Condensed Episode 27: Zuko Alone
Um...Hey, guys! I'm not dead! Just in the midsts of pre-college hell.
First off, obviously, I would like to apologize. That was a MUCH longer hiatus than I planned on taking (over a YEAR, what the hell). I only hope that you can forgive me.
But, in apologizing, I have chosen not to say it with words, or even with flowers. Instead, I am saying it with Zuko. 'Cause nothing says "I'm sorry" like an angsty exiled prince. Well, maybe in the third season.
And...we're back!
Somewhere in LA
Mike and Bryan: Look, we've received a lot of letters, all of which are something along the lines of "HOMG WHERE IS ZUKO WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN LIKE FIVE EPISODES." You guys just cannot leave us alone about this guy. You want him? FINE.
Some Barren Expanse of Land Somewhere in the Earth Kingdom
Zuko rides through on his horeseybird, staring angstfully into the distance. He crosses some rickety rope bridge, because there is always one of those. He debates stealing food, but that lady's gonna be having that kid in, like, thirteen episodes, and he won't take the food because he is a Good and Honest Person.
Near-Deserted Earth Kingdom Village
Some Earth Soldiers: *are shady*
Zuko: Can I get some feed, water, and a hot meal?
Vendor: Sorry, we've only got feed. I can give you some exposition, if you like.
Zuko: *sigh* Sure.
Some little Earth kids throw an egg at the Hammer Guy (whose name is Gow, apparently. I honestly had no idea). They then duck, leaving Zuko to take the blame, because they are rambunctous little scamps.
Vendor: Here's your feed-
Gow: Yoink!
Zuko: *glares*
Vendor: Jeez, sorry about that. Here, have some more exposition. On the house.
Zuko: Thanks, man.
Unbeknownst to Zuko, he has aquired a fanboy. It will not remain unbeknownst for long.
Lee: Hi! I'm Lee! I think that you are super awesome, random guy! Come over to my house, meet my parents, and have food with us, despite the fact that I know little to nothing about you!
Zuko: ...You had me at food.
Some Farm
Zuko: Wow. This has to be the least kosher farm ever.
Lee: Hi dad! Hi mom! This guy just totally fought off a bunch of soldiers for me and he's cool and I like him and can we keep him? PLEASE?
Gansu: Hey, if he hates those guys he's okay by us! The real soldires (like our older son, btw) are off fighting in the war, not hanging around here harassing us peasantfolk.
Zuko: O...kay?
Sela: What's your name, kid?
Zuko: Uh...
Inside Zuko's Head: Crap! The name I usually use is the same as their son's! Since Lee is TOTALLY not a common name and it's impossible for two people in a given situation to have the same name, I can't possibly use that! I should just not give them a name, which is definately not suspicious at all. Well...
Gansu: You don't have to answer that. Honestly, woman, you can't go around asking personal questions like his name. Sheesh.
Zuko: Bullet dodged.
Probably the Only Manual Labor Zuko Has Ever Done
Lee: Hey man! I was wondering...where are you from? Where are you going? How'd you get that scar? Where-
Gansu: Lee, stop asking him questions. A man's past is his business, and should not have any bearing on the current situation, a statement that will be in no way ironic in about twenty minutes.
Zuko is reminded of some point in his childhood, because this is a flashback episode and this is the knind of thing you have to expect.
Avatar Fans: We get to see bits of Zuko's angsty, angsty past and get craptons of plot exposition? ZOMG YES.
The Pretty, Monochrome Past
Adorable, tiny Zuko and his mom are sitting by a turtleduck pond.
Fangirls: OMG Chibi Zuko! SQUEEEE!
Zuko: Hey mom! This is how Azula feeds turtleducks! *throws huge chunk of bread*
Mother Turtleduck: STEP OFF MY KID, BITCH. *beak attack*
Zuko: Ow! Mom, why'd that stupid duck bite me?
Ursa: Oh, Zuko, that's just the way moms are! If one of their babies is threatened, they have no choice but to defend them by any means necessary, even if that means patricide and self-imposed banishment!
