Peep Peril
Title: Peep Peril
Author: The Stargate TwoPsters
Compiled by: Pictures by Shirley Feeney; Text by Aurora Novarum
Rating: Family/General Audience
Category: Gen
Genre: Crackfic, Humor, Crossover (see Disclaimer for with what)
Summary: When SG-1 arrives at a strange new planet filled with strange pastel creatures, ActionFigureBlackOpsJack runs into trouble (basically think of SG-1 et al meet Toy Story).
Warnings: Many cliches were killed from overuse in the writing of this tale. Author takes no responsibility for eye pain from eyes rolling or stomach pain from laughing.
Author's Notes: Peep Peril was inspired by the photographs by TwoPster Shirley Feeney that illustrate this story. A host of TwoPsters too numerous to mention came up with plot concepts and other action figure "friends" for the team to meet. The title was named by TwoPster "Big Beagle". Compiling these inspirations and probably the sole author of the stupider ideas was Aurora Novarum. This unbetaed story first appeared within the forum that created it and is dedicated to that particular crazy corner of fandom.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 characters and plots are the property of Sony/MGM and others that are not me; X-Files and characters are also not mine; Star Trek characters and plotlines are the property of Paramount and others; Ronald McDonald and Grimace are trademarked to McDonalds; Colonel Sanders and the Taco Bell chihuahua are the property of PepsiCo; the King is the property of Burger King; Bob's Big Boy is a trademark of Bob's Big Boy. Peeps are a trademark of someone else not me. Barbie and Ken are the property of Mattel, Inc. Quotes from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", "Toy Story" and "Ghostbusters" amongst other pop culture references, again, none of which I wrote or own. The use of all of the above listed was for satire and entertainment purposes only and not for any monetary gain. No disrespect nor copyright infringement is intended to any of the real owners. (I mentioned it was CrackFic, right?)
Warning: Images below the cuts
Peep Peril Part I
Of course it wasn't going to be an easy mission...
At first the indigenous pink rabbits appeared cute and benign. Later, SG-1 had run into that couple that Daniel explained were apparently in some kind of on-again, off-again relationship.
Jack's team had spread out to explore the rest of the village with some more of the natives, a brown haired man Daniel said was named Mulder, and another bald man Jack took to be the leader. Jack stayed back to watch their six.
Before he knew it, several of the pastel creatures attacked. Not just fluffy pink bunnies, these aliens were all shapes and sized. The girl...Barbara?...was knocked down immediately. Jack shoved her ex-boyfriend or whatever he was under some cover and started firing while radioing his team.
The pastels were quick; he could barely track them with his weapon. He was able to hit a larger one, and it exploded it a rain of marshmallowy goo. Jack quickly decided the native guy was pretty useless. The man could do nothing but quiver under his perfect, almost plasticy tan, so Jack retained his backup weapon for his own use. Then another attack on his flank. The quivering Ken was now down. Carter had radioed, but between the percussion of his weapon's fire and bad interference, he had no idea what had happened to his team.
Now Jack was out of ammunition for his main weapon. He could continue using his zat, but a look around made him realize he was surrounded. Jack decided discretion was the better part of valor and surrendered, hoping his team would be able to rescue him.
Peep Peril II
SG-1 ran to the scene where they had last left their leader, but could find no trace of him. Ken was dead, but Barbie was still alive, though barely conscious. As Sam tended her wounds, she noted the alien female had extremely disproportionate body shape than women on Earth, and apparently could only walk on tip toes.
Barbie was barely able to breathe out the words, neither Daniel nor the other natives, Picard or Mulder could make out anything other than "P--p."
Mulder suspected a conspiracy and began to try and contact someone he referred to as Mr. X. As he walked away, they could hear him muttering comments about conspiracies and bunny slippers.
SG-1 looked at Picard who shook his head. "He gets that way sometimes. I believe we may find your leader if we go to highlands." He pointed to some mountains in the distance that sparkled like sugar. "My ship is out of range at the moment, but we can travel there by foot. I think there is someone we will meet that can help." The team set off.
