Redial Fic: The Lollipop Guild
Title: The Lollipop Guild
Category: Crackfic, Humor
Characters: Classic SG-1 team
Rating: PG (for very mild language)
Summary: SG-1's diplomatic mission has gone bad, and now they're stuck in an unusual cell.
Written in honor of the redial_the_gate community hitting over 200 members. All the redial mods decided to thank everyone in true Stargate style--with oz themed crackfic (emphasis on *crack*, heh). Enjoy!
"Daniel, did you have to piss off the Lollipop Guild?"
Daniel stopped his pacing of the cell to stare at his friend and team leader. A frustrated Jack O'Neill was leaning against the door of the prison, tapping a tattoo against its solid frame. Daniel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I already told you. They were passing out so many delicacies, there was no way for me to realize that one tray was of such great significance to the confectioners' union. Besides, did you look at it? I'm still not completely sure it was edible."
"I've not known you to be particularly fussy before. I've seen you eat alien armadillo!"
Daniel looked up at Jack, who was mouthing the words "bawk bawk". Daniel narrowed his eyes. Jack had feigned a stomach ailment to get out of trying any of the Machotin's exotic looking feast, and now he was complaining about Daniel being finicky? Honestly, how many times could he apologize? If this was how Jack was going to be...well, two could play at that game.
Feigning innocence, Daniel replied, "I was just following orders."
That caught Jack off-guard. He stopped drumming his fingers against the metal and swung his arms wide to indicate the cell they were in. "What orders? Our orders were to negotiate a treaty with Munchkinland for fancy doodads. Not, piss off our hosts and land in jail."
Daniel refrained from correcting Jack's unfortunately apt malaprop for their short-statured hosts. Instead, he maintained his innocent air as he flashed Jack a quick smile. "I believe you made a standing order to 'stick to rations'?"
Jack blinked. "What?"
Daniel shrugged. "They were singling me out to try the pastry. And well..." He blinked at Jack several times. "It is only for you."
Jack's eyes widened as he finally recognized the reference and pointed his finger at Daniel. "We agreed never to talk about that."
From the cell next door, Sam snorted. Both Daniel and Jack turned towards her, but their teammate was studiously avoiding their gaze. She was bent down, studying the wall in the corner of the cell she and Teal'c shared, but Daniel could see the slight shaking that indicated she was suppressing laughter. Teal'c was standing in the center of the cell, legs apart, arms resting behind him. On first glance, he appeared a stern, calm presence, but as Daniel squinted in the gloom, he almost detected a twitch of an eyebrow that could be interpreted as amusement.
Jack's focus was more on the other human member of the team, who was much easier to read. His tone was dry as he asked, "Did you have something to add, Carter?"
Sam surprised Daniel when she leaned back on her heels and said distractedly, "Yes, sir."
Jack was caught off-guard as well. He parroted back, "Yes, sir?"
Sam looked over to the others, and Daniel realized the bored teasing he and Jack had been engaging in was forgotten by his friend in light of some discovery she had made. "The walls, sir. I don't think they're truly stone. She lifted her hand and showed the fine dust covering them. "The structure grinds to a powder without too much effort. This can't have originally been their jail, or if it was, it's aged a great deal."
Daniel looked around the cell. Actually, now that he was paying attention, the barrier separating he and Jack from Sam and Teal'c appeared to be more of a framing for shelving than bars. The confectioners' union had authority over them, so the team was imprisoned in their section of the city. Daniel found the smell of baking products throughout the air torturous. But it helped solidify his theory. "I wonder..."
In the meantime, Teal'c had joined Sam in the corner of their cell. He ground the dust between his two fingers, and out of the corner of his eye, Daniel spotted him licking the substance.
Jack protested, "Teal'c!"
Teal'c stood and fixed Jack with a raised eyebrow. "My symbiote protects me from most toxins, O'Neill." He again scraped his hand against the wall. "This substance is indeed similar in taste and texture to ingredients at the feast."
