(no subject)
Cristafuh punches Lauren Bacall!
Sir Ben Kingsley insists the Mob refer to him as "Sir Ben"!
Arnie is still an idiot!
An unimportant subplot: the Italians come in from Naples to whack Rusty. So that is taken care of. On their plane ride home, the two uomini show off the gifts they purchased for their mothers, to each other.
O.K., so Tony throws a banquet in honor of the new family members (two guys I don't know) and welcomes the new blood. The banquet is at Vesuvio's and all the guys are complaining how Artie is losing his touch and Vesuvio isn't what it used to be. "We have to wait 45 minutes for eggplant?!" they moan. They also discuss some new restaurant called Da Giovanni's, which just opened, and the food is rumored to be top notch.
After the banquet, Cristafuh asks Tony if he can go to L.A. with Little Carmine to pitch the script of their lame movie to Ben Kingsley. Tony isn't keen on his going, but he finally agrees once Cristafuh starts whining and being totally passive aggressive.
So business continues to decline at Vesuvio's -- except for Benny who is there every night making goo-goo eyes at the new hostess, named Martina. Charmagne and Artie are helping her with her green card, but when Artie sees Benny and Martina canoodling, he gets jealous and tells her he can't help her anymore….
Later that night, Charmagne and Artie discuss how poorly business has been. She tells him that maybe, just maybe he should stop visiting every table and making dumb chit-chat with everyone. "People just want to eat and be left alone", she says. Artie gets all defensive and says the guy from Zagat's who reviewed Vesuvio would beg to differ, since he called him a warm host or something like that. Charmagne stares at him and wonders why she went back with him…
At DaGiovanni's, Phil Leotardo throws his grandson's confirmation, and the entire NY and NJ gang is there. Everyone is drooling over the food. Carmela says the gnocchi is "to die for" and that the sauce is a lamb ragu or something. Tony tries it and says he feels like "a traitor." Sure, he can almost kill his mother without blinking an eye -- but eating some gnocchi is making him feel bad.
After the confirmation, Tony heads out to the Bing and sees pathetic Arnie sitting there nursing a drink. Tony realizes Vesuvio is hurting and he says, "Maybe you should offer some coupons of two-for-ones?" Arnie says he'd rather shut the place down than to turn it into a freakin' IHOP. Tony walks away.
Back in La-la-land, Cristafuh and Little Carmine arrive at the hotel and get ready for their meeting with Ben Kingsley. Little Carmine gets ready by taking a nap or something, Cristafuh gets ready by snorting coke off a hooker's boob. He falls off the wagon big time.
The next day, they meet with Ben Kingsley outside the hotel pool and Ben Kingsley has a "Why am I here?" look on his face.
They pitch the movie, it's like "Saw meets The Godfather" *sigh* and then Cristafuh adds, "We got a great writer! He wrote Hooperman, Law and Order SUV and a bunch of other stuff." They try to convince Mr. Kingsleys ("Call me Sir Ben!") he tells them, that he would be perfect as the mob boss, when all of a sudden Lauren Bacall walks by and he jumps up to greet her. "BETTY!" he says. *smooch* They are discussing some upcoming award shows they are doing and all the free gifts they are getting for it. Apparently, her gift bag is worth $30K or something. She walks away and then Ben -- excuse me, Sir Ben -- suddenly remembers he's supposed to be visiting the Luxury Lounge. Cristafuh and Little Carmine ask if they can walk with him.
While at the lounge, Sir Ben is offered and given top line products for participating in the awards show. Cristafuh is completely shocked at all the free merchandise celebrities get. He tells Sir Ben, "They give all this free stuff, to people who can afford it?!" Sir Ben suddenly feel embarrassed and says he usually gives the stuff away to charity. Cristafuh calls him on it and says, "You said you were giving that watch to your nephew!" Sir Ben gives Cristafuh a pair of sunglasses to shut him up. He tells Cristafuh and Little Carmine that he's pressed for time and they'll have to finish the meeting in New York.
Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, things are still not going well for Arnie. He walks out to his garden early morning, and sees a rabbit eating his tomatoes. He goes back inside and comes out with a rifle and SHOOTS the poor thing in the head. Charmagne yells at him and again, wonders why she got back with him.
Back at Vesuvio, Artie's day goes from bad to worse. A couple of suits from AMEX show up at tell Artie Vesuvio is under credit card fraud investigation. Arnie is shocked and pissed and Vesuvio is no longer allowed to accept American Express. He holds an all-staff meeting and yells at everyone. After the meeting, a Vesuvio employee tells Artie that Martina has been sporting some very expensive sandals that she knows Martina can't afford. Artie confronts Martina, who starts crying, and spills the beans. She says Benny made her take the numbers and she's sorry, but after the refused to help her with her green card, she got angry. She then yells at Arnie, "I'll never fuck you! When I am in bed with Benny, we laugh at you!" Arnie fires her. No duh…
He then shows up at Benny's in the middle of the night and Benny tells him, he was going to give him a cut and to get over it. But Arnie isn't getting over it, and lunges towards Benny. Here is the part of the show where I expect Arnie to get the crap kicked out of him again, only not so. Arnie beats the snot out of Benny, leaves him bleeding and semi-conscious on the floor. Spits on him and walks away.
Back in L.A., Chris is all coked out and calls Sir Ben on the phone and says, "Hey, can you get me into that Luxury Lounge?" Sir Ben says he'd have to talk to his publicist, but it seems unlikely. Chris calls him "Ben!" and hangs up -- (he doesn't really, but I sure he thought it) Chris isn't doing so swell, so he calls Murmur (his A.A. sponsor) who arrives in time help him out of his funk. Around that time, Little Carmine also informs him that Sir Ben passed on the script. Too bad.
New Jersey - Tony has Arnie his boat, with the wives, for an afternoon sail. He then tells Arnie that Benny is pissed and is threatening to kill him Arnie says Benny started it. Benny said Arnie is a dead man walking. Tony says he will take care of things. He talks to Benny and says no one is killing Arnie, he should know better than to "shit where you eat", and furthermore, he will have his parents' anniversary part at Vesuvio's. Benny is upset, but agrees.
At the anniversary party, Arnie goes to Benny's table and asks if everything is O.K. He then offers Benny, in front of his wife, if he's like a Martina. "What?!", asks Benny. "A Martina, it's a new drink. Apparently, they go down real easy!" Ho! Ho! Arnie, you card. Benny just sits there and smiles uncomfortably as his pregnant wife says, "I've never heard of that drink."
Back in the kitchen, Arnie is stirring some sauce and Benny walks in and forces Arnie's hand into the huge pot of boiling sauce. Arnie screams and crumples to the ground.
Fast forward a day or so, Tony goes to visit Arnie at Vesuvio -- who has his hand wrapped in white bandages, up to his elbow -- and asks how he's doing? Arnie says that thanks to the AMEX thing, business is really hurting and now he has to resort to two-for-one coupons. Tony says, "I know the name of a good therapist, if you ever feel like talking." Arnie balks and huffs and says, "No." Then Tony says, "Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you've go to stay in the kitchen. No one wants to hear your dumb stories or have you visiting them at the table. Stay in the kitchen. That's a good start!" Arnie just blinks. Dumbass….
L.A. -- Lauren Bacall is walking to her limo after an awards show, carrying a gigantic gift basket. A masked man, dressed in black, runs up to her and tries to grab her basket. She grips it tightly and says, "Fuck you!" The guy punches her in the face and makes off with the basket. Security guards run up to Lauren Bacall, who is on the floor, clutching her face and yelling, "You fucking punk!" We catch of glimpse of the masked man's crazy hairy monobrow as he runs away. Cristafuh, you scamp!
Lastly, Artie is at Vesuvio's getting ready to close when Charmagne comes in and says, "One more party was just seated." "I just closed the kitchen!", Artie yells. Charmagne tells him they've already opened a bottle of wine. "They'll eat what I make them!" He takes out of the fridge the rabbit he shot, a notebook filled with his grandfather's recipes and begins to cook the rabbit.
