I'm Not Sure?
Okay, I'm 18 years old, male, and I have a boyfriend. We've been going out for three and a half months now (Feb 4th), but I knew I liked him way back in December. And even before then, I had funny feelings about him. The issue is... I always thought of myself as straight. I guess, to be honest, I've never been that sexually... Interested, I guess? I mean, when I see a hot girl, yes, I feel attracted to her. But I've never been as intimate as my friends, and I've never really felt the need to be. For a while I really thought there was something wrong with me. The weird thing is, though, I've liked girls in my life, and I've found myself sexually attracted to them, but not like it seems everyone else should be feeling.
And then I met my boyfriend. We met in a class, and we were from COMPLETELY different social groups. Well, I'm not some sort of clique-y person, but... You know how it goes. You have your normal group of best friends and then a bunch of other friends. But it was as if I suddenly met my other half, the half I was missing. The very first day we met each other, we hung out. And everything just felt so good. We were total, complete opposites in just about everything, but it was refreshing. It was like he was bringing another part of me into my life. He likes a lot of American rap, I like Korean alternative. He likes hockey, I like soccer. He likes to study, I avoid studying as much as possible. He's very tall, I'm very short. He hates spicy things, I love spicy things. The only thing we found in common was writing; we both love to write. I think what really drew us to each other was our writing. Before long, we became almost obsessed with each other. Now that I think about it, it was sort of unhealthy. We would pretty much only talk to each other, we would be with each other every second we could, it was just one of those friendships where we were attached at the hip.
Then things started feeling really weird. I started thinking of him romantically, started seeing him in a different light that made him strangely attractive and endearing. I started really, really liking him. I liked him so much that it drove me crazy, and things started feeling strange between us. Then one night we got in a fight. I'm not really sure why. We were both just frustrated, I guess. But he told me he wanted to go live a couple hours away with his dad. He was really thinking of moving away, so I decided it was just time to tell him. I couldn't take it anymore. It was eating at me so badly. Now that I think back on it, it was a really gutsy move, but I just COULDN'T hold it in any longer. It felt like my conscience was sinking its teeth into my heart and letting me bleed all in my lungs. I couldn't stand it.
I told him I like him. You know, the stereotypical way. Don't want things to be awkward, just want to get it off my chest, blah blah. His response is what surprised me. He said he liked me back. We talked on the phone for like eight hours that night. It was a school night, and it went well until around 4 or 5 in the morning. It was the craziest feeling. And he said he had thought about moving to his dad's because he was just at his wits end. He liked me a lot and was frustrated because he felt he wouldn't ever be able to tell me, and he thought maybe if he left his feelings would go away. But so pretty much we just talked the whole night about random things, about important things, about insecurities and what if's.
But I think we had avoided the biggest question. Were we going to go out? For the next few days things were so awkward, be kind of avoided each other. Then we acted like nothing happened at all. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I kept hinting it, and he kept getting it... But he didn't do anything, and I didn't do anything back. It was really only five days since we confessed that we were hanging out one night, and I just kind of... Got angry and left. Urg, now that I think about it, it was pretty childish, but I think it kinda made him realize that we had to do something about this. He e-mailed me this: "fuck it, just you and me baby boy, everyone else don't matter. Let's just make this work okay. I'm content with just you like i said i dont give a fuck what anyone thinks about me in this world. But you're the best damn person out there, no one compares...trust me, damn i can't even say, you're just so...great. Yeah that's the word, fuck i want you so much so i don't even care i'm saying it how i want; the MAN i like is indescribable."
By this time it was like 1 in the morning, and we decided we just HAD to see each other. He came to my house and we sat outside in the front with each other. He was really shy about everything, and he kind of didn't really know what to say or do. We just sat there for a while, then he took my hand and held it. Finally, what seemed like a lifetime later, he said, "Well, how about it?" And I didn't really know what he was asking me. I mean, I thought of it, but I wasn't positive, so I kind of looked at him with uncertainty. Then he asked a bit more clearly. "Us. Yes or no?" And then I think I smiled like a complete idiot and said yes.
Well, since then we've been through a whole lot. We've actually had around three really, really bad fights, but we're really, really good at talking them out. Things just feel... Natural with him. And we both understand that being mad at each other doesn't mean the end of everything; it means we're just not understanding. We both try to really see the other's point of view.
And right now I'm not doubting my relationship in the slightest, but we've both talked about our sexuality before. He knows he definitely can be very sexually attracted to girls, and he really isn't very attracted to boys. But for some reason, he finds me very attractive. Trust me, I'm usually not the one that initiates any intimacy between us; he's very touchy feely. But we're both just unsure of what we are, or whether we should even question it at all.
And also, our parents don't know anything. We both live with our parents, and we're with each other all the time (we usually sleep at one or the others house as well). But our parents don't really suspect anything. Well, once his mother said we act kind of like a married couple (which made us both freak out a little inside), but she was just joking.
We both think our parents will take it really badly, and we're not sure when the right time to tell is. A lot of my friends know (and thought I was joking in the beginning), but the majority are okay with it. A couple of his friends know, and they were really surprised (we're still not sure what they think of it, but they act normal). So, I guess I'd just like some insight or advice~