running a comb through the strands almost before they hit my shoulders. "It'll just fall out. It always does."
"That's because it's too heavy." The comb strokes ended as quickly as they began, and I felt my hair getting twisted into plaits. "You should really think about cutting it into some layers or something."
"I'm not cutting my hair."
"Suit yourself." Jessica plucked the rubber band from my fingers and tied it into the base of my hair. "All right, I think we're good. Check it out."
I stood up and took a hesitant look in the mirror... and my eyes widened.
Jessica knew her stuff. Almost nothing had changed, but I looked better. The scoop neck showed some skin but not enough to make me uncomfortable; the makeup highlighted my features without coloring them. And my hair had been pulled back into a long, thick braid, which looked absolutely common and normal and somehow still a little... nice.
It worked.
"Bella, you own the 'Girl Next Door' look," Jessica said, looking proud of herself. "From flannel to fabulous in less than ten minutes. I'm awesome."
"You are," I said. "You really, really are."
"I know. Now, back to important stuff." Jessica held up a silver bracelet against the red satin of her dress. "Is this good, or is it too Christmas-y? I don't want to look like I'm wearing tinsel, you know?"
"No, I think it's good," I said uncertainly, not sure what 'good' really meant in this situation. Luckily I was spared from having to elaborate by the sound of a car horn from the driveway.
Jessica raised an eyebrow. "Did he seriously honk? Bella, you need to teach the kid some manners." She pulled back the curtain from the window as I anxiously checked my reflection again. "Hey, wait," she said, sounding confused, "I thought you said that thing was wrecked."
"Huh?"
The car horn sounded again... and I realized it sounded familiar.
Holy crow.
I dashed out of Jessica's bedroom and down the hallway so fast that I skidded the last several feet to the front door and almost tripped over an orange cat. The scars in my hand pulled in protest as I turned the knob too eagerly, but then I was outside -- where Jacob Black was getting out of my Chevy pickup with a huge, sunny grin on his face.
"You fixed the truck!" I gasped, terrifyingly close to squealing.
"Well, I could've brought you a corsage or something, but I thought you maybe you'd like this more." He looked enormously pleased with himself. "It's running pretty good. Still needs some body work though."
"It's perfect!" I circled the truck -- my truck -- happily, checking out the repairs. The front grill and windshield had clearly been replaced, but the dents in the hood and bumper had only been roughly beaten out and the side mirrors were both cracked. Flakes of paint were missing all over the front, leaving a dappled gray and red behind. Heavy rust was starting to set in. "I've never seen anything better in my life!"
"Yeah, I know what you mean." I glanced back to see Jacob looking at me, not the pickup.
An annoyed humph carried from the front of the house. "Well, 'bye." Jessica waved from the doorstep sarcastically and held up my backpack. "Guess I'll just be keeping this, then."
I blushed. "Sorry," I apologized, walking back toward the front door and taking the bag sheepishly. "Jessica, this is Jacob Black; Jake, this is Jessica Stanley."
Jacob grinned at Jessica as he leaned against the truck and crossed his arms; the setting sun made the russet tones of his skin even warmer. "Thanks for being the cover story," he said. "I really appreciate it."
Jess blinked for a moment at the image Jake presented, apparently speechless. But she recovered quickly. "No prob. But you can always repay me by, you know, letting me know the next time you and your brothers are having a party or something. I'll bring a jar of salsa and everything."
"Sure, sure."
I gave Jessica a quick hug as best I could without damaging her dress, makeup, or hair. "Have a good time at prom," I said. "Make Mike jealous."
"Oh, I will. I don't care if I have to let Tyler cop a feel on the dance floor, Mike's gonna be in agony." Jessica quirked an eyebrow at me. "You kids have fun watching movies." She made quotation marks in the air.
I heard Jacob snicker quietly.
"Um, we will," I stammered. "See you in the morning."
"And I'm going to need, like, every detail, you know that, right?"
"Uh-huh." After another quick hug I made a beeline for the truck, unable to keep meeting Jessica's knowing gaze. I could hear her giggling as she shut the front door.
"'Brothers'?" Jacob asked, clearly suppressing a smile.
My blush deepened. "She asked if you had any, and, well... do you think they'll be mad?"
He laughed. It was the fullest, most Jacob sound I'd heard in a long time. "Are you kidding? Embry'll fall in love. Which is good, since I owe him and Quil a ton of favors for helping with the repairs."
"Oh." That made sense; if the truck had been as bad off as I'd been told, there was no way Jake could have managed it on his own, not with the total lack of free time he'd been having. "Well, what about Quil? Do I need to dig up someone else for him?"
Jacob shook his head, a strange look on his face. "Nah, Quil's doing fine for himself." When he caught my confused expression, he glanced away uncomfortably. "I'll tell you about it another time. Let's not talk about any of that stuff tonight, okay?"
"Sure." I was completely on board with that; a vampire- and werewolf-free evening sounded wonderful. Especially given that Jasper had been true to his word; there'd been no sign of the Cullens since the fight. Maybe they'd finally understood. Maybe they'd left.
Maybe this was the start of lots of vampire- and werewolf-free evenings.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Absolutely." I touched the red metal of the hood with a smile. "By the way, I'm driving."
"That's why I brought it." And he grinned again as he opened the door for me.
***
"Okay. So. We have a very, very important decision to make."
"Yeah?"
"Pepperoni or sausage?"
I looked up from the enormous stack of VHS tapes -- potentially life-threatening if they ever avalanched -- and raised an eyebrow at Jacob. He was staring into the open freezer, contemplating the frozen pizza options. There was no sign of Billy; apparently he was at a Makah meeting up north. "Anything healthy? Or at least with some vegetables?"
"Healthy? I think you're missing the point of pizza, Bells."
"Pepperoni, then."
"Done. Which movie do you want to watch first? I pulled all the prom ones out, they're sitting on the TV."
I ran my finger along the spines of the beaten cassettes. "I can't believe you have all these."
"They're my sisters'," Jacob corrected quickly. The microwave pinged, and the room filled with the smell of fake butter. "Rach and Becca were really into those high school romantic comedy things and they used to make me watch with them. I didn't have any choice about it."
"No choice, huh?" I managed to keep a straight face, but only barely.
"None."
"So which one's your favorite?"
"Breakfast Club. Judd Nelson kicks ass. But that's not prom."
"Okay, then, we'll start with Pretty in Pink."
"Cool." Jacob grinned and tossed me the steaming bag of popcorn. "Let me do it, the tape player's sticky."
I settled back onto the couch and watched as Jake flicked the television on and did some sort of complicated wiggle-thing to get the cassette into the slot. He was joking, relaxed, totally natural... while I felt like I was full of butterflies. Good butterflies, but butterflies nonetheless. But when he sat down next to me the anxiety faded; he propped his feet up on the table as the movie began and I settled against his side, feeling calmer almost instantly, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
"Are you gonna hog the popcorn?" Jake asked, reaching for the bag.
"If I don't you'll eat it all." I moved the bag to the other side of my body. It didn't help. Jacob's arms were too long. One handful, and the popcorn was already a third gone. "Hey!"
"Mm'hungry!"
"But what'll we throw at the TV?"
"I'll make more."
"Ugh. Fine." I started to get my own handful, then stopped myself; I still had my glove on.
Without taking his eyes off the television screen, Jacob caught my wrist and tugged gently on each finger until the leather came away to reveal my scars. "Have you seen the remote? I can't hear the crappy eighties music."
I smiled and reached into the bag. "Nope."
***
We'd gone through two and a half movies, the pizza, three bags of popcorn, and a bottle of Coke when I remarked, "I think I've figured out the formula."
Jacob was working his way through the unpopped kernels at the bottom of the bag. He looked down -- I'd settled deeper and deeper into the couch, and now I was laying flat with my legs propped up on his lap -- and raised an eyebrow. "Formula?"
"Yeah." I gestured at the television, where Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles were playing paintball. "All the movies we've watched have been exactly the same, except for names and locations."
"And soundtracks," Jake added. "I haven't heard any Psychedelic Furs since John Hughes."
"Well, yes. But the point is they're all the same thing. Girl is anti-social; boy comes and sweeps her off her feet. Boy and girl got to prom. Boy turns out to be a jerk, but then they make up and everything is roses. Girl becomes beautiful and popular and usually rich. The end. It's the Cinderella story over and over. Romantic, but there's not a lot of originality or creativity there."
Jacob turned back to the paintball fight; the leads had started making out on a hay bale. "Gotta tell you, I wasn't really paying attention." He stroked my shin, but his voice sounded strangely distant.
I frowned. What just happened? "Did I say something wrong?"
"Of course not," he said automatically.
