Writing

[avarelkat]

I already turned this one in, so I feel cool with posting it here.
SECOND PERSON

You fill the bucket with water. It is cool outside, so you are careful not to get water on your clothes. You reach over to turn off the water and leave the hose lying on the ground. The bucket is heavy and you are careful not to slosh the water too much as you carry

Comments

Writing three versions

[anonymous]

It's a pretty good example of writing the three points of view, in as far as it shows "I", "you" "she".

It was good for the reader how you made different details important in each version.

The second section, in the "third person" part loses some of it's intensity as it seems to lose connection with the character. It moves to another remove, is the best I can express it. Instead of "she transferred the dirt", it's all happening without pronouns; it's done without there seeming to be a person involved.

There were a few punctuation changes I might suggest, but those tend to be subjective. The word "careful" is used twice in three sentences in the first paragraph, perhaps a bit more recourse to the thesaurus would have helped with that.

I also noticed that in the first version, the impression was that the rock walls were finished, while in the last, the "first person" POV, it seems they're still under construction.

I also note that the second and first person versions are present tense, while the second person is past tense.Patti