Meanwhile, the pastel aliens herded Jack far from the village. They chirped a lot, but Jack suspected not even Daniel would be able to translate their sounds. He tried to squeeze past them, but their forms, while not appearing to have a skeletal structure, were not soft and mushy enough for him to get by.
Eventually the crowd in front of him parted, and Jack was faced with the largest pink pastel alien he had ever seen. He was shoved forward by the pastels behind him.
"Oh, I don't think so." He exclaimed. This was looking way too much like sacrifice time and he didn't like what his role looked like being. "Sam? Daniel? Teal'c? Some assistance would be good about now," he keyed into his radio, with no luck.
"Screw it," he muttered and started to fire his zat at the crowd, trying to make a break for it. Before he knew it, he was squashed flat, his zat gun lost somewhere out of reach. God, the alien must have sat on him! The creature was amorphous enough he could still get oxygen, but he was pinned. How would he get out of this jam?
Peep Peril III
Jack was able to maneuver slightly under the massive pink form above him. His legs were still free, so Jack was able to move inch by inch until a grasping hand stretched out to freedom and somehow grabbed hold of the zat. One-two-three zat blasts and the large pink creature disappeared into oblivion.
All the other creatures stopped and stared. Jack decided not to question his sudden freedom. He blasted a path amongst the creatures and ran to escape them.
"He is the chosen. He is the chosen!" The pastel creatures peeped and apparently started to follow.
Jack ran through the small opening of the clearing into the woods. He zigged and zagged, trying to stay away from the pastel creatures. Unfortunately, the region was also pastel colored, except for the off-white stone, so while his pursuers blended, his black outfit stood out.
His radio no longer even held static, its speaker seemed to be covered in the sticky, almost sugary, nature of the now incinerated beast.
Unfamiliar with the terrain, Jack missed a shadow that turned out to be an opening to a crevasse. Down he fell, landing in a sticky white substance up to mid chest. White droplets showered the area from his impact. This was going to be a helluva cleaning bill.
At least his arms were free, but he had lost his zat gun in the fall.
To his despair, the pastel creatures surrounded the ridge above, chanting in their strange peeping language.
SG-1 and their new friends traveled into the highlands, noting the geography was becoming more food textured, in smell and touch. Eventually the group came across a strange site.
A table was set in a clearing; around it sat a clown, a king, an old man in a white suit, a chihuahua, and a large boy in red and white checked overalls. They were playing Texas Hold'em.
"Talk about Alice in Wonderland," Sam muttered.
Daniel cocked an eyebrow in agreement. "Excuse me. We're looking for a man dressed like us, grey hair."
"Was he taken by the peeps? They've been annoyingly loud," the clown said. "My buddy Grimace muttered something about a family reunion. That's why he didn't join us for the game."
"Ay carumba!", said the chihuahua. "I fold."
The king just shook his head.
"I'll help you," said the boy, rising to his full giant height.
"The way my luck's running, I'll join you," said the old man, his knees cracking as he stood. "I'm Sanders, Colonel Sanders, and this here is Bob."
"Nice to meet you." Daniel introduced the others. They left the others to play poker and continued their search.
The team traveled swiftly through the mountains, riding in Big Boy's pocket. They came across some of the pastel creatures, but this time the group scattered upon seeing the massive child. What few remained became poisoned by Col. Sanders savory spices sprinkled amongst them.
They eventually came to a clearing, all that could be found was Jack's P-90 covered in a sugary substance. The group was let down and scouted the area.
"The ground here has been recently trampled," Teal'c intoned.
"I see a large group of the Peeps off in the distance," boomed Bob the big boy. "I don't know if I can get through all the trees though."
"We'll take it from here, then. Thanks!", Sam shouted. The team moved towards where Bob pointed.
Peep Peril IV
SG-1 burst through the trees and looked down over the cliff's edge. Below them they noticed a large white surface. Nothing was around, but they could see a trail of white droplets moving further into the terrain. Pulling ropes out of their backpacks, they repelled down and began to follow the clue to their intrepid leader.
Meanwhile, Jack was being carried by a crowd of Peeps, all chanting their strange rhythmic tone. The strange white stuff that clung to his clothing was slowly falling away, but it seemed to have some kind of paralytic effect. He couldn't move.