Zuko: Wait, what was that?
Ursa: Nothing, sweetheart.
The Littlest Psychopath and Friends
Azula was a spiteful bitch even at the age of eight or whatever. This surprises noone. Meanwhile, Little!Mai is adorable.
Azula: *plotplanscheme* Hey mom! Make Zuko play with us!
Zuko: No way!
Azula: *putting on innocent-little-girl face* But we need Zuko to play with us, or the teams won't be even! Besides, as siblings, we should really spend time together! Don't you agree, mom?
Ursa: Zuko, why don't you go play with them?
Zuko: But...She's evil.
Azula: Okay! Here's the game: I set an apple on fire, put it on Mai's head, and you have to knock it off!
Mai: Say WHAT?!
Zuko tries to save her from the flaming apple of crazy by knocking her backwards into the fountain. Awkward shojou moment ahoy!
Avula and Ty Lee: Tee hee!
Mai: That's it. I'm totally going emo now.
Ursa: *comes back* Zuko, what's wrong? You're soaking wet!
Zuko: Girls are crazy!
Ursa: Well, yes, but Azula isn't really the best standard to go by.
Somewhere in Ba Sing Se
The wall of Ba sing Se has been breached. We see younger Iroh writing a letter in a pretty, pretty tent. He's got some of those guards in the masks with three eyeholes, so apparently those guys have been around since the beginning. Zuko probably didn't have them because he wasn't important enough.
Iroh: If Ba Sing Se is anything like its wall, then it is very impressive. I hope you kids get to see it before we burn it to the ground!
Back at the Fire Palace
Ursa, Zuko and Azula: Man, destruction is hilarious.
Ursa: Oh, and Iroh sent presents! Zuko gets a Thematic Dagger...
Zuko: Ooh, it even has a plot keywords inscription!
Ursa: ...and Azula gets a doll.
Azula: Oh joy. Hey mommy, if Iroh gets killed in the war, dad gets to be fire lord, right?
Ursa: Azula! Don't talk like that! Besides, Azulon is healthy, and would definately not die in the near future!
Azula: Whatever.
Azula then proceeds to burn her doll's head. I'm guessing this is what happens to most of her toys.
Back to the Present
Zuko is asleep on some hay bale, when he is woken by the sounds of inexpert sword-weildery.
Lee: Take THAT, sunflowers!
Zuko: No, you're doing it wrong. They may be two swords, but they're really just two halves of the same weapon. You have to think of them as just being part of the same thing, just like a prince's douchey, angst-ridden past and his hopefully honorable future.
Avatar Fans Thirteen Episodes in the Future: HA.
Swords: *divide Zuko's face in a moment of OMG Symbolism*
Lee: *runs off with swords* Wait, what was that last part?
Zuko: Nevermind.
The Next Day
Sela: Here's some food for the road, random guy.
Zuko: Thanks. Well, if that's all, I thin I'll be on my way before I need to get too involved here-
Gansu: WAIT! Those soldiers are coming back! And they brougt PLOT with them!
Zuko: Aw, hell.
Gansu: Gow! What do you want?
Gow: We just came to tell you that your son's battalion got captured!
Soldier: Even though we're supposed to be on the same side of the war, we're gonna taunt you about it anyway! 'Cause, you know, we're assholes.
Gow: Oh, and we still hate you, random guy.
Gow and Zuko: *manly glare-off*
Gow: So uh...we're gonna go now.
The Pretty Palace Garden
Ursa recieves a Very Important Letter. She looks very unhappy about it. Let's ask why.
Ursa: *tearing up* Lu Ten...did not make it back from the battle.
Fandom: *cries*
The Farm
Lee: What's going to happen to my brother?
Gansu: I have to go to the front and bring him back!
Sela: *cries*
Lee: *sniffle* Random guy? Will you stay after my dad leaves?
Zuko: I'm sorry, I can't. You can have my Thematic Dagger, though. Read the inscription.
Lee: "...Made in China?"
