Imperfect, chapter 2
Title: Imperfect, chapter two of three
Characters/Pairings: Mai/Zuko
Summary: It's been years since they last met, and many things have changed...some more so than others, and none in the way she expected.
Rating: T
Notes: Chapter one is here. This begins immediately after the events in "Crossroads of Destiny." Written for rawles, in an attempt to help her spread the Mai Love around.
Previous Chapter
oOoOo
Mai waited quietly in the corridor for the shock to leave her features, willing her mouth to relax, her eyes to narrow, her breath to slow. Azula would pounce on any hint of emotion, and this was not a topic Mai wanted to discuss with her. The princess seemed to find Mai's childhood affection for her brother to be riotously entertaining, but love wasn't an emotion she had much interest in or understanding of. She teased Mai because she thought that was all it was: a crush nearly a decade old, now little more than fodder for her amusement. Cloaked in a cool detachment woven from years at the Royal Fire Academy, Mai would not give her a reason to think otherwise.
By the time Mai stepped out into the sunlit courtyard, the afternoon's training had begun. Azula stood near the northern wall, silently and methodically bending waves of flame toward her brother. Her poise was perfect, her pale skin gleaming in the sun as she gracefully cycled from one position to the next. Mai remembered this exercise, and knew it would continue for hours until Zuko's stance was broken.
In the shadow of the southern wall, Zuko squatted low to the ground, bare feet planted far apart on the packed earth. Naked from the waist up and shining with sweat, he tore through sheets of fire with his hands. On previous afternoons, Zuko had been sullen and quiet, putting forth just enough effort to stay upright and not seeming to care, particularly, when his legs finally gave out. Today, he met each wave with a roar of fury, his jaw set and the veins on his neck bulging as he cast the flames aside. Azula smiled.
"Getting tired of this game, Zuzu?" she purred without breaking her rhythm. "Too bad for you that you're as much of a coward as Uncle." Zuko caught the next wave in his hands, compacting it into a ball and hurling it back across the courtyard. Azula stepped lightly aside, just far enough to be out of range as the blast hit the wall behind her.
"Better," she said with what might have been genuine warmth. "We can't have a Fire Lord who's afraid of his little sister, can we?" She picked up his discarded clothing and tossed it over to him. "But work on thickening your skin. You can't lose control of yourself every time someone insults you. Words are weapons, just like anything else -- keep your guard up."
Zuko nodded silently as he slipped on his tunic. Azula turned to her friend with a smirk. "Sorry, Mai. Show's over."
There were many things that Azula didn't understand.
oOoOo
Mai watched Zuko very closely after that. While she had lived with her parents in the Fire Nation capital she'd alleviated her boredom by spying on others, imagining she was tailing assassins and saboteurs instead of courtiers and servants. Occasionally she would discover something worthwhile -- a hidden love affair, a petty theft, a secret cache of commoners' treasures -- but she never made use of her gathered knowledge. The chase intrigued her, not the prize. It was a childish habit, she knew, yet it had kept her footsteps light and her eyes sharp. For that, at least, she was grateful.
Wary, antisocial and prone to insomnia, Zuko proved a challenging target. But Mai was more than usually determined. "You don't see," he had said, so now she saw everything. Half-lidded eyes followed him as he trained with his sister, spent long afternoons walking the halls of the palace, practiced swordplay in cavernous ballrooms against invisible foes, read ponderous military histories in the library by candlelight. Hidden in dark corners, behind columns, between shelves, she was free to study his ruined face and unfamiliar profile, his too-short hair and broad shoulders and sharp jaw. She remembered the softer lines of a young prince, and the man she had imagined he would become, smiling and confident and well past the awkwardness of childhood. She decided she preferred him like this.
Days passed, and the rhythm of Mai's life at the palace matched itself to his. She ate when he ate, slept when he slept, and woke before dawn to watch his sleeping face. Each time she did this, she edged a bit closer, intruding further and further into his room, until she was sitting on the floor beside his bed as his slow breath stirred her hair.
One morning she found his room empty, and waited out of sight behind a screen until he crept back along the corridor, his expression unfathomable in the pale light of sunrise. She followed him the next night as he roamed the streets of the upper ring, and watched as he sat for hours on the steps of a shuttered tea house, his face in his hands.
When he finally rose to his feet, Mai tucked herself more deeply into her shadowed doorway, timing her breaths to match his footsteps. He walked straight toward her, his eyes on the cobblestones as he passed within inches of her hiding place, then stopped a few steps beyond it.
"Coming?" he asked softly. Cursing her own recklessness, Mai hesitated a moment before abandoning all pretense of secrecy and joining him in the street.