Dimly, he was aware of being passed over to the edge of the pastels. He noticed two of them holding his gun and zat, but was unable to reach them before he was rolled into a strange open box. He felt so sleepy. He only noted the hum before falling into unconsciousness.
SG-1 burst into the clearing to see the oddest sight. A sea of pink, blue, yellow and green pastel creatures surrounded a box. As they drew close, they could see their leader inside. It was like some sort of bizarre Snow White and the 700 pastel dwarves.
They started to approach.
"None shall pass."
"What?"
"None shall pass."
"Now hold on here."
"He is our leader, from the outside, the one that destroyed the great one with his arm of fire. Oooo.", the pastels hummed.
Sam and Daniel exchanged looks. "I can't decide if I'm in a bad Monty Python movie or "Toy Story 3".
"Look," Daniel held out his hands unthreateningly. "He's our leader too. We need him back with us."
"But he has been through the sacred white wash."
"And what does that mean?"
"He will sleep until the dawn, and then he will prophesize what we should do."
"Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's baritone voice so close to Daniel Jackson's ear made him jump.
"Uh, what is it, Teal'c?"
"Do you not find it strange we can now understand their language perfectly."
"That is likely my doing." Picard raised his hand and pointed to his button. "Universal translator."
"Really? Cool." Both Sam and Daniel got excited.
"That's nothing." Picard smiled. He pulled out another device...even though they never noticed him with pockets before. "Tricorder. Hmm this device seems to have strange healing properties. I've never seen it's like."
"We have." The three members of SG-1 sighed.
"Well, guess we'll wait with the creatures until the cycle stops." They all sat by the pastel creatures to wait.
Peep Peril Final
All of them waited together for several minutes before Daniel looked up and gave a cry of astonishment. He pointed to the horizon. Several of the pastel creatures were heading towards them. On their backs they carried large pieces of the Stargate. SG-1 blinked in surprise.
"I didn't know a Stargate could be disassembled," Sam said.
"I was unaware as well." Teal'c spoke with awe.
"Only if you prepay the shipping." Picard nodded knowingly.
The pastels grew closer, still chirping their high-pitched chant. When they reached a part of the clearing, they began reassembling the Stargate. Sam started to move towards them, but Daniel held her back.
"I don't think you should interrupt their ritual. We don't want you getting attacked by these creatures too. They're docile now, but..."
"But Daniel, I should see how they are able to..."
Wordlessly, Teal'c handed her a a pair of binoculars. Sam accepted them and resisted rolilng her eyes. "Or I could do that."
The team and their allies watched in wonder as the pastel creatures erected the Stargate. They were unaware of movement behind them until a voice spoke up.
"What are you all looking at?"
"Jack!" "Sir!" "O'Neill!" The relieved expressions of his team greeted Jack O'Neill.
"We suspected the device was a sarcophagus, but we weren't sure...."
"Um, what are the peeping creatures doing now?" Agent Mulder pulled out his own firearm and was pointing it warily at the pastels. The creatures had turned their attention back to O'Neill and were performing a lulling chant.
"We await your prophesy, oh great one!"
"Sweet." Jack muttered sarcastically, then grimaced at the odd choice of words. "Well um, thanks for the hospitality, but we'd like to get on our way now?"
"But you saved us, and reawakened, you must stay and rule us, and we serve you," was the translated response.
"Um..." Daniel jumped in. "What our...leader..." Daniel rolled his eyes in his glare at Jack, willing the colonel to remain silent, "our leader means is he must travel through the Stargate and protect you and other from other evil gods. That's his destiny in service and ruling to you."
"DanielJackson. Should we not stop their reliance in false gods rather than enabling them?"
"Normally, I'd agree, Teal'c. But these guys haven't proven to be the most stable of cultures. Jack's already died once, and I'm for getting out while the getting's good. Isn't this going to be a bizarre enough mission report?"
Major Carter nodded. "I'm with Daniel. These aren't our usual alien encounters."
Colonel O'Neill raised his eyebrows. "Carter. We have usual alien encounters?"