Zuko: No, the other one.
Lee: ..."Never give up without a fight"
Zuko: Right. Now, if you need me, I have some flashbacking to do.
That One Room in the Palace
Zuko plays with his new dagger because he is cute. Azula is not impressed.
Azula: I can't believe that Iroh is lame enough to give up the battle just because his son died. Famillial love is totally lame.
Zuko: Is not!
Azula: Is too!
Ursa: Come on, kids, Fire Lord Azulon wants to see us.
Azula: *eyeroll* Can't we just call him Grandfather?
Ursa: Well, that's very sweet, but-
Azula: I mean, he's not going to be Fire Lord much longer! He's pretty old. We're probably gonna have a new one soon, if you get what I mean.
Ursa: Young lady, you stop that right this instant! Now put on your good clothes and MARCH.
Azula: *grumblemumble*
Ursa: There is something very, very wrong with that girl.
Fandom: You're telling us.
The Firey, Firey Throne Room
Apparently, the throne room has always had big, firey walls around the throne. However, Azulon has decided to opt out of the Facial Obstruction Plan.
Ozai: Azula, since it has been established that I like you best because you are more talented, why don't you show your grandfather the new moves you practiced?
Azula: Sure thing, daddy! *bending powers of impressiveness*
Ozai: *pleased face*
Zuko: W-Wait! I can bend too!
Daddy Issues: 'Sup?
Zuko...is...kind of terrible at this. But we all feel bad for him, because he is not evil.
Ozai: *displeased face*
Azula: Yay! My brother sucks!
Zuko: I...I failed!
Anyone noticing a pattern here?
Ursa: Oh, don't worry Zuko! It was just one try, and you can get better! Besides, I loved it.
Zuko: *angsts*
Azulon: Ozai, did you just want to see me to try to get me to come to your kids' bending recitals? Just tell me what you want. And everyone else has to leave now.
Ursa and the kids start walking out of the throne room, but at the last minute Azula hides herself and Zuko behind some curtain. Ursa doesn't seem to notice.
Ozai: Father, since Lu Ten is dead and Iroh seems kind of whimpy now, what with the not fighting and all, could you make me the next in line? I'm totally ready to fight people, and I've got two perfectly healthy, competent kids. Well, at least one, anyway.
Azulon: WHAT?! Revoke Iroh's right as the first born right after his beloved son died? How DARE you suggest such a thing? You shall be punished most severely for this.
Zuko: *flees*
So, Ozai is punished for being a douchebag? that's actually a pretty decent-oh wait. I just remembered what the punishment was. Never mind.
The Scene in which Azula is Really, Really Creepy
Azula: *sing-song voice* Dad's going to kill you! He actually really is.
Zuko: Oh he is not.
Azula: He is too! I heard Grandfather saying that in order to understand the pain of losing a first-born son, he had to have his own killed. Bummer for you, huh?
Zuko: You are a lying liar who lies!
Azula: Well, yeah, but I'm telling the truth this time!
Zuko: He'd NEVER do that!
Azula: Wanna bet?
Zuko: ...
Ursa: And just WHAT is going on in here?
Azula: I haven't the slightest idea!
Ursa: ...We are having a very serious talk. Now.
Zuko: Azula always lies...Azula always lies...
Some Field
Zuko: Azula always lies...
Fandom: Please try to keep that in mind in the thirteen-episodes-away future, m'kay?
Sela: Random guy! Thank goodness I found you. Somehow. Look, When Gansu left, the soldiers came back and ordered us to give them food, Lee pulled a knife on them! Where would he even get a knife?
Zuko: Note to self: Giving daggers to vengefull, excitable children is probably a bad idea.
Sela: Anyway, they said that if he's old enough to fight, he's old enough to be in the army! *sobs* I know we don't really know you, but-
Zuko: Sigh. Don't worry, as the Conflicted but Honorable Antihero, I have no choice but to help you.
The Village
The soldiers have tied Lee up. To a pole from a mill. For some reason.
Lee: Random guy! You came back!
