Voice In My Head
Title: Voice In My Head
Pairing(s): HanChul, past!SiChul
Genre(s): Romance, psychological, angst, warning!blood
Length: 3283 words
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They say that your greatest enemy is yourself.
Inspiration(s): Gollum’s monologue in The Lord of the Rings II: The Two Towers. Amazing stuff right there.
```
Look into your mind.
“Not listening. I’m not listening.”
What do you see? Do you see love? Do you see pain? Do you see hatred?
“Please be quiet. Please don’t say it. Please.”
Do you see his face in your mind?
“No, shut up!”
Do you see the blood on your hands?
“Shut up, shut up, shut up! I hate you! Just leave me alone!”
```
Heechul met Siwon in a coffee shop.
It did not take an idiot to see that Siwon was drop dead gorgeous. Even the blind would have been able to sense his perfection appearance-wise. With a defined jawline, a perfectly sculpted face, and buff body, he was the object of lust and adoration from all the girls and guys who came upon him. The fact that he was one of the richest men in all of Korea was a bonus.
Heechul fell for him almost immediately, and before long it was obvious that Siwon had taken a genuine interest in him. He sincerely loved the guy and always smiled when they went on dates. Heechul had loved the feel of Siwon’s rough hands upon his own smooth ones, and the way he would embrace him from behind just because. He loved the way all the other boys would look at him and sigh in envy at the sight of his boyfriend by his side. He loved the good night, sleep tight texts that Siwon sent him every night at exactly 11:30 pm. He loved everything about his relationship with Siwon.
And then Sungmin came into the picture.
Now, Sungmin was not as pretty nor as rich and privileged as Heechul. Sure, his skin was flawless and he was cute as hell, but in terms of gorgeousness Heechul won by a landslide. The young boy had cheeks that made everybody want to pinch them, a ridiculous pink fetish, and a generosity that spanned even farther than Heechul’s list detailing the Uses for Vaseline. And that fascinated Siwon.
Heechul’s boyfriend downplayed it, of course. There were excuses and plenty of them. Siwon kept telling the redhead that Sungmin was only a ‘really good friend’, and that they were no more than that. But as flamboyant as he was, Heechul wasn’t stupid. He saw how Siwon would discreetly check his phone for any of the pink-loving boy’s cutesy texts. He saw how Siwon would involuntarily steer their conversations towards Sungmin. He saw how his boyfriend’s eyes would soften whenever he saw something pink in a clothing store.
And he saw through Siwon’s explanations when he finally told Heechul that he was unable to continue a relationship in which he had no more passion. That night, Heechul returned home and cried until his eyes were sore.
Three weeks later, his life was ruined.
It’s all Sungmin’s fault. He was the one who came in between you and Siwon.
“I know, I know,” Heechul replied brokenly. “But I want what is best for Siwon.”
Siwon is better off with you! Siwon is a perfect gentleman, and only you match his perfection. Sungmin, well, Sungmin is flawed beyond recognition. If you want to protect Siwon, you have to get rid of the maggot who will corrupt him.
“No, Siwon is happy with him.”
But will he be several years from now? No! He will only be happy with you! Only you! He belongs with only you!
Heechul covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. “No, Siwon will hate me if I try to ruin this for him!”
Siwon will hate you now, but eventually he will understand that you were only helping him! Don’t you see? He will be so much happier without something as low as Sungmin dragging him down! Do you want him back or don’t you?
The redhead opened his eyes and his expression darkened. “Yes, I want him back.”
Then get rid of Sungmin. Only then will you save your relationship.
That night, Sungmin was rushed to the hospital with a knife buried in his stomach when a neighbor heard his screams from next door. Heechul was placed in a mental institution for attempted manslaughter.
```
“Sungmin is currently seeing your ex-boyfriend, correct?”
“Yes, but not for long.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Sungmin is not good enough for him, and eventually Siwon will realize it.”
“Is that what brought you to, um, physically harm Sungmin?”
“Yes. I wanted to help Siwon walk the right path. He belongs with me.”
“Heechul, no matter what, attempting murder is not a form of helping, no matter what your intentions.” Sound of scribbling onto a notepad. “Where did you get the idea that Siwon would be better off with you?”