The team all gave him a glaring look. He waved his hands. "Yeah yeah. Gimme a break. I just want to get home and take a long...long shower. I feel like the stay puff marshmallow man." He gestured to where sticky whiteness still clung to parts of his uniform. "Let's just say our farewells to the Lollipop Guild here and be on our way."
"Wait." Barbie and Bob the big boy came forward, Bob cradling the corpse of Ken in his arms. "Do you think, I mean. Could that thing...revive Ken?"
The team looked at each other, then at their allies, who exchanged shrugs. It was worth a shot. Through Picard's universal translator, they relayed the request to the pastels. The peeping chittered amongst themselves about it being reserved for those of the gods.
Jack sighed. "In for a penny..." He groaned and spoke up about the same courtesy should be extended to his "proxy", Ken. He smiled at his team proudly. Daniel wasn't the only one who could play diplomat. The Peeps moved over and allowed the dead Ken to be lowered into the box.
Or at least some of them did, the ones that were affiliated with reassembling the Stargate. Others however started to move to block their path. With an annoyed harrumph, Colonel Sanders peppered them with his eleven savory herbs and spices and the recalcitrant peeps moved away.
Barbie sat crying and impatiently waiting by the box where Ken lay. She looked nervously at Sam. "Do you think he'll be all right?"
Sam tried to smile at the girl with her glycerin tears. "Well, it worked for the colonel. Let's hope." She looked at Barbie curiously. "I thought you said you had broken up?"
Barbie stiffened a bit. "Well, Ken and I will always be good friends, and...you never know..."
The giant Bob nodded. "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."
Barbie bobbed her blonde head, eyes wide at the giant boy's wisdom. "That's right!"
Sam decided to rejoin her team before she heard anymore song lyrics spoken as zen.
Daniel had sidled closer to Picard. "You know, Captain, that translation device could prove very handy in our meetings with other cultures."
Picard gave SG-1 a sad smile. "I'm sorry. But it is against our highest law, our Prime Directive, to share technology with species not as advanced."
"Species?" Mulder jumped up. "Come on, we are the same species. From the same planet. You're just from the future."
"The future?" Daniel's eyes sparkled with interest. "Then you know more about history. You could travel through time..."
Picard cut him off. "That interferes with the temporal prime directive. Sorry."
"We know there's other aliens out there," Mulder continued to be petulant. "You can't hide this forever."
"No, he's right. It could affect the grandfather paradox..." Sam's voice trailed off. "Unless we're in a Moebius loop."
Teal'c let out an audible groan. "Major Carter, I request you refrain from describing time travel theories."
"Wait..Have I described that already? I think..."
"I think some things are better left unsaid, Carter. You're giving Teal'c a headache."
Carter pursed her lips, but complied. "Yes, sir."
While the team were distracted, Picard muttered into the pin of his lapel, "Number One, one to beam up, now." He disappeared in a flash of light.
"Hey!" Mulder cried out, disappointed. "He always does that when I'm distracted. I mean, he could answer so much." He cast a shrewd look to the team. "Come to think of it, you guys seem pretty familiar with aliens yourselves..." He started looking more closely at Teal'c.
"Well, look at the time." O'Neill hurriedly interrupted. "Huh. I think we've worn out our welcome here, haven't we? Showers and Hammond are waiting..."
The team looked at O'Neill askance. "Not THAT way," he quickly corrected. "Dial us up, Daniel."
Daniel Jackson began dialing the DHD, letting the Stargate burst to life.
"Wow!" exclaimed Mulder watching the event horizon explode then settle into its familiar glowing puddle.
Colonel Sanders frowned. "It flushes sideways? Isn't that some kind of health code violation?"
Carter started to explain, but Daniel put a hand on her arm. "Long story. Um, we'll be in touch."
"Sure! We can have a picnic!" Bob's voice rumbled, pulling a huge hamburger out of his pocket.
"And they're talking to us about health code violations?" Sam muttered to Daniel as they stepped through the event horizon.
Teal'c lay a comforting hand on Mulder's shoulder. "The truth is out there, Agent Mulder." Then he and O'Neill stepped through the Stargate, leaving their new allies and the strange pastel creatures behind...for now.
