Anniversary
Five years ago today, I was raped.
Consider this your trigger warning.
It wasn't gray rape. It wasn't date rape. It wasn't “rape rape.” It was just rape.
The details aren't really important. You're just going to have to take my word for it.
But here are some things that happened as a result of it.
1. I found out what it means to go into survival mode. You stop thinking and you do what is 100% rational at the time. For me, this meant locking, deadbolting and chaining every door in the house. I didn't realize I had done this until one of my roommates, distraught himself, started banging on the front door to be let in the next morning. I hadn't even identified what had happened to me, but something in my brain did what it could to protect me.
2. If a doctor does not write you a prescription for the morning after pill, your insurance doesn't cover it (April, 2007). Fortunately, Massachusetts allows anyone over the age of 17 to purchase it from a pharmacist. I paid 60 dollars. My roommate drove me to the CVS.
3. There are some bad cops out there, but there are also some amazing ones. I will be forever grateful to the Boston and Allston police force who believed me, who gave me a roll of toilet paper because that's all they had at the station instead of tissues, who drove me to hospital and who said they would pay the fucker a visit because even though the DA declined to press charges, they wanted to make sure he knew he was on their radar. I don't know if they did what they said, but it made me feel better. I like picturing the two officers, with their thick, Boston accents, going up to his apartment and knocking on the door the way only cops do to inform him, "We're going to have a talk, boy."
4. The Boston District Attorney will not pursue an "acquaintance rape" case unless the alleged victim was passed out or drugged. This is because, in their words--more or less--Boston juries are notorious for not believing the alleged victim unless this is the case. Furthermore, the ADA explained to me, I would have been skewered by the defending attorney because I was sexually active at the time, I kept condoms in my bedside drawer, and I was dating the alleged rapist's roommate. Knowing this about the DA, and hating it, has guaranteed that I will be disqualified in the first round from every instance of jury duty I am tapped for.
5. My Alma Mater, Boston University, has an incredible support system that they do not talk about. They should. When I left that semester, I risked losing my scholarship and my degree. But my professors, my college's dean, and even the head of housing worked their asses off to make sure that I could complete my work, get back on campus, reinstate my scholarship and complete my degree. I am angry that schools don't talk about their support systems. With rape so prevalent on campus, why isn't it a selling point?
6. I lost probably 80% of my former friends. Some of them did not believe me, but the vast majority were simply too uncomfortable to be around me anymore.
7. I developed PTSD and Depression. I did not leave my bed for months. When I did return to school that fall, I made frequent calls to the local rape crisis hotline just to make it through the week. Ultimately, I started attending group and individual therapy that was offered, without cost, through the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center. It probably saved my life.
8. I was diagnosed with PMDD, the description for heavy periods, severe mood swings and painful cramps, symptoms I had had since I was 14. I would not have received this diagnosis if these symptoms did not seem to aggravate the PTSD. Fortunately, hormonal birth control can lessen many of these symptoms. I had been taking HBC since I was 16 to fight acne and cramps, and I was switched to a different brand to alleviate these symptoms.
9. Planned Parenthood is an incredible resource. When I no longer had health insurance--before the Affordable Care Act kicked in so that I could continue coverage with my parents--I visited Planned Parenthood's in Virginia and Georgia in order to keep up with my health and test for the STIs that could take months to show up in bloodwork. The nurse practitioners were always sympathetic and put my well being first. Between the ages of 22 and 24, I would not have been able to obtain birth control without Planned Parenthood.
10. When you're raped, the person who you were before goes away. I don't know her anymore, but I can't imagine myself any different than how I am today. I am sorry this terrible thing happened to that girl, but I don't want to be not me. The rape is part of who I am now, and it affects my decisions. I will never “just get over it” because that's like asking someone who loses their hand to just get over it. You adapt, you relearn, but you don't forget it.
So, there it is. Now you know someone who was raped, who took the morning after pill, who continues to take hormonal birth control, who has had depression and who suffered from PTSD. Maybe you already knew someone like me, or maybe you're like me, too. If you are, I am so sorry that happen to you.
According to the most recent estimates, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. But they probably don't talk about it. How can we? It's not exactly dinner-table talk.
"Hi, my name is Jane, I was raped--can you recommend any good movies?"
"Please pass the salt shaker--oh! By the way, I was raped!"
Rape makes people uncomfortable. We don't talk about that thing. It affects our sisters and brothers and daughters and sons, but we don't talk about it because it is uncomfortable.
I am sorry it makes people uncomfortable, but I was raped.
I was raped.
For five years, I have survived. And tomorrow, I'll start my sixth.
