Ok, this is the last one for today:
Still laughing my butt off. Getting in trouble. Tears falling from my eyes and blinding me because I am laughing so hard. Dangerous stuff.
Palm Tree Undies In Zombie Town: The horruh...the horrrrruhhhhh.
Notice that bottom of underwear drawer is visible.
Let two days pass.
Notice that most of bottom of underwear drawer is visible. Also notice rather gungy appearance of bathmat.
Let two days pass.
Spend ten minutes searching sock drawer and environs for matching pair with decent elastic. Settle for mismatched pair consisting of one good sock and one "Michael Jackson" sock (formerly black, now strangely pale and misshapen). Observe aloud that "I just did laundry, like, a week ago."
Fold bathmat; hear what sounds like madding crowd deep in fibers of bathmat. Chalk madding crowd noise up to purring cat.
Let two days pass.
Observe cat lying on bathmat. Say "aw." Look in underwear drawer. See two pairs left: one serviceable pair, and one green pair with palm trees on it. Sigh. Resume process of denial. Put on serviceable pair. Out of corner of eye, witness bathmat rise up, sway, and strike cat, then fold up around, completely envelop, and begin to choke life out of cat in manner of pit viper. Extricate cat from bathmat. Scold cat. Scold bathmat. Fold bathmat.
Hear what sounds like "Attica! Attica!"
Find self pinned against wall by bathmat.
Call for help.
Try to beat bathmat off of legs with lint roller.
Try to blow bathmat off of legs with hair dryer.
Try to scare bathmat with driver's license picture.
Fail.
Crawl to kitchen, bathmat entwined around legs. Heave self up on counter. Pull knife from butcher block. Tell bathmat to stop singing "let my people go" or will kill it. Realize bathmat not afraid to die. Stab bathmat repeatedly with knife. Turn back on limp bathmat. Have bad, Fatal Attraction feeling. Take water gun out of drawer. Whip around, shoot looming bathmat, breathe heavily as bathmat slumps down into cats' water bowl.
Vow to do laundry next day.
Wake up next morning. Open underwear drawer. See palm tree undies. Pull underwear drawer out fully; check for false bottom or hidden compartment. Find none. Sigh. Call Victoria's Secret, request courier. Express shock that Victoria's Secret does not offer courier service. Sigh again. Accept fate. Put on palm tree undies. Immediately yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Begin unmaking bed. Find book tangled up in sheets. Find four more books tangled up in sheets. Find Jimmy Hoffa tangled up in sheets. Find cats tangled up in sheets. Untangle cats from sheets. Dump cat out of pillowcase. Untangle cats from sheets again. Accidentally snap cat in face with fitted sheet elastic. Laugh at cat. Apologize to cat for laughing. Dump other cat out of pillowcase. Untangle other cat from Jimmy Hoffa. Accidentally snap self in face with fitted sheet elastic. Blame cat. Yell at cat for laughing. Yell at other cat for lying on damp towel. Threaten to blow-dry other cat. Accidentally snap Jimmy Hoffa in face with fitted sheet elastic. Apologize to Jimmy Hoffa for laughing.
Call coroner's office. Apologize to Jimmy Hoffa for calling coroner's office.
Unhook bathmat from ventilator; place bathmat in laundry bag. Place sheets in laundry bag. Place towels in laundry bag. Remove bathmat, sheets, towels, and cat from laundry bag. Remove other cat from Jimmy Hoffa. Put gasping bathmat, sheets, and towels back in laundry bag. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Collect quarters from dish. Collect quarters from pockets. Ask cats for change. Threaten to report cats to state banking commission for refusal to provide service. Go through Jimmy Hoffa's pockets. Find only nickels. Revoke earlier apologies to Jimmy Hoffa.
Open cabinet. Remove detergent. Remove cat. Remove other cat. Remove first cat again. Close cabinet.
Leave note for coroner's office in re: Jimmy Hoffa. Pick up laundry bag. Pull muscle in back. Put laundry bag down. Open laundry bag. Say "EXCUSE ME" in loud voice. Point angrily away from laundry bag. Watch cats depart from laundry bag. Announce that cats may get in touch with inner sweatsocks on own time. Hear death rattle coming from bathmat. Close laundry bag, gather quarters and detergent, stumble over cats, leave apartment. Almost lock self out.