“He’s the perfect man and he needs the perfect partner. He told me that himself.”
“Siwon told you that?”
“No. A voice told me. You probably won’t believe me, but it’s true.”
“You’re hearing voices, you say?”
“Not voices. One voice.”
“Is the voice saying anything now?”
A long pause. A creak of a chair.
The voice tells me that you are a fraud.
The actor pretending to be a psychiatrist left the room without another word.
```
Heechul curled up on his side, clenching his eyes shut, shivering as frightened tears ran down his face. “I hate this place. It’s too dark. Why did they lock me up? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”
They are all trying to keep you from Siwon. They are all corrupted in this corrupted society.
The redhead shook his head. “Not everybody is corrupted.”
Everyone is corrupted! Everybody but you and Siwon!
“But, what if it’s not them who are corrupted, but me?” Heechul’s heart beat faster at the revelation.
Don’t you doubt yourself! They are all tarnished beasts who want to taint you as well! Don’t let them do that! Get rid of all who stand in your way!
“No!” the prisoner curled into a tighter ball. “I can’t do that. They’ll just lock me up even longer.”
Not if they can’t find you. Don’t you want Siwon back or not?
“Yes, yes I do. I want him back!” Heechul nodded his head wildly. “I want him back more than anything!”
Then listen to me. Go to Siwon, and no matter what don’t ever let him leave you again!
So Heechul, despite the fact that every fiber in his very being was screaming against the idea, listened, and he snuck out in the middle of the night, a dark look in his eyes. And when Siwon insisted on going out for a walk to clear his mind (in other words, warn Sungmin), Heechul grabbed his ex-boyfriend by the cuff of his shirt and impulsively brought a nearby clothes hanger to his head several times, until Siwon lay unmoving in his living room, blood seeping from his temple.
His hands went limp and the clothes hanger tumbled to the ground, heavy and bloodstained. The dark expression in Heechul’s eyes vanished and he swayed on his feet, taking in a good look at his handiwork. “Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Siwon?” He gingerly knelt down and pressed his fingers under his love’s jawline, heart almost stopping when he felt next to no pulse. “No, no, no,” he repeated, breathing heavily-desperately. He brought his hands into view, falling backwards in shock and landing painfully on his elbows when he saw the viscous red fluid run down his arm. “Siwon. No, Siwon.”
He’s yours forever now.
“No! No, he’s gone!”
But he’s yours.
“No, no, he never should have been mine! Am I a-? I’d be a-?”
Murderer.
Heechul’s heart stopped. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop so badly. He wanted to erase all the guilt, all the fear, all the Voice’s taunts away. So he ran. He sprinted out of Siwon’s glamorously decorated living room and down the dimly lit streets, until he had no idea where he was with no intention to turning back. He tripped over the sidewalk curb and landed on all fours, cement digging into his palms as his breath came in short pained huffs.
You are a murderer.
“No, I can’t be! I would never kill in my life!”
You killed the person who you loved most in this world.
“It was an accident! I didn’t mean it! I would never mean it!”
Murderer! Murderer!
“Shut up! Shut up!”
He got up onto his feet and ignored the dirt on his bloodied fingers. Down he ran, tears pouring down his face as he tried in vain to wash away all of those sounds in his head, the darkness consuming him as the streetlights seemed to falter in their luster. Images of his dear Siwon’s bloody face flooded into his mind, and he screamed, bringing his hands up to squeeze against his ears. The word murderer resonated loud and clear in his eardrums, continuous and merciless. Heechul ran until his lungs were on the verge of exploding, until he felt as if he could walk one more step and cease breathing altogether. He collapsed onto his knees, a hand reaching out towards a tiled wall for relative stability. He tasted salty tears in his mouth and sniffed, bringing his knees to his chest. He clenched his teeth together at the sight of his dirty hands and started rubbing them together, the friction of his palms scraping away the dried blood. Heechul hoped in vain that it would scrape away his sin.
“I’m not a murderer. I’m not a murderer. I’m not a murderer…”
```
Heechul woke up with his head resting on a pillow that smelled faintly of cheap shampoo. He pried his eyes open and sat up quickly, heart rate speeding up as he surveyed his surroundings. Dusty, grimy, cobwebs. Wooden floor, mirrors. It was just like a-
“Ah, you’re awake.”