"Jake--"
My sentence was interrupted by the ringing of the kitchen phone. Jacob jumped off the couch like it was on fire and sprinted to answer, leaving me in a tangled, confused heap on the cushions. I'd definitely just done something wrong, but I wasn't sure what.
"Hello?" Jacob paused for a moment, listening -- then his expression darkened. "I thought you were staying up there tonight."
Uh-oh.
"I know, Dad, but that's not what you said--"
I checked the clock: almost one AM. I didn't feel sleepy at all, though. Just... fidgety. Maybe it was all the Coke I'd had to drink. I glanced down; my right leg was jiggling. Jacob had been right about that.
A long sigh. "No, don't worry about it, I already ate." He glanced over at me. "I've gotta run patrol in a few minutes, though. You'll be fine by yourself?"
Patrol?
"Good. All right. See you in the morning." Jacob hung up, looking irritated. "Billy's on his way," he explained unnecessarily. "I knew I should've gotten some Xanax."
So, after all that... My shoulders slumped and, to my extreme embarrassment, I felt tears start to prick at my eyes. "Okay. I guess I'll go home, tell Charlie that Jessica and I had a fight or something--"
"What? Why?"
I blinked, surprised by the alarm in Jacob's voice. "Well, if you don't want me to stay here and you're going on patrol--"
"I'm not going on patrol."
"But you said--"
Jacob started to laugh, and his demeanor relaxed. "Bells, honey, it's called an alibi. You are way too trusting." He walked over and turned off the TV as I blushed. "C'mon, let's get out of here."
"Where do you want to go?" I said, feeling like a moron. Of course it was an alibi. Obviously I was as bad at reading lies as I was at telling them.
He paused, then smiled slightly, studying my face. His expression was almost disconcertingly free of the struggling imprint look. "Wanna take a walk on the beach?" he said, all innocence.
Oh.
I tried to keep my features schooled in a neutral expression as I shrugged off-handedly. "Sure. That sounds like fun."
His smile widened. "Okay. We'll take your truck. Billy would wonder why the Rabbit was gone."
"Yeah, that makes sense," I said. Then I swallowed.
The truck had a lot more room than the Rabbit.
I grabbed my backpack on the way out the door.
***
The breeze coming off the ocean felt warm for the first time I could remember; whenever I'd come to First Beach since I'd moved back I had shivered uncomfortably. Now, though, even in the middle of the night and only with Jessica's thin shirt on, I was perfectly comfortable. And even though I hadn't been here since the most awful night of my life, I wasn't frightened or fearful.
It might've had something to do with the person walking next to me.
We didn't have to talk; there was no awkwardness in just being together, wandering aimlessly, thinking our separate thoughts. But that didn't stop the butterflies that still fluttered beneath my skin. The sand kept shifting under my feet; the thought of my backpack, waiting on the floor of the cab, loomed large in my mind. I wasn't sure what Jacob was expecting. I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting.
After several minutes, he broke the companionable silence. "Hey, Bells, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you remember playing here when we were kids?"
I paused and turned to look at Jake. He was staring at a spot not far away, near a rocky outcropping; his face was illuminated in the bright moonlight. It seemed to be a fairly serious question to him. "Yeah, some," I said slowly. "Why?"
"I dunno, I was just... what do you remember?"
"Well... I know I mostly sat on the picnic tables and read while our dads fished, and..." I sorted through the vague memories, looking for russet-skinned children. "I remember Rachel and Rebecca laughing at me because I couldn't swim."
"They did that a lot," he muttered. "But I mean... here."
"Um..." I frowned. I had hazy recollections of making mudpies with Jacob when we were young, back when Renee had had to accompany me on the trips to see my father, which had always been awkward even to my six-year-old self. But that had been in the Blacks' backyard, not at the beach. There were other times, I knew there were, they were tickling at the edge of my mind... something hot and popping, the smell of smoke... "There was a bonfire, right?"
A grin started to spread slowly across Jacob's face, brighter than the moon. "Yeah, there was."
Okay, apparently this was what he'd been looking for. I made an effort to picture it, to think of the few bonfires I'd been to and remember this one in particular. Charlie and Billy would have been there, and the twins probably... maybe Jacob's mom, too, but I didn't want to bring that up. I'd met Sarah a handful of times, but all I could recall was that she'd always carried cinnamon gum in her purse. That couldn't be what Jacob was asking about.
I tried to focus.
Warm touches, fear of getting dirt on my dress...
The images snapped into place. "We were little," I said. The purring thing inside me thrummed with contentment as the vision became clearer. "Really little. There were a lot of people there after fishing. You got charcoal on your hands and wiped it on my face." Jake nodded encouragingly; I could practically feel the fire, see the intent concentration of the black-haired boy -- who wasn't much older than a toddler -- as he very carefully made smudges on my skin. Afterward there was shouting... "Someone got angry."
"Old Quil." Jacob looked smug. "I showed him though, huh? The spirits obviously didn't mind."
It clicked together. At the time I hadn't understood, but now-- "You drew tribal marks on me."
"Yep," he said, sounding satisfied. He reached up and ran his thumb gently along my cheek, down my nose, across my forehead. I felt myself heat up even further, as I always did under his touches. "I'd seen other people do it at ceremonies. Didn't know it really meant anything or that there were rules about that stuff; you were pretty and I thought you would look good with your face painted. You did. And I think I added a smiley face."
I shook my head in wonder. "How can you remember this? You couldn't have been more than three."
The expression on Jake's face flickered. "All my memories of you got a lot clearer... after." He obviously didn't like admitting this was related to the imprint. "There were more of them than I'd realized. I wasn't sure if you could see more, too."
"I don't know. I haven't tried." I certainly would now. "You like that memory most?"
Jacob paused, then nodded again. "Yeah," he said softly. "I do." He leaned forward and brushed his lips where he'd traced the marks a moment earlier; soft brands across my face.
My heart sped up in anticipation, and I tread into unknown and uncertain territory, into areas I knew nothing about but Jacob seemed to be contemplating tonight. "If you wanted," I offered, "maybe... you could do it again sometime?"
"Yeah," he whispered. "I think I'd like that."
And Jacob brought his mouth to mine. The contact was warm, hesitant, fleeting, and achingly tender. By the time he pulled away -- all too soon -- my eyes had drifted shut and my left hand was resting on his arm.
"That should have been our first kiss," he murmured.
What? I blinked, then looked up at him. "Why?" I asked, confused. "I liked the others too."
"You did?"
"Well, yeah." I held onto his shoulder, raised myself onto my tiptoes, and smiled. "I mean, the circumstances weren't great, but... I wouldn't wish them away, Jake." I wouldn't wish any of my moments with him away. Not even the less-than-good ones.
Jacob looked at me long and deep... and the uncertainty in his face started to give way to that familiar burning fervor. I felt my body waking in response, ready to accept his advances.
Then he closed his eyes with a choked noise and leaned his forehead against mine. "I don't know what to do, Bells," he whispered. His frame shook. "I always thought I'd just feel it out as I went, but my instincts are all messed up... I don't know what I'm supposed to listen to, I'm not sure where one thing starts and the other begins and I'm not sure I care anymore and I hate that, I wanted it to be just us..."
His fingers had curled around the back of my neck and were brushing lightly along the skin.
He might be confused, but I had never, not once in my entire life, been so certain of what I wanted.
I stepped backwards, out of his arms. He watched me distance myself with an agonized expression. I took a steadying breath... and found, to my shock, that I didn't need to be steadied.
I reached over my shoulder and slowly undid my braid, letting plait after plait of hair fall down my back.
Then I pulled the blue shirt over my head.
Jacob's eyes widened.
We stared at each other in silence for a long moment.
Finally, Jake cleared his throat. "Uh, Bells... when I said I didn't know what to do... this wasn't what I was talking about. Just, you know, in case you were wondering."
"Don't worry," I said. "I wasn't."
"Okay then." He swallowed -- I could see his throat moving in the shadows -- and reached forward to run his palms along my skin, throat to waist. He left flames behind; every one of my nerve endings came alive and called for more. Jacob felt it or maybe just guessed, because he stepped closer and kept touching me, finding new places that made me bite my lip, new areas to claim with increasing confidence. I closed my eyes and kept my hands to myself, knowing my chance would come soon.
His fingers fumbled with the hooks at my back and then there was a cool breeze against my exposed body.
I heard him inhale raggedly. "Bella..."
"I've got a bag in the truck," I said.
***
Later, with my backpack emptied onto the floor of the cab and my sweaty hair tangled in the seat belt, as I lay back and focused on committing every single detail of this moment to memory, Jacob rubbed his nose along my jaw. "Bells," he murmured, still catching his breath.
