Comments | augustday1: Brigit's Flame Writing 2nd Entry-- WEEK OF 8/11/08

augustday1

Brigit's Flame Writing 2nd Entry-- WEEK OF 8/11/08

Aug 14, 2008 00:54

BRILLIANCE

If they were giving out awards for being clever, the boy had decided, he-wouldn’t go to a ceremony to collect it.

His grandfather had told him, that they were after the brilliance in him. That there weren’t many smart people around anymore-and that he, Elias Whitford L. Cranberry, was the smartest little boy in the world. Now when he was ( Read more... )

loneliness, lost love, fantasy, sadness, brigit's flame, writing

Comments 11

lisforliz August 16 2008, 02:18:54 UTC

That was beautiful. I loved it, especially the relationship between the boy and his grandfather.

I only caught one mistake you might want to change.

his pearls of wisdom where his legacy.
were*

Anyway, good job and good luck!

augustday1 August 16 2008, 09:14:28 UTC

Thank you. For reading and taking time to comment and for pointing out that typo. I just can't seem to post anything with a few of them sneaking in. And then it's like duh?-- how come I missed that one!

I wish I knew what that relationship connects to in my psyche? Made me all melancholy.

attentionhoard August 16 2008, 05:06:06 UTC

Nice work!

I like this world you've created in such a short piece. Good luck this week, I really enjoyed this!

augustday1 August 16 2008, 09:20:32 UTC

That world revealed itself to me...a very sad place. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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augustday1 August 16 2008, 15:32:18 UTC

Thank you! I was eager for some feedback on my punctuation in this story. I got caught up in using commas & dashes to re-create a beat I heard in my head & I wondered how it would be perceived or if it was even correct usage. I'll take your suggestion and go back over it with a more natural phrasing in mind and make some corrections.
Oh--and what a compliment that you should reference such outstanding novels-- that just made my day!!

mermaidbia August 17 2008, 16:45:19 UTC

This is fantastic...it may be a personal thing, but this, exactly this, is writing after my own heart. Not much plot, necessarily, but there's enough information scattered across every single sentence - like jewels for the reader to pick up - to make you gradually understand what this story's about, that it's a post-apocalyptic story and the world has turned into a dumpster, pretty much. I love stories like that, stories that challenge the reader and make him part of a conspiracy. Your prose flows beautifully, there's not a single word out of place or redundant, it all comes together masterfully. I love how you describe Elias' (one of my favourite names, btw) inner mental workings, his dreams and fantasies that he holds onto, and the memories of his grandfather, while on the outside he becomes more and more distanced. Nothing of this is ever said out loud but merely implied, and that gives strength to this piece.
Remarkably.
Voted!

augustday1 August 17 2008, 22:24:23 UTC

You know, I don't think it matters to me anymore about the contest end of this. You are so kind to take the time to leave such an in-depth review and I consider this a gift that does far more for me than winning a competition. To write something and see it reached another person in the way you intended-- is really all I could ask for. I'm quite humbled that this story chose me and that I was able to do it some justice by telling it. Thank you so very much.

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augustday1 August 19 2008, 01:24:58 UTC

Wow, you're my editor again.

I thank you very much for taking out time to review my story.
I'm here to learn and to grow so, again, I consider it a great opportunity to have your critique.

BTW, meant to swing back by to your blog to comment on your piece this week. I thought it was quite remarkable and thought- provoking. I was intrigued by that black counterpart, but I disappointed myself by not following my instincts to look closer.