The End
Author: The Stargate TwoPsters
Compiled by: Pictures by Shirley Feeney; Text by Aurora Novarum
Rating: Family/General Audience
Category: Gen
Genre: Crackfic, Humor, Crossover (see Disclaimer for with what)
Summary: When SG-1 arrives at a strange new planet filled with strange pastel creatures, ActionFigureBlackOpsJack runs into trouble (basically think of SG-1 et al meet Toy Story).
Warnings: Many cliches were killed from overuse in the writing of this tale. Author takes no responsibility for eye pain from eyes rolling or stomach pain from laughing.
Author's Notes: Peep Peril was inspired by the photographs by TwoPster Shirley Feeney that illustrate this story. A host of TwoPsters too numerous to mention came up with plot concepts and other action figure "friends" for the team to meet. The title was named by TwoPster "Big Beagle". Compiling these inspirations and probably the sole author of the stupider ideas was Aurora Novarum. This unbetaed story first appeared within the forum that created it and is dedicated to that particular crazy corner of fandom.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 characters and plots are the property of Sony/MGM and others that are not me; X-Files and characters are also not mine; Star Trek characters and plotlines are the property of Paramount and others; Ronald McDonald and Grimace are trademarked to McDonalds; Colonel Sanders and the Taco Bell chihuahua are the property of PepsiCo; the King is the property of Burger King; Bob's Big Boy is a trademark of Bob's Big Boy. Peeps are a trademark of someone else not me. Barbie and Ken are the property of Mattel, Inc. Quotes from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail", "Toy Story" and "Ghostbusters" amongst other pop culture references, again, none of which I wrote or own. The use of all of the above listed was for satire and entertainment purposes only and not for any monetary gain. No disrespect nor copyright infringement is intended to any of the real owners. (I mentioned it was CrackFic, right?)
Warning: Images below the cuts
Peep Peril Part I
Of course it wasn't going to be an easy mission...
At first the indigenous pink rabbits appeared cute and benign. Later, SG-1 had run into that couple that Daniel explained were apparently in some kind of on-again, off-again relationship.
Jack's team had spread out to explore the rest of the village with some more of the natives, a brown haired man Daniel said was named Mulder, and another bald man Jack took to be the leader. Jack stayed back to watch their six.
Before he knew it, several of the pastel creatures attacked. Not just fluffy pink bunnies, these aliens were all shapes and sized. The girl...Barbara?...was knocked down immediately. Jack shoved her ex-boyfriend or whatever he was under some cover and started firing while radioing his team.
The pastels were quick; he could barely track them with his weapon. He was able to hit a larger one, and it exploded it a rain of marshmallowy goo. Jack quickly decided the native guy was pretty useless. The man could do nothing but quiver under his perfect, almost plasticy tan, so Jack retained his backup weapon for his own use. Then another attack on his flank. The quivering Ken was now down. Carter had radioed, but between the percussion of his weapon's fire and bad interference, he had no idea what had happened to his team.
Now Jack was out of ammunition for his main weapon. He could continue using his zat, but a look around made him realize he was surrounded. Jack decided discretion was the better part of valor and surrendered, hoping his team would be able to rescue him.
Peep Peril II
SG-1 ran to the scene where they had last left their leader, but could find no trace of him. Ken was dead, but Barbie was still alive, though barely conscious. As Sam tended her wounds, she noted the alien female had extremely disproportionate body shape than women on Earth, and apparently could only walk on tip toes.
Barbie was barely able to breathe out the words, neither Daniel nor the other natives, Picard or Mulder could make out anything other than "P--p."
Mulder suspected a conspiracy and began to try and contact someone he referred to as Mr. X. As he walked away, they could hear him muttering comments about conspiracies and bunny slippers.
SG-1 looked at Picard who shook his head. "He gets that way sometimes. I believe we may find your leader if we go to highlands." He pointed to some mountains in the distance that sparkled like sugar. "My ship is out of range at the moment, but we can travel there by foot. I think there is someone we will meet that can help." The team set off.
