Comments | augustday1: Brigit's Flame Writing Entry-- WEEK OF 8/4/08

augustday1

Brigit's Flame Writing Entry-- WEEK OF 8/4/08

Aug 05, 2008 14:24

He spotted her.

He didn’t like that he still got butterflies. Even after nearly a year. Like she had some power over him.

"You’re late." She looked sad. Him the cause, no doubt.

"I’m here, right?" His answer, he realized almost immediately, sounded like he was trying to be mean. And didn’t do much better when he added to it, "Now you’re pissed?"

"You ( Read more... )

Comments 9

csigeekfan August 8 2008, 20:22:37 UTC

I like the flow of this story, as it's easy to read.

Good luck this week!

augustday1 August 9 2008, 17:43:23 UTC

Thank you so much. A compliment to the flow of the piece means a lot to me. I always hope I can't get across the beat I hear in my head to others.

wierdauntie August 9 2008, 01:43:11 UTC

Evocative. You feel these people. Nice.

augustday1 August 9 2008, 17:45:18 UTC

Evocative... that's wonderful to hear. I really felt like I had
happened onto these two and I'm glad I was able to re-create that.

augustday1 August 9 2008, 17:54:19 UTC

And Thank you sooo much for reading. It's my first official entry. So you comment means a lot. I sent another reply, but forgot to thank you. Not sure what order they'll go to your inbox.

merchendiver August 9 2008, 17:30:58 UTC

This was a joy to read. I loved the gentle way it moved.

augustday1 August 9 2008, 17:50:00 UTC

Thank you for reading and commenting. I enjoyed spending time with this one. I really liked the subtle way it revealed itself to me. Quite honestly-- it made me feel good.

Editor here. slang_jockey August 11 2008, 06:10:41 UTC

Okay, so a couple things:

-he thought about refusing the request so that could find out what he’d done --should be 'so that he could'

-Shoving an iced-cold Heineken into his hand, she also gave him a disapproving scowl, --'iced-cold' is just 'ice-cold' and the end of this sentence should have a period, not a comma.

-Offering no defense, "I know," he admitted. --This is perhaps simply a matter of opinion, but this sentence is a bit awkward. It could just be 'He offered no defense.' take or leave the 'I know.' Or it could be 'Offering no defense, he admitted, 'I know.''

-he had suggested she pick something with more magic in it cuz…magic, --I suppose 'cuz' could be a colloquialism of sorts in character, but it looks unprofessional. 'cause might be an acceptable replacement, aside from 'because.'

-He nodded yes. --'He nodded' would suffice; adding 'yes' almost seems repetitive ( ... )

Re: Editor here. augustday1 August 11 2008, 13:53:02 UTC

Wow-- thanks so much! I agree with all your edits. I did think this sentence--

Offering no defense, "I know," he admitted. (duh,sorry don't know how to do italics =C)

---seemed a bit awkward. But I liked all the words in it. Your
suggestion works sooo much better.

And the use of 'cuz' was a bad move.

Thanks so much for the edit and, very much appreciated, nice feedback, too.