"Yeah?" I couldn't believe how perfectly his body fit against mine.
He paused, hesitating for nearly a full minute, then whispered something into my ear. Something in Quileute. I didn't know the words, but I was pretty sure I knew their meaning.
My arms tightened around his back.
"I love you too."
***
The morning light was just tinting the sky pink as we slowly traveled from La Push to Forks. For the first time in my memory Jacob was driving a good ten miles under the speed limit.
"Hey, Jake?"
"Yeah?" He had a silly grin on his face and drove one-handed, scratch marks from my cast visible on the back of his neck; his fingers were still threaded through mine.
I tried to suppress my own smile. "You made another wrong turn."
"Did I."
"Uh-huh."
"Hmm. Guess it'll be a little longer then."
"Mm-hmm." I checked my hair in the rear view mirror; if we took too much longer I wouldn't have enough time to take a shower before leaving Jessica's, and I had to take a shower. Going home in this state was a recipe for disaster. I looked like I'd been ravished.
I had been.
I bit my lip to hold back a giggle.
"You all right?" he asked concernedly, looking away from the road as I shifted with a wince. My body only ached a little -- nothing that a few aspirin wouldn't fix. It was to be expected... especially given the number of times Jacob had pulled me close and made me gasp his name.
We hadn't gotten any sleep.
"Honey?"
I kissed his knuckles in lieu of a response, and he chuckled.
We drove in silence for another couple of miles -- during which Jacob turned left instead of right again -- before I thought of something, something I'd wanted to ask about. "Jake? Why were you upset with me?"
"Huh?" He glanced over again. "I wasn't upset with you. When was I upset with you?"
"During the movie. I said something wrong, didn't I?"
"Oh. That." Jake's tone turned distant. "No, you didn't say anything wrong."
"So what annoyed you?"
"Nothing annoyed me."
"C'mon--"
"Do we have to talk about this right now?"
I flinched back from his words; they weren't remotely sharp or cold, but I'd gotten so used to the cheerful warmth of the last several hours that this felt harsh by comparison. "I guess not," I said, my voice tiny. "I was just wondering."
He grimaced at my tone and rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand. "Sorry," he murmured. "It's fine. I just..." He sighed. "I was thinking about how it was great for all those Cinderella girls, getting the guy who could take care of them. Romantic and stuff."
What? After all this, was he... "And why would that bother you?" I asked haltingly, suspecting the answer.
Jacob shrugged. The speedometer on the truck was inching higher. "That stuff matters."
"Not to me," I snapped.
"It matters to everyone," he said quietly. "I'm not an idiot, Bells. I know I can't give you the things the bloodsucker could." It was the first time he'd mentioned Edward.
I was struck dumb, my mind in complete overdrive. Before now, it had never occurred to me that Jacob would feel inferior to Edward about something, even if that something was as impersonal as wealth. Not once.
Jacob was different, not less. Jacob wasn't inferior in the slightest.
"He kept trying to get me a new car," I said suddenly. "Something faster, or safer, or both. He thought I should drive an Audi."
It took Jacob a long moment to respond. "Must've been nice," he said. "That he could just buy you something like that."
"No, Jake, I hated it. I didn't want him to spend money on me, but he did it anyway." I was saying these things out loud to make Jacob feel better, but I was surprised by the depth of feeling in my voice. It was true. I had hated it. "He'd take me to these fancy restaurants in Seattle and pay for everything and then just watch me eat because he couldn't. He didn't mean anything by it, but... And when I had the broken leg Alice would put me in these really expensive clothes and laughed when I spilled something on them like silk is nothing, and they threw me a birthday party with crystal and roses even though I begged them not to and they would all make jokes about my truck but I didn't want a Audi!"
Jacob had become very still.
"An Audi is a good car," he said finally. "Really fast."
I shook my head. "I never drive fast."
"And it's shiny," he added.
"Flashy, you mean."
"Everyone would look at you and be really jealous."
"I don't want people to look at me."
"It's a lot more impressive than a Chevy pickup." He was focused on the road; I couldn't read his expression.
We'd stopped talking about vehicles. "No, it's not," I said firmly. "And anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb. I don't let anyone talk bad about my truck. I love my truck." A little smile formed on my lips. "Even more so now, I think. Fond memories and all that."
The truck slowed, then pulled over to the side of the highway; the shocks vibrated as we left the pavement. Jacob cut the engine. "Fond memories, huh?" he said, his eyes mischievous, radiating warmth again.
I tugged on his fingers. "I could always use a few more." The soreness wasn't all that bad, really.
He didn't need any more prompting than that.
The dim light in the sky had brightened to true morning by the time Jake turned the key in the ignition again.
***
We'd been in front of Jessica's house for almost ten minutes, but I was still having an awfully hard time getting out of the truck. Breaking contact didn't feel like a realistic option.
"You should probably head inside," Jake said lightly, his voice muffled -- which made sense, since he was speaking the words against my throat.
"Uh-huh," I responded, distracted; I was too busy feeling under his shirt to focus on much of anything except the soft-and-hard texture of his stomach beneath my fingertips.
When I brushed lower, teasing along the waistline of his shorts, Jacob inhaled sharply and reached for my wrist. "Okay, Bells, we really can't do this."
"Why not?"
"Because we're in the middle of a residential street and someone would call the cops. Then your Dad would get here--"
I jerked away and pulled Jake's shirt down quickly. That didn't even bear thinking about.
He burst out laughing, a soul-deep sound of happiness that made me glow. "I love you so fucking much," he said as he brought his mouth to mine again, the obscenity dropping from his lips and sounding sweet. His kiss was too short, though. "And I'll see you soon."
"Tonight?" I asked hopefully. Uh-oh. Would my bed squeak?
"No, since I got last night off I'll have to run two patrols in a row. Tomorrow night, though. I'll be there." Jacob reached past me and opened my door; his expression took on a conflicted look as he did so. He didn't want me to leave, either. "Maybe earlier, if I can swing it."
"Okay." I frowned, then patted the dashboard lovingly. "I wish I could keep the truck." If I took it home Charlie would obviously wonder how I'd gotten it.
"Well, you only have to wait another week."
I looked up. "Huh?"
Jacob's face brightened further, if that was even possible. "Your graduation's next Saturday, right?"
Oh.
"Right," I said, my voice faint.
If Jacob noticed my hesitation he didn't let on. "I'll see if I can get a few more dents out before then," he said, looking through the windshield at the banged-up hood. "And give it a wash before I take it to Emily's. It'll be in good shape, I promise."
"Uh-huh." I swallowed. "Will you talk to her for me, by the way? You know... get the details... how long I can stay, how much stuff I should bring, money, those kinds of things..."
"Sure, sure," he said happily. "I'll get it all worked out. No problem."
"Okay." As I climbed out of the cab, I tamped down on the little flutter of panic that tried to rise in my stomach. "See you soon."
"Really soon." His smile was so sunny that I could feel its warmth across my skin; it felt good. It felt right. "Bye, Bells."
"Bye, Jake." I waved as my truck disappeared around the street corner.
Graduation was coming. Things weren't better. In a week I would be moving to the reservation, just like I'd promised.
And I had to find a way to tell Charlie.
One breath, in and out. Two. Three.
I turned my face up to the cloudy but brightening sky and thought of soothing things. I imagined the sensation of Jacob's fingers stroking my waist, the feel of his rapid exhales against the back of my neck; the smell of his sweat and the sound of his moans. It calmed me almost instantly.
I'd figure something out.
Behind me, a door opened with a creak of hinges; I wheeled around, startled, expecting to see Jessica coming out onto the front stoop to tease me--
--it wasn't Jessica.
My mouth dropped open. "Mike?"
Mike Newton looked up as he stepped onto the sidewalk, his eyes widening at the sight of me. His tuxedo jacket was rumpled. "Oh," he squeaked, his voice about an octave higher than usual. "Um... hi, Bella."
"What are you doing here?" The question was only an automatic knee-jerk response, because it was all too obvious exactly what he was doing here.
"I... uh..." And I'd thought I was the only one capable of turning that red. "Just... um..."
"I'll see you Monday, Mike," I said quickly, letting him off the hook.
"Right. Monday. See you." He scooted past me and all but dove into his car, and I let myself into the house. The sound of tires squealing nearly rattled the window panes. A older blond woman in a bathrobe lay snoring on the couch; I tiptoed past, down the hallway, and rapped my knuckles quietly against Jessica's bedroom door. "Jess?"
"Bella? Is that you?"
"Yeah."
Jessica opened up and motioned me in with a rapid wrist movement; I dashed past and she shut the door again quickly. "So." She looked me over, chewing on her lower lip; her eyes were bright and her hair fell in a snarled mess across her shoulders. Her red satin dress lay in a heap in the corner. "How was your night?"
