Tell me if I'm a horrible person lol :/

[choclatethunder]

Situation: I have a friend who is gay and that's pretty much my homie. I've known him for three years. However around year three...he turned into a TOTAL fairy (ugh this will sound awful lol) and quite honestly...it makes me want to hurl. Obviously his being gay doesn't bother me haha. BUT the magnitude of "gayness" (I DO NOT equivocate effeminate

Comments

[pensivegargoyle]

Well, why does that make you want to hurl? It might not be your idea of attractive but that's a pretty strong statement.

[choclatethunder]

Well its not an issue of whether its attractive to me or not its more of...hmm I suppose I left out a lot of unnecessary details that would help others understand where the disgust comes from...he's not usually like that but he just goes off on these really appalling tangents that are just unnecessary in and of themselves. I realize its a strong statement :/ but it is how I feel.

[juanoclock]

Oh, I don't know. You'll probably soon develop separate interests and see less of each another.

I wouldn't take it out on him, though. We all express ourselves differently, and for all you know, this is who he is. We assume that males are suppose to behave in a certain way and that all else is affectation. We don't bother to wonder, however, if the very notion of masculinity itself is an affectation. In other words, he could be behaving more naturally than you, me, or anyone else. Then again, he may still be in the process of finding himself. Who knows?

But again, if you're not interested in the things that he is, I suppose it may be in your mutual best interest to see less of each other and to find other friends.

[choclatethunder]

"Then again, he may still be in the process of finding himself."

I think that by far would be my best bet...that was a sound statement. I do have reservations of even kind of associating his behavior with a "phase" but perhaps, at least temporally, this is how he chooses to express himself.

And for your last point...Douglas is SO much more than a fairy haha. That's why he's one of my best friends. Its really just this one aspect (and some details I have left out for the sake of brevity). I would rather continue to suck it up and move along and have no resolution to the way I feel about it than loose him...BUT I would like to know if I'm wrong for feeling this way and if so what I can do other than what I have been already to alleviate these feelings.

[artkouros]

Have you tried vomiting on him? That should send the message.

I have to wonder if it's your friend's flamboyance that bothers you or is it some sort of deep self loathing of your gay half (two-thirds, whatever) that makes you ashamed to be associated with this type of person?

Personally, I find fairies to be annoying, in the same way that I find extreme gay politicos annoying. If "I'm gay!" is all a guy has to say for himself, that's sort of pathetic. If a guy is a real and truly interesting person, his flambe is not an issue.

As for your friend, I'd stick with him for a while - this may just be a phase. A lot of new gay boys go through it on their way to figuring out who they are. But, there's no law of friendship that says you can't tell him how annoying he is.

[choclatethunder]

No I haven't tried vomiting on him, though I do make the gesture occasionally haha. All in good fun of course

There is no self loathing. That is a fair speculation though. But I must reiterate that I simply said it basically disgusts me (HE does not, but his ostentatious displays can and usually do) and I never said I was ashamed of him. I love him! And I accept his flambe but its just the way I feel about it on the inside makes me wonder how real of a friend I am :(

[oroszlan]

many points

[choclatethunder]

Good "many points" Thanks :)

[nikolche]

The more I accept myself the more flamboyant I get. For some of us coming out is the first step in long process of healing self-hatred.

It's possible your friend has turned into a fairy because that's what he thinks he's supposed to do. It's possible he's actually trans* and hasn't quite figured it out yet. It's also possible that this is him finally coming to terms with himself.

Now, that doesn't mean you can't point out when he's getting on your nerves. Things like giggling at everything and never being able to have a sensible conversation are annoying no matter who they come from. Just try to make sure that the things you call him on are things that would bother you even if they were coming from a girl. Wearing a glittery pink shirt is a personal choice, telling a friend's grandmother about your latest trick's penis size is plain inappropriate.

[choclatethunder]

You're right and that's quite possible that that is what's going on.

The only thing is there is nothing that I would point out to him...I want him to be comfortable being him even if he decides to shop for guy jeans and a girl's top...w/ev

What bothers me is the way I feel about it (bleh). I accept it and laugh it off mostly but am I less of a friend because I feel that way?

[nikolche]

Eh, I think you're just human. Most people growing up in western/Christian-influenced cultures have sissyphobia trained into them from a young age, it's a hard thing to unlearn. The fact that you recognise that it's more your issue than his is a huge deal, that's not something a lot of people get.

[choclatethunder]

Oh yea the western/christian ideals lol. I've long since purged myself of that mess lol...and that's coming from a southern boy too haha

But I heard ya. I guess seeing as how my biggest example of how love and true "caring for another" works comes from my mom I feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do: through all my bullshit it never seemed to dampen the way she treated me. I know her inside and out and could always tell when her thoughts or feelings were contrary to her actions and never once did I get that when I knew there was something that I'd done or was doing that bothered her. I KNEW she loved me, even came to love/appreciate those things that bothered her about me.

That's pretty much why I feel like a crummy friend lol. I suppose I should just identify why I react in such a way. Maybe I'll have a foundation to work from.

Thanks! :)