They walked together in silence for some time, following the road past sumptuous apartments and luxury storefronts. Mai had never left the palace grounds before, and read the gilded wooden signs with mild interest, wondering how long it would be before wealthy merchants were replaced by Fire Navy officers. A rebellion had caused delays in New Ozai, but the people here were accustomed to having their lives controlled by others. To a shopkeeper, Fire Nation soldiers and Dai Li agents were all cut from the same cloth.
Mai was vaguely aware of moving down to a lower ring of the city, and some time later they reached a large square with a fountain, the light of countless paper lanterns sparkling on the water. Zuko sat on the fountain's edge, his hands folded in his lap, and Mai joined him wordlessly. The marble was cold beneath her, and she wondered what she thought she was doing.
When Zuko spoke, his voice was rough with disuse. "Uncle wanted us to start a new life here," he said. "We were going to run his tea shop together, forget about the avatar...wait for the war to be over..."
"Sounds awful," said Mai.
"Maybe," said Zuko softly. "But we'd been running for so long...peace and quiet were starting to sound pretty good."
"'Peace' and 'quiet' are just polite words for 'dull' and 'pointless,'" said Mai. She fingered a small knife concealed in her sleeve. "That can't have been what you really wanted."
"He told me it was time that I made my own choices," Zuko continued. "And I was tired. I was so incredibly tired of struggling and hunting and honor and..." He breathed deeply, his eyes closed. "I thought that if I could just stop caring about any of it, maybe I could forget. Maybe I could be happy if I stopped wanting things that I was never going to have."
"It doesn't need to be that way anymore, you know," said Mai. "Azula's serious about the Fire Lord forgiving you. You made the right choice, for once."
"Did I?" he asked faintly.
"He was helping the Avatar!" Mai snapped with a rare edge of anger. "He obviously doesn't have any loyalty to you, why should you have any to him?"
"You weren't there," said Zuko. "You didn't see the look on his face when I..." His voice broke. "He must have had a reason..."
"I can't think of a reason good enough for what he did," she said bitterly.
Zuko looked up at her, then, their eyes meeting for the first time. "You've changed," he said simply.
Mai bristled. "What are you talking about?"
"Patriotism doesn't really suit you."
"This doesn't have anything to do with patriotism," said Mai with a dismissive wave of her hand. "You think I'm here because my heart beats with love for the Fire Nation? I came because Azula asked me to and I owe her. I'm mad at your uncle because you trusted him and he turned on you. That's all."
"You know it's not that simple," said Zuko. "Thousands of people are going to die because we decided to help Azula. Doesn't that mean something do you? Don't you care about anything?"
I care about you, you fucking idiot, she thought. Aloud, she said, "Don't let her hear you say things like that."
Zuko's eyes returned to his hands, long fingers twining nervously in his lap. "Mai...how long have you been following me?"
"Long enough to know you're all talk," Mai drawled. "You drop ominous hints of some master plan to take Azula down, but all you've actually done is sulk around the palace feeling sorry for yourself."
Zuko hunched forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair. "I....I've been reading," he said slowly, his voice muffled. "About the avatar. About Roku and Kyoshi and his other past lives, and what the world was like before the war. The books they have here...they're very different than the ones at home."
"Earth Kingdom propaganda," said Mai automatically.
"Maybe," said Zuko. "But...I've been thinking. About the things Uncle said, and what the Avatar and his friends have told me...Mai, I'm really not sure that they're wrong. I think....I think I've made a mistake-"
"You need to stop right now," said Mai severely, on her feet in a moment. Her eyes scanned the empty square, searching darkened windows for any hint of movement. "We can't know who's listening, out in the open like this."
Zuko raised his eyes again, and in them was so much uncertainty and remorse that she relented, her anger softening into fond annoyance. She leaned down until their heads were level, her lips brushing against his ear. "Wait for me in your room tomorrow night," she whispered. Zuko stiffened, his pulse fluttering in the hollow of his neck. He smelled of soap and burnt wool. "Then you can tell me what the hell you've been up to."
She straightened reluctantly and watched as he rubbed his good eye with his palm, ran his fingers back through his hair, exhaled, then pushed himself to his feet. "Thank you," he said abruptly, avoiding her gaze.
Mai blinked in uncharacteristic surprise. "For what?"
"Not telling Azula about any of this."
"How do you know I didn't?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.
He chuckled softly, the barest hint of a smile on his lips. "Because I wouldn't be here if you had."
oOoOo
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
x-posted on avatar_fans and maizuko
also on ff.net, for those who prefer their fic archived
Characters/Pairings: Mai/Zuko
Summary: It's been years since they last met, and many things have changed...some more so than others, and none in the way she expected.
