That one time at zombie camp...
Today, idly enough, I considered dropping out of CFUD completely.
And in doing so, realized that I could do it.
I joined camp in May of 2005, that puts me just shy of my four year mark. That's longer than I stayed in highschool, guys. Do you realize what an odd realization that is? Infact, that's longer than anything I've ever willingly committed to.
And in all that time, leaving camp was never actually an option.
Which, I suppose, sounds kind of sad. But I came to camp at a time in my life when I wasn't really very happy. I had very little social network online that wasn't within an MMO, and had gradually fallen away from pretty much everyone I'd cared about in earlier years. I was also like nineteen and full of teenagerness.
Meanwhile! Camp was... surprisingly easy for me. I flew under the radar for a while, but determined that I wanted to be noticed in this community, to make friends and have fun, so I went out of my way to be present and visible and hoped that people would like what they saw. I made friends quickly, people who I have now known for nearly four years. I met someone that became my roommate! At a time when I surely thought I would not ever know anyone willing to live with me.
And I became... very in love with a lot things, characters especially.
I have often had issues with things that happen at camp. But who doesn't when something is close to them? And I realize how overdramatic it sounds to be so attached to a role play online, but it's been an important place to me. I have loved that place, and I know that even decades from now I will look back on camp fondly, the way people who did better with rl peers than I look fondly on highschool. Camp has been my beautiful youth, full of friends and acquaintances and annoyances and experiences and insight. And realizing that, in a way, makes me feel complete and okay with a lot of the things I missed that other people had; never going to prom, not finishing or even remembering much of highschool, generally being a failure in most of the ways, good, red blood americans would deem one a failure.
So I couldn't leave! I didn't want to, the very thought hurt my heart to breaking. The relationships I've watched build over the years, the thought and time I'd put into my characters, the under-reality of the fact that, yes okay, in a way these are real people to me and in some cases I don't want to let them return to their 'real' lives. Or in others just the fact that I'd grown so attached I could not. I understand we're breeching into the territory of 'Aviy is kind of crazy' here, but fiction has a life and importance to me. Not... an obsession or a delusion. Just... importance. And this is an importance I've put years into.
Not to mention all the potential for more.
There is also the separation from the people, but that is less of an issue, because I can still be reached. I'm not really going anywhere. I take from this a network of relationships unlike any I've ever had. I'm quite sure many of the people I met first from camp are people I will still be talking to and meeting up with five or ten years from now. And that is amazing.
I'm dropping because I can. Because today I thought of it and realized that I would not cry, it would not break my heart. I can leave. I'm done here.
I'm not upset. I'm fantastic. Guys! I'm an adult! My life is not perfect but it's pretty great. I have come to love my job, which forcibly sets aside thirty hours a week where I can not be at the computer. Today I finished a new (not having read before) sci-fi/fantasy novel for the first time in uhhhh I don't remember how long. And I liked it! And it's an epic series with five more HUGE BOOKS. I haven't read something like this since I was seventeen. I also started drawing again, just sketching images from comics (another thing I read during work), but I'm going to keep at it, and years from now I will not suck and I can draw my own manga. Speaking of original manga, I work on things, various projects but one in particular. I also teach myself Japanese.
When I'm not at work I play video games, watch television shows, cook, clean, shop, hang out with friends and sleep. Perhaps I will do more of the things I do at work at home, and gradually be more and more of a productive person. That's an exciting thought. But the key here is that... I'm functioning! I feel independent and capable. My life is full of different things which I enjoy, and there is the promise of everything I am capable of.
Indeed, I should have reached this place earlier. But I did not. However, I am here now, and I love it, and I will try to be further and further along and one day achieve success in something that is meaningful to me.
So... I don't RP much anymore. I am still present at several RPs that are not camp, but one of those is ending completely in six months, and the other two are very slow paced. None of them have even remotely the meaning to me that camp does. Those RPs are a hobby and periodic distraction. Camp is... a place. A passage? A crutch. An experience. I have loved it and will always love it but it must end eventually. And for the past four years eventually has been 'sometime later' and today it is today.
I think... that is the best I can explain it. It was long and probably confusing, but ha ha! It's my journal I can do it if I want.
I would like to thank everyone I've played with, and apologize to those whose characters will be hurt by this. But strife is the center of all story, so I hope you enjoy playing out their disappointment at least.
Lastly, I value all of the players, even those I rarely or never interacted with, and am eternally grateful. The experience of camp would never have existed if not for the people that fill it up.