"Pretty good," I said. "Yours?"
"Pretty good."
We both held our breaths for a few more seconds... before collapsing onto her bed in joint fits of blushing hysteria.
***
"Then Mike shoved Tyler into the punchbowl," Jessica gushed, pulling into my driveway. Charlie's cruiser was nowhere to be seen; he must still have been out. I was home a whole fifteen minutes before my promised time of ten. "And, you know, I'm really not into the whole masculine-territorial-display, but let me tell you, I am never gonna knock the he-man thing again. When Tyler hit the floor I felt my ovaries explode."
Yesterday I would have blushed, but today I was pretty sure I knew what exploding ovaries felt like. "I didn't think Mike had it in him."
"Neither did I, but let me tell you, he does." Jessica flashed a smug, knowing grin at me. "He so does."
Those mental images weren't exactly what I was going for this morning, but I couldn't help giggling anyway. Jessica's good mood was contagious; or maybe it was me. Either way, it felt wonderful.
"Okay. So. I'm gonna go home and call Angela, and then we are definitely having another girls' night tonight. I told you everything, now you've gotta spill your guts."
I looked down at my hands, trying -- and failing -- to hide a smile. "I already said. We watched movies, took a walk on the beach, went back to my truck, and... yeah."
Jessica rolled her eyes. "Those are not details. I need more than that."
"We'll see." Maybe I'd feel differently in a few hours, but right now I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to keep all the memories for myself. Besides, I was pretty sure words would fail me if I tried to describe the feel of Jacob's hands holding onto my shoulder blades.
My smile widened.
"Wow," Jessica said. She was watching my face with a somewhat amazed expression. "You seriously love him, don't you?"
I bit my lip and nodded, but didn't say anything more. That part was ours, too, and I wasn't ready to share it with anyone else.
"Well, hope it's worth all those 'complications' you keep talking about."
"It is."
It is.
I got out of the car, and Jessica drove away with a little wave and another knowing grin. I stayed in the yard for a moment, looking up into the oak tree and the hazy sun trying to shine through the leaves.
I smiled.
It definitely is.
I just had to find a way to make Charlie understand.
"Bella?"
I gasped, the sweet, bell-like tone making me jump -- and looked into huge, liquid gold eyes that searched my face beseechingly.
Alice stood next to me; I hadn't heard her approach. She grabbed my hand and her stone touch felt completely wrong to my skin. "Bella, listen," she said quickly, lowly. "You still have those tickets, right?"
"Alice, what are you doing here?"
"The tickets, Bella," she repeated as though she hadn't heard me. "The ones you got for your birthday."
I tried to pull away, but my wrist was caught in her marble grip. "Let me go," I hissed through clenched teeth. "I don't want to talk to you."
"You have to use them." The dark, purplish bruise-like shadows under her eyes looked worse than usual. "You have to. Decide to go see your mother in Jacksonville. Today. Decide it right now."
"Stop it." Anger flared hot and bright in my chest; I didn't want this. I wanted to go inside and lay down and think about my night before I fell asleep and hopefully had good dreams. "Go away. I don't want you here."
"Bella." Alice's voice took on a note of command; I felt myself respond dully, more willing now to hear her words. She hadn't released my arm. "I'm serious. It's hard to see you -- you're blurry all the time now, sometimes you disappear entirely -- but I can see enough, do you understand? I've been trying all week and it shifts but I see enough of what's going to happen and it's bad, Bella, every possibility is bad and you don't want to be here for it. You can't be here for it. You have to leave."
My fury overcame the effects of her sweet, imploring demeanor, and I yanked my hand free of her touch. "No," I spat. "No. I'm not going anywhere. You can't make me leave Jacob. Edward will just have to get over it."
"Bella, I'm begging you. Do this. Go to Florida. Just for a few weeks." I'd never heard her sound this desperate; I'd never heard anyone sound this desperate. "You can come back afterward -- we'll go, we'll all go, I promise, I'll convince Edward, you'll never see us again -- but for now you have to leave. Please don't make me do this the hard way, you're not safe and when you're not safe they won't be able to think--"
"I'm never safe!" My voice broke, but I didn't cry. I was too frustrated to cry. "I'm never safe enough for you! I'll never be safe enough for you! I don't want to be safe! Go away and leave me alone!"
I just wanted to lay in bed and think about my night and remember, I wanted that one little thing, couldn't I--
--there was a pinch.
I looked down.
Alice was pulling a needle out of my arm.
I hadn't even seen her move.
"I'm sorry, Bella," she whispered miserably. "I'm so sorry."
Jac--
Then everything went black.
end of book one
***
Book Two: Preface
Sanity Update: In my next fandom I'm only writing about whores, trollops, and sluts. Minimum of sixty previous sexual partners apiece. I spent almost two weeks banging my head against the wall for this chapter, and Blanche Delirium was once again achieved. It would flat-out never have gotten written without mera_naam_joker (who figured out the transitions) and gypseian (who let me cannibalize her own version of prom night).
Hiatus is now in place. It will probably only last two weeks, three at the most; gotta prep for the next part as well as do some of the side writing that's piling up. I'm sure y'all won't mind, being as I left it in such a resolved spot... *cough* Seriously, though, it's not open ended. If the next chapter's not up by March 30 feel free to hunt me down like an animal.
In the meantime, go and check out the Jacob Black 'n' Pack Winter Awards. I found a whole bunch of fics there I'd never heard of and they are fabulous. (Full disclosure: My stories are nominated for a few. That being said they're honestly nowhere *near* the best in several of the categories, so I'm not asking for votes. Read everything before making a decision.)
Author: audreyii_fic
Fandom: Twilight (Team Jacob)
Rating: T
Characters: Full cast (Jacob/Bella, Sam/Emily)
Genre: Romance/Angst/Wolfpack!Humor
Warnings: Language, violence, and references to adult behavior. See here for more details.
banner courtesy of untilwebleedoz
Summary:
Sequel to The Movement of the Earth. Bella finds the cost of joining the supernatural world may be higher than she can pay. ( Click here to start from the beginning.)
Chapter Six:
A/N: A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who raised their hands. I don't even know what to say other than it's unbelievably humbling to have you guys as readers.
watch my back so i'll make sure / you're right behind me as before / yesterday the night before tomorrow
Lykke Li, "Tonight"
6. Prom
"Okay," Jessica said excitedly, modeling in front of her full-length mirror, "what do you think? Does this work?"
I took in the full effect: the dark red dress, the high black heels, the loose up-do, the smoky eye makeup. "You look great, Jess," I said truthfully. I was sitting on the edge of her bed, trying not to nervously scratch holes into the eyelet lace of her comforter. "Mike's going to be miserable."
"I know, right?" Jessica's smug smile interfered with her effort to reapply her lipstick; she had to grab a cotton ball from her vanity and wipe off the smudges before trying again. "I mean, if he's going without a date, there's no reason I can't go without a date. Except I'm going to have tons more fun than him and dance with everyone and he can just stand against the gym wall like the loser he is."
"I bet." I hoped I sounded neutral; it was hard to keep from commenting on the fact that clearly the entire point of the dress and the heels and the hair and the makeup was to get Mike back. I wasn't even sure if Jessica was aware that that was the point. "Well, I'm sure you'll have a great time."
"Definitely." She smoothed out an imaginary wrinkle on her skirt, then glanced at me in the mirror, smirking. "What time is the vampire arriving, then?"
I winced. "Please don't call him that. And Jake said he'd be here at seven." I glanced at the clock radio on Jessica's nightstand; six forty-nine. "So... soon."
"Why aren't you getting ready, then?"
"I am ready." Everything was taken care of. I'd told Charlie I was 'spending the night at Jessica's house' instead of going to prom; he wasn't expecting me home until ten tomorrow morning. My backpack was full of supplies after a trip to the local drug store -- which had been a thoroughly horrifying and very expensive experience since Angela seemed to think I needed at least one of every form of protection ever invented. I'd already gotten about twenty nervous breakdowns out of the way and still had ten minutes left for a few more. It seemed like I was set...
...but apparently I was missing something important, given the despairing look Jessica wore. "What?" I snapped defensively.
"Bella," she said, "you're wearing plaid."
I frowned. "Yeah?"
Jess heaved a dramatic sigh of frustration and turned to face me, hands on her hips. "Please tell me you've got something cute in that backpack that you're about to change into." When I shook my head she groaned. "Ugh. Crisis. Open up the closet, let's see if I've got anything that'll fit you."
I pulled open the closet doors; everything inside looked, for lack of a better term, girly. "I don't want to dress up," I said, looking on with suspicion as Jessica started rifling through the hangers. "The whole point of going to Jacob's to watch movies was to not dress up."