The redhead gasped audibly and scrambled onto his feet, wincing as the muscles in his neck cried out in dismay. “Who are you? Where am I?” He was breathing heavily as he examined the man in front of him. Needed a shower, but still handsome, no doubt. So handsome that if Heechul had been himself he would have tried putting on some moves. But he was anything but himself, and that definitely changed the way he viewed things.
“I’m Han Geng,” the man replied, the Chinese name making Heechul raise his eyebrow. “And I carried you inside several nights ago. You’ve been asleep for three days.”
“Three?”
“Yah,” Han Geng nodded, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “This may seem like a super overdue question, but, um, are you alright?”
Heechul thought about the question for a moment, mouth slightly open. “I don’t really know.”
The Chinese man shrugged. “Fair enough. I won’t force you to tell me anything. Just know that you are allowed to stay here as long as you want.”
“Where’s here?”
“An old dancing studio. Nobody ever comes here on a regular basis. Well, nobody except me.”
Heechul processed the information the best he could.
“Are you hungry?”
The redhead’s stomach grumbled as if on cue.
“Thought so. I hope you don’t mind fast food.”
And thus, a new life for Heechul began, away from the rich sector of town and into the heart of the homeless.
Heechul learned quickly enough that Han Geng was too nice to be on the streets like he was. He worked a ridiculous amount of odd jobs and fluttered around town mowing the neighbor’s lawns just because it was the nice neighborly thing to do. It disconcerted Heechul just how nice the guy was. He helped little old ladies cross the streets, pried two fighting children off of each other on the playgrounds, and even pitched in some of his muscle strength with the construction workers down the street for free. And dammit, he was so sincere with his kindness, too! Even after spending three weeks in the dump he called home, he still managed to go through everyday flitting around in an apron and a halo.
And unknowingly, deep in his subconscious mind, Heechul started to fall for him.
This love came slowly and surreptitiously, unlike with Siwon. It took many weeks before Heechul came to even trust the man let alone develop any sorts of feelings for him. It took months for Heechul to return the smiles and genuine gentleness directed his way. It took eons of courage for him to accept the fact that his heart beat faster whenever the other was around. It took every inch of Heechul’s soul to be able to kiss the man and reciprocate the love and devotion he offered. It took several years for Heechul to finally move on and find a reason to life again.
But then it only took an instant for it all to crash down right before his eyes.
```
“You know, I’ve known you for such a long time, and you still haven’t gotten tired of being Mr. Goody-Goody. Why do you do it?” Heechul asked his boyfriend over a plate of stale dumplings.
“Do what?” the Chinaman raised an eyebrow, mouth full in a way that the redhead always found adorable beyond all reason.
“Do all of this. Your saintly excursions. It’s almost creepy how philanthropic you are-you’re like the thin Chinese version of Santa Claus.”
“I just want to help people and do something with my life. It makes me feel almost good about myself.”
Heechul quickly blinked twice before his pupils dilated. Almost good about yourself?
Han Geng stopped chewing, the taste of raw pork numb in his mouth. “Yah.”
Saintly excursions, huh? Typical.
“What are you trying to say?”
Nothing.
Han Geng slowly put down his chopsticks, eyes never leaving the redhead’s face. “Heechul, is there something you want to tell me?”
Heechul cannot answer right now.
“Say that again?”
He’s busy recuperating with guilt, being the weakling that he is.
“What?” The Chinaman knitted his eyebrows together. “Heechul, you’re scaring me.”
I’ll tell you one last time: Heechul’s not here.
“Look, this isn’t funny anymore. Stop it.”
None of what I said was meant to be funny. I am the part of Heechul that he wants to forget.
Han Geng’s blood ran cold and he stood up abruptly, chair tumbling to the ground in a brief but dry crash. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”
Every word. Heechul-or not Heechul-gave the shivering Chinese man an apprehensive sidelong glance. So, are you going to try saving Heechul’s poor soul? Just like you saved that kitten from the tree branch?
“I’ll do my best,” Han Geng replied after a moment’s hesitation.
Well, don’t bother. He’s beyond saving.
“Nobody’s beyond saving. Let me talk to him.”
As you wish.