Gow: What the hell are you doing here?
Zuko: Let the kid go!
Gow: Says who?
Zuko: It doesn't matter who I am. You guys are just a bunch of assholes who pick on people weaker than you, like this family who already lost one son to the war!
Gow: That...is completely true. But, clearly, we're going to have to kick your ass for that.
Clearly, a showdown is imminent.
Tumbleweed: *rolls past*
Background Music: Wah Wah Wah Waaaaah
Zuko: Bring. It. ON.
Zuko manages to beat up the first three guys without actually drawing his swords. Do I even have to point out that he's a badass at this point?
Fangirls: SQUEEE!
Gow: Alright, NOW it's on.
Gow stars fighting with his crazy earthbending swords. The villagers cheer Zuko on, and that one old guy reminds me of nothing so much as a much older Sokka. There is swording and hammerage and general fightitude. Unfortunately, Gow actually starts winning.
Zuko: Dammit, why do I keep getting inot fights with people much older than me? I mean, I usually win, but still.
And, Once Again, Zuko Decides to Have a Flashback
It is sometime in the middle of the night. Ursa is waking Zuko up.
Zuko: Mom? What's going on?
Ursa: Zuko, listen to me: Everything I've done, I've done for you, even if it's been weird or shady or so questionable and mysterious that many, many people will obsess over it for ages, even after what actually happened is canonized. Just promise me that no matter how much things change, never forget who you are.
We Now Resume The Fight, Already in Progress
Zuko has been knocked back. The villagers are worried and Lee looks scared BUT SUDDELY:
Zuko: *firebending FWOOSH!*
Fire Nation Theme Music: *is dramatic*
Villagers: OMGWTF.
Gow: ...I don't think I'm alone in saying this, so...what the hell ass?
Zuko: I AM ZUKO! Prince of the Fire Nation, heir to the throne, and RIGHTEOUS KICKER OF YOUR ASS.
Old Guy Who Reminds Me of Sokka: Nu-UH! You're not a prince! You were burned and banished and dishonored and stuff!
Zuko: *eyeroll* Oh, really? I had forgotten.
Sela: Stay a way from the boy who you just totally risked yourself to save!
Zuko: Can he at least keep my thematic dagger?
Lee: NO I HATE YOU YOU ARE BAD.
Zuko: ...I am literally choking on irony over here.
Have Some More Flasback, Why Don't You
Azula: Hee hee I like sharp things.
Zuko: *very worried* Azula, have you seen mom anywhere?
Azula: No, no one's seen her since last night! Also, Grandfather passed away! Isn't that a crazy coincidence?
Zuko: ...
Azula: Oh, and you can have your dagger back. I'm done with it. Besides, I have to go be creepy somewhere else.
Fandom: Dude. Are you sure she didn't kill Azulon?
The Palace Garden, Now In Dark, Foreboding Monochrome!
Zuko: Where is she?!
Ozai: *stoic silence*
...Yeah, this one is going to be obsessed over for at least a good two seasons.
The King Is Dead, Long Live the King
Azulon's funeral is stately and impressive, and everyone is in white.
Audience: Huh. So the Fire Nation does creamation. Thats...unsurprising.
Fire Sage: We lay you to rest, Azulon. Ozai is now Fire Lord, as was your dying wish. Well, I didn't actually hear him say that, and I'm pretty sure Ozai was the one who told me, so-
Ozai: JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING HAIR ACCESSORY.
Fire Sage: Sheesh, fine. *crowns*
Apparently coronations happen during funerals now? I guess they were short on time.
Fire Nation Theme Music: Dun dun dun DUUUUN!
Zuko: *looks scared*
Azula: *looks evil*
Zuko: ...It's gonna be a rough seven or so years, isn't it?
Azula: You have no idea.
The Village of Irony
As he leaves the village, Zuko is flanked by the Earth Kindom villagers who he only wanted to protect.
Villagers: *death glares*
Zuko: Well, that figures.
Villagers: And stay out!