Proceed to laundry room. Put in loads of laundry. Check washing machine for cats, weapons, Teamsters. Add detergent. Begin placing quarters in slot. Place same quarter in slot seventeen times before quarter consents to enter machine. Repeat process with next four quarters. Threaten to report quarters to U.S. Mint for insubordination. Yell at quarters for laughing. Come back to self; smile winningly at lady from fourth floor edging nervously towards door of laundry room. As soon as lady from fourth floor leaves, resume muttered threats in direction of quarters. Finally get wash cycle started. Get on elevator. Run into building manager. Deny shrieking "fuck you, Georgie Boy" at quarters. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Smile winningly at building manager edging towards back of elevator. Get off elevator.
Reenter apartment. Begin sorting dirty clothes. Yell at cat for attacking bra. Yell louder at cat for attacking bra. Accuse other cat of putting first cat up to bra attack. Stomp towards bra-attacking cat. Watch in amused horror as cat tries to run away, but finds single fang stuck in fastener of bra. Know in coldest, most fearful corner of soul that cat will now freak out in fashion which would shame Medea herself. As predicted, see cat fluff self up to full Halloween-cat mode in slow motion, accompanied by "vvvvvvrrrrrr VVVVVVRRRRRR VVVVVVRRRRRR" noise of missile silo opening from WarGames. Hit deck with arms over head as furiously inflated cat rockets around apartment like psychotic balloon, growling, drooling, whipping bra-bedecked head about like rabid rat terrier, and bonking D-cup-blinkered head into furniture.
Trepidatiously approach winded, panting cat. Lift cup of bra. Gingerly pat twitching cat. Attempt to remove bra fastener from fang of cat.
Dress wounds with Bactine.
Trepidatiously approach winded, panting cat. Lift cup of bra. Gingerly pat twitching cat. Attempt to remove bra fastener from fang of cat.
Splint arm.
Kneel on neck of cat while reciting Miranda warning. Remove bra fastener from fang of cat. Release cat. Wish cat well with new life under bed.
Begin putting clothes in laundry bag. Remove other cat from laundry bag. Remove staticky, stinky sock from staticky, stinky other cat. Put sock back in laundry bag. Try to talk other cat out of following sock. Tell other cat love affair between it and sock doomed. Comfort other cat. Encourage other cat to eat snack instead of "helping" with laundry. When soothing crunch of kibble is heard, hurriedly stuff all articles of clothing in apartment into laundry bag, leave note for coroner's office in re: bra, load laundry bag onto hand truck, sneak out of apartment, sneak back into apartment, dump bottle of Febreze on other cat, run for door.
Dress bite on ankle with Bactine. Leave apartment. Almost lock self out again.
Get on elevator. Glare menacingly at pocket in which quarters sit. Announce intention not to put up with any more horsing around; smile winningly at dime edging nervously towards hole in pocket.
Arrive at laundry room. Step over woman sobbing on floor in front of change machine, proceed to washing machines. Load washing machines. Declare martial law over quarters, force them into coin slots. Begin wash cycle. Remove bathmat from iron lung, place bathmat and other bedding into dryer. Just for kicks, check lint trap. Remove basketball-sized golem of lint from trap. Step over sobbing woman, place golem in garbage, return to dryer. Start dryer. Stop dryer. Remove book from dryer. Remove Jimmy Hoffa from dryer. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Restart dryer.
Need more change. Roll sobbing woman carefully out of way, introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Flatten out imagined teeny tiny fold on corner of crisp new dollar bill.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Take opposite tack; scrunch up crisp new dollar bill so bill resembles older, wiser, more experienced dollar bill. Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Think perhaps change machine prefers firmer, more nubile dollar bill after all. Press down on, step on, sit on, iron with palm. Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Sign self out of psychiatric hospital. Return to laundry room. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Put on sunglasses; sit outside building with cup of pencils and sign reading "please help am blind need QUIET WELL-BEHAVED QUARTERS." Play jazz standards on kazoo.
Return to laundry room. Leave note for coroner's office in re: sobbing woman. Finish paying for dryer cycle.
Return to apartment. Duck under police tape. Retrieve clean set of sheets from under bed. Put on hernia belt; lift other cat -- which, because sleeping, weighs seventy pounds -- from bed. Begin putting on fitted sheet. Wonder why fitted sheet no longer stretches to corner of bed. Spot, then poke mysterious lump at foot of bed. Exclaim at cat coming out from under bed. Warn cat to keep teeth to self. Ask cat to get out from under fitted sheet. Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Sign self out of psychiatric hospital. Return to apartment. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Flip back fitted sheet and entice cat out from under fitted sheet with catnip mousie. Put on fitted sheet.
