Finding 'her' again!
Its interesting when you are sitting at a sidewalk cafe and realize that you have found yourself again.
And I don't mean that in the new-age find yourself kind of way, but in the very real "I know who, what, and where I am!" way when you are not questioning yourself anymore. This is a feeling that doesn't always exist for various reasons, but most often vanishes when one is going through a transition. Now granted neither work, nor life is the least bit easy or as I thought it would be. It is messy and really hard actually. But for the first time in two years I feel sure in myself. I am not questioning my happiness, or lack there of, I just am! (HA!) So with a great cup of Chai and a beautiful autumn day I feel that I finally have a place where I feel comfortable and I am not questioning weather or not I made a mistake by moving here.
Seattle was home after a while, but it was home because I had no choice. School was too important for me to leave so I never even entertained the thought that maybe I could make my home somewhere else. So once that got finished, I had just started discovering the city of Seattle itself and realized I was far from being done with it. Moving from there was like ripping a bandage off a wound that wasn't quite healed. I was just getting the hang of living on my own and having my own separate life from the family when everything turned on its head. Eric, Ana, and many other forces put my life into a tail spin that has just now come to en end (I hope)!
As I left the world of Amgen, Microsoft and Amazon.com I realized that I was continuously looking to recreate that same experience somewhere else, and naturally totally failing at it. No two places are alike, or should be, so why force yourself to have the same life in two different places. And even though my life post graduation isn't that much different than it was in Seattle, the key differences are large enough to have had made me feel like I wasn't in control of it. So I stopped dreaming, stopped planning, and stopped living how I wanted to live. I was once again in survival mode. I could put the blame on many peoples heads, and different situations but the reality is that until I was ready to be in control I wasn't going to get anything done. But today, on this sidewalk I have realized that I am once again in charge, in control, and in balance (again not new agie) with the turbulences that run our everyday existence. So, to step out of the very touchy feely vocab its really simple how i have realized this.
All the songs, the buildings, and the memories they inspire don't haunt me with emotions of the past which were painful. The damage was done, and really there is no going back and asking for vengeance. The peace comes in form of new friends, new places, new fuzzy puppies to play with. It also comes in the form of shopping responsibly and finishing up long project reports. It comes in the knowledge that I have space and distance between myself and the people who were the cause of the pain. But most of all it comes in lack of the heavy feelings that I had carried around for almost two years.
People say fall is the beginning of death and decay of Nature. To me its the stripping of layers that protect our inner core and the test of the strength of this core through the grueling months of the winter. Its a challenge of survival. And the ultimate gratification on the days when the sun comes out and the snow glitters like diamonds. But there is no way of surviving the winter while caring the old luggage that weighs me down around. Letting is go is like shedding my leaves, and exposing the strongest part of myself to new challenges, new people, new relationships.
It doesn't take much for me to be inspired, but one good mountain, a couple of good ppl and my dog is really what was ordered! Oh and of course a cup of fantastic Stumptown coffee.
And I don't mean that in the new-age find yourself kind of way, but in the very real "I know who, what, and where I am!" way when you are not questioning yourself anymore. This is a feeling that doesn't always exist for various reasons, but most often vanishes when one is going through a transition. Now granted neither work, nor life is the least bit easy or as I thought it would be. It is messy and really hard actually. But for the first time in two years I feel sure in myself. I am not questioning my happiness, or lack there of, I just am! (HA!) So with a great cup of Chai and a beautiful autumn day I feel that I finally have a place where I feel comfortable and I am not questioning weather or not I made a mistake by moving here.
Seattle was home after a while, but it was home because I had no choice. School was too important for me to leave so I never even entertained the thought that maybe I could make my home somewhere else. So once that got finished, I had just started discovering the city of Seattle itself and realized I was far from being done with it. Moving from there was like ripping a bandage off a wound that wasn't quite healed. I was just getting the hang of living on my own and having my own separate life from the family when everything turned on its head. Eric, Ana, and many other forces put my life into a tail spin that has just now come to en end (I hope)!
As I left the world of Amgen, Microsoft and Amazon.com I realized that I was continuously looking to recreate that same experience somewhere else, and naturally totally failing at it. No two places are alike, or should be, so why force yourself to have the same life in two different places. And even though my life post graduation isn't that much different than it was in Seattle, the key differences are large enough to have had made me feel like I wasn't in control of it. So I stopped dreaming, stopped planning, and stopped living how I wanted to live. I was once again in survival mode. I could put the blame on many peoples heads, and different situations but the reality is that until I was ready to be in control I wasn't going to get anything done. But today, on this sidewalk I have realized that I am once again in charge, in control, and in balance (again not new agie) with the turbulences that run our everyday existence. So, to step out of the very touchy feely vocab its really simple how i have realized this.
All the songs, the buildings, and the memories they inspire don't haunt me with emotions of the past which were painful. The damage was done, and really there is no going back and asking for vengeance. The peace comes in form of new friends, new places, new fuzzy puppies to play with. It also comes in the form of shopping responsibly and finishing up long project reports. It comes in the knowledge that I have space and distance between myself and the people who were the cause of the pain. But most of all it comes in lack of the heavy feelings that I had carried around for almost two years.
People say fall is the beginning of death and decay of Nature. To me its the stripping of layers that protect our inner core and the test of the strength of this core through the grueling months of the winter. Its a challenge of survival. And the ultimate gratification on the days when the sun comes out and the snow glitters like diamonds. But there is no way of surviving the winter while caring the old luggage that weighs me down around. Letting is go is like shedding my leaves, and exposing the strongest part of myself to new challenges, new people, new relationships.
It doesn't take much for me to be inspired, but one good mountain, a couple of good ppl and my dog is really what was ordered! Oh and of course a cup of fantastic Stumptown coffee.