"Well, yeah, but you can't just wear the same thing you wear every day."
"Why not? Jacob likes it." I hoped.
"Clearly. I saw the way Jacob Black looks at you. But you've gotta show a boy something new on special occasions." Her smirk widened. "Like when you're watching movies."
"We are watching movies," I insisted.
"Uh-huh." Jessica pulled a simple scoop neck shirt off of a hanger. "Here, put that on. It'll match your glove." I glanced down at my hand; the brown leather did look decent with the blue cotton. "I'll grab the eyeshadow."
Wait. "Eyeshadow?"
"Um, yeah. Now change." I unbuttoned my plaid shirt as she turned away to sort through her pile of cosmetics, muttering to herself.
I had put this on wondering if Jake would be the one to take it off.
This was all so painfully, messily complicated. We were doing everything backwards. Jacob and I had only even kissed twice, and now I had a backpack full of condoms and was trying to figure out who would be the next person to remove my clothes: me, him, or possibly Jessica. It was such a huge leap forward...
...and at the same time, it almost felt like a milestone that we'd just run right by without remembering to stop. What might happen was about being, well... intimate. But everything we'd already said and done... we'd never seen each other naked, but we'd shared the same bed for part of nearly every night for the last two months. We knew each others' secrets. We'd saved each others' lives. We were soul mates. Imprints.
Jacob had laid his head on my bare stomach and whispered his love into my skin, half-asleep and smiling.
It was difficult to believe there could be more intimacy for us than that.
That being said... if we did this... would it be more? Or would it just be filling a blank, like a missed question on a math test? If this made us more... I wasn't sure I could handle what we would be like as more. I couldn't even define what we were now, so what would more be?
Or maybe we'd just watch movies.
Apparently I had had time for just one more nervous breakdown.
"Here. 'Hawaiian Sunset' should do the trick." Jessica held a palate of colors in her left hand and wielded a brush with her right. "Close your eyes."
I looked the brush warily. "This is ridiculous--"
"No, it's not. Now close your eyes or I'll accidentally stab you in the cornea and you'll swell up and be gross and then what'll Jacob say?"
I shut my eyes quickly.
"That's better." I felt a gentle tickling sensation across my face as Jessica started applying whatever 'Hawaiian Sunset' was. "And don't worry, all right? I'm not gonna make you look like a slut or something."
"I'm not saying that," I protested, trying not to move too much.
"Yeah, you are." The brush moved across my forehead -- why was she putting makeup on my forehead? "Look, I know people think the whole mascara-and-cute-clothes thing plays into the oppression of the patriarchy, but that is such a second-wave mindset. There's nothing oppressive about wanting to look your best for someone you like. It's instinct. We just use The Gap instead of flashing our purple butts like baboons, you know? Okay, open up."
I blinked a few times; Jessica examined me with a scrutinous look. "Take your hair out of that ponytail," she commanded.
"Don't put it up," I warned, pulling out the rubber band. Jessica started running a comb through the strands almost before they hit my shoulders. "It'll just fall out. It always does."
"That's because it's too heavy." The comb strokes ended as quickly as they began, and I felt my hair getting twisted into plaits. "You should really think about cutting it into some layers or something."
"I'm not cutting my hair."
"Suit yourself." Jessica plucked the rubber band from my fingers and tied it into the base of my hair. "All right, I think we're good. Check it out."
I stood up and took a hesitant look in the mirror... and my eyes widened.
Jessica knew her stuff. Almost nothing had changed, but I looked better. The scoop neck showed some skin but not enough to make me uncomfortable; the makeup highlighted my features without coloring them. And my hair had been pulled back into a long, thick braid, which looked absolutely common and normal and somehow still a little... nice.
It worked.
"Bella, you own the 'Girl Next Door' look," Jessica said, looking proud of herself. "From flannel to fabulous in less than ten minutes. I'm awesome."
"You are," I said. "You really, really are."
"I know. Now, back to important stuff." Jessica held up a silver bracelet against the red satin of her dress. "Is this good, or is it too Christmas-y? I don't want to look like I'm wearing tinsel, you know?"
"No, I think it's good," I said uncertainly, not sure what 'good' really meant in this situation. Luckily I was spared from having to elaborate by the sound of a car horn from the driveway.
Jessica raised an eyebrow. "Did he seriously honk? Bella, you need to teach the kid some manners." She pulled back the curtain from the window as I anxiously checked my reflection again. "Hey, wait," she said, sounding confused, "I thought you said that thing was wrecked."
"Huh?"
The car horn sounded again... and I realized it sounded familiar.
Holy crow.
I dashed out of Jessica's bedroom and down the hallway so fast that I skidded the last several feet to the front door and almost tripped over an orange cat. The scars in my hand pulled in protest as I turned the knob too eagerly, but then I was outside -- where Jacob Black was getting out of my Chevy pickup with a huge, sunny grin on his face.
"You fixed the truck!" I gasped, terrifyingly close to squealing.
"Well, I could've brought you a corsage or something, but I thought you maybe you'd like this more." He looked enormously pleased with himself. "It's running pretty good. Still needs some body work though."
"It's perfect!" I circled the truck -- my truck -- happily, checking out the repairs. The front grill and windshield had clearly been replaced, but the dents in the hood and bumper had only been roughly beaten out and the side mirrors were both cracked. Flakes of paint were missing all over the front, leaving a dappled gray and red behind. Heavy rust was starting to set in. "I've never seen anything better in my life!"
"Yeah, I know what you mean." I glanced back to see Jacob looking at me, not the pickup.
An annoyed humph carried from the front of the house. "Well, 'bye." Jessica waved from the doorstep sarcastically and held up my backpack. "Guess I'll just be keeping this, then."
I blushed. "Sorry," I apologized, walking back toward the front door and taking the bag sheepishly. "Jessica, this is Jacob Black; Jake, this is Jessica Stanley."
Jacob grinned at Jessica as he leaned against the truck and crossed his arms; the setting sun made the russet tones of his skin even warmer. "Thanks for being the cover story," he said. "I really appreciate it."
Jess blinked for a moment at the image Jake presented, apparently speechless. But she recovered quickly. "No prob. But you can always repay me by, you know, letting me know the next time you and your brothers are having a party or something. I'll bring a jar of salsa and everything."
"Sure, sure."
I gave Jessica a quick hug as best I could without damaging her dress, makeup, or hair. "Have a good time at prom," I said. "Make Mike jealous."
"Oh, I will. I don't care if I have to let Tyler cop a feel on the dance floor, Mike's gonna be in agony." Jessica quirked an eyebrow at me. "You kids have fun watching movies." She made quotation marks in the air.
I heard Jacob snicker quietly.
"Um, we will," I stammered. "See you in the morning."
"And I'm going to need, like, every detail, you know that, right?"
"Uh-huh." After another quick hug I made a beeline for the truck, unable to keep meeting Jessica's knowing gaze. I could hear her giggling as she shut the front door.
"'Brothers'?" Jacob asked, clearly suppressing a smile.
My blush deepened. "She asked if you had any, and, well... do you think they'll be mad?"
He laughed. It was the fullest, most Jacob sound I'd heard in a long time. "Are you kidding? Embry'll fall in love. Which is good, since I owe him and Quil a ton of favors for helping with the repairs."
"Oh." That made sense; if the truck had been as bad off as I'd been told, there was no way Jake could have managed it on his own, not with the total lack of free time he'd been having. "Well, what about Quil? Do I need to dig up someone else for him?"
Jacob shook his head, a strange look on his face. "Nah, Quil's doing fine for himself." When he caught my confused expression, he glanced away uncomfortably. "I'll tell you about it another time. Let's not talk about any of that stuff tonight, okay?"
"Sure." I was completely on board with that; a vampire- and werewolf-free evening sounded wonderful. Especially given that Jasper had been true to his word; there'd been no sign of the Cullens since the fight. Maybe they'd finally understood. Maybe they'd left.
Maybe this was the start of lots of vampire- and werewolf-free evenings.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Absolutely." I touched the red metal of the hood with a smile. "By the way, I'm driving."
"That's why I brought it." And he grinned again as he opened the door for me.
***
"Okay. So. We have a very, very important decision to make."
"Yeah?"
"Pepperoni or sausage?"
I looked up from the enormous stack of VHS tapes -- potentially life-threatening if they ever avalanched -- and raised an eyebrow at Jacob. He was staring into the open freezer, contemplating the frozen pizza options. There was no sign of Billy; apparently he was at a Makah meeting up north. "Anything healthy? Or at least with some vegetables?"
"Healthy? I think you're missing the point of pizza, Bells."