Put on pillowcases. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Put on flat sheet. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Put on coverlet. Notice unsightly blob under coverlet. Ask unsightly blob to get fuck out from under coverlet. Ask unsightly blob to stop snoring, then. Poke unsightly blob with catnip mousie.
Dress wounds with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Go back down to laundry room. Load seventy pounds of laundry into bag. Attempt to drag bag to door. Attempt to push bag to door. Attempt to move bag at all, in any direction, by any means. Fail. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Unload thirty-five pounds back into dryer, try again. Hoist bag up, stagger to door, accidentally knock over lady from fourth floor.
Dress lady from fourth floor with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Ferry clothing to apartment, taking several trips. Dump clothing out onto bed. Note audible "speeeeee-ROING!" as cats bound into center of warm laundry pile, burrow into pile. Break up fighting of cats in middle of pile. Accumulate static charge of twenty-eight gigawatts.
Sign self out of hospital burn unit. Dress burns with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Attempt to begin folding. Fail to remove so much as single t-shirt from underneath cats which, because sleeping, weigh more than wet, fat, drunk college sophomore. Retrieve pot top and wooden spoon from kitchen. Hold aloft. Pause. Grin evilly. Clang spoon on pot top. Marvel at direct trajectory of one cat from laundry pile to bathtub. Speculate as to whereabouts of other cat; speculate as to origins of blood trickling down forehead. Locate other cat on top of head. Remove cat from head.
Dress head with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Yank cat out of crack.
Begin folding.
Fold.
Fold.
Fold.
Sign self out of psychiatric hospital. Return to apartment. Fold. Fold towels. Fold shirts. Fold pants. Fold cats. Sing nonsensical songs about folding. Sing "foldy foldy foldy, I made it out of clay." Sing "I'm a-workin' on the railfold." Sing other, even more nonsensical songs about cats sleeping in drawers, cats clawing pairs of jeans, and how cats don't make good turtlenecks.
Put away last item of clothing. Yank palm tree undies off of body. Douse palm tree undies with bourbon; light palm tree undies on fire. Throw palm tree undies out window. Leave note for coroner in re: palm tree undies. Sprawl out on bed with cats. Inhale sweet, sweet smell of fabric softener. Decide to buy only paper clothing until rich enough to afford live-in maid with patience of saint.
Sleep like dead.
Palm Tree Undies In Zombie Town: The horruh...the horrrrruhhhhh.
Notice that bottom of underwear drawer is visible.
Let two days pass.
Notice that most of bottom of underwear drawer is visible. Also notice rather gungy appearance of bathmat.
Let two days pass.
Spend ten minutes searching sock drawer and environs for matching pair with decent elastic. Settle for mismatched pair consisting of one good sock and one "Michael Jackson" sock (formerly black, now strangely pale and misshapen). Observe aloud that "I just did laundry, like, a week ago."
Fold bathmat; hear what sounds like madding crowd deep in fibers of bathmat. Chalk madding crowd noise up to purring cat.
Let two days pass.
Observe cat lying on bathmat. Say "aw." Look in underwear drawer. See two pairs left: one serviceable pair, and one green pair with palm trees on it. Sigh. Resume process of denial. Put on serviceable pair. Out of corner of eye, witness bathmat rise up, sway, and strike cat, then fold up around, completely envelop, and begin to choke life out of cat in manner of pit viper. Extricate cat from bathmat. Scold cat. Scold bathmat. Fold bathmat.
Hear what sounds like "Attica! Attica!"
Find self pinned against wall by bathmat.
Call for help.
Try to beat bathmat off of legs with lint roller.
Try to blow bathmat off of legs with hair dryer.
Try to scare bathmat with driver's license picture.
Fail.
Crawl to kitchen, bathmat entwined around legs. Heave self up on counter. Pull knife from butcher block. Tell bathmat to stop singing "let my people go" or will kill it. Realize bathmat not afraid to die. Stab bathmat repeatedly with knife. Turn back on limp bathmat. Have bad, Fatal Attraction feeling. Take water gun out of drawer. Whip around, shoot looming bathmat, breathe heavily as bathmat slumps down into cats' water bowl.
Vow to do laundry next day.
