The Baptist Assholes Union
Background: I'm a canvasser. One of the guys who talks to people and raises funds for a nonprofit.
We did First Thursday today. Fun! Cold! Long!
We were waiting to come back, at the bus stop. And the Baptist Assholes Union had set up on both sides of a street corner. There was a man in a black jacket and cowboy hat hollering about YOU ARE GOING TO HELL. There were guys on either side with giant banners all about SALVATION DAMNATION. We were standing over there at the bus stop grumbling about it, "I wanna go argue with those guys."
And everyone always says that. Some people do argue with 'em. But I did something new, and I dunno why I never did it before. I zipped up my coat so I wasn't representing my organization, went to the corner across from the man in black, and started counter-preaching.
I mean, I was surrounded by BAU members, no doubt. Everywhere, must've been twenty of them. But my job is to be on stage in front of a not-necessarily-supportive audience all day. I can handle those chumps. And my job is to engage every person walking down a sidewalk and get 'em involved. I'm six times as good as some no-account amateur in a stupid black hat.
So while he was there yelling about damnation and hate, I set up.
"Jesus is all about love, and he wants you to have a good time!"
"Love your brother and give money to homeless people, that's the message!"
"Don't worry about all that hell and hate, Jesus wants you to party and have fun! Water to wine, guys!"
"Jesus wants you, personally, to be nice to people and enjoy the wonderful world around you!"
"Jesus loves you, straight or gay, christian or atheist! He's glad you're getting creative! Do what makes you happy!"
"Jesus wants you to stop worrying so much about possessions, and just love your brother!"
And EVERY PERSON LOVED ME. It was great. They'd walk past his hostility, and then they'd see me catch their eye and tense up for another burst of hate, and then I'd belt out at em at the top of my lungs
"JESUS LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU TO GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE"
And they would!
Yay!
Oh lawd the BAU did harass me. The old man pushed one of the kids- like high school at the most, maybe 15- over to me, saying "This man is homeless, will you give him money like you say?"
And I knew he wasn't homeless. But fuck you, you gonna call me out? Without one second of hesitation I reached in my wallet and grabbed the only bill I had- a ten- and gave it to the kid.
JR said later, "You just paid for ten dollars worth of those bullshit pamphlets." I said, "Hell no, I paid for that fifteen year old kid to see that his church is bullshit and I'm not."
Don't I spend every day telling people that ten dollars is a pittance to spend making the world a better place? Put my money where my mouth is. I did AmeriCorps, you dumb bastards. I don't NEED money. And if trying to con somebody out of charity money is how you work in Jesus' name, I think you have some thinking to do.
They tried to do it twice. These self-declared holy rollers did not regret stealing money.
This one guy, a young man, maybe 24, very well kempt and dressed. Was standing next to me saying things like "Jesus doesn't love, he's violent," "You're just telling people to go out and sin," "What if what makes me happy is murdering people?" "The core of Jesus' message is salvation and hell!" "You're a false prophet!" "Can we stone him? Where are the stones?" Violent-spirited bloody-minded little turd.
Shit, son, I'm a canvasser. I know how to give a snappy rebuttal until the traffic shows back up and then disregard your ass to spread the good word.
I think that ten minutes of fucking with those people was the most beautiful and artful canvassing I've ever done. Confident, passionate, extemporaneous, improvised and free, getting high fives and support from every passerby, right there in the teeth of the lion. Those people needed twenty of them to be a presence. Amateurs. I fill a street with my voice. I am an army of one.
And when I left, they shut up. Nobody was talking, once I walked away. They were standing around muttering to each other, but, unbelievably (seriously I can hardly believe it) the dumb bastards were shut up.
Good. Fuck you and your hate. I don't know if there's a Jesus or a God but if either one of them is a hate machine they can eat seven dicks. Me, I come not to bring a sword, but to bring peace.
Life is amazing.
We did First Thursday today. Fun! Cold! Long!
We were waiting to come back, at the bus stop. And the Baptist Assholes Union had set up on both sides of a street corner. There was a man in a black jacket and cowboy hat hollering about YOU ARE GOING TO HELL. There were guys on either side with giant banners all about SALVATION DAMNATION. We were standing over there at the bus stop grumbling about it, "I wanna go argue with those guys."
And everyone always says that. Some people do argue with 'em. But I did something new, and I dunno why I never did it before. I zipped up my coat so I wasn't representing my organization, went to the corner across from the man in black, and started counter-preaching.
I mean, I was surrounded by BAU members, no doubt. Everywhere, must've been twenty of them. But my job is to be on stage in front of a not-necessarily-supportive audience all day. I can handle those chumps. And my job is to engage every person walking down a sidewalk and get 'em involved. I'm six times as good as some no-account amateur in a stupid black hat.
So while he was there yelling about damnation and hate, I set up.
"Jesus is all about love, and he wants you to have a good time!"
"Love your brother and give money to homeless people, that's the message!"
"Don't worry about all that hell and hate, Jesus wants you to party and have fun! Water to wine, guys!"
"Jesus wants you, personally, to be nice to people and enjoy the wonderful world around you!"
"Jesus loves you, straight or gay, christian or atheist! He's glad you're getting creative! Do what makes you happy!"
"Jesus wants you to stop worrying so much about possessions, and just love your brother!"
And EVERY PERSON LOVED ME. It was great. They'd walk past his hostility, and then they'd see me catch their eye and tense up for another burst of hate, and then I'd belt out at em at the top of my lungs
"JESUS LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU TO GIVE ME A HIGH FIVE"
And they would!
Yay!
Oh lawd the BAU did harass me. The old man pushed one of the kids- like high school at the most, maybe 15- over to me, saying "This man is homeless, will you give him money like you say?"
And I knew he wasn't homeless. But fuck you, you gonna call me out? Without one second of hesitation I reached in my wallet and grabbed the only bill I had- a ten- and gave it to the kid.
JR said later, "You just paid for ten dollars worth of those bullshit pamphlets." I said, "Hell no, I paid for that fifteen year old kid to see that his church is bullshit and I'm not."
Don't I spend every day telling people that ten dollars is a pittance to spend making the world a better place? Put my money where my mouth is. I did AmeriCorps, you dumb bastards. I don't NEED money. And if trying to con somebody out of charity money is how you work in Jesus' name, I think you have some thinking to do.
They tried to do it twice. These self-declared holy rollers did not regret stealing money.
This one guy, a young man, maybe 24, very well kempt and dressed. Was standing next to me saying things like "Jesus doesn't love, he's violent," "You're just telling people to go out and sin," "What if what makes me happy is murdering people?" "The core of Jesus' message is salvation and hell!" "You're a false prophet!" "Can we stone him? Where are the stones?" Violent-spirited bloody-minded little turd.
Shit, son, I'm a canvasser. I know how to give a snappy rebuttal until the traffic shows back up and then disregard your ass to spread the good word.
I think that ten minutes of fucking with those people was the most beautiful and artful canvassing I've ever done. Confident, passionate, extemporaneous, improvised and free, getting high fives and support from every passerby, right there in the teeth of the lion. Those people needed twenty of them to be a presence. Amateurs. I fill a street with my voice. I am an army of one.
And when I left, they shut up. Nobody was talking, once I walked away. They were standing around muttering to each other, but, unbelievably (seriously I can hardly believe it) the dumb bastards were shut up.
Good. Fuck you and your hate. I don't know if there's a Jesus or a God but if either one of them is a hate machine they can eat seven dicks. Me, I come not to bring a sword, but to bring peace.
Life is amazing.