Meanwhile, the pastel aliens herded Jack far from the village. They chirped a lot, but Jack suspected not even Daniel would be able to translate their sounds. He tried to squeeze past them, but their forms, while not appearing to have a skeletal structure, were not soft and mushy enough for him to get by.
Eventually the crowd in front of him parted, and Jack was faced with the largest pink pastel alien he had ever seen. He was shoved forward by the pastels behind him.
"Oh, I don't think so." He exclaimed. This was looking way too much like sacrifice time and he didn't like what his role looked like being. "Sam? Daniel? Teal'c? Some assistance would be good about now," he keyed into his radio, with no luck.
"Screw it," he muttered and started to fire his zat at the crowd, trying to make a break for it. Before he knew it, he was squashed flat, his zat gun lost somewhere out of reach. God, the alien must have sat on him! The creature was amorphous enough he could still get oxygen, but he was pinned. How would he get out of this jam?
Peep Peril III
Jack was able to maneuver slightly under the massive pink form above him. His legs were still free, so Jack was able to move inch by inch until a grasping hand stretched out to freedom and somehow grabbed hold of the zat. One-two-three zat blasts and the large pink creature disappeared into oblivion.
All the other creatures stopped and stared. Jack decided not to question his sudden freedom. He blasted a path amongst the creatures and ran to escape them.
"He is the chosen. He is the chosen!" The pastel creatures peeped and apparently started to follow.
Jack ran through the small opening of the clearing into the woods. He zigged and zagged, trying to stay away from the pastel creatures. Unfortunately, the region was also pastel colored, except for the off-white stone, so while his pursuers blended, his black outfit stood out.
His radio no longer even held static, its speaker seemed to be covered in the sticky, almost sugary, nature of the now incinerated beast.
Unfamiliar with the terrain, Jack missed a shadow that turned out to be an opening to a crevasse. Down he fell, landing in a sticky white substance up to mid chest. White droplets showered the area from his impact. This was going to be a helluva cleaning bill.
At least his arms were free, but he had lost his zat gun in the fall.
To his despair, the pastel creatures surrounded the ridge above, chanting in their strange peeping language.
SG-1 and their new friends traveled into the highlands, noting the geography was becoming more food textured, in smell and touch. Eventually the group came across a strange site.
A table was set in a clearing; around it sat a clown, a king, an old man in a white suit, a chihuahua, and a large boy in red and white checked overalls. They were playing Texas Hold'em.
"Talk about Alice in Wonderland," Sam muttered.
Daniel cocked an eyebrow in agreement. "Excuse me. We're looking for a man dressed like us, grey hair."
"Was he taken by the peeps? They've been annoyingly loud," the clown said. "My buddy Grimace muttered something about a family reunion. That's why he didn't join us for the game."
"Ay carumba!", said the chihuahua. "I fold."
The king just shook his head.
"I'll help you," said the boy, rising to his full giant height.
"The way my luck's running, I'll join you," said the old man, his knees cracking as he stood. "I'm Sanders, Colonel Sanders, and this here is Bob."
"Nice to meet you." Daniel introduced the others. They left the others to play poker and continued their search.
The team traveled swiftly through the mountains, riding in Big Boy's pocket. They came across some of the pastel creatures, but this time the group scattered upon seeing the massive child. What few remained became poisoned by Col. Sanders savory spices sprinkled amongst them.
They eventually came to a clearing, all that could be found was Jack's P-90 covered in a sugary substance. The group was let down and scouted the area.
"The ground here has been recently trampled," Teal'c intoned.
"I see a large group of the Peeps off in the distance," boomed Bob the big boy. "I don't know if I can get through all the trees though."
"We'll take it from here, then. Thanks!", Sam shouted. The team moved towards where Bob pointed.
Peep Peril IV
SG-1 burst through the trees and looked down over the cliff's edge. Below them they noticed a large white surface. Nothing was around, but they could see a trail of white droplets moving further into the terrain. Pulling ropes out of their backpacks, they repelled down and began to follow the clue to their intrepid leader.
Meanwhile, Jack was being carried by a crowd of Peeps, all chanting their strange rhythmic tone. The strange white stuff that clung to his clothing was slowly falling away, but it seemed to have some kind of paralytic effect. He couldn't move.
