The Last Day
I'm writing this even while I am surrounded in some of the best weather of the year. I'm sitting in one of the student coaches... the ones Luna says are led by Thestrals. And I'm just thinking about all this. Orkney Pointe is about a mile behind me. Somehow I thought distancing myself from that place might feel good, but its sort of the reverse. Its all so mixed up in my mind. Its good that things are stabilizing enough that they don't need us anymore. They're encouraging all of us who haven't been home yet to see our families yet to do just that.
But I can't bring myself to do that yet... when I leave this place, I don't want to come back. I used to entertain maybe being a professor here. Maybe when old McGonagall passed on or something. When I was really young, I used to think about what Professor Hagrid's job must be like. I used to think I wanted that job too. but I guess tastes mature.
Life's moving on and I still feel so anchored into place. I look at the trees and such around me, in the near-summer, its just around the corner. Its all still so frozen from that day a month ago. I don't know exactly why, but I remember it being deathly cold out that night. I remember wondering if Spring would ever come, even though it was bloody May. It just didn't feel like it.
Well... I find myself wondering about all the people I haven't entirely thought about. Smith turned his back on us when we needed him most. In a way, I can't blame him. He's got so much to protect. But we should have been in that list of things to save. I want to give him a right cross along the jaw. I trusted him, I thought we'd become a bit of mates. Maybe Fred and George were right about him. Or maybe none of its true. Either way, he's not the person I thought I knew. I'm so mad at people like him... some of my fellow Ravenclaws. Pretty much the entire House of Slytherin- ruddy bastards.
I thought about Theodore some too, just now. Triggered it. I haven't thought about him in ages. As soon as I did, it brought the anger back. I so disowned him from my thoughts this past month, now that I'm not so busy, he's back in there. I sort of wish I could disown him again. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do if I saw him again. He wasn't on the battlefield... and I so wanted him to be. But with all this done and behind me, I can't say I'd make the choice I was planning for him now. Back then I was sure he deserved to die.
I wonder about Anthony and Terry... haven't heard much from them. I miss my mates. And Jones and even Hannah. Jones wasn't there either... I wonder why. All that time we spent together, me trying to help her out a bit. I guess it was all a bit for not. Don't blame her so much though... but I still need to understand her thinking.
Ha... God... she'd likely be a bit raged and feel betrayed if she knew what Ernie and I had done. I wonder what she'd think. I know I wouldn't apologize for it... about any of it really. I don't owe her shyte of course. Thats what I tell myself. Well, not that it matters much, I mean Ernie and I... things seem a bit weird now. I shouldn't have sent him that ruddy letter.
Well... seeing as I can barely read my own handwriting, what with riding on a coach, i don't see much point of continuing. I wonder if I'll be able to read of this later.
But I can't bring myself to do that yet... when I leave this place, I don't want to come back. I used to entertain maybe being a professor here. Maybe when old McGonagall passed on or something. When I was really young, I used to think about what Professor Hagrid's job must be like. I used to think I wanted that job too. but I guess tastes mature.
Life's moving on and I still feel so anchored into place. I look at the trees and such around me, in the near-summer, its just around the corner. Its all still so frozen from that day a month ago. I don't know exactly why, but I remember it being deathly cold out that night. I remember wondering if Spring would ever come, even though it was bloody May. It just didn't feel like it.
Well... I find myself wondering about all the people I haven't entirely thought about. Smith turned his back on us when we needed him most. In a way, I can't blame him. He's got so much to protect. But we should have been in that list of things to save. I want to give him a right cross along the jaw. I trusted him, I thought we'd become a bit of mates. Maybe Fred and George were right about him. Or maybe none of its true. Either way, he's not the person I thought I knew. I'm so mad at people like him... some of my fellow Ravenclaws. Pretty much the entire House of Slytherin- ruddy bastards.
I thought about Theodore some too, just now. Triggered it. I haven't thought about him in ages. As soon as I did, it brought the anger back. I so disowned him from my thoughts this past month, now that I'm not so busy, he's back in there. I sort of wish I could disown him again. Sometimes I wonder what I'd do if I saw him again. He wasn't on the battlefield... and I so wanted him to be. But with all this done and behind me, I can't say I'd make the choice I was planning for him now. Back then I was sure he deserved to die.
I wonder about Anthony and Terry... haven't heard much from them. I miss my mates. And Jones and even Hannah. Jones wasn't there either... I wonder why. All that time we spent together, me trying to help her out a bit. I guess it was all a bit for not. Don't blame her so much though... but I still need to understand her thinking.
Ha... God... she'd likely be a bit raged and feel betrayed if she knew what Ernie and I had done. I wonder what she'd think. I know I wouldn't apologize for it... about any of it really. I don't owe her shyte of course. Thats what I tell myself. Well, not that it matters much, I mean Ernie and I... things seem a bit weird now. I shouldn't have sent him that ruddy letter.
Well... seeing as I can barely read my own handwriting, what with riding on a coach, i don't see much point of continuing. I wonder if I'll be able to read of this later.