Wake up next morning. Open underwear drawer. See palm tree undies. Pull underwear drawer out fully; check for false bottom or hidden compartment. Find none. Sigh. Call Victoria's Secret, request courier. Express shock that Victoria's Secret does not offer courier service. Sigh again. Accept fate. Put on palm tree undies. Immediately yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Begin unmaking bed. Find book tangled up in sheets. Find four more books tangled up in sheets. Find Jimmy Hoffa tangled up in sheets. Find cats tangled up in sheets. Untangle cats from sheets. Dump cat out of pillowcase. Untangle cats from sheets again. Accidentally snap cat in face with fitted sheet elastic. Laugh at cat. Apologize to cat for laughing. Dump other cat out of pillowcase. Untangle other cat from Jimmy Hoffa. Accidentally snap self in face with fitted sheet elastic. Blame cat. Yell at cat for laughing. Yell at other cat for lying on damp towel. Threaten to blow-dry other cat. Accidentally snap Jimmy Hoffa in face with fitted sheet elastic. Apologize to Jimmy Hoffa for laughing.
Call coroner's office. Apologize to Jimmy Hoffa for calling coroner's office.
Unhook bathmat from ventilator; place bathmat in laundry bag. Place sheets in laundry bag. Place towels in laundry bag. Remove bathmat, sheets, towels, and cat from laundry bag. Remove other cat from Jimmy Hoffa. Put gasping bathmat, sheets, and towels back in laundry bag. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Collect quarters from dish. Collect quarters from pockets. Ask cats for change. Threaten to report cats to state banking commission for refusal to provide service. Go through Jimmy Hoffa's pockets. Find only nickels. Revoke earlier apologies to Jimmy Hoffa.
Open cabinet. Remove detergent. Remove cat. Remove other cat. Remove first cat again. Close cabinet.
Leave note for coroner's office in re: Jimmy Hoffa. Pick up laundry bag. Pull muscle in back. Put laundry bag down. Open laundry bag. Say "EXCUSE ME" in loud voice. Point angrily away from laundry bag. Watch cats depart from laundry bag. Announce that cats may get in touch with inner sweatsocks on own time. Hear death rattle coming from bathmat. Close laundry bag, gather quarters and detergent, stumble over cats, leave apartment. Almost lock self out.
Proceed to laundry room. Put in loads of laundry. Check washing machine for cats, weapons, Teamsters. Add detergent. Begin placing quarters in slot. Place same quarter in slot seventeen times before quarter consents to enter machine. Repeat process with next four quarters. Threaten to report quarters to U.S. Mint for insubordination. Yell at quarters for laughing. Come back to self; smile winningly at lady from fourth floor edging nervously towards door of laundry room. As soon as lady from fourth floor leaves, resume muttered threats in direction of quarters. Finally get wash cycle started. Get on elevator. Run into building manager. Deny shrieking "fuck you, Georgie Boy" at quarters. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Smile winningly at building manager edging towards back of elevator. Get off elevator.
Reenter apartment. Begin sorting dirty clothes. Yell at cat for attacking bra. Yell louder at cat for attacking bra. Accuse other cat of putting first cat up to bra attack. Stomp towards bra-attacking cat. Watch in amused horror as cat tries to run away, but finds single fang stuck in fastener of bra. Know in coldest, most fearful corner of soul that cat will now freak out in fashion which would shame Medea herself. As predicted, see cat fluff self up to full Halloween-cat mode in slow motion, accompanied by "vvvvvvrrrrrr VVVVVVRRRRRR VVVVVVRRRRRR" noise of missile silo opening from WarGames. Hit deck with arms over head as furiously inflated cat rockets around apartment like psychotic balloon, growling, drooling, whipping bra-bedecked head about like rabid rat terrier, and bonking D-cup-blinkered head into furniture.
Trepidatiously approach winded, panting cat. Lift cup of bra. Gingerly pat twitching cat. Attempt to remove bra fastener from fang of cat.
Dress wounds with Bactine.
Trepidatiously approach winded, panting cat. Lift cup of bra. Gingerly pat twitching cat. Attempt to remove bra fastener from fang of cat.
Splint arm.
Kneel on neck of cat while reciting Miranda warning. Remove bra fastener from fang of cat. Release cat. Wish cat well with new life under bed.
Begin putting clothes in laundry bag. Remove other cat from laundry bag. Remove staticky, stinky sock from staticky, stinky other cat. Put sock back in laundry bag. Try to talk other cat out of following sock. Tell other cat love affair between it and sock doomed. Comfort other cat. Encourage other cat to eat snack instead of "helping" with laundry. When soothing crunch of kibble is heard, hurriedly stuff all articles of clothing in apartment into laundry bag, leave note for coroner's office in re: bra, load laundry bag onto hand truck, sneak out of apartment, sneak back into apartment, dump bottle of Febreze on other cat, run for door.
Dress bite on ankle with Bactine. Leave apartment. Almost lock self out again.