The end!
Sir Ben Kingsley insists the Mob refer to him as "Sir Ben"!
Arnie is still an idiot!
An unimportant subplot: the Italians come in from Naples to whack Rusty. So that is taken care of. On their plane ride home, the two uomini show off the gifts they purchased for their mothers, to each other.
O.K., so Tony throws a banquet in honor of the new family members (two guys I don't know) and welcomes the new blood. The banquet is at Vesuvio's and all the guys are complaining how Artie is losing his touch and Vesuvio isn't what it used to be. "We have to wait 45 minutes for eggplant?!" they moan. They also discuss some new restaurant called Da Giovanni's, which just opened, and the food is rumored to be top notch.
After the banquet, Cristafuh asks Tony if he can go to L.A. with Little Carmine to pitch the script of their lame movie to Ben Kingsley. Tony isn't keen on his going, but he finally agrees once Cristafuh starts whining and being totally passive aggressive.
So business continues to decline at Vesuvio's -- except for Benny who is there every night making goo-goo eyes at the new hostess, named Martina. Charmagne and Artie are helping her with her green card, but when Artie sees Benny and Martina canoodling, he gets jealous and tells her he can't help her anymore….
Later that night, Charmagne and Artie discuss how poorly business has been. She tells him that maybe, just maybe he should stop visiting every table and making dumb chit-chat with everyone. "People just want to eat and be left alone", she says. Artie gets all defensive and says the guy from Zagat's who reviewed Vesuvio would beg to differ, since he called him a warm host or something like that. Charmagne stares at him and wonders why she went back with him…
At DaGiovanni's, Phil Leotardo throws his grandson's confirmation, and the entire NY and NJ gang is there. Everyone is drooling over the food. Carmela says the gnocchi is "to die for" and that the sauce is a lamb ragu or something. Tony tries it and says he feels like "a traitor." Sure, he can almost kill his mother without blinking an eye -- but eating some gnocchi is making him feel bad.
After the confirmation, Tony heads out to the Bing and sees pathetic Arnie sitting there nursing a drink. Tony realizes Vesuvio is hurting and he says, "Maybe you should offer some coupons of two-for-ones?" Arnie says he'd rather shut the place down than to turn it into a freakin' IHOP. Tony walks away.
Back in La-la-land, Cristafuh and Little Carmine arrive at the hotel and get ready for their meeting with Ben Kingsley. Little Carmine gets ready by taking a nap or something, Cristafuh gets ready by snorting coke off a hooker's boob. He falls off the wagon big time.
The next day, they meet with Ben Kingsley outside the hotel pool and Ben Kingsley has a "Why am I here?" look on his face.
They pitch the movie, it's like "Saw meets The Godfather" *sigh* and then Cristafuh adds, "We got a great writer! He wrote Hooperman, Law and Order SUV and a bunch of other stuff." They try to convince Mr. Kingsleys ("Call me Sir Ben!") he tells them, that he would be perfect as the mob boss, when all of a sudden Lauren Bacall walks by and he jumps up to greet her. "BETTY!" he says. *smooch* They are discussing some upcoming award shows they are doing and all the free gifts they are getting for it. Apparently, her gift bag is worth $30K or something. She walks away and then Ben -- excuse me, Sir Ben -- suddenly remembers he's supposed to be visiting the Luxury Lounge. Cristafuh and Little Carmine ask if they can walk with him.
While at the lounge, Sir Ben is offered and given top line products for participating in the awards show. Cristafuh is completely shocked at all the free merchandise celebrities get. He tells Sir Ben, "They give all this free stuff, to people who can afford it?!" Sir Ben suddenly feel embarrassed and says he usually gives the stuff away to charity. Cristafuh calls him on it and says, "You said you were giving that watch to your nephew!" Sir Ben gives Cristafuh a pair of sunglasses to shut him up. He tells Cristafuh and Little Carmine that he's pressed for time and they'll have to finish the meeting in New York.
Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, things are still not going well for Arnie. He walks out to his garden early morning, and sees a rabbit eating his tomatoes. He goes back inside and comes out with a rifle and SHOOTS the poor thing in the head. Charmagne yells at him and again, wonders why she got back with him.