Han Geng watched as the eerie calmness of his lover’s face melted into one of slight confusion. Light brown eyes looked towards him and he cringed at how wounded they looked. “You alright there, Heechul?”
“Yah, I’m fine. Think I just spaced out for a moment”
The Chinese man pursed his lips, carefully choosing his next words. “Heechul, I love you.”
“Thanks, I love you too?”
“And I think it’s time for you to start talking to me.”
“About what?”
“About the events before I found you.”
“There’s nothing much to say,” Heechul answered a little bit too quickly.
“You can trust me, Heechul. I just want to know.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Heechul-”
“Your dumplings are great!”
“Heechul, please-”
“I don’t want to talk about it!”
“I’m just trying to help.”
Suddenly Heechul gave out the most blood-curdling scream that Han Geng had ever heard in his life. “Shut up!” he screeched, clamping his hands over his ears and shaking his head around violently as if possessed. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”
Han Geng was on his knees in an instant, his hands clasped onto his boyfriend’s thin shoulders, shaking back and forth. “Heechul. Heechul, snap out of it!”
Murderer!
“No, I’m not a murderer!”
Weakling!
“Shut up! Go away! I can’t stand it any longer!”
You killed Siwon!
“It was an accident! A terrible accident!”
Not an accident! Kim Heechul does not do accidents!
“No! Shut up! Leave me alone!”
The frail man’s face constantly wavered between dark and desperate, evil and vulnerable, haunting and haunted. Heechul thrashed and slashed, nails clawing painfully into his lover’s cheek as he screamed for help and salvation. And Han Geng could only back off and watch in horror as the man he loved more than life tore himself apart until it was clear that despite everything he had tried to do, Heechul was too far away to be helped.
```
“How did it happen?”
“My boyfriend-ex-boyfriend-left me for someone else. I was so stupid and arrogant to believe that Sungmin was a thief and that Siwon belonged to me. That I owned him somehow. I had a massive ego back then.”
“You still do.”
“Bastard.”
“What’s it like? To hear that, that, Voice in your head?”
“It’s just like having you talk to me. Except there’s no physical source. I never know if I’m talking, or if something in my head is talking.”
The two sat together in silence for a while before Han Geng broke into a soft smile. “I always knew you were batshit insane.”
Heechul laughed brokenly.
“I still love you, you know. I knew that I cared about you the moment I saw you curled up in front of the studio. Despite your past and your, um, psychological issues, I still want to be with you. Because I know that behind the Voice, you’re still you. I’m here to help you fight it. Just wanted you to know that.”
Heechul closed his eyes and rested his head onto his love’s shoulder, trying not to think of the red scratches on his boyfriend’s face. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed, pain etched into the very depths of his soul.
“What do you want to do?”
Heechul swallowed bile. “I want to get rid of this thing. And then I will turn myself in. And then when-if-I get out, I will do something good in my life for once. To feel almost good again.”
```
Han Geng loves you.
“Yes, he does.”
He is a fool.
“Yes, he is.”
Only a fool would love a person with the capacity to kill.
“I won’t kill him. I can’t kill him. I love him.”
Yes, you can. You killed Siwon.
Heechul’s eyes started to sting as the memory of his bloody hands resurfaced. The blood-stained rug, the empty look in Siwon’s eyes, the disappearance of his pulse. Han Geng’s smarted cheek. “Yes. Yes, I did. I killed him.”
You are a murderer.
“I hate you. Go away.”
Ha! If I went away, who would protect you from all the pain? I am the reason why you survived guilt. Without me, you would have already thrown yourself off a cliff.
“I wish I did. I wish I died that day.” Heechul clenched his hands into fists. “But not anymore. I don’t need you anymore.”
Idiot! You think that China boy will protect you? He’s nothing but a fraud-an empty shell!
“No, Han Geng will not protect me,” the skinny man shook his head, resolute and firm. “I have to protect myself. I have to stand on my own. Without you. So leave.”
What?
“Leave and never come back.”
What?!
“You heard me!” Heechul screamed. “Leave and never come back!”
The past is painful. What has been done is done. Killing Siwon was the last thing Heechul had wanted to do, and he did not want to make the same mistake with Han Geng. And now, he never will.
The room was silent, and Heechul let out the long awaited breath of freedom.