"Pepperoni, then."
"Done. Which movie do you want to watch first? I pulled all the prom ones out, they're sitting on the TV."
I ran my finger along the spines of the beaten cassettes. "I can't believe you have all these."
"They're my sisters'," Jacob corrected quickly. The microwave pinged, and the room filled with the smell of fake butter. "Rach and Becca were really into those high school romantic comedy things and they used to make me watch with them. I didn't have any choice about it."
"No choice, huh?" I managed to keep a straight face, but only barely.
"None."
"So which one's your favorite?"
"Breakfast Club. Judd Nelson kicks ass. But that's not prom."
"Okay, then, we'll start with Pretty in Pink."
"Cool." Jacob grinned and tossed me the steaming bag of popcorn. "Let me do it, the tape player's sticky."
I settled back onto the couch and watched as Jake flicked the television on and did some sort of complicated wiggle-thing to get the cassette into the slot. He was joking, relaxed, totally natural... while I felt like I was full of butterflies. Good butterflies, but butterflies nonetheless. But when he sat down next to me the anxiety faded; he propped his feet up on the table as the movie began and I settled against his side, feeling calmer almost instantly, like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
"Are you gonna hog the popcorn?" Jake asked, reaching for the bag.
"If I don't you'll eat it all." I moved the bag to the other side of my body. It didn't help. Jacob's arms were too long. One handful, and the popcorn was already a third gone. "Hey!"
"Mm'hungry!"
"But what'll we throw at the TV?"
"I'll make more."
"Ugh. Fine." I started to get my own handful, then stopped myself; I still had my glove on.
Without taking his eyes off the television screen, Jacob caught my wrist and tugged gently on each finger until the leather came away to reveal my scars. "Have you seen the remote? I can't hear the crappy eighties music."
I smiled and reached into the bag. "Nope."
***
We'd gone through two and a half movies, the pizza, three bags of popcorn, and a bottle of Coke when I remarked, "I think I've figured out the formula."
Jacob was working his way through the unpopped kernels at the bottom of the bag. He looked down -- I'd settled deeper and deeper into the couch, and now I was laying flat with my legs propped up on his lap -- and raised an eyebrow. "Formula?"
"Yeah." I gestured at the television, where Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles were playing paintball. "All the movies we've watched have been exactly the same, except for names and locations."
"And soundtracks," Jake added. "I haven't heard any Psychedelic Furs since John Hughes."
"Well, yes. But the point is they're all the same thing. Girl is anti-social; boy comes and sweeps her off her feet. Boy and girl got to prom. Boy turns out to be a jerk, but then they make up and everything is roses. Girl becomes beautiful and popular and usually rich. The end. It's the Cinderella story over and over. Romantic, but there's not a lot of originality or creativity there."
Jacob turned back to the paintball fight; the leads had started making out on a hay bale. "Gotta tell you, I wasn't really paying attention." He stroked my shin, but his voice sounded strangely distant.
I frowned. What just happened? "Did I say something wrong?"
"Of course not," he said automatically.
"Jake--"
My sentence was interrupted by the ringing of the kitchen phone. Jacob jumped off the couch like it was on fire and sprinted to answer, leaving me in a tangled, confused heap on the cushions. I'd definitely just done something wrong, but I wasn't sure what.
"Hello?" Jacob paused for a moment, listening -- then his expression darkened. "I thought you were staying up there tonight."
Uh-oh.
"I know, Dad, but that's not what you said--"
I checked the clock: almost one AM. I didn't feel sleepy at all, though. Just... fidgety. Maybe it was all the Coke I'd had to drink. I glanced down; my right leg was jiggling. Jacob had been right about that.
A long sigh. "No, don't worry about it, I already ate." He glanced over at me. "I've gotta run patrol in a few minutes, though. You'll be fine by yourself?"
Patrol?
"Good. All right. See you in the morning." Jacob hung up, looking irritated. "Billy's on his way," he explained unnecessarily. "I knew I should've gotten some Xanax."
So, after all that... My shoulders slumped and, to my extreme embarrassment, I felt tears start to prick at my eyes. "Okay. I guess I'll go home, tell Charlie that Jessica and I had a fight or something--"
"What? Why?"
I blinked, surprised by the alarm in Jacob's voice. "Well, if you don't want me to stay here and you're going on patrol--"
"I'm not going on patrol."
"But you said--"
Jacob started to laugh, and his demeanor relaxed. "Bells, honey, it's called an alibi. You are way too trusting." He walked over and turned off the TV as I blushed. "C'mon, let's get out of here."
"Where do you want to go?" I said, feeling like a moron. Of course it was an alibi. Obviously I was as bad at reading lies as I was at telling them.
He paused, then smiled slightly, studying my face. His expression was almost disconcertingly free of the struggling imprint look. "Wanna take a walk on the beach?" he said, all innocence.
Oh.
I tried to keep my features schooled in a neutral expression as I shrugged off-handedly. "Sure. That sounds like fun."
His smile widened. "Okay. We'll take your truck. Billy would wonder why the Rabbit was gone."
"Yeah, that makes sense," I said. Then I swallowed.
The truck had a lot more room than the Rabbit.
I grabbed my backpack on the way out the door.
***
The breeze coming off the ocean felt warm for the first time I could remember; whenever I'd come to First Beach since I'd moved back I had shivered uncomfortably. Now, though, even in the middle of the night and only with Jessica's thin shirt on, I was perfectly comfortable. And even though I hadn't been here since the most awful night of my life, I wasn't frightened or fearful.
It might've had something to do with the person walking next to me.
We didn't have to talk; there was no awkwardness in just being together, wandering aimlessly, thinking our separate thoughts. But that didn't stop the butterflies that still fluttered beneath my skin. The sand kept shifting under my feet; the thought of my backpack, waiting on the floor of the cab, loomed large in my mind. I wasn't sure what Jacob was expecting. I wasn't entirely sure what I was expecting.
After several minutes, he broke the companionable silence. "Hey, Bells, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you remember playing here when we were kids?"
I paused and turned to look at Jake. He was staring at a spot not far away, near a rocky outcropping; his face was illuminated in the bright moonlight. It seemed to be a fairly serious question to him. "Yeah, some," I said slowly. "Why?"
"I dunno, I was just... what do you remember?"
"Well... I know I mostly sat on the picnic tables and read while our dads fished, and..." I sorted through the vague memories, looking for russet-skinned children. "I remember Rachel and Rebecca laughing at me because I couldn't swim."
"They did that a lot," he muttered. "But I mean... here."
"Um..." I frowned. I had hazy recollections of making mudpies with Jacob when we were young, back when Renee had had to accompany me on the trips to see my father, which had always been awkward even to my six-year-old self. But that had been in the Blacks' backyard, not at the beach. There were other times, I knew there were, they were tickling at the edge of my mind... something hot and popping, the smell of smoke... "There was a bonfire, right?"
A grin started to spread slowly across Jacob's face, brighter than the moon. "Yeah, there was."
Okay, apparently this was what he'd been looking for. I made an effort to picture it, to think of the few bonfires I'd been to and remember this one in particular. Charlie and Billy would have been there, and the twins probably... maybe Jacob's mom, too, but I didn't want to bring that up. I'd met Sarah a handful of times, but all I could recall was that she'd always carried cinnamon gum in her purse. That couldn't be what Jacob was asking about.
I tried to focus.
Warm touches, fear of getting dirt on my dress...
The images snapped into place. "We were little," I said. The purring thing inside me thrummed with contentment as the vision became clearer. "Really little. There were a lot of people there after fishing. You got charcoal on your hands and wiped it on my face." Jake nodded encouragingly; I could practically feel the fire, see the intent concentration of the black-haired boy -- who wasn't much older than a toddler -- as he very carefully made smudges on my skin. Afterward there was shouting... "Someone got angry."
"Old Quil." Jacob looked smug. "I showed him though, huh? The spirits obviously didn't mind."
It clicked together. At the time I hadn't understood, but now-- "You drew tribal marks on me."
"Yep," he said, sounding satisfied. He reached up and ran his thumb gently along my cheek, down my nose, across my forehead. I felt myself heat up even further, as I always did under his touches. "I'd seen other people do it at ceremonies. Didn't know it really meant anything or that there were rules about that stuff; you were pretty and I thought you would look good with your face painted. You did. And I think I added a smiley face."
I shook my head in wonder. "How can you remember this? You couldn't have been more than three."
The expression on Jake's face flickered. "All my memories of you got a lot clearer... after." He obviously didn't like admitting this was related to the imprint. "There were more of them than I'd realized. I wasn't sure if you could see more, too."
"I don't know. I haven't tried." I certainly would now. "You like that memory most?"