Back at Vesuvio, Artie's day goes from bad to worse. A couple of suits from AMEX show up at tell Artie Vesuvio is under credit card fraud investigation. Arnie is shocked and pissed and Vesuvio is no longer allowed to accept American Express. He holds an all-staff meeting and yells at everyone. After the meeting, a Vesuvio employee tells Artie that Martina has been sporting some very expensive sandals that she knows Martina can't afford. Artie confronts Martina, who starts crying, and spills the beans. She says Benny made her take the numbers and she's sorry, but after the refused to help her with her green card, she got angry. She then yells at Arnie, "I'll never fuck you! When I am in bed with Benny, we laugh at you!" Arnie fires her. No duh…
He then shows up at Benny's in the middle of the night and Benny tells him, he was going to give him a cut and to get over it. But Arnie isn't getting over it, and lunges towards Benny. Here is the part of the show where I expect Arnie to get the crap kicked out of him again, only not so. Arnie beats the snot out of Benny, leaves him bleeding and semi-conscious on the floor. Spits on him and walks away.
Back in L.A., Chris is all coked out and calls Sir Ben on the phone and says, "Hey, can you get me into that Luxury Lounge?" Sir Ben says he'd have to talk to his publicist, but it seems unlikely. Chris calls him "Ben!" and hangs up -- (he doesn't really, but I sure he thought it) Chris isn't doing so swell, so he calls Murmur (his A.A. sponsor) who arrives in time help him out of his funk. Around that time, Little Carmine also informs him that Sir Ben passed on the script. Too bad.
New Jersey - Tony has Arnie his boat, with the wives, for an afternoon sail. He then tells Arnie that Benny is pissed and is threatening to kill him Arnie says Benny started it. Benny said Arnie is a dead man walking. Tony says he will take care of things. He talks to Benny and says no one is killing Arnie, he should know better than to "shit where you eat", and furthermore, he will have his parents' anniversary part at Vesuvio's. Benny is upset, but agrees.
At the anniversary party, Arnie goes to Benny's table and asks if everything is O.K. He then offers Benny, in front of his wife, if he's like a Martina. "What?!", asks Benny. "A Martina, it's a new drink. Apparently, they go down real easy!" Ho! Ho! Arnie, you card. Benny just sits there and smiles uncomfortably as his pregnant wife says, "I've never heard of that drink."
Back in the kitchen, Arnie is stirring some sauce and Benny walks in and forces Arnie's hand into the huge pot of boiling sauce. Arnie screams and crumples to the ground.
Fast forward a day or so, Tony goes to visit Arnie at Vesuvio -- who has his hand wrapped in white bandages, up to his elbow -- and asks how he's doing? Arnie says that thanks to the AMEX thing, business is really hurting and now he has to resort to two-for-one coupons. Tony says, "I know the name of a good therapist, if you ever feel like talking." Arnie balks and huffs and says, "No." Then Tony says, "Look, I didn't want to say anything, but you've go to stay in the kitchen. No one wants to hear your dumb stories or have you visiting them at the table. Stay in the kitchen. That's a good start!" Arnie just blinks. Dumbass….
L.A. -- Lauren Bacall is walking to her limo after an awards show, carrying a gigantic gift basket. A masked man, dressed in black, runs up to her and tries to grab her basket. She grips it tightly and says, "Fuck you!" The guy punches her in the face and makes off with the basket. Security guards run up to Lauren Bacall, who is on the floor, clutching her face and yelling, "You fucking punk!" We catch of glimpse of the masked man's crazy hairy monobrow as he runs away. Cristafuh, you scamp!
Lastly, Artie is at Vesuvio's getting ready to close when Charmagne comes in and says, "One more party was just seated." "I just closed the kitchen!", Artie yells. Charmagne tells him they've already opened a bottle of wine. "They'll eat what I make them!" He takes out of the fridge the rabbit he shot, a notebook filled with his grandfather's recipes and begins to cook the rabbit.
The end!