Zuko: *rides off into the sunset*
Fangirls: Don't worry, Zuko! We still love you.
First off, obviously, I would like to apologize. That was a MUCH longer hiatus than I planned on taking (over a YEAR, what the hell). I only hope that you can forgive me.
But, in apologizing, I have chosen not to say it with words, or even with flowers. Instead, I am saying it with Zuko. 'Cause nothing says "I'm sorry" like an angsty exiled prince. Well, maybe in the third season.
And...we're back!
Somewhere in LA
Mike and Bryan: Look, we've received a lot of letters, all of which are something along the lines of "HOMG WHERE IS ZUKO WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN LIKE FIVE EPISODES." You guys just cannot leave us alone about this guy. You want him? FINE.
Some Barren Expanse of Land Somewhere in the Earth Kingdom
Zuko rides through on his horeseybird, staring angstfully into the distance. He crosses some rickety rope bridge, because there is always one of those. He debates stealing food, but that lady's gonna be having that kid in, like, thirteen episodes, and he won't take the food because he is a Good and Honest Person.
Near-Deserted Earth Kingdom Village
Some Earth Soldiers: *are shady*
Zuko: Can I get some feed, water, and a hot meal?
Vendor: Sorry, we've only got feed. I can give you some exposition, if you like.
Zuko: *sigh* Sure.
Some little Earth kids throw an egg at the Hammer Guy (whose name is Gow, apparently. I honestly had no idea). They then duck, leaving Zuko to take the blame, because they are rambunctous little scamps.
Vendor: Here's your feed-
Gow: Yoink!
Zuko: *glares*
Vendor: Jeez, sorry about that. Here, have some more exposition. On the house.
Zuko: Thanks, man.
Unbeknownst to Zuko, he has aquired a fanboy. It will not remain unbeknownst for long.
Lee: Hi! I'm Lee! I think that you are super awesome, random guy! Come over to my house, meet my parents, and have food with us, despite the fact that I know little to nothing about you!
Zuko: ...You had me at food.
Some Farm
Zuko: Wow. This has to be the least kosher farm ever.
Lee: Hi dad! Hi mom! This guy just totally fought off a bunch of soldiers for me and he's cool and I like him and can we keep him? PLEASE?
Gansu: Hey, if he hates those guys he's okay by us! The real soldires (like our older son, btw) are off fighting in the war, not hanging around here harassing us peasantfolk.
Zuko: O...kay?
Sela: What's your name, kid?
Zuko: Uh...
Inside Zuko's Head: Crap! The name I usually use is the same as their son's! Since Lee is TOTALLY not a common name and it's impossible for two people in a given situation to have the same name, I can't possibly use that! I should just not give them a name, which is definately not suspicious at all. Well...
Gansu: You don't have to answer that. Honestly, woman, you can't go around asking personal questions like his name. Sheesh.
Zuko: Bullet dodged.
Probably the Only Manual Labor Zuko Has Ever Done
Lee: Hey man! I was wondering...where are you from? Where are you going? How'd you get that scar? Where-
Gansu: Lee, stop asking him questions. A man's past is his business, and should not have any bearing on the current situation, a statement that will be in no way ironic in about twenty minutes.
Zuko is reminded of some point in his childhood, because this is a flashback episode and this is the knind of thing you have to expect.
Avatar Fans: We get to see bits of Zuko's angsty, angsty past and get craptons of plot exposition? ZOMG YES.
The Pretty, Monochrome Past
Adorable, tiny Zuko and his mom are sitting by a turtleduck pond.
Fangirls: OMG Chibi Zuko! SQUEEEE!
Zuko: Hey mom! This is how Azula feeds turtleducks! *throws huge chunk of bread*
Mother Turtleduck: STEP OFF MY KID, BITCH. *beak attack*
Zuko: Ow! Mom, why'd that stupid duck bite me?
Ursa: Oh, Zuko, that's just the way moms are! If one of their babies is threatened, they have no choice but to defend them by any means necessary, even if that means patricide and self-imposed banishment!