Consider this your trigger warning.
It wasn't gray rape. It wasn't date rape. It wasn't “rape rape.” It was just rape.
The details aren't really important. You're just going to have to take my word for it.
But here are some things that happened as a result of it.
1. I found out what it means to go into survival mode. You stop thinking and you do what is 100% rational at the time. For me, this meant locking, deadbolting and chaining every door in the house. I didn't realize I had done this until one of my roommates, distraught himself, started banging on the front door to be let in the next morning. I hadn't even identified what had happened to me, but something in my brain did what it could to protect me.
2. If a doctor does not write you a prescription for the morning after pill, your insurance doesn't cover it (April, 2007). Fortunately, Massachusetts allows anyone over the age of 17 to purchase it from a pharmacist. I paid 60 dollars. My roommate drove me to the CVS.
3. There are some bad cops out there, but there are also some amazing ones. I will be forever grateful to the Boston and Allston police force who believed me, who gave me a roll of toilet paper because that's all they had at the station instead of tissues, who drove me to hospital and who said they would pay the fucker a visit because even though the DA declined to press charges, they wanted to make sure he knew he was on their radar. I don't know if they did what they said, but it made me feel better. I like picturing the two officers, with their thick, Boston accents, going up to his apartment and knocking on the door the way only cops do to inform him, "We're going to have a talk, boy."
4. The Boston District Attorney will not pursue an "acquaintance rape" case unless the alleged victim was passed out or drugged. This is because, in their words--more or less--Boston juries are notorious for not believing the alleged victim unless this is the case. Furthermore, the ADA explained to me, I would have been skewered by the defending attorney because I was sexually active at the time, I kept condoms in my bedside drawer, and I was dating the alleged rapist's roommate. Knowing this about the DA, and hating it, has guaranteed that I will be disqualified in the first round from every instance of jury duty I am tapped for.
5. My Alma Mater, Boston University, has an incredible support system that they do not talk about. They should. When I left that semester, I risked losing my scholarship and my degree. But my professors, my college's dean, and even the head of housing worked their asses off to make sure that I could complete my work, get back on campus, reinstate my scholarship and complete my degree. I am angry that schools don't talk about their support systems. With rape so prevalent on campus, why isn't it a selling point?
6. I lost probably 80% of my former friends. Some of them did not believe me, but the vast majority were simply too uncomfortable to be around me anymore.
7. I developed PTSD and Depression. I did not leave my bed for months. When I did return to school that fall, I made frequent calls to the local rape crisis hotline just to make it through the week. Ultimately, I started attending group and individual therapy that was offered, without cost, through the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center. It probably saved my life.
8. I was diagnosed with PMDD, the description for heavy periods, severe mood swings and painful cramps, symptoms I had had since I was 14. I would not have received this diagnosis if these symptoms did not seem to aggravate the PTSD. Fortunately, hormonal birth control can lessen many of these symptoms. I had been taking HBC since I was 16 to fight acne and cramps, and I was switched to a different brand to alleviate these symptoms.
9. Planned Parenthood is an incredible resource. When I no longer had health insurance--before the Affordable Care Act kicked in so that I could continue coverage with my parents--I visited Planned Parenthood's in Virginia and Georgia in order to keep up with my health and test for the STIs that could take months to show up in bloodwork. The nurse practitioners were always sympathetic and put my well being first. Between the ages of 22 and 24, I would not have been able to obtain birth control without Planned Parenthood.
10. When you're raped, the person who you were before goes away. I don't know her anymore, but I can't imagine myself any different than how I am today. I am sorry this terrible thing happened to that girl, but I don't want to be not me. The rape is part of who I am now, and it affects my decisions. I will never “just get over it” because that's like asking someone who loses their hand to just get over it. You adapt, you relearn, but you don't forget it.
So, there it is. Now you know someone who was raped, who took the morning after pill, who continues to take hormonal birth control, who has had depression and who suffered from PTSD. Maybe you already knew someone like me, or maybe you're like me, too. If you are, I am so sorry that happen to you.
According to the most recent estimates, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. But they probably don't talk about it. How can we? It's not exactly dinner-table talk.
"Hi, my name is Jane, I was raped--can you recommend any good movies?"
"Please pass the salt shaker--oh! By the way, I was raped!"
Rape makes people uncomfortable. We don't talk about that thing. It affects our sisters and brothers and daughters and sons, but we don't talk about it because it is uncomfortable.
I am sorry it makes people uncomfortable, but I was raped.
I was raped.
For five years, I have survived. And tomorrow, I'll start my sixth.