"Wow." Daniel touched the wall, tentatively licking the dust on his hand and ignoring Jack's glare. "Teal'c's right. This is the same stuff they used at the buffet."
Sam nodded. "It would make sense. When we were discussing possible trade options, they mentioned their biggest commodity was their sweet preservative mined from caverns."
"It's a preservative?" Daniel smiled at her. "That's why these cells look so odd. It's a pantry. Instead of a 'saltcellar', it's like sugar."
Sam nodded. "Exactly. They use the mineral itself as the structure."
"Sugar grows in a field, not a rock. Sugar cane? Candy cane?" Jack still didn't look happy. "And what are you proposing we do? Lick our way out of the gingerbread house?"
Teal'c tilted his head as if Jack's rhetorical question was under serious consideration. "The substance appears to dissolve when encountering a liquid."
"Which is why it's so dry in here..." Sam straightened and started rummaging through her vest. The Machotins had taken their weapons and packs, but left them their vests, and thankfully, their GDOs. "But I have some water based items in my vest's testing kit. It might dissolve the walls."
Both Daniel and Jack looked at her in surprise. Finally Jack shrugged and waved for her to continue. "Melting with water? It worked for Dorothy."
Surprisingly Sam's plan worked. Teal'c and Jack were able to pull one of the shelving pieces loose and use it to scrape against the wall, furthering their breakout efforts. Soon they had a large enough hole, and with Jack and Daniel squeezing into Sam and Teal'c's cell through the opening in the shelving, they all got out.
"So what now?" Sam asked, wiping her bangs out of her eyes. "Should we try and contact the other delegates?"
"I don't think so. We may have only insulted the confectioners' union at today's feast, but word will spread, and they seem very powerful and closely aligned. From what I've gathered, these unions have developed similar to the various guilds in England that grew to power in the House of Commons for Parliament and..."
"Daniel..." Jack warned glancing around the buildings, "not the time for a dissertation."
"It's not a..." Daniel broke off his automatic response. "The point is, I don't think we want to incite a civil war, and I doubt we'd succeed if we tried. I don't think any of the guilds are too happy. An insult to one is an insult to all."
"So, write off the portable power sources, scrub the mission, and get our asses back to the Stargate," Jack summarized. He and Teal'c were already scouting the streets for egress.
Daniel looked around. They'd come out into a back alley, and it was the dead of night. The good news was cloud cover would hopefully keep them unnoticed; the bad news was there wasn't much light to guide them. The Machotins lined their streets with a variety of the colored power sources Sam and the science teams had been so keen on. It looked like a fluorescent version of the stripes the SGC used to mark their corridors, but after the complicated tour SG-1 had been given, Daniel couldn't make heads or tails of them anymore. "Anyone know which way?"
After checking the coast was clear on the main thoroughfare, Jack glanced at the various colored lights lining the borders of the streets. He pointed at the golden hued ones. "We follow those east, and it'll get us to the Stargate."
Sam looked at the dark silhouettes of the tall buildings surrounding them. "Are you sure, sir? I can't make out landmarks amongst the high rises to know which direction."
"That's the entrance tower." Jack pointed to a spire in the distance Daniel could barely make out in the gloom. "And Chief Munchkin told us when we arrived the golden ones were the ones that led to pastureland...meaning the garden where the Stargate's set up."
"You remember that?" Daniel had gotten completely disoriented when their guide had rattled off the explanations of all the route markers-too many colors to translate with an odd etymology and foreign orientation.
Jack lifted his eyebrows in surprise. "I always pay attention to the important stuff." He took off before Daniel could dispute that claim. "Let's follow the yellow brick road, people."
They passed through the city with no signs of alarm. Finally they hit the open, unpopulated region. Without fear of capture and familiar landmarks indicating the Stargate was not far, the team started to relax. Daniel wasn't certain Jack even realized he had started to hum. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't off-key. Daniel gritted his teeth and trudged on.