Zuko: Wait, what was that?
Ursa: Nothing, sweetheart.
The Littlest Psychopath and Friends
Azula was a spiteful bitch even at the age of eight or whatever. This surprises noone. Meanwhile, Little!Mai is adorable.
Azula: *plotplanscheme* Hey mom! Make Zuko play with us!
Zuko: No way!
Azula: *putting on innocent-little-girl face* But we need Zuko to play with us, or the teams won't be even! Besides, as siblings, we should really spend time together! Don't you agree, mom?
Ursa: Zuko, why don't you go play with them?
Zuko: But...She's evil.
Azula: Okay! Here's the game: I set an apple on fire, put it on Mai's head, and you have to knock it off!
Mai: Say WHAT?!
Zuko tries to save her from the flaming apple of crazy by knocking her backwards into the fountain. Awkward shojou moment ahoy!
Avula and Ty Lee: Tee hee!
Mai: That's it. I'm totally going emo now.
Ursa: *comes back* Zuko, what's wrong? You're soaking wet!
Zuko: Girls are crazy!
Ursa: Well, yes, but Azula isn't really the best standard to go by.
Somewhere in Ba Sing Se
The wall of Ba sing Se has been breached. We see younger Iroh writing a letter in a pretty, pretty tent. He's got some of those guards in the masks with three eyeholes, so apparently those guys have been around since the beginning. Zuko probably didn't have them because he wasn't important enough.
Iroh: If Ba Sing Se is anything like its wall, then it is very impressive. I hope you kids get to see it before we burn it to the ground!
Back at the Fire Palace
Ursa, Zuko and Azula: Man, destruction is hilarious.
Ursa: Oh, and Iroh sent presents! Zuko gets a Thematic Dagger...
Zuko: Ooh, it even has a plot keywords inscription!
Ursa: ...and Azula gets a doll.
Azula: Oh joy. Hey mommy, if Iroh gets killed in the war, dad gets to be fire lord, right?
Ursa: Azula! Don't talk like that! Besides, Azulon is healthy, and would definately not die in the near future!
Azula: Whatever.
Azula then proceeds to burn her doll's head. I'm guessing this is what happens to most of her toys.
Back to the Present
Zuko is asleep on some hay bale, when he is woken by the sounds of inexpert sword-weildery.
Lee: Take THAT, sunflowers!
Zuko: No, you're doing it wrong. They may be two swords, but they're really just two halves of the same weapon. You have to think of them as just being part of the same thing, just like a prince's douchey, angst-ridden past and his hopefully honorable future.
Avatar Fans Thirteen Episodes in the Future: HA.
Swords: *divide Zuko's face in a moment of OMG Symbolism*
Lee: *runs off with swords* Wait, what was that last part?
Zuko: Nevermind.
The Next Day
Sela: Here's some food for the road, random guy.
Zuko: Thanks. Well, if that's all, I thin I'll be on my way before I need to get too involved here-
Gansu: WAIT! Those soldiers are coming back! And they brougt PLOT with them!
Zuko: Aw, hell.
Gansu: Gow! What do you want?
Gow: We just came to tell you that your son's battalion got captured!
Soldier: Even though we're supposed to be on the same side of the war, we're gonna taunt you about it anyway! 'Cause, you know, we're assholes.
Gow: Oh, and we still hate you, random guy.
Gow and Zuko: *manly glare-off*
Gow: So uh...we're gonna go now.
The Pretty Palace Garden
Ursa recieves a Very Important Letter. She looks very unhappy about it. Let's ask why.
Ursa: *tearing up* Lu Ten...did not make it back from the battle.
Fandom: *cries*
The Farm
Lee: What's going to happen to my brother?
Gansu: I have to go to the front and bring him back!
Sela: *cries*
Lee: *sniffle* Random guy? Will you stay after my dad leaves?
Zuko: I'm sorry, I can't. You can have my Thematic Dagger, though. Read the inscription.
Lee: "...Made in China?"
Zuko: No, the other one.