And in doing so, realized that I could do it.
I joined camp in May of 2005, that puts me just shy of my four year mark. That's longer than I stayed in highschool, guys. Do you realize what an odd realization that is? Infact, that's longer than anything I've ever willingly committed to.
And in all that time, leaving camp was never actually an option.
Which, I suppose, sounds kind of sad. But I came to camp at a time in my life when I wasn't really very happy. I had very little social network online that wasn't within an MMO, and had gradually fallen away from pretty much everyone I'd cared about in earlier years. I was also like nineteen and full of teenagerness.
Meanwhile! Camp was... surprisingly easy for me. I flew under the radar for a while, but determined that I wanted to be noticed in this community, to make friends and have fun, so I went out of my way to be present and visible and hoped that people would like what they saw. I made friends quickly, people who I have now known for nearly four years. I met someone that became my roommate! At a time when I surely thought I would not ever know anyone willing to live with me.
And I became... very in love with a lot things, characters especially.
I have often had issues with things that happen at camp. But who doesn't when something is close to them? And I realize how overdramatic it sounds to be so attached to a role play online, but it's been an important place to me. I have loved that place, and I know that even decades from now I will look back on camp fondly, the way people who did better with rl peers than I look fondly on highschool. Camp has been my beautiful youth, full of friends and acquaintances and annoyances and experiences and insight. And realizing that, in a way, makes me feel complete and okay with a lot of the things I missed that other people had; never going to prom, not finishing or even remembering much of highschool, generally being a failure in most of the ways, good, red blood americans would deem one a failure.
So I couldn't leave! I didn't want to, the very thought hurt my heart to breaking. The relationships I've watched build over the years, the thought and time I'd put into my characters, the under-reality of the fact that, yes okay, in a way these are real people to me and in some cases I don't want to let them return to their 'real' lives. Or in others just the fact that I'd grown so attached I could not. I understand we're breeching into the territory of 'Aviy is kind of crazy' here, but fiction has a life and importance to me. Not... an obsession or a delusion. Just... importance. And this is an importance I've put years into.
Not to mention all the potential for more.
There is also the separation from the people, but that is less of an issue, because I can still be reached. I'm not really going anywhere. I take from this a network of relationships unlike any I've ever had. I'm quite sure many of the people I met first from camp are people I will still be talking to and meeting up with five or ten years from now. And that is amazing.
I'm dropping because I can. Because today I thought of it and realized that I would not cry, it would not break my heart. I can leave. I'm done here.
I'm not upset. I'm fantastic. Guys! I'm an adult! My life is not perfect but it's pretty great. I have come to love my job, which forcibly sets aside thirty hours a week where I can not be at the computer. Today I finished a new (not having read before) sci-fi/fantasy novel for the first time in uhhhh I don't remember how long. And I liked it! And it's an epic series with five more HUGE BOOKS. I haven't read something like this since I was seventeen. I also started drawing again, just sketching images from comics (another thing I read during work), but I'm going to keep at it, and years from now I will not suck and I can draw my own manga. Speaking of original manga, I work on things, various projects but one in particular. I also teach myself Japanese.
When I'm not at work I play video games, watch television shows, cook, clean, shop, hang out with friends and sleep. Perhaps I will do more of the things I do at work at home, and gradually be more and more of a productive person. That's an exciting thought. But the key here is that... I'm functioning! I feel independent and capable. My life is full of different things which I enjoy, and there is the promise of everything I am capable of.
Indeed, I should have reached this place earlier. But I did not. However, I am here now, and I love it, and I will try to be further and further along and one day achieve success in something that is meaningful to me.
So... I don't RP much anymore. I am still present at several RPs that are not camp, but one of those is ending completely in six months, and the other two are very slow paced. None of them have even remotely the meaning to me that camp does. Those RPs are a hobby and periodic distraction. Camp is... a place. A passage? A crutch. An experience. I have loved it and will always love it but it must end eventually. And for the past four years eventually has been 'sometime later' and today it is today.
I think... that is the best I can explain it. It was long and probably confusing, but ha ha! It's my journal I can do it if I want.
I would like to thank everyone I've played with, and apologize to those whose characters will be hurt by this. But strife is the center of all story, so I hope you enjoy playing out their disappointment at least.
Lastly, I value all of the players, even those I rarely or never interacted with, and am eternally grateful. The experience of camp would never have existed if not for the people that fill it up.