Teal'c, leading the group, suddenly stopped, almost causing Daniel and Sam to collide with his back. The Jaffa pivoted, and his expression made the pair back away and look for danger, but Teal'c's stern look was directed at the rear member of the team. "O'Neill, if you persist in humming Over the Rainbow, I will not be responsible for my actions."
"I wasn't," Jack protested indignantly.
"You were," Sam immediately countered with an aggravated air. Belatedly, she tacked on, "...sir." She escaped by taking over Teal'c's point position and walking at a fast clip.
"I don't hum." Jack tried to stare Teal'c down in what they all knew would be a losing battle. He turned to Daniel, who shrugged and shook his head.
They finally made it to the last rise. The Stargate beckoned in the dawn light. Daniel breathed a sigh of relief and turned to exchange a smile with Jack, but O'Neill's expression had hardened. "Move, now."
Daniel didn't question the order. Jack's sudden change in demeanor was enough to warn him of danger. Unarmed, their only option was to sprint to the Stargate. Glancing back in the increasing light, Daniel could see the native people giving chase-complete with their pitchfork energy weapons.
"Carter, dial us up!" Jack yelled. Sam had been in the lead when they started running and she was already to the DHD. Quickly she slammed the glyphs as Daniel fumbled for the GDO at his sleeve.
"O'Neill!" Teal'c yelled in warning a moment before a blast shot between Jack and Daniel as he watched his wrist. The light on the GDO turned green.
"We're clear!" He shouted. Sam had only paused by the wormhole for Daniel's nod before diving through. Teal'c waited at the 'gate until Daniel and Jack leaped up the steps three at a time. They all jumped through together.
They arrived in the Gate room, still gasping from the exertion as the iris closed behind them. Hammond strode into the room.
"Colonel? SG-1 wasn't to return until tomorrow. What happened to the negotiations?"
Jack shook his head. "Didn't go so well, sir. But..." He looked around the room and all his uninjured team members. "There's no place like home."
Fin.
Category: Crackfic, Humor
Characters: Classic SG-1 team
Rating: PG (for very mild language)
Summary: SG-1's diplomatic mission has gone bad, and now they're stuck in an unusual cell.
Written in honor of the redial_the_gate community hitting over 200 members. All the redial mods decided to thank everyone in true Stargate style--with oz themed crackfic (emphasis on *crack*, heh). Enjoy!
"Daniel, did you have to piss off the Lollipop Guild?"
Daniel stopped his pacing of the cell to stare at his friend and team leader. A frustrated Jack O'Neill was leaning against the door of the prison, tapping a tattoo against its solid frame. Daniel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I already told you. They were passing out so many delicacies, there was no way for me to realize that one tray was of such great significance to the confectioners' union. Besides, did you look at it? I'm still not completely sure it was edible."
"I've not known you to be particularly fussy before. I've seen you eat alien armadillo!"
Daniel looked up at Jack, who was mouthing the words "bawk bawk". Daniel narrowed his eyes. Jack had feigned a stomach ailment to get out of trying any of the Machotin's exotic looking feast, and now he was complaining about Daniel being finicky? Honestly, how many times could he apologize? If this was how Jack was going to be...well, two could play at that game.
Feigning innocence, Daniel replied, "I was just following orders."
That caught Jack off-guard. He stopped drumming his fingers against the metal and swung his arms wide to indicate the cell they were in. "What orders? Our orders were to negotiate a treaty with Munchkinland for fancy doodads. Not, piss off our hosts and land in jail."
Daniel refrained from correcting Jack's unfortunately apt malaprop for their short-statured hosts. Instead, he maintained his innocent air as he flashed Jack a quick smile. "I believe you made a standing order to 'stick to rations'?"
Jack blinked. "What?"
Daniel shrugged. "They were singling me out to try the pastry. And well..." He blinked at Jack several times. "It is only for you."