Lee: ..."Never give up without a fight"
Zuko: Right. Now, if you need me, I have some flashbacking to do.
That One Room in the Palace
Zuko plays with his new dagger because he is cute. Azula is not impressed.
Azula: I can't believe that Iroh is lame enough to give up the battle just because his son died. Famillial love is totally lame.
Zuko: Is not!
Azula: Is too!
Ursa: Come on, kids, Fire Lord Azulon wants to see us.
Azula: *eyeroll* Can't we just call him Grandfather?
Ursa: Well, that's very sweet, but-
Azula: I mean, he's not going to be Fire Lord much longer! He's pretty old. We're probably gonna have a new one soon, if you get what I mean.
Ursa: Young lady, you stop that right this instant! Now put on your good clothes and MARCH.
Azula: *grumblemumble*
Ursa: There is something very, very wrong with that girl.
Fandom: You're telling us.
The Firey, Firey Throne Room
Apparently, the throne room has always had big, firey walls around the throne. However, Azulon has decided to opt out of the Facial Obstruction Plan.
Ozai: Azula, since it has been established that I like you best because you are more talented, why don't you show your grandfather the new moves you practiced?
Azula: Sure thing, daddy! *bending powers of impressiveness*
Ozai: *pleased face*
Zuko: W-Wait! I can bend too!
Daddy Issues: 'Sup?
Zuko...is...kind of terrible at this. But we all feel bad for him, because he is not evil.
Ozai: *displeased face*
Azula: Yay! My brother sucks!
Zuko: I...I failed!
Anyone noticing a pattern here?
Ursa: Oh, don't worry Zuko! It was just one try, and you can get better! Besides, I loved it.
Zuko: *angsts*
Azulon: Ozai, did you just want to see me to try to get me to come to your kids' bending recitals? Just tell me what you want. And everyone else has to leave now.
Ursa and the kids start walking out of the throne room, but at the last minute Azula hides herself and Zuko behind some curtain. Ursa doesn't seem to notice.
Ozai: Father, since Lu Ten is dead and Iroh seems kind of whimpy now, what with the not fighting and all, could you make me the next in line? I'm totally ready to fight people, and I've got two perfectly healthy, competent kids. Well, at least one, anyway.
Azulon: WHAT?! Revoke Iroh's right as the first born right after his beloved son died? How DARE you suggest such a thing? You shall be punished most severely for this.
Zuko: *flees*
So, Ozai is punished for being a douchebag? that's actually a pretty decent-oh wait. I just remembered what the punishment was. Never mind.
The Scene in which Azula is Really, Really Creepy
Azula: *sing-song voice* Dad's going to kill you! He actually really is.
Zuko: Oh he is not.
Azula: He is too! I heard Grandfather saying that in order to understand the pain of losing a first-born son, he had to have his own killed. Bummer for you, huh?
Zuko: You are a lying liar who lies!
Azula: Well, yeah, but I'm telling the truth this time!
Zuko: He'd NEVER do that!
Azula: Wanna bet?
Zuko: ...
Ursa: And just WHAT is going on in here?
Azula: I haven't the slightest idea!
Ursa: ...We are having a very serious talk. Now.
Zuko: Azula always lies...Azula always lies...
Some Field
Zuko: Azula always lies...
Fandom: Please try to keep that in mind in the thirteen-episodes-away future, m'kay?
Sela: Random guy! Thank goodness I found you. Somehow. Look, When Gansu left, the soldiers came back and ordered us to give them food, Lee pulled a knife on them! Where would he even get a knife?
Zuko: Note to self: Giving daggers to vengefull, excitable children is probably a bad idea.
Sela: Anyway, they said that if he's old enough to fight, he's old enough to be in the army! *sobs* I know we don't really know you, but-
Zuko: Sigh. Don't worry, as the Conflicted but Honorable Antihero, I have no choice but to help you.
The Village
The soldiers have tied Lee up. To a pole from a mill. For some reason.
Lee: Random guy! You came back!
Gow: What the hell are you doing here?
Zuko: Let the kid go!