Pairing(s): HanChul, past!SiChul
Genre(s): Romance, psychological, angst, warning!blood
Length: 3283 words
Rating: PG-13
Summary: They say that your greatest enemy is yourself.
Inspiration(s): Gollum’s monologue in The Lord of the Rings II: The Two Towers. Amazing stuff right there.
```
Look into your mind.
“Not listening. I’m not listening.”
What do you see? Do you see love? Do you see pain? Do you see hatred?
“Please be quiet. Please don’t say it. Please.”
Do you see his face in your mind?
“No, shut up!”
Do you see the blood on your hands?
“Shut up, shut up, shut up! I hate you! Just leave me alone!”
```
Heechul met Siwon in a coffee shop.
It did not take an idiot to see that Siwon was drop dead gorgeous. Even the blind would have been able to sense his perfection appearance-wise. With a defined jawline, a perfectly sculpted face, and buff body, he was the object of lust and adoration from all the girls and guys who came upon him. The fact that he was one of the richest men in all of Korea was a bonus.
Heechul fell for him almost immediately, and before long it was obvious that Siwon had taken a genuine interest in him. He sincerely loved the guy and always smiled when they went on dates. Heechul had loved the feel of Siwon’s rough hands upon his own smooth ones, and the way he would embrace him from behind just because. He loved the way all the other boys would look at him and sigh in envy at the sight of his boyfriend by his side. He loved the good night, sleep tight texts that Siwon sent him every night at exactly 11:30 pm. He loved everything about his relationship with Siwon.
And then Sungmin came into the picture.
Now, Sungmin was not as pretty nor as rich and privileged as Heechul. Sure, his skin was flawless and he was cute as hell, but in terms of gorgeousness Heechul won by a landslide. The young boy had cheeks that made everybody want to pinch them, a ridiculous pink fetish, and a generosity that spanned even farther than Heechul’s list detailing the Uses for Vaseline. And that fascinated Siwon.
Heechul’s boyfriend downplayed it, of course. There were excuses and plenty of them. Siwon kept telling the redhead that Sungmin was only a ‘really good friend’, and that they were no more than that. But as flamboyant as he was, Heechul wasn’t stupid. He saw how Siwon would discreetly check his phone for any of the pink-loving boy’s cutesy texts. He saw how Siwon would involuntarily steer their conversations towards Sungmin. He saw how his boyfriend’s eyes would soften whenever he saw something pink in a clothing store.
And he saw through Siwon’s explanations when he finally told Heechul that he was unable to continue a relationship in which he had no more passion. That night, Heechul returned home and cried until his eyes were sore.
Three weeks later, his life was ruined.
It’s all Sungmin’s fault. He was the one who came in between you and Siwon.
“I know, I know,” Heechul replied brokenly. “But I want what is best for Siwon.”
Siwon is better off with you! Siwon is a perfect gentleman, and only you match his perfection. Sungmin, well, Sungmin is flawed beyond recognition. If you want to protect Siwon, you have to get rid of the maggot who will corrupt him.
“No, Siwon is happy with him.”
But will he be several years from now? No! He will only be happy with you! Only you! He belongs with only you!
Heechul covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut. “No, Siwon will hate me if I try to ruin this for him!”
Siwon will hate you now, but eventually he will understand that you were only helping him! Don’t you see? He will be so much happier without something as low as Sungmin dragging him down! Do you want him back or don’t you?
The redhead opened his eyes and his expression darkened. “Yes, I want him back.”
Then get rid of Sungmin. Only then will you save your relationship.
That night, Sungmin was rushed to the hospital with a knife buried in his stomach when a neighbor heard his screams from next door. Heechul was placed in a mental institution for attempted manslaughter.
```
“Sungmin is currently seeing your ex-boyfriend, correct?”
“Yes, but not for long.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Sungmin is not good enough for him, and eventually Siwon will realize it.”
“Is that what brought you to, um, physically harm Sungmin?”
“Yes. I wanted to help Siwon walk the right path. He belongs with me.”
“Heechul, no matter what, attempting murder is not a form of helping, no matter what your intentions.” Sound of scribbling onto a notepad. “Where did you get the idea that Siwon would be better off with you?”