Jack's eyes widened as he finally recognized the reference and pointed his finger at Daniel. "We agreed never to talk about that."
From the cell next door, Sam snorted. Both Daniel and Jack turned towards her, but their teammate was studiously avoiding their gaze. She was bent down, studying the wall in the corner of the cell she and Teal'c shared, but Daniel could see the slight shaking that indicated she was suppressing laughter. Teal'c was standing in the center of the cell, legs apart, arms resting behind him. On first glance, he appeared a stern, calm presence, but as Daniel squinted in the gloom, he almost detected a twitch of an eyebrow that could be interpreted as amusement.
Jack's focus was more on the other human member of the team, who was much easier to read. His tone was dry as he asked, "Did you have something to add, Carter?"
Sam surprised Daniel when she leaned back on her heels and said distractedly, "Yes, sir."
Jack was caught off-guard as well. He parroted back, "Yes, sir?"
Sam looked over to the others, and Daniel realized the bored teasing he and Jack had been engaging in was forgotten by his friend in light of some discovery she had made. "The walls, sir. I don't think they're truly stone. She lifted her hand and showed the fine dust covering them. "The structure grinds to a powder without too much effort. This can't have originally been their jail, or if it was, it's aged a great deal."
Daniel looked around the cell. Actually, now that he was paying attention, the barrier separating he and Jack from Sam and Teal'c appeared to be more of a framing for shelving than bars. The confectioners' union had authority over them, so the team was imprisoned in their section of the city. Daniel found the smell of baking products throughout the air torturous. But it helped solidify his theory. "I wonder..."
In the meantime, Teal'c had joined Sam in the corner of their cell. He ground the dust between his two fingers, and out of the corner of his eye, Daniel spotted him licking the substance.
Jack protested, "Teal'c!"
Teal'c stood and fixed Jack with a raised eyebrow. "My symbiote protects me from most toxins, O'Neill." He again scraped his hand against the wall. "This substance is indeed similar in taste and texture to ingredients at the feast."
"Wow." Daniel touched the wall, tentatively licking the dust on his hand and ignoring Jack's glare. "Teal'c's right. This is the same stuff they used at the buffet."
Sam nodded. "It would make sense. When we were discussing possible trade options, they mentioned their biggest commodity was their sweet preservative mined from caverns."
"It's a preservative?" Daniel smiled at her. "That's why these cells look so odd. It's a pantry. Instead of a 'saltcellar', it's like sugar."
Sam nodded. "Exactly. They use the mineral itself as the structure."
"Sugar grows in a field, not a rock. Sugar cane? Candy cane?" Jack still didn't look happy. "And what are you proposing we do? Lick our way out of the gingerbread house?"
Teal'c tilted his head as if Jack's rhetorical question was under serious consideration. "The substance appears to dissolve when encountering a liquid."
"Which is why it's so dry in here..." Sam straightened and started rummaging through her vest. The Machotins had taken their weapons and packs, but left them their vests, and thankfully, their GDOs. "But I have some water based items in my vest's testing kit. It might dissolve the walls."
Both Daniel and Jack looked at her in surprise. Finally Jack shrugged and waved for her to continue. "Melting with water? It worked for Dorothy."
Surprisingly Sam's plan worked. Teal'c and Jack were able to pull one of the shelving pieces loose and use it to scrape against the wall, furthering their breakout efforts. Soon they had a large enough hole, and with Jack and Daniel squeezing into Sam and Teal'c's cell through the opening in the shelving, they all got out.
"So what now?" Sam asked, wiping her bangs out of her eyes. "Should we try and contact the other delegates?"
"I don't think so. We may have only insulted the confectioners' union at today's feast, but word will spread, and they seem very powerful and closely aligned. From what I've gathered, these unions have developed similar to the various guilds in England that grew to power in the House of Commons for Parliament and..."
"Daniel..." Jack warned glancing around the buildings, "not the time for a dissertation."