Gow: Says who?
Zuko: It doesn't matter who I am. You guys are just a bunch of assholes who pick on people weaker than you, like this family who already lost one son to the war!
Gow: That...is completely true. But, clearly, we're going to have to kick your ass for that.
Clearly, a showdown is imminent.
Tumbleweed: *rolls past*
Background Music: Wah Wah Wah Waaaaah
Zuko: Bring. It. ON.
Zuko manages to beat up the first three guys without actually drawing his swords. Do I even have to point out that he's a badass at this point?
Fangirls: SQUEEE!
Gow: Alright, NOW it's on.
Gow stars fighting with his crazy earthbending swords. The villagers cheer Zuko on, and that one old guy reminds me of nothing so much as a much older Sokka. There is swording and hammerage and general fightitude. Unfortunately, Gow actually starts winning.
Zuko: Dammit, why do I keep getting inot fights with people much older than me? I mean, I usually win, but still.
And, Once Again, Zuko Decides to Have a Flashback
It is sometime in the middle of the night. Ursa is waking Zuko up.
Zuko: Mom? What's going on?
Ursa: Zuko, listen to me: Everything I've done, I've done for you, even if it's been weird or shady or so questionable and mysterious that many, many people will obsess over it for ages, even after what actually happened is canonized. Just promise me that no matter how much things change, never forget who you are.
We Now Resume The Fight, Already in Progress
Zuko has been knocked back. The villagers are worried and Lee looks scared BUT SUDDELY:
Zuko: *firebending FWOOSH!*
Fire Nation Theme Music: *is dramatic*
Villagers: OMGWTF.
Gow: ...I don't think I'm alone in saying this, so...what the hell ass?
Zuko: I AM ZUKO! Prince of the Fire Nation, heir to the throne, and RIGHTEOUS KICKER OF YOUR ASS.
Old Guy Who Reminds Me of Sokka: Nu-UH! You're not a prince! You were burned and banished and dishonored and stuff!
Zuko: *eyeroll* Oh, really? I had forgotten.
Sela: Stay a way from the boy who you just totally risked yourself to save!
Zuko: Can he at least keep my thematic dagger?
Lee: NO I HATE YOU YOU ARE BAD.
Zuko: ...I am literally choking on irony over here.
Have Some More Flasback, Why Don't You
Azula: Hee hee I like sharp things.
Zuko: *very worried* Azula, have you seen mom anywhere?
Azula: No, no one's seen her since last night! Also, Grandfather passed away! Isn't that a crazy coincidence?
Zuko: ...
Azula: Oh, and you can have your dagger back. I'm done with it. Besides, I have to go be creepy somewhere else.
Fandom: Dude. Are you sure she didn't kill Azulon?
The Palace Garden, Now In Dark, Foreboding Monochrome!
Zuko: Where is she?!
Ozai: *stoic silence*
...Yeah, this one is going to be obsessed over for at least a good two seasons.
The King Is Dead, Long Live the King
Azulon's funeral is stately and impressive, and everyone is in white.
Audience: Huh. So the Fire Nation does creamation. Thats...unsurprising.
Fire Sage: We lay you to rest, Azulon. Ozai is now Fire Lord, as was your dying wish. Well, I didn't actually hear him say that, and I'm pretty sure Ozai was the one who told me, so-
Ozai: JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING HAIR ACCESSORY.
Fire Sage: Sheesh, fine. *crowns*
Apparently coronations happen during funerals now? I guess they were short on time.
Fire Nation Theme Music: Dun dun dun DUUUUN!
Zuko: *looks scared*
Azula: *looks evil*
Zuko: ...It's gonna be a rough seven or so years, isn't it?
Azula: You have no idea.
The Village of Irony
As he leaves the village, Zuko is flanked by the Earth Kindom villagers who he only wanted to protect.
Villagers: *death glares*
Zuko: Well, that figures.
Villagers: And stay out!
Zuko: *rides off into the sunset*
Fangirls: Don't worry, Zuko! We still love you.