Get on elevator. Glare menacingly at pocket in which quarters sit. Announce intention not to put up with any more horsing around; smile winningly at dime edging nervously towards hole in pocket.
Arrive at laundry room. Step over woman sobbing on floor in front of change machine, proceed to washing machines. Load washing machines. Declare martial law over quarters, force them into coin slots. Begin wash cycle. Remove bathmat from iron lung, place bathmat and other bedding into dryer. Just for kicks, check lint trap. Remove basketball-sized golem of lint from trap. Step over sobbing woman, place golem in garbage, return to dryer. Start dryer. Stop dryer. Remove book from dryer. Remove Jimmy Hoffa from dryer. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Restart dryer.
Need more change. Roll sobbing woman carefully out of way, introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Flatten out imagined teeny tiny fold on corner of crisp new dollar bill.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Take opposite tack; scrunch up crisp new dollar bill so bill resembles older, wiser, more experienced dollar bill. Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Introduce Mr. Dollarbillyagi into change machine.
Think perhaps change machine prefers firmer, more nubile dollar bill after all. Press down on, step on, sit on, iron with palm. Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Introduce Greta van Dollarbillsteren into change machine.
Sign self out of psychiatric hospital. Return to laundry room. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Introduce crisp new dollar bill into change machine.
Put on sunglasses; sit outside building with cup of pencils and sign reading "please help am blind need QUIET WELL-BEHAVED QUARTERS." Play jazz standards on kazoo.
Return to laundry room. Leave note for coroner's office in re: sobbing woman. Finish paying for dryer cycle.
Return to apartment. Duck under police tape. Retrieve clean set of sheets from under bed. Put on hernia belt; lift other cat -- which, because sleeping, weighs seventy pounds -- from bed. Begin putting on fitted sheet. Wonder why fitted sheet no longer stretches to corner of bed. Spot, then poke mysterious lump at foot of bed. Exclaim at cat coming out from under bed. Warn cat to keep teeth to self. Ask cat to get out from under fitted sheet. Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Order cat to get out from under fitted sheet.
Sign self out of psychiatric hospital. Return to apartment. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Flip back fitted sheet and entice cat out from under fitted sheet with catnip mousie. Put on fitted sheet.
Put on pillowcases. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Put on flat sheet. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Put on coverlet. Notice unsightly blob under coverlet. Ask unsightly blob to get fuck out from under coverlet. Ask unsightly blob to stop snoring, then. Poke unsightly blob with catnip mousie.
Dress wounds with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Go back down to laundry room. Load seventy pounds of laundry into bag. Attempt to drag bag to door. Attempt to push bag to door. Attempt to move bag at all, in any direction, by any means. Fail. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Unload thirty-five pounds back into dryer, try again. Hoist bag up, stagger to door, accidentally knock over lady from fourth floor.
Dress lady from fourth floor with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack.
Ferry clothing to apartment, taking several trips. Dump clothing out onto bed. Note audible "speeeeee-ROING!" as cats bound into center of warm laundry pile, burrow into pile. Break up fighting of cats in middle of pile. Accumulate static charge of twenty-eight gigawatts.
Sign self out of hospital burn unit. Dress burns with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Attempt to begin folding. Fail to remove so much as single t-shirt from underneath cats which, because sleeping, weigh more than wet, fat, drunk college sophomore. Retrieve pot top and wooden spoon from kitchen. Hold aloft. Pause. Grin evilly. Clang spoon on pot top. Marvel at direct trajectory of one cat from laundry pile to bathtub. Speculate as to whereabouts of other cat; speculate as to origins of blood trickling down forehead. Locate other cat on top of head. Remove cat from head.
Dress head with Bactine. Yank palm tree undies out of crack. Yank cat out of crack.
Begin folding.
Fold.
Fold.
Fold.
Sign self out of psychiatric hospital. Return to apartment. Fold. Fold towels. Fold shirts. Fold pants. Fold cats. Sing nonsensical songs about folding. Sing "foldy foldy foldy, I made it out of clay." Sing "I'm a-workin' on the railfold." Sing other, even more nonsensical songs about cats sleeping in drawers, cats clawing pairs of jeans, and how cats don't make good turtlenecks.
Put away last item of clothing. Yank palm tree undies off of body. Douse palm tree undies with bourbon; light palm tree undies on fire. Throw palm tree undies out window. Leave note for coroner in re: palm tree undies. Sprawl out on bed with cats. Inhale sweet, sweet smell of fabric softener. Decide to buy only paper clothing until rich enough to afford live-in maid with patience of saint.
Sleep like dead.