"It's not a..." Daniel broke off his automatic response. "The point is, I don't think we want to incite a civil war, and I doubt we'd succeed if we tried. I don't think any of the guilds are too happy. An insult to one is an insult to all."
"So, write off the portable power sources, scrub the mission, and get our asses back to the Stargate," Jack summarized. He and Teal'c were already scouting the streets for egress.
Daniel looked around. They'd come out into a back alley, and it was the dead of night. The good news was cloud cover would hopefully keep them unnoticed; the bad news was there wasn't much light to guide them. The Machotins lined their streets with a variety of the colored power sources Sam and the science teams had been so keen on. It looked like a fluorescent version of the stripes the SGC used to mark their corridors, but after the complicated tour SG-1 had been given, Daniel couldn't make heads or tails of them anymore. "Anyone know which way?"
After checking the coast was clear on the main thoroughfare, Jack glanced at the various colored lights lining the borders of the streets. He pointed at the golden hued ones. "We follow those east, and it'll get us to the Stargate."
Sam looked at the dark silhouettes of the tall buildings surrounding them. "Are you sure, sir? I can't make out landmarks amongst the high rises to know which direction."
"That's the entrance tower." Jack pointed to a spire in the distance Daniel could barely make out in the gloom. "And Chief Munchkin told us when we arrived the golden ones were the ones that led to pastureland...meaning the garden where the Stargate's set up."
"You remember that?" Daniel had gotten completely disoriented when their guide had rattled off the explanations of all the route markers-too many colors to translate with an odd etymology and foreign orientation.
Jack lifted his eyebrows in surprise. "I always pay attention to the important stuff." He took off before Daniel could dispute that claim. "Let's follow the yellow brick road, people."
They passed through the city with no signs of alarm. Finally they hit the open, unpopulated region. Without fear of capture and familiar landmarks indicating the Stargate was not far, the team started to relax. Daniel wasn't certain Jack even realized he had started to hum. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't off-key. Daniel gritted his teeth and trudged on.
Teal'c, leading the group, suddenly stopped, almost causing Daniel and Sam to collide with his back. The Jaffa pivoted, and his expression made the pair back away and look for danger, but Teal'c's stern look was directed at the rear member of the team. "O'Neill, if you persist in humming Over the Rainbow, I will not be responsible for my actions."
"I wasn't," Jack protested indignantly.
"You were," Sam immediately countered with an aggravated air. Belatedly, she tacked on, "...sir." She escaped by taking over Teal'c's point position and walking at a fast clip.
"I don't hum." Jack tried to stare Teal'c down in what they all knew would be a losing battle. He turned to Daniel, who shrugged and shook his head.
They finally made it to the last rise. The Stargate beckoned in the dawn light. Daniel breathed a sigh of relief and turned to exchange a smile with Jack, but O'Neill's expression had hardened. "Move, now."
Daniel didn't question the order. Jack's sudden change in demeanor was enough to warn him of danger. Unarmed, their only option was to sprint to the Stargate. Glancing back in the increasing light, Daniel could see the native people giving chase-complete with their pitchfork energy weapons.
"Carter, dial us up!" Jack yelled. Sam had been in the lead when they started running and she was already to the DHD. Quickly she slammed the glyphs as Daniel fumbled for the GDO at his sleeve.
"O'Neill!" Teal'c yelled in warning a moment before a blast shot between Jack and Daniel as he watched his wrist. The light on the GDO turned green.
"We're clear!" He shouted. Sam had only paused by the wormhole for Daniel's nod before diving through. Teal'c waited at the 'gate until Daniel and Jack leaped up the steps three at a time. They all jumped through together.
They arrived in the Gate room, still gasping from the exertion as the iris closed behind them. Hammond strode into the room.
"Colonel? SG-1 wasn't to return until tomorrow. What happened to the negotiations?"
Jack shook his head. "Didn't go so well, sir. But..." He looked around the room and all his uninjured team members. "There's no place like home."
Fin.