Dimly, he was aware of being passed over to the edge of the pastels. He noticed two of them holding his gun and zat, but was unable to reach them before he was rolled into a strange open box. He felt so sleepy. He only noted the hum before falling into unconsciousness.
SG-1 burst into the clearing to see the oddest sight. A sea of pink, blue, yellow and green pastel creatures surrounded a box. As they drew close, they could see their leader inside. It was like some sort of bizarre Snow White and the 700 pastel dwarves.
They started to approach.
"None shall pass."
"What?"
"None shall pass."
"Now hold on here."
"He is our leader, from the outside, the one that destroyed the great one with his arm of fire. Oooo.", the pastels hummed.
Sam and Daniel exchanged looks. "I can't decide if I'm in a bad Monty Python movie or "Toy Story 3".
"Look," Daniel held out his hands unthreateningly. "He's our leader too. We need him back with us."
"But he has been through the sacred white wash."
"And what does that mean?"
"He will sleep until the dawn, and then he will prophesize what we should do."
"Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's baritone voice so close to Daniel Jackson's ear made him jump.
"Uh, what is it, Teal'c?"
"Do you not find it strange we can now understand their language perfectly."
"That is likely my doing." Picard raised his hand and pointed to his button. "Universal translator."
"Really? Cool." Both Sam and Daniel got excited.
"That's nothing." Picard smiled. He pulled out another device...even though they never noticed him with pockets before. "Tricorder. Hmm this device seems to have strange healing properties. I've never seen it's like."
"We have." The three members of SG-1 sighed.
"Well, guess we'll wait with the creatures until the cycle stops." They all sat by the pastel creatures to wait.
Peep Peril Final
All of them waited together for several minutes before Daniel looked up and gave a cry of astonishment. He pointed to the horizon. Several of the pastel creatures were heading towards them. On their backs they carried large pieces of the Stargate. SG-1 blinked in surprise.
"I didn't know a Stargate could be disassembled," Sam said.
"I was unaware as well." Teal'c spoke with awe.
"Only if you prepay the shipping." Picard nodded knowingly.
The pastels grew closer, still chirping their high-pitched chant. When they reached a part of the clearing, they began reassembling the Stargate. Sam started to move towards them, but Daniel held her back.
"I don't think you should interrupt their ritual. We don't want you getting attacked by these creatures too. They're docile now, but..."
"But Daniel, I should see how they are able to..."
Wordlessly, Teal'c handed her a a pair of binoculars. Sam accepted them and resisted rolilng her eyes. "Or I could do that."
The team and their allies watched in wonder as the pastel creatures erected the Stargate. They were unaware of movement behind them until a voice spoke up.
"What are you all looking at?"
"Jack!" "Sir!" "O'Neill!" The relieved expressions of his team greeted Jack O'Neill.
"We suspected the device was a sarcophagus, but we weren't sure...."
"Um, what are the peeping creatures doing now?" Agent Mulder pulled out his own firearm and was pointing it warily at the pastels. The creatures had turned their attention back to O'Neill and were performing a lulling chant.
"We await your prophesy, oh great one!"
"Sweet." Jack muttered sarcastically, then grimaced at the odd choice of words. "Well um, thanks for the hospitality, but we'd like to get on our way now?"
"But you saved us, and reawakened, you must stay and rule us, and we serve you," was the translated response.
"Um..." Daniel jumped in. "What our...leader..." Daniel rolled his eyes in his glare at Jack, willing the colonel to remain silent, "our leader means is he must travel through the Stargate and protect you and other from other evil gods. That's his destiny in service and ruling to you."
"DanielJackson. Should we not stop their reliance in false gods rather than enabling them?"
"Normally, I'd agree, Teal'c. But these guys haven't proven to be the most stable of cultures. Jack's already died once, and I'm for getting out while the getting's good. Isn't this going to be a bizarre enough mission report?"
Major Carter nodded. "I'm with Daniel. These aren't our usual alien encounters."
Colonel O'Neill raised his eyebrows. "Carter. We have usual alien encounters?"