Rating: T
Notes: Chapter one is here. This begins immediately after the events in "Crossroads of Destiny." Written for rawles, in an attempt to help her spread the Mai Love around.
Previous Chapter
oOoOo
Mai waited quietly in the corridor for the shock to leave her features, willing her mouth to relax, her eyes to narrow, her breath to slow. Azula would pounce on any hint of emotion, and this was not a topic Mai wanted to discuss with her. The princess seemed to find Mai's childhood affection for her brother to be riotously entertaining, but love wasn't an emotion she had much interest in or understanding of. She teased Mai because she thought that was all it was: a crush nearly a decade old, now little more than fodder for her amusement. Cloaked in a cool detachment woven from years at the Royal Fire Academy, Mai would not give her a reason to think otherwise.
By the time Mai stepped out into the sunlit courtyard, the afternoon's training had begun. Azula stood near the northern wall, silently and methodically bending waves of flame toward her brother. Her poise was perfect, her pale skin gleaming in the sun as she gracefully cycled from one position to the next. Mai remembered this exercise, and knew it would continue for hours until Zuko's stance was broken.
In the shadow of the southern wall, Zuko squatted low to the ground, bare feet planted far apart on the packed earth. Naked from the waist up and shining with sweat, he tore through sheets of fire with his hands. On previous afternoons, Zuko had been sullen and quiet, putting forth just enough effort to stay upright and not seeming to care, particularly, when his legs finally gave out. Today, he met each wave with a roar of fury, his jaw set and the veins on his neck bulging as he cast the flames aside. Azula smiled.
"Getting tired of this game, Zuzu?" she purred without breaking her rhythm. "Too bad for you that you're as much of a coward as Uncle." Zuko caught the next wave in his hands, compacting it into a ball and hurling it back across the courtyard. Azula stepped lightly aside, just far enough to be out of range as the blast hit the wall behind her.
"Better," she said with what might have been genuine warmth. "We can't have a Fire Lord who's afraid of his little sister, can we?" She picked up his discarded clothing and tossed it over to him. "But work on thickening your skin. You can't lose control of yourself every time someone insults you. Words are weapons, just like anything else -- keep your guard up."
Zuko nodded silently as he slipped on his tunic. Azula turned to her friend with a smirk. "Sorry, Mai. Show's over."
There were many things that Azula didn't understand.
oOoOo
Mai watched Zuko very closely after that. While she had lived with her parents in the Fire Nation capital she'd alleviated her boredom by spying on others, imagining she was tailing assassins and saboteurs instead of courtiers and servants. Occasionally she would discover something worthwhile -- a hidden love affair, a petty theft, a secret cache of commoners' treasures -- but she never made use of her gathered knowledge. The chase intrigued her, not the prize. It was a childish habit, she knew, yet it had kept her footsteps light and her eyes sharp. For that, at least, she was grateful.
Wary, antisocial and prone to insomnia, Zuko proved a challenging target. But Mai was more than usually determined. "You don't see," he had said, so now she saw everything. Half-lidded eyes followed him as he trained with his sister, spent long afternoons walking the halls of the palace, practiced swordplay in cavernous ballrooms against invisible foes, read ponderous military histories in the library by candlelight. Hidden in dark corners, behind columns, between shelves, she was free to study his ruined face and unfamiliar profile, his too-short hair and broad shoulders and sharp jaw. She remembered the softer lines of a young prince, and the man she had imagined he would become, smiling and confident and well past the awkwardness of childhood. She decided she preferred him like this.
Days passed, and the rhythm of Mai's life at the palace matched itself to his. She ate when he ate, slept when he slept, and woke before dawn to watch his sleeping face. Each time she did this, she edged a bit closer, intruding further and further into his room, until she was sitting on the floor beside his bed as his slow breath stirred her hair.
One morning she found his room empty, and waited out of sight behind a screen until he crept back along the corridor, his expression unfathomable in the pale light of sunrise. She followed him the next night as he roamed the streets of the upper ring, and watched as he sat for hours on the steps of a shuttered tea house, his face in his hands.
When he finally rose to his feet, Mai tucked herself more deeply into her shadowed doorway, timing her breaths to match his footsteps. He walked straight toward her, his eyes on the cobblestones as he passed within inches of her hiding place, then stopped a few steps beyond it.
"Coming?" he asked softly. Cursing her own recklessness, Mai hesitated a moment before abandoning all pretense of secrecy and joining him in the street.