Jacob paused, then nodded again. "Yeah," he said softly. "I do." He leaned forward and brushed his lips where he'd traced the marks a moment earlier; soft brands across my face.
My heart sped up in anticipation, and I tread into unknown and uncertain territory, into areas I knew nothing about but Jacob seemed to be contemplating tonight. "If you wanted," I offered, "maybe... you could do it again sometime?"
"Yeah," he whispered. "I think I'd like that."
And Jacob brought his mouth to mine. The contact was warm, hesitant, fleeting, and achingly tender. By the time he pulled away -- all too soon -- my eyes had drifted shut and my left hand was resting on his arm.
"That should have been our first kiss," he murmured.
What? I blinked, then looked up at him. "Why?" I asked, confused. "I liked the others too."
"You did?"
"Well, yeah." I held onto his shoulder, raised myself onto my tiptoes, and smiled. "I mean, the circumstances weren't great, but... I wouldn't wish them away, Jake." I wouldn't wish any of my moments with him away. Not even the less-than-good ones.
Jacob looked at me long and deep... and the uncertainty in his face started to give way to that familiar burning fervor. I felt my body waking in response, ready to accept his advances.
Then he closed his eyes with a choked noise and leaned his forehead against mine. "I don't know what to do, Bells," he whispered. His frame shook. "I always thought I'd just feel it out as I went, but my instincts are all messed up... I don't know what I'm supposed to listen to, I'm not sure where one thing starts and the other begins and I'm not sure I care anymore and I hate that, I wanted it to be just us..."
His fingers had curled around the back of my neck and were brushing lightly along the skin.
He might be confused, but I had never, not once in my entire life, been so certain of what I wanted.
I stepped backwards, out of his arms. He watched me distance myself with an agonized expression. I took a steadying breath... and found, to my shock, that I didn't need to be steadied.
I reached over my shoulder and slowly undid my braid, letting plait after plait of hair fall down my back.
Then I pulled the blue shirt over my head.
Jacob's eyes widened.
We stared at each other in silence for a long moment.
Finally, Jake cleared his throat. "Uh, Bells... when I said I didn't know what to do... this wasn't what I was talking about. Just, you know, in case you were wondering."
"Don't worry," I said. "I wasn't."
"Okay then." He swallowed -- I could see his throat moving in the shadows -- and reached forward to run his palms along my skin, throat to waist. He left flames behind; every one of my nerve endings came alive and called for more. Jacob felt it or maybe just guessed, because he stepped closer and kept touching me, finding new places that made me bite my lip, new areas to claim with increasing confidence. I closed my eyes and kept my hands to myself, knowing my chance would come soon.
His fingers fumbled with the hooks at my back and then there was a cool breeze against my exposed body.
I heard him inhale raggedly. "Bella..."
"I've got a bag in the truck," I said.
***
Later, with my backpack emptied onto the floor of the cab and my sweaty hair tangled in the seat belt, as I lay back and focused on committing every single detail of this moment to memory, Jacob rubbed his nose along my jaw. "Bells," he murmured, still catching his breath.
"Yeah?" I couldn't believe how perfectly his body fit against mine.
He paused, hesitating for nearly a full minute, then whispered something into my ear. Something in Quileute. I didn't know the words, but I was pretty sure I knew their meaning.
My arms tightened around his back.
"I love you too."
***
The morning light was just tinting the sky pink as we slowly traveled from La Push to Forks. For the first time in my memory Jacob was driving a good ten miles under the speed limit.
"Hey, Jake?"
"Yeah?" He had a silly grin on his face and drove one-handed, scratch marks from my cast visible on the back of his neck; his fingers were still threaded through mine.
I tried to suppress my own smile. "You made another wrong turn."
"Did I."
"Uh-huh."
"Hmm. Guess it'll be a little longer then."
"Mm-hmm." I checked my hair in the rear view mirror; if we took too much longer I wouldn't have enough time to take a shower before leaving Jessica's, and I had to take a shower. Going home in this state was a recipe for disaster. I looked like I'd been ravished.
I had been.
I bit my lip to hold back a giggle.
"You all right?" he asked concernedly, looking away from the road as I shifted with a wince. My body only ached a little -- nothing that a few aspirin wouldn't fix. It was to be expected... especially given the number of times Jacob had pulled me close and made me gasp his name.
We hadn't gotten any sleep.
"Honey?"
I kissed his knuckles in lieu of a response, and he chuckled.
We drove in silence for another couple of miles -- during which Jacob turned left instead of right again -- before I thought of something, something I'd wanted to ask about. "Jake? Why were you upset with me?"
"Huh?" He glanced over again. "I wasn't upset with you. When was I upset with you?"
"During the movie. I said something wrong, didn't I?"
"Oh. That." Jake's tone turned distant. "No, you didn't say anything wrong."
"So what annoyed you?"
"Nothing annoyed me."
"C'mon--"
"Do we have to talk about this right now?"
I flinched back from his words; they weren't remotely sharp or cold, but I'd gotten so used to the cheerful warmth of the last several hours that this felt harsh by comparison. "I guess not," I said, my voice tiny. "I was just wondering."
He grimaced at my tone and rubbed his thumb along the back of my hand. "Sorry," he murmured. "It's fine. I just..." He sighed. "I was thinking about how it was great for all those Cinderella girls, getting the guy who could take care of them. Romantic and stuff."
What? After all this, was he... "And why would that bother you?" I asked haltingly, suspecting the answer.
Jacob shrugged. The speedometer on the truck was inching higher. "That stuff matters."
"Not to me," I snapped.
"It matters to everyone," he said quietly. "I'm not an idiot, Bells. I know I can't give you the things the bloodsucker could." It was the first time he'd mentioned Edward.
I was struck dumb, my mind in complete overdrive. Before now, it had never occurred to me that Jacob would feel inferior to Edward about something, even if that something was as impersonal as wealth. Not once.
Jacob was different, not less. Jacob wasn't inferior in the slightest.
"He kept trying to get me a new car," I said suddenly. "Something faster, or safer, or both. He thought I should drive an Audi."
It took Jacob a long moment to respond. "Must've been nice," he said. "That he could just buy you something like that."
"No, Jake, I hated it. I didn't want him to spend money on me, but he did it anyway." I was saying these things out loud to make Jacob feel better, but I was surprised by the depth of feeling in my voice. It was true. I had hated it. "He'd take me to these fancy restaurants in Seattle and pay for everything and then just watch me eat because he couldn't. He didn't mean anything by it, but... And when I had the broken leg Alice would put me in these really expensive clothes and laughed when I spilled something on them like silk is nothing, and they threw me a birthday party with crystal and roses even though I begged them not to and they would all make jokes about my truck but I didn't want a Audi!"
Jacob had become very still.
"An Audi is a good car," he said finally. "Really fast."
I shook my head. "I never drive fast."
"And it's shiny," he added.
"Flashy, you mean."
"Everyone would look at you and be really jealous."
"I don't want people to look at me."
"It's a lot more impressive than a Chevy pickup." He was focused on the road; I couldn't read his expression.
We'd stopped talking about vehicles. "No, it's not," I said firmly. "And anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb. I don't let anyone talk bad about my truck. I love my truck." A little smile formed on my lips. "Even more so now, I think. Fond memories and all that."
The truck slowed, then pulled over to the side of the highway; the shocks vibrated as we left the pavement. Jacob cut the engine. "Fond memories, huh?" he said, his eyes mischievous, radiating warmth again.
I tugged on his fingers. "I could always use a few more." The soreness wasn't all that bad, really.
He didn't need any more prompting than that.
The dim light in the sky had brightened to true morning by the time Jake turned the key in the ignition again.
***
We'd been in front of Jessica's house for almost ten minutes, but I was still having an awfully hard time getting out of the truck. Breaking contact didn't feel like a realistic option.
"You should probably head inside," Jake said lightly, his voice muffled -- which made sense, since he was speaking the words against my throat.
"Uh-huh," I responded, distracted; I was too busy feeling under his shirt to focus on much of anything except the soft-and-hard texture of his stomach beneath my fingertips.
When I brushed lower, teasing along the waistline of his shorts, Jacob inhaled sharply and reached for my wrist. "Okay, Bells, we really can't do this."
"Why not?"
"Because we're in the middle of a residential street and someone would call the cops. Then your Dad would get here--"
I jerked away and pulled Jake's shirt down quickly. That didn't even bear thinking about.
He burst out laughing, a soul-deep sound of happiness that made me glow. "I love you so fucking much," he said as he brought his mouth to mine again, the obscenity dropping from his lips and sounding sweet. His kiss was too short, though. "And I'll see you soon."
"Tonight?" I asked hopefully. Uh-oh. Would my bed squeak?