“He’s the perfect man and he needs the perfect partner. He told me that himself.”
“Siwon told you that?”
“No. A voice told me. You probably won’t believe me, but it’s true.”
“You’re hearing voices, you say?”
“Not voices. One voice.”
“Is the voice saying anything now?”
A long pause. A creak of a chair.
The voice tells me that you are a fraud.
The actor pretending to be a psychiatrist left the room without another word.
```
Heechul curled up on his side, clenching his eyes shut, shivering as frightened tears ran down his face. “I hate this place. It’s too dark. Why did they lock me up? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?”
They are all trying to keep you from Siwon. They are all corrupted in this corrupted society.
The redhead shook his head. “Not everybody is corrupted.”
Everyone is corrupted! Everybody but you and Siwon!
“But, what if it’s not them who are corrupted, but me?” Heechul’s heart beat faster at the revelation.
Don’t you doubt yourself! They are all tarnished beasts who want to taint you as well! Don’t let them do that! Get rid of all who stand in your way!
“No!” the prisoner curled into a tighter ball. “I can’t do that. They’ll just lock me up even longer.”
Not if they can’t find you. Don’t you want Siwon back or not?
“Yes, yes I do. I want him back!” Heechul nodded his head wildly. “I want him back more than anything!”
Then listen to me. Go to Siwon, and no matter what don’t ever let him leave you again!
So Heechul, despite the fact that every fiber in his very being was screaming against the idea, listened, and he snuck out in the middle of the night, a dark look in his eyes. And when Siwon insisted on going out for a walk to clear his mind (in other words, warn Sungmin), Heechul grabbed his ex-boyfriend by the cuff of his shirt and impulsively brought a nearby clothes hanger to his head several times, until Siwon lay unmoving in his living room, blood seeping from his temple.
His hands went limp and the clothes hanger tumbled to the ground, heavy and bloodstained. The dark expression in Heechul’s eyes vanished and he swayed on his feet, taking in a good look at his handiwork. “Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Siwon?” He gingerly knelt down and pressed his fingers under his love’s jawline, heart almost stopping when he felt next to no pulse. “No, no, no,” he repeated, breathing heavily-desperately. He brought his hands into view, falling backwards in shock and landing painfully on his elbows when he saw the viscous red fluid run down his arm. “Siwon. No, Siwon.”
He’s yours forever now.
“No! No, he’s gone!”
But he’s yours.
“No, no, he never should have been mine! Am I a-? I’d be a-?”
Murderer.
Heechul’s heart stopped. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop so badly. He wanted to erase all the guilt, all the fear, all the Voice’s taunts away. So he ran. He sprinted out of Siwon’s glamorously decorated living room and down the dimly lit streets, until he had no idea where he was with no intention to turning back. He tripped over the sidewalk curb and landed on all fours, cement digging into his palms as his breath came in short pained huffs.
You are a murderer.
“No, I can’t be! I would never kill in my life!”
You killed the person who you loved most in this world.
“It was an accident! I didn’t mean it! I would never mean it!”
Murderer! Murderer!
“Shut up! Shut up!”
He got up onto his feet and ignored the dirt on his bloodied fingers. Down he ran, tears pouring down his face as he tried in vain to wash away all of those sounds in his head, the darkness consuming him as the streetlights seemed to falter in their luster. Images of his dear Siwon’s bloody face flooded into his mind, and he screamed, bringing his hands up to squeeze against his ears. The word murderer resonated loud and clear in his eardrums, continuous and merciless. Heechul ran until his lungs were on the verge of exploding, until he felt as if he could walk one more step and cease breathing altogether. He collapsed onto his knees, a hand reaching out towards a tiled wall for relative stability. He tasted salty tears in his mouth and sniffed, bringing his knees to his chest. He clenched his teeth together at the sight of his dirty hands and started rubbing them together, the friction of his palms scraping away the dried blood. Heechul hoped in vain that it would scrape away his sin.
“I’m not a murderer. I’m not a murderer. I’m not a murderer…”
```
Heechul woke up with his head resting on a pillow that smelled faintly of cheap shampoo. He pried his eyes open and sat up quickly, heart rate speeding up as he surveyed his surroundings. Dusty, grimy, cobwebs. Wooden floor, mirrors. It was just like a-
“Ah, you’re awake.”