The team all gave him a glaring look. He waved his hands. "Yeah yeah. Gimme a break. I just want to get home and take a long...long shower. I feel like the stay puff marshmallow man." He gestured to where sticky whiteness still clung to parts of his uniform. "Let's just say our farewells to the Lollipop Guild here and be on our way."
"Wait." Barbie and Bob the big boy came forward, Bob cradling the corpse of Ken in his arms. "Do you think, I mean. Could that thing...revive Ken?"
The team looked at each other, then at their allies, who exchanged shrugs. It was worth a shot. Through Picard's universal translator, they relayed the request to the pastels. The peeping chittered amongst themselves about it being reserved for those of the gods.
Jack sighed. "In for a penny..." He groaned and spoke up about the same courtesy should be extended to his "proxy", Ken. He smiled at his team proudly. Daniel wasn't the only one who could play diplomat. The Peeps moved over and allowed the dead Ken to be lowered into the box.
Or at least some of them did, the ones that were affiliated with reassembling the Stargate. Others however started to move to block their path. With an annoyed harrumph, Colonel Sanders peppered them with his eleven savory herbs and spices and the recalcitrant peeps moved away.
Barbie sat crying and impatiently waiting by the box where Ken lay. She looked nervously at Sam. "Do you think he'll be all right?"
Sam tried to smile at the girl with her glycerin tears. "Well, it worked for the colonel. Let's hope." She looked at Barbie curiously. "I thought you said you had broken up?"
Barbie stiffened a bit. "Well, Ken and I will always be good friends, and...you never know..."
The giant Bob nodded. "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."
Barbie bobbed her blonde head, eyes wide at the giant boy's wisdom. "That's right!"
Sam decided to rejoin her team before she heard anymore song lyrics spoken as zen.
Daniel had sidled closer to Picard. "You know, Captain, that translation device could prove very handy in our meetings with other cultures."
Picard gave SG-1 a sad smile. "I'm sorry. But it is against our highest law, our Prime Directive, to share technology with species not as advanced."
"Species?" Mulder jumped up. "Come on, we are the same species. From the same planet. You're just from the future."
"The future?" Daniel's eyes sparkled with interest. "Then you know more about history. You could travel through time..."
Picard cut him off. "That interferes with the temporal prime directive. Sorry."
"We know there's other aliens out there," Mulder continued to be petulant. "You can't hide this forever."
"No, he's right. It could affect the grandfather paradox..." Sam's voice trailed off. "Unless we're in a Moebius loop."
Teal'c let out an audible groan. "Major Carter, I request you refrain from describing time travel theories."
"Wait..Have I described that already? I think..."
"I think some things are better left unsaid, Carter. You're giving Teal'c a headache."
Carter pursed her lips, but complied. "Yes, sir."
While the team were distracted, Picard muttered into the pin of his lapel, "Number One, one to beam up, now." He disappeared in a flash of light.
"Hey!" Mulder cried out, disappointed. "He always does that when I'm distracted. I mean, he could answer so much." He cast a shrewd look to the team. "Come to think of it, you guys seem pretty familiar with aliens yourselves..." He started looking more closely at Teal'c.
"Well, look at the time." O'Neill hurriedly interrupted. "Huh. I think we've worn out our welcome here, haven't we? Showers and Hammond are waiting..."
The team looked at O'Neill askance. "Not THAT way," he quickly corrected. "Dial us up, Daniel."
Daniel Jackson began dialing the DHD, letting the Stargate burst to life.
"Wow!" exclaimed Mulder watching the event horizon explode then settle into its familiar glowing puddle.
Colonel Sanders frowned. "It flushes sideways? Isn't that some kind of health code violation?"
Carter started to explain, but Daniel put a hand on her arm. "Long story. Um, we'll be in touch."
"Sure! We can have a picnic!" Bob's voice rumbled, pulling a huge hamburger out of his pocket.
"And they're talking to us about health code violations?" Sam muttered to Daniel as they stepped through the event horizon.
Teal'c lay a comforting hand on Mulder's shoulder. "The truth is out there, Agent Mulder." Then he and O'Neill stepped through the Stargate, leaving their new allies and the strange pastel creatures behind...for now.
The End