"No, since I got last night off I'll have to run two patrols in a row. Tomorrow night, though. I'll be there." Jacob reached past me and opened my door; his expression took on a conflicted look as he did so. He didn't want me to leave, either. "Maybe earlier, if I can swing it."
"Okay." I frowned, then patted the dashboard lovingly. "I wish I could keep the truck." If I took it home Charlie would obviously wonder how I'd gotten it.
"Well, you only have to wait another week."
I looked up. "Huh?"
Jacob's face brightened further, if that was even possible. "Your graduation's next Saturday, right?"
Oh.
"Right," I said, my voice faint.
If Jacob noticed my hesitation he didn't let on. "I'll see if I can get a few more dents out before then," he said, looking through the windshield at the banged-up hood. "And give it a wash before I take it to Emily's. It'll be in good shape, I promise."
"Uh-huh." I swallowed. "Will you talk to her for me, by the way? You know... get the details... how long I can stay, how much stuff I should bring, money, those kinds of things..."
"Sure, sure," he said happily. "I'll get it all worked out. No problem."
"Okay." As I climbed out of the cab, I tamped down on the little flutter of panic that tried to rise in my stomach. "See you soon."
"Really soon." His smile was so sunny that I could feel its warmth across my skin; it felt good. It felt right. "Bye, Bells."
"Bye, Jake." I waved as my truck disappeared around the street corner.
Graduation was coming. Things weren't better. In a week I would be moving to the reservation, just like I'd promised.
And I had to find a way to tell Charlie.
One breath, in and out. Two. Three.
I turned my face up to the cloudy but brightening sky and thought of soothing things. I imagined the sensation of Jacob's fingers stroking my waist, the feel of his rapid exhales against the back of my neck; the smell of his sweat and the sound of his moans. It calmed me almost instantly.
I'd figure something out.
Behind me, a door opened with a creak of hinges; I wheeled around, startled, expecting to see Jessica coming out onto the front stoop to tease me--
--it wasn't Jessica.
My mouth dropped open. "Mike?"
Mike Newton looked up as he stepped onto the sidewalk, his eyes widening at the sight of me. His tuxedo jacket was rumpled. "Oh," he squeaked, his voice about an octave higher than usual. "Um... hi, Bella."
"What are you doing here?" The question was only an automatic knee-jerk response, because it was all too obvious exactly what he was doing here.
"I... uh..." And I'd thought I was the only one capable of turning that red. "Just... um..."
"I'll see you Monday, Mike," I said quickly, letting him off the hook.
"Right. Monday. See you." He scooted past me and all but dove into his car, and I let myself into the house. The sound of tires squealing nearly rattled the window panes. A older blond woman in a bathrobe lay snoring on the couch; I tiptoed past, down the hallway, and rapped my knuckles quietly against Jessica's bedroom door. "Jess?"
"Bella? Is that you?"
"Yeah."
Jessica opened up and motioned me in with a rapid wrist movement; I dashed past and she shut the door again quickly. "So." She looked me over, chewing on her lower lip; her eyes were bright and her hair fell in a snarled mess across her shoulders. Her red satin dress lay in a heap in the corner. "How was your night?"
"Pretty good," I said. "Yours?"
"Pretty good."
We both held our breaths for a few more seconds... before collapsing onto her bed in joint fits of blushing hysteria.
***
"Then Mike shoved Tyler into the punchbowl," Jessica gushed, pulling into my driveway. Charlie's cruiser was nowhere to be seen; he must still have been out. I was home a whole fifteen minutes before my promised time of ten. "And, you know, I'm really not into the whole masculine-territorial-display, but let me tell you, I am never gonna knock the he-man thing again. When Tyler hit the floor I felt my ovaries explode."
Yesterday I would have blushed, but today I was pretty sure I knew what exploding ovaries felt like. "I didn't think Mike had it in him."
"Neither did I, but let me tell you, he does." Jessica flashed a smug, knowing grin at me. "He so does."
Those mental images weren't exactly what I was going for this morning, but I couldn't help giggling anyway. Jessica's good mood was contagious; or maybe it was me. Either way, it felt wonderful.
"Okay. So. I'm gonna go home and call Angela, and then we are definitely having another girls' night tonight. I told you everything, now you've gotta spill your guts."
I looked down at my hands, trying -- and failing -- to hide a smile. "I already said. We watched movies, took a walk on the beach, went back to my truck, and... yeah."
Jessica rolled her eyes. "Those are not details. I need more than that."
"We'll see." Maybe I'd feel differently in a few hours, but right now I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to keep all the memories for myself. Besides, I was pretty sure words would fail me if I tried to describe the feel of Jacob's hands holding onto my shoulder blades.
My smile widened.
"Wow," Jessica said. She was watching my face with a somewhat amazed expression. "You seriously love him, don't you?"
I bit my lip and nodded, but didn't say anything more. That part was ours, too, and I wasn't ready to share it with anyone else.
"Well, hope it's worth all those 'complications' you keep talking about."
"It is."
It is.
I got out of the car, and Jessica drove away with a little wave and another knowing grin. I stayed in the yard for a moment, looking up into the oak tree and the hazy sun trying to shine through the leaves.
I smiled.
It definitely is.
I just had to find a way to make Charlie understand.
"Bella?"
I gasped, the sweet, bell-like tone making me jump -- and looked into huge, liquid gold eyes that searched my face beseechingly.
Alice stood next to me; I hadn't heard her approach. She grabbed my hand and her stone touch felt completely wrong to my skin. "Bella, listen," she said quickly, lowly. "You still have those tickets, right?"
"Alice, what are you doing here?"
"The tickets, Bella," she repeated as though she hadn't heard me. "The ones you got for your birthday."
I tried to pull away, but my wrist was caught in her marble grip. "Let me go," I hissed through clenched teeth. "I don't want to talk to you."
"You have to use them." The dark, purplish bruise-like shadows under her eyes looked worse than usual. "You have to. Decide to go see your mother in Jacksonville. Today. Decide it right now."
"Stop it." Anger flared hot and bright in my chest; I didn't want this. I wanted to go inside and lay down and think about my night before I fell asleep and hopefully had good dreams. "Go away. I don't want you here."
"Bella." Alice's voice took on a note of command; I felt myself respond dully, more willing now to hear her words. She hadn't released my arm. "I'm serious. It's hard to see you -- you're blurry all the time now, sometimes you disappear entirely -- but I can see enough, do you understand? I've been trying all week and it shifts but I see enough of what's going to happen and it's bad, Bella, every possibility is bad and you don't want to be here for it. You can't be here for it. You have to leave."
My fury overcame the effects of her sweet, imploring demeanor, and I yanked my hand free of her touch. "No," I spat. "No. I'm not going anywhere. You can't make me leave Jacob. Edward will just have to get over it."
"Bella, I'm begging you. Do this. Go to Florida. Just for a few weeks." I'd never heard her sound this desperate; I'd never heard anyone sound this desperate. "You can come back afterward -- we'll go, we'll all go, I promise, I'll convince Edward, you'll never see us again -- but for now you have to leave. Please don't make me do this the hard way, you're not safe and when you're not safe they won't be able to think--"
"I'm never safe!" My voice broke, but I didn't cry. I was too frustrated to cry. "I'm never safe enough for you! I'll never be safe enough for you! I don't want to be safe! Go away and leave me alone!"
I just wanted to lay in bed and think about my night and remember, I wanted that one little thing, couldn't I--
--there was a pinch.
I looked down.
Alice was pulling a needle out of my arm.
I hadn't even seen her move.
"I'm sorry, Bella," she whispered miserably. "I'm so sorry."
Jac--
Then everything went black.
end of book one
***
Book Two: Preface
Sanity Update: In my next fandom I'm only writing about whores, trollops, and sluts. Minimum of sixty previous sexual partners apiece. I spent almost two weeks banging my head against the wall for this chapter, and Blanche Delirium was once again achieved. It would flat-out never have gotten written without mera_naam_joker (who figured out the transitions) and gypseian (who let me cannibalize her own version of prom night).
Hiatus is now in place. It will probably only last two weeks, three at the most; gotta prep for the next part as well as do some of the side writing that's piling up. I'm sure y'all won't mind, being as I left it in such a resolved spot... *cough* Seriously, though, it's not open ended. If the next chapter's not up by March 30 feel free to hunt me down like an animal.
In the meantime, go and check out the Jacob Black 'n' Pack Winter Awards. I found a whole bunch of fics there I'd never heard of and they are fabulous. (Full disclosure: My stories are nominated for a few. That being said they're honestly nowhere *near* the best in several of the categories, so I'm not asking for votes. Read everything before making a decision.)