The redhead gasped audibly and scrambled onto his feet, wincing as the muscles in his neck cried out in dismay. “Who are you? Where am I?” He was breathing heavily as he examined the man in front of him. Needed a shower, but still handsome, no doubt. So handsome that if Heechul had been himself he would have tried putting on some moves. But he was anything but himself, and that definitely changed the way he viewed things.
“I’m Han Geng,” the man replied, the Chinese name making Heechul raise his eyebrow. “And I carried you inside several nights ago. You’ve been asleep for three days.”
“Three?”
“Yah,” Han Geng nodded, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “This may seem like a super overdue question, but, um, are you alright?”
Heechul thought about the question for a moment, mouth slightly open. “I don’t really know.”
The Chinese man shrugged. “Fair enough. I won’t force you to tell me anything. Just know that you are allowed to stay here as long as you want.”
“Where’s here?”
“An old dancing studio. Nobody ever comes here on a regular basis. Well, nobody except me.”
Heechul processed the information the best he could.
“Are you hungry?”
The redhead’s stomach grumbled as if on cue.
“Thought so. I hope you don’t mind fast food.”
And thus, a new life for Heechul began, away from the rich sector of town and into the heart of the homeless.
Heechul learned quickly enough that Han Geng was too nice to be on the streets like he was. He worked a ridiculous amount of odd jobs and fluttered around town mowing the neighbor’s lawns just because it was the nice neighborly thing to do. It disconcerted Heechul just how nice the guy was. He helped little old ladies cross the streets, pried two fighting children off of each other on the playgrounds, and even pitched in some of his muscle strength with the construction workers down the street for free. And dammit, he was so sincere with his kindness, too! Even after spending three weeks in the dump he called home, he still managed to go through everyday flitting around in an apron and a halo.
And unknowingly, deep in his subconscious mind, Heechul started to fall for him.
This love came slowly and surreptitiously, unlike with Siwon. It took many weeks before Heechul came to even trust the man let alone develop any sorts of feelings for him. It took months for Heechul to return the smiles and genuine gentleness directed his way. It took eons of courage for him to accept the fact that his heart beat faster whenever the other was around. It took every inch of Heechul’s soul to be able to kiss the man and reciprocate the love and devotion he offered. It took several years for Heechul to finally move on and find a reason to life again.
But then it only took an instant for it all to crash down right before his eyes.
```
“You know, I’ve known you for such a long time, and you still haven’t gotten tired of being Mr. Goody-Goody. Why do you do it?” Heechul asked his boyfriend over a plate of stale dumplings.
“Do what?” the Chinaman raised an eyebrow, mouth full in a way that the redhead always found adorable beyond all reason.
“Do all of this. Your saintly excursions. It’s almost creepy how philanthropic you are-you’re like the thin Chinese version of Santa Claus.”
“I just want to help people and do something with my life. It makes me feel almost good about myself.”
Heechul quickly blinked twice before his pupils dilated. Almost good about yourself?
Han Geng stopped chewing, the taste of raw pork numb in his mouth. “Yah.”
Saintly excursions, huh? Typical.
“What are you trying to say?”
Nothing.
Han Geng slowly put down his chopsticks, eyes never leaving the redhead’s face. “Heechul, is there something you want to tell me?”
Heechul cannot answer right now.
“Say that again?”
He’s busy recuperating with guilt, being the weakling that he is.
“What?” The Chinaman knitted his eyebrows together. “Heechul, you’re scaring me.”
I’ll tell you one last time: Heechul’s not here.
“Look, this isn’t funny anymore. Stop it.”
None of what I said was meant to be funny. I am the part of Heechul that he wants to forget.
Han Geng’s blood ran cold and he stood up abruptly, chair tumbling to the ground in a brief but dry crash. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”
Every word. Heechul-or not Heechul-gave the shivering Chinese man an apprehensive sidelong glance. So, are you going to try saving Heechul’s poor soul? Just like you saved that kitten from the tree branch?
“I’ll do my best,” Han Geng replied after a moment’s hesitation.
Well, don’t bother. He’s beyond saving.
“Nobody’s beyond saving. Let me talk to him.”
As you wish.