They walked together in silence for some time, following the road past sumptuous apartments and luxury storefronts. Mai had never left the palace grounds before, and read the gilded wooden signs with mild interest, wondering how long it would be before wealthy merchants were replaced by Fire Navy officers. A rebellion had caused delays in New Ozai, but the people here were accustomed to having their lives controlled by others. To a shopkeeper, Fire Nation soldiers and Dai Li agents were all cut from the same cloth.
Mai was vaguely aware of moving down to a lower ring of the city, and some time later they reached a large square with a fountain, the light of countless paper lanterns sparkling on the water. Zuko sat on the fountain's edge, his hands folded in his lap, and Mai joined him wordlessly. The marble was cold beneath her, and she wondered what she thought she was doing.
When Zuko spoke, his voice was rough with disuse. "Uncle wanted us to start a new life here," he said. "We were going to run his tea shop together, forget about the avatar...wait for the war to be over..."
"Sounds awful," said Mai.
"Maybe," said Zuko softly. "But we'd been running for so long...peace and quiet were starting to sound pretty good."
"'Peace' and 'quiet' are just polite words for 'dull' and 'pointless,'" said Mai. She fingered a small knife concealed in her sleeve. "That can't have been what you really wanted."
"He told me it was time that I made my own choices," Zuko continued. "And I was tired. I was so incredibly tired of struggling and hunting and honor and..." He breathed deeply, his eyes closed. "I thought that if I could just stop caring about any of it, maybe I could forget. Maybe I could be happy if I stopped wanting things that I was never going to have."
"It doesn't need to be that way anymore, you know," said Mai. "Azula's serious about the Fire Lord forgiving you. You made the right choice, for once."
"Did I?" he asked faintly.
"He was helping the Avatar!" Mai snapped with a rare edge of anger. "He obviously doesn't have any loyalty to you, why should you have any to him?"
"You weren't there," said Zuko. "You didn't see the look on his face when I..." His voice broke. "He must have had a reason..."
"I can't think of a reason good enough for what he did," she said bitterly.
Zuko looked up at her, then, their eyes meeting for the first time. "You've changed," he said simply.
Mai bristled. "What are you talking about?"
"Patriotism doesn't really suit you."
"This doesn't have anything to do with patriotism," said Mai with a dismissive wave of her hand. "You think I'm here because my heart beats with love for the Fire Nation? I came because Azula asked me to and I owe her. I'm mad at your uncle because you trusted him and he turned on you. That's all."
"You know it's not that simple," said Zuko. "Thousands of people are going to die because we decided to help Azula. Doesn't that mean something do you? Don't you care about anything?"
I care about you, you fucking idiot, she thought. Aloud, she said, "Don't let her hear you say things like that."
Zuko's eyes returned to his hands, long fingers twining nervously in his lap. "Mai...how long have you been following me?"
"Long enough to know you're all talk," Mai drawled. "You drop ominous hints of some master plan to take Azula down, but all you've actually done is sulk around the palace feeling sorry for yourself."
Zuko hunched forward, his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair. "I....I've been reading," he said slowly, his voice muffled. "About the avatar. About Roku and Kyoshi and his other past lives, and what the world was like before the war. The books they have here...they're very different than the ones at home."
"Earth Kingdom propaganda," said Mai automatically.
"Maybe," said Zuko. "But...I've been thinking. About the things Uncle said, and what the Avatar and his friends have told me...Mai, I'm really not sure that they're wrong. I think....I think I've made a mistake-"
"You need to stop right now," said Mai severely, on her feet in a moment. Her eyes scanned the empty square, searching darkened windows for any hint of movement. "We can't know who's listening, out in the open like this."
Zuko raised his eyes again, and in them was so much uncertainty and remorse that she relented, her anger softening into fond annoyance. She leaned down until their heads were level, her lips brushing against his ear. "Wait for me in your room tomorrow night," she whispered. Zuko stiffened, his pulse fluttering in the hollow of his neck. He smelled of soap and burnt wool. "Then you can tell me what the hell you've been up to."
She straightened reluctantly and watched as he rubbed his good eye with his palm, ran his fingers back through his hair, exhaled, then pushed himself to his feet. "Thank you," he said abruptly, avoiding her gaze.
Mai blinked in uncharacteristic surprise. "For what?"
"Not telling Azula about any of this."
"How do you know I didn't?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.
He chuckled softly, the barest hint of a smile on his lips. "Because I wouldn't be here if you had."
oOoOo
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
x-posted on avatar_fans and maizuko
also on ff.net, for those who prefer their fic archived