Han Geng watched as the eerie calmness of his lover’s face melted into one of slight confusion. Light brown eyes looked towards him and he cringed at how wounded they looked. “You alright there, Heechul?”
“Yah, I’m fine. Think I just spaced out for a moment”
The Chinese man pursed his lips, carefully choosing his next words. “Heechul, I love you.”
“Thanks, I love you too?”
“And I think it’s time for you to start talking to me.”
“About what?”
“About the events before I found you.”
“There’s nothing much to say,” Heechul answered a little bit too quickly.
“You can trust me, Heechul. I just want to know.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Heechul-”
“Your dumplings are great!”
“Heechul, please-”
“I don’t want to talk about it!”
“I’m just trying to help.”
Suddenly Heechul gave out the most blood-curdling scream that Han Geng had ever heard in his life. “Shut up!” he screeched, clamping his hands over his ears and shaking his head around violently as if possessed. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”
Han Geng was on his knees in an instant, his hands clasped onto his boyfriend’s thin shoulders, shaking back and forth. “Heechul. Heechul, snap out of it!”
Murderer!
“No, I’m not a murderer!”
Weakling!
“Shut up! Go away! I can’t stand it any longer!”
You killed Siwon!
“It was an accident! A terrible accident!”
Not an accident! Kim Heechul does not do accidents!
“No! Shut up! Leave me alone!”
The frail man’s face constantly wavered between dark and desperate, evil and vulnerable, haunting and haunted. Heechul thrashed and slashed, nails clawing painfully into his lover’s cheek as he screamed for help and salvation. And Han Geng could only back off and watch in horror as the man he loved more than life tore himself apart until it was clear that despite everything he had tried to do, Heechul was too far away to be helped.
```
“How did it happen?”
“My boyfriend-ex-boyfriend-left me for someone else. I was so stupid and arrogant to believe that Sungmin was a thief and that Siwon belonged to me. That I owned him somehow. I had a massive ego back then.”
“You still do.”
“Bastard.”
“What’s it like? To hear that, that, Voice in your head?”
“It’s just like having you talk to me. Except there’s no physical source. I never know if I’m talking, or if something in my head is talking.”
The two sat together in silence for a while before Han Geng broke into a soft smile. “I always knew you were batshit insane.”
Heechul laughed brokenly.
“I still love you, you know. I knew that I cared about you the moment I saw you curled up in front of the studio. Despite your past and your, um, psychological issues, I still want to be with you. Because I know that behind the Voice, you’re still you. I’m here to help you fight it. Just wanted you to know that.”
Heechul closed his eyes and rested his head onto his love’s shoulder, trying not to think of the red scratches on his boyfriend’s face. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed, pain etched into the very depths of his soul.
“What do you want to do?”
Heechul swallowed bile. “I want to get rid of this thing. And then I will turn myself in. And then when-if-I get out, I will do something good in my life for once. To feel almost good again.”
```
Han Geng loves you.
“Yes, he does.”
He is a fool.
“Yes, he is.”
Only a fool would love a person with the capacity to kill.
“I won’t kill him. I can’t kill him. I love him.”
Yes, you can. You killed Siwon.
Heechul’s eyes started to sting as the memory of his bloody hands resurfaced. The blood-stained rug, the empty look in Siwon’s eyes, the disappearance of his pulse. Han Geng’s smarted cheek. “Yes. Yes, I did. I killed him.”
You are a murderer.
“I hate you. Go away.”
Ha! If I went away, who would protect you from all the pain? I am the reason why you survived guilt. Without me, you would have already thrown yourself off a cliff.
“I wish I did. I wish I died that day.” Heechul clenched his hands into fists. “But not anymore. I don’t need you anymore.”
Idiot! You think that China boy will protect you? He’s nothing but a fraud-an empty shell!
“No, Han Geng will not protect me,” the skinny man shook his head, resolute and firm. “I have to protect myself. I have to stand on my own. Without you. So leave.”
What?
“Leave and never come back.”
What?!
“You heard me!” Heechul screamed. “Leave and never come back!”
The past is painful. What has been done is done. Killing Siwon was the last thing Heechul had wanted to do, and he did not want to make the same mistake with Han Geng. And now, he never will.
The room was silent, and Heechul let out the long awaited breath of freedom.